I’m leaving tomorrow and I am too terrified to come up with an entertaining title

in bizarre, functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap

So I had to get new business cards for my trip to the aircraft carrier and I decided to design my own but then Victor saw them and made me change them because apparently the military has some rule against hand jobs and he started shouting about “moral turpitude” and I’m all “I’M TRYING TO EXPRESS MYSELF” and he’s all “And I’m trying to help you not end up in a lifeboat behind the ship!” and I’m like “FINE” so I erased what I’d written on the bottom of the back of the card, which was:

“This coupon entitles you to one free hand job. Not from me though. Try it on someone at the bar. Eventually someone will be all “Oh. Well they did have a coupon”. You’re welcome.”

And Victor’s all “Why would you even write something like that?” and I’m like “Because no one is going to throw away a coupon for a free hand job.  It’s called ‘marketing‘, asshole“.   And then he’s all “Why did you buy all these little disposable toothbrushes?” and I’m like “Because those toothbrushes work without water and  I don’t know how the bathrooms work on the ship and I want to be able to brush my teeth even if I don’t have a sink” and he’s all “You don’t know how bathrooms work?” and I’m like “Well, in my head it’s like BattleStar Galactica with the co-ed bathrooms and I’m not going to brush my teeth in front of a bunch of naked man-junk” and then Victor gave me this look of disgust which was weird because I thought he’d be proud that I don’t want to shower with a bunch of dudes and take it as a sign of awesome loyalty but he didn’t because he’s an asshole.  So then I lay down for a second but I must have fell asleep because when I woke up it was 5 hours later and Victor had gone to pick up Hailey from daycare even though he has a terrible man cold and it’s technically my job to pick up Hailey and then I felt kind of even more pissed because that was so sweet and he probably did it on purpose so that I’d realize he’s a better person than I am and then I thought “Wow.  I am really kind of irrational.  It must suck to live with me” and Victor shrugs and is all “Meh.  Just sometimes” because apparently I said it out loud.  And he’s an asshole.

PS.  He’s not really an asshole.

PPS.  Sometimes he’s an asshole.

PPPS.  The people from my satirical sex column sent me a box of stuff to give out to the people in the navy including a bunch of these guys and Victor’s all “That is COMPLETELY inappropriate” and I’m all “I know, right?”  Because clearly that guy is in the army.  Also they sent me an inflatable sheep and leather hood and other things that will be very hard to explain to the people at airport security but if they give me a hassle I’ll be all “But it’s for our troops” and then I bet it’ll be fine because if the Navy doesn’t get this stuff it’s like the terrorists win.

PPPPS.  Victor thinks I need to clarify that I totally agree that I should not bring most of this stuff because the military is serious and awesome so I’ll probably just bring the edible tattoos for the navy and also the inflatable sheep for myself just in case we have some sort of water landing and I need a floatie.

PPPPPS.  I leave tomorrow on this trip and I just wanted to say that I adore my husband and daughter and my family and if I die on this trip I want all my stuff to go to them.  Except for the sex stuff.  Someone needs to burn that before my mom comes over.  I’m pretty sure this counts as a will.  

PPPPPPS.  Did I mention that the head guy of this aircraft carrier is named “Charlie Brown”?  I couldn’t even make this shit up.

Comment of the day: so my friend’s mom – her name is ruth, just, you know, to flesh this story out a little – was, at one time, a twice-divorced single mother-of-three who was so broken up about Life Experiences that she drove cross-country, away from the latest heartbreak, weeping and scream-singing to that song that goes, “once upon a time i was falling in love / now i’m only falling apart / there’s nothing i can do / a total eclipse of the HEAAAART.” i love that image and i hold it close to me when i am sad. and so anyway. then she had this gyneCOLOGIST, i am serious, named, i am serious, Charlie Brown. i think he maybe tried to go by charles. which was surely a losing battle. and so he had been her gynecologist for a WHILE. he had delivered at least the last kid. and his name was CHARLIE BROWN. CHARLIE BROWN WAS LOOKING UP HER TWAT ON A REGULAR BASIS. ok. so then. i am still serious. they started dating. and then they fell in love. and then they got married. I AM SERIOUS. and you know, he was pretty rich, because you know, doctors make a lot of money. and now they send us christmas cards every year with family pictures of all of them and the dog. and ruth collects christmas memorabilia. and the oldest kid is my best friend in the world and is getting his phd at princeton. they are lovely people and i adore them. ruth, and her three kiddos, and charlie brown the gynecologist, and the dog, and all the porcelain santa figurines. ~ Lacey

131 thoughts on “I’m leaving tomorrow and I am too terrified to come up with an entertaining title”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. I used to work in a museum, and was writing back and forth about an exhibition with a fabulous curator at the Rijksmuseum named…Taco Dibbits.

    I never got past it. I giggled on each and every email. And then when you google the origin of this name, which is used in Amsterdam, it can mean “heart” or “NIPPLE.” And I probably pissed myself that day.

    He’s a very nice man.

    Sugared Harpy’s last blog post..Homeschooling: Hey. It’s kind of working.

  8. You missed the part where you need to tell Victor the coupon is a blow against the Patriarchy because women can GET hand jobs also. And enjoy them. So HE is sexist and you are the awesome feminist sticking it to the MAN….And junk.
    He needs to Alan Alda up and support our female troops…hard core.

    Sisterhood is powerful…all inunendos completely intentional.

  9. If any of my staff ask me why I’m laughing so hard I’m crying I probably shouldn’t explain that it’s because of hand jobs and inflatable sheep…

  12. It’s not that the military has a rule against hand jobs — they’re actually quite patriotic. They only object to them when someone besides your spouse is giving them (adultery is a no-no). Or when the one giving them is gay as all get out.

    Spamboy’s last blog post..The Stars at Night! Are Big and Bright!

  13. Yea, I would take them anyway. The regular military people aren’t that serious. The BEST stuff I got sent to me in Iraq was “mouthwash” (really JD.) and the BEST stuff I sent to Iraq was that blow up sheep, and a big ol’ jar of maraschino cherries, with the juice poured out and exchanged for vodka, lots and lots of vodka. They loved it.
    Also, on AFN they keep showing this “ad” with CSM Gary Coleman. I shit you not. The dude’s name is Gary Coleman. We always joke that if we worked for him we would not be able to resist saying, “What’s Up, Sergeant Major?” (of course he is probably sick and tired of that joke, but it makes me laugh.)
    http://news.webshots.com/photo/1156577992056120881VMSjvQ

  16. I could use a # of those business cards at my next library conference and I can already think of a chief librarian who would kill for the sheep.

    Mad’s last blog post..A Poetic Lament

  17. Wow. I’m going to try that on my business cards, because there’s no way navy guys care about my jewelry anyway. And Etsy doesn’t have restrictions on hand jobs. Cool!!

    (p.s. My husband got a hand job while he was in the navy. Should they do a retroactive court-martial, I wonder?)

  19. I totally do nice things all the time to make my girlfriend look irrational. And also so that I have a bargaining chip when I want to do something kinky in bed.

    But I’m not married, so maybe it doesn’t count?

  20. You had me at inflatable sheep.

    Although I have to contemplate the usefulness of an inflatable sheep. Is it the naughty kind because I kind of get that. If it isn’t, I really don’t get it because what use is a sheep that you can’t make sweaters from. Its not like inflatable things are particularly cuddly…again, unless they are the naughty kind. So then I have to wonder how I would feel about receiving an inflatable sheep. It isn’t like I have the equipment to make use of the naughty one (not that I would do sheep because I TOTALLY WOULDN’T) and the other one won’t make me yarn or comfort me at night. So then I would wonder who the hell gives someone a useless inflatable sheep? What is the world coming to?

    Sorry. Verbal diahreah isn’t becoming, is it?

    melistress’s last blog post..I Haven’t Forgotten About You

  21. Wait! I meant “What chu talkin’ bout Sergeant Major.” (got my shows mixed up…too much mouth wash…)

  23. Now I know what my business cards are gonna say when I start looking for a new job. And every time I hand them out during interviews, I’m just gonna wink. And then if I get the job I can say it was all thanks to a great handjob, and everyone will think I’m into prostituting myself but i wouldn’t have. I’d have just prostituted someone else.

    Bridget’s last blog post..Drunk History: George Hamilton is an actor who was in Zorro the Gay Blade

  24. Also, I think that people in the Miltary like hand jobs. They just put flags over their hands and privates. They do it for the Glory.

    I would know. I was once in the Army. But I didn’t do it for the Glory. I did it because I missed home and I just wanted friends.

    Georgette’s last blog post..…

  25. Plus? If you fall off the ship? And you’re floating, floating, floating in the ocean. And then you finally wash up on a deserted island? I’m pretty sure you can trade the disposable toothbrushes for fire, or fresh water, or something.

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Fourteen Years Ago Today

  26. I want waterless toothbrushes! I don’t think they sell those in Mexico yet… The coupon is just great marketing, you should have your own agency. The advertising world needs people like you, maybe.
    Have fun on your trip.

    Walther’s last blog post..Chocolate Abuelita to go

  27. “I felt kind of even more pissed because that was so sweet and he probably did it on purpose so that I’d realize he’s a better person than I am and then I thought “Wow. I am really kind of irrational.”

    That is the most realistic and honest thing ever. And hilarious.

    Erin’s last blog post..Haiku Tuesday – Shopping edition

  28. You should totally be the new face for “The Wisp” disposable toothbrush! The site needs a new person and it says “You could be the new face for The Wisp”, and I think they said that just for you. How awesome would that be!? Then you can show Victor and be all like, “Well I’m the new face of Wisp. What have you done lately?!”

    I’d DEFINETLY vote for you!!

    LB’s last blog post..It’s only impressive in my mind; to my husband it’s shockingly pathetic.

  29. My kids’ dentist’s name is Charlie Brown. I an totally not making that up. I laughed when the pediatrician referred us to him and the ped. was all “No seriously, that’s his name”. Weird.

  30. Maybe Victor would appreciate you leaving the inflatable sheep behind while your gone? You should ask.

    David’s last blog post..When?

  32. So, I went to click on the things your satirical-sex-column people gave you to hand out. And when I unmuted my computer to watch the video, all that was coming out of your mouth was an Enya song. And I was really confused until I remembered that I had been listening to Eminem a while ago. And had simply muted iTunes when a friend called.

    Confusion averted.

    jb’s last blog post..Losing a Whole Year, Gaining Something Else

  33. Can you a card and maybe just write the coupon stuff on the back…LMAO… I will totally give it to my husband who will probably use it when I’m so mad at him that I’d rather spit in his eye..but then it will probably be the worst hand job ever, so maybe it should also say “for use on road trips only”

    Lynette’s last blog post..Surprise!

  34. I suggest that you do bring all of that crap, if you get stranded at sea you will need it for entertainment and it could also come in handy if you need to scare and/or barter with the pirates. Good luck out there, sailor!

    Jacquie’s last blog post..dysplaced

  36. If I start a sex column will people send me fun and weird stuff for free ?

    What if I just start it in my head?

    Or if I write it on the backs of napkins and shit.

    I guess I could write it and publish it as a blog…that nobody reads, but still.

    I want people to send me weird stuff in the mail. I do. It ain’t pretty, but it’s the truth.

    Well Read Hostess’s last blog post..Have Some Cake with Your Post-Apocalyptic Nightmare

  38. I totally agree with you on the business cards! No one would ever throw that away. It might get a little something on it though.
    Here’s hoping you don’t get stopped by airport security, homeland security, or social security.

    Bon Voyage!!

    Soxy Deb’s last blog post..Wordy Wednesday

  39. You have found the only acceptable use for those goddamn toothbrushes. I wrote about them once, and it’s still the top referrer to my blog

  43. Like librarian blogger… It will so be blackmail on me later in my career when I get rich and famous, that I am subscribed to this feed and laughing my head off at this post.

  44. Yeah…edible tattoos is JUST right for the Navy. Heck, the reason they get tattoos on their back is to give the Marines comics to read while they’re mounting up. Hehehe…no, but seriously. I can’t believe you’re actually going to get ON a ship. You must feel suicidal…

    Victor totally should have let you keep the hand job offer on the cards…I’m ex-Army and we TOTALLY would have tried to use that in the bar. Seriously.

    Byron’s last blog post..Driving

  45. THAT is an ingenious marketing slogan for your cards.. only you are going onto a ship of mostly men? and there’s that whole dont ask dont tell thing… so I dont know how many of those cards would end up getting honored. maybe it’s for the best that you erased them, I mean it might have caused the collapse of the entire US military. Can you imagine if like 2/3 of the ship was dismissed due to honoring hand job coupons?

    fidget’s last blog post..That boy can sleep anywhere

  51. Well, my name is Amber Brown. My dad’s name is Golden Brown and so is his dad’s. I have an Uncle Charlie Brown. And my Grandma is Pink Brown. The other set of Grandparents are Green. Not even lying a little bit.

  54. No, see, the inflatable sheep are TOTALLY appropriate because you will be on a ship which might sink. And everyone knows that they don’t have “guest life jackets” on a Navy ship, just ones for the people they spent thousands of dollars on training. You can drown; they don’t care. Then you’ll NEED the inflatable sheep because it is floatie. Unless you give Charlie Brown a handjob coupon before the ship goes down, and then he might be, like, “Awwww, man, there goes my chance to collect” if he didn’t read the fine print, and pull you up over the side of the lifeboat. In that case you can give him an inflatable sheep and it might console him after you get to land and can safely point out the “not from me” part of the offer.

    ajnabi1977’s last blog post..Dostana, or, Eff-ed Up Friendship

  55. If you ever bring me coupons for handjobs and inflatable sheep as a “thank the hostess” gift, I would totally accept them and place them in front of any crappy bottle of wine the other guests brought. This way, the terrorists don’t win but WE all do.

    FRECKLES CHICK’s last blog post..Nailed it

  56. If you ever bring me coupons for handjobs and inflatable sheep as a “thank the hostess” gift, I would totally accept them and place them in front of any crappy bottle of wine the other guests brought. This way, the terrorists don’t win but WE all do.

  57. sometimes there are just no comments worthy of your posts. I think I just peed my pants a little.
    P. S. I often wonder what Victor really thinks of your blog.
    P. P. S Can Victor possibly call my husband?
    P. P. P. S I didn’t really pee myself. Well, maybe a little.

  60. Yeah, I’m totally stealing that idea for my own business cards. Now I just need a business to go with my business cards, but I’m thinking if I put that on the back of them the only logical business choice is “Madame of a Brothel” which would be fine except I remember Heidi Fleiss’s journey and that didn’t seem like fun because people were all judge-y about her drinking Evian from a bottle and I like Fiji water in a bottle and I would probably get crucified on the stand, at which point I can totally promote your blog and be all, “Uh, but I got the idea from The Bloggess. Go read her blog.” and everyone will and I think this story has a happy ending. Which is wholly appropriate considering where we started, as long as I’m still not responsible for giving said happy ending.

    shine’s last blog post..Your Team – Red Mesh Top at Starbucks

  63. You must take all of the gifts. Don’t let the terrorists win!

    Also, if the plane goes down in the sea (goes down, heh.) you can put the hood over any giant squid so that it can’t see you making your getaway. Always thinking.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..In The Country

  68. Awww, Jenny you are gonna be fine!! It’ll be fun and awkward at the same time. How awesome is that?

  69. Can I have the sex stuff please? I coujld make use of any of those coupons you might have spare as well..
    Anyway you’ve got to come back, who else is gonna make me laugh? 😀

    Drolgerg’s last blog post..The Twitter Drinking Song

  70. I, for one, think Victor is jealous of your awesome brain because who doesn’t see the marketing genius in a coupon business card. That’s called viral marketing. Not viral like herpes, although, come to think of it, why not? Herpes business cards. That’s genius.

  72. so…I’m just curious Bloggess readers…how MANY of you are librarians?

  75. So, I guess you like the stuff I picked out? I knew the sheep was a good idea! Now, we need a video of you chasing Victor around with the leather bondage mask on. I sure hope you get up to some mischief. Have a fun trip!

  76. I now have you as an RSS feed on my facebook page and I will probably offend a lot of people because I’m a priest and some people in the church don’t have a very good sense of humor.

  77. Best. Marketing. Idea. Ever.

    I am going to steal it and when people say I stole it from you I’ll be all like “Bloggess? who’s that?”

    Then they’ll come here, see this comment, and know I am a bit fat liar. Okay, a big skinny liar.

    What was I saying?

    Jelly’s last blog post..I just found the light at the end of the tunnel!

  79. At the end of the little soldier video you keep saying, “Stop. Stop. Stop.” I’m pretty sure that’s wrong. i think you’re supposed to say, “At ease.”

    I would have never burned my draft card if I’d known you were going to land on my ship.

  80. They make inflatable sheep?! What about inflatable midgets?

    Set a course for adventure…this is for you. Though not totally appropriate because it’s not really a cruise that you’ll be on. But, what the fuck…

    carpeviam’s last blog post..Bolder Boulder 10k Race Report

  82. I get paid for each article I write for their magazine. I don’t get paid for mentioning their inflatable sheep though if that’s what you’re asking. Which is good, because I pretty much blamed it for my impending death on twitter.

  86. While electronic inflatable sheep are definitely fucked up…trying hanging with a real live rutting Billy Goat sometime. It’s like the movie Showgirls. Only worse. I have seen more goat penis then I care to. And it’s nasty when your goat pees into his own mouth and THEN tries to pee on you like he’s trying to mate or some crazy shit like that. And to really confuse and confound things? The “lay-rabbi” (‘cuz we don’t have enough Jews to afford a real rabbi) at my synagogue? His name is Charlie Brown. For serious. Fucked up. Right?

    rougeneck’s last blog post..The Wrong Shade of Green

  87. Wow! I just stumbled across your site while I was ignoring and economics lecture. Thank you for the awesome laugh and the subsequent stink eye from the professor. I will be checking back on a regular basis now!

    Smarty Pants’s last blog post..Religion

  89. hi…i’m giving notice tomorrow (2 and a half weeks) any advice? it’s my first job out of college, and i’m quitting because i hate NYC, not the job. oh god i’m in minus letter and WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. anyway, seriously, if you can still read this, I’m scared and nervous and could use some of your sage advice. also, i’ve also wanted to use the word sage in a sentence. and goodluck on your trip!!! xoxo, Rachel

    PS-I tried to DM this on you on twitter but it freaked me the fuck out because there were more than whatever amount it allows me so it yelled at me and I couldn’t remember your email address so this is what you get. I hope you’re happy. Oh and I’m drunk a bit so if any of this makes no sense that’s why. thanks.

  91. it seems to me that you say “i couldn’t even make this shit up” quite a bit. sometimes that makes me think that you are. so maybe next time you say that you found out you can fit an elephant up someone’s ass, i’ll expect to find peanuts shooting out of there. also, i’d catch that guy and take him to a baseball game, because as you know baseball and shooting peanuts make for great fun, and the fact of it coming out of someone’s ass is just icing on the cake.

    nuts up the ass? THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

    wow, reading over that comment makes me realize that there’s quite the disconnect in my logic. that’s what medical school does to you. i lost all the wit that came from my undergrad as a journalism major much like a circumsised baby loses its…well, you know.

  92. Okay, so I have a question for your Q&A blog: I’m pretty sure they pull men aside in school just to teach them how to be assholes. My friend Jenn disagrees and says they are born that way and come by it naturally. I need answers! How do men know this secret? They are SO good at “assholishness” and make their ridicuoulsly WRONG arguments sound logical and right, and then I just come across as a crazy bitch who doesn’t know what she’s talking about. But most of the time I’m right, even if I can’t prove it and no one will believe me and even the dog looks at me with disgust, but I don’t care, I’m proving a point. So why do men have to be assholes about this? Why can’t they just sit down and shut up and listen quietly while we rant and rave? Why do I sound crazy when I know it all sounds logical in my head? What is the point of even communicating with someone of the opposite sex? And, oh, what was my question again?

    Tiffany’s last blog post..House Update, er, Up-don’t

  93. so my friend’s mom – her name is ruth, just, you know, to flesh this story out a little – was, at one time, a twice-divorced single mother-of-three who was so broken up about Life Experiences that she drove cross-country, away from the latest heartbreak, weeping and scream-singing to that song that goes, “once upon a time i was falling in love / now i’m only falling apart / there’s nothing i can do / a total eclipse of the HEAAAART.” i love that image and i hold it close to me when i am sad. and so anyway. then she had this gyneCOLOGIST, i am serious, named, i am serious, Charlie Brown. i think he maybe tried to go by charles. which was surely a losing battle. and so he had been her gynecologist for a WHILE. he had delivered at least the last kid. and his name was CHARLIE BROWN. CHARLIE BROWN WAS LOOKING UP HER TWAT ON A REGULAR BASIS. ok. so then. i am still serious. they started dating. and then they fell in love. and then they got married. I AM SERIOUS. and you know, he was pretty rich, because you know, doctors make a lot of money. and now they send us christmas cards every year with family pictures of all of them and the dog. and ruth collects christmas memorabilia. and the oldest kid is my best friend in the world and is getting his phd at princeton. they are lovely people and i adore them. ruth, and her three kiddos, and charlie brown the gynecologist, and the dog, and all the porcelain santa figurines.

  95. You got Apturized with your crazy cool YouTube additions WITHIN the text.

    You say you’re not very technical, but girl you’re getting savvier by the day.

    And, please, next time, no censor bar. I was weirdly disappointed that I couldn’t see beyond the censor. And a little bit perverted. Ha, well.

    Jamie’s last blog post..We Could All Use a Little Chuckle At My Expense

  98. I was already awake and watching your video this morning when my husband woke up. I told him that you were going on an aircraft carrier with Guy K. (can’t spell it) and Steve Was (can’t spell this either) and were taking masterbating soldiers. He was like “what is that?” Uh, toy soldiers that beat off when you wind them up, just like real soldiers, duh.
    Take the business cards / coupons, soldiers and tattoos. Although I have to tell you, these men are in the navy and not the army and that . . . you need to remember. These are sailors not soldiers. So maybe the toys will be even funnier to them.

  100. I think a blow up sheep in like the universal symbol for equality and righteousness and anyone who disagrees is probably a racist.

  101. Jen,
    Somehow the thought of you being on an aircraft carrier with 5000 navy men is truly refreshingly disarming.

    It’s all about arms control.
    Even hand jobs—-while that’s going on probably nobody is getting killed, right?

    I see you as a peace activist. Like Mother Teresa only better. Because she’s dead.
    And you’re going to be live on an aircraft carrier with 5000 seaman. This is precious stuff—–like Elvis meeting Nixon. I hope it is all documented and preserved and doesn’t screw up your future nomination to the Supreme Court.
    Make sure we see ALL the videos- – – –except especially the incriminating ones.
    I

  102. So, a coupon for a free hand job is great and all, but what about if you give cards to any ladies? Because a hand job, anyone can do. It takes a special kind of something for a guy to be good at the opposite. Maybe the ladies’ cards could have a picture of a wiener on the back. Or a coupon to get out of nooky one night, no questions asked.

  104. All I ask is while you are on the ship….DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING. Don’t ask “What is this button for?” and just push it. Don’t pull any levers JUST DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING…really is that a lot to ask? It’s not that I am worried that you may push a button you shouldn’t and blow something up…like…well us….or anything…hmmm no yes that is what I am totally afraid of. I would feel a lot better if you just wore HUGE fuck off oven mittens the whole time you were on the ship. Do it for your child and Victor…do it for AMERICA and the troops.

  105. PS: No really don’t touch anything.

    PSS: Stay away from anything that looks like a button.

    PSSS: Ask someone else to flush the head for you, just in case you pissed in the wrong place.

  106. I will donate a hundred bucks to the charity of your choice if you get drunk, put on a Black wig and do an re-enactment of Cher when she sang on that Naval ship. That would mean one of those edible tattoos on your ass, black fish net stockings and black leather…a Youtube video as proof…I would go two hundred if you could get Guy Kawasaki and two other famous people we don’t know to dress up with you as the Village people and sing IN THE NAVY on deck…there be more obvious possibilities I am missing.

  107. If you do fall off the boat, could you float to my house so I don’t have to drive down to San Diego to pick you up? Oh, and I will totally fly right to your house to clean out all the sex toys, but I have a strange feeling that Mom would show up right after I get it all out and be all “Oh, that’s amazing, take that one home with you! Marc will really enjoy it. Dibs on the pink one!” and then I’d have to go to therapy.

  108. I used one of those disposable toothbrushes the other night ’cause I knew the hubby was gonna try to get some lovin’ and I was too lazy to brush my teeth proper.

  110. My husband was in the Army and I want one of those wind-up dolls. Too funny. But, again, if I die and they are found by my mother (or kids—ack!), I won’t be able to explain why it was in my stuff. Or his stuff.

    Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..A Potty Party

  111. I think that wind up toy must have found one of your cards. And I’ll bet he used it at the bar. But got shut down so then he had to take matters in to his own hands.

    WM’s last blog post..Guess

  113. The hand job idea is genius. Ask Victor if he wouldn’t think of trying it.

    Mad? *I* would kill for the sheep, and I’m not a chief librarian, only a regular one.

    And for god’s sake, please try to refrain this ONE TIME from talking about your bagina while you’re there. Some of those men have been at sea without female company for a long time… But you may freel free to make frequent rferences to them as “seamen” and giggle. How could you not?

    kittenpie’s last blog post..No Less

  115. I think a guy named Charlie Brown would faint if someone handed him a coupon for a free hand job. Then he’d give it to Lucy and right before he was done, she pull her hand away and stop. When will that poor bastard learn???

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Developments at our house, Vol. 15

  117. Ooh, I do that same shit too, like when I leave for a trip without my family, I plan stuff so that if I die, everything will be taken care of, and then I tell everyone, “If I die …” It’s like trying to rejinx yourself or outsmart the gods so that even though you think you might die, you really won’t because you’ve already said it outloud like on the blog or to people you know, so if you say it, then it won’t happen. Right? Is this how your mind works too, or am I just on crack?

    Manic Mommy’s last blog post..No BReaST CaNCeR

  119. Oh god! “…it’s like the terrorists win” line just about gave me a noser in Sbux. It was close!

  120. You could wear the leather hood, while carrying the inflatable sheep, through airport security and when they put you through the full body cavity search, you could whip out that hand job coupon and offer several to security- the coupon, not the handjob-and maybe they wouldn’t even notice the rest of the sexual oddities on your person. Like that butt plug.

  124. I commend you for using “lay” in a sentence. I can never figure out if it should be lay, lie, lied, laid, or whatever – which could very well explain why I was a virgin until I was 19. Apparently telling a girl that you’d like to lie her isn’t very effective.

    Jeff’s last blog post..More ways you can help

  128. Pingback: Chapomatic » So All The Fancy Blogger Types Went On The Bird Farm
  129. Pingback: Sue me. I’m awesome. — TheBloggess.com

  131. You, my dear, are the marketing Guru.
    I feel inspired to make up business cards and hand them out to random strangers.
    If it ends in tears I’ll blame you.

    P.S.
    My friend was given an inflatable sheep for his birthday one year.
    He was a farm boy from the country so was subjected to many a bestiality joke (as you do). The sheep squeaked when pushed and even had a hole for it’s ‘sheep bits’. We all laughed until we heard it squeak in the night.
    Joke was on us …

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It's like I'm stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

MY INSTAGRAM

Happy 50th birthday to this absolute legend. I love you, mister.
Swipe to enhance.
Personalizing stacks of books today and having lots of feelings. So many people send my books to others who are struggling. They ask me to write specific notes to their loved ones and the requests are so beautiful that I want to share them but I won’t bc it seems too personal. But just between you and me, if you’ve written something lovely to someone you love and I get to transcribe it for you I feel very lucky bc your words touch me as well. I am warmed by your fire.
Apparently two of my books were used without permission to train generative-AI systems. So, that sucks.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

Sarah Linn on Medium: Humorist or unstable person with an internet connection? You decide.

Uncommon Creatures Digital Portraits: Animal art inspired by Earth’s most magical creatures. Got your own beloved pet you’d like to memorialize? Have no fear… let me turn your fur-baby into a work of art.

Dark Matter Zine talks to authors, actors and artists in a free podcast available on all good podcasting platforms. Plus book reviews, book launches and more.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

%d bloggers like this: