So I had to get new business cards for my trip to the aircraft carrier and I decided to design my own but then Victor saw them and made me change them because apparently the military has some rule against hand jobs and he started shouting about “moral turpitude” and I’m all “I’M TRYING TO EXPRESS MYSELF” and he’s all “And I’m trying to help you not end up in a lifeboat behind the ship!” and I’m like “FINE” so I erased what I’d written on the bottom of the back of the card, which was:
“This coupon entitles you to one free hand job. Not from me though. Try it on someone at the bar. Eventually someone will be all “Oh. Well they did have a coupon”. You’re welcome.”
And Victor’s all “Why would you even write something like that?” and I’m like “Because no one is going to throw away a coupon for a free hand job. It’s called ‘marketing‘, asshole“. And then he’s all “Why did you buy all these little disposable toothbrushes?” and I’m like “Because those toothbrushes work without water and I don’t know how the bathrooms work on the ship and I want to be able to brush my teeth even if I don’t have a sink” and he’s all “You don’t know how bathrooms work?” and I’m like “Well, in my head it’s like BattleStar Galactica with the co-ed bathrooms and I’m not going to brush my teeth in front of a bunch of naked man-junk” and then Victor gave me this look of disgust which was weird because I thought he’d be proud that I don’t want to shower with a bunch of dudes and take it as a sign of awesome loyalty but he didn’t because he’s an asshole. So then I lay down for a second but I must have fell asleep because when I woke up it was 5 hours later and Victor had gone to pick up Hailey from daycare even though he has a terrible man cold and it’s technically my job to pick up Hailey and then I felt kind of even more pissed because that was so sweet and he probably did it on purpose so that I’d realize he’s a better person than I am and then I thought “Wow. I am really kind of irrational. It must suck to live with me” and Victor shrugs and is all “Meh. Just sometimes” because apparently I said it out loud. And he’s an asshole.
PS. He’s not really an asshole.
PPS. Sometimes he’s an asshole.
PPPS. The people from my satirical sex column sent me a box of stuff to give out to the people in the navy including a bunch of these guys and Victor’s all “That is COMPLETELY inappropriate” and I’m all “I know, right?” Because clearly that guy is in the army. Also they sent me an inflatable sheep and leather hood and other things that will be very hard to explain to the people at airport security but if they give me a hassle I’ll be all “But it’s for our troops” and then I bet it’ll be fine because if the Navy doesn’t get this stuff it’s like the terrorists win.
PPPPS. Victor thinks I need to clarify that I totally agree that I should not bring most of this stuff because the military is serious and awesome so I’ll probably just bring the edible tattoos for the navy and also the inflatable sheep for myself just in case we have some sort of water landing and I need a floatie.
PPPPPS. I leave tomorrow on this trip and I just wanted to say that I adore my husband and daughter and my family and if I die on this trip I want all my stuff to go to them. Except for the sex stuff. Someone needs to burn that before my mom comes over. I’m pretty sure this counts as a will.
PPPPPPS. Did I mention that the head guy of this aircraft carrier is named “Charlie Brown”? I couldn’t even make this shit up.
Comment of the day: so my friend’s mom – her name is ruth, just, you know, to flesh this story out a little – was, at one time, a twice-divorced single mother-of-three who was so broken up about Life Experiences that she drove cross-country, away from the latest heartbreak, weeping and scream-singing to that song that goes, “once upon a time i was falling in love / now i’m only falling apart / there’s nothing i can do / a total eclipse of the HEAAAART.” i love that image and i hold it close to me when i am sad. and so anyway. then she had this gyneCOLOGIST, i am serious, named, i am serious, Charlie Brown. i think he maybe tried to go by charles. which was surely a losing battle. and so he had been her gynecologist for a WHILE. he had delivered at least the last kid. and his name was CHARLIE BROWN. CHARLIE BROWN WAS LOOKING UP HER TWAT ON A REGULAR BASIS. ok. so then. i am still serious. they started dating. and then they fell in love. and then they got married. I AM SERIOUS. and you know, he was pretty rich, because you know, doctors make a lot of money. and now they send us christmas cards every year with family pictures of all of them and the dog. and ruth collects christmas memorabilia. and the oldest kid is my best friend in the world and is getting his phd at princeton. they are lovely people and i adore them. ruth, and her three kiddos, and charlie brown the gynecologist, and the dog, and all the porcelain santa figurines. ~ Lacey