You can tell they’re Jesus’ hands because of the holes in them unless maybe it’s someone who got shot in the hands, which could totally happen but they wouldn’t make that into a t-shirt. Probably.

(Yes.  I know my blog’s a bit broken.  Trying to fix it now.  Might end in a furious explosion. Just FYI.)


You know what I like about this t-shirt is it looks like you just got molested by Jesus.  And at first people would be all “OMG, were you just molested?” but then they’d see the holes in the hands and be all “O-0h, false alarm.  It’s just Jesus”.  Because it’s totally okay to have two big hand-prints on your boobs as long as they’re Jesus’.  Probably the Pope could get away with it too.  The old Pope though.  Not the new one.  The old Pope looks like he’d adopt you and teach you kung fu.  The new Pope looks like at any moment he might suddenly start eating people.  Which would suck because at first you’d be all “Wow.  That was unexpected.  But the Pope is infallible so…maybe he’s supposed to be eating those people?”  If I were there I’d hang around to see exactly who he was eating before I made a judgement because I’m open-minded.  But if he like ate a baby duck or a kitten I’d be all “This dude’s bonkers” and I’d totally bail.  That’s why if I ever go see the Pope I’m bringing a test kitten with me so I can toss it at him if he starts eating people.  And also because everyone loves kittens and he’d be all “Oh!  You have a kitten!  Come up here and sit with me” and I’d be like  “So there, Catholics. I didn’t even go to Catechism and I get to sit with the Pope.  Maybe you should have spent a little less time not liking condoms and a little more time breeding kittens” and then I’d turn around and the kitten would be hanging out of the Pope’s mouth and I’d be all “Well, shit“.  And that’s totally what would happen because God hates hubris.  That’s why I’d bring someone else’s kitten.  An expendable kitten.  Also, I just realized that maybe the Pope would be eating kittens and people not because he’s an angry cannibal but maybe because he accidentally got turned into a zombie.  And now I just feel sorry for him.

Related: Holy crap, y’all:  “Happy Birthday, Jesus.(It’s “related” in the sense that both of these things will be hard to explain to God when I get to heaven.  But I bet He’ll totally get it when I explain it to him. Except that He shouldn’t have to have it explained to Him because He’s “all knowing” so probably He’d totally get it before I even finished thinking about it.  In fact, since everything we do is planned by God then technically it’s like He wrote this whole post.  Which I don’t think speaks well for the New Pope.  Or maybe it’s supposed to be ironic.  Either way I think we should all laugh just in case so we don’t get struck by lightning. Good one, God.)

Updated: Okay, since I had to switch back to my original design for today I temporarily lost my little placeholders for my other blogs so for today I’m linking to them in the post:  My Sex Column, which is surprisingly safe for work even though it might be blocked just for the title alone and my advice column, which is probably not blocked by your work even though it probably should be.

Comment of the day: I like that the shirt comes only in “Slim Fit”. Jesus loves most of us, but, you know, the others need to drop a few pounds before his hands are going there. ~Fairly Odd Mother

98 thoughts on “You can tell they’re Jesus’ hands because of the holes in them unless maybe it’s someone who got shot in the hands, which could totally happen but they wouldn’t make that into a t-shirt. Probably.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You are so right. That new pope reallytrulyseriously is a kitten-eating zombie. Just goes to show the Catholic church? Not what it claims to be. The proof is in the pope-ing.

    pamela’s last blog post..oh please.

  2. I’m going to have noly cannibalism nightmares tonight and never go to Rome without a suitcase full of kitties, which will get me strip searched at the airport by freakazoids (or zombies) and my face splashed on newspapers for smuggling pussies, which would lead to that 15 minutes of fame EVERYBODY craves.

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..W00t! I’m A Blog of the Week!

  3. If you were molested by Jesus and you got pregnant, would you name the baby Jesus, Jr or Abraham, and of course if it was a girl you could name her Mary. However, I am totally leaning towards Rachel because she was a whore and I like whores. Well, maybe if it was my daughter, I wouldn’t but still. This post… is HOLY. Jesus, I love you just so you know and forgive my whore-lovin ways.

  4. I’d totally let Jesus cop a feel. But he’d hafta turn a shitload of water into wine first. And I mean a lot of wine. And a lot of good wine too. Not any cheap, crappy white zin. If Jesus turns water into white zin, he might not even get to first base!

    rougeneck’s last blog post..My Week In Tweets: 5/17 – 5/23

  5. Just love the logic here..I can absolutely see how the Pope’s cannibalism is God’s fault
    And BTW Pamela I think you meant “The proof of the pope-ing is in the eating ” 😉

  6. As a Catholic, I feel the need to explain that you’ve got this all wrong. The Pope would totally not eat your ‘pussy’. Creepy priests generally swing the OTHER way.

    Now, I wonder how many Hail Marys and Hello Dollies I’ll be getting in Confession for THAT one…?

    Ri’s last blog post..Damn right. He’s a badass.

  7. The Jesus’ birthday party hats are great, but how awesome is the Jesus costume? I mean, what kid tells his mom “I wanna be Jesus for Halloween.” It reminds be of the time my roommate dressed as the Pope but with a rope around his neck so he was “Pope on a Rope.”

    Laurie Ann’s last blog post..Vintage Photo Friday

  8. You know what’s awesome about the Jesus costume is that down on the bottom it’s all “If you like Jesus you might also like Leprechauns”. Awesome.

  9. My brother and I have often started Christmas Day by saying, “Happy Birthday, Jesus!” Heck (I changed that from “Hell”), I even tried to write an ad for the local radio station as our way of explaining why we weren’t airing birthday announcements from non-Messiahs that day. My station manager laughed but she still said no.
    Anyway, this party hat is totally taking away from the sacriligiousness of our family joke, and I’m not amused.

  10. J, you absolutely never make sense and yet I TOTALLY was able to follow that entire line of thought.

    Is my brain broken?

    Also, I’m glad it’s not just me that thinks this new pope looks creepy. I am also Not Catholic and the old pope, I would probably have liked to meet and give a hug to. He seemed like a grandpa type guy. New Pope? CREEPY.

    Della’s last blog post..What’s up. (Catherine made me do it, part 2)

  11. Wait, okay, who can I send this post to who will totally appreciate the logic and complete lack of political correctness…? I know! My brother will love it! Great — thanks for helping me out. I just had to send it to someone.

    feefifoto’s last blog post..I’m A Twitter Quitter

  12. We bake a Happy Birthday Jesus cake every Christmas. I find cake is better when it’s a little on the sacreligious side.

  13. Jesus touching my boobies? Dirty Hawt
    Krishna touching my boobies? Bollyhawt
    Buddha touching my boobies? That’s just good karma
    Muhammad touching my boobies? That’s just the bom………..

    Whoa, my need to amuse you just took a very very wrong turn
    *Puts on PC dunce cap & sits in the corner*

    Rachel M.’s last blog post..With respect to ….Love Maegan

  14. I was planning on taking my cat, with me if I ever get to meet the pope. Now I think I’ll take my dog instead.

  15. OK, so you totally skipped over the obvious Jesus hands on the boobs and party hats interrelation…

  16. My mom, who used to be a total hippie and now is a super uptight born again Christian, likes to rewrite history and say that I always said “happy birthday, Jesus” on Christmas, when in fact we spent most Christmases making “unity brownies” which now I’m pretty sure were pot brownies because she and my dad spent the rest of the day laughing at the dumb plays I would put on with my multi-cultural Cabbage Patch kids and naked Barbie dolls and eating all of our Christmas candy.

    I’m pretty sure the only time Jesus was mentioned was when my dad would yell “Jesus-fucking-Christ! Your mother burned the damn ham again.” and then my mom would cry. If Jesus had been there I’m pretty sure none of that would have happened.

    Lemish’s last blog post..No one ever tells you not to spray your junk with Scrubbing Bubbles because it burns and will not make it less purple. I just did. You’re welcome.

  17. I wonder if Jesus gets, like, totally pissed that he doesn’t get any birthday cake. Or presents. In fact, WE get the presents. Score for us. Sad for Jesus.

    Swistle’s last blog post..Superpowers

  18. I like that you’re thinking ahead, but just because he eats people doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll eat kittens. You should bring an expendable baby, or even a couple. I have a couple of throwing babies in the garage if you’re interested. I’ve only used them like twice, and once was just to try them out. I just don’t have the time to use them like I thought I would. I was going to put them on e-bay, but I’ll trade them for your wig and something from your kitchen.

    MayoPie’s last blog post..WWEED: It’s a way of life

  19. Everybody knows Popes don’t eat kittens or people.

    Well, . . . maybe this current one. . .

    Generally, they eat altarboys.

    And the occasional deliveryboy , . . . . . . . schoolboy, . . . .boy scout, . . . boy playing soccer, . . . boy riding bike, . . . boy flying kite, . . . ,chef boy are dee, . . . . boysenberry, . . .

  20. I would like to point out that the Pope totally just aided in your kitten-mitten idea, so you should be grateful.

    My husband would like to point out that Jesus’ hand-holes are right exactly where the nipples would be, so maybe he’s not all that pervy after all, since he’s not actually touching the nipples.

    I would like to point out that my husband’s observation is actually quite pervy.

    My husband would like to point out that he’s not pervy, but merely observant. And also, that not all Catholics are allowed to eat kittens. So, just the Pope then. I assume.

    Momma Trish’s last blog post..Chuck E Cheese is not …

  21. At first glance I thought the nail holes were ‘sposed to be niples. Then I thought about dropping acid and having a tide party. Like we did last year.

  22. Jesus is feeling us up all the time and we don’t even know it. I know people out there are all discusted because we are talking about jesus getting to second base and all but come on jesus is a man and all men love boobs. Well not all men but if jesus was gay…. ok im just going to stop right there.

  23. Sexy Jesus … sexy lobster?

    I totally just puked a bunch of water out of my nose reading this, and immediately ran to my bedroom to awaken my sleeping husband, who’s father is a pastor, to show him this, and he’s all, “What the fuck is wrong with you? You’re clearly retarded,” but I think that HE’S retarded, because the Pope IS a zombie, and I can’t believe no one noticed until now. Thank you for that. Plus, it’s kind of a good thing that he eats kittens, because it’s way easier to turn them inside out that way. For mittens.

    I had to go to the spouse’s family barbecue this evening and the only one saying swears was me. Also, his teenage cousins wouldn’t look at my cleavage. But they would HAVE to if it had Jesus’ paw prints on it. Also, I am going to by those hats for Christmas next year at the in-laws. It will make up for last year when I got drunk and shouted “cunt” in front of my mother-in-law and then fell down in the snow and cried.

    emvandee’s last blog post..An Unbalanced Breakfast.

  24. I’m sorry but that shirt looks like Jesus just ripped somone’s heart out. He probably then handed it to the pope to eat.


    He looks like a zombie. A pasty pale old zombie.


    Sorry. I get excited over Zommm-beh Popes.

    Chloe’s last blog post..Feel Good Friday. (Part II)

  26. I like how it says “unconditional.” Like Jesus loves us unconditionally, and also “that way,” too – that’s why he grabbed your boobs. It looks like a joke shirt…but the write-up on the order page sounds so serious.

  27. Some nippies would totally fit through the nail-holes in Jesus’ hands. If they were lactating nippies, you could call them tasties instead of pasties, especially if Jesus turned breastmilk into wine; which is where I’m guessing he learned that trick to begin with.

    topo’s last blog post..haiku

  28. Having been to Rome, which is literally blanketed in roaming stray cats, I think that the Pope prefers puppies.

    Just saying.

  29. I like that the shirt comes only in “Slim Fit”. Jesus loves most of us, but, you know, the others need to drop a few pounds before his hands are going there.

  30. Okay, I am totally getting one of those shirts. Pure Awesome.

    Also, I think you just accidentally created the plot for the next hollywood blockbuster zombie movie…

    Opening sequence: Bloggess arives carrying two babies and expendable kittens, randomly throwing them at the pope… then BAM the pope starts chewing…

    Write that bitch UP.

    Jelly’s last blog post..I just found the light at the end of the tunnel!

  31. The back of the shirt could say “I’ve been groped by Jesus” or “My boobs are washed in the blood of the lamb, how about yours?”

    That would be awesome.

  32. DAMN IT!!! I just let my sister-in-law leave for ROME, Jenny, ROME!!! -AKA POPE CENTRAL!!!! A.) she’s turning 21 TODAY, 2.) she’s aCATHOLIC and FINALLY her MAIN OBJECTIVE was to get the pope’s autograph- ON HER BOOBS!!! that has bloody-booby-wine/zombie-fiasco written all over it!!! DAMN IT! Why didn’t I read this post earlier!!!!

  33. This reminds me… I either commented or twitterd (see your last Nancy W Kappes post…) and asked you to tell Nancy that I NEED a Jesus hat. Any word on that yet, or should I go off and pray about it a little longer? Because I will, but I’m also impatient and i know you’re busy so I just wanted to remind you.

    Actually you know… wearing THIS shirt WITH the Jesus hat and some red leather pants? Smokin’ hot Christian Rock Concert attire! And kinda screams for the Jesus World Tour list to be printed on the back, no? There’s big money in concert memorabilia. You’d make a killing. Though I think there’s a rule you have to donate some back to God. Oh well, I guess it’s like taxes.

    Karen’s last blog post..Did you keep your receipt?

  34. Good! Man the new pope looks, I don’t know, like he could eat kittens, like he could put a hit on you, like he’s drunk with the infallibility of the popehood, like he’s scary. And I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed.

    That shirt….soooooo messed up. The crazy things Christians try to come up with to spread the word. How about just a good old fashioned ‘Jesus is my homeboy’ shirt.

    Pamela said: The proof is in the pope-ing
    Maggie Corrected saying: I think you mean the proof of the pope-ing is in the eating
    Me Correcting Maggie: I believe what Pamela was doing there was a pun on The proof is in the pudding. You know …the saying??

    The end.

  35. I too have the revisionist history mother who about five or six years ago started baking Baby Jesus Birthday cakes at Christmas. When I questioned this she said “Don’t you remember? It’s the Baby Jesus Birthday cake! Don’t you remember how I used to always make the Baby Jesus Birthday cake?” I realize I probably should have said yes and backed her out of the kitchen as it was a certain sign of dementia but she wasn’t close to the knives.

    So you’ll be taking the ‘Red Shirt’ kitten then.

    Turnbaby’s last blog post..Hand Made (With Gloves On)

  36. So it’s time to come clean. Here’s the real story behind that shirt.

    I was standing at the kitchen sink one morning, opening a can of cat food so I could give my cat his medicine because he’s fat and he tore his cat acl by trying to jump on things, when, all of the sudden I looked out the window and saw a nun walking a puppy and then a ninja wearing a real ninja uniform and everything jumped out from behind the disturbingly large ornamental grass that’s out by my mailbox and was all, “Give me that puppy so I can eat it,” except that ninjas don’t talk, so he said it with his eyes. When she didn’t hand over the puppy, the ninja pulled out one of those ninja throwing stars and, using my lightning fast reflexes and my amazing athletic prowess, I pulled the lid off of the cat food, leaped out the window, and double flipped down the driveway. A ninja star was heading right for the puppy’s tail when I shot my hand out mid flip and caught it just in time, thereby sustaining a nearly fatal wound to my thumb. As I caught the star, I threw the razor sharp cat food lid at the ninja and cut off his head, which I then buried in the ornamental grass. Then nun thanked me and said she wanted to buy me a jelly doughnut and I was all, “No thanks necessary and besides, my doctor says I need to cut back,” and she was all, “But my child, Jesus wants you to have a doughnut,” and what do you say to that? So the nun, the puppy, and I all went to Dunkin Donuts and lived happily ever after, and then I felt her boobs and it made this shirt because she had magical nun boobs, Amen. I mean, The End.

    Just Barely’s last blog post..Seriously? I have to parent them? Like every day?

  37. I think that this is just a little scarier…probably because it is closer to home and he has actually been to my city and everything to tell us that there is a provision in the Canadian budget to fix about 6 feet of highway that is nowhere near us. This is our Prime Minister. Look how terrified that kitten is. Seriously! Maybe he is related to the new zombie kitten eating pope?

    melistress’s last blog post..Cranky, Tired and Uninspired

  38. I was just in Rome, at the Vatican, and a monk cut in front of us in line. True story. And this was right after a group of ten priests jaywalked across the street to get to the Vatican. I was completely shocked. I’m thinking, “Dudes, what would Jesus do? I’m pretty sure HE wouldn’t jaywalk. OR cut in line. In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s in the Bible.”

    (They probably needed to get in quicker so they could go watch the pope eat kittens. Come to think of it, I saw NO cats at all in Rome. Hmm.)

    laurie’s last blog post..A Mother’s Role in Dealing with Testicular Cancer, Part I

  39. “55 melistress May 25, 2009 at 8:48 am
    I think that this is just a little scarier…probably because it is closer to home and he has actually been to my city and everything to tell us that there is a provision in the Canadian budget to fix about 6 feet of highway that is nowhere near us. This is our Prime Minister. Look how terrified that kitten is. Seriously! Maybe he is related to the new zombie kitten eating pope?

    melistress’s last blog post..Cranky, Tired and Uninspired”

    That’s how I fondle my snacks

  40. Did you know that they have vendors right outside of the Vatican that sell Pope-sicles? I am now seriously thinking of trying to get a Buttercream Scripture Mints kiosk. And a kitten.

    Babybloomr’s last blog post..Tom’s Shoes

  41. Okay, like I have this friend who makes a birthday cake for Jesus that they put candles on and sing around on Christmas. For real. And then the eat the cake with ice cream. I had some, too. I know, I’m a Jew, but I totally love cake.

    And it wasn’t the birthday hats that got me it was the cross shaped suckers. OMG!

  42. AGAIN: With corrections.

    Okay, like I have this friend who makes a birthday cake for Jesus that they put candles on and sing around on Christmas. For real. And then they eat the cake with ice cream. I had some, too. I know, I’m a Jew, but I totally love cake.

    And it wasn’t the birthday hats that got me — it was the cross shaped suckers. OMG!

  43. okay, how about:

    Back of the shirt: “Jesus groped my boobs for salvation and all I got was this lousy shirt”

    Seriously, sell enough of these and I think it’s a sign of the apoocalypse…

  44. So a question.
    If the Pope WAS a zombie, and we had to fight him off, would that be a sin? Because I’m totally willing to fight a Pope zombie if i wouldn’t get in trouble for it…
    And who’s side would God be on anyway? Would he be on the “lets kill the living dead side”? or would he be on the popes side cause he’s holy?
    Well if he’s a zombie, maybe that takes away his holiness.
    Can zombies be holy??

  45. What if those were the hands of someone who was praying and one gunshot made both holes? A twofer!
    Also, God gave us free will so I think you’re still going to have to answer for this post. And me for commenting on it.
    Why were you researching these bizarre items in the first place?

  46. You know that is a guy’s shirt. Jesus is copping a feel for man boobs. No wonder he never married. I always thought he put his career ahead of having a family. Wow, I learn so much reading this blog.

  47. My sister-in-law totally makes us wear those hats at Christmas. I always wondered where she got them. Let’s just hope she doesn’t get her hands on some of those t-shirts!

    Andrea’s Sweet Life’s last blog post..Dust and Dirt

  48. As a Catholic, I feel it’s my duty to correct a misconception that apparently many of you have. As Catholics, we ARE allowed to eat kittens. Just not on Fridays in Lent. Consider yourselves informed.

  49. Um, sweetie, why can’t I see the top of your page? As far up as I can go is about the middle of the T-shirt. Is it just me?

  50. The stigmata kinda look like the titties.

    Can I say that here.. “titties”?

    So, if Iesu squeezes a girl’s boobs like that, and she gets all excited, would the titties poke out through the stigmata?

    ‘Cause that would be just weird. Why is Jesus so dirty?

  51. Can read the whole blog.
    But do I really want to?
    Aren’t the souls of my kittens at risk here?
    It’s hard enough keeping them away from the kitty porn.

  52. Zack, first of all it isn’t the souls of your kittens you need to worry about. It’s their bodies. And my blog doesn’t want to eat your kitten’s bodies. The pope does. Also, why are your kittens even reading my blog? You are a terrible parent. Also, what kind of kittens are they? Are they tasty looking kittens? Because I heard the Pope is going on tour and I need to borrow some.

  53. Has your doc tried the steroid decadron with your other meds? Worked amazingly for me – only bad thing – it gives you the “I’m totally drunk munchies”.

  54. Have you seen New Pope’s shoes? They’re like creepy shiny red leather that I’m positive is from kittens. That’s the only reason he wanted to be Pope is so he could live in Italy where they make weird shoes out of whatever you want. Like kittens.

    Penne’s last blog post..Don’t let the bedbugs bite.

  55. little known fact:
    Commandment # 11 Thou shall not be Hubristic.

    Commandment # 19 Thous shall not covet thy neighbors kitten.

    William’s last blog post..Junkie

  56. I don’t understand why you’d ever have a problem with your husband doing Charlotte Rae.

    Mrs. Garrett has that real cool tremor going on, plus that voice and the pantsuits.

    I think anyone would do her and do her hard.

  57. Man, did you read the reviews on that t-shirt? “With the bright red hand prints and one simple word you can show others where our treasure really lies.” Our treasures really do lie on our chests. Unless you’re a dude. They make a pair of jeans with a bloody handprint on the crotch for you guys.

    This one also creeps me out: That sheep is FUCKED.

    Sawing on a Jawbone’s last blog post..And That’s Pretty Much the Last Thing I Remember About Saturday Night

  58. It’s funny that you think upon turning around you’d see the kitten hanging out of the Pope’s mouth. I’m convinced that he’s purr-fected the one gulp kitten eating tactic. He’d have to …because seriously I think him being photographed with a kitten hanging out of his mouth might be a little image damaging.

    WM’s last blog post..Guess

  59. As much as I hate to admit it because I think it’s probably some sort of sin and the rapture will come right as I’m laughing out loud and I’ll be LEFT BEHIND, which is a big fear of mine, right up there with bats getting caught in my hair, you are so, so funny that if I had 1/3 of your funny, I’d be a happy girl. Or at least a funny one.

    Alison (aka Cluck and Tweet)’s last blog post..It’s like this…but not as pretty. And it smells funny.

  60. holy effin’ crap.
    I have to start making “the Socks of Turin” again. I have a batch half-finished from 1995 but now is the time and Etsy will be the place, I suppose.
    Thanks for exposing this.

  61. I can’t imagine anything more wonderful than Jesus with either paint-splattered or filthy hands putting them all over my tits.

  62. The only problem is that the Romans crucified through the wrist not the palm of the hand. So maybe it’s someone else with holes in their hands. The weight of the human body cannot be held without tearring through the palms.
    Twitter [at]embassy50

  63. Pingback: Good Mom / Bad Mom
  64. One year for christmas, my roommate and I bought a unit of every single “Happy Birthday Jesus” item in the Oriental Trading Catalog and then gave them to our friends.

  65. Truly the one thing the internet needed. Anyone who blogged after this is a monster.

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