This week on my sex column (which is satirical and occasionally safe for work if your boss isn’t an asshole):
This week on my mommy blog on the Houston Chronicle:
- Home-made zombie survival kit: Inappropriate gift for a five-year old.
This week on the internets:
- I gave pregnancy advice to my friend, Design Mom, and now her site has completely crashed. I blame me.
This week on shit-I-didn’t-write-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
- Yes. It’s a commercial for shampoo. And it made me cry.
- I’m a little embarrassed for this cat.
PS. This post was all set to auto-publish this morning but I didn’t do it right and I just came home from the airport to find out I’d failed at publishing re-runs. I am the worst blogger ever. Also, I had a panic attack today in front of my in-laws and it was mortifying and not really in a funny way and I kind of want to write about it except it doesn’t really fit here. Technically it doesn’t really fit anywhere. I have four blogs and this one is basically made for shit that doesn’t fit anywhere and it still doesn’t fit anywhere. I may put it here anyway though so be prepared for depressing, emo shit unless I pass out before I finish it. Also, if you’re really depressed and you decide to read Jack Kerouac to distract yourself on the airplane you’re going to want to kill yourself. No one told me that. There should be a warning on those books.
24 thoughts on “Something is wrong with me”
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poor pumpkin feel better soon. and i had a panic attack in front of my doctor, my ORTHOPEDIC Dr. i found that immensly embarrasing.
.-= peedee´s last blog ..From here to there and back again. =-.
I’m worried about you … and I already have enough people to worry about. Stop it.
.-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..Hewlett Packard wants me to feel bad about myself =-.
Jack Kerouac is dangerous. If you ever need a travel handler, give me a ring.
.-= Deb on the Rocks´s last blog ..A Night-Night Story for Nestle’s Blogger Junket =-.
Jenny, I have no doubt that if you do decide to write about it here, that either you or us will find something inherently hilarious in it. I think we all know now that sometimes finding humor in the bad shit is the only way to cope.
Sending you lots of love, missy…
.-= Amber @ pacigraveyard´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Three Days Late But She’s So Cute Edition =-.
Ah, it just gives the inlaws something else to point to and say they have the best son in the history of sons… or maybe that’s just in my family.
.-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..You Get A Two-fer LMFAO Friday Because I’m Totally A Thief Too =-.
You think Kerouac is bad, try reading Selby. It really only goes two ways with his books, either you get really happy that you are not in the situations that his characters are or you get horribly depressed over the messed up situations that these characters live and escalate. At least I don’t think you’re in a situation that his characters are in. You’re not addicted to heroine with a dissolving dream about making it big as a drug dealer are you? You haven’t been forced into elctroshock or had an infection in your arm so bad that doctors had to amputate, right (by the way, all of that was in one Selby novel)? So, unless you a.) are addicted to heroine, b.) have a dream about making it big as a drug dealer, c.) have been forced into electroshock, or d.) had an infection in your arm (from shooting heroine) so bad that your arm was amputated, then you should be happy. So smile. Or not. Whatever you feel like. I’m not your boss.
I had a bad week too, and this video of a parrot having sex with an English dude’s head while his friends from the BBC keep narrating made me feel a lot better. Because, no matter what’s going on – at least you aren’t being shagged by a rare parrot. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9T1vfsHYiKY
You’re very funny and if I had a bigger bust I’d print your last paragraph and wear it on a t-shirt.
.-= meredith groenevelt´s last blog ..maybe she’s dirty dancing with patrick swayze =-.
Sending you positive, healthy vibes. Just in case stuff like that works. Hopefully they don’t get mixed up or warped by high power lines on the way there. Or, maybe that’s too dangerous. So just read this comment and know that I *meant* to send you positive vibes but didn’t want to take the risk on totally f-ing you up.
.-= Elizabeth Potts Weinstein´s last blog ..Resistance Is Not Futile =-.
Don’t feel bad. I had constant panic attacks right after birth to the point that I wanted to somehow attach myself to my husband’s ankle so I could go to work with him. Who would seriously ever want to do that??!
Hopefully, Mr. Xanax made a stop by the attack….
.-= Marisa @ Where’s The Party?´s last blog ..Will Swine Flu really, truly take over the world? =-.
Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Wax on, wax off. Meka-leka-hi meka-hinee-ho.
All better now?
.-= pjwaldron´s last blog ..Uriah Q. Muttonchop on Advancements & Breakthroughs in the Great Scientific Endeavor =-.
I hope you feel better! I have panic disorder and it makes me want to stab myself in the face. I spend my days trying to work up the courage to go to the grocery store. Yeah, it is sad, but I get to tell people that I’m not leaving the house because I’m a vampire and sometimes they believe me.
.-= sanya´s last blog ..On Relationships =-.
Ha…feel better. I am an anxiety attack waiting to happen!
.-= Jessica @ How Sweet It Is´s last blog ..6 Things My Mom Was Right About. =-.
I found that booze was really good for panic attacks, then I became an alcoholic which is lots less fun than you would think, so I now I just take ativan, which, by the way, is a little MORE fun than you think it is. So in mental health terms, I pretty much broke even.
Panic attacks suck. At least it was in a semi-private place, not like when I had a panic attack in the grocery store and was paralyzed by the refried beans. I mean next to, not by. I was totally embarassing and I swore I’d never go into that store again. Can you get away with avoiding your in-laws forever? That may be the best plan yet.
.-= Barbara´s last blog ..I’ll probably never go the movies again =-.
((((((((((Jenny)))))))))) You’re not the worst blogger ever. You’re the best blogger ever. I hope you feel better soon.
I hope you write about the panic attack…I have them quite often, but I don’t think I’ve ever had one in front of my in-laws. I think I may need to stay away from that author if he makes you suicidal…I’m older than you and border line in peri-menopause, so that might not be a good idea. I’d rather read the effed up links on your sex column instead!
.-= LilSis´s last blog ..Aveeno Shave Gels Make You Smooooooth! =-.
Feel better! Would it make you feel better that you are my blogger inspiration (for realz)? Or I can send you your own personal zombie kit so you dont have to share??
.-= Kirsten´s last blog ..I go to UTI!! =-.
My 9th grade English teacher gave me “The Bell Jar” to read because she thought I could relate to it. This obviously did wonders for my self-esteem.
(Don’t read that book.)
I doubt Victor will ever give up on you and I hope you don’t either. Lots and lots of us understand. Please don’t think you’re alone. It seems like the brighter a personality is the more it needs times of darkness to recharge. Be well, sweet Jenny.
.-= Penne´s last blog ..Loss and found. =-.
I have unfitting panic attacks regularly. I usually try to dispel them by writing about them, but then all of my friends start calling me to see why I’m freaking out. It’s a lose/lose really.
.-= The818´s last blog ..Sex and Pineapple =-.
Hey, if the in-laws aren’t understanding about the panic attack, feed them to the zombies. Heck if anyone around you isn’t understanding when you need them to be, they too should be Zombie Chow.
Normal’s overrated. Just be you – because you’re awesome!
Oops. I typed awesome. Does that mean a kitten croaked?
.-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..Porch Chair Revamp Take 2 =-.
You should avoid panic attacks in front of in-laws if possible, nobody should see you in a moment of weakness (not even them). But it’s ok, don’t panic, we still have time to perform a little post-attack cleanup. Go get a large roll of black trash bags, 8 plastic ring ties, a hacksaw, 20 toilet rolls (double ply please!), 1 large red onion, 1/2 cup of ground cumin, 2 chicken breasts…. Woah. Sorry. Think I got my lists confused there. That would either have been one hell of a dinner or the tastiest murder/suicide ever. Mmm… Suicide. Yummy.
.-= Mark 2100´s last blog ..Reverse Propaganda – Telling the truth to confuse the addled mind =-.
I had a panic attack while at a GP appointment once. It was awesome. They don’t let you leave until your heart beat stops sounding like a swarm of bees. The more they poke and prod to see if you’re all right, the more anxious you get, the more the bees come. Oh, and did you know the medical treatment for a panic attack is jelly beans? Nah, didn’t think so.