Me, Darth Vader’s brother, Guy Kawasaki and the hijacker from The Usual Suspects. Just, you know, hanging out.

In another chapter of I-couldn’t-even-make-this-shit-up, I got asked to speak at the BlogWorld Expo in Vegas in a few weeks.  I’ll be doing a keynote with Guy Kawasaki, Chad Vader and Kevin Pollak.

That’s weird, right?  I probably won’t have to talk since I’m the token unknown chick in the equation but either way it will be interesting/horrific.  Except no one told me what our keynote is supposed to be about and I just said yes without even asking because I’m unprofessional that way.  So I sent Guy this email:

So what’s our keynote about anyway?  Not that it matters since I’ll just probably just babble incomprehensibly anyway.  If we don’t already have one I suggest “Bad Porn:  Why is there so much of it?”  Both because it’s an awesome topic and also because you and Vader have probably never discussed that in a keynote so it’ll be like a whole new frontier.  Just throwing it out there.

Also, Kevin Pollak scares me the shit out of me.  I’m pretty sure he’s in the mafia.  Or he played someone in the mafia.  Regardless, I’m totally intimidated by him.  Am I not supposed to make eye contact with him?  I don’t know all the rules of dealing with movie stars.  Can I just sit next to Vader instead?

Hugs ~ me

PS.  I’m a bit intimidated by Vader too but he’s less complicated since he doesn’t actually have eyes to make contact with.  Plus, I can just tell myself that it could be anyone under that vader suit.  Hell, it could be Kevin Pollak under there.

Fuck.  Now I’m scared of Vader too.

I haven’t heard back from him yet but that’s probably because he’s trying to pitch the porn idea as his own because it’s so awesome.  Or he’s convincing the BlogWorld organizers that he made a terrible mistake in recommending me.  Which he totally has.

Speaking of this-has-nothing-to-do-with-anything, you know what I did last night when I couldn’t sleep?  I came up with 28 ideas for sequels to The Little Engine that Could and this morning I’m looking at them thinking, “How high was I?” and the answer is “Pretty high” because I don’t even remember writing some of these.  I should probably delete them all but I’m going to stick them all at the bottom of this post as an example of why I shouldn’t really be allowed to speak to anyone, ever.

Alternate versions of The Little Engine that Could:

The little engine that should have.

The little engine that couldn’t care less.

The little engine that did and then found out it was overrated and then got disillusioned with life and stopped showering.

The little engine that did it with a prostitute and got syphilis.

The little engine that tried to do it but couldn’t and then later he found out that when he was born they weren’t sure if he was a train or a tractor so the doctor just made him into a train because that was easier but turns out?  Totally a tractor.

The little engine that needs to stop being such a douche canoe.

The little engine that tried but failed because sometimes life isn’t fair.

The little engine that died from overexertion and later his parents were all “WHY? Why didn’t he just wait for a bigger train?”  And no one had an answer.

The little engine that resented being called that because he thought it was racially insensitive and he started a big protest group then someone explained to that it was “engine” and not “Injun” and then he was all “Oh. I’ve wasted my life“.

The little engine that refused to unload his cargo because he was a hoarder.

The little engine that we all made fun of in school and later he got cancer and now we all feel bad.

The little engine that could do better.

The little engine that isn’t even applying herself.

The little engine that is just asking for a smack in the mouth if engines had mouths.

The little engine that refused to let men into his caboose because his father made him homophobic.

The little engine that could if he wanted to but he “just doesn’t feel like it right now”.

The little engine that accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior but then found out that engines don’t have souls and he hoped there was at least an engine purgatory, but no.  There wasn’t.

The little engine that would have if he knew it was even an option.

The little engine that didn’t care for Asians.

The little engine that pretended he did it so much that he actually started to believe he actually had done it even though he never had.

The little engine that bullied you in third grade.

The little engine that’s way too concerned about Obama’s birth certificate.

The little engine that doesn’t have time to talk to you right now.

The little engine that can’t take a hint.

The little engine named Luka that lived on the second floor.

The little engine that was offended that he kept being referred to as “that” and would prefer “The little engine *who* would appreciate it if you’d use less hurtful words”

The little engine that could, but didn’t.  So maybe he couldn’t.  I mean, we don’t really know if he could unless he tried and succeeded.  Never mind.  The little engine who might’ve if he wasn’t such a damn baby.

The little mermaid who wanted to be an engine because she got sick of being a human but didn’t want to crawl home to her father after her divorce because he’d be all “I told you so“.

The little engine and the half-blood prince.

The little engine that ate my sandwich.  You. mother. fucker.

Comment of the day: You’re giving a speech with the guy who invented the motorcycle, Darth Vaders brother, and Cupid from The Santa Clause!? Yeah, nothing could possibly go wrong there. I think I feel a trip to Vegas coming on. Similar to the flu, but with more drinking. ~ The Original Lisa

181 thoughts on “Me, Darth Vader’s brother, Guy Kawasaki and the hijacker from The Usual Suspects. Just, you know, hanging out.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You are the best. I would come to Vegas and see you, you know, if I ever left my house. Oh wells! Next time, dude. Also, I think you are allowed to make eye contact with Kevin Pollack. Just don’t lick him on the face. I hear that movie stars don’t like to be licked on the face by strangers.
    .-= Karen´s last blog ..On The Dancing Bun, A Post in Point(e) Form. =-.

  2. I realize I may just read your blog b/c you say “fuck” and I really think moms who curse are funny as shit. (See? I used “who” instead of “that” so it’s like one small step for that crybaby ass Engine.)

  3. The little mermaid who wanted to be an engine because she got sick of being a human but didn’t want to crawl home to her father after her divorce because he’d be all “I told you so“.

    True story: I actually knew this mermaid who turned into a human but then she realized she had to pay both federal AND state income taxes in addition to OSHA when she was working at her low-key barista job because Starbucks has a policy not to discriminate against mermaids due to their logo, and she really DID want to be an engine, but not a train engine, like a car engine, preferably a Lexus but she would totally go with a Honda if she could get away with it, and then she really DID have to crawl back to her father after her divorce because then her legs turned back into fins and it turns out it’s a pretty long crawl from Princeton to Ocean City, New Jersey (because you KNOW her sea castle is off the Jersey coast.)

    If you just read that comment and went, What the fuck??, that’s how I felt during the segue in your post between Guy Kawasaki and little engine prostitute syphilis.
    .-= Vicki´s last blog ..Russian LeTziyon =-.

  4. The Little Engine that delivered the toys and became a hero and then became a self-involved narcissist who began talking to the other peasant trains in the roundhouse about his adventure but did it all in third person like, “..and then know what Little engine did?..Little Engine tapped that hill’s ass, that’s what Little Engine did, yo” and was later beaten up by the passenger trains who were, frankly, sick of his bullshit.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Se coge nuestro país (Our Country is Fucked) =-.

  5. this post kinda made my morning. just had to tell you that. ‘The little engine named Luka that lived on the second floor’ in particular.
    ok, ‘The little engine that did and then found out if was overrated and then got disillusioned with life and stopped showering’ may have explained my state of being very well. and made me lol at myself. i love that!

  6. The little engine that thought he was gay because of an inexplicable attraction to Hugh Jackman.
    The little engine that realized achieving his dream was rather anti-climactic and left him empty inside.
    The little engine that should have had his brakes checked before climbing that stupid fucking hill.
    Sorry, yours were all better, but I wanted to play, too.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..If you’re easily offended, you should definitely read this. =-.

  7. I’ve always been the Big Engine that Does….woulda, coulda, shoulda…….not in my vocabulary. Making things happen is what I do….the good or the bad implications are debateable.

  8. I can’t believe you didn’t mention that Anthony Edwards is going to be there too! He was Goose in Top Gun! Well, I think his name was Goose. I’m not really a big fan of that movie, so I could be wrong. But when you see him, you can yell, “Goooooooose!” That would be awesome. Plus, he was on ER at the beginning when it was actually good. You should ask him if he still talks to George Clooney. Probably ask that before you yell “Goooooooose!” at him and confuse him.

    Reading your posts makes me very rambly.
    .-= -R-´s last blog ..Maternal Instincts =-.

  9. Of the people speaking in Vegas, you’re the only one I know. 🙂 I live in social media, obviously, not the real world. Also, bonus points for using the “douche canoe” thing.
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..Take A Little Trip =-.

  10. 1. Love the use of Douche Canoe…I might have a new favorite word.
    2. You’re making me feel like I’m not at all constructive enough with my sleeplessness.
    3. You were really high on ______? Because you should totally share.
    .-= Antoinette´s last blog ..Random Thoughts =-.

  11. I KNEW you’d find a way to use ‘douche canoe’ in a sentence. My favorite definition on Urban Dictionary…

    Douche Canoe: Any vehicle filled to capacity with a group of major douchebags. Usually a luxury SUV. Most often owned or purchased by the parents of one of the douche mcgouches inside. The group of individuals who pour out of the douche canoe can be affectionately referred to as a “shitstorm of douchebags.”
    .-= 30yoteen´s last blog ..What started it all… =-.

  12. The Little Engine that went to college and then was forced to pick a major before she was ready to and wound up with the wrong career and is now looking for the tracks that go AROUND the fucking hill because she’s got two Little Engines to support now along with her Engineer Husband and she’s about to just give up and slip back down the hill to work at the coal yard shuffling rocks for meager pay if it means she can get out of her accounting, I mean, hauling job.
    .-= Andrea´s last blog ..She Gets Me =-.

  13. The little engine that compulsively looked at Internet porn and gave my computer a virus.

    The little engine that said, “I think, therefore I can,” and then failed Philosophy because that’s PLAGIARISM.

    The little engine that kicks puppies when no one is watching.

    The little engine that could have saved the Jews if it hadn’t yielded to allow Hitler to cross the tracks.

    The little engine that always orders the most expensive meal on a first date, and consequently is obligated to give a thank-you handjob afterwards, which is usually cut short because the other party is too distracted by the rhythmic “chooga-chooga chooga-chooga” that accompanies said handjob.

  14. My big takeaway from this is that you got it right: the little engine that couldn’t care less. If one chooses to not phrase it as “doesn’t’ give a rat’s ass” then I really appreciate putting the grammatically correct “not” in there. Because usually people don’t so too many people walk around inadvertently wailing that they really care way too much about everything. Which actually, scanning the news headlines daily and looking at Rick Sanchez’s CNN topic o’the day, is probably true.
    .-= Julie Pippert´s last blog ..The American People in their Righteous Might* =-.

  15. With that little engine-turned mermaid…had that been me, I’d just walk (paddle, whatever) up to daddy all, we wouldn’t be having this conversation if you hadn’t fallen for a damn dolphin in the first place. So shut the hell up, hypocrite.

    Oh, and for the intimidation dilemma, just bring a light saber. Totally will diffuse any tension…or they’ll be super-sweet nice cause they think you’re crazy. Either way, you win.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..yea for randomness! Oh…and happy buff-tober. =-.

  16. OK, you really need to write “The little engine that did and then found out if was overrated and then got disillusioned with life and stopped showering.” That’s a really important message to send to kids. You’ll need an illustrator. Maybe Felicia Bond is available.
    .-= Steve´s last blog ..#86 Distance Over Time =-.

  17. I’m with Daddy Scratches on this one. I’m just gonna cut my loses and hand my readers over to you, redirect their RSS feeds and subscriptions…because seriously, anyone that can be this funny AND coin the phrase, “douche canoe” deserves all five of my readers. Oh and they’re good readers. Low mileage, no rust and I think a couple of them still have that “new reader smell.”
    .-= Audrey at Barking Mad´s last blog ..Lollygagging =-.

  18. The little engine that could do a great impression of Lou Ferigno, but always got pissed off at people when they asked him to because he had terrible performance anxiety.
    .-= Nena´s last blog ..Autumn Running! =-.

  19. The little engine that had uncontrollable urges to ram into tunnels repeatedly.

    Oh God. I’m going to be doing this all day. Make up “little engine” titles, that is. Not raming into tunnels. Though that would be a welcome respite, if I did that sort of thing, which I don’t because I don’t *have* an engine. Or the compulsion to ram tunnels with a pretend engine. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    So, yeah. The little engine that protested too much.
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..Paring =-.

  20. The little engine that preferred not to.

    The little engine that cried “Wee, wee, wee” all the way home.

    The little engine that got made obsolete by the little airplane.

    I must say, I really liked “The little engine and the half-blood prince.”
    .-= –V´s last blog ..This just tickled me =-.

  21. The little engine who is so appreciative of the bloggess recognizing who vs. that and the potential objectification of seemingly sentient beings.

    Love,
    The little grammatically anal engine

  22. Ok..so if Anthony Edwards is going to be there you totally need to dress up in a flight suit and just woke up and say “Talk to me Goose” and when he just looks at you all stupid like throw him off the stage like Maverick threw his dog tags off the ship..

    And yes I have an unhealthy obsession with short guys who proclaim their love while jumping on a couch.
    .-= Tina at Mad Hatter Mom´s last blog ..Is this Grey’s Anatomy or real life?? =-.

  23. “The Little Engine and the Half-Blood Prince”…BRILLIANT!!!!

    I can’t wait to call someone a douche canoe. I’m gonna start picking fights with people so I can say it. Then I’ll probably burst out laughing and they’ll think I’m crazier than they already think I am.

    ps…I miss reading about Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal. Ever since you’ve proved her existance she’s been MIA…was she an actress that you hired or something?

  24. Before you go, you should try to get some heroin. I hear that movie stars all love that stuff. But if you can’t find heroin, get some Nyquil. I think it’s roughly the same.

  25. The little engine that said “Opinions are like cabooses, every train has one.” Except that, these days, trains don’t *have* cabooses any longer. So this is really “the little engine that *lied out it’s ass*”. As if engines have asses.

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..If it walks like a duck… =-.

  26. Douche Canoe. Douche Caaa-nooo-e. Douch-ey Canoe-ey. Thank you for this, random person who needed advice. I totally kept going back to that, then I read your response. I’m glad we’re on the same wave length sometimes.

    Also, Vadar totally should talk about bad porn.

    Sometimes I like the amateur shit better, because staged porn with actors and all that can be so corny. Fuck the story line, just fuck already, okay? Also, if you have a small one… don’t even bother filming yourself. You’re just making an ass of yourself. Don’t be mad I pointed this out, I’m doing you a favor in the whole… not making an ass out of yourself, douche canoe.

    Oh, one more thing… women that totally look like they’re faking it in the porn videos or they’re overly acting? Just go kill yourself. All the money you made from making that horrible porn video will probably afford you the necessary drugs for a good suicide. So, good job.
    .-= Megan Erwin´s last blog ..Pandas. =-.

  27. The Little Engine that got really pissed that everyone forgot she was a girl engine and a symbol of al the women who picked up the slack in the forties while men were warring in Europe and then lost even more purpose after she was fired for not putting out some sweet engine tail for her male supervisor but was gonna get fired anyways when the soldiers came back.

  28. You will have no problem with your keynnote. just find a way to use “douche canoe” in your speech and you are set. or maybe just read your list of Little Engine sequels. or both. OR! OR! OR! your rant on GPS systems. That is priceless.

    Also, do not fret about the other speakers. That Kawasaki dude was an apple fellow. so just ask him about Johnny Appleseed. easy ice breaker. Chad Vader? mention what an awesome manager he is OR tell him how much you hate his brother and that he (Chad) seems to be a much more likeable fellow (but not an apple fellow).

    And with Kevin Pollock: man i am SO JEALOUS!!! i love him! he is not one bit scary. AND he does the MOST AWESOME impressions of famous people. if you want to be scared, ask him to do his Kevin Spacey impression, because you will SWEAR you are NOW speaking to Kevin Spacey instead of Kevin Pollock.

    Maybe he also impersonates Kevin Bacon (& you can tell him why you say “FUCK Kevin Bacon. but not in a bad way”) or any other famous Kevins. maybe Johnny had a brother named Kevin Appleseed. But i am pretty sure that Mr. Pollock does impressions of famous people who are NOT named Kevin as well.

    anyway, i wish you good sleeping and hope that you are no longer worried about this speech you must prepare. good night. (oh, wait. it is 1 p.m. here)

  29. :: HEAVY BREATHING ::

    I AM YOUR FAHZAH

    THERE IS NO FEAR

    :: HEAVY BREATHING ::

    BUT BE AFRAID. I HAVE NO FACE.

    :: HEAVY BREATHING ::

  30. The Little Engine that could have and probably should have but just wouldn’t due to his deep, crippling depression which, ironically, was caused by the constant mocking from his peers about how he never did.

  31. The Little Engine That Decided It Was Cool To Be Coliary And All Because That’s How Little Engine’s Roll.

    And English teacher once told me that using a word several times makes it YOUR word, so I’m taking that to heart . . . 😉
    .-= tysdaddy´s last blog ..Two Friends =-.

  32. I happen to know the people involved in Chad Vader. They are very nice, and it is entirely possible that you will scare the bejeezus out of them.

  33. You’re giving a speech with the guy who invented the motorcycle, Darth Vaders brother, and Cupid from The Santa Clause!?! Yeah, nothing could possibly go wrong there. I think I feel a trip to Vegas coming on. Similar to the flu, but with more drinking.

  34. The Little Engine that would have continued to perform unspeakable acts with my stuffed koala if I hadn’t discovered the hole ripped in the crotch and sewn it shut.

    The Little Engine that could, if it didn’t have erectile dysfunction.

    The Little Engine that could, if it wasn’t a quadriplegic.

    The Little Engine that is only little because it has bulemia as a result of its parents calling it fat throughout its childhood.

    The Little Engine that gets teased in the locker room and insists that it’s only little because it’s cold, and besides, its girlfriend says size doesn’t matter anyway, so STEP OFF.

    (My spidey senses tell me that you should write a book of nothing but Little Engine sequel ideas.)

  35. Kevin Pollack played Yani Gogolac (sp?) in The Whole Nine Yards, he was the head of the Hungarian mob in Chicago and he had a totally fucked up accent, so you can intimidate him by telling him not to act like “Wormen” or you’ll burn him up in an old Toyota. But then again, he also played the dad in ‘She’s All That’ where he always shouted out the answers to the Jeopardy questions and they were always wrong, so you could probably distract him by putting the Jeopardy app on your cell phone in case of an emergency. Then you could be The Little Engine *who* survived a meeting with Kevin Pollack using the word ‘wormen’ and a cell phone. Which would just up your awesomeness beyond snow cone machine in the bedroom status to “Worthy of a REAL conversation with Shantner” awesome, which means you’d totally be eligible to run for President of the United States in the next election. And anytime any of your opponents tried to question your qualifications or debate you all you’d have to say was that you’d talked to Shatner for real and you didn’t get hijacked by Kevin Pollack and you would totally WIN and then you could declare The Little Engine an enemy of the state due to his or her schizophrenic nature. Just a suggestion, you should also totally make Nancy W Kappes (paralegal) vice president cause that would be like the most fucked up awesome America EVER and no one would defect to Canada.
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..Blame Shifting, Cough Syrup and Schmuley =-.

  36. The Little Engine that was too hard up to buy cigarettes so he took the butts from an ashtray In front of the Rite-Aid.

  37. Omg thats so funny , I love the video. You should totally do the bad porn as the keynote and even if they don’t get back to you and tell you what the keynote is you should just get up and do it anyway or start on their keynote and then ver into bad pornos.

    For a good laugh visit my blog to see how people really get the swine flue!
    http://sfljournal.blogspot.com/
    .-= miss pink´s last blog ..I know how you really got the swine flue ! =-.

  38. I actually just noticed I had a grammar catastrophe in my first comment. Can you fix those? I’d love it if you could just edit my stupidity. That’d be awesome. Thanks.

    What I MEANT TO SAY was “If you had not FALLEN” scratch the “fell”

    You know, you need to put that green grammar spell checker thing on here…even though it doesn’t really work, anyway….
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..yea for randomness! Oh…and happy buff-tober. =-.

  39. The little engine that started getting all freaked out and self conscious because he realized that besides Thomas and his friends he was the only train that had a face and was supposed to resemble a person so he started seeking therapy and then realized, “hell yeah, HE COULD”.
    .-= becca´s last blog ..Dreaming of prison =-.

  40. Wow you have so drank way to much of your own bath water….
    And in last 24 hours I HAVE BEEN CALLED A DOUCH CANOE BY FRIENDS!!
    Nice……

  41. The Little Engine that could (and did) but told everyone he didn’t because he didn’t want to get a bad reputation.

    The Little Engine that didn’t but told everyone he did and then wrote it in his memoir but got caught lying and had to go on Oprah to apologize to everyone.

    The Little Engine who drank too much and now doesn’t remember whether he did or didn’t.

    I had to play too! You are way more productive when you aren’t sleeping then I am. Seriously, I just lay there and try to go back to sleep. And good luck with your keynote. I want to be you when I grow up.

    ♥Spot
    .-= Spot´s last blog ..Why does your drunken ex-boyfriend still call me mom? =-.

  42. I realize this is totally off-topic, but, does your blog have to be so PINK? so ELECTRIC FUSCHIA, as it were? Also, do you realize my browser spellchecker thinks FUSCHIA should be spelled FUCHSIA? I only wish I was making that part up. Anyway, here’s the thing: I need to read your blog when I’m at work due to reasons too numerous to enumerate in this space. And it is VERY hard to pull it off like it’s something work-related, except by minimizing the window to show only a tiny corner, which is just as suspicious (though less obvious) than a normal-sized window limned in ELECTRIC FUSCHIA. However I really do love the color, so I guess what I’m trying to say is … what? Oh right!

    If you haven’t scared Guy Kawasaki too much and you do get to speak at Blogworld, will you tell Vader I think guys in dresses are totally hot? Because I totally do.

    Also I have come to doubt the very fabric of reality out of which fuschia is spelled. This hurts my head. Spelling is one of my best features, next to boobs.
    .-= dotlizard´s last blog ..Who ARE These People, cont’d. =-.

  43. The little engine who joined a gang because his dad left when he was young and he had no male role model.
    As for Blog World you will rock their Casbah with your fresh look at the world well I don’t know about fresh as much as it is warped and really out there.
    .-= habanerogal´s last blog ..It’s been a month now =-.

  44. The little engine that could… make a living standing on the onramp with an empty gas can and a sign saying “homeless”

  45. I want a dime bag of what ever you’re smoking, girl…you aint right! But I think we may be related 😉

  46. They’re asking for keys of note. Like a speech about the key that Catherine the Great had for her chastity belt. Actually keys include all notes so fuck the notes, just talk about keys. Like the ones in Florida. They want you to talk about Florida. Just print out the Wikipedia article about Florida and say fuck every few words. Then you’ll *sound* like you’re from Florida too!
    .-= Reverend Louis Wrenchlock IV´s last blog ..Parakeet Enorme =-.

  47. Since I’m a teacher, I’d go with “The Little Engine that Could Have Done Better.” I’d have a TON of lessons I could use with that book!

  48. The Little Engine that Could… AND Blogged about it!

    Are you seriously nervous about your appearance with those people? Kevin Pollack does not even have a f*cking blog! Their fans are not as crazy and funny and witty and grateful as yours! And your fans do not go out and attack other people just because they are not your fans! (Wait, you may want to change that. I don’t know. It’s your call I guess…)

    p.s. I need you to tell me where “The little engine that didn’t care for Asians” is, so I can send “The little engine aka Guy Kawasaki” to kick his ass. 😉
    .-= submom´s last blog ..“How to Care for Introverts” =-.

  49. Wow… so there are some posts where I read them and I’m all “This chick and I are so alike, its like we are soulmates”. and then there are posts like todays where Im all “whaaaa? and huuuuhhh?” because lets face it, ariel isn’t making it out of that marriage alive.

  50. Okay – call Nancy if you need bail or a restaurant recommendation, but call ME if you want to visit the secret pet cemetery or become part of the city’s frozen custard debacle.

    (And bring Nancy! And if Nancy’s coming, then we may as well have a meetup of all your Vegas fans!)
    .-= Shari´s last blog ..Mazatlan: Earth and Diamonds =-.

  51. The little engine that finally looked in the mirror and realized he’s black and then wished that Megan Fox would contract jungle fever so she’d ride his caboose……or something like that.
    .-= dubiousMa´s last blog ..Holy Embryos Batman! =-.

  52. Do you want to know what really pisses me off? My internet is all “I’m gonna break, while you are trying to watch a movie about Chad Vader breaking his internet.” Isn’t that Ironic? Don’tcha think? So I can’t finish watching the video. I don’t even know who fixes it for him. I’m guessing that it’s you Jenny. You probably sent a little engine full of handy pornographic clown midgets that dry hump the computer screen and give it that extra boost. Dageffin’nammit and I missed it.
    .-= AmyBloob´s last blog ..It’s true, kids give you grey hair =-.

  53. Oh holy shit. I think I peed. Just a bit.

    Vader scared me. But not as much as the fact that Guy Kawasaki seemed to be on some sort of looping mechanism that made me feel as though we were living the same moment over and over and over again.

    Then again, I could be drunk. This is a very real possibility. It’s also possible that I am currently drunk blogging which is never a good idea and has gotten me into trouble in the past.

    Of course, is it really drunk “blogging” if I’m only commenting? I mean, drunk commenting is only visible to a small portion of the blogosphere, right? So, theoretically (dude, that took me 4 tries to type. I AM getting fucked up) this is only reaching a percentage of the blog world.

    Then again, this is the Bloggess, and holy shit. Ignore the above. I guess I could erase it, but that would mean erasing and I am too tired. Too tired.

    dude.
    .-= tracey´s last blog ..Send chocolate and wine. ASAP. =-.

  54. the little engine that did, but since it wasn’t documented properly, it does not count.

    btw I have just started reading your blog(s) and am terrified, amazed and ALWAYS amused. Amazed that you think and write these things and terrified because some of them come straight out of my head.

  55. Ha ha.

    These were just too priceless not to praise. So original. So entertaining. Thank you for making my evening! If I had half your creativity, I’m fairly sure I could manage to do something really, truly awesome and note-worthy. Instead of staring at the comment field thinking “what should I write my first time?” Oh, the metaphors that come to mind with that last bit…
    .-= Rachel Gattuso´s last blog ..Balance part 1: Work/Rest =-.

  56. Wow, I had to stop reading because I was laughing so hard a few times. One of your best posts ever.

    Except for the Asian line. That just clunked really, really bad. I think you should take it out. It’s just mean and unfunny and bigoted.

  57. The little engine that will get around to it eventually if you would only stop nagging, just like his mother. Bitch.

  58. Good lord, you’re funny. I don’t even have anything to say except that. I just found your blog and am now addicted.

    Like I needed another addiction.
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Can You Click? =-.

  59. Have no fear; Kevin Pollack is a total pussycat, except when he’s doing his Christopher Walken impression, during which he’s just as batshit crazy and on the edge of shivving you in the eye as the real Walken is. Keep him on Columbo and Kirk and everything will be hunky-dory.

    And because I can’t stop myself…The Little Engine That Could and then was a total shit about it to his friend Thomas, who couldn’t.
    .-= pjwaldron´s last blog ..Uriah Q. Muttonchop on Advancements & Breakthroughs in the Great Scientific Endeavor =-.

  60. That little engine needs some fucking therapy. Or a trip to Vegas. Maybe you should take the little engine to Vegas with you in your suitcase. I wonder how little it really is. You might need to borrow the canoe suitcase.
    .-= califmom´s last blog ..It’s Not Even A Real Sport =-.

  61. The little engine who is going to lose her job because she just peed her pants and shot up snot bubbles during a conference meeting because she was covertly reading this blog. Hey thanks.

  62. The little engine that was one of the original “friends” from Thomas and Friends, until some douche canoe agent named Marty decided he didn’t quite fit in with Thomas’s entourage, so they hired some other dickweed and now Little Eng and Pete Best (the original drummer for the Beatles, before Ringo) sit around getting drunk ranting about how they got fucked by agents named Marty.

  63. The Little Engine That Couldn’t Stop Laughing At The Word Douche Canoe And It Caused Him To Derail, Killing Everyone On board.

  64. The Little Engine tat was one of the original “Friends of ” Thomas and Friends , until some douche canoe agent named Marty decided he didn’t fit the image of Thomas’s entourage, and hired some other dickweed. Now Little Eng and Pete Best (the original drummer for the Beatles, before Ringo) sit around getting drunk ranting about how they got fucked by agents named Marty.

  65. “I Didn’t Pull the Train: How A Fear of Gang Banging and Lunatic Clowns Ruined My Railroad Career,” by The Shiny New Engine

    Love your blog. Must get over my fear of saying “Fuck” on mine, as I say it frequently in my verbal life.
    .-= Julie´s last blog ..Laura Ingalls Wilder is my Homegirl =-.

  66. The little engine that got turned into a SNL skit and is now filing a lawsuit because he doesn’t “get” satirical humor.

    The little engine that could have if only he’d taking that course on “Time management” when he was supposed to instead of putting it off, and now he’s stuck doing nothing because he missed the boat.

    The little engine who is tired of his neighbors watching him all the time while he’s trying to.

    The little engine who just doesn’t give a damn anymore, and is now more interested in scoring some prescription drugs.

    The little engine that told his wife he did, but he really didn’t, and no he’s trying to get his buddies to cover for him. But he didn’t know that one of his buddies is DOING his wife, so no wonder!
    .-= Leah´s last blog ..Woman with DS swims Boston Harbor =-.

  67. First, what a random fucking group of speakers. Jermaine Dupri ? And Anthony Edwards…who to my knowledge hasn’t done anything in since Revenge of the Nerds. Not that I don’t love me some revenge of the nerds…but is he relevant ?

    Ahem

    Second…. the little engine that could…after he watched bad porn.

    P.S. Do you think there is any train porn…?
    .-= WM´s last blog ..Celebrating my favorite breast cancer survivor =-.

  68. It is so freaking badass that you are in rollers between Jermaine Dupri and Anthony Edwards on that sight…Those guys are so fucked now…You are going to blow them out of the water! 🙂

  69. The little engine that got a boob job, gave a hand job, did a rim job, a blow job, took one in the caboose, and all of it was videotaped as truly fucking bad porn which lead to the bestseller expose:
    “Could Engines Be On The Wrong Track In America?”

  70. Here’s the antidote to the little engine of can’t. The warhawk of why the hell not. I slapped this up on my site a few days ago and it seems to fit well here. It’s also a shameless plug for my site, but I posted the link to my page and the link to youtube, so you and your readers can decide which site to visit. Please tell me if posting my site makes me a fuckstick?! I’m new to this blogging stuff.

    (me) http://www.brokendownlife.com/?p=102

    (youtube) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obdd31Q9PqA

  71. The little engine that was cut down in its prime by Kevin Pollack. Nah, that’s just silly, I must be sleep deprived snarky…I really think it was the death grip of Vader…
    .-= Earth_Mommy´s last blog ..Baby Feet =-.

  72. The little engine that’s wondering why all of his embarrassing alter egos are lined up on the ass end of the Guy Kawasaki-Chad Vader-Kevin Pollak train for everybody to see and after he figured out it was The Bloggess who was behind it he decided to become a super fast car that drove like a bullet to Vegas and waited patiently outside the Convention Center and if you’ve watched enough Law and Order in your lifetime you know how badly this ended for both The Bloggess and the little engine.

  73. The Little Engine That Wondered How Many Zoloft Her Dog Could Eat And Not Die. And Then Thought, I Probably Should Be Calling The Vet Instead Of Reading Blogs. But Then She Got Distracted And Ended Up Falling Asleep. But Its Totally Okay. Because The Dog Just Woke Up. And Seems Fine. Maybe Even A Little Happier.

    By Jill “I Don’t Let My Dog Eat Anti-Depressants, Just The Occasional Xanax” Pilgrim
    .-= Jill Pilgrim´s last blog ..And then my head exploded =-.

  74. I found your blog through some sort of on-line discussion about how you called Dooce a hobbit or some such (and to that I say thank you, because, yes).

    LOVE your blog! Great voice, great writing, great sense of humor. I’ll be back! (right now I have to go remove the power cord to the computer from the mouth of my seven-month-old).
    .-= Sandy´s last blog ..Oscar at Sea Part II: Caribbean Dreamin’ =-.

  75. Maybe it’s because I’m in Self/Society Analytical Bad Moon, but I adore the sequels. I want you to write more. Please. I want to print off that list and frame it as a poem.

  76. Douche Canoe. My computer is now covered in snorted liquid, thankyouverymuch.

    The little engine that couldn’t give a shit if he tried because he had a 40-pound colon and no amount of exlax was unplugging that puppy.
    .-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Open Letter 12 =-.

  77. So I’ve definitely started using “The little engine that…” in every day conversation. I was at the grocery store with my fiance the other day, and he’s one of those people who will talk to anyone and everyone. Usually I don’t mind, but that day I was SO not in the mood, especially since he was chatting it up with another couple who I’m pretty sure could have been us if we worked out every day and gave a shit about how we look when we go out in public. Anyway, after a couple of minutes of their jibber jabber, I walked around the corner while they were talking because cereal was far more important to me than anything else at that moment in time. When he finally realized I was gone, he came around the corner and was all, “Why did you walk off like that?” And I was like, “Uh, because you’re like the little engine that doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up.”
    So in conclusion, thank you, for inspiring my new catch phrase.

  78. “The little engine that accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior but then found out that engines don’t have souls and he hoped there was at least an engine purgatory, but no. There wasn’t.”

    I’m totally whipping this one out to comfort myself the next time the homeschooling fundies are mean to me on the Internet. I’ll be all, “Your stupid engine are going to hell, fuckers, and by the way, Jesus says he’d love you more if you’d pluck that fucking unibrow.”
    .-= Smrt Mama´s last blog ..Impromptu Poetry from Captain Science =-.

  79. The little engine that resented being called that because he thought it was racially insensitive and he started a big protest group then someone explained to that it was “engine” and not “Injun” and then he was all “Oh. I’ve wasted my life“.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH ( breathe) AHAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA (breathe) HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHH!

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