That’s weird, right? I probably won’t have to talk since I’m the token unknown chick in the equation but either way it will be interesting/horrific. Except no one told me what our keynote is supposed to be about and I just said yes without even asking because I’m unprofessional that way. So I sent Guy this email:
So what’s our keynote about anyway? Not that it matters since I’ll just probably just babble incomprehensibly anyway. If we don’t already have one I suggest “Bad Porn: Why is there so much of it?” Both because it’s an awesome topic and also because you and Vader have probably never discussed that in a keynote so it’ll be like a whole new frontier. Just throwing it out there.
Also, Kevin Pollak scares me the shit out of me. I’m pretty sure he’s in the mafia. Or he played someone in the mafia. Regardless, I’m totally intimidated by him. Am I not supposed to make eye contact with him? I don’t know all the rules of dealing with movie stars. Can I just sit next to Vader instead?
Hugs ~ me
PS. I’m a bit intimidated by Vader too but he’s less complicated since he doesn’t actually have eyes to make contact with. Plus, I can just tell myself that it could be anyone under that vader suit. Hell, it could be Kevin Pollak under there.
Fuck. Now I’m scared of Vader too.
I haven’t heard back from him yet but that’s probably because he’s trying to pitch the porn idea as his own because it’s so awesome. Or he’s convincing the BlogWorld organizers that he made a terrible mistake in recommending me. Which he totally has.
Speaking of this-has-nothing-to-do-with-anything, you know what I did last night when I couldn’t sleep? I came up with 28 ideas for sequels to The Little Engine that Could and this morning I’m looking at them thinking, “How high was I?” and the answer is “Pretty high” because I don’t even remember writing some of these. I should probably delete them all but I’m going to stick them all at the bottom of this post as an example of why I shouldn’t really be allowed to speak to anyone, ever.
Alternate versions of The Little Engine that Could:
The little engine that should have.
The little engine that couldn’t care less.
The little engine that did and then found out it was overrated and then got disillusioned with life and stopped showering.
The little engine that did it with a prostitute and got syphilis.
The little engine that tried to do it but couldn’t and then later he found out that when he was born they weren’t sure if he was a train or a tractor so the doctor just made him into a train because that was easier but turns out? Totally a tractor.
The little engine that needs to stop being such a douche canoe.
The little engine that tried but failed because sometimes life isn’t fair.
The little engine that died from overexertion and later his parents were all “WHY? Why didn’t he just wait for a bigger train?” And no one had an answer.
The little engine that resented being called that because he thought it was racially insensitive and he started a big protest group then someone explained to that it was “engine” and not “Injun” and then he was all “Oh. I’ve wasted my life“.
The little engine that refused to unload his cargo because he was a hoarder.
The little engine that we all made fun of in school and later he got cancer and now we all feel bad.
The little engine that could do better.
The little engine that isn’t even applying herself.
The little engine that is just asking for a smack in the mouth if engines had mouths.
The little engine that refused to let men into his caboose because his father made him homophobic.
The little engine that could if he wanted to but he “just doesn’t feel like it right now”.
The little engine that accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior but then found out that engines don’t have souls and he hoped there was at least an engine purgatory, but no. There wasn’t.
The little engine that would have if he knew it was even an option.
The little engine that didn’t care for Asians.
The little engine that pretended he did it so much that he actually started to believe he actually had done it even though he never had.
The little engine that bullied you in third grade.
The little engine that’s way too concerned about Obama’s birth certificate.
The little engine that doesn’t have time to talk to you right now.
The little engine that can’t take a hint.
The little engine named Luka that lived on the second floor.
The little engine that was offended that he kept being referred to as “that” and would prefer “The little engine *who* would appreciate it if you’d use less hurtful words”
The little engine that could, but didn’t. So maybe he couldn’t. I mean, we don’t really know if he could unless he tried and succeeded. Never mind. The little engine who might’ve if he wasn’t such a damn baby.
The little mermaid who wanted to be an engine because she got sick of being a human but didn’t want to crawl home to her father after her divorce because he’d be all “I told you so“.
The little engine and the half-blood prince.
The little engine that ate my sandwich. You. mother. fucker.
Comment of the day: You’re giving a speech with the guy who invented the motorcycle, Darth Vaders brother, and Cupid from The Santa Clause!? Yeah, nothing could possibly go wrong there. I think I feel a trip to Vegas coming on. Similar to the flu, but with more drinking. ~ The Original Lisa