Twitter will molest you.

Conversation between me and twitter, who is kind of an asshole:

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And that’s the reason why I don’t like twitter.  Because it’s judgemental and it never goes away.  It’s like your junior high boyfriend when you’re all “You hang up the phone first” and he’s all “No, you hang up” and you’re like “No, you hang up” and he probably thinks he’s being all romantic by not hanging up but you really want him to hang up because you have to pee and you don’t want him to hear you peeing.  And that’s basically what twitter is all about.  This is like a tutorial for people who are new to twitter.  You should send new twitterers here so they won’t be all freaked out when twitter starts molesting them because if you’re not expecting it it can be very confusing.  Like getting your first period.  Basically this is the “Are You There God?  It’s me, Margaret” of the twitter world.

PS.  If people try to tell you that twitter doesn’t occasionally talk to you they are lying to you.  Or perhaps they just aren’t observant enough.  Or drunk enough.  I don’t know.  I’m not here to judge those people.  I’m here to help you. You’re welcome.

Comment of the day: Thanks for the mention, poodle-muffin. What are you doing? ~ Twitter

156 thoughts on “Twitter will molest you.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Wow, twitter sounds bitter. I was similarly stalked by a hotmail account that kept calling itself a “hot male” and winking. Very creepy. I feel your pain.
    .-= Makya´s last blog ..A Starr is Born =-.

  2. Damnit, now my side hurts from the laughter. You remain the funniest woman I know (well, sorta know. I guess I don’t REALLY know you, and certainly not in the biblical sense, since you’re married, I’m married and that would be so very wrong on so many levels, but damn, you’re good, and and perhaps I’ll just stop now and resume my afternoon).
    .-= David´s last blog ..I get by with a little help from my friends (with tentacles) =-.

  3. Apparently, I don’t use twitter enough because it has never called me poodle-muffin. Wait, no one has ever called me poodle-muffin. That’s probably a good thing.
    .-= C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..100 =-.

  4. I think you should probably lay off of Nancy W. Kappes’ trail mix for a little while. Clearly your other medication is not counteracting the paranoia side effects of the trail mix. Good luck.

    What are you doing?
    .-= a´s last blog ..Working out =-.

  5. When I first started using facebook, it still had that thing where the update box started with “Jacquie is…”, so I’d feel compelled to finish the sentence referring to myself in the 3rd person. And then I didn’t notice when it changed so I’d still be updating with lines like: “Contemplating the impact of global warming on her automatic ice cube dispenser”, and then my so-called friends started to inexplicably drop off of my list. I just checked to see what the update box asks right now, and it says “What’s on your mind?” But I think it already knows.
    .-= Jacquie´s last blog ..pumpkin patch, cali style =-.

  6. Reminds me of that web site with a red button and says don’t click on the red button. But you click and click and click even though it tells you not to and the button starts to harass you and before you know it you’ve wasted 15 minutes when you should be working. Not that I’ve ever done that. Twice.
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Hump Day Humor: Giant Bat =-.

  7. You know, I think you should give twitter some credit, S/He is just asking you what your doing, It’s interested in your life, it wants to know, it has taken a genuine liking to you (as evidenced by the massage offer.) If anything, I think you should be flattered. I would love someone to be that persistent in expressing interest in my mundane activities. I think you should apologize to Twitter, and maybe take it out for a nice dinner. Because that is the proper way to apologize a person.

    Twitter likes Italian…. Just putting that out there.

  8. Twitter’s insistence on being informed of all the details of your daily life is kind of like that friend who just got a cellphone so she calls you all the time to ask you what you’re doing just because her life is totally boring, and you don’t have time to talk to her, but you were brought up to use proper etiquettte, so you always have to ask her what she’s doing, which is nothing, and she really just called so you’ll entertain her, and if you say you have to go because you’re busy, she acts all hurt like she’s not important enough for you to talk to, so then you feel guilty and talk to her for way too long because you’re sure that if you don’t, she’ll just call again later with the same question.

    Yeah, twitter is just like that. What an asshole.
    .-= Barbara´s last blog ..How to Get Fewer Followers on Twitter and Why This is a Good Thing =-.

  9. People whose Twitter doesn’t fuck with them obviously get too much sleep. If I get more than four hours a night for three nights in a row, my Twitter is very, very stoic and refuses to engage me in the witty repartee to which I’ve become so accustomed.

    Twitter is very passive-aggressive. And it’s all, “Haha, Jett, I’d like to see you *try* and gouge out my important bits, you silly bitch.”

  10. OMG I saw none of this on Twitter, did you block me???? Am I the clown you murdered? Am I the wheat that originated the poodle-muffin? What have you dooooooneeeeeee?????

  11. This is EVEN FUNNIER to me because I 1) just joined Twitter and 2) blamed you for it. (I even @’ed you and stuff.)
    Yeah…my sense of humor is obviously warped.

  12. I’m pretty sure I can hear Twitter peeing. *While* it’s telling me I’m a horrible mom for giving my kids the H1N1 vaccination AND a horrible mom for NOT giving my kids the H1N1 vaccination AND that it has H1N1. But it’s still less confusing than some real-life conversations.
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..Very Small Rocks =-.

  13. Ah! I gets called cutesy names by Twitter also. Although, instead of calling me “poodle muffin”, Twitter tends to call me “Mr. Dumpasaurus”.
    Wait. That may not be cutesy. Also, instead of “Twitter”, I may mean “fiance”.
    .-= Monkey Kurt´s last blog ..Bon Jovi Surprise =-.

  14. Huh, between the Judy Blume reference and the revelation that Twitter might be a woman, I can’t get the sentence “Twitter bleeds once a month from its vagina” out of my head.

    Eep.

  15. For all I know, it *is* saying all sorts of weird things on the prompt but I’ve gotten so used to it that I just filter it out. But then I’m a guy. We’re good at that.

    …What were you saying again?
    .-= Steve´s last blog ..#94 Fryed =-.

  16. I joined Twitter this morning because of all those posts of yours I keep missing & just as sign up to follow you I get linked back to your Blog au Awesomeness! It’s like one of those ‘when the moon is in the 7th house and Jenny aligns blogs with Twitter’ scenarios.
    .-= Leesh´s last blog ..My brain is TOTALLY named Brian =-.

  17. Ok. Story time…

    Definitely on par with that whole dude, you really need to hang the fuck up. No. It’s not cute that I said fuck in a high pitched voice. It’s because I just had to squeez my labia shut with a set of crampons…

    Why is the relavent? Well, (this is the story part) I was once on the phone with my husband while he was driving somewhere for work and wherever it was, was a long ass way away from wherever he started…so I ended up on the phone for fucking ever. And fucking ever is a long, long time to hold your pee…so finally I just marched myself to the bathroom and did my thing while he was going on about…traffic, probably.

    He stops talking all of a sudden all, “are you peeing?!?”
    And thanks to modern technology, he’s got one of the cars where the phone comes through the speakers…freakish, I know.

    Anyway, I was like, “Ummm. Yes?”

    Then he’s all, “Uhhh….Joey’s in the car….too.”

    THE. FUCK.

    What the hell happened to speaker phone etiquette?
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..being a bitch is way better than being prom queen. =-.

  18. Very funny! Until twitter comes. . . in the dark. . . in the night. . . when no one’s around to hear you scream. . . (Wait. Did you hear that?)

  19. It’s HAL, only so much, much more.
    You are such a great writer. Thanks for making my day, my week….

  20. You are freaking hilarious. And I don’t care that I’m the 87th person to tell you that, just today. You deserve every damned accolade you get. Even if you won’t tell us what you’re actually doing. What *are* you doing?
    .-= Naptimewriting´s last blog ..I’m sorry….what? =-.

  21. THIS is exactly why I never use Twitter! I have had bad experiences with crazy women in my life…but srsly, you always rock it, Jenny. Thanks for the giggles.

  22. If I witnessed you murdering a clown, I would say something more along the lines of “Yes! Let me help you with that knife/gun/bow and arrow/scythe” because clowns are just so fucking scary. Kind of like twitter when she gets flirty, which usually only happens to me after I give her a few drinks (she likes girlie ones with umbrellas, BTW. Just in case you wanted to get her drunk later or something, I don’t judge).
    .-= superblondgirl´s last blog ..Back on the internet again =-.

  23. I am probably the biggest loser of twitter. I have maybe 50 followers. A handful of them aren’t real people and the others never respond to my tweets. So…Twitter doesn’t harass me or molest me…I sometimes harass Twitter–trying to get a rise out of him (mine’s a him) so that maybe he WILL molest me.
    .-= Martie´s last blog ..Wine, Rain, Trash And A Tiny Headache… =-.

  24. i knew it! this is just like the time i found out this other person was tweeting my tweets. because i got so mad at twitter that he didn’t immediately zap them off the face of the earth because that’s just mean. so i thought about canceling twitter and never going back but then i didn’t because then who would i tell that my nose is stuffy, right? so i went to the help section and i asked twitter to help me and twitter didn’t do ANYthing. and that whore (or robot whore) is still there. WITH MY PERSONAL DRIVEL! all over her whorey page.

    apparently twitter was involved in a mind game with you. and couldn’t help me. and my nose is stuffy. the end.
    .-= mylittlebecky´s last blog ..open mouth, insert ballz =-.

  25. The *Twitter* comment some where up there, now I know you TheBloggess are just Fucking with us…. I say us because if I said ME that would sound insanely egotisical…and there is no way your twitter wanted anything to do with mine. I may have to rethink my relationship with you though??
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..It Is Sunday @ 5:00 PM =-.

  26. Please tell me that you’ve heard of (and subsequently had long conversations with) cleverbot.

    Because cleverbot needs to know about this poodle-muffin business. I’m just sayin’.

  27. I find Twitter isn’t quite as bad as my Facebook account. Today I had, among other appalling things, a person from my past tagged in a photo posted by a complete stranger. The photo was of a Renaissance Fair, and the most disturbing, has-to-be-a-child-molestery person in the picture? That would be the guy I slept with. We’re only facebook friends so I have an easy list of people to contact just in case it ever turns up I have VD.

  28. This is almost as bad as that creep Facebook that always wants to know “what’s on my mind” or asking me to update my status. DO NOT let facebook and twitter hang out together. Next they’ll buy a “vintage” camero and grow mustaches!
    .-= Chas Underwood III´s last blog ..#67 – Honorary Degrees =-.

  29. Ha! I KNEW there was a good reason that I don’t tweet or twit or twat or whatever it is. I have enough stalker(s) thank you very much. Ok, I guess my husband isn’t a stalker, but he’s around me all the time. Asking me how I am, what are you doing, blah blah blah, so that could technically be stalking. Or at least stalker-ish. Right?

  30. I tried to talk to Twitter but I got blocked. Then there was the restraining order. Twitter moved to another state.

  31. I met Twitter about a month ago and now I feel like i’m in one of those obsessive relationships that never lead to anything good.

    Remember that part of Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret when she stalked the tall, pretty girl all the way into church? And then the girl called her a filthy little pig…that was funny.
    .-= Erika from The Pastry Chef At Home´s last blog ..Creamy Pumpkin Mousse with Maple Caramelized Pepitas =-.

  32. i dont understand you alyssa not wanting me in your mafia and adding cindy , not right , i guess you feel im nobody , ok i get it im a guy right , from steven , you use to say hi

  33. omg THAT’S AWESOME. Psychotic episode on Twitter! As a psychology major (who is high on vicoden that I got legitimately) I would like to thank you for the laugh, and I hope that I find this as awesome later today when the drugs wear off as I do now. 😀

  34. Brilliant! I’m jolly jealous. I shall tweet this immediately. It’s not often one finds a blog of such high quality. I’ll be back. Thank you. Best regards, P. 🙂

  35. You make it hard to nurse my resentment towards you when you are so good at what you do.

    Then again, it’s because you are so good that I resent you.

    @serenebabe is me and I’m not yet willing to chill the fuck out and follow you. 🙂
    .-= Heather Denkmire´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday #4 =-.

  36. I’m not exactly sure where this transmission is going … in the time machine now. I just finished it this afternoon out of stuff I picked up at Radio Shack years ago. I hope this works. Anyway, just going to go back a few minutes this first time to test it … wish me luck. Oh, tell my family I love them.
    .-= Canucklehead´s last blog ..Motorious Update =-.

  37. Thanks for that poodle-muffin, made me laugh. I’s so good, I’m going to tweet this link on twitter!!!
    That’s what I’M doing!!!

    PS: If Twitter was Joey from Friends, do you think it would keep asking “How you doing?” 😉

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