Dear Mr. King of Germany:
It has been brought to my attention that your daughter is either impersonating me or mocking me in her royal portrait. Exhibit A:
I’ve been rockin’ this look for years so I can only assume this is an act of aggression on her part. That’s why this morning I declared war on Germany. I try not to judge people for their parenting skills but I can’t help but think this is kind of your fault for not reigning your daughter in (Get it? “Reigning”? Because you’re a king? I kill me.) but lucky for you, I am a kind and merciful person and I have not called for an assassination attempt. Mostly because my minions can’t even manage to kidnap Tim Gunn properly. And also because I’m a pacifist. Sort of. Although I do believe in stabbing people if necessary. Like when my husband gives me that look. You know the one. The one that implies I did something questionable. Then he’s getting stabbed in the leg. But no one else has to. This is totally going to be a bloodless coup, probably. Unless you count nose bleeds, which I don’t. I can’t control nosebleeds. I’m not, like, telekinetic. If you get a nosebleed it’s probably because you need a humidifier, not because of me. I’m just a normal Texas girl who may or may not have threatened to dethrone your daughter. I guess it depends if threatening to dethrone a princess is legal. If it isn’t then I never said that. But it’s still going to happen anyway because I assume if I take down the German princess I get to take her place as the new princess and that would be totally kick-ass. Plus, I’m half-Czech so I’m kind of bringing together the world by joining your royal family. So basically I’m solving complicated diplomatic foreign policy situations AND I’M NOT EVEN TRYING. Does your current princess do that? No. She just steals my hair-roller idea. Which I own. (Patent-pending.) Anyway, I’m not sure how we need to do this. Perhaps some sort of cage match, or maybe I steal her shoe, or her husband? I don’t know how this Princess shit works. Please send me directions. In English, please. I don’t speak Dutch. Also, I apologize for saying “shit” to a king but you should probably get used to it because when I replace your daughter I’ll most likely say fucked-up stuff all the time. It’s kind of what I do.
Jenny, the bloggess & future Princess of Germany (and also probably Switzerland by the time this is all over)
PS. Please don’t be alarmed. I’m very diplomatic and open to suggestions if you have them. If you want to just make me an honorary Princess that would be cool. Or we could throw the current princess in jail and make her wear an iron mask so no one would know who she is. Except no one in jail wears an iron mask so it’s going to be conspicuous. I don’t know if you’ve been in jail recently but there aren’t a lot of masks around. They frown on that sort of thing. Especially iron ones because you can use the metal to make a shiv. Don’t ask me how I know this. Also, I’m assuming there isn’t a rule in Germany about not being allowed to be a Princess if you’ve ever been in jail. If there is we need to fix that shit before I get over there. And also I really like Houston so I’m going to have to telecommute. Please get me a laptop and a German interpreter.
PPS. I’m going to Japan in a couple of days so please get back to me in the next few hours or I might be tempted to do something drastic when we fly over Germany. Like maybe I’ll flush the airplane toilet a whole lot right over Germany. Or maybe I’ll moon you. Depends on if I have a window seat.
PPPS. My husband just told me that we don’t fly over Germany on the way to Japan because Germany is in a different direction. Clever move, Germany. You win this round.
PPPPS. I’m really serious here. I want to be a princess. Please send over some sort of royal decree and a dozen white horses. And a coach. And some glass slippers. But they need to be flats because I have arthritis. And also I need arch support. Plus, how are the slippers supposed to bend when I walk if they’re glass? Fuck that. Just send me some clear jellies. Do they make jellies in Germany? Is there a word for “jellies” in German? This is exactly why I need a German interpreter. Arg. These. These are what I need:
PPPPPS. My husband just told me that you don’t speak Dutch in Germany and that “Deutsch” is just German for German. That is so fucking confusing. This is the first thing I’m going to fix as Princess. None of that “Deutsch” crap. My second decree will be “free beer for everyone”. I’m going to be the most beloved dictator ever.
PPPPPPS. Did I say “dictator”? I meant “Princess”. The dictator thing comes later. That’s part of my 5 year plan.
PPPPPPPS. Am I supposed to call you “daddy” when I get Princessed? Because that seems awkward. Can I just call you “sir”? You don’t have to answer that now. We can work out all the details after your daughter is in jail. Then? Party time! For us, I mean. Not for her. Prison is no party. Trust me on that one.
UPDATED: Kick-ass Hitler video by Telling Dad, who I’m totally going to knight just as soon as this princess thing comes through: