Remember when every Sunday I would a weekly wrap-up of shit I was doing when I wasn’t here and then suddenly I stopped doing it because I kept forgetting when Sunday was? Well, today I’m rectifying that, even though technically this is Monday. Just pretend it’s still Sunday, okay? I could go back and fuck with the date so it looks like I posted this on Sunday but that seems dishonest and also technologically complicated.
This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a total douche canoe):
- Inappropriate thoughts that haunt me about Twilight
- AIDS is totally not funny. Especially when you fuck up the punchline.
This week on the internets:
This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom:
- Houston got a quarter inch of snow. We had to shut the state down.
- And that’s why Jack Black is my own personal hero.
This week on shit-I-didn’t-write-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
Thank you, Jack Black. I had just given up on this day.
.-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Thanks for saving Christmas, Freak =-.
I love Megan and David (was that his name? I’m too lazy to go back and check). Also, how is your intern working out? Sometimes they can be a royal pain in the ass but this one seems consistent, thorough and upbeat. A winning combination.
.-= Kelly Duffy´s last blog ..What’s Up Buttercup? =-.
Nicole the Intern is awesome and (surprisingly) has not quit in disgust yet. I’m going to have her legally change her name to Nicole the Intern since I can’t actually remember her real last name.
Well if I had known that you were just gonna do a whole round up today I wouldn’t have bothered clicking all over your site last night to do catch up. I was all sorts of tired last night when I finished.
.-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Lazy SundayIts the Chronic-what? -cles of Narnia! =-.
I’m thinking I should have applied to that whole Intern thing…damn you, Nicole. I mean, not really but…I digress.
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..Courtyard Surprise =-.
Nice movie poster. So you’re in a vampire movie now, eh? Finally, a role that *requires* you to suck.
(Sorry; stole that from Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Couldn’t resist. How often do you get to use a really good vampire joke?)
.-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..Yeah, I used to party in the big city like a madman, too … you know, back in the late 1900s =-.
My genitals aren’t supposed to be moldy?
I’m not clicking on that link because Monday is depressing enough as it is.
.-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Assless Chaps were Definitely the Way to Go =-.
This is me humping you.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Dearest Darkly Dreaming Dexter =-.
I hate Mondays, especially today, but this made it better! You’re hysterical!
I LOVED your Twilight thoughts. And I too wondered about some of that stuff.
I love Twilight but Bella is too whiny sometimes so I think death by brutal force ejaculation SHOULD be the way for her to die.
And I think James should have killed her by making her give him head and then her head would explode. And THAT would keep teens from doing oral. Geez you should be a abstinence counselor or shit. Great ideas!
.-= Tiffany´s last blog ..THIS TIME It Was A Winter Wonderland =-.
I’m pretty sure you copied that “How to find a boyfriend in prison” post from my bestselling book, “My life as a prison Bitch: They pay sucked and so did I”.
Just sayin.
.-= Ed Adams´s last blog ..My Balls and Stories from their produce… =-.
How many sites do you maintain. Damn. But it is all pretty funny.
.-= mepsipax´s last blog ..Awww yeah Motherfucking Monday =-.
Four. But I do them all poorly.
I refuse to read those books or see the movies based on those books. But I will always make room for Jack Black in my day.
.-= MidLifeMama´s last blog ..Congrats to The Bob =-.
You mean it’s not Sunday? Crap.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Merry Christmas, readers! =-.
well, you’ve made me feel appropriately inadequate.
Also, it’s not possible to have inappropriate thoughts about Twilight. That entire series is one inappropriate thought.
.-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..Since I’m in the recommending mood… =-.
I laughed so hard I almost peed my Edward Panties.
.-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..Boozecats =-.
Meh.
.-= tokenblogger´s last blog ..Oh, sure! Throw in the race card… =-.
You have an intern? Wow. You’re just like “the Man”.
.-= annie´s last blog ..The Search Term that Brought You here =-.
That banner with you and Ed Cullen makes me totally want to go see New Moon. SO EXCITED you are in that movie!!!
.-= Aimee Greeblemonkey´s last blog ..My Kid Is Ready to Work for Greenpeace =-.
My take on the Twilight books (Spoiler Alert):
Book 1 – Kind of sexy and interesting, though not written very well. Still good premise.
Book 2 – Was angry with myself for wasting time wondering what my fifth-grade students were reading and vowed to go back in time and get those hours back. Why is Bella so whiny and uninteresting? “I want to be a vampire.”
I skipped Books 3 and 4 per my vow, and read the reviews on Amazon instead, which I think are way more interesting than books 1 and 2. Some of this may be inaccurate, but I don’t think Amazon readers would lie to me:
Book 3 – Love triangle and almost rape scene – wholesome for the fifth-grade set. Edward seems like he gets uncool. “Whatever Bella wants.”
Book 4 – Vampire/human monster baby and Bella preoccupied with sex. Werewolf is gonna become baby’s sexual partner in several years, while Bella lives with Edward in her cute house. Again, good message for the fifth-graders.
Oh, and can anyone tell me if going from being clumsy to a graceful vampire with no drives other than sex and mothering a mutant is character development?
.-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Permissive =-.
Oops. I think I just posted a blog instead of a comment. Feel free to delete.
.-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Permissive =-.
Meh, you may be a deadbeat blogger from time to time, but your thoughts on Twilight more than made up for it. All is forgiven.
.-= Robynn´s last blog ..Dear Santa, =-.
Douche Canoe yourself! Bless you for using it in a sentence. On your blog.
.-= Petit Elefant´s last blog ..sick as a dog. or something like that. =-.
Nicole the Intern is awesome. I bet she totally got a free James Garfield Christmas card. If my kids didn’t eat ramen noodles 4 nights a week, I would have definitely bought one, or looked up weird porn if i knew that was a payment option. You and NTI are totally perfect together. Poor, defenseless, out-numbered Victor. With NTI’s help, you could have gotten James Garfield’s little friend too. (It’s not too late…..)
Clearly you need an intern. It’s now her job to make sure you always know what day it is and can keep up with your wrap up schedules. DON”T DROP THE BALL NICOLE! Or The Bloggess’s minions will get you. Don’t believe me? Ask Shatner. Enough said.
.-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Moronic Monday – Some people shouldn’t be allowed in Home Depot. Or near cars. Or really anywhere besides a padded room. =-.
I love that not only did Nicole find you Jesus on a potato chip but it was found by Lawsons. Amazing! Even if she did refer to your relative as “some crazy bitch”. Oh, and I think David Thorne is my new idol!
Whatevs, Monday is the new Sunday. I know that the Pope isn’t onboard but there are a bunch of hipsters in Greenwich Village that have turned in their Hush Puppies and calendars so they can live their lives unencumbered by social convention. You are way ahead of the curve Jenny!
.-= StuffRichPeopleLove.com´s last blog ..#75 – Prenuptial Agreements =-.
That Twilight post was phenomenal, number seven almost made me wet myself. So did JB, but that’s a whole other kind of wet. 😉
.-= Hay´s last blog ..Parenting Ladder =-.
Dude i’ll take you anyway i can get you!
cuz you’re the shit…like me, and you’re a psycho…like me!
in other news: i hate the way everybpdy is always bashing twilight and edward…i tell those bitches to suck on these!
ok, yes he has his problems, but if i had to choose which problems my guy had to have i would definitely pick overprotective over foot odor, snoring, or pedophilia!
.-= BlackBird´s last blog ..This is How My Brain Works…Can You Say A.D.D.? =-.
Where did you find these SHIT? You must have a million spies out there just sending you funny shit all day. So your computer is probably like the HQ for Funny or Die. Only that the stuff you put up so far is all FUNNY to me, unlike Funny or Die… Bella in the Vampax commercial probably has better acting skills. I didn’t see any of the Twilight movies so I wouldn’t know. But I guess would be definitely yes. And David Thorn is a genius: I can’t believe he just wore the Blockbuster lady down like that. Peaceful resistance. He’s like a modern Gandhi. My religion does not allow me to have personal time on the weekend. My Mondays suck ass. So if you want to do Monday round-up I actually would be very grateful.
.-= submom´s last blog ..Know thyself. Be thyself. =-.
So at first I was going to be all, “Yes. Fuck. I’ll TOTALLY get my name changed to Nicole The Intern,” but then I saw Britt’s comment up there where she’s was all calling me, “NTI” for short, which absolutely makes me feel like Neil Patrick Harris and the glory of his NPH-ness, which is like… so much better than midget sex. If you happen to be into midget sex. Or something.
So NTI it is. Like, permanently and forever and ever, amen. Hold please, I have to go give my parents the good news that it’s time to bust out the birth certificate, some white out, and a big fat Sharpie.
.-= Nicole The Intern´s last blog ..seaweed, self definition, and the frustrating deliciousness of trying new things =-.
Nice job “hiring” Nicole. She’s freaking hilarious! 😉 I mean, if for no other reason than the fact she has directed me to your page…which I am loving.
It’s totally inspirational that you celebrate Sunday on a Monday. And by “inspirational” I mean I’m just drunk enough to believe it.
.-= Kurt´s last blog ..Questioning The Answers: This Never Gets Old…Like Your Mom =-.
I would have believed you if you had just said it was Sunday!
.-= Belle´s last blog ..Turtle’s father is a drunk. =-.
i’m glad to have given birth to the title NTI, which was entirely less painful then the two previous births i have given to two ten and nearly eleven pound babies. for which i’m pretty sure i deserve a prize. also i happen to own a copy of some midget porn, for reasons i refuse to explain, that i would be more than happy to send to NTI as a celebratory congratulations on this, the coronation of the name NTI. in fact, i should totally be NTI’s intern, and could do totally useless things such as, find a recipe for vagina cookies that aren’t completely disgusting, (because chocolate chip vagina cookies are like the herpes of genital foodstuffs, and no one likes the gift of edible herpes, NTI. no one. i think everyone would prefer chunk-free vaginas of all kinds in every possible scenerio.), and you know, come up with various other pleasant sounding abbreviations for things.
signed,
BTIONTI
(which obviously stands for Britt The Intern Of Nicole The Intern)
(but seriously, my only real job qualification is my completely inappropriate sense of humor and my lack of actual marketable skills allowing me to have enough free time to actually contemplate what in the hell an intern of an intern of a crazy lady would even do.)
(don’t judge me.)
(i will accept my severance package in the form of a James Garfield Christmas card.)
(and possibly some cookies.)
Well shit, Jenny. I had this elaborate story worked out in my head about how you stopped posting your end-of-week roundups because you featured one of my posts on the last one and so obviously you must have been like “now that I’ve seen this post, there is nothing else in the world that can compare… this post is the pinnacle of excellence toward which we all must strive.” And then you would drool a little bit because you were so amazed by me that you forgot to maintain muscular control of your oral sphincter.
But now that fantasy is ruined. RUINED!
.-= Allie´s last blog ..Boyfriend Would be a Headless, Dignity-less Torso Without Me =-.
And then I just realized that the entire premise of my fantasy was wrong all along because you didn’t actually stop after me. There were a few more end-of-week roundups after that which means that I’ve been living a lie all this time.
Oh wait… I see what you were doing… you were trying to cover up your completely obvious favoritism toward me so no one would get jealous and murder me in my sleep even though they definitely could never do that anyway because I sleep in a fucking panic room that is 100% murderer-proof.
The point is that you were trying to protect me and that is so sweet. My life is wonderful again.
.-= Allie´s last blog ..Boyfriend Would be a Headless, Dignity-less Torso Without Me =-.
I am so going to Blockbuster and borrow some movies for a month.
.-= Anastacia´s last blog ..Why a kitty and why is it in the city? =-.
You’re NOT the worst blogger in the world. In fact, you made me feel better that I hadn’t been maintaining mine much lately.
Remembering week summaries is what interns of your intern are for…
See what I did there? I blamed the peeps working for Nicole, and not her directly.
P.S CONGRATS NTI!
.-= Leesh´s last blog ..In case of Insanity – Break Glass =-.
Whhhhha. I loves you! and I love these recaps, The pie charts made my life! (yay, Im an internet stalker now!)
its cool because i was laughing out loud at 130am, so everyone on my floor was probably like “whoa, that girl cracked in exam week.”
jokes on THEM. I cracked ages ago…
.-= Kirsten´s last blog ..On a lighter Note, if you don’t read this, we are no longer friends. =-.
Inappropriate thoughts that haunt me about Twilight. Lol , how can I not read.
.-= Jonny | thelifething.com´s last blog ..Memories Of A Life Designers First Time =-.
What do you mean it’s Tuesday? Of course it’s Sunday. Your post updated just in time. No worries here. 🙂
.-= katie´s last blog ..The writers of ‘Let it Snow’ must have been high, or from Texas =-.
Oh jesus. A hugging contest? Who has a hugging contest? And I don’t think hugging a teddy bear actually makes you a better hugger when it comes to human beings. Maybe a better hugger when it comes to hugging bears.
But I think you can only hug a bear like… Once. So I guess it doesn’t matter if you are a good hugger or a bad hugger.
Shit. What?
.-= Rook Ie´s last blog ..Three personal stories as to why you shouldn’t ever get drunk ever (but they never stopped me.) =-.