I swear I was actually working

It’s Sunday, which means it’s time for my weekly wrap-up of all the stuff I wrote on the internet when I wasn’t here.  It’s really more of an excuse than a post.

The "Wikipedia-is-Only-Slightly-Less-Permanent-than-Graffiti" Edition.
The "Wikipedia-is-Technically-Graffiti" Edition.

    This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a total douche canoe):

    This week on the internets:

    • I was listed in the “James Garfield in popular culture” section on wikipedia for like 25 seconds until someone responsible deleted it.  It was a pretty kick-ass 25 seconds though.
    • The Thesaurus was fucking with me:
    • Um...what?

    This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom:

    This week on shit-I-didn’t-write-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    38 thoughts on “I swear I was actually working

    Read comments below or add one.

    1. The Thesauras fucks with me too, like we’re at a spelling bee and I don’t get to advance because I didn’t use a question mark at the end.

    2. The Hailey-in-the-fog picture was stellar, and proves that you are a good mom because bad moms don’t have children who look like they stepped out of a high-faultin foreign film, so just show it to Victor whenever he’s stab-worthy. And he’ll get all teary eyed at the beauty of it and tell you he’ll clean the house while you go buy some nice gifts for yourself.
      .-= juliejulie´s last blog ..Ready to Ride: Francine’s First Snow Storm =-.

    3. I heart that facebook song so much.

      When i tell people about it, i’ll totally give you the credit for it, then they will believe it was all you. Totally will work.
      .-= Red´s last blog ..8th of December =-.

    4. I think it’s awesome that your version of thesaurus.com has an ironic sense of humor. My version is a realist, whenever I do a search for a word for my writing it just says, “Seriously, stop wasting your time.” That’s okay, I appreciate its honesty, candor and forthrightness.
      .-= Makya´s last blog ..Something Old, Something New, Something Orange… =-.

    5. I have nothing witty to say except -Where’s the waitress with my damn coffee????????

    6. Re: Inappropriate things said on a first date

      I have a friend who tells me his parents were set up on a blind date (this was the late 1950s). The date was a dance. The young man’s father told him, “No matter how bad it goes, you make sure you say one nice thing to your date before the end of the evening!”

      All during the dance, the young man wracked his brains for just the right thing to say to his date.

      Finally, as he walked her to her front door, he told her, “Of all the fat girls I’ve ever danced with, your hands sweat the least.”

      It must have worked because she did marry him.
      .-= TheExpatresse´s last blog ..It’s a Small World =-.

    7. I think your daughter makes a more plausible Santa. At least she could probably be fueled by only cookies and milk, and fit down a chimney afterward.

      And you are absolutely adorable when it comes to holding onto your kid. I bet you two will coast through puberty just fine. I know that every parent is terrified that they’re going to have one of those kids who just is a complete terror through the whole thing, and often times they do… But they usually come out okay on the other side.

      Personal story time, YAY:

      I’d gotten into a fight with my boyfriend for one reason or another, and we’d both just had kinda a rough day. Mid completely-attractive movie star crying (read: While 50 gallons of snot and tears poured out of my face while I gasped to catch my breath), I told him the story of puberty for me:

      Puberty was rough. No one liked me at my new school from 7th-9th grade. I automatically assumed it was because of who I was and because of my family, (when really it was because every class is going to have that handful of kids that Jr. High kids push around to make them feel better about themselves.) I was terrified of becoming my family, my mother and her sisters specifically. They laugh too loud, they talk too much, and they tell the same stories over and over.

      My entire junior high I spent time carefully making sure I chose my words carefully, I barely laughed at all, and I kept personal stories to a minimum. I wasn’t going to turn into my family. I wasn’t going to turn into my family. I was NOT going to turn into my family.

      Spoiler alert: I’m 23, and I’m totally every single one of my aunts and my mom. I laugh louder than most of my friends, I’m a complete and total chatterbox, and my boyfriend has to listen to me repeat my favorite stories of all time over and over like they’re a Greatest Hits collection at a department store.

      But it wasn’t the junior high school kids who were bundling me up in -5 degree weather and holding me in the back of the car while I cried because I had another full body rash. It was my mother and aunt, both who were always there for every hospital trip, every long night in the ER, every sleep-deprived night while I waited off the insomnia-triggering drugs when we finally got home.

      It wasn’t the junior high school kids who brought me cough medicine and sat with me until I fell asleep again when I had one of my many chest colds. It was my uncle who was visiting, and at that time, barely knew me.

      It wasn’t the junior high school kids who took the time to call me every day they didn’t get to see me and sing me to sleep on the nights I knew I wouldn’t see them for a while. It was my dad, who despite being a full-time truck driver, made sure that he knew I was there had I needed anything at all.

      The biggest difference between me at 23, and me at 15, is how much I like myself now. And how much time I’m totally willing to devote to my family. I absolutely love ’em.

      If you’re a caring parent, brats like us always come around. And just wait until she’s my age and the two of you realize how much you’re alike. Oh god my mother and I pulled out pictures of when we were both 15. That was scary as hell.

      SO JENNY DONT WORRY. I’m sure you and Hailey will coast through any rough patches.


      Heart heart!
      .-= Rook Ie´s last blog ..Who buys airport souvenirs, Is Ikea a religion yet? (I’d like to convert), And there’s a great reason why people don’t take me on car trips =-.

    8. Um, so yeah, did you sleep with Tiger? I know, it’s not like you’re going to admit it in a blog that EVERYONE reads. But I would recommend an extended vacation in Aruba with all the hush money he’s going to pay you. Plus, it’ll be easier for Victor to deal with when he’s having “Sex on the Beach.”

    9. Thanks for posting the facebook song…that was a riot! And Creepy Uncle Ted wasn’t my favorite response. My favorite one was the dh on the computer too much and setting fire to the house. Thanks for the big smile you put on my face.

      See, I commented!!

    10. WOW- you answered my question with your column. I am SO going to set things on fire until my husband pays some attention to me. I may end up on the news, but he is GOING TO look up from his crappy hockey forums from now on.
      .-= LS´s last blog ..Gifts for Writers =-.

    11. No one at AA strikes me as a shy drunk. They strike me as rambling drunks who can’t use Twitter because nothing they have to say can be said in under 140 keys. Nothing.

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