Apparently I use a lot of words uncorrectly.

Conversation between me and my husband:

me:  This girl on my Ask the Bloggess column spelled “lamblasted” wrong.

Victor:  What?

me:  Lamblasted. You know?  Like when someone verbally stabs you?  She spelled itlambasted“.

Victor:  That’s because it is spelled “lambasted”.

me:  No.  I’m pretty sure it’s “lamblasted”.  Like, you got blasted with lamb.  That’s how violent it is.

Victor:  It’s lambasted. Look it up.

me:  I don’t have to look it up.  It’s lamblasted.

Victor:  It’s lambasted.

me:  That doesn’t even make any sense.

Victor:  And lamblasted does?

me:  Yeah.  It’s like, you got yelled at so bad it was like you got blasted.

Victor:  By lamb?

me:  I didn’t make up the word, dude.  Maybe “lamb” is latin for “kicking ass”.

Victor:  Here’s a dictionary.

me:  Holy shit. I’ve been saying “lamblasted” wrong for 32 years.

Victor:  You’re 35.

me:  Yeah, but it’s not like I was saying “lamblasted” straight out of the vagina, dude.

Victor:  You think you were saying it when you were 3?

me:  I was a very precocious child.  I’ve been mispronouncing “lamblasted” since I was a toddler.  That’s how advanced I am.

Victor:  Don’t talk anymore.

me:  Whatever.  I’m still calling it “lamblasted”.  My way sounds better.

Victor:  That doesn’t surprise me.  You still can’t pronounce “voluptuous” right.

me:  DUDE.  It’s voluMptuous.  Because it’s full of volume.  THAT TOTALLY MAKES SENSE.

Victor:  Yeah.  You should probably learn another language so you can fuck that one up too.

me:  Problemly.

Victor:   Um…what?

me:  Problemly. It’s a word I made up for when you’re probably gonna do something that’s problematic.  Problemly. It’s totally the next big word.

Victor:  There’s something really wrong with you.

me:  Yeah.  Problemly.

*******************************

On a totally unrelated note, my friend Neil demanded that I contribute a carol to his annual round-up.  It’s short, I swear.

*UPDATED*: Okay, I just looked it up and apparently “Lam” is Icelandic for “to beat soundly“.  “Beat Soundly” = “kicking ass”.  According to my math?  I just won.

Comment of the day: Dude, your way totally makes more sense. Maybe that’s the way it was originally spelled and then some guy was like “You know what? It is just way too convenient for words to be spelled conveniently… let’s change shit up!” And then “voluptuous,” “lambasted,” and “potlach” were born because apparently that guy was really influential. I’m not even sure “potlach” is a word… I saw it on my boyfriend’s cell phone yesterday because his phone started beeping and I wanted it to stop beeping, so I hit “ignore” on his calendar reminder for a “potlach” which probably means “potluck,” but I can’t be sure because we never ended up going to whatever a “potlach” is because I forgot to tell my boyfriend about how I ignored his calendar reminder for it. For all I know, “potlach” could mean “death camp.” I probably saved us. ~ Allie

182 thoughts on “Apparently I use a lot of words uncorrectly.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I’m reinstating the 12 days of Christmas. And since I’ve been cheated out of the additional eleven days for 23 years, by my calculations my husband has a hell of a lot more shopping to do. I’ll send him here to thank you for enlightening us.
    .-= Kait´s last blog .. =-.

  2. Dude, your way totally makes more sense. Maybe that’s the way it was originally spelled and then some guy was like “You know what? It is just way too convenient for words to be spelled conveniently… let’s change shit up!” And then “voluptuous,” “lambasted,” and “potlach” were born because apparently that guy was really influential. I’m not even sure “potlach” is a word… I saw it on my boyfriend’s cell phone yesterday because his phone started beeping and I wanted it to stop beeping, so I hit “ignore” on his calendar reminder for a “potlach” which probably means “potluck,” but I can’t be sure because we never ended up going to whatever a “potlach” is because I forgot to tell my boyfriend about how I ignored his calendar reminder for it. For all I know, “potlach” could mean “death camp.” I probably saved us.
    .-= Allie´s last blog ..WELCOME TO THE MOST FESTIVE FUCKING BLOG EVER =-.

  3. Okay, so I just looked it up on Wikipedia, and apparently “potlucks” are really actually called “potlucks” and also? “Fuddles.” But they have absolutely nothing to do with “potlachs” which is actually supposed to be spelled “potlatches.” What a horrible day this is.
    .-= Allie´s last blog ..WELCOME TO THE MOST FESTIVE FUCKING BLOG EVER =-.

  4. Getting blasted with a lamb would pretty violent. Way worse than the whole shoe throwing thing the Iraqi journalist did, maybe we should start blasting with lamb as a way to insult? Just throwing it out there as an idea.

    And of course there are 12 days of Christmas, silly. Us crazy Catholics celebrate until the Epiphany or “Little Christmas.” We are wild like that 😉
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Oh, How I Love Thee Camera =-.

  5. Ok, so I thought James Garfield was hot and amazing and then I saw him with Santa’s hats on his horns. Wow. I am rocked. Now Iam goinng to have to take down ALL of my christmas decorations and just hang one photo of Mr. Garfield. I even have to throw out my Christmas Tree (Fat Doug). Yes, my husband named our Christmas tree. I’m sure he (my husband) won’t notice that the Fat Doug is gone though. Once he see’s the life-size photo of Mr. Garfield dressed up for Christmas, nothing else will matter. What a gift. Thank you, bloggess.

  6. “Potlatch” is definitely a word. It is a gathering-type thingy traditionally celebrated by the Northwest Coast native people. Too complicated to go into it here, but it’s about gift-giving. They would have them to celebrate different life events. It was a competitive thing to see who could give more and better gifts in their potlatch. (The potlatch host was always the one who gave gifts to the guests.) For example, if you threw a big potlatch and gave away everything to your guests except your grandmother and invited everyone in the village, the next person to give a potlatch would try to outdo you by giving more.

  7. Birdie-

    Potlatch – A potlatch is a festival ceremony practiced by indigenous peoples of the Pacific Northwest Coast. Different events take place during a potlatch, like either singing and dances, sometimes with masks or regalia.

    Which is not the same thing as a “potluck.” At all.
    .-= Allie´s last blog ..WELCOME TO THE MOST FESTIVE FUCKING BLOG EVER =-.

  8. Yeah I like to make up words too. I’m all like your word is right but mine is better. My gf doesn’t buy it either.
    You rock btw. But I will keep on doing it.
    I should make a list of words I make up. Oh, that’s right I already did.
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..Shit not to do =-.

  9. Did I ever tell you that until I was in my mid-twenties I thought that when the weather men were talking about “wind chill” (not sure if you have encountered windchill in Texas but it is explained here –> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wind_chill) I thought they were saying “windshield”? Anyway, to make myself look smarter I have been actively trying to incorporate the word “windshield” as a weather term meaning the drop in temperature as the velocity of wind increases as it hits your windshield while driving. You see, I’m from one of the coldest places in Canada (we recently had wind chill temperatures of -52 degrees celcius) and I firmly believe that in Canada we deserve a whole other level of cold. Windshield. Watch for it. I invented it.

    Perhaps you should do the same with “lamblasted”. Just a thought.

    BTW: James Garfield? Yeah, totally hot with the santa hats.
    .-= melistress´s last blog ..Just a Girl =-.

  10. I really need to send poor Victor a Christmas/sympathy gift. Maybe 12 of them.

    If I do, don’t you dare call them Christmapathy gifts.

  11. Jesus H. I didn’t even know “lambasted” was a word. (OR: Being married to the “intelligent types” is probably bad for the economy because all that shoe money is now going toward fucking therapy.)

    PS: James looks like the drunk intern at the Holiday party.
    .-= Kristine´s last blog ..They Shot Him in the Fucking Head =-.

  12. I once had an argument when writing a group paper over the use of ‘pacifically’ to mean ‘specifically’. The guy INSISTED that ‘pacifically’ MEANT the same thing. When we pulled out a dictionary on him, his response was, “whatever, you need to look in a bigger dictionary.”

    That said, my daughter (6) still says the stuff you wear are ‘clos’ (clothes) and one article of clothing is a ‘clo’ which makes total sense.

  13. well, my sister did a thing in elementary school will all the other kids and they had hand motions and everything for the 12 days of christmas. we were suckered into doing it with her every year when she was little. on year my brother took off his socks in the middle of the song and tried to accost several people with smelly teenage boy socks. it was traumatizing.

    my mother is making us do it this year because my aunt’s dying and she used to love that song/routine. this was really meant to be funny and pertinent at the same time but it turned out horribly because i mentioned my aunt’s brain tumor and now i have nowhere to go from here. that was probemly the wrong approach.
    .-= mylittlebecky´s last blog ..pictures! aka becky was a child. of the corn. aka chuck said my nose hasn’t grown at all since this picture. =-.

  14. You know one time there was this bitch. I’ll call her “Faith.” We were at a BD party for my best friend. I made up a new verb conjugation because it seemed appropriate and that IS MY SCHTICK! That bitch then told me that I sounded “uneducated.” I told her, “Faith, I believe you mean ‘unedumacated.'” She shut up. Well done Jenny, fill up that user dictionary on word! Do it!

  15. Oh. My. God. Seriously, that was hilarious and scarily similar to conversations I have with my husband. Only there IS another language involved. You should hear me slaughter his language and then argue that MY way makes more sense and even sounds better. Fun times. (“Fun Times” A phrase I actually hate but feels really appropriate for some reason)

    By the way, I’m *sure* it’s volumptuous.
    .-= PinkyPie´s last blog ..The Weather =-.

  16. Hi. I love you but I lurk a lot instead of commenting, which I KNOW doesn’t say LOVE. but I am always here – swears. I was just checking to make sure someone told you about Epiphany. There. Religious lesson o’ the day, plus a reason to buy more presents. (FTW!)
    .-= amy2boys´s last blog ..Christmas Gift Guide 2009 =-.

  17. LAM also equals “a Lightweight Attack Munition, which is a WEAPON in the computer game Deus Ex.”

    I’m pretty sure weapons kick ass. Suck on that Victor – ironically, you don’t win.

  18. Wait, so it’s not volumptuous?! I really thought it was.
    Also, in a work meeting yesterday. A serious one about changing our company name, i did use the words googleatize and doctorily (instead of clinical)
    .-= shannon´s last blog ..It’s Knitting Time =-.

  19. I am so confused. I always thought the word was landblasted, you know like sandblasted. I thought it meant being blasted with land aka dirt. While I’m on this subject, I never can figure out if fantastical is really a word. I say it sometimes but it sounds stupid. It’s like saying “I think the Bloggess is fantastical”, but wouldn’t saying “I think the Blogess is fantastic” mean the same thing?

  20. Oh, and you know those super vacuums that men use to clean out garages, “shop vacs” apparently because they are shortened for vacuums that work shops use. I thought they were called “shot backs” because they are such powerful vacuums that they feel like they are shooting you back.
    I am not making this up. You can ask my dad…..and boyfriend….and brother…
    .-= shannon´s last blog ..It’s Knitting Time =-.

  21. Cool – first (?) Iceland shout-out! 🙂 I’m Icelandic and have to admit I was surprised at the connection… but “lamdi” does mean “beat up” or “hit” (past tense – present tense is “lemja”. No our language makes no sense). So I can back up that link 🙂 Of course I’d never heard of the word “lam(b)lasted” before, so what do I know.

    Devoted reader here, btw – your powers are totally spreading world-wide. And my sister was in Tokyo around the time you were, and the no 1 topic after the trip – by FAR – was the toilets.

    PS: if you ever need other references to the origin of the spelling of obscure words, I’ll totally make up some old Icelandic connection for you and back you up.

  22. Look, the dictionary spelled it wrong once and shit just caught on, ok? It isn’t your fault that you know the truth, but I bet Victor *still* won’t believe you, just because most of the internet agrees with you, so lemme break it down:

    Lam, as you have stated, is basically beatings. Or asskickery.

    Baste (v.)

    1. To sew loosely with large running stitches so as to hold together temporarially
    2. To moisten periodically with a liquid
    3. (This really has just been put in here to explain the original typo)
    a. To beat vigorously; thrash
    b. To lambaste

    Blast (v.)

    1. To destroy or blow up with explosives.
    2. To make or cause a harsh noise.
    3. (tr) To remove, open, etc., by an explosion.
    4. (tr) To ruin or shatter.
    5. To criticize severely.
    6. To wither or cause to wither.
    7. (in Botany) One of several diseases that result in sudden death.
    8. A forcible gust of wind or air.

    Basically, even in Botany, blast means bad ass and every definition goes better than what lambaste could possibly mean. At best, lambaste could mean “beat beat” which just sounds stupid. And, really, it could also mean “moisten periodically in beatings” which is even stupider.

    *And I more or less took these directly from the dictionary. Prove that wrong, Victor.*

  23. The song? Hilarious! And so true. The Santa hats on James Garfiled? FUCKING AWESOME! He’s so festive. How can Victor not love him? Maybe you should get Victor a hat and make him take a picture with James Garfiled. No, I have something better! Your whole family should put on a Santa hat including Barnaby and then take a picture with James Garfield for your Christmas card next year! You’re whole family and friends will be totally jealous. You’ll have the most awesome Christmas card. Ever.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Moronic Monday – Is that a lizard in your pants or are you just happy to see me? =-.

  24. Recently I asked “who the hell needs FIVE golden rings?” and someone schooled my ass. Be prepared. It might blow your mind. Or not…

    From 1558 until 1829 Limeys couldn’t practice their faith openly. Someone wrote ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ – a secret code so they could be all creepy religious without getting wacked.

    1. The partridge in a pear tree is Jesus Christ.
    2. The two turtledoves are the Old and New Testaments.
    3. Three French hens stand for faith, hope and love.
    4. The four calling birds are the four Gospels.
    5. The five gold rings recall the torah (Law) the first five books of the Old Testament.
    6. The six geese a-laying stand for the six days of creation.
    7. Seven swans a-swimming represent the sevenfold gifts of the Spirit.
    8. The eight maids a-milking are the eight beatitudes.
    9. Nine ladies dancing are the nine fruits of the spirit (Gal.5).
    10. The ten lords a-leaping are the Ten Commandments.
    11. Eleven pipers piping stand for the eleven faithful disciples.
    12. Twelve drummers drumming symbolize the 12 points of belief in the Apostles Creed.

    TaDa!
    .-= Simone´s last blog ..Christmas Carols are presumptuous and annoying =-.

  25. Once, I definitely tried to say “gargantuan” while talking to my fiance, but I was reading a book at the moment, and read “orangutan” so….. “ORGANTUAN” was born. King Kong’s red-headed stepchild? Sure.

  26. I have a friend who says “supposably” all the time, but I don’t have the heart to correct her… mostly because I mangle an unimaginable amount of words.

    For the past eight years, after misspeaking we could always say, “If it’s good enough for the President,” but our new Commander-in-Chief has a much more impressive command of the English language.
    .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Roller Coaster =-.

  27. I’m pretty sure that misspelling words and using them incorrectly from having back-formed them from their pronunciations is an essential part of growing up in Texas.

  28. Sounds reasonable to me. Except the part about Channukah being 7 days. Tonight’s the 7th night tomorrow is number 8 and then we’re done. Happy Channukah Jenny ! Wish we got 8 presents but all we get are lots and lots of pancakes .

  29. I think after 12 days you get something like 78 presents, so yeah, kinda screwed. Also, love festive James Garfield. What’s that painting on the wall next to it? Totally WANT that. 🙂
    .-= Cassie´s last blog ..wordless wednesday =-.

  30. I love your new word :Problemly. I can use it in so many ways on a daily basis. Thank you! And the song? I cannot agree more! I have to say… when you first started singing, I was all like, “fucking hell, she just lied. No way this song is going to be short.” But you didn’t lie. You are Integrity Herself. Jame Garfield looks maxnificent.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..WTF Wednesday: Fighting “I Guess I’m a Racist” with “I Guess I’m a Lazy Ass”! =-.

  31. I have to admit I knew about lambasted. Probemly is gonna be problemly added to my vocabulary. But voluptuous…threw me for a loop de loop. No M? For 55 years???? What you learn on the internets.

    But then, all my life I have said cement(pronounced sea ment), all rotten(au graten) potatoes and turn at the medium(median) on the road, so what do I know.

  32. Promblemly is my new favorite word.

    And oh yeah, your 12 days (?) of Christmas song is AWESOME. you are the best.

  33. Your title is sort of killing me. Maybe I’ve just been lamblasted by this whole entry’s awesomeness, though. Or something like that.

  34. James needs a red rudolph-style nose to complete that look.

    And I agree Jessica, chillax is the best word invented.

  35. Shit, I’ve been saying it wrong longer than you… aw hell, longer than you’ve been alive. And mispronunciations are one of my pet peeves. I must go lock myself in a room and flog myself with a dictionary like one of those Opus Dei monks. Thanks Victor for ruining my sense of self-superiority. I blame my impending massive depression complete with 6 months of non-shaving bathrobe wearing on you.
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..I’m Not PC, But I’m Still People PC, Apparently =-.

  36. One day, my little sister called my mom and, when my mom answered yelled “I can’t believe you!” Taken aback, my mom asked her “Whatever are you talking about?” “Ambliance!” my sister shouted. “Ambliance?” my mom said. “Yes! All these years I thought it was ambliance. Why didn’t anyone tell me it is actually AMBULANCE?” Apparently she had a cute boy in the car when she referred to the ambliance coming up behind her. Can’t really blame her for not figuring it out herself. It IS spelled backwards on the hoods.
    .-= mommica´s last blog ..Announcing… =-.

  37. I hate it when I use words uncorrectly… or even INcorrectly. 😉 Also when people say “simular” instead of similar. Also “supposibly” but it was already mentioned. A former coworker had a dog that she said was a doverman. I don’t think she meant it was an English dog from Dover. She also said “like” instead of lack.

  38. i sat next to a gentleman this wk at one of those “show” type Japanese restaurants, and the man said to me that he was *anphibious* to something or other. meaning that he did not care one way or the other. i thought he had gills and was gonna tell me about swimming a lot. problemly. point is, he did not even get the wrong word correct.

    and about basting lambs? is this a cooking show term? for when they fuck up the dish on live tv?

  39. No WAY!—Volumptuous is totally how I have said it too. For me, it makes total sense b/c the “m” looks like two boobs—you know, if a woman is lying on her back and they are standing straight up on her chest. And, since volumptuous means “with boobs” it is all synergy.

    Then again, my whole life I thought there was a park called Yoz-e-mite that was different from one called Yo-sem-i-tee. I’ll never live that down.
    .-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..To think that I used to worry that she’d never read =-.

  40. OK, so I there was once this radio commercial advertising “Shoot Fighting” in town, and it seemed like it said “Shoot Fighting” on bazillion times in the commercial. They were PUMPED about these fights, and the commercials definitely showed it.
    ANYWAY…the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME, were talking months here, I thought they were saying “Shoe Fighting”, like Austin Powers style (who throws a SHOE anymore anyway).
    I STILL stand my ground that “Shoe Fighting” would be WAY more entertaining…well…. problemly….
    .-= Kristen´s last blog ..Kitchen Insecurities =-.

  41. I totally relate. My hubby says “expecially” rather than “especially” because who knows when you will need an x. It makes it expecial.

  42. In our house sidekick = psychic , hostiple=hospital and pixsure=picture… of course these are the incorrect pronounciations of a 12 year old…who btw would think you are a Shero ( you know a girl hero) for rescuing James Garfield from a fate worse then dea, um, being left on a wall in a moldy old house.
    I happen to agree with her.
    .-= Dawn´s last blog ..Reading blogs only makes me jealous, then I get depressed so I should have just eaten the chips and dip to begin with… =-.

  43. I would NEVER sit on the floor when I was a kid because my mom had me all freaked out about the giraffes that come under the doors and would make me catch cold.

    Oh! (10 years later). DRAFT. It makes sense now.

  44. I just learned that the word is DETRITUS and not DETRIUS. Oh, and I’m going to be 49 in a few days. I guess that makes me 48 and a half?

    The 12 Days of Christmas, as I understand it, is the period of time between Christmas and Epiphany (Jan 5). It can also be called “Christmastide.” In Spain, Epiphany is also called Three King’s Day because that’s how long it took the wise men to get to Bethlehem. And since THEY brought the presents, that’s when you get your gifties.

    I didn’t realize that Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night was apparently written as holiday entertainment. See what you learn when you google stuff?

    But that isn’t funny at all. You are funny.

    Carry on.
    .-= TheExpatresse´s last blog ..Well, That’s Just GRATE! =-.

  45. Okay, very much digging the Problemly word. And I’m from New Zealand so saying Lamblasted would problemly get me mocked so that one I can’t say. What I CAN say though, is you have a lovely singing voice! And I TOTALLY DIG the glasses on JG. He totally rocks the Librarian look. Probably because he’s so kick ass.
    .-= Leesh´s last blog ..The next game = FAIL =-.

  46. Oy. There really are no Jews in Texas, eh? There were no Jews in SC or Georgia when I lived there either. Probably just as well.

    As Karen pointed out, there are 8 days of Chanukah, and I give my kid presents each night, light the candles, say the prayers, etc. – you could Google it were it not for your unattractive streak of raging anti-Semitism 😉 – and since my ex is Catholic, she also does Christmas. Kid cleans up.

    You have a beautiful singing voice, btw, for a bad speller and an incoherent Southern anti-Semite!

    –A Jewish Yankee

  47. My ex boyfriend would say “Dramastically”. It’s the word baby that was formed after “Drastically” and “Dramatically” had a one night stand.

  48. After this I’m pretty sure that Heath and Victor are two different people. I wasn’t totally sure before, but in our relationship it’s Heath who perpetually mispronounces and misuses stuff. To name a few…

    “Nucular” = “nuclear”
    “Gow” = “Gouge”
    “Six, ten, half a dozen” = “six of one, half a dozen of the other”
    “Bereft” = “befitting” (It’s cute when he tries to use “big” words.)
    “Omelette” – “umlaut” (yeah, we’ve actually GOT to say that often because of the “ö” in our last name.)

    In a lot of ways its like I’m living in hell. I like proper grammar, syntax, and pronunciation. I like it obsessive-compulsively. I figure being married to Heath is like reparations for something horrible I did in a past life.
    .-= Robynn´s last blog ..Almost Famous…. =-.

  49. It’s ok Jenny. I make up words all the time. Sometimes there’s just no word that fits, so you have to make up your own word that makes better sense. For instance “Floofy”. Like when I wake up in the morning my hair is floofy. A combination of “fluffy” and “poofy”. “Floofy”. Makes perfect sense. And who says that it’s only a word if Webster makes it up? Check out this article called “Merriam-Webster Asks: What’s Your Favorite Word (That’s Not in the Dictionary)? http://www.merriam-webster.com/info/favorite.htm, it kinda proves your point. If you made it up, it’s still a word. Victor is just way to uptight. And by the way, James Garfield is looking all handsome and festive and happy now that you changed his life for the better by giving him a loving home.
    .-= Sonya´s last blog ..Crochet Doll for Christmas =-.

  50. I just avoid the whole “lambasted” issue by saying “beat the shit out of using one’s mouth, but not in the dirty way, you PERV, in the ORAL way, what do you MEAN that still sounds dirty? Why don’t you get your head out of the gutter, asshole? God, you’re so SKEEVY” instead. That’s worked pretty well for me since I was like 1 1/2.
    .-= Bejewell´s last blog ..All I Want for Christmas is This Dildo Helmet =-.

  51. I once had a coworker who thought the word was “supposably”. She used it a lot. If I’d worked in that office another month I’d have started visibly twitching when I heard it.

  52. aergeargerg I have a fucking plethora of words I can’t say right.

    Lawn mower: Mow lawner.
    Supposedly: Supposively

    I’m drawing blanks on the others, but all my friends enjoy mocking me ruthlessly over them. AH THE TRUE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS, YOU KNOW?
    .-= Rook Ie´s last blog ..The Story of Bagel Hell =-.

  53. Well I guess I have been saying volumptous wrong also. So I heard it’s really voluptous? Which I agree with you, it makes no sense. If something is full, it should be volum-. Volum- being derived from Janah English(that being Me along with the language I speak), meaning “full of”. There. So suck on that Victor. Now, it’s a word.
    .-= So Not Mom-a-licious´s last blog ..I had a post, but substituted with this one. Probably a mistake. =-.

  54. Dude, I know this shouldn’t be what I focus on, but… you laugh at our spelling with your husband? That’s kinda not cool. I mean I’m not smart enough to use the term ‘lambasted’ even incorrectly but what if some poor Romanian goat lass was trying to reach out and Ask the Bloggess with heavy Romanian-English thesaurus usage, and you just alienated her because she only understands like half your blog and thinks you just pointed out her poor English instead of making fun of yourself? That’s probably like half your Romanian demographic that just fled the hut in tears. Unless you’re big in Romania.

    And now I have to include the disclaimer that any typo’s in this comment are cuz I am typing with one hand on two different types of painkillers. Not that I don’t typically talk/type like English is my second language.

    In fact the Vicadin is kicking in hardcore and it’s taking me way too long to complete this sentence.
    .-= K´s last blog ..Elbow-deep in chestal cavity =-.

  55. I don’t know how to get in contact with you via e-mail, but I thought you’d like this post. It’s talking about discrimination against red haired children (I kid you not), and somehow they throw “ninja” in there:
    http://www.heraldsun.com.au/lifestyle/the-other-side/tesco-withdraws-christmas-card-reading-santa-loves-all-kids-even-ginger-ones-after-woman-complains/story-e6frfhk6-1225810899121
    .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Roller Coaster =-.

  56. I realized last week that I’ve been mis-pronoucing anticlimactic wrong for 30 years. I’m 33. I’ve been saying anticlimatic. Listen, it sounds better so I’m going to still go with it, but why didn’t anyone ever correct me? Because I think they think that it sounds better my way too.

  57. Dear Jenny,

    I’m 19, live in Australia and love your blog. Just wanted to let you know that the term ‘douche-canoe’ is now widely used around around the University of Melbourne, and has entered the student lexicon as the ‘word of 2009’. I hope you’re proud.

  58. Jenny, I am a little weirded out that you just confirmed my suspicion that you are really my old roomie in disguise. Evidence includes many of the same mannerisms she had, Czech background, and now, voLUMPtuous, which she always said, too. If you say “perdramas” instead of pajamas, too, I’m changing your name to Kimberly.
    .-= kittenpie´s last blog ..The Beauty in the Everyday =-.

  59. For years my daughter was afraid of rockweilers. At her age I thought dead people were given an autospy. And I’ve been spelling problemly “probly” for way too long. Thanks for putting me strait.
    .-= Mr Farty´s last blog ..Advent Calendar =-.

  60. Whoa, “volumptuous” is wrong? My mind is blown…I’m not sure how I’ll be able to live my live normally from here on. I’m off to find a facebook group that can explain just HOW flabbergasted I am.
    (BTW, I agree with Anna up there. I’ve started using douche-canoe, too)

  61. JG looks so magnifique in that video, I’m wondering if it’s too late to get a ChrisKwanzaaKahRfield card. Do they go on sale after the holidaze?

    And I’m on the bandwagon for the JG 2010 Calendar!

  62. Flustrated (flustered and frustrated). That’s what Victor would make me, most of the time, but I’d still love him because he did still buy James Garfield even if it was under pressure.
    .-= Plano Mom´s last blog ..All Grown Up =-.

  63. That is the best Christmas Carol of the year, and it’s short!!!! The swans a swimming would be kinda cool because they are bright birds and will eat right out of your hand, but be very careful, they do bite pretty hard for not having any teeth. My fiancee and I used to visit these swans on a regular basis and one of the birds got a bit enthusiastic about taking the bread from her hand and actually broke skin. Now the geese a-laying, eh, I dunno. Geese are actually not too friendly and hiss quite a bit and if they are Candian geese, they tend to crap everywhere and I am not talking your normal bird splatter, no, it looks like someone set a pack of incontinent miniture poodles loose. There was a park outside of Philadelphia that had major issues with this. As far as the maids-a-milking, what are they milking anyway? There are no mammals in that song and the last time I checked you cannot milk a swan or a goose and if you did, prepare to be hissed at and have the swans attack you with there monster death grip beaks. As for the turtle dove and the partridge, forget it, those suckers are so small, if you were to squeeze some milk out of them, you’d hardily get enough for a bowl of cereal or your coffee.

  64. don’t feel bad. i used to know someone who (when reading) would pronounce epitome “epitohm” instead of “epitohme”. she was an avid reader too. i didn’t have the heart to correct her.

    you’re not alone! 😀
    .-= Kallay´s last blog ..Come on, Get Happy! =-.

  65. I used to be married to a man with webbed toes (seriously he was a mutant) who couldn’t pronounce the word “atmosphere”. He called it “Atnosphere” which I’m pretty sure is what Google maps lists as your current location if you’re using an iPhone from a marble shoved up a child’s nostril. To my eternal shame, after I lost 100lbs and got really cute he left me for a girl with fat thighs and big slobbery bullmastiff dogs; the kind of dogs who come in from the rain, shake themselves to dry off and get dog snot on the ceiling. Personally I think it was my correcting his grammar that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back, tho it might have been the 11 months of no sex. Not sure why I’m oversharing this with you except that Victor seems to be getting a wee bit arrogant. The cure for that is letting him know that no matter how stupid he thinks you are, you could always leave him for someone dumber, poorer, or uglier than he is. Few things feel worse than being dumped for your inferior. Ex-specially at Xmas.
    .-= Cece´s last blog ..Its not willpower! It’s the ice cream I had stored in my butt! =-.

  66. My sister in mispronounciation!! My favorite creation is hypiphany. It’s not just a regular epiphany, it’s a mind-blowing, stop-you-in-your-tracks uber epiphany. It’s like a hyper epiphany, or hypiphany.

  67. On a totally unrelated note, your Christmas carol rocks. I want to know where I can get 12 days of Christmas and then of course they would have to change their name from just Christmas Day. Thanks now I’ll be thinking of that all day. (I still laughed my ass off at that carol though. You should do a series of them.)

  68. Hi Jenny. This is totally unrelated to this post but I don’t see another way to contact you. Do you ever hear from Nancy W. Kappes, (paralegal) any more? I don’t think you’ve mentioned her since you guys met face to face in July. Is the honeymoon over between you two? NOMB, but I used to enjoy her letters almost as much as your entries.
    P.S. Victor is a saint

  69. Why do I always, always fail to remember that it isn’t in my best interest to read your blog while drinking coffee? Why? Furthermore…my neighbor thinks I’m a complete pothead now, because of you.

    I had just bought my kitten, Miss Stumples, a new catnip toy last night. It came with a cigar-tube-like container of catnip. So I’m sitting at my computer reading your blog, drinking my coffee, and filling up Miss Stumples’ new mousie with catnip when Todd comes up and knocks on the front door. Mind you, I’m laughing maniacally, and holding a tube of catnip when I answer the door…..

    The only thing that probably saved me from a law enforcement visit was Miss Stumples, who promptly wrapped around my ankle and then proceeded to scale my leg like I was a catnip tree. I stopped laughing, he stopped staring, and then literally pointed at me and laughed.

    Jen, I swear reading your blog has gotten me into more WEIRD situations. Is that a NORMAL consequence of reading things that you’ve written? Because really…you should consider placing a disclaimer somewhere.

    By the way…your “12 Days of Christmas, That’s Really Only One Day Unless You’re Jewish, and Then It’s 7 Days of Hannukah” video was superb. But I think you probably only get one day because there are 12 months in the year, see…and I think there’s a good chance that you’ve been bad at least 11 mths. Amirite or amirite?
    .-= Lori “kcgirlgeek” Hutcherson´s last blog ..Save Hope =-.

  70. We just finished a discussion here that ended with me finding out I’ve been saying tenderhooks all these years instead of the proper term which is tenterhooks. Either way, it sounds painful.
    .-= Kelly Duffy´s last blog ..Wheeeeee! =-.

  71. I love the image of a three-year-old using “lambasted” (frequently). Anyway, I don’t think the odd bit of mispronunciation matters in the grand scheme of things, so long as people understand what you mean (and at least you’re inventing whole new words, not misappropriating real ones).
    .-= Rachel Cotterill´s last blog ..Chilli Tomato Soup =-.

  72. OMG, ‘problemly’! Can I use that, it’s frickin brilliant? My friend Sarah and I invented several new words, one of which was ‘ridicularity’, as in ‘Those pants are the height of ridicularity.’ It’s way above and beyond being simply ridiculous, it’s ridicularious.

    I would problemly let you use it if you’re nice to me.

    res
    .-= residuetiger´s last blog ..Well, at least I’m not crazy….. =-.

  73. I think I just entered the Twilight Zone with the conversation I just had with my husband:

    Me: Hmph. Did you know lambasted is pronounced Lambasted??

    Pat: No it’s lambLASTed.

    Me: No I’m reading this blog right now, she says it’s actually lambasted…

    Pat: That doesn’t even make sense…

    Me: I refuse to continue this conversation right now.
    .-= Mama Kat´s last blog ..Chicken Sh*t =-.

  74. I have a feeling “problemly” will catch on.

    HILARUSE! Better run to the LIBARY and look up some more words to misuse… 🙂

  75. Holy shitballs….I just went to add my word to the Urban Dictionary….and IT’S ALREADY THERE. WTF?
    .-= Tamara´s last blog .. =-.

  76. Up until recently, I thought Puff the Magic Dragon frolicked in the “Ottomiss” rather than the Autumn Mist. Also, I still say “numchucks” instead of “nunchucks”…because if you get hit with them you’re pretty much numb from pain.
    .-= carolinemichelle´s last blog ..Make it a betta place… =-.

  77. If you weren’t married to Victor, I swear I’d….because his comebacks are awesome. But I don’t think they’d be as awesome if he was married to me. I think he’s only that awesome because he’s married to you.
    .-= Stacey´s last blog ..The Gift =-.

  78. Nicole sent me here. Can I tell you how important this moment is for me? I somehow have a lot of jesus readers despite the amount of times I say fuck. I have been looking for a place where ninjas and vulgarity live and I think I found it. It’s like when you find your group in high school and they end up being the goth kids but you’re like kind of ok with it. Ok I’m on like 40 minutes of sleep.

    Heart you stalk you.
    .-= Martinis or Diaper Genies?´s last blog ..B said it was a FAKE Blizzard. Part 1. =-.

  79. My leaving comments here is totally pointless because they’re all just going to say the same thing: You are the FUNNIEST PERSON EVER. Also, I just ate a bag of Cheetos, and spent five hours on the Internet, and then read this post, and then laughed out loud, and smelled my own breath, and now I’m going to get up and brush my teeth. Thank you for telling me, albeit indirectly, that my breath smelled like a donkey’s butt that just farted out Cheetos.
    .-= Sabrina´s last blog ..Let’s All Go Out and Hug a Child. Just Make Sure You Know Them First. =-.

  80. It’s lamb basted as in so verbally devastating that your lamb is [i] basted [/i] – soaked in the juicy goodness of your verbal attack, where it simmers for hours until your goose..eh, lamb is fully cooked by the lamb basting. Lambasting. Served with mint sauce. The second “b” is silent because it doesn’t exist.
    .-= Tara´s last blog ..Making homemade wine =-.

  81. Dammit, Jen! Typos. This is what I meant to post:

    It’s lambasted as in so verbally devastating that your lamb is basted – soaked in the juicy goodness of your verbal attack, where it simmers for hours until your goose..eh, lamb is fully cooked by the lamb basting. Lambasting. Served with mint sauce. The second “b” is silent because it doesn’t exist.
    .-= Tara´s last blog ..Making homemade wine =-.

  82. Sorry if soeone’s already said this (there’s no way I’m reading over a hundred comments to check. Hell, you probably don’t even read all the comments,) but, I totally thought it was “laxadaisical,” as in, related to “lax” until my jerkass, know-it-all husband told me it was “lackadaisical.” I had to look it up to ‘prove him wrong.” Speaking of, now I have to look up this lamb thing.
    .-= Swedishskier´s last blog ..A Public Service Announcement from Smokey the Bear =-.

  83. So I didn’t even realize a word I made up would become part of the lexicon of the people in the 12-step fellowship I attend where I live. When my friend Dan informed me that like everyone we know and then some use it and people are viewed as WEIRD if they don’t know and use it. I was astounded!
    The word is Shaunalogue. It’s referring to a chick named Shauna who a member of the 12-step fellowship I go to who’s shares got really long and super dramatic for awhile. When she shared, she’d look up at the ceiling and use her hands to make dramatic gestures. It was as though no one else existed except her when she shared. I was sitting there one night after a solid week of this, thinking to myself, “Gosh, all she lacks from doing a proper theatrical monologue is a pencil spotlight and dimmed lights. But it would be a monologue, it would be a SHAUNALOGUE!!” I promptly texted that to one of my friends and it took off from there. Now everyone in the area who knows her uses it.

  84. I thought to myself after the conversation with Dan, “I have to share this with The Bloggess! She may be the only one who truely understands how incredibly cool and weird this is at the same time.”

  85. i just cried from laughing at this one…..my boyfriend/fiance/baby daddy/the man i not-so-secretly wish for his daily demise is CONSTANTLY mispronouncing words. Of course, it’s my duty to correct him and he refuses to admit when he’s wrong….which is every day, about virtually everything. Come to think of it, he’s always fucking up common expressions too – like instead of saying “filthy stinking rich”…… he’ll say “filthy STINKY rich.”

    fucking asshole.

    so i gotta take victor’s side on this one…..shit drives me nutso.

    but “problemly” is good. real good. maybe that’s just because i like you…more than my fiance. is that a bad sign?

    problemly.

  86. I was telling someone the other day about a major walk-out fight I had at dinner with my friend and her husband because I was trying to explain to my friend how Lou Dobbs verbally attacked politicians for employing illegal immigrants, while he himself had undocumented workers tending to his property. I used the word “landblasted” with a level of passion and outrage, as in “HE LANDBLASTED THOSE PEOPLE while he was doing it himself!” My friend’s husband immediately jumped in with his own level of outrage and sarcasm for my use of a non-word. He was mean and persistent, so I got up and left.

    When I told another friend about this, she suggested I read your blog. It’s a beautiful thing. And I was more than satisfied to find the entry even after I typed in “land blasted” to the search. I agree. The words make sense, whether is lamb or land. It’s all about blasting + … . It’s simple logic and something that happens every day in the Middle East! If you were a person on land in a severe blast, I imagine you’d feel about the same as I did in that conversation. LAND BLASTED. lambasted. lambastard. How’s that for a word!?

  87. That was funny! You and your husband have a funny conversation.. I love the way you speak “problemly” I was laughing at here, it is really funny I love you both.. Well, it is just a sense of enjoyment and argument.. Funny..LOL

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