It’s Sunday, which means it’s time for my weekly wrap-up of all the stuff I wrote on the internet when I wasn’t here. Plus, I also drove 20 hours with a 5 year old and I may have inadvertently started a cult. Also, something happened with Jesus.
This week on my sex column (which is satirical and relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t a total douche canoe):
This week on the internets:
- According to Marie Claire Magazine, I might be the leader of a cult. And if you’re reading this you are a cult-member. And instead of Kool-Aid we will have wine slushies. Unless you are an alcoholic. Then you can have Hawaiian Fruit Punch and cocaine. No poisoning allowed. Also, someone else needs to be the real cult leader because I can’t even manage to keep a hamster alive, much less an entire cult. I nominate Sarah Silverman, who is probably going to be my best friend in 2010 if Nicole the Intern doesn’t fuck it up.
- Nicole the Intern was promoted for forward momentum in Operation: Breaking Into Sarah Silverman’s Apartment, then was very nearly fired for not realizing that vegetarian Alyssa Milano can’t be bribed with brisket. We can’t afford these kinds of mistakes, Nicole.
This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
This week on shit-I-didn’t-write-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
- CNN gets it wrong again
- 140 bloggers submitted words of encouragement to Anissa, (our friend, cult member, and lover of all things boobie) who is fighting to recover from a stroke that would have killed a lesser woman. End result? This video, which totally makes me cry.
I’m so glad I’m in your cult. The other ones are just too boring. Plus I have to give them 10% of my life, and it seems like you demand far less than that. Although I’d actually give you about 30% if you ask nicely. Maybe. I mean, you do have James Garfield. He’s worth at least 28%.
.-= juliejulie´s last blog ..The One About the Book Deal =-.
This is my kind of cult.
.-= DraftQueen´s last blog ..How the Princess invaded my iPod. =-.
I think the whole point of having a cult is so that you can eventually kill off all your followers anyway. So, consider the hamster your beta cult. 🙂
Happy New Year, Bloggess!
.-= Grey Street Girl´s last blog ..Post Christmas Projects =-.
Vegetarian or not, anyone can be bribed with a brisket.
.-= Steve´s last blog ..#113 Quantum Santa =-.
I am reading this. So I must be a cult member. But we need to compromise – I’ll keep the hamster alive IF you spike my Hawaiian Punch with purple Mt. Dew. Those are my terms. Oh and one more: I can’t do the cocaine. I’ve lost too many brain cells already, lol.
.-= Gabrielle Valentine´s last blog ..Perhaps Our Constitution Should Have Even More Rights. Maybe, Just Maybe, It Was Written In Small, Rushed, Secret Meetings and, IDK, Human Men Who Wrote It Via Divine Inspiration Left Out One or Two Things Because They Were Anxious and Nervous Because, oh, IDK, THEY COULD BE MURDERED If They Were Found Writing Such A Document. STRANGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED. =-.
Must…succumb…to…the…cult…of…Jenny.Cannot…resist!!
Give up on SS. I’ve been reading her tweets for weeks now and I’ve decided the funniest thing she even did was to f**k Matt Damon (which might be the funniest thing anyone has ever done). She’s over rated. I think we should all turn our attention to worshipping Walter Matthau. But that may be the Vicodin talking. I heart you Jenny, don’t ever change.
The artificial virginity hymen? Yeah, that’s why the Internet was invented.
.-= meredith groenevelt´s last blog ..Average Lane, Hollywood CA =-.
I only had one check box left on the TJ’s Big List of Ways I Have Yet to Disappoint My Mother.
Join a cult (deliberately or inadvertently). Check.
Before you go and feel bad for me, however, that gives me my FIRST check box on my Can You Do One Thing, Just One Damn Thing, To Make Your Mother Proud? List
How about finishing something you start for once in your damn life? CHECK. I finished off TJ’s Big List of Ways I Have Yet to Disappoint My Mother.
Thank you, Bloggess!
.-= TJ´s last blog ..December 27, deep in the irritability zone =-.
Wait…WHAT HAPPENED TO JESUS?!
.-= Kristine´s last blog ..(Unplugged) =-.
you say “cult” like it’s a bad thing. I’m a proud Bloggess Cult member.
Must…succumb…to…the…cult…of…Jenny.Cannot…resist!!
Give up on SS. I’ve been reading her tweets for weeks now and I’ve decided the funniest thing she even did was to f**k Matt Damon (which might be the funniest thing anyone has ever done). She’s over rated. I think we should all turn our attention to worshipping Walter Matthau. But that may be the Vicodin talking. I heart you Jenny, don’t ever change.and that’s definately not *just* the drugs talking.
Do you serve beer?
I can only be a part of cults that serve beer.
Seriously.
.-= WildlyBland´s last blog ..Because Doesn’t Every Christmas Eve Require Therapy? =-.
Proud cult member! And that video totally makes me cry too.
.-= BlondeBlogger´s last blog ..A Spectacular Christmas =-.
About your 10 non-refundable gifts post: I would rather own the Etsy Vagina Dentata than the pink/sparkly/featuring a giant bow on the front/looks like a shower cap knit cap (with matching scarf!) that I received this year. At least I can put out the vampire vagina on display when I have guests coming over who I don’t particularly like…
As for the other stuff on the list -I thought edible nipple tassels were as ridiculous as it got. I’m so sheltered…
.-= Erika from The Pastry Chef At Home´s last blog ..Chocolate Chestnut Cake from The Greatest Cooking Show of Our Time =-.
Where do I sign?
Also, is this like one of those hand-over-all-my-assets cults, and if so, what if I don’t have any assets other than $3.17 in ready cash and my fabulous hair and reasonably good wrists and ankles?
Proud cult member here and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
.-= melistress´s last blog ..Sparkles Make Everything Better =-.
I think you might be missing the bigger picture here – the part where *because* of us, Alyssa Milano realizes that she doesn’t want to be a vegetarian anymore because the brisket we made is just THAT DELICIOUS and then she’s so grateful for us turning her over to the dark side that she gives us a pair of Sarah’s dirty underwear. Or something.
.-= Nicole The Intern´s last blog ..christmas brunch, midgets, and things my aunt keeps in her bra =-.
Oh, God! My mother is gonna freak. I have gone and joined a cult.
You seriously have an intern? I thought you were kidding about that. LOL.
Seriously. I am a proud wine slushie drinking cult member!
Umm, Jenny, you’ve linked to an article on MSN that is entitled, “Twitters Every Women Should Follow.” Do they have editors over there anymore? And does that even count as a backlink? I think they might be the ones to investigate regarding a cult.
.-= abdpbt´s last blog ..Internet, This Is Edie; Edie, This Is The Internet =-.
Yeah wine slushies but I don’t have to wear a robe or black sweat pants and Nike tennis shoes, right?
.-= linlah´s last blog ..trazillion photos =-.
Why not LSD? It’s like everyone forgot about LSD. We could run around pretending we’re cupcakes or unicorns or maybe even a cocktail glass full of wine slushie…
… and James Garfield is our cult’s mascot.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Naked cake should be outlawed =-.
Wine slushies? Best cult EVER.
.-= Erin´s last blog ..Lazy Blogging =-.
Are you sending the wine slushies or do I have to make my own? I’m kind of cheap.
I have been visiting my family in Florida for the past week and yesterday I caught my 13 year old brother muttering “For the love of James Garfield!” under his breath.
Always wanted to be in a cult- not the kill yourself kind though … finally got my wish– Yay Me!
Crying from the Anissa Love video so gotta go take a shower so I can blame it on soap in my eyes…
Love to Anissa –
Every good set of boobies should be so lucky to belong to someone like YOU!
From Dawn @ Dawneing.blogspot.com
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Someone actually said "Happy Christmas Day 2" to me yesterday and I thought, "Who the Hell made it into a Sequel? The original was painful enough!!!" =-.
Congrats on being on the Marie Claire list – not that I should be surprised, your stuff is fantastic!!
.-= Jolene´s last blog ..Ohana. =-.
I was actually a member of a cult. FOR SEVENTEEN NON-SEXY YEARS. I’ll help you.
.-= Mr Lady´s last blog ..I Also Believe in the Lock Ness Monster, and That The Government Killed JFK. Sue Me. =-.
Wine Slushies? I’m in! Now I now what to do with that screw top wine my mom insists on buying.
.-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..How Do You Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions? =-.
Oh, great. Now I have to make a gingerbread house, AND Google “brisket,” because I’m not entirely sure what that is. But I’m totally in for the wine slushies. Also, I totally would’ve been a better intern than Nicole, but I guess interns are supposed to be younger than you are, and I’m… not. Plus she pulls in the 20-something crowd, and they’re awesome cult members.
.-= Lori´s last blog ..I’m Only A Grinch Till I Get Stuff =-.
I like the idea of us readers being in a cult. Your cult. Not just any old cult, those old cults are so dull and unoriginal. I nominate James Garfield to be in charge of all of our meetings.
.-= Stephanie L´s last blog ..Calves are only good for brushing =-.
I’m so proud to be one of the few Michiganders who didn’t even apply to U of M. I feel good now 🙂
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..Queer Eyes for a Walmart Shopper =-.
Dear Jenny,
Your intern is totally hot. Is it ok with you if I go out with her? I figured I should probably get permission. I’m not sure why but it seemed like the gentlemanly thing to do. Anyway I suppose you’ve probably got pretty high intern-dating standards so here’s some basic info:
6′ tall
185 lbs
Short dark hair, usually a little bit styled
Former competitive swimmer, current gym rat
Math/Computer Science double major, currently working on my masters and two bachelors at the same time
No smoking or drugs
So what do you think? I figure I totally have a chance if you give the ok.
Geoffrey
OH YEAH. I can totally swing dance like a mofo. I teach too, so if either of you want to learn I’ll totally teach you. And Victor too. Then at parties you can throw on some Cherry Poppin’ Daddies and bust out with crazy moves and everyone will be in awe. And then me and Nicole will come out and do it too and everyone will be like “I love all four of these people, lets buy them booze and marshmallows.”
So the point is, free booze and marshmallows.
Nicole, I think I’ve found you a husband.
Okay, so, while being your intern is The Best Thing That’s Ever Happened To Me, this Geoffrey business is a close second. In addition to being my boss, you are also now my official matchmaker. I will only accept dates that are pre-approved by The Bloggess.
And also I will only accept dates that involve free booze and free marshmallows.
And also I can fit my fist in my mouth, which you can feel free to mention to potential suitors.
.-= Nicole The Intern´s last blog ..christmas brunch, midgets, and things my aunt keeps in her bra =-.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Nobody told me Nicole The Intern can fit her fist into her mouth!
Jenny, I’m just like Geoffrey, except I’m shorter, heavier, my hair is long and grey, I can only dog paddle, I think gyms smell funny, I dropped out of college, I smoke, and drugs… well, you know.
I can’t dance, but i’ve got a cabinet full of liquor and I’m willing to buy a whole bunch of marshmallows.
Jenny, if you pick Geoffrey over me, then I’m willing to settle for Sarah Silverman, even though I doubt she can put her fist in her mouth. I assume your intern can make the arrangements.
Dude what was going on with Jesus?
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Did You Hit Your Head? =-.
yesssss
A cult which hands out wine slushies? Count me in.
~EdT.
.-= EdT.´s last blog ..My most-used iPhone apps =-.
i am in love with that post about cnn. I SHITTING LOVE IT! I LOVING SHIT IT!
.-= Alicia @ bethsix´s last blog ..Gangsta Ants =-.
Guys, get a room.
I love kool aid.
And wine.
And Sarah Silverman.
Sign my ass up.
Also, the rest of me.
.-= Well Read Hostess´s last blog ..Viva La Resolutions! =-.
What kind of person gives their seven year old a mohawk and dyes it green? That kid would have gotten his ass handed to him at my elementary school. What the hell, Texas? Is it okay to dye kid’s hair green in Texas? Why? That’s a terrible idea. Also, if you did it because your kid asked you to, that’s just bad parenting. I’d be all “NO YOU CAN’T DYE YOUR HAIR GREEN AND CUT IT INTO A MOHAWK, I DON’T WANT OTHER PARENTS TO THINK I’M RAISING A SCENE KID/FUTURE WARD OF THE STATE. Now eat your peas so mommie’s blood pressure doesn’t make her eyes bleed again. YOU DON’T WANT MY EYES TO BLEED, DO YOU?”
Also, I’d be a pretty terrible mother…
I just realized that kid may or may not have cancer and his mom was just dying his hair green to cheer him up because it’s all going to fall out when he has chemotherapy. Why don’t you give us relevant information like the kid in the ugly hair has leukemia and not to make fun of his mohawk because it’s going to fall out next week? Except that he’s going to have green hair falling out of his head and that’s a terrible idea. Possibly LIFE RUINING. So, I stand by my earlier statement that his parents are bad people and are going to hell for dying their kid’s hair green. Just because he has cancer, that’s no reason to dye his hair green. Unless he doesn’t have cancer, in which case his parents are TWICE as obnoxious.
But I’m an dick taco either way.
I had to comment on this, as from you gingerbread house pic you’d appreciate it. My husband has that same unicorn set, but he put it together in a very different way. All the people that come with it look like they are committing weird (and yet hilarious) sex acts with the unicorn. He put it on our Thanksgiving table to see if anyone would notice or comment. They didn’t. *sigh* We need new family members, ours suck.