me: I’m dying.
Victor: You’re not dying. You have a cold.
me: I have hemorrhagic fever.
Victor: Did you just make that up?
me: No, I’m deadly serious. First of all, I have a fever, and last night I had a nosebleed, and now my teeth are bleeding.
Victor: I’m pretty sure teeth can’t bleed.
me: My gums then. Whatever. The point is that I’m hemorrhaging internally. Probably to death.
Victor: I think you’re confusing hemorrhagic fever with gingivitis again.
me: I don’t have gingivitis.
Victor: Well you also don’t have hemorrhagic fever.
me: It feels kind of like the Ebola Virus. But like, totally worse.
Victor: Where are all the forks?
me: I think I’m bleeding out of my eyeballs.
Victor: Try to do it over the sink. Seriously, why don’t we ever have any clean forks?
me: My nose just fell off.
Victor: Why are all these dirty dishes in the washer? Why would you go to the trouble of loading the dishwasher and not just start it?
me: I can’t feel my legs.
Victor: Great. Now we have no forks. Way to go, hon.
me: My heart just stopped and now I’m craving brains.
Victor: And of course we don’t even have plastic forks. If you use all the damn plastic forks you need to tell me so I can buy more.
Victor: How the fuck am I supposed to eat spaghetti with a spoon?
me: *gurgle* * associated sounds of decomposition*
Victor: Motherfucker. So I guess I’ll have to go buy the forks since you’re too sick?
Victor: Fine. I’m taking your car. I’ll be back in a bit.
Disclaimer: Only the first few sentences of this post have actually happened. The rest is a reenactment of what I assume will happen later this afternoon when Victor realizes that we don’t have any forks and I die of spite neglect whatever made those Nazi’s explode at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I’m pretty sure that was hemorrhagic fever too.
Comment of the day: Just be thankful it’s not *Hemorrhoidic* Fever. Cleaning up exploding brains would be the LEAST of your worries. ~ moooooog35
103 thoughts on “If I wake up as a puddle of blood tomorrow he’s going to feel really bad.”
Read comments below or add one.
.-= Sharkey!´s last blog .. =-.
I saw 0 comments and thought it must be the apocolypse.
I think your real problem was opening that ark of the Covenant.
.-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..I love you people asking me questions. =-.
.-= Pani´s last blog ..panique: http://16.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ktjm68a0QH1qzkgk7o1_500.jpg Yes. =-.
Sounds more like you’re turning into a zombie. Can you turn into a zombie from hemorrhagic fever?
.-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Hump Day Humor: Never a Year Like ’09 =-.
Don’t open lost Arks!
Stick with safe already found Arks that are catalogued properly.
.-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..I love you people asking me questions. =-.
That’s definitely hemorrhagic fever. I saw it on the interweb. And also on TV.
You’re probably contagious. You’d better quarantine yourself now, before your face melts off.
Oh man, you totally have the same thing the Nazis had in Raiders of the Lost Arc! I hope that doesn’t spread electronically and get us all sick.
Good lord, that would be a massive zombie uprising… Of really weird people…
Ah well, if it happens, it happens. I’ll start carrying a flask of A1, just in case I start craving people meat.
.-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..KeepingYouAwake: My first performance singing in the car today shall be Billy Joel – For the Longest Time. Be glad twitter doesn’t have sound. =-.
My husband and I have the dishwasher argument all the time.
He can hit start too you know!
.-= Midwest Mommy´s last blog ..Because I’m smarter than a cookie. =-.
Sounds to me like you’ve acquired the dreaded Mexican pig AIDS.
You will be dead soon.
Can I have James Garfield? It’d be best if you shipped him now before you die.
I pray for amoebic dysentery because if I live, I’ll totally be thinner.
.-= Crissy´s last blog ..Hey! You should probably come and look at this maybe. =-.
I’ve heard that hemorrhagic fever is caused by inadequate levels of alcohol in the blood stream.
Your body is BLEEDING for a drink.
.-= WildlyBland´s last blog ..Because Doesn’t Every Christmas Eve Require Therapy? =-.
I kinda thought maybe Victor was looking for a clean fork to stick in his eye or maybe murder you with, but that makes no sense- Why would he want to murder you?
.-= Ariel´s last blog ..In which she shares her embarrasment =-.
i don’t know why, but i always picture victor as asian.
.-= holly´s last blog ..izzyellmanspay: most fascinating to me is that karl rove found/convinced someone to marry him period. http://bit.ly/8kH9ed =-.
Wait.. the Nazi’s explode at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark?!
.-= kittay skeezah´s last blog ..It’s Snowing! =-.
Be sure to include anthrax, too.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Things That I Will Ban When I Rule The World. =-.
Oh, good. So next time my periodontist claims I have gingivitis, I’ll can correct the record. Hemorrhagic fever. Way better. Thanks!
.-= Amy@UWM´s last blog ..Just Couldn’t Help Myself =-.
Bleeding gums? Sounds like scurvy. Get some oranges, stat!
.-= middle-aged-woman´s last blog ..If I Post This to Facebook, Does it Make A Circular Reference Error? =-.
Gosh I thought I was the only one who craved brains. And fresh placenta.
Just thank your lucky stars you weren’t bleeding out of your anus. That’s never a fun time. Never.
.-= BrilliantSulk´s last blog ..The Aftermath =-.
hahahahahahaha. awesome. you never fail to make me laugh out loud for real. yea, i spelled it out
.-= Tatyana´s last blog ..Woooooo!!! =-.
you might remind victor that forks are *more than* suitable for stabbing people. “walk softly and carry a big fork”, that’s what i always say. well, ok, i rarely say that at all, but you get the idea.
next time, though, could you please die from a disease i can spell? or maybe get a “the h-fever from h-town” kinda thing going. if not for me, do it for the children: they can’t make get well cards for diseases they can’t spell. oh! and please don’t be a nazi. that’s problemly not good for children either.
get well soon, being sick sucks.
Big Forking Deal!
Next time Victor gives you grief about dying, tell him to Fork Off.
I should say, “If” since he didn’t actually give you the doubt on the first occassion.
.-= Ed Adams´s last blog ..Tuesday Quickie… =-.
I had that SAME F%*&ING COLD last week on MY birthday. We must be cursed. Thankfully, I didn’t explode but it sure felt like I was going to.
We don’t have any forks either even though I”m “technically” done being sick. Tell Victor to dig one out of the dishwasher and hand wash it. duh.
I think gingivitis causes death. Good luck.
Why did you marry a man that can’t eat spaghetti with a spoon? Geez.
.-= MinivanSoapbox´s last blog ..Year End Close Out! Everything Must Go! =-.
Definitely en route to becoming a martyr.
Hope you’re feeling better soon…maybe you could muster up enough energy to start the dishwasher, though. You wouldn’t want Hailey to be armed only with dirty forks when you turn into a zombie. Do it for the children…
.-= a´s last blog ..Turns out, I’m not as good at complaining as I thought I was =-.
Seriously, why can’t you just start the dishwasher. How annoying :~D
.-= Jim Gaudet´s last blog ..The Fun Theory =-.
i would think victor could wash a damn fork himself, and maybe make you some chicken soup while he’s at it
.-= dina´s last blog ..Reflections 2009 =-.
This is my “week off”. Actually more like “MY week ON”. I reevaluate who I am, what I can do, what I’m not doing, where I want to go, who I want to be. I read, listen to music, write, reconnect with myself. I haven’t read blogs for months and months, and I haven’t blogged myself in at least that long… So, I was deleting lots of blogs off of my list of those I follow… In order to stay, this year – it needed to be a blog that after reading it, I feel more creative. I read until your nose fell off. You are SOOOOO on the list that stays…
Tell Victor to pick up some dental floss while he’s out. Couldn’t hurt. Might help the tooth bleeding but probably not the eyeball bleeding. It’s a start.
.-= Andrea´s last blog .."Vagabond" =-.
Damn it Jenny, what have I told you about having hemorrhagic fevers without any clean forks in the house?! And who the hell told about those Nazis having it? That’s what happens when Nazis have hemorrhagic fevers without any forks in the house. They get killed by magic boxes and turn into Zombies who crave brains. I have to wonder why they don’t just crack their own heads open and eat their own brains, though. I mean…they’re dead already, it’s not like they’ll DIE without their brains. And now I want to find a zombie and see if they can eat their own brains.
.-= Mireyah Wolfe´s last blog ..This is the Year that…uhm…is ending =-.
At least get some blood on the new plastic forks before you die, that will show him!
Tell Victor it would be a lot faster if he just washed a fork.
I’m pretty sure those signs and symptoms are consistent with the clap.
Is this your first Mancold?
.-= Marinka´s last blog ..Huge Motherhood in NYC Revelations! =-.
Dang! Where was the spoiler alert for Raiders of the Lost Ark!?
You are extra-pregnant.
.-= magda´s last blog ..Losin’ It. Lost it =-.
When I get hemorrhagic fever I just use some Tucks pads and Preperation H. Works like a charm.
.-= William´s last blog ..Chest Thumping =-.
You’ll be glad for those forks when you can no longer resist the urge to eat brains. You know, cause, it would just be rude to eat brains with the wrong utensil. Now MY brains hurt.
.-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..A Plea for Brandy =-.
See, this is why I always keep a few sporks from Wendy’s laying around.
So I don’t get hemorrhagic fever.
.-= LiLu´s last blog ..In Which There Is Absolute Proof I Am NOT Adopted. =-.
Just be thankful it’s not Hemorrhoidic Fever.
Cleaning up exploding brains would be the LEAST of your worries.
.-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Kissing Under the Foot of War with my Facebook Friends =-.
I’d go with spontaneous combustion.
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..Courtyard Surprise =-.
Husbands just don’t understand.
I can’t believe that Victor is going to make you start the dishwasher. In the future. When you’re sick. On YOUR Birthday.
Thanks, Victor of the Future.
.-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Poems of Appreciation =-.
I’ve heard of that! He should take you more seriously!
.-= Court´s last blog ..Kaleo and I- Our First Argument Involves A Fart Machine =-.
The good news is that you typically don’t need a fork to eat brains.
.-= Steve´s last blog ..Perihelion Fundraiser =-.
Glad you’re feeling good enough to write. Tell Victor to buy some sporks. Two for one baby…two for one.
.-= Amy´s last blog ..It’s Like My Eyeball’s Stuck on Replay =-.
IF that’s what happens, you should hide your car keys and suggest that he wash a fork. Like in the sink. Like, RETRO. And make you some brain soup.
.-= Zoeyjane´s last blog ..On nodding off =-.
I had that coldobviouslyhemortragic fever thing. It waits until I get a little bit better and then it comes back. I must be an entertaining host.
.-= Suzy´s last blog ..I’m A Horrible Person =-.
I’ve waited patiently for you to turn over that magnificent pigboarweregoat head that you call James Garfield.
You have an hour to initiate the shipping process – your eminent death notwithstanding.
I am not above coming over and stealing him myself but then you’d have to tell me where exactly it is that you live and being the worldly-inner tube expert-blog type person that you are you probably won’t tell me and I’m too lazy to figure out how to web-stalk you and I really hate the cold so I probably won’t go outside today unless of course the ice cream truck rolls by but I doubt that’ll happen so perhaps it’d be best for all concerned if you just gave in and mailed me that damn pig thing.
There isn’t some sort of “else” coming. I just really really really want James to live with me. Don’t tell my wife she said no already but I’m certain once she sees him in person/pig/weregoat she’ll change her mind.
Oh no! Are your eyeballs going to melt artificially out of your sockets?
LMAO! You make me laugh. real hard…
.-= Shop with Me Mama (Kim)´s last blog ..Winner’s of the Rosa Premium Fudge!!!! =-.
If you are having a migraine too…..then, I got’s what you gots problemly. Seeing double is good when it concerns wine slushies.
Fork? Spoon? Didn’t Victor ever learn to eat with his hands? I’m CERTAIN he knew how at a very young age – just ask his mom. No, forget it, that sounds too much like work. Tell him that dishwashing is a unisex function, and that you need some TLC, besides.
You do make me laugh, even when you’re sick. Thanks!
.-= Peg Cherre´s last blog ..Christmas Weaving Revealed =-.
You are simply awesome. When I read your posts I feel being married won’t be that bad after all.
.-= eternaloptimista´s last blog ..The Excess Baggage =-.
Victor could use a lesson on proper etiquette… nobody says “spaghetti” anymore – it’s called “pasta”.
(feel better! like right now)
.-= Simone´s last blog ..Television shows that will change your life =-.
Way to give away the end of Raiders in case I hadn’t had a chance to watch it yet (in the last 30 years).
You can totally kill someone / stab yourself in the eye with a dirty fork, but that would be unhygienic.
PS – Happy Birthday! Maybe Victor got you forks for your birthday. Or a cleaning person to press start on the machine.
.-= My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..Quote of the day =-.
Whew….I am glad you threw that disclaimer in. I was getting worried! 🙂
.-= calgarydaddy´s last blog ..Christmas With Our Fur-Babies! =-.
Please tell Victor to make you a Wine/Nyquil slushie. You will be up throwing forks and knives, I mean washing forks and knives in no time.
Feel better. 🙁
.-= Lookie Lou´s last blog ..Have a Heart! =-.
Thought of this post when Pandora played this for me just now…
Perfect for your new life as a Zombie.
.-= Sherry Carr-Smith´s last blog ..Bruised Ego, Bruised Foot, Bruised Heart =-.
I’m going to have to agree and say it must be spontaneous combustion.
I honestly just tried to spell combustion as cumbustion. Oh Freud, where are you?!
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..Stevie Wonder and the amazing 6-pack neck =-.
Yeah, you’ve got like one of the best husbands in the world, but for godsakes man it IS way faster to wash a fork yourself, AND to start the dishwasher while you’re standing there looking at it and complaining. I mean, God, what are going to do, Victor, when Jenny’s gone from the hem-or-a-gicky thingy fever? Buy plastic forks by the case? YOU’RE KILLING THE PLANET VICTOR!
Oddly enough I had to eat spaghetti and a salad this weekend with a spoon because we also ran out of clean forks and were out of plastic ones. It can be done but what a challenge. BTW, I wasn’t at your house was I?
Hope you recover soon. The blogosphere would be ever so dull without you. 🙂
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..GAS =-.
If it makes you feel any better, most people have gingivitis. So you probably do too. Happy birthday.
(and feel better!)
I’d rather eat brains than have a nosebleed. And it’s kinda unfair that you’re funny even when you’re sick.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..I love to eat; maybe even more than breathing. =-.
I’m pretty sure hemorrhagic fever is caused by eating with dirty forks.
If Victor is going to buy silverware, tell him to get sporks instead. You know, 2-4-1 and all that good stuff.
.-= EdT.´s last blog ..Hassle-free flying =-.
Don’t get sporks!!! My sister brought those evil utensils of destruction back from a land down under years ago, and they have mutilated everyone that attempted to eat with them. They look all cute and shit, but one side of the “spoon” part has a knife ground into it. You’ll get all Joker-faced from eating with them!!!
I, too, have the ebola virus thingie, and my doctor gave me codeine cough syrup to keep me compliant while my brains explode. There are worse ways to die.
I seriously had tears running down my face. This shit is hilarious!
My house is similar to this, I could fall off my death bed and everyone would just step over me….. while complaining that they don’t have clean underwear.
.-= Larissa´s last blog ..New Years Resolutions… =-.
That would be so cool if you turned into a zombie and then all of your blog posts were from a zombie’s point of view. Then we could make a movie out of it. It might be kind of boring though since all you’d say is “braaaaiiinnnsss” and we’d have to tie you to a chair so you wouldn’t bite Victor or you child.
On second thought, bite Victor. Go ahead. James Garfield will look after your kid.
.-= Stephanie L´s last blog ..Dinosaur Ninjas =-.
Everyone knows you have to chop up the spaghetti with the spoon to make it edible – you know like that shit Master Chef Boyardee calls spaghetti – the one in the can?
ps: you could have avoided this whole dying slowly thing if only you flossed more often. Silly rabbit.
.-= Erika from The Pastry Chef At Home´s last blog ..Afternoon Tea (and Scones) for The Queen in You =-.
I had no idea you were such a wimp.
Whenever I read the word “gingivitis” (ha! or type it, too!) I hear it in an booming echoey deep dark Wizard-of-Oz-Before-He-Comes-Out-From-Behind-The-Curtain voice. Or James Earl Jones.
So I “hear” Victor saying it like that, and then “hear” you being all feeble and all except when you get to “GINGIVITIS”.
Oh my gawd. This makes less and less sense the more I type. End this…
.-= harmzie´s last blog ..And to all a good night… =-.
Don’t you dare fucking die Jenny….I’m not even joking!
Because then….what will I read?
.-= BlackBird´s last blog ..Eating Beans Alone With NO Sex…! =-.
Man, sounds serious – get well soon, girl! I LOVE your blog. When my fella hears me giggling randomly on the web, he’s getting to know it means I’m checkin out the bloggess! But please tell me, seriously, you guys do actually know you can wash a couple of forks by yourselves, right? The default ‘oh crap, I forgot to set the dishwasher running’ response doesn’t have to be to buy plastic forks! It’s called a sink, and it takes less time than it takes to put them in the dishwasher and press start. Yep. We Europeans are soooo retro-eco-cool!
Happy 2010 to you, Victor, Hailey. And James Garfield.
People who leave one word comments like, “yay!” or “LOL” deserve hemorrhagic fever. It’s douchebagy to leave useless crap like that on other people’s blogs JUST so you’ll get a few mercy clicks over to your neck of the woods. (that’s why I’ve left like, 40+ words here… that makes me less of a douchebag by about 40%. Now THOSE are great fucking stats.)
PS, for your doting husband- you can totally eat spaghetti with a spoon- two words: chop n’ scoop.
.-= sandyb´s last blog ..Resolutions are for people who can’t figure out that Cindarella is ruining your life. =-.
We (hubby Don Crowder and I) made you a favicon for your site. Here’s where to go get it and what to do with it.
Sorry, forgot to add the link. I always do that. *sigh*
Oh no. The only thing worse than zombies is zombies with gingivitis…
Just a thought, but maybe start the dishwasher and then you won’t have to struggle with Victor as much through the throes of your hemorrhagic fever.
.-= Robynn´s last blog ..I Am Horrible. =-.
Damn girl, you got the H2N2 virius … aka Zombie-itis …
Try Lookie Lou ‘s Nyquil/wine slushies …. sounds like that may be a winner!
Chugs and Cheers! Feel better soon!
I am seriously crying….very funny!
.-= Stephanie @ Geezees´s last blog ..from baby to mommys little girl .. 3 years in the making …. Happy 2010 =-.
i have one word for victor: spaghetti-o’s.
Well, it was only matter of time before someone would have no choice ut to shoot you in the head.
.-= Angela´s last blog ..Reconnecting String =-.
Nope, I’m pretty sure you’re dying. It’s Ebola. It’s been going around. I’m pretty sure I had Ebola last week. Take “Wellness Formula”, it works.
.-= Busted Kate´s last blog ..Bleeping Appreciation: Giveaway #2 =-.
It totally is hermoragiwhatsit fever, the number one on leading cause of zombies. I should know. I watch Grey’s Anatomy.
My husband drinks his spaghetti…he’s Hawaiian though so it kind of makes sense.
.-= Mama Kat´s last blog ..Writer’s Workshop: SPEECH!!! =-.
Don’t die! Please!
.-= The Expatresse´s last blog ..Old Friends =-.
You can totally eat Spaghetti with a spoon…
.-= Eric´s last blog ..Not Much =-.
Breathe all over Victors pillow. Wash the big ole baby a fork, then lick it. Spit a bit ‘o blood on the handle on his underwear drawer. That’ll teach him. Then, get well. Go have a drink. Revenge, baby.
.-= Martie´s last blog ..Low Maintenace VS High Maintenace… =-.
Holy crap! Hemorrhagic fever is scary. You should probably be in isolation, not loading the dishwasher.
Tell Victor when he is out buying plastic forks he should probably get some gloves, gowns, shoe and leg coverings, and a faceshield or goggles. You don’t want him to get it, otherwise there won’t be anyone to wash the forks.
Good luck. Hope you feel better.
.-= OhSweetSara´s last blog ..It’s Because No One Ever Told Me When Stuff Would Happen =-.
I was SOOO going to do the Body Electric exercise thing AFTER I read your blog, but I almost peed my pants from laughing- not at you, at Victor- or Future Victor, so strenuous exercise – not a good idea.
And then I realized that my family is exactly the same… only worse! I have 4 adult-like people living here with me and NONE of them ever hit the on button on the dishwasher… but they all eat with those dishes, right?
The lesson is: IF you get sick, make sure the dishes, and the laundry, are clean BEFORE you die… or it could be that your family is a thankless, spoiled lot (like mine) but then you have to admit you are the one that made them that way in the first place… so never mind.
Feel Better soon… and drink more wine slushies… I hear they counteract the Zombie-Effect of the mutant virus.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Why am I thinking up New Year Resolutions I know I will never keep when I could be eating a big slice of pie? =-.
Well, the good thing with ebola is you die quickly so you’d only have to hear about Victor and his fork drama for one round, rather than his beating of the dead horse.
.-= traci´s last blog ..TFLN take 2 =-.
The scene where the Nazis melted freaked me out when I was little, and I thought my own offspring would be scared, so I’m all, when this happens, it’s fake, they are clay or something, people don’t really melt that fast, etc. They weren’t the LEAST BIT freaked out out about it. So I guess, I kids today- gross melting people is no big deal, but leave the water running while you brush your teeth and they freak out like you wouldn’t believe.
.-= LS´s last blog ..Preparing for Resolutions =-.
PS: I once used my ex husbands tooth brush to clean the baseboards in my kitchen. He got sick 2 days later with a cold. He recovered quickly but I felt great thinking I had something to do with his misery. I then washed his toothbrush in the dishwasher to sanitize it. That time.
.-= Martie´s last blog ..Making Up Is Hard To Do… =-.
Don’t worry, in 28 days you will feel better. As for the rest of us…
.-= Dani´s last blog ..A Tale of Two Jerseys =-.
Your afternoon sounds a lot like my New Year’s Eve last night but without the acid to validate it. And you’re in the northern fricking hemesphere so your New Year’s Eve is still, like, days away. You’ve got *that* to look forward to. Fuck.
Oh. God. I just realized *I’M* Victor! My husband and I have had this exact conversation.
Ha! I had a similar experience once where he thought I was not sick so I drove myself to the hospital in the middle of the night! I was SO THANKFUL to be able to say I had been diagnosed with a diseased gallbladder. I showed him!
I have had this conversation. Verbatum I believe… and on multiple occasions. Then my mother decided she was sick of hearing my husband bitch, and she bought us forks. Like, 500 of them. I can’t even fit them all in my silverware drawer. But, I’m completely thankful because it keeps me from being bitched at for not starting the dishwasher. Or for that matter, even touching the dirty dishes. I’m lazy. And my mother is an enabler. I love her… A lot.
It’s mutaba. Definitely.