Dear Dr. Pepper: You’re a damn liar.

I just went to the store to get Diet Dr Pepper and I ended up standing there for like 10 minutes just staring at this because…um…what?

So is this "diet" or not? Because I'm confused. One of these things is a lie.

I even asked a clerk and he was all “Yeah, we didn’t understand that either.  We decided to put it on it’s own rack so people can make that decision for themselves” which was fine except they didn’t actually have any of the regular, less-confusing Diet Dr. Pepper and so I had to buy this.  Then when I got home Victor asked where I’d gone and I told him I went to the grocery store for Diet Dr. Pepper and he was all “You went to the grocery store and ONLY bought Diet Dr. Pepper?! WE HAVE NOTHING TO EAT IN THIS HOUSE!” and I was all “Okay, you need to stop yelling at me because just trying to find Diet Dr. Pepper was so baffling that it took me a damn hour!” and he was all “Trying? What do mean by ‘trying’?  So you didn’t even buy any diet Dr. Pepper?!”  And then I just walked away because I honestly. have. no. idea.

Comment of the day: Clearly the idea is, you’re SO confused that your brain works overtime to try and make sense of what just happened to you and all that extra brain work burns more calories and you lose more weight. So really, they’re doing you a favor.  I think you’re very ungrateful. ~ Bejewell

UPDATED: Oh holy crap, you guys. So apparently this post was feautured on Consumerist and also slashfood and that’s fine because the guy from Consumerist emailed me this morning and he totally understood that it was meant to be funny and I’m giving the chick from Slashfood the benefit of the doubt that she gets it too but there are a ton of commenters decrying the idiocy of people not being able to read cans properly and so I just wanted to point out that this whole blog is satirical. You making fun of it is like me making fun of “I Can Has Cheezburger” for not knowing how to use grammar correctly. I honestly don’t mind your negative comments but I feel bad that you’re wasting your time pointing out how dumb I am when technically I’ve already done that for you. Just to clarify, I’m not *actually* confused about whether diet Dr. Pepper is diet. I’m also not really planning on taking over the government during the zombie apocalypse and I don’t think Jesus wants you to do cocaine. I wasn’t serious when I proposed cutting fingers off hobos so I can use my iphone more effectively and I don’t actually suspect the Pope is a cannibal (although it is possible). Also, balancing a cat on your forehead as a form of a facelift is probably not *that* practical and I don’t actually think all ethical questions can be answered with stabbing or arson. These are all things I’ve written about recently that are technically way more ridiculous than this post. Honestly, there is a huge smorgasbord of dumb crap on this blog that you can make fun of. You don’t have to limit yourself to just this one post.  Also, for those of you who saying that this is my fault for confusing you because this post is not funny at all, I know that. That’s why there’s a warning right at the top of this post that says “No one thinks this is funny but me”.  I’m not judging you though.  Hell, I once spent an entire hour staring at a can of Dr. Pepper trying to decide if it was diet or not.

236 thoughts on “Dear Dr. Pepper: You’re a damn liar.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Also, is that an asterisk after “There’s nothing diet about it”? Like “There’s nothing diet about it… except for the fact that it is a diet drink. Other than that though, it’s pretty much exactly like eating lard.”
    .-= Allie´s last blog ..The Battle of Twitterloo =-.

  2. Wait. What? No. Did I forget English again? Is this a trick question? Why is this soft drink quizzing me?

    I mean I don’t even drink regular Dr Pepper all that often but this is offending me somehow.
    .-= K´s last blog ..Elbow-deep in chestal cavity =-.

  3. Ok, I found this quote by a Dr. Pepper rep:

    “There’s nothing diet about Diet Dr Pepper and we are doing everything we
    can to help America judge it themselves,” said Andrew Springate, vice
    president, Dr Pepper Brand Marketing. “Once people experience its rich,
    indulgent taste, they forget they’re enjoying a diet soda. It’s that good.”

    So basically, they’re trying to brainwash you. I’d change to a different brand immediately.
    .-= meghann´s last blog ..Cooking with Meghann 101: Chalupas =-.

  4. Isn’t it obvious? Alanis Morrissette is their new slogan writer. She managed a song about irony that contains not a single example of anything ironic. Now she’s making a diet drink with nothing diet about it. Given how ironic it is that she wrote a song about irony containing no irony, I think you can safely assume that her “nothing diet” diet Dr. Pepper is indeed diet. Problem solved.
    .-= MommyTime´s last blog ..Finding Fairyland =-.

  5. Don’t be hatin on the Pepper now! The good Dr. knows what ails you and will gladly fix you up all happy like so long a you remember to take his script at 10, 2, and 4.

  6. Dear Jenny. Maybe they mean there’s nothing diet about it because the current advertising campaign may just focus on young beautiful people who don’t need to diet. Rather than focussing on young beautiful people who do need to diet. This drink will embody the lifestyles of the young rich fabulous who don’t need to diet. Even though it’s a diet drink.

    Yep. That’s it.
    .-= Little Miss Moi´s last blog ..No flies on this one =-.

  7. My greatest worry is that I’ll read the news one day and it’ll say, “Tragedy struck in Houston, Texas when a woman and her husband spontaneously went berserk, unable to deal with each other any more, and spontaneously exploded. Parts of each were found all over their traumatized daughter, who was just trying to watch some cartoons.” Why does that worry me? Because how are you gonna introduce me and Erick Sermon at Blogworld 2012 if you’re pieces of viscera all over your daughter? Did you ever think about that? How *selfish*!

    In any case, my wife (who blogs in a somewhat crazy way) often asks me about whether or not I think the same will happen to us. I remind her of my personal ability to never explode, a familial trait, and she just rolls her eyes. The woman scoffs at weather, it’s madness.

    Anyhoo, drink up, the chemicals in the dye are way worse than any weight causing things in there. You’ll be fine.

  8. Did you also notice how much fatter the Diet letters are? I think they are trying to make us all fatter than we already are. Down with the Dr Pepper ! I don’t wanna be a pepper too.
    .-= Ter´s last blog ..Another new web site…. =-.

  9. I was just in the grocery store also and was totally hypnotized by the cupcakes…nothing diet about them either.

  10. I feel kind of weird and anxious about the fact that I have stared at that image for 20 minutes and remained confused nonstop. Like? Why am I still staring at it? I need a life.
    .-= sanya´s last blog ..Holden =-.

  11. I blame Dr. Dre. Clearly he suggested this new can after a long night of chillin’ with Snoop and eating those brownies he made with Martha Stewart. Fa shizzle. PS the can totally makes that noise when you pop it open.
    .-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..Fingernail Sweat =-.

  12. this had me cracking up! i just read it out loud to my husband and our roommate. they of course weren’t as amused as I was, but that’s because they lack the genius qualities we possess.

  13. Why is it short and fat? Will drinking it make you shrink too? Like, not in a ‘my waist is getting smaller’ way, more in a ‘holy fuck I’m lost inside my own pants’ type way.
    .-= Veronica´s last blog ..Growing up =-.

  14. So at Wal Mart, they have these no-name-brand drinks by the checkout. You know, there’s Big Red, and Big Blue, and Big Orange…and then there’s Squirt. That would be the lemon-lime version. Only instead of Big Lemon or something, they called it Squirt. You should definitely buy that though next time. THAT is marketing at it’s best.
    .-= Stephanie L´s last blog ..MOAR COWZ!! =-.

  15. Am I the only one more concerned about the impostor “Diet” soda intermingling with the Coke below it? Let’s hope it’s not contagious…

  16. Oh that’s easy, the can was on a diet, but lost weight, so the can is smaller, but since it lost weight it also lost calories, so there’s nothing “diet” left, but there had been, so it’s still listed, though it isn’t now. See? Easy! ;-D

  17. No wonder you were mesmerized! Nothing Diet About It, when decoded with a special ring, spells: To Behind Nougat Tit. I wouldn’t have bought it either.
    .-= mrsbitch´s last blog ..Oh, FFS! =-.

  18. There’s nothing diet about it because look at the size of those cans compared to the normal ones! They probably just filled it with regular Dr. Pepper, and put diet on it because you’re drinking less anyways, so maybe they’re gearing towards people who want to be healthy but who still like to drink pop/soda.

    That is just retarded adveritising. I never liked Dr. Pepper anyway.
    .-= Kayla´s last blog ..this is my last weekend before i start school again, and i’m spending all of it bowling, uhh, yup! =-.

  19. It’s not Diet Dr Pepper it Dr Pepper Diet so maybe that means that if you drink it you’re on a diet OF Dr Pepper and there’s nothing diet about that.

  20. MommyTime has it right. I’m sure this is some kind of Alanis Morissette trying to be ironic, but not ironic conspiracy.

    This Diet/Not Diet/Judge for yourself Dr. Pepper beverage will go down in history much like New Coke.

    Be like me; skip soda, especially diet with that horrid aftertaste, and drink coffee.
    .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Not Just Yet =-.

  21. Jenny, do not drink that shit. I’m not kidding, it causes neurological disorders (brain damage).

  22. The can is white so it is definitely diet, regular Dr. Pepper comes in the dark color (purply, berry colored?) cans, don’t read the blurb just sup it up. Not sure about the squat cans though, maybe better to hold and hurl through the air like hand grenades.
    .-= Mik´s last blog ..Open letter Emo couple =-.

  23. Other Diet Dr. Pepper catchphrases that didn’t make the cut.
    * It’s diet, but it will still make your teeth rot quicker than meth.
    * We made it extra diety because you probably need it.
    * I know it says Dr. Pepper, but I’m only a dentist. So, really, I win twice on you buying this; first when you buy the drink, second when you have to visit me for dental work for your rotting teeth. Also, you can’t really trust me on what’s diet and what’s not. After all, I’m only a dentist.
    * Selling regular soda in small cans makes it diet, right?

    – Gavin Johnson

  24. While the thought of Diet Dr [with no punctuation] Pepper is too horrific for me to fathom, if this is what makes The Bloggess so spectacular, then I embrace it.

    Do you think if I start drinking it I will become a Better Blogger, too?
    .-= The Expatresse´s last blog ..I’m All Shook Up =-.

  25. Okay, I’ve been thinking about this all night and it is now 2:00 AM, so bear with me because I had an epiphany – I think they’re trying to be all philosophical about it… like “reality is made up of what you believe, so what you believe is reality… (wind sound effects, possibly harp music here) Diet Dr. Pepper – there’s nothing diet about it… (more wind sound effects, harp music changes key)… on sale at your local K-Mart!”

    I think this actually makes less sense.
    .-= Allie´s last blog ..The Battle of Twitterloo =-.

  26. I am actually concerned about the Wal-Mart brand Squirt, since there is a name brand of soda called Squirt, which is more a grapefruit type soda. It isn’t available here in Maryland (or readily I guess, I don’t go out looking for it, but I can’t remember ever seeing it) but the Ruby Red Squirt is SOOO good and contains more caffeine than a lot of soft drinks.

    So if Wal-mart is branding their lemon lime soda as Squirt they are doing something wrong. Just don’t know what that is I guess.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Squirt_%28soft_drink%29

  27. Yeah…tried taking my Cherokee Pioneer (WAIT! – how did a Cherokee and Pioneer get together? Over Thanksgiving? I’m thinking the car would just, you know, try scalping itself and try taking it’s own land by force before you even got it out of the assembly line) to a Krispy Kreme and they gave me a fucking donut. Krispy Kreme. Donut. It was not cream. It was not crispy.

    Krispy Kreme: Just fucking with ya.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Twix or Tweets – Volume Two =-.

  28. Maybe “nothing diet about it” means no flatulence? It has me thinking. Sticking with diet coke I can read the cans…at LEAST for today.

  29. I think the idea is, you’re SO confused that your brain works overtime to try and make sense of what just happened to you and all that extra brain work burns more calories and you lose more weight. So really, they’re doing you a favor.

    I think you’re very ungrateful.

  30. Isn’t diet Dr. Pepper supposed to taste like the regular stuff anyway? You could buy the regular kind, and aside for the calories on your badonka-donk, you’d never know the difference… 🙂
    .-= katie´s last blog ..death be to volvo =-.

  31. Seriously, my husband and I had like a 10 minute discussion on this in the grocery store just the other day. We think it’s ridiculous, too. We grocery shop together. Insane, right? I know. .They totally should have stuck with their previous schtick of “tastes more like regular dr pepper” because that, at least, is true. It’s the least Diet tasting of all the diet soda brands, but don’t tell me there’s nothing about it that’s diet because then… what’s the point?
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Ten things =-.

  32. that can makes my brain hurt… but at least I know I’ll never have to worry about buying diet dr. pepper of any kind.. because isn’t that the stuff that turns into formaldehyde if it gets too warm???

    warm pop is gross- warm pop that turns into something that is poison if you drink it is just plain NASTY!!!
    .-= PottyMouthMommy´s last blog ..First day of school… =-.

  33. You all seem a bit confused. “Dr Pepper” isn’t a medical doctor. She has a Ph.D. in philosophy and she tends to just go by “Claire,” because she’s not big on titles. It only says “Dr Pepper” on the cans because it would be really unprofessional to simply put “Claire” on the labels. She makes soda because, well, do you have a better idea of what to do with a Ph.D. in philosophy? Do you?
    No, they won’t pay her for that.
    Anyway, her diet soda is based on the perception of dichotomies and their ultimate reconciliation, hence the slogan. I don’t understand it myself, but hey, whatever works for her.

  34. that’s like Better Cheddars, “better than what motherfuckers?”

    (that’s what the block of cheddar cheese in my shopping cart says to them whenever we go shopping. Yes, I take a block of cheddar with me everywhere I go. His name is Leon. Leon, the block of cheddar.)
    .-= possibly furiousBall´s last blog ..Rewards =-.

  35. umm, yeah, I think it’s some marketing thing. like it should be in the dessert aisle because it tastes real good but it’s diet. i drink it and think it tastes fine but the boyfriend drinks it and thinks it tastes like nutrasweet, so…
    .-= Maureen´s last blog ..My First Pot Roast =-.

  36. I would get all in an uproar for you, but let’s face it Dr. Pepper diet or otherwise taste like carbonated cheap cough syrup so the fact you even drink that shit should give you pause not just the fuzzy advertising.

    (doesn’t want to be a pepper too)

  37. A marketing person for Dr. Pepper or a Weather person. Two fantastic jobs that you never need to commit or be right, because no matter what you say, you are almost right. And if you are “wrong”, oh well, it’s not your fault, it’s just the way everyone else reads it.

  38. It’s just another in a long line of confusing Pepsi products.
    What the hell is Pepsi Max? I understand that it has more caffeine, but it is sweetened? Diet?
    What is Pepsi One, for that matter? Is it one calorie? It says zero calories on the bottle I saw. So, what is the One for?
    And don’t even get me started on Crystal Pepsi or Pepsi Spice.

  39. I don’t know why people trust Dr. Pepper after the whole Guns n’ Roses debacle of last year. It’s like Dr. Pepper just wants to keep fucking everyone over and over again.

  40. No No No J-Bird… You do NOT drink this fake shit…I mean c’mon look how hard its trying…thats just desperate…you chuck it at babies that stare at you or women that wink at your husband….you dont ACTUALLY drink it… (whispering in your ear).

  41. OMGWTFBBQ! What is wrong with Victor?!?! You live in a huge metropolis with literally thousands of other people who cook food and still more people to bring it to you! And he should thank his lucky stars that you came home from the store with the one thing you said you were going to the store for, I’m always like, “Shite, we’re out of Pull-Ups! Guess I have to go to Target!” And then three hours later I come home with a bunch of shit from the Dollar Spot, some Choxie no one will like but me, some overpriced Jones soda, and some HP ink I found a coupon for on the floor by the Choxie. But NO absorbent coverings for the butt that needs it most.

  42. PS: If I’m not sure something is diet or not, I always check for the little warning note for people who will die or get seriously effed up from ingesting NutraSweet. That makes it diet enough for me.

  43. If you’re too damn stupid to realize that it’s Diet Dr. Pepper…maybe you should move into an assisted living center and have someone else do your shopping for you.

  44. Dear John,

    Was your sense of humor surgically removed? If so, you might want to look into seeing if you can get it replaced. Why don’t you go do some research into whether that is possible…somewhere other than here. Kthanxbye.
    .-= Jo´s last blog ..I’m still alive! =-.

  45. If you’re to stupid to realize that it’s sarcasm….maybe you should stab yourself in the left eye three times then have someone repeat the aforementioned actions. Good day sir!

  46. John and stephen: If you’re going to come to someone’s blog and insult their intelligence, you should really have an editor look at your comments before you post them. Insulting someone’s intelligence with bad spelling and bad grammar just makes people think that, in addition to being an asshole, you’re an idiot.

    Hello, Jenny the Bloggess.
    .-= scott´s last blog ..The Pearly Gates Processing Center =-.

  47. People are idiots. The can says DIET on it in a pretty obvious manner. They can’t understand that the other phrase is a slogan? I can’t figure out if these people who are confused are just lain clueless or if they have way too much time on their hands and fill it by finding things to complain about. If this idiot who blogged about it really killed an hour in the store trying to figure it out, she needs to move to Guam since she is obviously lowering the IQ of this country.

  48. It is actually an intelligent test to see if you’re smart enough to look at the back of the can and see the zero calories per serving. How confusing!

  49. Are you serious??? I mean come on, it says diet twice on the can. Do you think if it was regular Dr. Pepper it would even say DIET at all? I don’t think so.

    And to spend an hour on it, plus spend time blogging about it. Dr. Pepper is not to blame. Anyone that drinks Diet Dr Pepper knows it is in a white bottle/can. Plus it has diet on it twice. I think your just confused.

    And some point out her blog is just sarcasm? I have to wonder and if it just humor, it is not that witty. But that is just my opinion.

  50. Hi, angry people. I just wanted to point out that Guam is part of America so I don’t think me moving there would help anything. Also, this whole blog is satire. You making fun of it is like me making fun of “I Can Has Cheezburger” for not spelling things properly. I totally don’t mind your comments but I feel bad that you’re wasting your time here pointing out how dumb I am when technically I’ve already done that for you. Just to clarify, I’m not *actually* confused whether diet Dr. Pepper is diet. I’m not really planning on taking over the government during the zombie apocolypse and I don’t think Jesus wants you to do cocaine. I don’t really propose cutting fingers off hobos so I can use my iphone more effectivley and I don’t actually think the Pope is a cannibal. Also, balancing a cat on your head as a form of a facelift is probably not *that* practical. These are all things I’ve written about in the last week or so that are technically way more ridiculous than this post. Honestly, there is a huge smorgasbord of dumb crap on this blog that you can make fun of. You don’t have to limit yourself to just this one post.

  51. If you call someone stupid because you mistake satire for reality, what does that make you? Uber-moron? I kind of like that.

    Why is Consumerist getting their news stories from a satirical writer anyway? That would be like going to The Onion for news- funny, but probably not a good idea to take it seriously.

    Oh well, your fans love you dearly Jenny dah-link!
    .-= Amber´s last blog ..In Place of a Real Post, on Which I am Desperately Behind =-.

  52. Jenny, don’t be frustrated. You are not alone. Those mad people are mad at your faithful followers too because we are creating a cult over here and they are not too happy about the whole satire thing. Well, I am not sure whether it is because they don’t like Satire or they just flat out don’t get satire. They actually call the office of The Onion and yell at them for getting the news wrong too. EVERY SINGLE DAY.

    As a matter of fact, there are flyers being passed out on the street that says, “Save the Citizen! Do not read The Onion. They get the news wrong!”

    You are mentioned in the Consumerist. Pretty cool, eh? ’cause these people now have to go yell at the Consumerist for being dumb also.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Forget about WTF Wednesday… =-.

  53. lol! fucking up your own burn, now THAT cracks me up.

    oooh can’t wait to read devolute´s last blog ..How to Smack My Bitch Up
    .-= angie´s last blog ..Sasha =-.

  54. I know it’s awful but this whole thing has made me howl all day – that people don’t get your humour and that they take the time to let you know how stupid they think you are…it’s a total hoot. Not as funny as the cat on your head stuff…but still…

  55. I recently bought one of those Pledge pet hair removers – ? The one you rub back and forth real fast to electrically capture the hair – ? It worked, but not like the picture. It showed like, one clean swoop on this dark couch and the part they just swooped was a completely different color. Like it was that good. Fuckers.
    .-= Jim Mitchem´s last blog ..Lying Like a Rug – Don’t Read This Post =-.

  56. Wait…you’re NOT planning on taking over the government during the zombie apocalypse? Fuck. That’s the whole reason why we’re moving to Texas. We wanted to be closer to the action.
    .-= corrin´s last blog ..Police Evidence =-.

  57. I think the confusion stems from your satire not being particularly funny. It is nice you found a niche writing for people with similarly weak taste in humor. Good luck with the whole poorly-written blog thing. [checked for grammar and spelling]

  58. I’ve decided that this whole Dr. Pepper debacle is really you trying to misdirect us so you can run around and kick of the zombie apocalypse and therefore take over the government. You, The Consumerist, and slashfood… it’s a conspiracy.
    .-= Starangel82´s last blog ..How Long Is Too Long? =-.

  59. Jenny, some important things of note:

    1. You should make fun of “I can has cheezeburger” because of their obsession with cats, and not because of their grammar problem. If James Garfield were on all the posts, this would be a genius idea. But he’s not. So it’s not.

    2. Someone has to run the government during the zombie apocalypse. Since I plan on leading a rebel human army, I vote for you. We should go ahead and take care of this now because the zombies could take over at any time now.
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..MOAR COWZ!! =-.

  60. Why is that can so small? Maybe it IS a diet drink since you can only drink half as much as a real can?

  61. People that don’t understand you should be part of some ‘Woe is me’ ‘Daddy didn’t love me-complex’ island.
    Like people who don’t appreciate bacon.

    Hmm….that’s gonna be a pretty big island.
    Maybe I should twitter that under #groups of people we should’ve disposed of in to make 2010 better.
    .-= Leesh´s last blog ..Thus far, a year of INGs =-.

  62. So, this post made me think of the off-brand soda I saw in Wal-Mart the other day. For the Dr. Pepper soda, the label read “Dr. Thunder.” I kid you not. Seriously? There are just so many things that can be said about this. Can you imagine them naming the soda in marketing and devising slogans? I think I need to return to Wal-Mart and buy a box of it just so that I can say I drank thunder in a can.

  63. Jenny,

    I love your site and your humour. It is brilliant, witty and a rare gem of intelligence in a world populated by imbeciles. I have found in my travels one truism that, well, comes true more often than not: The dumbest people are often the loudest and opinionated.

    So, don’t stress. Your work is very much appreciated by people who have something called a “clue” and when you finally write your book, I’m totally buying ten copies. Though you’ll probably have to shrink wrap the books because the kangaroo freight here in Australia usually leaves dry goods very moist due to pouch sweat.

    Hugs,
    -Thomas
    .-= Thomas´s last blog ..Customising a blog: an ongoing process =-.

  64. Ok, new things that I have learned today:

    1. You aren’t better than Mother Teresa. Apparently. Even though she is dead.
    2. Jesus won’t love me now that I did cocaine. Though I do think that there is some kind of “I didn’t know better at the time” clause.
    3. I am totally fucked when the zombies come.

    I… I need to go reevaluate some things.

  65. These comments have been cathartic. I am impressed with the depth of anger at being fooled into believing that you were serious about the original topic. It’s like watching Buddists getting drunk and swinging wildly at each other while holding flaming bags of offal.

    Bless you, Jenny the Bloggess. You’ve brought healing upon the world. Well, healing among drunken Buddists wielding flaming bags of offal.

  66. Dammit – how am I going to explain all the hobo fingers I have collected to use when I buy my iphone?

  67. Paul needs to get a sense of humor. Everone with a sense of humor knows this post was meant to be funny. I love your blog and I love Diet Dr. Pepper because it doesn’t taste like a crappy diet soda and I don’t get all that extra sugar I don’t need. It’s like it’s not even diet soda at all . . .
    .-= Cheryl´s last blog ..Since It’s Not Anthrax, I’ll Have To Go Shopping =-.

  68. Dear Jenny,

    I’m not sure if you know about Sarchasm but for those who do not, it’s the giant gulf (chasm) between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

    I’ll just say, you know what side you are on. Rest, do they really matter?
    .-= eternaloptimista´s last blog ..The Excess Baggage =-.

  69. oh oh…guess I better cancel that cat I ordered
    I love ya Jenny, you are one of the funniest people I read

  70. ZOMG! You mean the pope really *is* a cannibal? And I thought that transsubstantiation thing was just a rumor. Wow. I wonder if Jesus tastes like chicken?

  71. Wait. You *weren’t* serious about any of that stuff? Ah, crap. Now we’re all screwed when the zombies come. My belief system is completely shaken. You can’t be trusted. I bet you don’t even have any Eggo waffles for sale, do you? And without them, what will we all do during the Great Eggo Crisis??

    Just please tell me that the whole “kitten mittens” thing was a serious suggestion, okay? ‘Cause that was GOLDEN! xo

  72. HA! I can’t believe you had to write this! I think there are people who pay for internet specifically so they can look for things to take very, excessively literally. THEN they will have something to be irate about. I’m one of those people, and I’m still ticked off about the fact that my face doesn’t look any different, no matter how many times I balance a cat on my forehead.

  73. Oh, Jenny, Jenny. You are such a dear tempest in a teapot. Stirring up shit with the AOL foodies..what were you thinking? I thought AOL was for ppl who didn’t know how to use a computer. My aunt used to use AOL and she would have been better off spreading chia seeds on it and watering it. Now I find out they don’t know PC’s OR sarcasm. You learn something new every day. I do hope they have a good recipe for crow.

    Now, back to taking over the government… NASA is science and you do science project plus a lot more(BTW, I think the cat makes you look younger.) And you have dabbled in food and customer service. But I think the smart thing is not to split all your votes..go for the big one. GOVERNMENT!!!

    You, people do realize you can vote as many times as you want.

    Now get out there and vote!!!!

  74. It’s painfully obvious it is a diet drink.The manufacturer in a tongue and cheek way, is conveying the message that the drink doesn’t taste diet.

  75. The last line of your edit (“Hell, I once spent an entire hour staring at a can of Dr. Pepper trying to decide if it was diet or not.”) just about made me pee my pants from laughing so hard.

    And with the calories I burned laughing at this post and the fallout? I don’t have to worry if the Dr Pepper is diet or not! SCORE. Now I can instead wonder at what kind of idiot university gives a doctorate to a can of soda. Honestly.
    .-= Anne´s last blog ..Family Lexicon =-.

  76. I’m glad that the Consumerist guy didn’t take it seriously, but the article did kind of sound like he was. I figured he skimmed it and wasn’t paying attention to it or something. I’ve probably done that before.
    .-= LS´s last blog ..Nastiness and Skin =-.

  77. I see the Jay Leno fans are feeling empowered today, taking their lack of humor and attacking you with it. It can’t be a joke, right? I mean, it doesn’t start with “Knock knock”. Is there an Aspergers convention in town or something?

    Hello, Jenny the Bloggess.
    .-= scott´s last blog ..The Pearly Gates Processing Center =-.

  78. ugh! why touch anything that has the word Diet in the title anyway?
    you’ll get thin when the artificial sh!t kills you
    while you’re at it avoid the GM modified High Fructose Corn Syrup laced sodas and enjoy the old school taste of real cane sugar or (dare I even suggest it) drink water or a fruit smoothie
    .-= Offbeatmammal´s last blog ..With great power comes great responsibility =-.

  79. The can design is clearly designed to distract the consumer from the fact that the can is not a real doctor. And no one is walk out of their corner market with a sixer of Dentist Pepper, Jenny.

  80. I feel your pain. The sub-title of my blog is “… where nothing is sacred.” A couple of week’s ago I called Obama a “dickless wonder” for his lack of leadership on health care reform. Then I had to point out to people, “What part of ‘… where nothing is sacred’ don’t you understand?”

    And the marketing guys at Dr. Pepper are idiots.
    .-= injaynesworld´s last blog ..injaynesworld it’s "Sunday Recap" time… =-.

  81. Jenny, cool down.
    This even confirms your place in the history of media confusion.
    Diet Dr. Pepper is to you
    as
    War of the Worlds radio broadcast was to Orson Welles.
    (And no, that does NOT mean you are fat.)
    You rock.
    X
    Supa

  82. DO PEOPLE HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO BUT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT SOME B/S ON A CAN. IT CLEALLY SAYS “DIET”. YOU THINK THAT THEY WOULD SET THEMSELVES UP FOR A LAWSUIT. SOME PEOPLE JUST NEED TO GET A LIFE A QUIT GRIPPING ABOUT ALL THIS STUFF. JUST PUT A LITTLE COMMON SENSE BEHIND IT AND IT’LL COME TO YOU.

  83. rayray has a point. People need to get a life and stop gripping (I assume he means “griping”) about all of this stuff. How do you get a life? Well, take rayray, for example. Just troll around and leave angry comments on the blog posts of strangers. Choose posts you don’t get or understand. MAKE SURE TO USE ALL CAPS. rayray has a life, maybe you should get one.

    Thanks, rayray.
    .-= scott´s last blog ..The Pearly Gates Processing Center =-.

  84. regarding your quote: “No one thinks this is funny but me”
    you are wrong.
    i think this is freaking hilarious!
    YOU are freaking hilarious.
    this is wonderful! and the fact that it has gone this far? if you don’t get your own sitcom out of this then there is something wrong with this world and i don’t want to be a part of it. lol

    ps – the intelligent people get the ‘joke’
    *wink*

  85. Jenny, thats why you should have gone for the damn Root Beer. Root Beer would never have done this to you. Masses of Diet Dr. Pepper enthusiasts would never have gone out of their way to make themselves look stupid. Not over Root Beer.

  86. Based on the comments I’m seeing above, it has become abundantly apparent that the zombie apocalypse is upon us /NOW/. I believe I read somewhere that it begins with a stampede of idiots. And apparently, /none/ of them can spell.

    God. Help. Us. All.

  87. OMG I cant stop laughing.. they actually took this seriously!! You have a cat on your head and they took you seriously!! OK clearly this is another use besides “face lift” for the cat. It’s like wearing glasses, people think you are smarter (or more smart whichever will keep my 10th grade English teacher from crying). I am so wearing a cat to work tomorrow!!

  88. rayray, love. Please – calm down. Re-read the post. Now, go buy a dictionary. Look up “satire”. Now, look up all of the words in your comment. Do some of those words even exist? And what does “gripping” mean, darling? Was that what you meant?

    (Just as a point of reference, this symbol: “?” is what we call a “question mark”. It is punctuation, and should be used at the end of sentences that ask questions, such as those beginning with “Do”. I feel a need to mention this to you now, so as not to cause you further confusion, you poor thing. It is clear that you need all of the assistance we can possibly provide you. And I am always happy to help.)

    Next, ask yourself this: Did you come up with the marketing campaign for Diet Dr. Pepper? No? Then, why does it matter so much to you what The Bloggess thinks of the cans?

    Perhaps the most pressing question is: DO PEOPLE HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO BUT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT A SATIRE SITE? (Note use of the aforementioned question mark here; it’s important. Get your dictionary again, love. Look up “aforementioned”.)

    Honestly, my dear, if you don’t like it, don’t read it.

    Kisses!

  89. “she needs to move to Guam since she is obviously lowering the IQ of this country.”

    GUAM IS PART OF AMERICA…

    Also I think you’re a genius Jenny. Don’t you get upset over these morons who obviously have no sense of humor, or intelligence for that matter, since they think Guam is not part of the U.S. and think that you’re being serious.

  90. I think this blog is flipping hilarious. I don’t think any of these people have the right to be insulting someone else electronically. It seems like they don’t have anything better to do rather than going around the internet and insulting other people just so they can feel better. I think your blogs are pure genius, and I think YOU are a pretty HILARIOUS person!

    But that’s just me!

  91. Jenny you fucking rock. I just about died of happiness when I got my first commenter on my blog yesterday and probably would have cried if it was negative. Good for you for not taking yourself so seriously that you take those fuckers seriously. I need a scoop of that. But make sure it’s diet. Or not. OH SHIT HERE WE GO AGAIN

  92. i’ve totally got your back. i just left slash food or whatever the hell a comment explaining that they’re all idiots.

  93. It’s RIDICULOUS that you’re getting slack for this post. It’s hilarious and clearly you’re joking. Plus – the can is pretty stupid looking. We, your readers, still heart you.

  94. Wait? So you’re telling me that ALL THIS TIME I’ve been taking every thing you’ve said as TRUTH?!?! Holy shit on a stick…What the hell am I going to do with all those kitten mittens I’ve been making for you!?! I was going to send them to you for your birthday. I guess I could send them to the Pope…
    .-= Kerrie´s last blog ..Turn To The Dark Side =-.

  95. I think we’re overlooking the bigger issue here, which is that Dr. Pepper is manufactured by zombies, most of whom wear over-the-knee tube socks and sport really bad combovers. The demented rantings on the can are just a distraction, see? Is anybody listening? For God’s sakes, RUN!
    .-= Anna Lefler´s last blog ..We’re Saying Shine To 2009. =-.

  96. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!!!

    I totally got that you were being funny about the Dr. Pepper. But I completely missed your humor about the arson and STABBING! Maybe I’m a little obtuse or perhaps YOU need to be a little clearer when you’re trying to be funny, that you’re actually just joshing.

    So… I have a number of co-worker with bloody ankles that I need to apologize to and I think I owe my boss a new house.

    Thanks a lot, bloggess!

  97. I knew the Pope wasn’t really a people eater. He’s a cat eater. I *was* however totally counting on you for when the zombies came. I think everyone was. Now we’re all screwed. Thanks Jenny, thanks a lot.

  98. The comments to this post are EPIC. Best I’ve ever read. Total love. I keep coming back to read more hilarity about the apocalypse and the zombies. And to make sure you were seriously kidding, because if you’re not, I don’t have my face on and I’m not ready.

    Hey everyone. Y So SRS?

  99. Holy crap, I better not set that guy on fire after stabbing him like I was planning.

    But remember, there is NOTHING satirical about James MF’ing Garfield.

  100. Oh noez! I can haz diet?!
    You should cyberburn those stupid commenters in effigy because being so stupid you think people who aren’t stupid are really stupid is really stupid.
    *Has heart attack and dies of not being able to handle all the irony*
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..On Notice =-.

  101. I don’t actually think all ethical questions can be answered with stabbing or arson

    WAIT WAIT WAIT HOLD ON HERE

    Are you serious? Seriously serious? I don’t think I can handle this revelation. My… my whole life is now a lie.
    .-= Stacia´s last blog ..The Horn Blows at Midnight (1945) =-.

  102. Here are some things I’m now confused about…

    1. For the “this is why I hate Americans” comment… which part of “this”? The satire part, or the misunderstanding the satire part? Or is it just that they don’t have zombies in other countries, and therefore only Americans will become zombies and you hate zombies therefore all Americans are bad?

    2. Why Guam?

    I think I need a not so diet soda….
    .-= Jean´s last blog ..Happy National Cut Your Energy Costs Day! No, really… =-.

  103. I’ve been reading this hilarious vitriol out loud to my boyfriend all night and it just keeps getting better and better! My favorite comment was rayray’s – so full of anger but with so few tools to express himself. This is how bears must feel.

    I bet rayray got kicked out of high school for beating his algebra textbook with a mallet. He was just trying to beat those damn tricky math problems into submission because no one told him he could use his brain instead.
    .-= Allie´s last blog ..Why I Don’t Use a Radio Alarm Clock =-.

  104. Hey, they might be calling you an idiot but they sure are giving you a lot of traffic, so they’re only proving that they, themselves, are not so smart.

    I think that’s an okay thing. Bahahaha. Also, those who don’t understand sarcasm, satire, or humor? Probably don’t know how to *not* be serious. If they read any of the shit you write… hopefully they get it, otherwise *wow*. I mean, you’re planning to take over our government and turn us into a Parliament havin’ type of country. You also have plans for the Zombie Apocalypse… pretty soon you’re going to have mutiny on your hands, but they wont be those who follow you, they’ll be the other weirdos out there that have no sense of humor and then we’ll have to make a new group like they did when you had that issue with whats his face? *Either way* it doesn’t really matter but they have no idea the force they are dealing with.

    The force be with you. Or.. something.

  105. Wait. What? You’re not going to take over the government during the zombie apocalypse? Are you sure? Because I made campaign signs and carved your picture on the baseball bat that I was going to use to defend my house against the attacking zombie hordes. *sniffle* I’m so sad.

    PS: What am I supposed to do with all of these hobo fingers I’ve been saving. It’s not I even have an iPhone.
    .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..5 Homemade DIY Sleds =-.

  106. Woah…. Okay so for the past six months I have been living in my basement off of army rations awaiting the zombies and suddenly ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN?????? You mean I have scurvy for NOTHING?????
    What the shit Jenny?? SIX MONTHS OF MY LIFE!!!! SCUUUURRRRVVVVYYYYY!!!!!!

  107. Obviously, each one of those cans would look younger with a cat on its head. And they’d look better under James Garfield.

  108. Oh dear! It was glaringly obvious that you were joking… I’m glad that the other reporter was too. Way to stir up the shit again, Jenny!

  109. Oh holy crap. I understand your confusion dear and benevolent Bloggess.
    However, this is why I stick to vodka.
    Have you ever stumbled down to the corner liquor mart and been perplexed as to whether or not Grey Goose (or Stoli… or Belvedere… or whatever, you get my point…) was diet or not? No. That has never happened.
    Stick to vodka, it won’t steer you wrong. Unless you’re deciding whether or not to go home with a man dressed up as Santa… then it will steer you wrong. It will steer you VERY VERY VERY wrong. Trust me here.

  110. Jenny, either you got Molly Ivins wit when she didn’t need it anymore or there’s something in the water (other than benzine) in Texas. That update was brilliant.

  111. My God, where did these people come from?

    This is what you get when you f* with corporate America… watch your back.

    (Love the Guam comments!)

  112. Your update has shattered me.

    Everything I believed, gone. Everything I was, gone. I am cast adrift.

    But at least the stuff you write on Ask the Bloggess is true, right? RIGHT?!?!

  113. So somewhere in this world there is an office full of bitter men who’s wives or ex-wives are Jenny the Bloggess fans and they are all so bored that they all need to come post stupid comments. I hope they all get laid off! Nothing diet about that!

  114. I really can’t believe how many people didn’t get your obvious joke, wow.

    Made me laugh BTW 😉

  115. Ok, I’ve got tears streaming down my face from reading these comments. Gotta love your fans Jenny, my favourite type of people.
    Also, Paul (#118) – seriously? ‘Cos even though I disagree with your comment about Jenny, I’m big on recycling and hate to see good flesh go to waste. How about you and I get together over a nice juicy steak and discuss effective ways to stop the rampant wasting of flesh that is plaguing this planet (y’know, those dumbass flesh-wasting funny people that don’t mean what they write and confuse everybody). Between us, I’m sure we can find a better use of flesh. FLESH. Like maybe soap, … or clothing. You be the steak.

    Jenny, even your trolls are freaky.
    FLESH. FLEEESSSHHHHHH…

  116. Woo hoo! Jenny has her first major misunderstanding by People Who Do Not Understand Satire. This just means you are getting more followers who love you and want to showcase your amazing insane wit to everyone. And when we do that, we inevitably show you to people who Do Not Understand Satire. But never fear, there are plenty of people who do understand, but have not had the opportunity to read your blog and they will see the idiots who Do Not Understand frothing at the mouth and will know, ah! here’s someone I should read. She makes the idiots froth and squeal. She must be good. Yes. (Remember, there are people who still think Stephen Colbert is a Republican. You gotta let those people go, man. They are not good for your head.)

  117. Hi jenny, it is I your long time stauker. I wanted to say i am pissed about u not taking over the gov’t as I have been prepping for the zombie takeover by collecting hobo fingers. I figure boom a snack AND i can use an iphone, I have it made!!!! I love you as much as i can love a complete and total stranger who has made me wet myself several times while the hubster looks confused.

  118. Of course, Dr. Pepper is definitely deserving of ridicule as it is a silly slogan, but very common. I am personally working on a soda that is packed with calories, but tastes like Tab or Diet Rite with the slogan “there’s nothing good about it.” It is amazing how many people out there don’t have a sense of humor or missed the satire altogether. Have they never read your blog before or are these the people who thought that “bloggess” is a government position.

  119. I can understand misunderstanding someone. It happens easily enough. (apparently)
    I can understand disagreeing with someone. Easy peasy.
    What I can’t understand, is getting SO cranked up about it, that you feel the need to “give a piece of your mind” to the offending party in a rage filled comment!
    If self-important fools like that insist on GIVING pieces away, we just have to figure out how to get them pissed off AT THE ZOMBIES…Voila! Hungry zombies are hungry no more and comments are free of trolls!

  120. There go those silly people takin’ you serious again. This is what happens when you are voted into government, isn’t it?

  121. Ok I love your blog even more now. First it was the post which made me snort coffee out my nose. Now it’s the hilarious comments section that has left me choking on the floor with laughter. Comedy gold. You can’t get people to vote for President, but they’ll come out of the woodwork to let you know of their Dr Pepper pride. This has to go on a blog highlights list. Why thank you Bloggess you have just made my day.
    .-= Michelle Roger´s last blog ..Why Yes. My House Does Smell Like Cat Pee. =-.

  122. Okay, wait, wait, WAIT. Forget all this diet/not diet stuff… Are you telling me that can was NOT A REAL DOCTOR??? Oh my gosh. And the things I let it DO!!! I… I can’t begin to explain the shame I am feeling.
    .-= Crystal´s last blog ..Cat and mom, in that order. =-.

  123. I thought this blog about the diet Dr Pepper was phenomenal. I have been perplexed by things of this nature myself, more often than not- thats the humor in it! I had to reference this blog in my post, I feel that my readers (all 12 of them) would relate to your humor (as I do) tremendously. Thanks for keeping my entertained! http://www.lorrainekoay.com

  124. I’m not the only one that thinks all ethical problems can be solved by stabbing?!? Thank god! How do you feel about testifying at the U.N?

  125. The golden rule? Don’t make fun of who make fun of Dr. Pepper lest people who make fun of Dr. Pepper make fun of you. That’s all I’ve got to say.

  126. How do we get this going again, I’m bored.

    And no, I don’t have a blog of my own to link. I really don’t have anything that interesting to say (but I see some of you won’t let that stop you)

    Oh, by the way, I heard that Dr. Pepper went to medical school in Guam.

  127. I feel really insecure reading the “Updated” part of this because most of the answers to life’s questions DO involve stabbing or arson, and I completely think that the Pope is a cannibal.

  128. Oh, and also, when I was little, I had to go to the eye doctor, and the doctor’s last name, I KID YOU NOT, was Pepper.

  129. I think you’re hilarious – and I’m not a Dr Pepper fan/freak – but there is no period after Dr – but you use one every time and it bugs me. Sorry.

  130. This “Diet” Dr Pepper Debacle completely reminds me of a time when I saw a disturbing Fresh Step cat litter commercial. Apparently the litter is soooo unscented that the cat can’t find it and needs to hire a blood hound. Of course this disturbed me on 2 levels. 1. why is this company advocating ANIMAL LABOR and 2. I can’t tell if you’re trying to tell me it’s ok that this litter smells so lovely or of it just means that my cat is going to shit and piss all over my house cause of this new stealth litter. WTF.

  131. half cans = half the soda = not as much to drink = not as much in cans …hummm i think i may be on to something… diet dr pepper why must i love you so. diet or not i love u just as u are as long as you are open and by my side (and dont spill on my computer ). i do cheat at times with vodka but a girl needs a little side action sometimes (not proud of it but not gonna say sorry either)

    finally, rayray, im not, shall we say, “familiar” with the term “cleally” would you be a doll and please enlighten again. thanx ur the greatest. im sorry thats mohammad ali i mean the 2nd greatest. bloggess ur a crack up! rofl w tears peeing pants!

  132. Can we have RayRay on again?

    Jenny, you should email him your posts as bait to lure him back into commenting. You can do a lunatic point- counterpoint.

    reading this 3 days after the last post…..ahhhh, it’s that good!

  133. I asked a guy at the convenience store about Pepsi Max and he told me it was Diet Pepsi for men. Seriously. I guess it’s possible; it looks like a can of that Axe Body Spray.

  134. It’s meant as a joke to tell you that its diet Dr Pepper but it doesn’t taste like a diet soda.
    I know I love Dr Pepper.

  135. “Good luck with the whole poorly-written blog thing. [checked for grammar and spelling]”

    I know I’m super late to this spectacle, but hey, Dan? “Poorly-written” is incorrect grammar. Generally, you do not use a hyphen after an adverb ending with -ly. But it’s okay, I understand that the zombies may already have gotten to you by the time you wrote that comment.

  136. “I wasn’t serious when I proposed cutting fingers off hobos so I can use my iphone more effectively” I guess I owe a hobo some fingers… Anybody wanna donate?

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