UPDATED X 5: Why voter-driven awards are fundamentally flawed.

I just got a bunch of emails from people telling me I was on the front page of the Shorty Awards, which I’d never even heard of but apparently it’s some sort of People’s Choice contest for Twitter so I clicked the link to check it out and found out that I’m currently in 5th place…


…in the category of “Government”, for fuck’s sake.

For real, y’all.  Me, Nasa, the mayor of Newark, the usual.  Basically my face is a giant “fuck-you” pointing out how flawed voter-driven contests are.  Which is actually kind of awesome. And also I think it might be a sign that I need to run for Congress or Parliament.  Except that I just misspelled “Parliament”.  But that’s not really my fault because why is there an “i” in it? This is the first thing I’m going to change when I’m in office.  That, and also everyone has to stop saying “fustrated” or they get stabbed in the knee.  That’s pretty much my entire platform.

I’m going to be the best Parlamentess ever.


UPDATED (day 2):  Holy crap, you guys.

I'm not even going to mention how fucked up the whole "David Archuleta lock-out" is. Except for right here. When I say it's kinda fucked up.

So…yeah.  I just passed up NASA.  Also, I just realized that Obama isn’t even on here. I’m a little bit embarrassed for America right now.  This shit will not stand when I’m ruling Parlament (still purposely misspelled).  Also Victor just mentioned that America doesn’t actually have a Parlament which works out perfectly because that means it’s totally open for me to build however I want.  Like, I could claim myself Queen of Parlament and knight everyone and barbeque something rare in the lobby of the White House.  Like a polar bear stuffed with an eagle.  But not a cute Polar Bear because I don’t want PETA throwing blood on me.  Something they won’t mind.  Like an old Polar Bear.  That had face-leprosy.  And an eagle that pushed a baby off a cliff.  Or something.  These are details that Parlament will have to work out.  Also, the first year of Parlamentary focus will be exclusively on defense plans for the coming zombie apocalypse, and on debating whether zombies are crazy-fast and super-human, or slow and lumbering.  I’m going with “slow and lumbering”.  Everyone’s going to be issued wooden bats.  Except old people.  They probably aren’t going to make it.  So, yeah. This is your future, America.


UPDATED (day 3): Okay, I felt a little bad about taking over the Government with no real warning so I decided it would be more fair to change my twitter avatar in the interest of transparency…

…but then when I went to the Shorty Website my avatar had changed to just a big question mark:

It's nice though that I'm not the only one who's confused for once.

I can only assume that’s because the Shorty Award people are all “What the fuck? So she’s not in the Government?  SHENANIGANS!”  Also, I just noticed that I’m in 4th place in Customer Service which is weird because who am I servicing? Victor just said “Well, certainly no one in this house”.  Victor gets to get his own damn blog and shut up.

UPDATED AGAIN (because none of this is really worth a whole new post):  My avatar is still a question mark this morning so instead I decided to just fill out my bio on the Shorty Award page as an alternate disclaimer:

Also, I thought maybe the Shorty people just didn’t like my avatar because it’s too wordy so I just changed it again:

UPDATED (for probably the last time, I swear):  I have just slipped out of first place in Government which is actually totally  fine because I think I’ve updated this post way too much and honestly, by day three everyone starts to get really annoyed about their twitter stream getting filled with ironically subversive votes so I’m just going to concede the Government award now and I fully throw my support behind Neil Gaiman in the Customer Service category because last month he agreed to give the eulogy at my funeral (true story).  And anyway, it’ll be much more entertaining to take over the Government later when they aren’t expecting it.  Like maybe when they’re distracted by the zombie apocolypse.  Or maybe we do some sort of flash mob or something.  We can work out the details later.  Buy a bat.*

*For protection in the zombie apocolypse.  Not to take over the Government.  We don’t bat people, y’all. Even if they’re politicians.  Unless they’re zombie politicians.  Then you can totally go to town on them.  I know I will.  With my samurai sword.  Which I already own. I’m going to be the most bad-ass politician ever.

Comment of the day: At least you took some initiative.  I’m still wondering why David Archuleta hasn’t let them know that HE ISN’T FOOD. Unless he IS food. OMG, maybe we’re just mispronouncing his name and it’s really David MUFFALETTA.  Once you’re in office, you should hire an agency to get to the bottom of this. ~ moooooog35

183 thoughts on “UPDATED X 5: Why voter-driven awards are fundamentally flawed.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I’m more disturbed that David Archuleta is nominated for education, finance, food, health & humor, among other things and that he’s #1 in most of those categories.

  2. If you win, do you get to go on Nickelodeon and slime someone? Like Ashton, or Obama or Sean Hannity? Due to the political nature of your content, I mean. Maybe you could just get a nice award from Larry King?
    .-= juliejulie´s last blog ..My Best Kiss Ever =-.

  3. Technically I am American but I prefer “Parliament” to “Congress”. Plus, my cabinet can be called “the Funkadelic”. It’s going to be awesome.

  4. also, could you please ban the word “flustrated” which is (I think) a mash-up of frustrated and flustered and admittedly kinda makes sense, since people who are frustrated often become flustered, but IT’S NOT A WORD. I will totally vote for you if you make me this election promise. Thanks.

  5. You moved up to 4th place. I think the non-interest in your self promotion is actually you telepathically making people subconsciously vote for you. You are one step closer to taking over the world!

  6. The Bloggess for next UK Prime Minister! The timing is perfect, we have an election this year and you make more sense than the regular lot

  7. Okay, so when you become head of Parliament (sorry, I can’t misspell it because I did once and it cost me the County Spelling Bee!), after you’ve taken care of the fustrated, irregardless and burfday folks, can you please move on to the following:
    -the people who omit the r in February (it’s not Febuary)
    -Lie berry (you know what I mean)
    -Valentimes Day (People, he was a saint–Saint Valentine–with an n)
    -the people who can’t complete a sentence without saying “basically” (“Basically, you put the wrench here and basically, move it in a counterclockwise direction until, basically, it’s loose.”)

    I have many more. I just sat through a three-hour meeting that made my head hurt from all the grammatical errors. Maybe I can be on your staff?

    PS. How is “irregardless” not underlined in red? Spell Check, you suck.
    .-= Laurie Ann´s last blog ..I made it! =-.

  8. Wait, I can’t say frustrated? I totally thought that was a word. Bummer. I will totally vote for you anyway, but I might get frustrated if you don’t win.

  9. Who the hell is David Arugula? Why would anybody take their name after lettuce?

    Oh, he’s the guy standing next to The Bloggess.
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..O Tannenbaum =-.

  10. And…now you’re in 2nd place, way to make it even more of a polularity contest by posting this, just for more votes I’m sure. I was too lazy to vote for you there, but I would vote if you ran for parliament – you’re right, too many letters.

  11. I hate to break it to you but:
    There is an “i” in Parliament
    Your cabinent should be named “Funkadelic”, not “the Funkadelic” as there is no “the” in Parliament-Funkadelic

  12. I totally misread the “vegansaurus” and thought it was “vaginasaurus” and then I thought how awesome that would be if it really was Vaginasaurus and it ate all the other competitors in its category and won. Amazing.
    .-= Stephanie L´s last blog ..Moral Dilemma =-.

  13. I know a woman who says “flustrated.” Also, she says “simular” and “vivrant.” Could you take care of this, oh great and powerful Parlamentress?

  14. I would have thought humor with fellow nominee Justin aka “shit my dad says”. His dad is a pretty funny guy. You are funny. He is funny. AI alum David Archuletta AND David Cook- not so much……
    .-= MaryBeth I´s last blog ..Tax Deductions can be cute =-.

  15. Upon reading these comments, I wonder if perhaps you need to create a category called “Post That Even People Who Do Twitter Won’t Get”?

    That’s the sum total of my help here.

    Well, that, and I think that you and NASA should trade places for one day, a la Freaky Friday. Even though I understand that NASA isn’t a person, and that maybe the astronauts shouldn’t launch anything while under your command. But still. I think it would be cool to see what would happen.

  16. can you also please make sure that we all have to know all the words to all songs by hall and oates? and will james garfield be your running mate? because, well, i would vote twelve times (because we all know we can vote many times in america) if he was. xox
    .-= nakedjen´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

  17. I so vote for Steam Me Up, Kid for comment of the day. It is so James Garfield’s doing. How could you not be in a government section when you own the most awesome namesake of a dead president ever????

  18. Man! I got all excited because I’m like, “Shit! The Bloggess is going to win a shorty!” Then I saw that you were up against the Mayor of Newark and my heart sank. Damn. Maybe next year. Wait… you have an army or something, don’t you? Hmmm… perhaps they can help. I’ll make a few calls, shake some babies. I find you always get an immediate reaction when you shake someone’s baby.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Save me and we might be able to work something out for you =-.

  19. Government… of coarse! You already have your own Navy (insert semen joke here). That and the war with Germany and your recent Ambassador work in Japan. How are you surprised by this? I would totally vote for you. But then again, I would vote for any candidate that poses nude covered in cheese burgers and uses phrases like “for fuck’s sake”. I’m easy like that. So when you are presidentess/parliamentess will that make Victor our first Gentleman or some shit?

  20. Hells yeas!
    Can I be in your cabinet?
    Not that one that does what ever legislation shit they do, but in your cabinet that you keep your pots & pans.
    I can remember enjoying the hell out of playing in there as a child.
    My parents’ pots & pans cabinet, not yours.
    .-= WildlyBland´s last blog ..Hobos For Sale =-.

  21. I postulate that it is actually James Garfield that catapulted you to Twitter government fame.

    I think it’s time that James Garfield gets his own Twitter account, and then you guys could have a run off to see who will win the much coveted Shorty award. No offense, but I think James Garfield may take you, but he could most certainly take down that Archuleta kid, especially in “food”. I mean, he has TUSKS for god sake.
    .-= Love´s last blog ..Love’s PhD Trilogy: Exodus =-.

  22. It’s because YOU RULE!!!!

    No, but seriously, I wouldn’t run for office if I were you. It wouldn’t end well.

  23. I nominated you for Most Humorous Blog on the 2010 Bloggies, and if you win then I will know I control the universe.

    Perhaps the original title of that category in the Shorty Awards was “Get Loose” and the Government intervened? Because then it would make sense.
    .-= Julie´s last blog ..It’s Resolution Month! Resolution #2 =-.

  24. I agree completely with taking that damn ‘i’ out of parlament. And baseball bats. But not just for zombies… but the old as well. Technically, a lot of them are mostly zombie anyway.

  25. I would so vote for you! You’d be cooler than Kinky! In fact, you could have a whole line of merchandise with WWTBD and I’d totally sport all of it! Oh, but in order for me to vote for you you’d totally have to change the spelling of “colonel” to something that makes sense because, HELLO, WHERE’S THE FUCKING “R”? Oh, and officially make “lamblasted” a word….and make the preparation for the zombie invasion led by Jesus the new national past time because, come on, steroids ruined baseball and we totally need a new past time!

  26. OK… now that, its 200% certain that YOU are the Governmentess of the Millenium ( i dunno, if this would get me Spelling Bee or not… wht eva..) I nominate myself to your chief of innovation wing of your “Pink” House… what wouldnt you paint the damned White thing… Pink?? see, am already showin my mettle… and though am in India, which is to say we do not have houses as powerful as the White category here… and yet… but we are all from the same planet, isnt it? and since YOUR PINK HOUSE will take over the world… and you would be the un-disputed QUEEN in like history of forever… I know, I stand a fair chance and am in good hands/house… what eva… and yes, you might wish to have a “loong talk” with me… as to what comprises of innovation! I HAVE NO IDEA!

    p.s: go get an IDEA now, an IDEA can change your life! *thats me doin some soul-searchin and shamelessely borrowing the marketing mantra from local GSM operator* {google that if you HAVE to HAVE to make sense of this p.s.— type IDEA Cellular}

  27. why are you also #2 in customerservice category?? as we speak… and now #1 in govt!
    .-= neers´s last blog .. =-.

  28. That’s right, when your Parlamentarians are all up in your face trying to tell you what they’d do say “there’s no I in Parlament bitches, but there is a ‘me’ ! And me wants you to ‘hep’ me be more popular. Oh could we vote like on American Idol and call as many times as we want. You should probably get James Garfield’s train tickets bought now so you can insure him an assigned seat everyday on the train to work.

    And you should celebrate your victory with the Bloggess turducken of spotted owl in a bald eagle in a red panda in a hawaiian monk seal in a red wolf in a siberian tiger in a polar bear in an african elephant inside a blue whale.

  29. Why the hell is david archupoopoo everywhere? The only one that fits is humor because his face is hilarious.

    I always add “poopoo” to the end of words I can’t spell. i swear it works.
    .-= Maxie´s last blog ..Would You Rather Wednesday =-.

  30. I am pleased that I have no idea who Davud Aguilera is. And I believe that you will rock the government category, considering that you may soon be the queen of Germany, right?
    .-= pixielation´s last blog ..Snow clumps and snot =-.

  31. As a native of the country you refer to as ‘Engaland’…I’d totally vote you for Queen…if we voted for Queens …which we don’t…they kinda just appear every now and then…bit like Cher except without the back catalogue of movies and catsuits. Though Cher as Queen sounds awesome…would you mind power sharing…perhaps you could own the left side of the country and she the right? Are you left handed? If not, we’re just put the left side of England on the right so you don’t dizzy. English people are nice like that…its how we won the war. ( Its not really, we used saucepans and a cunning use of flags).

  32. I think Monarchy. Because you are the Queen of Smurftastic!

    (no idea why I am thinking the Smurfs somehow need to be involved, other than I think your avatar as Smurfette would be fucking hilarious. Sayin.)
    .-= marymac´s last blog ..Spank You Very Much =-.

  33. If I could just raise my hand here and request that I be head of the House of Lords, which will changed to the House of Godesses since we all know that 1) a house would NEVER be clean with a bunch of Lords running around and 2) Godesses can get things done in half the time and still have time for a mani pani. I will start preparing my speech about the proper technique to sacrifice an old person when under zombie attack.
    .-= Jess´s last blog ..In Remembrance… =-.

  34. Re the zombies – both fast and slow, different types. And as an oldz, I already have my bat, tire iron and shotgun ready, we’ll see who dies first, been fighting them since ’68. Age and treachery will win over youth and beauty any day. Let me know if you need help, although Victor sounds like he can handle it.

  35. You’re only in 4th place for “customer Service.” I’m guessing that’s probably because you have too many references to “feeling stabby.” People take that shit personally.
    .-= Paula´s last blog ..Countdown to Christmas 2010 =-.

  36. Wouldn’t you be the parlamentress? Yah, that would be awesome. I’m so glad you’re ruling the government category; nothing could make me happier!
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Please Stay Tuned =-.

  37. You get my vote if you promise that James Garfield (the new one not the old one) will be on your emblem and that you will put him in the lobby. NOW, we need to see your birth certificate first. I have been waiting for a Texan politician that I like. YOU will be it. But we need to make sure that you are truly a Texan first.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Chicken and Egg =-.

  38. Eh, I don’t know what it all means, but you are also on the Customer Service list. I cry foul! I have never received any service from you. What kind of favoritism are you playing here?!

    Also, WHY THE F is David Archuleta in almost every category?!
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Chicken and Egg =-.

  39. I’m pretty sure PETA would prefer you cannibalize the baby before you touched their precious evil eagle and dying polar bear. Just sayin’

    Also. can we get rid of “aksed”. Sweet zombie jesus, I hate that. “I aksed you a question!” bah!

  40. right after this *i’m a gonna let u finish* and then go vote for you. (you need to read that with a kanye intonation)

    my ex-husband had this awful way of mis-pronouncing certain words. the one that always made me want to gouge out his eye was “supposed”, which he said like “us-sposed”.

    what the fuck. and then i had to be the anal retentive wife that had to correct him every time he said it. because i thought maybe just once he would get it right. nope. he still says it that way.

    and even though we are now divorced and so i shouldn’t have to listen to him be a grammatical tard ever again? my children say it the wrong way now.

    simply another reason to add to the list of “why i divorced you”.


    p.s. look out for pies. here in canada, where we have a parliament, people throw pies at political figures. but i guess if you like pie that’s okay.

  41. I’m with you on the ignorant use of “fustrated”.

    However, I must say dear Bloggess, It is “purposefully” not “purposely”.


  42. Fuck NASA! You know what they have done for spelling lately? NOTHING. If they gave a crap about spelling they would have spelled it NASSA, see? Because there is an “ass” sound in the middle.

    Hang on… Wait my boyfriend just told me NASA is an acronym.

    You know what Parlament (yeah, DELIBERATE BITCHES) is an acronym for? Nothing. Because it’s awesome.

  43. Hey, it’s just like the real government! You can vote as often as you like, irregardless of whether you voted before. Well, you get my vote. And again…and again…
    .-= Mr Farty´s last blog ..Whale Meat Again* =-.

  44. for the PETA people, I think it would need to be an eagle that pushed a baby seal off a cliff. They don’t care so much about regular babies.
    .-= Stephen´s last blog ..time =-.

  45. Unfortunately I think PETA might throw blood on you for the mere thought of grillin’ up a polar bear stuffed with a bald eagle. I mean maybe if you only do one… then do the other 6 months later, you know space it out some so the PETA Nazi’s aren’t all WTF DONT YOU KNOW THOSE ARE ENDANGERED? YOU CANT TAKE OUT TWO ENDANGERED SPECIES AT THE SAME TIME, YOUR MAJESTY.

    For real, PETA doesn’t care if you’re the Queen… they’re going to go Carrie on your ass and you’re going to be really pissed when they ruin that white fur coat I make for you out of the polar bear… also, they wont use *real* blood because isn’t that kind of the opposite of what PETA is about? Sometimes I forget what PETA is really about ever since the whole “Save the Whales” advertisement. However, they’ll use fake blood and probably purposely put some red wine and extra red food coloring in it just so even the greatest dry cleaner in the world couldn’t get it to that beautiful white panda fur we started with, those fucking bastards. What a bunch of douche canoes.

  46. old people are zombies, so no they will not need bats. and the zombies will be slow and lumbering, like old people. funny how life is a circle.

  47. O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck are all going to be PISSED if you win that category.


    And maybe Stephen Colbert will pick you as his running mate next time he runs for something.

  48. I regret to say that at first post you were actually in SIXTH place on accounta there were two temporarily third placers tied.

    Thus making your later burst to first even more Exciting!


    The Count from Sesame Street

    (Note- reading the above with a Transylvanian accent increases Humor Quotient)

  49. BTW, I should inform you that I personally linked both yesterday and today’s Jen-tries to The Bloggess to one of our sub-forums at the web’s busiest web forums for sports handicappers. See: http://www.therxforum.com/showthread.php?t=741795

    So far, one other member there Gets It, but I am banging the drum to try and roust out at least one more.


  50. And not for Posting here…but the second link to TheBloggess kicks in at Post #34 in previously referenced link….

  51. So since you are first in Customer service and in Government…could you please come to my town and approve my tax abatemnet…those Mother Fuckers just do what ever they want…and so should you!
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..GIGGITY!!!! =-.

  52. I suggest a powder-wig.

    Let’s throw one on David, The leperbear, and the eagle, too.

    If the wig is human hair, PETA won’t even care.

  53. Everytime I read this thing it just gets more and more surreal and that I won’t come back. But it’s kinda like a nasty car wreck–you shouldn’t look, but you do. And then you feel kinda icky and dirty, but you look again and you can’t stop looking? I think that having the Bloggess as the best government blog is a hoot! Good job. I’ll be back.
    .-= Spanishmedievalist´s last blog ..On the syllabus =-.

  54. You’re also nominated for a Shorty under Customer Service. Between the two categories, I’d stick with government. You are WAY funnier than most administrations. I mean, the White House tweets about boring government things, doesn’t offer real helpful day to day information and doesn’t even follow me back. You follow back and your tweets are very informational and brilliant. I put 12 blankets on my bed so I won’t float up to the ceiling because of you.
    .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..Save Money! Find and Fix Air Leaks and Drafts =-.

  55. At least you took some initiative.

    I’m still wondering why David Archuleta hasn’t let them know that HE ISN’T FOOD.

    Unless he IS food. OMG OMG maybe we’re just mispronouncing his name and it’s really David MUFFALETTA.

    Once you’re in office, you should hire an agency to get to the bottom of this.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Human Resources is on Line One =-.

  56. oh my god, did you just participate in a meme? all of a sudden it makes sense – the awards, the links to other blogs you’ve written, the veiled references to celebrity friends … you’re a maven, aren’t you?!?!
    .-= Mandi´s last blog ..Case studies: 7 days in Sydney =-.

  57. Zombie apocalypse?! That’s what we have to look forward to in 2010? Only some sort of governmental insider or Illuminati would have that kind of information. I don’t own a baseball bat. We’re snowed in. Think a snow shovel will work as a defensive weapon?
    .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..I Saved 60% Because I Sew =-.

  58. @TheBloggess My cat is sleeping!

    ……2 days pass…..

    @TheBloggess Yup… Still sleeping. In fact… I think he might be dead. Oh, Nope! his ear twitched! Still sleeping. 😀

    …. Maybe not as awesome as you originally thought? haha But other than that, you totally have my vote. 😀

  59. I don’t comment very much anymore because I don’t feel like I can compete with your funniness (totally a word), but just wanted to let you know that I still love your writing. I feel it is important to tell you this in case you do actually become the queen of the parlament, or whatever. Especially since I am now reminded that you have a samarai sword.
    .-= -R-´s last blog ..Back Again =-.

  60. Speaking of Wolverines!!!! Did you hear they are remaking Red Dawn scheduled for release November 2010?? This was probably due to you keeping the thought of the movie alive…They probably owe you some money!!!

  61. Alls I know is I got an xmas card from The Bloggess and no one else in the government sent me one…and I like to smoke paralaments.

  62. I just went to add you on twitter after reading this post, then I realized that not only am I already following you on twitter, but I got a twitter just to follow you.

  63. I’m setting here at 11pm and jsut reading your blogthingy. Its making laugh so hard, it’s to the point that my stomarch hurts and my laughter is now silent. Great Job!

  64. What do you have against people who have diplomatic immunity? And why stabbing? I mean, as opposed to, say, any of the other thousands and millions of ways to off people? Especially the ones with diplomatic immunity.

  65. I started the customer service thing. Sorry. I just heard so many great things about the Garfield cards, both from their quality and the expediency in which they arrived. I didn’t order one myself because $10.00 for a christmas card is outrageous. Also, I’ve slipped out of contention for head science twitter person, which is pretty sad because I know lots of science things. For instance, you can die if you drink saltwater. Something to do with salt molecules attacking your brain. It’s no way to go. I doubt my competitors save people lives.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Save me and we might be able to work something out for you =-.

  66. Last year, the category for Hottest Mommy Blogger on The Blogger’s Choice Awards was almost won by three dudes. This year, it was almost won by three women who are neither hot, nor mommies. TOMFOOLERY!

    PS: Moooooog is freaking funny, right?

  67. Because of you, i will have to make the trek to my local grocery store to pick up paper towels to clean up the DIET DR.PEPPER i spit out multiple times from reading THIS post. I must admit, life would be a little less full of bullshit if you really WERE in government…..
    .-= Crystal´s last blog ..Apparent Ghost girl photo taken… =-.

  68. I’d like to point out a few things here. In your first photo, David Archeulta is 1st in Humor (whilst you are in Government). Then, in the next, David’s first in food.

    And, in the eduation column, its all a bunch of terrorists. Allegedly.

    I don’t know what all this means, but I theorize that it has something to do with shifting paradims of human sexuality.
    .-= Busted Kate´s last blog ..Seen Outside the Court, Part 2 =-.

  69. Ok… So while looking your screen capture of you in 5th place in the government category I first saw “Government” and then on your Avatar where it says “5th” is saw “Sith”… Apparently THAT is how you got voted so high in the government section. Your dark jedi powers are so strong even you don’t realize you’re mind fucking people into putting you into a position of power in our government. At least with a lightsaber around you’ll never have to wash a knife again and if Victor bitches that you don’t have any clean ones you can just cut whatever he needs with your handy dandy red light saber. Who cares if it’s overkill, you win.

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