I just got a bunch of emails from people telling me I was on the front page of the Shorty Awards, which I’d never even heard of but apparently it’s some sort of People’s Choice contest for Twitter so I clicked the link to check it out and found out that I’m currently in 5th place…
…in the category of “Government”, for fuck’s sake.
For real, y’all. Me, Nasa, the mayor of Newark, the usual. Basically my face is a giant “fuck-you” pointing out how flawed voter-driven contests are. Which is actually kind of awesome. And also I think it might be a sign that I need to run for Congress or Parliament. Except that I just misspelled “Parliament”. But that’s not really my fault because why is there an “i” in it? This is the first thing I’m going to change when I’m in office. That, and also everyone has to stop saying “fustrated” or they get stabbed in the knee. That’s pretty much my entire platform.
I’m going to be the best Parlamentess ever.
UPDATED (day 2): Holy crap, you guys.
So…yeah. I just passed up NASA. Also, I just realized that Obama isn’t even on here. I’m a little bit embarrassed for America right now. This shit will not stand when I’m ruling Parlament (still purposely misspelled). Also Victor just mentioned that America doesn’t actually have a Parlament which works out perfectly because that means it’s totally open for me to build however I want. Like, I could claim myself Queen of Parlament and knight everyone and barbeque something rare in the lobby of the White House. Like a polar bear stuffed with an eagle. But not a cute Polar Bear because I don’t want PETA throwing blood on me. Something they won’t mind. Like an old Polar Bear. That had face-leprosy. And an eagle that pushed a baby off a cliff. Or something. These are details that Parlament will have to work out. Also, the first year of Parlamentary focus will be exclusively on defense plans for the coming zombie apocalypse, and on debating whether zombies are crazy-fast and super-human, or slow and lumbering. I’m going with “slow and lumbering”. Everyone’s going to be issued wooden bats. Except old people. They probably aren’t going to make it. So, yeah. This is your future, America.
UPDATED (day 3): Okay, I felt a little bad about taking over the Government with no real warning so I decided it would be more fair to change my twitter avatar in the interest of transparency…
…but then when I went to the Shorty Website my avatar had changed to just a big question mark:
I can only assume that’s because the Shorty Award people are all “What the fuck? So she’s not in the Government? SHENANIGANS!” Also, I just noticed that I’m in 4th place in Customer Service which is weird because who am I servicing? Victor just said “Well, certainly no one in this house”. Victor gets to get his own damn blog and shut up.
UPDATED AGAIN (because none of this is really worth a whole new post): My avatar is still a question mark this morning so instead I decided to just fill out my bio on the Shorty Award page as an alternate disclaimer:
Also, I thought maybe the Shorty people just didn’t like my avatar because it’s too wordy so I just changed it again:
UPDATED (for probably the last time, I swear): I have just slipped out of first place in Government which is actually totally fine because I think I’ve updated this post way too much and honestly, by day three everyone starts to get really annoyed about their twitter stream getting filled with ironically subversive votes so I’m just going to concede the Government award now and I fully throw my support behind Neil Gaiman in the Customer Service category because last month he agreed to give the eulogy at my funeral (true story). And anyway, it’ll be much more entertaining to take over the Government later when they aren’t expecting it. Like maybe when they’re distracted by the zombie apocolypse. Or maybe we do some sort of flash mob or something. We can work out the details later. Buy a bat.*
*For protection in the zombie apocolypse. Not to take over the Government. We don’t bat people, y’all. Even if they’re politicians. Unless they’re zombie politicians. Then you can totally go to town on them. I know I will. With my samurai sword. Which I already own. I’m going to be the most bad-ass politician ever.
Comment of the day: At least you took some initiative. I’m still wondering why David Archuleta hasn’t let them know that HE ISN’T FOOD. Unless he IS food. OMG, maybe we’re just mispronouncing his name and it’s really David MUFFALETTA. Once you’re in office, you should hire an agency to get to the bottom of this. ~ moooooog35