You really can’t take me anywhere.

in functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, Random Crap

So day one at the Mom 2.0 Conference went off pretty much as planned.  Too busy to write a real post so instead I’m just going to transcribe the notes I was taking since I arrived.

Arrived and was discussing porn that was supposed to be delivered to my hotel room while waiting for the elevator.  Then I noticed that the person standing next to me and my friend was Heloise from “Hints from Heloise”.  Then I’m all “I mean, it’s not for me.  It’s to give out to whoever wants it” because that somehow makes it better, apparently. Awesome. I’ve been here 10 minutes and already I just discussed porn in front of an American icon.   In her defense though, she seemed nonplussed.  She’s pretty famous so she probably gets porn delivered to her hotel room all the time.  That’s how you know you’ve made it.

Got dressed for the 1960’s Mad Men cocktail party…

Best. Photobomb. Ever. (via @chookooloonks)

…and I made it for about 20 minutes before I started having a panic attack and I realized I needed a drink but the bartender wasn’t paying any attention to me so I went back to my room to bring down my own bottle of Strawberry Hill that I’d brought in my suitcase because obviously I’m not going to pay for overpriced hotel wine while I was there.  So I go to hide in the bathroom and it’s just me twittering that I’m hiding alone in the bathroom and about 10 minutes later two chicks show up with a margarita and sedatives.  But not together.  Like, one of them offered sedatives and the other one offered booze.  They weren’t trying to kill me. They were trying to be nice.  I just wanted to clarify that.  And this is why I love social media.  Because people care that you’re mentally ill and they won’t let you overdose by mixing drugs and alcohol.  So I nixed the sedative and had the margarita but I still didn’t want to leave the bathroom so I just sat on the sink and talked to strangers as they came in and about 20 minutes later I thought “I need to get out of this bathroom.  I’m being ridiculous” and so as a chick shut the stall door I hopped off the sink, except that my wine bottle was apparently on my petticoat and so I basically smashed an entire, mostly full bottle of Strawberry Hill on the floor.  Glass everywhere. Then the chick in the stall was all “Um..what was that?” in this slightly terrified voice and I was “Uh, nothing. Don’t come out!” but it was too late and as she opened up the stall door I panicked and pointed the broken bottle at her and said “I’m not afraid to cut you”.  This is when I realized that things might get misconstrued and that I may have fucked up my whole “Don’t cause drama or I’ll stab you rule” myself but she was all “You’re Jenny, right?” which was a relief because then I knew that she’d know to not to take me seriously but it was also a little insulting because I think I just got recognized for brandishing a broken wine bottle in the bathroom.

I'll cut a bitch

Then she very sweetly helped me pick up most of the pieces and even took a picture and then I very responsibly went straight to the concierge desk and told them that there had apparently been some sort of horrific fight in the bathroom and they were appropriately shocked and very thankful that I was such a responsible person who would alert them to someone else’s bad behavior who was not me at all. I felt a little bad about that but then this morning they forgot my wake-up call so I think we’re even.

More later…

Comment of the day: Can I borrow the kimono, wig, the two people in the background, and broken bottle for the Erma Bombeck writing conference I’m attending in Dayton OH in April? And some coke and a monkey? ~ Julie, The Wife

137 thoughts on “You really can’t take me anywhere.”

Read comments below or add one.

  8. I’m rolling on the floor laughing at the thought of you brandishing this broken bottle and telling a perfect stranger you weren’t afraid to cut her…..and she immediately recognized you, even with a new wonderful hairdo…. Do people even use that word anymore, or is it just in Texas? And was she from Texas? Cause you know we’re all friendly and helpful like that. Take your xanax and have a good time.

  12. You are such an elegant flower, standing there in your beehive wig with a broken bottle. I’ll bet you get all the men hitting on you in the beer bars.

  13. Love the Wig. What do I have to do to get invited into the bathroom in Mad Men cloths with the Bloggess? That goes on my bucket list.

  17. I’m sure Heloise has been exposed to worse conversations. Next time, invite her up to watch the porn with you.

  22. I’ve always been really afraid to meet Heloise. I’d always feel like I was doing something wrong. You know, like, when you’re driving along and a cop pulls out behind you and suddenly you are reviewing everything you ever learned in Driver’s Ed but you can’t remember all of it so then you become certain that you’re doing something wrong and you panic and pull over into a parking lot but then you realize that the parking lot you just pulled into is a strip club and you’re like “shit… are strip clubs legal?” because you’re pretty sure they aren’t and somehow you are committing a felony for just being in the parking lot.
    .-= Allie´s last blog ..PLEASE STOP!! =-.

  30. First of all, you look gorgeous! You should start spreading the rumor that someone was stabbed in the bathroom by a bottle of Strawberry Hill and the ruckus involved Heloise and porn just to see how many attendees start drooling at the gossip and start blogging.
    .-= Alice´s last blog ..In Heaven – There Ain’t No Rotten Meat =-.

  32. In other news, you used the word nonplussed wrong. Nonplussed means the exact opposite of what it sounds like.

    Seriously, look it up!

    (And no, I don’t think I’m better than you, I’ve used nonplussed wrong for years, and now that I know what it really means, I think everyone needs to know.)
    .-= Ells´s last blog ..Off-topic =-.

  33. I so need to get my ass to the states and come party with you. And the broken bottle with the outfit are totally don’t match, you need a classier weapon

  34. If Heloise had been in the bathroom with you, I bet she would have come up with some neat trick for getting all of the broken glass off the floor. “Ladies, all you need to clean up this shattered mess is a hair dryer and two empty toilet paper rolls. Viola!”
    .-= Mermanda´s last blog ..New Look at Cusp of Normal! =-.

  36. I’ve spilled my share of wine and I’ve come up with some pretty creative excuses, but I’ve never *once* blamed it on my petticoat. Nice.

  37. Gorgeous. You. Hawt.

    Now you just make the bathrooms the hottest place to be at every SM conference that you attend.

    SM = Social Media. Not sure whether you are into the other SM. But if you are, it totally explains the broken bottle… and the porn.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Raising Boys =-.

  39. You know, you make me feel better about wanting to hide in bathrooms during social events. I am HORRIBLE at them. I get all panic-y and stick like glue to the one person I know, but they get all, “why is this person leaning against me?” and some little kid asks if my friend is married. It all makes sense IN CONTEXT, which is obviously not here. Let’s just say yay for the bathroom and I’ll hang out with you in there any time. Except if you cut me. Or someone else. I faint at the sight of blood. No joke. 😉
    .-= Kira´s last blog ..{detour: homegirl is FREAKING OUT} =-.

  42. ” I think I just got recognized for brandishing a broken wine bottle in the bathroom.” Love it! You are hilarious and beautiful- that is what makes you very distinctive!

    P.S.- Ever since I discovered your blog I have been addicted to it. Cannot tell you how much I love your sense of humor! You are wonderfully funny!

  45. Really. Do you have any idea how bad it hurts to snort (or is it blow) Diet Dr.Pepper out your nose? There definitely isn’t anything diet about the carbonation. I’d feel sorry for you for being all panicky, but your bathroom stories are the best ever…so I vote BRING ON THE PANIC ATTACKS!

  47. I don’t know why people are saying the 2nd pic is Kathy Bates material…Maybe it’s just me, but it’s very Stevie Nicks-ish. Isn’t that how she got the members of Fleetwood Mac to quit arguing for 5 seconds back in the day?

  48. That’s why I don’t go to conferences. I have all the social anxiety and I don’t look nearly as cute. If you threaten to cut someone, they think you’re being funny. If I did, someone would call the police and my claim to fame would be being the blogger who made the evening news for threatening other bloggers in the bathroom.

  51. Kathy Bates? I was getting more of a Stevie Nicks, White Winged Dove vibe. Especially with the broken wine bottle and barbiturates. I’m positive you were the Belle of the (entire) Conference, as you should have been.

  56. Don’t worry about the brandishing thing. Heck, I brandish shit all the time–bottles, knives…once, to get out of a bar, I had to brandish a passed-out Steven Seagal at a couple of bouncers. Nothing ever comes of it. Except I learned from the Steven Seagal thing that you shouldn’t take a picture of yourself brandishing, so you might want to delete that. Also, you’re going to need to find the chick you brandished the bottle at and whack her, because now she’s a witness and all. Just make sure there’s no pictures or witnesses when you do THAT, or this whole process can really drag out.
    Then, you’re golden! Happy mommies conference!
    .-= pjwaldron´s last blog ..Must Remember Talking Points =-.

  57. This reminds me of an academic conference I went to (not very exciting affairs; picture Monty Python’s Philosophers’ Football match). Anyway, my friend and I couldn’t afford the bar’s beer, so we smuggled a six-pack into the women’s restroom, only to realize we forgot to bring a bottle opener. Solution? We used the lock on the bathroom door as an edge, then slammed the caps off with our fists. It was beautiful. And we only bruised a little bit.
    .-= Only Words To Play With´s last blog ..Notes on Bartleby and Zero =-.

  60. There’s so much I could say but truthfully, I just want to let you know you’re as cute as a button.
    Like you didn’t know. I’m sure you did. Or do. Whatever.
    If I wasn’t so pious about the English language, I might even call you “hawt”.
    But I vigilantly guard proper English. So yeah. Sorry about the non-hawt thing.
    Is “cute” okay?
    ?

  64. you need to wrap your bottle in bubble wrap, that way if you drop it on the bathroom floor, it has a greater chance of surviving, but it does make it kind of useless as a weapon for stabbing but not bad for bludgeoning.

  65. You look beautiful with that hair! And it was so nice of your Mom and Dad to come out to support you. (They are so young!)
    .-= Cat Lady Diary´s last blog .. =-.

  67. And that’s why petticoats are no longer everyday-wear. Because of the *danger.*

    I should’ve known that you were willing to live life on the edge.

  70. Oh man your conference shits on all the conferences I have ever been too. Porn, margaritas, broken wine bottles and stabbing. What more could you want? My conferences are in neuroscience which translates as nerds, pocket protectors and brain numbing boredom and me cleaning out the mini bar to try and make it through the conference. I did discover that those tiny little bottles of Jack do fit nicely in a pencil case though!
    .-= Michelle Roger´s last blog ..How To Spot A Sick Chicken. =-.

  71. Will you go to this conference I signed up for and pretend to be me? I’ll supply the appropriate wig. And the Xanax. And the cheap wine. And the petticoat. And I could probably find some porn. Hm. Dude, I tell you what, I’ll just come with you because that sounds like an awesome conference.

  75. You absolutely have to join the gang I am forming. HAVE TO NOW! You can be the Glitter Gang Czar. I promise, even thought its my gang…I would totally let you have that title, just make sure you keep that weapon. Very unsuspecting.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Pussies, Pigtails and Glitter =-.

  76. The shot of you brandishing a broken bottle, free hand on hip (totally Vanity fair cover girl material, by the way) is such a turn on.

  78. I can’t believe no one has mentioned your fabulous boobs! Beautiful face, gorgeous wig, great kimono thing, but really, the highlight is your fantastic tatas. Honestly, you’re sexy without being intimidating, perhaps THE funniest person I’ve ever stalked, and you’re more than a little crazy. In truth, you are my perfect woman, and I’m not even completely gay.

  81. Wow.
    You are actually ARE real life babe & not a psychotic weirdo living in her parents basement?
    I’d never have guessed, but I’m happy to know the truth…
    Victor was one smaht lad.

    Happy Trails,
    DT
    .-= doubletrouble´s last blog ..Media Vomit =-.

  85. I made The Spouse mute whatever teevee program he was watching so I could read this out loud to him (and, I might point out, I am sitting in what is basically an empty apartment so everything echos) but I was laughing so hard I don’t think he fully appreciates your awesomeness.

    Isn’t there a scene at the beginning of Show Girls where our protagonist has to chase away some trouble maker by saying “I’m gonna CUT YOU!”? Not exactly Mad Men vintage, but vintage nonetheless.

    Rock on! We are so proud of you!
    .-= The Expatresse´s last blog ..Are You Ready, Kids? =-.

  87. Just a random compliment- I think you may be the world’s most gorgeous bar room fighter- though in a, “I wish I could look that hot brandishing a broken bottle” way, rather than a “do me now, but please put down the bottle first,” way.

  91. OMG! You did it! Congratulations! You are the best CAT PERSON ever! A picture of your trained cat as a “Bumpit”, finally! You are the most pet friendly AWESOME fashionista bar room brawler except in the ladies room ever!!!!
    .-= Lookielou´s last blog ..Woofy Woo and Meow too! =-.

  94. I might buy that as a greeting card. Don’t know what the caption should be. Maybe you should have a contest where the top 3 entries are made into greeting cards and you keep all the profits!
    .-= mousebert´s last blog ..I need more cowbells! =-.

  95. thank fucking god i am no longer the only person i know who has sent a full bottle of wine crashing to a public bathroom floor. shit happens.

    (not that anyone’s interested but i was at a huge picnic and waiting on the bathroom line with mr. snarky and was crowing about how i had managed to snag the last bottle of wine at the whole freaking shindig just for us when i set it down and then accidentally knocked it off the sink with my ginormous purse. i cried, then ran. the moral of the story? don’t share. if i had hoarded it and secretly drank it all by myself everything would have been fine.)

    ok sorry for longest comment ever. from me, anyway. and i am still waiting to send out our “save the date” cards so let me know when you want to do that whole marriage thing.
    .-= Snarkier Than You´s last blog ..Aaaand Just Like That, The Tip Slips In… =-.

  96. Bathrooms are where all the troublemaking women hang out. Like if I was a tough ass biker chick, I would HAVE to hangout in bathrooms of public places. Cos like, that’s where fights break out and wine bottles get broken. omg Jenny…..ITS YOU!! *gasp horror*
    .-= Mesina´s last blog ..Oh just a little FYI =-.

  97. Did Heloise raise one eyebrow when you told her about the porn? Because if she did, it either means she’s totally into it or that she’s secretly judging you. If it’s the second one, next time tell her you’re a porn director, and you’re reviewing the vids for self-improvement purposes. That will make it OK. Probably.

  98. You should have made a chalk outline of a body in the bathroom first before you went to the front desk, to add creditability to your story. Because you’re looking all Betty Draper and Betty Draper would NEVER cut anyone with a broken bottle because it would be unseemly. Joan on the other hand would….in the Achilles tendon because that’s how she rolls. Don’t mess with Joan!

    Or the Bloggess!
    .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..Best. Snowshoes. Ever. =-.

  102. Drugs…that’s what friends are for. I was introduced to weed for the first time at 36 yrs old during my first 6 months of chemo when my two best girlfriends took me out to the lake after dark and showed me the proper way to smoke it. Unfortunately, it only made my throat burn, but at least I had a bottle of Boone’s Melonball to soothe it. I’m still pissed the weed did nothing for me, but I’ll never forget that night. Ahhh, good times…
    PS: Boone’s said they quit making melonball, their best wine EVER, but when I was in Vegas it was on the shelf @ Smiths there. I was like, WTF?!? If anyone out there knows where I can find more, fix me up…

  104. You…..broken bottle……..robe…….pills……..alcohol………NICE!

    I wish the Dad’s Conferences were as cool! But sadly no, just a bunch of overweight bald dudes, reminiscing about the good old days and blow up dolls…….
    Oops……that’s the OTHER conference I’m thinking about.

    Three kids = No brain cells left!
    Come visit us again sometime. All the best!
    .-= One of The Guys´s last blog ..The Rules of Exaggeration! =-.

  106. I heard from those the tweeting birds (or are they people? I don’t I get people & birds confused) anyway I heard that your coat was ab-so-freaking-lutely fab and it is. I’m drooling over it, which is gross to admit but still I am.

    I am also pretty sure that getting recognized for brandishing wine bottles in bathrooms at conference parties while threatening to “cut a bitch” is how you know you’ve made. It’s practically like you are the Heloise of bitch cutting.
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Postpartum Depression Can Still SUCK IT =-.

  107. I have GOT to start taking more drugs, wearing wigs, and hanging out with cheap wine in the bathroom. I’m doing this bitch aaaalllll wrong.
    .-= Mocha´s last blog ..Purse Update =-.

  112. I like to torture my husband by reading your posts out loud to him, but it’s torture because I’m laughing so hard that he can’t understand a word I’m saying and then when I’m laughing so hard that I start crying he walks away. So maybe I could borrow that broken bottle – Anyway, what i’m saying is I think you’re funny.
    .-= Christine´s last blog ..Roasted Chickpeas =-.

  115. I did actually find out that I use nonplussed incorrectly like a year ago but I can’t stop. I’m hoping that if I keep using it incorrectly the definition will change to mine. In fact, a year ago this month I blogged about it:http://thebloggess.com/?p=1453

    Also? That is TOTALLY Strawberry Hill. You can tell because of the pink line on the bottom of the bottle. Hang on. Plus a hundred people saw me lugging it around and commented that they had lost their virginity to it. Lemme see if I have another picture…

  116. When I said “they had lost their virginity to it” I meant they’d lost their virginity while drinking it. They didn’t actually lose their virginity to a bottle of Strawberry Hill. Probably.

  118. You make me laugh every time you post. You are so genuine and brave and we <3 you. We meaning your readers, not like, multiple personalities.

  120. You need to hang out with some Irish folks. No one in the history of my family lost their drink or even spilled a drop. Seriously there should be an olympic event because my family would kick ass! Dude I totally morn the loss of your wine. My the Lord be with you…when you go to the liquor store to get another bottle of wine 🙂
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..How Verizon Saved My Life =-.

  121. I’ve always thought nonplussed was unfazed too! Was curious (ahem), so I looked on the internets, found this link, circa 1999, on the wiktionary which confirms that even though I don’t know what I’m talking about half the time, at least some of you understand me. Yay! I say as long as our grammar lines up with either the urban dictionary or this wiktionary thingy, I feel like we’re doing great.

    http://www.randomhouse.com/wotd/index.pperl?date=19991221

    (if you don’t want to read it, it basically says, “Nonplussed: You’re using it wrong, Bloggess, but so is the New York Times.”)

  122. Yeah, you would have freaked me out a little if you pointed a broken bottle of strawberry hill at me. Even with the whole no stabbing rule and all. 😉

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  130. Jen,
    I’m glad to hear you’re having a good time and deftly fitting in . . . .
    your social skills have really improved since your last knife fight.

    Just the fact that it was you who called management shows real maturity. Or stupor.

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  135. I’ll remember that next time I break glass in the kitchen or bathroom, which I’m sure won’t be any later than tomorrow, I’ll don my best heels and walk on glass before I rush to vacuum… I may not remember YOU (sadly) in ten years, but your story will live on!
    Thanks!
    .-= Mama Lisha´s last blog ..Yearning for Soft =-.

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