So last weekend Victor’s company had a family retreat on a cruise-ship, which would have been nice if I wasn’t terrified of water, giant squid, flying and fucking everything else involved in this trip. Still, you can’t say no to a free family vacation (because Victor wouldn’t let me) so we packed up and headed to Miami. Then when I was getting on the plane Hailey said “Look. A pirate” and I started to shush her because last time she did that she was pointing at an elderly woman who had a hook for a hand but then I looked up and there was a motherfucking pirate on the plane. Then I tweeted that out because how do you not share something like that with the rest of the world and of course no one believed me so I tried to take pictures but he’d already sat down so when we hit Miami I planted myself in front of the airplane doors so I could get a shot of him and Victor was yelling at me to hurry up and I was all “PEOPLE ARE QUESTIONING MY INTEGRITY ON TWITTER SO BACK OFF, DUDE” and he sighed grumpily but just then the pirate came out and I got a blurry camera phone picture of him. Then a lot of people on twitter apologized for doubting me but several pointed out that he was more likely dressed as a patriot for a Tea-bagger convention and then I just felt betrayed and I was all “Fucking Republicans ruin shit for everybody” and Victor was all “You know what would be nice? If just one family vacation didn’t end with you blaming Republicans” and I was all “This is why nobody trusts Republicans, Victor” and then he made me promise not to talk to anyone at his company about anything ever. Apparently he forgot about that because as soon as we got to the hotel he asked me to go help his coworker stuff notebooks for the retreat which was just a horrible suggestion. Victor’s coworker and her husband asked if I’d gone down to the ocean yet and I said that I couldn’t really appreciate it because I kept thinking about all the dead bodies in the water and they both got really quiet and I was all “You guys do watch Dexter, right?” And they were all “Oh, yeah. Dexter’s great.” But then later I found out that they don’t have cable and they thought I was talking about Dexter’s Laboratory. True story, y’all. Victor’s coworkers thought I was freaked out about a cartoon character dumping corpses in the Miami bay. Awesome.
When we were done I walked back downstairs to our hotel room and if you looked out our front door and to the left while you stood on our suitcase you could almost see the ocean, so yeah, it was a pretty great room. Also, the walls were paper thin and around midnight Victor and I were still working on our laptops while Hailey slept when suddenly the room next to us was filled with the voices of four drunken men who were so loud it was like they were in the room with us.
Loud drunks next door: “SHE DOESN’T DESERVE YOU, MAN!” “SHE’S A DAMN SKANK, DUDE.” “YOU ARE THE MAN!”
Loud drunks next door: “YOU ARE SO MONEY AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW IT, MAN!”
me: Awesome. I’ve just entered the set of Swingers.
Loud drunks: “YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO? WE SHOULD BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!” “ROAD TRIP! WOOOOHOOO!”
This is when I called man at the front desk and asked him to tell the guys in 112 to keep it down and also to tell them that everyone in room 110 agrees that that skank does not deserve him except for the 5 year old who now wants to know what a skank is and the front desk guy said that he’d call the room immediately and tell them that but then he totally didn’t and do you know how I know? Because I can hear their phone, Best Western. You guys are fucking liars.
The next morning we boarded the ship and I had a mild panic attack as we got ready to be called to our muster station for an emergency drill, because there’s nothing more calming than acting out a scene from the Titanic as soon as you get on a ship. Hailey loved it though and carried around her lifejacket yelling “This mustard is awesome!” and I didn’t say anything because I didn’t even know where to start correcting her. Then the person doing the drill assured us that there were plenty of lifeboats which were made out of a material that makes them “unsinkable” and first of all you shouldn’t say “unsinkable” on a cruise ship because didn’t you learn anything from the Titanic? and secondly why didn’t they make the cruise ship out of the same material? No one had an answer. Then they showed us pictures of stuff to do on the cruise and one of the things was to get your picture made in front of A BACKDROP FROM TITANIC and I was all “Are you fucking kidding me?” and no, they totally weren’t. Then we sailed off toward the Bermuda Triangle. None of this is made up.
This is where I would type the rest of the story because it involves bloodloss and penises in boxes but I can’t because my finger hurts and I think it might be broken so I’m going in for more xrays in the morning. Also, I’m on a lot of painkillers. Have I mentioned that? To be continued. Probably.
Comment of the day: Why, exactly were you “fucking everything else involved in this trip”? I can understand why Victor was upset. ~ Mojo
154 thoughts on “I’m on a lot of painkillers”
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This is why my personal motto is: Nature hates you and wants you dead.
.-= Val´s last blog ..You’re Killin’ Me, Smalls =-.
Those people on your cruise ship owe you a WORLD of thanks!!
Sailing into the Bermuda triangle while everyone is completely ignoring the fate-temptation of bringing the titanic into the equation? That’s dangerous stuff.
But YOU, you were onto the slippery little conspiracy slope of ‘backdrop to Titanic=soon to be sunken ship in the Bermuda triangle” and just by YOU knowing it, nothing bad could happen.
Glad you’re back on dry ground….way to wise up to the ironies before the ironies wised up to YOU.
.-= ALH009´s last blog ..ALH009: Very excited about my St. Patrick’s Day date tomorrow: just me and @craigyferg (and 2172 other people soused on green beer). =-.
It almost looks like I wouldn’t have a panic attack if I was next to you…but I totally would because HELLO, there is nothing to stop a person from somehow flinging themselves off the side and into said dead corpse depths…absolutley nothing, even if you are so far from having any suicidal thoughts it just something that could totally happen.
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Mexican Doritos, Golden Showers And The Chupacabra =-.
For your mp3 player I suggest Jonathan Coulton’s “I Crush Everything,” the finest song ever written about a lovelorn giant squid.
You know, I would have believed you about the pirate on the plane. But you should have recorded the guys next door saying “you’re so money,” because that’s too good/ douchey to be true. No way.
.-= lbelgray´s last blog ..Gifts for the dad who feels everything =-.
As much as I love the ocean, I can’t enjoy it because of the dead bodies and the creatures which may create more dead bodies (most specifically MINE).
Tea parties should not involve grown-ups or politics. They should be the realm of little girls and plushie stuffed animals. See, you get pirates (and/or Republicans) involved in things and they just get complicated.
I’m glad that Victor’s latest attempt to get you lost in the Bermuda Triangle/dragged to a watery grave by a sea serpent was unsuccessful.
.-= msdarkstar´s last blog ..Non-Coffeehouse Sunday Stealing =-.
All that water just makes me want to pee.
Penises in boxes? Who’s penis and who’s box? Do tell!
I am getting funny looks from my co workers b/c I am laughing so hard….so now I had to e-mail everyone the link…and if they don’t laugh as hard as I did I am goign to break their fingers…..so they can feel your pain…and also, just b/c….
PS—– I wish I was on painkillers and NOT at work….I mean both…also I wish I was drinking champagne….all that
.-= NinjaDragonFly´s last blog ..Red Eye Alert =-.
OMFG that’s a fantastic picture!!!
.-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..i quit my sorority and i don’t do clubs =-.
You’re back from this little cruise, right? And you don’t plan on taking another one any time soon? So it’s okay to tell you that I had a friend from high school fall off of a cruise ship, get sucked under said cruise ship, and drown in Tampa Bay, right?
No lie. But he would have totally thought it was a rad way to die.
This is hilarious. I just woke up my wee one laughing so hard!!!
Are you sure you told the hotel front desk guy the right room number? Because maybe you told the night clerk the wrong room number. Which means you just had the night clerk tell some sleeping guest several doors down from you that they had to “explain what a skank is to a 5 year old” and then the front desk guy probably hung up but the poor couple in room were thinking it was some serial killer (who are prone to Miami as we all know) ordering them to seek out a five year old and explain what a skank is and if they didn’t complete their task they would be murdered and thrown in the ocean. Look what you did Jenny! Worst. Vacation. Evar!
I wish the Democratic party had rallies that involved dressing up as pirates… I’d feel a lot cooler.
You know, I think a lot more people would be Republicans if the GOP called itself the “Pirate Party.” People wouldn’t even care about all that political bullshit, they’d be like “A pirate party???? Where do I sign up!”
.-= Allie´s last blog ..7 Games You Can Play With a Brick =-.
That is such a gorgeous ocean ensamble that I’m sure the sea creatures would be all, “she knows how to be cool and not go bobbing for peen-i on an ocean cruise,” and head for the skanky girl in the thong bikini.
.-= Mandy Moore´s last blog ..I am officially writing to Obama to put a request in to make the 500 yard radius over my house a no-fly zone…for birds =-.
You’re really not going to want to hear this, but I’m going to tell you anyway. My sister-in-law is an FBI agent and also a certified special super-duper scuba diver with them. It’s crazy, I know. But, one of her grisly jobs entails diving for bodies when a plane crashes and terrorism is suspected. She says you don’t have to worry about the dead bodies, because the fish, you know, the fish, like the ones in Mrs. Paul’s fish sticks and on the fancy platter in the gourmet restaurants, they eat most of the bodies before they can even be retrieved.
So, when they tell us it’s healthier to eat more fish, they’re really telling us it’s healthier to be cannibals.
.-= joann mannix´s last blog ..Some Luck Is Just Plain Crappier Than Dumb Luck =-.
A. They don’t have a TV = they are confused assholes.
B. What is it like being a Texan who hates Republicans? I wonder, because I’m a Catholic who thinks being gay is OK and doesn’t get all judgy about other women’s bodies. That means I’m going to Hell because that’s what the church does to liberals. What does Texas do to liberals?
.-= Sarah p´s last blog ..My mother: Decoded, and other fun facts =-.
Whoa….Colonel Mustard drives a Cruise ship?
Now when I’m on a cruise ship I’ll picture Dexter, Kraaken & Cluedo.
Cruise ships = Jail with the option of drowning
So Tea Baggers expect to be taken seriously when they’re dressed like Johnny Depp in that movie? Seriously?
.-= Edgy Mama´s last blog ..Weekly parent: not speaking the same language as my kids =-.
You know, that picture of you (I’m assuming it’s you, but it’s hard to tell with the floppy hat covering the face) is almost always the penultimate shot in movies about Black Widows (the homicidal women, not the equally homicidal spiders. Actually, the spiders are a pinch MORE homicidal, since they not only kill their mates, they’ll also kill actual homos (as in sapiens) if they bite you. Anyway…) Those movies almost always end with Theresa Russell, or Kathleen Turner, or, if it’s super cheap, Kim Cattrall, sitting on a cruise ship, staring out at the azure sea, with her bare feet on the rail, a tropical drink by her side, and a big floppy sun hat concealing her face because she’s just killed a man and framed Debra Winger, or William Hurt, or, if it’s super cheap, Rob Lowe for the crime. So I can only assume you killed Victor and dumped his body overboard, trusting that it would just get lost in all the other bodies bobbing around out there. Unless he took the picture, in which case I can only assume he’s your accomplice and you just haven’t gotten around to framing him yet.
Anyway. Hope your finger feels better.
.-= Scott C.´s last blog ..The Hipwaders of the Fisherman =-.
You know, I’d actually be more afraid of a cartoon character serial killer. I mean, there you are, enjoying your piña colada on the beach and a giant, 2-dimensional ginger walks up and stabs you. Horrifying.
.-= Allie´s last blog ..7 Games You Can Play With a Brick =-.
A broken finger, dead bodies in the ocean, organs in boxes- sure that cruise wasn’t to Jersey?
Awesome, wrapped in awesome. Accounts like this are why I read your blog every day.
.-= USCitizen´s last blog ..Buy A Gun Day Approaches Once Again =-.
Would you mind coming to Swissland with my hubby and me? Because there’s sure to be some problems with that flight, I can feel it now, and if you’re there, I don’t think anyone would dare cause trouble because of how much on top of things you obviously are.
And, I’m glad your finger got some rest over the weekend, unless you had to use it to flip someone off, but couldn’t because it hurt and was in its little sling or whatever.
I am totally loving Joann’s comment (#16) up there. Glad I don’t eat fish, though…
.-= suburbancorrespondent´s last blog ..Party Of The First Part =-.
Well, I WAS looking forward to going on a cruise, even though I have a fear of reliving the sinking of the Titanic — more so I was looking forward to hooking up with a little Di Caprio action, but that’s another comment — but now I just don’t know. Perhaps I will need drugs to accomplish this bon voyage, especially if there are penises in a box involved. Do you think?
.-= Fragrant Liar´s last blog ..The Beast Invades =-.
I think I may be jealous that you are on a cruise. But, when I was younger (a few months ago) one of my friends had a psychic party and the psychic said. “You are going on a cruise. Don’t go. The ship is going to sink.” So, I might have been fish food if I had gone on a cruise that I had never ever planned since that night.
I really like this font. What font is it?
I HATE mustard. Even on corn dogs. Blech.
.-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..How the FDA Gave Me HPV =-.
Had I been I twitter when you tweeted about the pirate on the plane I would have totally believed you.
.-= tokenblogger´s last blog ..I’m still down and it’s still gray… =-.
Hilarious post. Hubby has been telling me for years that, for our 25th wedding anniversary (providing neither of us Dexters the other and dumps the body in the ocean first), he’d take me on a cruise. But now, after you mentioning the giant squid and the fact that ships still sail into the fucking Bermuda Triangle, I’m thinking sticking to land is sounding like a better option.
.-= Surviving Lotus Land´s last blog ..Got Wood? =-.
I went on a dinner cruise in the Bermuda Triangle once (note: ONCE). The Captain was all, “Yah. We don’t call it *disappearing,* we call it *an adventure.*
I called him fucking nuts and in need of a lay.
Or? Maybe he just needed that octopus.
We have what is equivalent to Republicans in office in Canada right now, and you are right, they DO ruin everything.
Hey, can you do another post about Canada soon? Or come visit or something. You totally have a Canadian sense of humour.
.-= Finola´s last blog ..On Metcalf Street =-.
oh, you are not imagining things, girl. everyone knows that repulicans, best westerns, and people who don’t watch cable can’t be fucking trusted. i’d be wearing all black amidst this axis of evil, too.
Colonel Mustard … in a lifeboat … with a flotation device!
You know, next time, you can probably just call the desk and ask for room 112, and get connected directly to the idiots yourself. Imagine what fun you could have with that! You could be the irate neighbor, sure. But you could also be the management, the police, the skank’s best friend…the possibilities are endless!
So the power of The Bloggess is greater than the power of the Bermuda Triangle? I am impressed.
.-= a´s last blog ..Show And Tell – Stealing Mel’s idea =-.
Absolutely fabulous. I wonder what they’d serve at a Mustard Station? Bread? Ham? Turkey? Eggs? I suppose the list is endless. It’s a shame your Mustard Station probably only included orange vests and sweat.
Love the photo. Could be an ad for a relaxing vacation. Not one that includes broken bones, dead bodies, giant squid and pain killers.
As always, thanks for the great read!
.-= Fran´s last blog ..Milk Jam, Cheesecake and a Bonus — Spanish Food 101 =-.
Whenever I watch Dexter I start thinking like him. I mean, after listening to his thoughts for so long I become aware of my internal dialogue, and let me tell you something: My internal dialogue gets SCARY when it gets a craving for kraft dinner.
Also, I agree with Finola completely. Come to Canada: we have wolverines.
Only we might not have wolverines, but then again apparently we have polar bears so I’m pretty sure we’re allowed to just claim any awesome animal we want. Let me tell you something, Jenny: I do not have a pet polar bear.
.-= Tim´s last blog ..Theatre School Audition Number One: Ryerson University =-.
Maybe my stories would be this ridiculous if I actually went outside and talked to people occasionally? I think I’d also have to turn off the mental block that stops me from saying ridiculous things to strangers.
.-= The Great Joe Bivins´s last blog ..I’m Not in the Mood to Make Up A Clever Title For You Assholes (This Doesn’t Count) =-.
Yeah, I don’t think a cruise ship should have anything remotely resembling or referencing Titanic on board. It’s just asking for an iceberg…and I don’t care if it is the tropics, there’s probably an icerberg stuck in the Bermuda Triangle.
“Skank.” Isn’t that just one of the best sounding words? So definitive… and just so perfect for some of those thong-clad chicks (as one poster said)… especially for certain pink clad ones, maybe with a wandering eye, who just seem to need to wash their boyfriend’s car in the driveway over and over and over and over… (that SURE is one dirty car)… course no-one notices the wandering eye, and the not-so-fresh looking hair, what with all the junk on display… certainly not my Ex…)
Err, sorry… must have drifted off there. That was a great post Bloggess… Thanks for the laugh… I emphasize with your water fear—though I don’t fear water myself—I only fear people…. Live ones though, not the dead sea ones.
OMG, I totally would be thinking of all the bodies floating (or are they at the bottom? do dead bodies float in the ocean? did Dexter put weights in those bags?) out there because of vigilante justice and Dark Passengers.
I can’t do cruses because of the Titantic. Those underwater photos they showed us in fifth grade really scared the shit out of me, and now I don’t go on boats. Or ships. Maybe inflatable rings, though, because who doesn’t like a good lazy river…
The man at the desk probably figured if they were taking a road trip, they’d be gone soon anyway.
I bet his girl totally got with the teabag pirate.
.-= Bridget´s last blog ..What To Do In Cleveland for St. Patricks Day If You are Really Irish and Not A Poser =-.
Do you use voice recognition software?
And if it looks like a pirate, it’s probably a pirate. Were there mermaids too?
I wasn’t really paying attention when I was reading the first sentence, so this entire entry was disappointing because it wasn’t about a flying squid that fucks everything. Could you please write something about a nymphomaniac cephalopod tout suite? Thanks.
.-= Wendy´s last blog .. =-.
Wait, I mean obviously you don’t use voice recognition software if your fingers hurt at the end of this post, but I was curious to know if you’d tried it and what you thought.
Ok, everybody who’s ever been on a cruise has a cruise story, but you’ve got a lot of material here, what with
your cruise story being combined with a husband’s’-company-trip-where-you-shouldn’t-really-be-allowed-to-talk-to-anyone-ever story. Each could totally stand on it’s own. Having been on two cruises and about twenty-two husband company trips, I can totally relate to you thinking that the (aliens from corporate white bread boring tow the line mainstream masquerading as possibly real) people understood your Dexter reference, only to learn MUCH later that they in fact didn’t atall. This happens to me a lot. And it’s usually made worse because you keep going on the assumption that they DO get it long before you figure out just how deeply they Don’t, so that you’ve really dug yourself into deep assumption of whack-job do-do. Which would be fine if your husband’s ability to bring home dough didn’t somehow relate to them. Thank Christ you didn’t offer them a doobie. I have stepped on my (figurative) dick more than once in just this innocent manner. You try to be nice, and then whammo, you’re in the doghouse. AND you were on a cruise. WOW, that’s a lot of material. PLUS you started off with the pirate on the airplane and the tissue paper Best Western Walls. As If I didn’t have adult onset ADD.
ahhh the douche bag in its natural habitat. Best Western, sporting the Ed Hardy T-shirt screamin “you’re so money!” I go to school with these people. I’ve heard that yelled. scary but true.
I TOTALLY get your Dexter references. When I make comments about decorating my kill room people just get all weird. Gawd get Showtime people!!
.-= ModernSauce´s last blog ..Design Cliche: Balls to the (chalkboard) Wall! =-.
One word: Clonazapam!
.-= only words to play with´s last blog ..Referential Mania: Lady Gaga’s Telephone – Analysis and Observations, Part 2 =-.
They don’t make the whole ship out of the non-sinkable lifeboat material because if they did the boat would be too dense to float. So it would sink. Which would totally defeat the purpose.
Nature?! Outdoors?! ICKA. Funk that noise….that shit is scarey
.-= singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..It’s TMI Tuesday =-.
The suspense is killing me… please please write the followup….
The real question is did the Republicans sink the Titanic? Probably. Also I may now be on some CIA list- thanks a lot bloggess.
I love cruises but the one thing that terrifies me are rogue waves. Hey, it could happen!
.-= Karsun´s last blog ..Travel Warnings to Juarez….Really? =-.
There is nothing more scary than water and all the things hidden in it’s depths! Good luck on your cruise and hope you can actually enjoy it with all the things to worry about. Just don’t think about the Titanic.
Okay Tea Baggers has a whole different connotation in Australia. I never knew they had a traditional dress.
.-= Rusty Hoe´s last blog ..Hailstones, Hairy Legs and ‘Arse Illnesses’. =-.
When my sister was 3 and I was 5 my mom took us to France on the Queen Elizabeth. We had to do the drill with the life jackets and my sister didn’t really understand what was going on so she asked my mother in this really loud 3 year old voice if we were all going to drown now. Apparently I said ‘yes’ although I don’t remember that and since my mother prefers my sister to me and always has, I’m sure she was just making that up to make me feel worse about myself than I already do. But whatever, all the adults stared at my mother like she was raising Patty McCormack. If you don’t know who that is, then my heart breaks for you.
This was probably not the best comment to put on a blog about fearing water and drowning.
.-= Suzy´s last blog ..It Has Been Brought To My Attention That I’m Not As Funny As I Think I Am =-.
I’ve talked to my giant squid friends and they swear that they won’t drag you to the bottom of the sea. At least not without a nice complement of mohitos.
.-= Lady M´s last blog ..A Different Kind of Sock =-.
As a trun of phase, are “ships going down” the same as “women going down?”
What do you MEAN this isn’t the sex blog ?!?!?!!!
Oh, for God’s sake….. like anyone really cares!
Obviously the nice lady is looking comfy on the deck in the calm and restful scene before the scene where the giant tentacle reaches up and grabs her by the hoohah and pulls her into the giant hungry beak of death and every one on deck hears a loud cracking sound but doesn’t know what it is…..because they don’t recognise the sound of every vertebral bone in the spine snapping at once . . . . . .because it is their turn next.
I love cruises.
Trun is my new favorite word.
Wow, that does look really difficult and trying.*COUGH*jackass*COUGH* I hope you take advantage of the shows on the cruise, because it’s the only way to truly embrace your inner Julie McCoy, you just have to get your love boat mojo, baby. See you on the Lido deck.
.-= Jacquie´s last blog ..I don’t know who to blame, but someone appears to be raising these kids right =-.
I too fear the ocean bodies…lots of booze cured my phobia quite nicely!
You’re lucky that “skank” is all you had to deal with, under the circumstances. You should have just had Victor plug Hailey’s ears and then gone off on one of your priceless insane rants at full volume until they were shocked into silence. Then you could say in as creepy a voice as you could muster, “I can HEAR you listening, boys.” Boom, quiet night.
Also, they’ll always say everything’s unsinkable or indestructible until something “goes wrong”. They pick out the special engineers for those projects who don’t bother planning for things “going wrong”. The best of the best.
.-= LiteralDan´s last blog ..Classic quotes, Vol. 23 =-.
I don’t even worry about squids and sea monsters when I’m on a cruise ship. I worry about mega giant sharks. Hey, giant sharks are totally real – they made two whole movies about it and you totally know with all the chemicals we pour into the ocean, we’re breeding giant, whale sized sharks. Haven’t you seen Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus?
Plus haven’t you seen shark week? They jump like 50 feet into the air and snatch birds and planes and play Frisbee with giant sea turtles. So a ship should be nothing.
.-= Zoe Right´s last blog ..A picture’s worth… =-.
http://www.optipess.com/2010/03/15/bad-girl/ <—so I saw that and immediately thought of you.
Wait-I thought Repulicans WERE pirates and Democrates were ninjas-isn’t that where the whole pirates v/s ninjas thing orignated? Thanks a lot internet…you’ve totally ruined CNN for me.
I once got a penis in a box for Christmas.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..A peek inside the teenager’s mind =-.
Contained the longest sentence I’ve ever read. Made my eyes bulge. Oh, but I do love the photo.
.-= Di´s last blog ..The Color Pink =-.
I love the mustard. Your kid is top class.
.-= London City Mum´s last blog ..Photo meme =-.
It would be awesome if they had mustard at the muster stations where you could see a pilot on the boat while discussing the pirate on the plane. Irony? I have no idea – that’s a private conversation between you, me, and Alanis Morrisette.
I’m on Vicodin, too.
.-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Wrapping up the Week – March 14, 2010 =-.
I love this for a whole slew of reasons, and consider me your new favorite reader EVER. EVER.
Do you know that the Tea Party has ruined the names of small businesses everywhere, because they’ve screwed up Internet searches for places that have “Tea Parties”. I thought Republicans were for small business – obviously a lie.
Unlike krakens, which are real.
.-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Un Mal Dia =-.
This seriously made me fall out of my chair: “The next morning we boarded the ship and I had a mild panic attack as we got ready to be called to our muster station for an emergency drill, because there’s nothing more calming than acting out a scene from the Titanic as soon as you get on a ship.”
Hubby and I are going on our first cruise in a few months…to Bermuda. Note to self: Do not watch “Titanic” before this trip.
Thank you for a nice laugh at the beginning of a work day.
They should also make airplanes out of the “Indestructible” stuff with which they make the black boxes. (That’s an awkward sentence. I wanted to say, “the stuff the make the black boxes out of”, but that ends in a preposition and someone once told me that I’m not supposed to do that. Of course, someone once told me not to drive and talk on my cell phone, and I do that anyhow. I wonder why the preposition thing stuck. Oh, by the way, the “black boxes”…not even black. They’re orange or something. (Is there any real point to closing parenthesis at this point? I mean my parenthetical statement is now, like WAY longer than my original statement, and you’ve probably all forgotten that I opened parenthesis way back up there. (Who am I kidding? None of you are still reading this at this point. Screw it, I’m leaving them all open. Somewhere, a computer programmer will have a fit, but it’s probably the guy that makes my iTunes freeze every time I get an e-mail.
Love you Jenny! If you have extra pain pill, you know who to send them to! (Damn, preposition thing again!)
They retrieved all the bodies from the bay remember? Now Dexter dumps them in the Atlantic so the Gulf stream will catch them and take them away… to England, I guess, which is already full of bodies because Henry VIII executed the whole cast of The Tudors. So you could have dismissed that concern. This time change is making me feel totally homicidal. I slept late again, I’m not wearing green, and if anyone even thinks of pinching me, they should be prepared to be stabbed!
Oh and it’s Spring Break season so that’s probably why the drunk guys were in the room next to you!
I refuse to go on a cruise unless I’m allowed (by my husband) to wear swimmies the entire time. And since he would probably pretend not to know me, and those tan lines would just suck, I just refuse to go on a cruise.
So, YAY for you for being brave!
.-= Chickadee´s last blog ..Now I Can’t Decide What’s Worse =-.
I’m going to release the Kracken on your ass if you don’t watch it. Try to guess what I’m referring to when I say Kracken.
Hint: it’s my penis.
.-= furiousball´s last blog ..The Sun Is Shining =-.
I’m not sure which is funnier, the teabagger wearing his costume on a freakin’ plane or Hailey and “awesome mustard.” God, I can’t wait to read the rest of the story.
Hah, I totally love you. You make laugh lmfao.
.-= Sarcastica´s last blog ..Of videos and huge ass needles =-.
.-= Eric´s last blog ..snow is gone =-.
If “Dexter’s Laboratory” had more dead bodies, I may have considered watching it. Which brings me to my next question, what is “Dexter’s Laboratory”?
That is a great photo. I’m thinking I will take your water experience over my recent water experience if only because it looks a lot warmer. Although my water experience was minus giant squid worries, so there is that.
.-= Chicken´s last blog ..Life is a Highway… =-.
A TEA BAGGERS CONVENTION??
you just let that one slip right by. Sads sads.
.-= MODG´s last blog ..B’s BIG DEBUT ON MODG! EXCITEMENT AND STARS! =-.
“TEA-BAGGERS CONVENTION”?!!! What exactly do these pirates *do* at tea-baggers conventions?!
.-= Nenette´s last blog ..happy st. patty’s day! =-.
Although, gotta say, the fact that these folks are republicans doesn’t surprise me…
.-= Nenette´s last blog ..happy st. patty’s day! =-.
The loud guys in room 112 were actually Republicans too.
Lifeboats made of cheerios??
Our five year old went up to a guy with an eyepatch – not dressed as a pirate, but in khakis and a shirt, and loudly proclaimed, AAARRR. In the coffee shop. Now, I wish she could have seen your real pirate and kicked his teabagging ass. I’m glad you survived your cruise. I avoid the open water at all cost, not just because of the hideous creatures of the deep, but because W.C. Fields was right. Also, I have pasty white flammable Irish skin. Being surrounded by water just increases your odds of spontaneous combustion too damn much.
Now get hopped up on goofballs or pain pills and write the next installment. Also, when am I going to get my autographed ball gag? You know I want to be the winner of that, right?
You say you were on a lot of painkillers, how can we be sure this ACTUALLY happened and is not a figment of your drug induced hallucination?
Also, giant squids don’t attack ships, they attack sperm whales. So unless you’re a sperm whale swimming around a mile underwater in the Arctic, you’re safe. What you should really worry about is diarrhea and pirates. Both of those are known to plague the modern day cruise ship traveler.
I almost went down the same path as Wendy (commenter # 44) and was all “what??? giant squid that can fly and fuck everything??”. Can you imagine??
Cruise Ship+Water+Me=panic Attack. Thank God you survived! I wouldn’t have.
I can’t ever go on a cruise on account of the fact I burst into flames when I’m near even one ray of sunlight for more than ten minutes, so I am therefore WAY more afraid of the sun than any giant squid. And I get carsick so I can’t imagine how much being on a boat would make me barf. Although that stunning picture of you almost makes me think I’m wrong and that a cruise might be an excellent idea.
.-= Lesley´s last blog ..Yes, We Really Do Have Our Own Baseball Stadium Here At Um…What?? Headquarters (We Also Have an Indoor Ice Rink and A Skydiving Wind Tunnel Training Facility) (Okay, We Don’t Have Any Of These Things) (We Do Have A Carport, Though) =-.
Just curious, how did you explain the Skank?
.-= Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me´s last blog ..Little Leprechaun – Wordless Wednesday =-.
It’s funny because the moment you said Miami my mind went, “Ohh! Dexter! The Trinity Killer!” So when you said you kept thinking about the dead bodies in the ocean, I knew exactly what you meant. This is more proof that although I will never be funny like you, we share the same sense of humor. I love you.
I totally believe you about the pirate. And do you know why we blame Republicans? Because they are to blame. But I totally love the ocean. And I hope I don’t think about dead bodies. I only watched like 3 episodes of Dexter, we don’t have Showtime. And “you’re so money!” Seriously?!?! No wonder she left him. Probably because he was Republican.
.-= Rhonda´s last blog ..The Wedding Planner =-.
–>I thought it was Dick in a Box?
.-= WebSavvyMom´s last blog ..Post It Note Tuesday =-.
I really hope that you’ll finish this story because you can’t end on penis in a box and NOT tell the rest of it. Seriously. Curious minds are dying to know.
.-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..The Next Chapter =-.
did you know you have amazing eternal legs?
Hey, when I was in the Air Force I took Water Survival Training down near Miami. No-shit-for-real, as I was parachuting into Biscayne Bay, I saw a muthereffin GREAT WHITE SHAAAARK! (or maybe it was SHARKTOPUS) in the water, JAWS agape, waiting to eat me as a snack!
I’ll never go around the water down there, again.
.-= EdT.´s last blog ..THE TOOTH! NOTHING BUT THE TOOTH! =-.
I can’t even come up with a good comment for how amazing/funny/brilliant you are…So I’ll just tell you that that photo is gorgeous.
.-= Beckles´s last blog ..Life Lessons: Mall Edition =-.
nice gams jenny.
i hate the word gams. it’s senseless.
I hear the Bermuda Triangle is nice this time of year and that tickets are hard to get.
Oh, great, now pirates are boarding airplanes too? Is nothing sacred?
.-= Julie, The Wife´s last blog ..Spring Break Day 3: Fear of Abduction =-.
i’d be scared too if i had to fuck everything involved in that trip. my question is, is someone making you do it or is it something that kind of just happens when you go on retreats on cruise ships?
I am sitting here, multi-tasking, reading your latest post and have gotten to the part about the fucking Republicans, when the phone rings–it is a political robo-call. These things should be made illegal!!!! They interrupt you with their meaningless blather, and annoy the hell out of people. I would not vote for one of these fools if they offered to make me queen of the universe. I have made a list of names and plan, at some point, to publish it IN LARGE PRINT so they will know just how much they piss me off.
Now I am going back to my reading.
.-= Judie McEwen´s last blog .."Saturday, In The Park, …." =-.
I get the rest, but why did you dress up like Goldie Hawn in Overboard?
BTW, I can’t really top the drunk guys next door forcing me to explain skank to a 5 year old, but to commisserate both my engagement night and my wedding night were interupted by the drunk people next door yelling. In the case of the wedding night it was another wedding party. When my new hubby went out to tell them to quiet down b/c we just got married and were trying to sleep, the totally drunk bride said – well, I just got married too! Then the super drunk 5’3 groomsmen decided to argue the point with my 6’3 husband till his slightly more sober friend stepped in between them to say he’d take care of it.
Welcome to New Jersey.
.-= My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..It’s like wild kingdom in here. =-.
I think I could handle the giant squid. I’m afraid I would catch one of those unknown illnesses that those big cruise ships seem to get all the time and I would be the one that died.
“…working on our laptops”? I am totally using that:
“What was that noise, mommy?”
“Go back to sleep honey, daddy and I were just working on our laptops”
*I* wanna go and work on our laptops on a cruise.
.-= harmzie´s last blog ..Chicago =-.
Hey Jenny – Add me to your blogroll already!
Okay, I just have to say, that photo of you on the boat … gorgeous! How do you do it? Funny and beautiful at the same time, girl, you got skillz.
I was all set to say something fucking hilarious but got side tracked over your really awesome pic on the ship. Now I’m just blissfully imaging that its ME and not YOU in the pic and also that I am not sporting this massive oversized beachball (aka the pregnant belly) and am all sexy and sitting on a cruise ship but then…
I hit the bermuda triangle in my vision and shit happens that scares the living daylights out of me and now I can’t even THINK about going to bed (Cos its like 10pm here…yo) because scary squid people dressed as pirates are there. And a cat, but I don’t even know where the fuck he came from.
.-= Mesina´s last blog ..Ask Me: How to make a blog button =-.
I’m terrified to go on a cruise. I couldn’t even manage to not get sick on the car ferry that one time. All the Italian guys were like “What the fuck is wrong with that American bitch?”, except in Italian (but I could totally tell they were talking about me).
.-= Ellie Di´s last blog ..Wholestyle Icon: Sandra Bullock =-.
Dexter is awesome. His sister Dee Dee? Not so much.
And you don’t need to worry about the giant squid, the mega-shark will take care of that for you.
.-= mr farty´s last blog ..Psychiatrists ‘Worse Than Useless’, Psychiatric Study Shows =-.
I’m leaving for Miami in t-minus-2-days for a cruise.
I’m hoping the fact that you came back safely, not having sunk to the bottom or gotten eaten by giant squid (really? is the plural of squid still squid? I did not know that!) means that my odds are slightly less favorable. Had you been eaten by a squid I would have totally been all Garp and said “Woo-hoo! This means that statistically it’s almost impossible that I, too, will be eaten by squid (either singular or plural), so I’m going to enjoy the heck out of my cruise!!”
But that didn’t happen, so I’ll just sleep with one eye open.
I mean, I’m glad you made it out alive, but you can’t blame me for looking at it selfishly, can you??
.-= JustLinda´s last blog ..I saw George Clooney at the YMCA! =-.
Oh and the BUFFETS. Whenever someone says cruise ship, within the next 1.3 seconds they are raving about THE BUFFETS.
Which, if you were my Grandma–who never ever would’ve cruised anywhere except for up and down Flatbush Avenue in her Chevy–you would pronounce
.-= Ann’s Rants´s last blog ..Erma Bombeck Writing Contest: My Erma Bomb =-.
I cannot wait for the rest of this story, really Im all excited. Its really nice to know that Im not the only one who thinks about what really is going on. My boyfriend calls me out on it all the time too.. If he only knew.. the open water, sea monsters, the creature (he has other homes than the black lagoon), and not to even touch on what is really controlled by Mr. Davie Jones.
Thanks for all you do Bloggess!
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..‘FB’ =-.
Why, exactly were you “fucking everything else involved in this trip”. I can understand why Victor was upset.
I want that hat….where’d you get it mama?
Target. It’s where I got the hat, the dress and the bathing suit underneath.
When are you going to tell us how you were almost killed in Japan?
painkillers are for sharing…didn’t your momma teach you nothing?
Oh my goodness….I am TOTALLY….maybe…..POSSIBLY …..going on a cruise that leaves out of Miami soon….just have to get the city boy to agree !
Sadie at heyMamas
Penis’ in boxes? Way to leave us hanging Jenny. Way to leave us hanging. (your next blog post better be all about penis’ in boxes.)
ps. I bet that desk clerk you spoke to at the hotel was a Republican. Which is probably why he never called room 112.
At Comment number 81. Dexter’s lab. was probably one of the greatest cartoons ever shown on Cartoon Network. Before they sold their soul to the devil…
.-= Rebekah Mae´s last blog ..Le homme avec le blanc BMW. =-.
are you kidding me? You got a cruise ship? No way. I don’t if it was free. I couldn’t, not with all the world’s meds at my disposal which means even then b/c my psychiatrist is a lovely GIVING man
.-= jessica´s last blog ..Watch Out!!!! =-.
Random thought. I haven’t been appointed as a Czar, but I made a failed attempt to become the Supreme Dictator of the State of Utah a little while ago. I thought you could appreciate that.
“giant squid, flying and fucking everything else involved in this trip”……
I had to read this again, because I didn’t notice the comma after squid and I was like I didn’t know squid could fly and fuck at the same time, but then again the Burmuda Triangle was involved and I figured shit like that happened all the time there….whatever…..glad you didn’t drown!
My boyfriend has an obsession with those true crime stories on ID and TRU. Anyway, one night he was watching one and this guy killed his wife* and dumped her body in the ocean. So, I sat on the couch next to my boyfriend and was all, “I want you to promise me that you won’t kill me and dump my body in the ocean.”
“How about a lake or a pond? Is that acceptable?”
“Nope, nope, that won’t work either. How about this? I promise not to murder you, no matter how much I want to, and you promise not to murder me either. Deal?”
*they really aren’t kidding, it’s always the wife or husband…marriage is murderous
.-= Bri´s last blog ..He’s a Licker, Not a Fighter =-.
Could someone please just read my fucking blog and comment!!!!! I am an artist!!! I need strokes!!! Help me out here, for Christ’s sake!
.-= Judie McEwen´s last blog .."Saturday, In The Park, …." =-.
I follow politics and pirates as much as the next person, but when I hear “tea bagging”…I gotta be honest, my mind goes to a WHOLE other place.
what are the angles of the bermuda triangle? is it equilateral, isoceles, right-angled? and do they add up to 180 degrees? if it is a triangle, it needs to…unless it doesnt… then it would mean, this TOO was a Conspiracy! of the govt or the aliens… or the aliens disguised as govt!
.-= neers´s last blog ..heart – odds and evens =-.
I know this has nothing to do with this post but I found the cheap, less troublesome solution to the DEAD HOBO FINGER IN YOUR BRA PROBLEM. People in S, Korea are using sausages. I swear, I am not making this shit up. Here is the link.. I promise. http://www.ohgizmo.com/2010/02/12/south-korea-discovers-the-sausage-stylus/
My sister in law refuses to participate in a family cruise because she’s afraid of ice bergs. In the Caribbean.
I could not agree more about the ocean. Here’s my philosophy regarding the sea….The sea creatures/monsters/dead bodies do not invade my home……so I do not invade theirs. I just keep myself out of all oceans. You would not hear about any shark attacks, etc if people just stayed in their own environments.
its hard to believe that ‘Lets be best friends forever’ was overheard in a hotel room full of drunk men and not in a sandpit at Playschool. Oh wait, no its not…
.-= RubyTwoShoes´s last blog ..Driving down the highway, lookin for adventure, or whatever comes my way… =-.
Look at the bright side…there are no dried chicken strips. They would just get all hydrated in the ocean and lose their magical powers.
.-= LookieLou´s last blog ..When Chewy Strips Attack! =-.
That’s so funny…..hey, I’m a republican and I hardly ever wear a pirate costume. And all you liberals shouldn’t be so proud, I don’t see things getting so much better now! Your guy has put us in more debt in a year than ours did in four years. Wait, they both suck. I hate politicians.
this is for you.
That is a wonderful photo.
I made a drawing of you: Here.
Wow, when I first read “pirate,” I thought of a Somali with an AK-47 and “Now, how would Hailey know that was a pirate?”
Then I saw your picture and thought to myself, “Wow, the bloggess has lovely legs.” Because you do.
I asked the same damn question about those lifeboats and everyone thought I was a freakin’ moron. Cruises scare the begeezes out of me.
I’m late to the party again, but I figured I may as well respond anyway.
You really do have lovely legs.
But for the life of me I couldn’t figure out how you were on a Best Western cruise ship. I didn’t know that Best Westerns MADE cruise ships. But I figured it out. Crisis averted.
.-= kristy´s last blog ..Out Of Hibernation =-.
Thank you, Kayla, for reading my blog and leaving a comment. Unless you have a bizarre and fascinating life like the blogess seems to have, it is hard to get people to take your blog seriously. My only claim to fame is that 1. I am an artist, and art teacher, and founding member of the Southern Arizona Arts Guild, and 2. I am fascinated with cocktail napkins, and 3. I am a borderline agoraphobic who is subject to panic attacks when I get out of my comfort zone. I also run with scissors.
.-= Judie McEwen´s last blog .. =-.
I’m pretty sure this wasn’t your point but the only thing I’m really taking away from this post is that I desperately want to lounge on a ship wearing a black strapless dress and a gigantic hat because it looks very glamorous. Also I don’t watch Dexter so I would probably enjoy it more than you.
.-= the serious wanderer´s last blog ..How to avoid the mangling of the possessives of your words =-.
Thanks, everyone! Those strokes felt sooooooo good! In fact, they felt so good I want you to do it AGAIN! Kayla, Indigo, and Jenny, the blogess, you have a place in my heart! And if you are every in Tucson, you have a place at my dinner table, too! Plus, I have a FABULOUS collection of cocktail napkins!
.-= Judie McEwen´s last blog .. =-.
I meant to type EVER in Tucson–it’s been a long day!
.-= Judie McEwen´s last blog .. =-.
shit, you were not kidding about the pirate. pretty impressive
Thought I should let you know that my son saw your masthead just now, and asked, “Is that the Finger Woman?” Grrreat. I think that means you’re almost part of the family now.
.-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..The Passive Aggressive War Has Begun And Proverbial Fists Are Flyin’ =-.
Dead Diary: Read The Bloggess Today and LOL’d and LOL’d then read the comments and ROTFLOL’d. IMMD.
.-= JBMONCO´s last blog ..Comcast Customer Service – NOT! =-.
L O fucking L. i love this. i love all of it. and i’m sorry you were miserable but hot damn this hilarious!!
.-= ericka´s last blog ..i’ll try not so say the "p" word =-.
stories about sinkable boats make me frown.
.-= muskrat´s last blog ..you don’t forget the guys who run from the cops with you =-.
…blah, blah, blah……
i can’t believe NOBODY commented on your sexy ass stems! =)
You said “tea-baggers” *giggle*