Your husband is telling you to get off the damn computer. I’m fucking psychic.

This was supposed to be posted on Sunday but I was busy with the Zombie Apocalypse and gardening.  Kidding. I don’t garden.  And now…the weekly wrap-up:

    This week on my sex column (which is satirical and relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):

    This week on the internets:

    This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

    This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    45 replies. read them below or add one

    1. You know, my husband’s nickname is “Extremely long. Totally worth it.” What a coincidence!
      .-= gingela5´s last blog ..Celebrate… =-.

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    2. I saw that interview on ShePosts a few days ago and it never occurred to me that it was anything other than a sundress. Awesome!
      .-= Deana Birks´s last blog ..Yes, I wore white pantyhose (it was last century) =-.

      Like

    3. If I had a boss, maybe he would be a douche canoe? I wonder what that’d be like. Maybe good, maybe bad.
      .-= juliejulie´s last blog ..Just Peachy -Eating and Cooking with @juliejulie =-.

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    4. When I cash in and get my millions, I might decide to have a kept woman, and one of the ways I bet she’ll like to be kept is to have a tights budget the size of that 365-days-one-dress chick’s tights budget. I’ll be happy to buy her all the tights she desires. She’ll probably even have enough left over to buy more than one dress. Living large, a rainbow of tights. Sigh.

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    5. My husband is ALWAYS telling me to get off the computer. I have tried to convince him that now that I work for a newspaper, it is all “research”. Although his interest was piqued when he saw zombie apocalypse. We spend more time than normal discussing that.
      .-= Amy Mayfield´s last blog ..Take with Food =-.

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    6. My husband doesn’t even realize I’m on my computer. He’s too busy watching goddammed television and laughing at stupid jokes and probably thinks I’m already in bed, asleep. Which I should be, but am not, because I am sitting here reading your blog post. Again.
      .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Earth Ten Minutes And The Rabid Guinea Pig Carnivores =-.

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    7. “droopy-balled clitbitch” is gonna keep me up nights.
      .-= Pammer´s last blog ..Spring Feet =-.

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    8. that’s pretty weirdly coincidental because i *just* spent the afternoon writing the poem “A Blessing” by James Wright all over my stomach and thighs. yes, i have done this kind of thing before (*ahem*daily) yes, i do look like a mental patient. and yes, damn it, i DO feel better, but maybe that’s just the ink seeping into my bloodstream? is ink kind of like crack? is that why i can’t stop writing on myself with sharpies? ah shit. do they have a Sharpies Anonymous?
      oh wait. hold on. i have to go save the cereal box from my carb-loving, bread-stealing, cardboard-chewing, cereal-eating cat. whose name is Booger. appropriately.
      .-= Anise´s last blog ..i wrote a beautiful post about oedipus rex and lost it in half-sleep. so, a shitty replacement. a shitty outpouring of the still-frozen heart. =-.

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    9. Eating Smarties and wondering if you eat the red ones last. But I’m thinking you probably eat them first.
      .-= toywithme´s last blog ..The Art of The Dick Picture =-.

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    10. I stopped mid-read to go vote for you again on the calender thing…..because, well, obvs….who doesn’t want to see a bloggess in lingerie post Apocalypse?
      .-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..My Most Precious History, Please, I Hardly Think So =-.

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    11. Dammit. You do this when I have 25% battery power, I’m staying with my parents, and I actually have a ton of shit I have to do.
      Also, can you please stop eavesdropping on my conversations with my husband?
      It’s just really awkward when he has a semi.

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    12. “nancy-dicked anuswatcher “

      Now, you see, that one I can’t use. I would just hate to start an anuswatching trend inadvertently. I have had two children, and…well…this t-shirt says it best ==> http://www.zazzle.ca/i_ripped_mommy_a_new_one_tshirt-235578912052272491. Eyes off the anus, thanks!

      Anyway, I thought the bed sheet was one of those cool maxi dress things that were all the rage at some point in time. I tried to wear one but at 5’1” I couldn’t quite carry it off… I blame Eva Longoria for the change room humiliation (apparently being 145 lbs vs. 94 makes some sort of difference…live and learn). Clearly you are “one of those” lucky ladies who can throw anything on and look great. I stick on a high-end maxi dress and look like someone shrunk me with a potion.

      I enjoyed the interview article. I will try to take to heart the advice about getting started blogging. I admit that I am freaked out by the whole blogging community—the mom bloggers specifically. I think for the same reason I was always terrified by the prospect of joining women at playgroups etc. (surely they can see I have no idea what I’m doing—I’d pretend I was the aunt but they keep calling me MOM.)

      Like

    13. oh.my.god. you *are* fucking psychic!
      .-= jenn_d´s last blog ..well, that was unnecessarily cryptic =-.

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    14. totally voted for you in the hot blogger calendar. and another epic week of mad laughs. thanks jenny!

      Like

    15. 15
      Sari Everna

      My favourite so far is “tiny-loined anuscowboy”. I really need somewhere to use it, now.

      Like

    16. I loved the Swedish chef.. now I am forever tainted. Thanks. I prefer to think it looks a little like Freddie Prinze, Sr. on Chico and the Man. Is it just me?
      .-= Kate´s last blog ..Can we talk?…. =-.

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    17. acne-tainted cockfairy

      WIN

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    18. For the Hot Blogger Calendar, you should totally submit that photo of you eating cheeseburgers and fries off your chest.

      Like

    19. I really gotta get back on Twitter.
      .-= Lynne´s last blog ..Welcome to The Peach Pen! =-.

      Like

    20. twinkie-breathed carpetthumper? wow.

      Like

    21. I’m not married and the novelist and I have our own computers – yet he still tells me to get off *my* damn computer. How does that work?!

      Jo
      .-= Jo´s last blog ..Jo and the Novelist – the tragic true story of a faceless office worker and general social outcast… =-.

      Like

    22. 22
      diamondcait

      The honey badger is either going to be my new nickname or my next pet. That thing is AWESOME!

      Like

    23. crag-chinned spermhole

      I guess they know me too well.
      .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Welcome to Crapapalooza! =-.

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    24. Our local burlesque troupe has this chick who does a zombie strip tease. She’s vomiting blood all over herself as she’s stripping layers of gauze off her rotting limbs. It’s awesome and sexy and would be perfect for you, calendar girl.
      .-= Edgy Mama´s last blog ..Support Google fiber for Asheville! =-.

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    25. He always tells me to get off the computer. I’m trying to explain to him that’s it’s my me time for five hours and leave me te fuck alone. He doesn’t understand.

      Like

    26. Drunken-flavored testicleprincess.

      I can die happy knowing that phrase exists.

      Like

    27. You are, clearly, fucking psychic. Which is good because at first I read that as “fucking psychicS,” and I was all, “I’ve never even MET a psychic, so, uh, NO.”

      Extra points if you can guess which finger I held up in my head when he told me to get off the computer.
      .-= Jane´s last blog ..Finally Friday =-.

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    28. That mean name generator is now my favorite site EVER. Sissy-donged Donkeyflicker. Pure perfection.
      .-= Jenny Jerkface´s last blog ..I Love You, Twilight Meadow. =-.

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    29. I’m still pissed off I missed the zombie apocalypse. That’s what I get for behaving like a responsible adult. You can bet it’s the last damn time I do that!!

      ♥Spot
      .-= Spot´s last blog ..I cannot tell a lie… =-.

      Like

    30. I missed reading your blog….now post something new. Kisses.
      .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..Manic Monday =-.

      Like

    31. By gardening, I assume you meant “burying zombie heads”.
      .-= Bridget´s last blog ..I’m pretty sure I’m Destined for Raver Hell no matter how much indie rock I listen to =-.

      Like

    32. I just finished playing in a member/guest golf tournament. I played as well as I ever have, but my partner played like shit. We still had fun, though. At the kick-off party, one of the guests had a putter that you would not believe. I took a picture of it, and if you would like to see it, tell me where to send the photo. It is the sex toy extraodinaire. You have got to see this!. Let me know.
      .-= Judie´s last blog ..THE MONSTERS THAT MADE US =-.

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    33. “i wish you could have created me so that i could die.” pretty profound coming from a plastic bag.
      .-= Simone´s last blog ..You’re not somebody until somebody loves you. Apparently. =-.

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    34. Awesome-ness. But my husband is on the computer more than I am–thank goodness we have 2.

      PS: your commenter of the day is freaking HUH-LAR-E-US!
      .-= Martie´s last blog ..Twitter is a Twat… =-.

      Like

    35. If anyone is out there, you are NOT alone. We have retreated to our basement to hide from the zombies and have turned off all unnecessary electrical devices including the computer. I am sending this from my phone and have no incoming service. I hope this gets through. I have not seen any zombie updates since mid-day Sunday. I hope the war is over and that humans won. We are planning to stay down here for another couple of weeks and then come out to see what’s happening. We only have food enough for 1 week because grandpa is such a fatass but a quick shovel to the head and we could eat for a month.
      Stay positive! Love, Kit

      Like

    36. I have to stop reading blogs. First it was some guy blogging about tossing off in the shower with Dora the Explorer and now you have tainted the Swedish Chef.
      BLOGGING – THE END OF INNOCENCE.
      …And I come from the generation that watched Captain Pugwash without ever realising that Master Bates and Seamen Stains weren’t just cute cartoon characters.
      .-= cathy´s last blog ..Getting back into the swing of things. =-.

      Like

    37. I really love “she makes and breaks my heart.” that is all.

      Like

    38. Husband: “Are you working, again?”
      Me: “Are you working, again?”
      Computer: “Please go away. I’m tired.”
      .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Grandparents are a kid’s best friend =-.

      Like

    39. 39
      brian dawkins

      Pet Peeve of the Day-PDA’s http://eviltrancetwins.com/

      Like

    40. You’re not as psychic as you think. I have no husband because it’s not legal here. That and I like the curvy female bits too much.
      .-= daniel´s last blog ..News Briefs 3-30-10 =-.

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    41. Crag-nosed anusjuicer.

      I came across your blog today while reading thegirlwho.net. I’m laughing out loud at some of the mean names people posted. Thank god my boss isn’t here or I’d have to control myself:)

      I’ll be back again. Thanks.

      Like

    42. My husband actually said to me this a.m. ‘no more blogging. We’re scrogging.’ And because I’m so pure of heart, I had no idea what that meant. Urban Dictionary has enlightened…and frightened…yet again.

      http://www.imgonnakillhim.com

      Like

    43. 43
      Swingebreech

      HONEYBADGERS!!!!!! Hmm, doesn’t sound quite as good as WOLVERINES….

      Like

    44. If I hang around your blog often enough I will never get off the internet ever. Mocha Mamma’s blog and that particular post and the follow-up post. All together. Wow. Esp. if you think it is 2010, the 21st century today. It just makes me want to suck anyone that insists that what we have is a color-blind society. No. Not yet. Sorry for bursting your bubble. Try and walk in my shoes and tell me that again.
      .-= subWOW´s last blog ..Hope springs eternal =-.

      Like

    45. The picture that you took of your daughter from the future? Now THAT is what a single mother on the prairie looks like. When you have that quiet confidence, the Winchester is optional.

      Like

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