Jesus, Victor. This is all basic theology.

According to my very religious grandmother, anything blasphemous you say today counts double.  This is why I’m going to be very careful when I do my wrap up so I don’t fuck up anything.  Also, I’m pretty sure you can say “fuck” on Easter Sunday.  Otherwise I’m fucked.  It’s probably not helping though that I keep saying “fuck” so much because maybe after a certain amount it counts as a mortal sin.  I’d call a preacher to verify but this is a busy day for them.  This is why the Bible needs to be more specific.

And now Victor is telling me that it’s probably blasphemous to criticize the Bible on Easter Sunday but I’m not criticizing it so much as I’m just saying that I’d like more of it.  If anything, I should get extra points for wanting more.  Victor says Christianity doesn’t work on a point system.  Then how do you know who fucking wins, Victor? Exactly.

And now…the weekly wrap-up:

Happy Presidents Day! Or whatever this is. Is this a bank holiday? Where am I?

    This week on my sex column (which is satirical and relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):

    This week on the internets:

    This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

    This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    This week’s wrap-up sponsored by *Shey*[B] Camera Strap Slip Covers, which are like kick-ass scarves for your camera.  Plus, it’s an extra layer of protection in case you get stabbed in the neck.  So basically you need one for safety reasons.  I may have just saved your life.  You’re welcome.

    PS.  I just want to give a special thank you to everyone who’s sponsored a weekly wrap-up for agreeing to let me write whatever the hell ridiculous thing I want to say about your company.  That kind of hands-off trust is refreshingly awesome and something to be applauded.  This is me, people.  Applauding you.

    86 thoughts on “Jesus, Victor. This is all basic theology.

    Read comments below or add one.

    1. Is it blasphemous to blog on Easter? That’s not a rhetorical question. I’m curious. They don’t teach you these things in Hebrew school. If I taught Hebrew school, there’d be a whole curriculum based on what Christians can’t do on Easter, as a self-esteem boost for the little Jews in my class. Not that they’d need much of a boost. Chosen people and whatnot. But it never hurts to be reminded.

      Also, I haven’t stepped foot in a temple in about 10 years, so I’d make a really awesome Hebrew school teacher, because I’d bring a fresh perspective. I think I found my calling. On Easter, no less. Thanks, Jesus!
      .-= alonewithcats´s last blog ..I found Jesus. He was in the dairy aisle. =-.

    2. As an ex-church worker, I can safely tell you that most pastors are drunk right about now.
      .-= k8´s last blog ..Easter =-.

    3. Fuck! I just realized it’s Easter! Does that mean Walmart is closed …. ’cause I am really craving some Peeps, ya know?
      See you on the bus to Hell!
      .-= Kate´s last blog ..Can we talk?…. =-.

    4. drinking a bloody mary right now in keeping with today’s theme. double points?

      oh and fuck the nasty houston chronicle commenters.

    5. I can’t even read the comments on your post that stupid people are taking seriously. All that stupid makes my head hurt. Which is a shame, a giggle would have been nice this morning.

      Also, does it still count as a Sunday wrap up if I read it on a Monday?
      .-= Veronica´s last blog ..Drudgery =-.

    6. As a strictly non-religious person, though I do enjoy a good Easter Bunny showdown, I feel no shame nor threat by any god-like entity in a prime position to smote me. Because since I don’t believe in them, they therefore can’t smote me and are powerless. Except for maybe the Easter Bunny. Now that critter scares me. I hate it when he withholds the jellybeans.
      .-= Fragrant Liar´s last blog ..Yap Yippity Doo-Da =-.

    7. Today was also my hub’s birthday…and he’s wanted ribs for a while now, I just couldn’t afford the baby back ribs. Even tho we are both agnostic, (the rest of the fam is christian tho) he felt it would be out of place, heathen-ly, to have a messy finger-food dinner like that on Easter. so cute. so deranged.

      Nice photoshopping of you-as-mt-rushmore. skillz, you has them.
      .-= Dangerous Lilly´s last blog ..I need a new highway =-.

    8. I had a dream last night that I visited you and we were having a wonderful lunch when Victor showed up and started throwing cheese at you. No joke.

      Also, Victor was hot.

    9. Why does thirteen get such a bad rap? It’s a lovely number really. After twelve and before fourteen? What could be better than that?

      Meaningless enough for you?

      happy to oblige. 🙂

    10. Nothing witty to say other than I have to remind myself that most people see Easter as a religious holiday and so I do my best not to offend with my heathen ways but inevitably I end up doing it anyway.

    11. I posted a comment (one) and was told that I was posting comments too quickly. I wanted to see what my doppleganger was saying but was disappointed. Sigh.
      .-= K´s last blog ..Forsooth, fair maiden =-.

    12. Well, after all, it IS international zombie day today. And I for one think Jesus would approve. Thank you.

    13. You asked for something meaningless. Well, I know you don’t need it now, so I’m gonna ask you if you really meant to use the word “pus” in your little ad thingy at the bottom of the post?

    14. That pus was unintentional. Thank you.

      Also? Thank you to everyone who just humored me with my OCD phobia of that number even though you went and USED that number in your comment. Luckily an even number of people have now used it so the bad luck is cancelled out.

      Also, yes. I am on medication for this.

    15. You do realise that your early exposure to Christianity may be the cause of your OCD…

    16. My wife always gets mad at me when I say “sweet zombie Jesus” on Easter. When could it possibly be more appropriate?

    17. Meaningless comment, as requested.

      Hey Home Depot, “Open in the name of Christ, carpenter” is a bit of a stretch.

    18. I just said “Christ!” as I spilled a little of my vodka soda on the carpet and now my 2 yr old is running around yelling CHRIST at the top of his lungs, are we both going to hell? If so, there’s a lot of shit I want to fuck up before I do! Perhaps I should start personalizing my handbasket now?

    19. Well if it’s not a venial sin then “Christ on a cracker!” Love that one.

      Off to look up venial in my Visual Thesaurus (which I just had to buy last week at $39 bucks b/c the 13 dictionaries we have at home and the endless free ones on line just didn’t cut it….you should check it out–its fun… and then there was the Timely Tell purchase as well… more on that another time)…..

    20. Crap on toast. Funner isn’t showing up in the Visual Thesaurus. Pretend I said something else. My online university professors would be a bit embarassed for me right now. Course they don’t go by their real names on account of being profs at on online university and stuff.

      *whistling a tune* oh, right, homework.

    21. You know I might not really *need* my own blog. Maybe I could just hang my blog posts off of all of Jenny’s?

      If this is my last post on here–it’s been nice knowing you all.

      cai bai.

    22. I had to work today. which I’m pretty sure is blasphemous. I was also wishing my coworkers a “Happy Jesus Zombie Day”. Which is probably a little more blasphemy. Speaking of zombies, I’m pretty upset that I missed the Zombie bar crawl today. Is a zombie bar crawl blasphemous? I mean, Jesus was all about the wine, so I think he’d be cool with it.

      http://www.phillyzombiecrawl.com/

      I’m hoping to go to the Zombie Beach Party…
      .-= Beckles´s last blog ..Update or something =-.

    23. Hypomania is also not listed in the Visual Thesaurus. Probably a special DSM plug-in or something but I’m not shelling out any more funds on it.

      Back to my psych homework. Or sleep. Or cereal.

    24. Oh my god, did you see the Easter cards on Someecards? I almost crapped my pants from laughing (I know people generally pee their pants from laughing, but we had chili beans with Easter dinner). Thank god (or Jesus, it is Easter after all) I didn’t, but it was close.
      .-= blissfully caffeinated´s last blog ..Life Goes On =-.

    25. Jenny, I want you to know that I watched a full 4 minutes of some guy using that blow job machine. I just got sucked into it (that was NOT supposed to be a pun, but it kind of works so I’ll go with it) and I didn’t want to turn it off because part of me was like “Well, now I have to see how it ends…”

      If you’re wondering how it ends [SPOILER ALERT], he just kind of ejaculates angrily at the screen. At least I assume it was angrily. I couldn’t see his face, but his body language definitely suggested a certain air of “you want some of this????”

      Anyway, it was kind of a weird experience.
      .-= Allie´s last blog ..The Year the Easter Bunny Died =-.

    26. It’s not you, Meg. It’s me. I have issues with that particular number and when that number it’s said in odd numbered amounts it’s even worse (I don’t know why) and then I panic and assume the house is going to collapse. So far it hasn’t though so I’m pretty sure we’re cool. Although there was an earthquake in California…

      I’m sure it’s unrelated.

      Probably.

    27. Well we buried the Fucking Easter Bunny on the anniversary of the resurrection of the J-Man this morning! Truth! The dog brought a dead bunny rabbit to my bed this morning. Then me and the six angry pygmies buried the Fucking thing. And it’s ok to say Fucking rabbit because his ID said he was actually from the town of Fucking, Austria. Poor thing must have looked too ‘touristy’ and my 4 month old puppy wanted to earn his street cred, so…

      And so you know, I sacrificed my reputation calling him a Fucking Rabbit in an effort to be politically correct. Sort of a “two wrongs DO make a right” situation.

      Great Post!
      .-= Spuds´s last blog ..Look What Saint Nick, the Easter Puppy, Brought Us!! =-.

    28. Funny you should mention the EQ, when it hit first thing I thought of was totally inappropriate. You know about Jesus rising from the dead and all. But then I thought shit, Jenny would make this totally kick ass funny. Everyone would laugh if Jenny thought this. I was gonna mention it to you, but then I saw you were stressed about the number issue. {Plus I was hiding under the table and my phone was ON the table. Bad EQ etiquette.} So I figured my EQ story would have to wait. Now like 8 hours later its not so funny. Fuck!
      .-= Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me´s last blog ..The Easter Bunny Came To Town =-.

    29. True story (I think): a dude in the Congo named his kid God. He heard educated people in his remote village talking about this person God with great respect. So he named his son God. Now that has got to blur the blasphemy lines almost as much as naming your kid Jesus. Your blog rocks, by the way.
      .-= Marc de Chazal´s last blog ..Have you seen God today? =-.

    30. I can’t help but feel a little guilty since I posted you the Scarface video.

      It was just so awesome and I thought of you. But, seriously? I think those commenters made it all the more worthwhile.

    31. My first link click was Barnaby Jones with his ears hanging low and wobbling to and fro…tying them in a knot and tying them in a bow, mocking you, mocking Easter, mocking your adorable daughter posing like a little angel. But no, Barnaby, you couldn’t be like the cat who can do a “cat-stand” on a toweled mommy-head, now could you? You couldn’t pose for 2 seconds. You just couldn’t let the whole cat person thing go and you had to ruin Easter for the entire family. UGH!
      .-= LookieLou´s last blog ..Deadly Equine Virus Spreads =-.

    32. My grandmother insists that if you say “motherfucker” really quiet, then it’s not a sin. Because Jesus can’t hear you, or something.

    33. If anyone had every spent anytime with my family they would most certainly end up saying FUCK at least once under their breath, and then loudly a couple of more times before the end of the meal. And Jenny, don’t feel bad, if we have the same number of people are your ‘number that shall not be named’, we add an extra chair for the ‘holy ghost’-swear to God, Goddess, whatever. I’m always all like ‘let’s uninvite someone’ but my hubby says that’s poor form. Whatever. Less of my family under one roof, less likely someone is getting stabbed. And Less change I’ll be reminded of what everything WRONG with the meal that I’ve done and me stabbing my mother…but that’s besides the point COMPLETELY…sorta…

    34. I think that if you say the word “fuck” enough you complete a 360 degree rotation and it’s like you never used the word “fuck” before so you are golden.

    35. My sweet, beautiful, sainted, 95 year-old mother-in law is an evangelical. So are three of her five children. My hubby is very quiet on the subject of religion. He did read the bible from cover to cover one year, and concluded that it is a very violent book with many contradictions. His family has learned not to mess with us on the subject. Even his crazy sister, who is so far to the left that she is off the charts, doesn’t mess with us any more.
      Years ago, we called Mum on Easter and when she learned that we had played golf that morning instead of getting up at 0 dark thirty to go to a sunrise service, she had a lot to say. When she had finished, I asked her if she was chiding me. She backed down pretty quickly. She was afraid of “the look,” even over the phone. When I give them “the look” they know they have gone too far, and unless they are prepared for “the challenge,” they had better change the subject.
      It amazes me what mythical, mystical, and mysterious things people believe in to justify their faith. They can’t actually PROVE anything, especially the “fact” that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. Whenever I ask them exactly how that worked, they ALL say exactly the same thing, word for word, and they can never really explain it. I rest my case.

    36. I was looking for some low-cost entertainment over the weekend and decided to attend a church concert on Easter Sunday. My husband, Benni, and I are secular Jews who happen to like gospel music. Everything was going well and I was chit-chatting with the lady sitting next to me when I suddenly realized Benni was gone. Then – to my horror – I saw him up front receiving communion. Benni is Danish and – Denmark being a very non-religious country – he knows nothing about church rituals. When he came back to his seat he explained that he was starving and thought that a wafer and some wine seemed like a good idea – like the matzoh and wine we had just had at a seder. I informed him that he had just ingested the body and blood of Christ, but this didn’t seem to concern him. Sometimes a cracker is just a cracker.

    37. Hi Jenny!!!! I love finding out all the shit you were doing while you weren’t here!! What would be great is if we could use your links and have it open in another window so that we don’t lose our spot on TheBloggess.com.

      That is all! My 2 cents…Carry on with your FABULOUSNESS!!!
      😀 1CrazyGem

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