Conversations I have with Victor in the dark:
Victor: You know, I always hear you whispering sweet things to Hailey when you put her to bed but you never whisper sweet things to me when I go to sleep.
me: I didn’t know you wanted me to. But fine. I wish you sweet dreams or no dreams, pumpkin.
Victor: …The fuck?
me: What? That’s what I always say to Hailey.
Victor: Did you just wish me insomnia?
me: See, this? This is exactly why I don’t whisper sweet things to you before you go to sleep. I just blessed you with good dreams, asshole.
Victor: No. You just cursed me with insomnia.
me: Fine. I wish you would go to sleep or get mauled by cougars.
Victor: Well, I wish you would shut the hell up or be disemboweled by angry night squirrels.
me: What the fuck’s a “night squirrel”?
Victor: You’ll know it when they attack.
me: Hmm. I bet people are really jealous of our relationship.
Victor: Shh. I can hear the squirrels coming for you.
UPDATED: Mother. Fucker. So I just looked up “night squirrels” and not only do they exist, but also they can fly at you like bats and instead of carrying acorns they carry typhus. Awesome. I’m never going to sleep again.