And now I have to get up so I can google “night squirrels”.

Conversations I have with Victor in the dark:

Victor:  You know, I always hear you whispering sweet things to Hailey when you put her to bed but you never whisper sweet things to me when I go to sleep.

me:  I didn’t know you wanted me to.  But fine.  I wish you sweet dreams or no dreams, pumpkin.

Victor: …The fuck?

me:  What?  That’s what I always say to Hailey.

Victor:  Did you just wish me insomnia?

me:  See, this?   This is exactly why I don’t whisper sweet things to you before you go to sleep.  I just blessed you with good dreams, asshole.

Victor:  No. You just cursed me with insomnia.

me:  Fine. I wish you would go to sleep or get mauled by cougars.

Victor:  Well, I wish you would shut the hell up or be disemboweled by angry night squirrels.

*long silence*

me:  What the fuck’s a “night squirrel”?

Victor:  You’ll know it when they attack.

me: Hmm.  I bet people are really jealous of our relationship.

Victor:  Shh.  I can hear the squirrels coming for you.

UPDATED: Mother.  Fucker.  So I just looked up “night squirrels” and not only do they exist, but also they can fly at you like bats and instead of carrying acorns they carry typhus.  Awesome. I’m never going to sleep again.

"I don't have a soul but I'm not that hungry. No worries, snack-pack. Go to sleep."

159 thoughts on “And now I have to get up so I can google “night squirrels”.

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  1. Ha! Where does he get this stuff? And what’s that chittering sound coming from my ceiling OH GOD NO

  2. Oh, see, when you said “sweet dreams or no dreams” my thoughts immediately went to a _much_ darker place. Like, “Have good dreams or else die in your sleep, sweetheart!” That kind of a darker place. I’m surprised Victor only went as far as insommnia.

    p.s. Squirrels are wonderful and fantastic and great and there are NO evil squirrels, of the day or night varieties. None. All squirrels are friendly and good. The end.

  3. Day squirrels like raw corn on the cob. Night squirrels eat the corns from your feet. You should welcome them, not fear them.

    Except this one: http://www.maniacworld.com/squirrel-vs-penguin.jpg, or this one: http://www.treehugger.com/army_squirrel.jpg. Or this one: http://www.costumedogs.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/squirrel4.jpg. I’m pretty sure that last one is a Jen-You-Whine night squirrel. But he looks a little shady. But I swear, most of them are really, really good.

  4. Fighting insomnia myself and I sleep right under the bedroom windows…yes, both of them. Awesome…now I have insomnia and wonder when the squirrel’s will get here.
    .-= Kendra´s last blog ..Happy F’in Spring =-.

  5. One time at camp we had a running joke about rattlesquirrels. I used to be pretty sure they didn’t actually exist, but now that there are night squirrels I’m a little worried.
    …I don’t think I’m helping.

  6. Dammit. No wonder I wake up feeling nibbles on my toes. I wonder if peanuts will satiate their overlord too. It worked for the baby squirrels, ravens, black squirrels and grayish reddish half breed squirrels.

  7. I don’t think I’ve ever had a sweet dream. Could this be because of a night squirrel infestation? Oh my gHod do they lay eggs in your brain?!

    Brain Eggs?!

  8. at least he doesn’t ‘accidentally’ elbow you in the face when he sleeps. you might have to ‘accidentally’ stab him with a chicken.

  9. As if herds of daylight squirrels weren’t bad enough, now I have to try to sleep knowing there are gangs of hoodlum night squirrels roaming the streets…

  10. There’s a special place in hell for people like Victor. It’s called Night Squirrel Circle. It was one of Dante’s levels that got left out accidentally on the last edit, by a lame publisher from Britain. You know how they are about their squirrels…
    .-= juliejulie´s last blog ..The Easter Bunny vs. Quaker Oats Guy =-.

  11. I heard night squirrels start with your feet and work their way up. SOMETIMES if you wear socks you can feel them first so it gives you kind of a head start in your running from bed. Unless your a heavy sleeper, if you are then well ur fucked. But i wouldn’t worry about the night squirrels as much as i would worry about the night chipmunks. Those mother fuckers are wayyyy worse.
    .-= Crystal´s last blog ..Easter weekend part 1…. =-.

  12. Night Squirrels are evil vampire squirrels that live in the Night World. I’ve personaly never seen a Night Squirrel or anything else from the Night World, but I’ve read all about them in a series of fiction books. I was half convienced they didn’t exist, but if Victor says they do then I’m not taking any chances. I’m sleeping with the windows shut and a wooden stake next to me!

  13. Night squirrels? You mean nocturnal squirrels, Jenny?

    Ummm… you’re not going to like this.

    There ARE nocturnal squirrels. And they can fly, for real. Well, not really, really fly but kind of glide through the air. Sort of like if someone was swooping in… no scratch that. More like something just dropping down quickly… ok just watch thise video and you’ll see what I mean:


    .-= Wendy´s last blog ..All My Kid Got Was an Old Lunchbox and a Second-hand Egg =-.

  14. Oh great now we’re going to have a night squirrel apocalypse too! This oddly terrifies me far more than the #za because at least I have *some* idea how to fight a zombie!
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..Toys! =-.

  15. Night squirrels are like mosquitoes. The ones that bite don’t make any noise, so when your in bed at night and you don’t hear anything, beware! Good night, sleep tight and don’t let the night squirrels bite.

  16. That squirrel in the linked photo’s WEARING A MASK. Is that a good thing, like Superman? Or bad, very bad? I think you people who live in countries with squirrels owe it to yourselves to find out. Or pay for not bothering. Your choice.
    .-= Pam´s last blog ..Egg heads? Maybe just eggs. =-.

  17. I once had a squirrel come down the chimney and run down the hall and jump into my bed where I was sleeping (well, technically I was in the middle of a bad dream – but the squirrel was real – my dream was about cockroaches – told you it was a bad dream – but that squirrel was a nightmare, although it was real – really). This happened while I lived in Texas, by the way. Now I’ll never sleep again. Let’s be insomniacs together.
    .-= chris´s last blog ..her name was alice =-.

  18. ROTFL This is such an awesome conversation. Something my husband and I would say. It’s good to know there are other people that have these kinds of conversations out there…

    Also that effing night squirrel is scary as hell. I’m not sure I’ll even be able to sleep now! *looks around suspiciously*
    .-= BittenUsagi´s last blog ..My Pride’s Nutshot =-.

  19. But Night Squirrels are SO FREAKING CUTE. As long as they don’t live in your box spring along with the cougar, you’re ok, hon.

  20. See, I don’t have to worry about night squirrels cause I am so sure that they die when they smell my farts. My farts are so toxic that it will immediately be like inhaling nerve gas. So I am pretty safe. Thank goodness for toxic farts.

  21. i am the queen of the flying night squirrels. is there anyone who wishes to doubt their existence? i will tell you that my armies are fortifying now and it’s only a matter of days before they are ready to launch a massive dive bombing. doubt no more and prepare yourselves.

    sweet dreams my lemony tarts and pastries.

  22. OMFG! Wasn’t this one of the squirrels from the twitter zombie attack? It’s a night squirrel there to disembowel you and eat your brain! :O AHHHHHH!!!!! RUN!!!!!!!!!

  23. Just for the record Victor is now fired! Man this soo does not help my deep seated fear of squirrels
    I had been attacked by a random squirrel once ( I will admit it was funny) but then a year later I opened my front door and a squirrel ran in and was lose in my house for days. I moved a few years later and had two that lived in a tree outside of that house and every time I stepped outside for any thing these stupid squirrels would throw sticks and stuff at me. Squirrels may look cute but it’s a well planned disguise. They are really wretched vile evil little animals that are smarter than you think!
    .-= Erryn´s last blog ..Thoughts to Ponder… =-.

  24. My dad got attacked by one of those bastards when he was cleaning out my grandma’s kitchen. It leapt out of the cupboard and swooped at his face, but my dad ducked and then whirled around and beat the thing to a pulp with a broom. My dad was an Airborne Ranger in ‘Nam. His only advice to me ever was, “The first rule of unarmed combat is to arm yourself–with whatever is lying around near you.” This advice might help you sleep at night.
    .-= beta dad´s last blog ..Photo Essay: Large Dog Drags Babies Through Park =-.

  25. Wow, “sweet dreams or no dreams” is one of the nicest thing you can say. If they’re not sweet dreams, what are they? Bad dreams. Nightmares. So you’re wishing sweet dreams or no dreams cause you don’t want him to have bad dreams. You’re the sweetest thing and look how he responds! Typical damn male. Well goodnight and sweet dreams or no dreams lady bloggess

  26. aren’t they possums?
    in new zealand we’d call them possums. they are about the size of a small cat.
    they like to shag on the roof and it can sound like a knife attack.

  27. I had one of those fuckers almost get in the house about 2 weeks ago, thank God for my roommates big, fatass cat for saving me! I had the living room sliding glass door and the screen open to the balcony, which is screened in as well. I hear all sorts of shit go down, go check it out and the fatass cat has that bitch cornered on the ground and is playing with it! Ugh. A friend says that it’s rare to see one around here. So, am I supposed to feel honored that this fucker decided to grace me with his presence..and typhus?!

  28. I don’t think they live in Texas though. They definitely look like some Midwestern bullshit of an animal though.

  29. Ok, I like you. I found your silly blog by googling “oh jesus ball sack” so, congratulations on being a great “oh jesus ball sack” site.

  30. FUCK.
    I hate hate hate flying fucking squirrels. With their creepy screechiness and their skin flap wings.
    And now you’re telling me they have night vision and they’re fucking coming for me in the dark?
    Never. sleeping. again.
    Thanks, Victor. You’re a swell guy.
    .-= Sarah p´s last blog ..Average Wife, Fair-to-Middling Partner =-.

  31. Victor needs to learn to pay attention. You did not wish him insomnia, you wished him no dreams if they weren’t good. People sleep and not dream or don’t remember them all of the time.

    Of course, since he cursed you with flying squirrels, you must now curse him with something more horrible – flying biting ants. He will never see them coming. Literally.
    .-= Dani´s last blog ..It Really Isn’t Easter Until You Have Insulted the Easter Bunny in a Passive-Aggressive Letter =-.

  32. my neighbor recently confronted my husband, telling him we have “big-eyed rats” over at our house and they are coming over to his house. we thought he was senile, but maybe he is seeing your squirrel friends. super-creepy rodents. i hate squirrels. my grandmother was attacked by a few red-squirrels. they bit her legs. horrible creatures.
    .-= kiki´s last blog ..I Don’t Get It =-.

  33. Good to know that your marriage is no different than anybody else’s. You make me absolutely guffaw!

  34. Actually those squirrels are pretty cute up close. We had one climb down my parent’s chimney and hang out in the living room one night (and no, before you ask, it wasn’t wearing a red suit, and it wasn’t Christmas). What you REALLY need to worry about are the drop bears (see the link).
    .-= MikeD´s last blog ..Gary Ablett Sr. on things he doesn’t understand =-.

  35. I’m glad y’all aren’t trying to ‘pretty up’ these little demons by calling them something sweet, like SUGARGLIDERS. ‘NIGHT SQUIRREL’ is so much more terror-ific and akin to their true nature. If a squirrel (daytime variety) can bite *through a nut*, just imagine what it could do to a thumb— RIGHT THROUGH THE BONE, y’all. And night squirrels will attack from the sky- gnawing their way right down to your jugular. Try running from that thing once it latches on! Just saying.

  36. We once had some godawful nasty little pets called “sugar gliders,” who looked suspiciously like your night squirrel. I always knew those little bastards were out to get me. Thank God my children are too lazy to maintain pets in the long term.
    .-= Shana´s last blog ..Moving on down, to the riverfront =-.

  37. Like I don’t have enough issues with sleeping already?!?! Jeez. If I wake up in the night, I already have to check the toilet for snakes before a pee, then I can’t flush it because I wouldn’t be able to hear monsters coming over the sound of the flush, and then I have to run and jump on my bed from 3 feet away in case that little shit from Pet Semetary has found his was under it. Plus, there’s the whole the shower curtain must be open at all times so killer clowns can’t hide there.
    Have I mentioned how much my husband loves sharing a bed with me?
    And now I have to worry about killer night squirrels? I’m glad I don’t sleep with you-I’d be more neurotic than EVAH.
    .-= Amy Mayfield´s last blog ..Southern Fried Snark Tried to Kill Me. Well…not exactly. =-.

  38. It’s daytime and now I’m still totally freaked out one of those squirrels is going to fly through the window and get me. I also like how it’s totally sideways on the tree. It’s probably hurting the poor tree with its evil vice-like grip! And don’t even get me started on those eyeballs!!!! Get the damn thing a pair of sunglasses!
    .-= Shannon´s last blog ..Things you should not wear to work. =-.

  39. Victor doesn’t know about “Steal the Bacon”, but he knows about NIGHT SQUIRRELS? What is he, and idiot savant?

    I didn’t know about either of those, too, Jenny. But I could have gone on my whole life like that, never knowing about NIGHT SQUIRRELS. Thanks Victor. Now *I* won’t be able to sleep either.
    .-= Kernut´s last blog ..Coming for TMI Thursday: Sex In Carson City =-.

  40. I don’t know why you are so worried about night squirrels. If I were you I’d worry more about the Goliath Birdeater. It may be native to South America, but you’re pretty close to South America. And it says that the bite isn’t usually lethal to humans, but that leaves open the opportunity to be lethal.

    http://www.squidoo.com/world-biggest-spider
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Le Grumble =-.

  41. Is this another drill? I’m still in trouble with my neighbors over that whole zombie apocalypse thing. I don’t want to go tearing off the roof of the building or cramming dynamite in my chimney without proper provocation. They would explain those late night noises though…
    .-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..A Random Shoe Story =-.

  42. Oh Jezuz Christ…I laughed so hard I pooped. Ok, not really but that was some funny shit. I have that kind of relationship with my gf…well not the kind where I wish she was mauled by cougars, but the kind where we can joke with each other. She has a great sense of humor and is not afraid of night squirrels. You sissy.
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..A little about the auto =-.

  43. We wipe our kid’s poop and let them vomit on us, too. Do husbands want that? Don’t answer that. I answered my own question.

    Whenever my husband wants to get the last word before bed time, he tells me he hopes I don’t get ‘molested by bed bugs tonight.’ Seriously, if you Google bed bugs, you’ll want to whisper sweet dreams to Night Squirrels.

    imgonnakillhim.com

  44. this made me laugh out loud. “you’ll know when they attack.” i like that Victor….he sounds like a good egg.

    problembly. (or was it problemly)

    shit.

  45. Aaaaannnd yet another reason why you should have bought Pocahontas Wikipedia. One look at him paddling up the creek and they would’ve freaked the hell out and left you alone for ever and ever.

  46. mama pajama – I am now officially terrified that my nighttime loving kitty will be consumed by said squirrels. I will blame Victor.
    .-= Beesus´s last blog ..Boob Cheese =-.

  47. I came across your blog a few weeks ago. LOVE IT! Anyhow, my first comment was prompted by your accurate (imo) spelling of y’all… yay!!! It irks me to no end to see the commonly wrong spelling (ya’ll) which is EVERYWHERE!!!! So thank you for being awesomely entertaining AND literate. 🙂

  48. ok, so i feel the need to comment here and since you’ve been doing copious research on squirrels this worked out perfectly.
    today i saw, for the first time ever, this being possibly the first time ANYONE has EVER seen, a BLACK squirrel.
    well, maybe it was more like a really really REALLY dark grey but it was fully dark, no cute white bib on the belly. NADA.
    just pure black-ish fur.
    what says you/google on this?
    was i hallucinating or do squirrels, in fact, come in colors other than grey and brown?
    .-= steff´s last blog ..Welcome to HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! =-.

  49. My dog hears the Night Squirrels! We have tried to tell her that they are pack rats collecting all her poop from the yard and storing it in the pump house, but she insists they are Night Squirrels. We tell her to shut the fuck up and let us sleep or we will put HER in the pump house with all that poop.

  50. Typhus is bad. Pretending to have typhus can be good, since one of the symptoms is “stupor.” That way you can have the perfect excuse for not whispering sweet things to Victor in the dark.

    Victor: Jenny, whisper something sweet to me.
    You: (silence)
    Victor: Damn, the night squirrels must’ve got her again. Stupid typhus-stupor.

    Although, actually it’s the lice and fleas ON the night squirrels that give you typhus. I know, that’s kind of like, “Rats didn’t cause the bubonic plague, their fleas did.” Who cares when they’re RATS?!
    .-= ajnabi´s last blog ..Mujhse Dosti Karoge, or, Tina’s Anjali This Time and Pooja’s Tina =-.

  51. Last night I couldn’t sleep because I was 100% sure someone was watching me. I was literally lying underneath my blanket because then it couldn’t see me and would just go away. This is my mum’s fault because she used to hide me underneath my ‘invisible’ blanket every night to keep evil away from me. She was probably talking about nightmares but the monsters were obviously kind of impressed too. And now my mum isn’t here and I’m doomed to be attacked by fucking flying ninja squirrels.
    I’m pretty sure they were spying on me yesterday. Victor probably told his army to eliminate not only you but also all of your readers because we could testify against him.
    Great. Sleep is such a waste of time anyways. I’m off to prepare my coffee IV.

  52. Further proof that you and I are married to the same man. I’m not entirely sure how Victor hides his tattoos when he comes to stay at my house, but…

    As for the night squirrels, I want one. You can send them all here.
    .-= Robynn´s last blog ..Damned Kids! Get Offa There! =-.

  53. Hello, Victor, are you a ri-tard? Obviously you were wishing him either sweet dreams or peaceful, dreamless sleep. And why did he have to bring satanic squirrels into it?? That’s like an unspoken wedding vow. Big marital no-no, Victor. BIG.
    .-= Ashley ´s last blog ..Weaning the Mama =-.

  54. OHMYFUCKINGGOD!!!!!! i just stumbled across ur blog, and this had me PMSL!!!! im still wiping the tears away!!!!!!! and omg u and ur DH are FUCKING EXACTLY LIKE ME AND MINE!!!!!!!!!!! peole think we hate each other when we are out in public because of how we act and talk to each other but we dont!!!!!!
    your awesome, i will be back!!!! ……….oh and thanks a fucking lot, i dont sleep as it is and flying fucking squirles will make it even better!!!!!

  55. I spend so many meaningless hours at work when I could spend so many meaningful hours reading your blog. (“Hi, I’m Jill, and new to your awesomeness.”)
    I’d ask if you were a mermaid (because you’re so magical) but you have that thing against the sea and the terribly sketchy creatures within it, which might impede your transition to possession of a fish tail. I don’t know how you feel about long hair and half nudity though…Dig what you do.
    .-= Jill´s last blog ..I love you Jesus – have a ‘Peep’. =-.

  56. I JUST discovered your blog and now I know that my life is complete. Best. Post. Ever.
    Thank you for making me whole blogess.

  57. I’ve never read your blog, but my lovely wife Amy does. She sent me this, and I have to say that your husband is God.
    Fear the night squirrels, they have powers that mortal man can not dream of comprehending.
    Also the dream beavers, who gnaw through your hopes with their evil over-bites of suburban disappointment and middle-aged banality.

  58. i’ve had a weird affinity to squirrels as of late. 3 of ’em if you must know. fuck did i spell affinity right… now off *i* go to google…. i’m back and yes its spelled right… oh google… i dont know what i’d do without you.

  59. OMGs! You’ve rubbed off on Victor so much now he sounds like you! Or maybe it’s because you wrote the post?

  60. OMG it’s so CUTE! I WANT I WANT I WANT! Oh, wait, it’s going to disembowel someone? Can I train it to disembowel my boss and former Second Grade Teacher from HELL and everyone else I can’t stand like Republicans? Because that would be awesome! And adorable when done by such a cute little thing!
    .-= Uriah´s last blog ..The Reason I Haven’t Posted =-.

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