My sister (Lisa) called me to ask what I was doing for Earth Day and I was all “Um…I just buried a Saint in the front yard?” and she was like “…Huh.” Because there’s really no other way to respond to something like that and then I started to tell her that I had to go to the doctor because I ate a bunch of glue and then she was all “No. Go back to the Saint buried in your yard” and I sighed because I was all set up to tell the glue story and then she was like “Wait…how could even bury anyone? You don’t even own a shovel” and I explained that I buried him with a fork in the mulch next to the tree and she said she was “calling bullshit on this one” because the mulch spot is only like 3 feet wide but then I explained that I’d buried him vertically and I asked her to stop interrupting. Then she asked me to put Victor on the phone because I was obviously drunk. But I totally wasn’t drunk and I explained that our real estate agent told me to do it because apparently if you bury a statue of St. Joseph in your yard your house will sell fast and then she got quiet again and I was all “Except that according the directions you have to bury him upside down, which seemed kind of disrespectful and felt vaguely Satanic” and she pointed out that burying Jesus’ dad in the yard was pretty disrespectful no matter which direction he was pointing and I was all “OH MY GOD! Saint Joseph is Jesus’ dad. I JUST NOW GOT THAT” and she sighed and I was all “That’s probably why the prayer I’m supposed to say is all about him holding Jesus. I though maybe Jesus just had a really huggy friend who liked to spoon” and then Lisa got quiet and I explained that you have to say the holding-Jesus prayer for nine days straight or it won’t work, so it’s basically like a chain letter with Jesus. Then she was all “Awesome. I’m going to hell just for talking to you today” and I was all “Whatever. You wouldn’t understand because you’re not Catholic” and she was all “YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” and that’s true but then I reminded her that Jesus once sent me a magical lawn boobie and that’s totally like finding the Virgin Mary in a tortilla times eleven and she was all “Well, I can’t argue with that. You’re totally Catholic.” Exactly. And then I explained that if the house sells you’re supposed to dig up the body and put it in a place of honor and I guess if the house doesn’t sell you’re just supposed to leave it there? I have no idea. This was probably covered in those Catholic classes I never got invited to. Then Lisa suggested calling a clergyman and I was all “We’re gonna need an old priest and a young priest” but she didn’t laugh. Probably because she’s never seen The Exorcist before. She totally needs to get out more. Plus, she was so distracting I didn’t even get to tell her about eating all the eyelash glue. So basically we all lose. Nice job, Lisa.
Comment of the day: My family did this when I was little. Only, I felt bad that St. Joseph had to be out there all by himself and so I buried the entire nativity scene lineup – including baby Jesus. I had to sit in the front row at Sunday school for a month all so Jesus’ step-dad wouldn’t be alone. Worth it. ~ Megan