I didn’t bury the body for Earth Day though. That was just a strange coincidence.

in bizarre, no one thinks this is funny but me, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap

My sister (Lisa) called me to ask what I was doing for Earth Day and I was all “Um…I just buried a Saint in the front yard?” and she was like “…Huh.”  Because there’s really no other way to respond to something like that and then I started to tell her that I had to go to the doctor because I ate a bunch of glue and then she was all “No. Go back to the Saint buried in your yard” and I sighed because I was all set up to tell the glue story and then she was like “Wait…how could even  bury anyone? You don’t even own a shovel” and I explained that I buried him with a fork in the mulch next to the tree and she said she was “calling bullshit on this one” because the mulch spot is only like 3 feet wide but then I explained that I’d buried him vertically and I asked her to stop interrupting.  Then she asked me to put Victor on the phone because I was obviously drunk.  But I totally wasn’t drunk and I explained that our real estate agent told me to do it because apparently if you bury a statue of St. Joseph in your yard your house will sell fast and then she got quiet again and I was all “Except that according the directions you have to bury him upside down, which seemed kind of disrespectful and felt vaguely Satanic” and she pointed out that burying Jesus’ dad in the yard was pretty disrespectful no matter which direction he was pointing and I was all “OH MY GOD!  Saint Joseph is Jesus’ dad.  I JUST NOW GOT THAT” and she sighed and I was all “That’s probably why the prayer I’m supposed to say is all about him holding Jesus.  I though maybe Jesus just had a really huggy friend who liked to spoon” and then Lisa got quiet and I explained that you have to say the holding-Jesus prayer for nine days straight or it won’t work, so it’s basically like a chain letter with Jesus.  Then she was all “Awesome.  I’m going to hell just for talking to you today” and I was all “Whatever.  You wouldn’t understand because you’re not Catholic” and she was all “YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” and that’s true but then I reminded her that Jesus once sent me a magical lawn boobie and that’s totally like finding the Virgin Mary in a tortilla times eleven and she was all “Well, I can’t argue with that.  You’re totally Catholic.” Exactly. And then I explained that if the house sells you’re supposed to dig up the body and put it in a place of honor and I guess if the house doesn’t sell you’re just supposed to leave it there?  I have no idea.  This was probably covered in those Catholic classes I never got invited to.  Then Lisa suggested calling a clergyman and I was all “We’re gonna need an old priest and a young priest” but she didn’t laugh.  Probably because she’s never seen The Exorcist before.  She totally needs to get out more.  Plus, she was so distracting I didn’t even get to tell her about eating all the eyelash glue.  So basically we all lose. Nice job, Lisa.

"Discount Catholic Products. Serving all your Catholic needs." I'm probably not supposed to find that funny. I am a terrible Catholic.

Comment of the day: My family did this when I was little. Only, I felt bad that St. Joseph had to be out there all by himself and so I buried the entire nativity scene lineup – including baby Jesus. I had to sit in the front row at Sunday school for a month all so Jesus’ step-dad wouldn’t be alone.   Worth it. ~ Megan

170 thoughts on “I didn’t bury the body for Earth Day though. That was just a strange coincidence.”

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  3. I feel like this bury Saint Joseph thing is just going to end up on an episode of Law and Order where a guy is all I KILLED A GUY NAMED JOSEPH AND I BURIED HIM IN MY YARD SO MY HOUSE WOULD SELL! HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT LACK OF OXYGEN IN THE SOIL WOULD KILL HIM?!
    .-= Kirsten´s last blog ..MEAT IS THE NEW BREAD! =-.

  5. im catholic or at least that’s what my momma wants me to be and i can assure you burying things doesn’t work, unless of course, it’s a pot of gold and u tell perspective buyers. so you also need a leprechaun.

    i don’t know how to post my last blog but I do have one

  7. I never understood burying St. Joseph upside down. And I thought he had to be facing away from the house. Or is it towards it? You might just want to find a Catholic church in your neighborhood and light a candle. That’s supposed to be a direct line to God. I think. Otherwise, why are people lighting candles in church?

    BTW loved the mushroom boob. You are blessed!

    Susie
    http://www.motherhoot.blogspot.com
    .-= Susie Kline´s last blog ..Yesterday The Hoots Took Over Lou Malnati’s =-.

  9. It can get weirder … I just saw a circle of about 30 people all dressed in white near the fountain on Allen Parkway.

    You might want to check with them. They could power-pray a buyer to your door.
    .-= The Queer Next Door´s last blog ..A Case Of Him =-.

  10. Umm…are you keeping a list? You might want to keep a list. Because when you’re in the situation where you are trying to EXPLAIN all these things to someone who might (or might not) be standing in front if big shiny gates (or big giant cavernous flamepits) you’re really going to want some reference material to keep all these things straight and offer the reasonable explanation.
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..How I am like a talking dog. =-.

  11. so, exactly who do I need to bury to get rid of my husband? Oh. Wait. Never mind! Thank you Baby Jesus, I’ll spoon you any time you want! Only I want to be the little spoon, because it’s weird when the girl is the big spoon and anyway I have body issues, so if you make me be the big spoon it’s exactly the same as calling me fat and FUCK YOU BABY FUCKING JESUS I am NOT FAT. Fine. I’m fat. This is why I worship Ben & Jerry.

  12. OK, but wait – they’re sort of dancing around the whole what “faithful people” means. You know, in the old days, Catholics weren’t even allowed to go into other faith’s churches, so how can someone of another faith be allowed to have faith in St. Joseph?? I’m so confused.

    Will be very interested to hear if it works! And, where are you going to live if your house sells, but the new house isn’t built yet. (Is it??)
    .-= Gurukarm (@karma_musings)´s last blog ..Getcher Drop Caps Here – Fresh Daily! =-.

  14. I did this. I buried him upside-down right next to the stake with the For Sale sign. Except then I got nervous that, since real-estate people are always moving and altering For Sale signs, he would get stabbed due to an “open house” or a “new price”, and that would make him just another casualty of the real-estate bubble. Then I got nervous again and re-buried him in a flower bed. But then I started to feel really sacriligious (esp. since I’m NOT Catholic) and threw him away. Our house sold. I never told my husband.

  16. Buying discount Catholic products makes you slightly more Catholic. If that’s even possible. I wonder what kind of luck you’d get if you buried more saints in your yard. Or maybe just disciples, they don’t have as much power as saints but they seemed like a crafty bunch. I’d love to sell my house, but first I’d have to clean it, and that’s not likely. Is there a saint I can buy for that? A rental?
    .-= Jacquie´s last blog ..Jacquie’s coming out party =-.

  18. Buying discount Catholic products makes you slightly more Catholic. If that’s even possible.

    I wonder what kind of luck you’d get if you buried more saints in your yard. Or maybe just disciples, they don’t have as much power as saints but they seemed like a crafty bunch. I’d love to sell my house, but first I’d have to clean it, and that’s not likely. Is there a saint I can buy for that? A rental?
    .-= jacquie´s last blog ..Jacquie’s coming out party =-.

  19. DAMNIT LISA!!!!

    Why must you RUIN EVERYTHING!!!!

    No in all seriousness. Being a Catholic myself, we are some superstitious MoFo’s. Like when us kids would get the evil eye, and our grandma would rub a raw egg (in the shell) all over us and say the Hail Mary’s in spanish. And as a kid that was the scariest shit because here you were sick, and ur grandma is telling you someone gave u the “Ojo” (evil eye) And thats ur grandma, she knows everything!! And your like oh my god. I have the evil eye. And then she busts out this raw egg and ur like um what are you doing, and she touches that cold mother fucker all over you whispering the Hail Mary in spanish over and over……

    Omg! *realizing*

    I think my grandma was a witch!
    .-= Crystal´s last blog ..He’s a thief, dressed as a octopus. =-.

  20. We played Bury the Saint, sold the house fairly quickly, and then forgot Joseph in our old town, head down in the ground. One week later in new house, thunderstorm, son runs into kitchen and says, “Mom, it’s raining in your bedroom” and we found out the roof was riddled with holes. Et tu, God. Et tu.
    .-= Julie´s last blog ..I’m Addicted to Twitter and Jen Hates Me =-.

  22. I never made the connection that St. Joseph is Jesus’ dad until this post. So.. even if that whole ‘putting faith into a tiny statue of a man’ thing doesn’t work, you at least taught me something. That’s pretty powerful right there.

  23. I would have buried him right side up with his head sticking out. Like he was at the beach. But then again, I’m Atheist, so therefore, according to Catholics, I probably worse than a heathen. Or the Devil. Or something.
    .-= statia´s last blog ..The More You Know =-.

  24. Great, now I want a magical mushroom boobie.

    Actually, there was a crazy phallic-looking yellow icicle on our woodpile this winter. I should have taken a picture. It was probably a message from God. Or a warning.

  25. Wait, I thought Jesus’s dad was God. Now I’m totally confused. Are you supposed to bury God upside down? And isn’t He everywhere already?

    Ah. I get it now. Joseph was Jesus’s stepdad. That probably explains why J-man didn’t go into the carpentry business.

    Happy Earth Day!
    .-= mr farty´s last blog ..Wedding Photos =-.

  26. The more I read your blog and it’s comments, the more excited I get about going to hell. Because even if it’s really hot (see me- I’m taking a Nalgene full of ice water), there are going to be a whole lot of funny people there with me. And if laughter really is the best medicine, then we won’t mind that we’re hot and dehydrated because we’ll be laughing so hard.

    ♥Spot
    .-= Spot´s last blog ..18 and NOT pregnant…or the one in which Lu scares the crap out of me… =-.

  28. You think it would count if I hung one off my fire escape like those fake owls to scare of pigeons? Hopefully your saint is biodegradeable in honor of earth day. (that means made of poo)
    .-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..40 Years of Earth Day =-.

  31. I’m totally laughing myself silly over the “serving all your Catholic needs” because Catholics are not supposed to have the kinds of needs that need serving. We’re only supposed to do those things under the sanctity of marriage and ONLY to make the babies.
    .-= Laurie Ann´s last blog ..Happy Administrative Professionals Day/ Week =-.

  32. I buried mine in a flower pot by the front door. House still hasen’t sold. Realised the other day that when we moved I took the flower pot with us. Explains a lot, damn it.

    Anyone want to buy a lovely house in north central Texas?

  33. I’m all for selling your house but your getting screwed over.
    Discount Catholic Products…..your getting like the Dollar Store St. Joe.

  34. You get me every time. Every time I start reading one of your blog posts I think to myself, “Bullshit, this can’t be true” And you follow up with God damn picutres. I guess you can’t make this shit up. It seems like a comedy writer is directing your life.

  35. Oh, sweet Jesus. That was my first experience with the magic mushroom boobie. Its resemblance to my boobies is shocking. (When I’m lying down, of course. ‘Cause that’s just what happens to your boobies when you’ve gestated and nursed two babies. Babies kill boobies! Spread the word!)

  37. Heh.. “It’s not MAGIC!! It’s FAITH!” Because that is totally different, y’all. Magic uses top hats and props and stuff!

  38. that was awesome. 🙂
    i’ve got st. joseph in the flower pot on the front porch. i’m not sure if that will get the house sold or just the flower pot. i think i need to exhume the body and find a new place for him. also, it said not to take him out of the plastic baggy, but i did cuz i didn’t want him to suffocate.
    .-= crunchy domestic goddess (amy)´s last blog ..The highs & lows of nature and my Earth Day Challenge =-.

  39. Why is Jesus’ Dad supposed to help sell houses? Mofo’ couldn’t even build four walls around his NEWBORN BABY MESSIAH.
    .-= Jill Tamara´s last blog ..Quote =-.

  40. There is just so much confusing information here.

    First of all, the debate over who Jesus’s dad really is. I’d like to see God and St. Joe go at it on Maury. Let DNA analysis solve this once and for all. Now THAT would pull in some ratings.

    Second, why do Catholics need discount products to serve their needs? Don’t ye just ask and then receive? If all that praying, incense/candle burning, chest-thumping and genuflecting isn’t getting them what they want, then why are they doing it? Oh yeah, eternal life. But, wait, then why are Catholics the people Most Afraid Of Dying?

    Third, if I were a Jesus-supporting-Saint (which I think by now you’ve gleaned that I am not), wouldn’t I be really pissed that you were expecting me to help you line your coffers with the booty from real estate investments? Wouldn’t St. Joe/God/Jesus prefer you give your home to the poor? Or, wait, they don’t need it cuz they’ll inherit the Earth anyway, which includes your house (I assume), thereby rendering your real estate transaction null and void in the eyes of the Lawd. I don’t think a sait would want to be involved in that kind of fraudulent business, do you?

    A couple of years ago I was selling a house. My real estate agent gave me one of those St. Joseph statues. A charming little relic cast in plastic, probably made in China (not that there’s anything wrong with that). She’s such a sweet woman, I ooo’d and aaw’d appropriately, then stuck it in the next bag headed for the Goodwill. The house sold a couple of weeks later, and for $10k more than we were asking.

    Wordy, ain’t I?
    .-= mossum´s last blog ..Pomegranate Shish Kebab =-.

  41. Am I the only one who wants to know why you’re moving? Did this get covered in an earlier post, and maybe I got distracted by accidental glue ingestion and arguments with Victor over the dead people in your dreams?
    .-= Vee´s last blog ..Quick update =-.

  42. Also, though I’m not a Catholic I can explain the upside-down part. At least, I can tell you what I was told. You bury him face down because that way he’ll work harder. He doesn’t want to be in your garden with a mouthful of dirt, he wants to be in a place of honor in your house.
    .-= Vee´s last blog ..Quick update =-.

  43. Adrienne’s comment: But then I started to feel really sacriligious (esp. since I’m NOT Catholic) and threw him away.

    Totally had me rolling in the floor (esp. since I AM Catholic). Like throwing him away isn’t any more sacriligious than burying him?
    .-= Gigi´s last blog ..Dear Old Dad =-.

  44. Holy Crap – I never got the whole Saint Joseph = Jesus’ Dad either. And I grew up in a town that was 98% Catholic. Wow – I am clearly dim.

    True story: many years ago, I was in Portugal with my Portuguese-Catholic boyfriend (and my Celtic-atheist self). I was teasing him about Fatima (basically the Lourdes of Portugal) and he kept saying – “No,really, if you light a candle at Fatima it works; my grandmother told me.” We were there on vacation, but also traveling to see the Portuguese National Soccer team play, and I said “OK, fine. If Portugal beats Azer Baijan SEVEN-NIL (a truly ridiculous score, if you know anything about soccer), I’ll go to Fatima and light a candle.” Wouldn’t you know it? I have a really funny picture of the two of us at Fatima, lighting a candle. You just can’t mess with shit like that.

  45. See, this is why I’m converting to Judaism. No saints, no burying things in the front yard…and also, not eating bacon keeps my cholesterol lower which keeps my doctor happy which means I get better prescriptions for my anti-anxiety meds.
    .-= Uriah´s last blog ..What had Happened Was =-.

  46. So I have this building I need to sell. I decided to try this saint thing. The building sits right on the street, so I used a pick to get through the concrete and granite sidewalk, because, after-all, the sidewalk IS the front yard of this place.

    Some sort of city official came along. He was obviously confused, because he yelled out a saintly name, but he had the wrong one. Hey, I thought Jesus’ middle initial was H. This guy used a word that began with “F” as his middle name.

    I tried to explain that it was actually his dad, but he must not be up on his bible readings, because he didn’t want to hear it.

    For some reason I’m currently handcuffed to a parking meter. More info when I have it. The story is still unfolding.

  47. Did the young Jesus get mad at Joseph when he was told to do his chores, screaming, “I don’t have to listen to you! You’re not my father!” Joseph must’ve had a complex because, really, how could he compare to the other, way more powerful dad?

  48. Is there a specific saint you bury if you want to BUY a house? Like you put an offer on a house and then in the dead of night, sneak into the yard and go bury a statue so that your offer gets accepted? Because if so- that might make house hunting easier. I’m obviously not catholic.
    .-= SuzRocks´s last blog ..Flashback to Ecuador =-.

  49. I love your post about being Catholic and saying the Saint Joseph prayer and then right below it is your post titled “Motherfucker”!!! That’s a religion I can get behind.
    .-= Kellie´s last blog ..Red Light =-.

  50. For Jews, we bury a picture of Jon Stewart upside down next to a plastig bag full of secure savings bonds. Then we don’t bother to sell the house anyway because “that facacta goyim will probably ruin it.” Always works.
    .-= Homemaker Man´s last blog ..Wednesday Night Fights =-.

  51. This is just so amazing because, although born to non-Catholics, my mother later converted to some bat-shit-crazy excommunicated nazi-loving catholic sect declared me catholic because when I was once baptized into the family of a metaphysical new-age church by an openly gay ex-priest!

    We’re totally going to hell together!!!
    .-= Stitch´s last blog .. =-.

  53. My in-laws are Catholic, and I am too technically because I had to go to RCIA (I think that’s the right acronym, unless it’s the name of our time share outfit–anyway, it’s adult catechism) for a year and learn how to be Catholic and then get baptized and renounce Satan and all his works (even the footnotes) before they would allow me to deflower their daughter. The in-laws are Catholic sure enough, but they’re also Vietnamese and they do a lot of incense burning around shrines to the ancestors and whatnot. Also, they’re pretty concerned about feng-shui–which way your front door faces and whether your bed is under a crooked window and shit. They always need to point out, when they are embracing this heathen mumbo jumbo, that they are not superstitious–it’s just tradition, or kind of a funny hobby, not FAITH. They don’t feel at all sheepish about their conviction that you MUST have a priest flick water in certain locations around your new house, have a Jesus fish in your car, a dead Jesus on a cross hanging on the wall, and Virgin Mary action figures prominently displayed around the living room. When they came back from Rome where they got an audience with the Pope (they have connections), dad-in-law bragged like crazy about how he badgered ol’ Ratzy into blessing ten sets of rosary beads, when he usually only blesses two per customer. He couldn’t get the whole bag of beads blessed before they ushered him along, but he was sure that the set he gave us had Pope juice on them.
    .-= beta dad´s last blog ..RTT: Asian Mommies and Slacker Dads =-.

  54. So I saw your tweet go by about this post when I was doing my livestream show and I figured I should not click on it while I was livestreaming my desktop. Because occasionally your blog posts are inappropriate even for my people who generally are cool with that but you never know, and I have a PG rating on my show. But when I got back on twitter I was all “OMG I can’t find the link” and keep going back through my stream for the last hour’s tweets which is like a gazillion tweets.

    Then I realized that I could just type your domain into my browser.

    #themostboringstoryever #thatisall
    .-= Elizabeth Potts Weinstein´s last blog ..EPW Live Ep4: My Secrets for Twitter Stalking & Promotion =-.

  55. When I was a kid my friend Kim and I had a dig area, because we were digging to china. One fall day we found a faceless statue about that size. We called him Chinaman and we were terrified by his ancient voodoo powers. We were pretty sure the Chinaman caused her mom to have a nervous collapse at a Brownie ceremony and mine to wear a tiger suit to answer the doors on Halloween, both of which were incredibly embarrassing. What I’m saying is, be careful little one.

  57. My family did this when I was little. Only, I felt bad that St. Joseph had to be out there all by himself and I buried the entire nativity scene lineup – including baby Jesus. I had to sit in the front row at Sunday school for a month all so Jesus’ step-dad wouldn’t be alone. Worth it.

  60. Making sure you bury him facing out, cause otherwise he will be sitting there upside down, underground, looking at all your sewer junk. Even Jesus doesnt want to see that.
    .-= Kristen´s last blog ..Faith vs. Insanity =-.

  61. I’m a cafeteria Catholic, which basically means I’m the worst Catholic ever. My mother on the other hand prays to all the saints whenever she needs help. She also has a tendancy to spray holy water on us when we are being bad. Which burns really bad.
    .-= MeganLinnea´s last blog ..Some love for my fellow bloggers =-.

  62. My mom did this 25 years ago for a house on Cape Cod. Buried him upside down, facing away from the door. We came back a week later, there was ol’ St. Joe standing on the back step, clean as a whistle. No freakin’ idea how HE got out, but might explain how JESUS got out. That Joe is a strong MOFO to dig out himself while being upside down with arms that were attached to his sides. A boulder in front of a cave? Piece of cake.

  63. “I have no idea. This was probably covered in those Catholic classes I never got invited to. ”

    Fucking CCD.

    I swore the Catholic kids in my class got to go to this really awesome evening fun time, and I felt totally left out of the Catholic clique. I was convinced CCD was the tits.

    I converted to Catholicism as an adult. Probably because of that. But then, I found out it’s more like a cult than a clique and before I knew what I was doing, I was eating flesh and drinking blood, and then I had kids and indoctrinated them.

    It’s a mess, really.

    But, at least my kids will get to go to CCD and drink lukewarm McDonald’s orange drink and color cartoon pictures of the Passion. So jealous.
    .-= Sarah p´s last blog ..C-U-Next-Tuesday: Turf War =-.

  67. MMM…St. Joe isn’t Jesus dad. He is the guy who married Jesus Mother…
    God is Jesus dad…

    And, St. Joe, no matter who he is, does sell a house.

  68. Perhaps if you added the whole brood: Mary, Jesus, and throw in a few wise men for good measure you’d not only sell your house but for quadruple what it’s worth?
    Obviously I’m not Catholic. But if I use this post as a confession do you think I could still get into heaven? I don’t like the heat. Confession: Last time we moved I threw away a bible. Neither my husband nor I knew who it belonged to so into the dumpster it went. Now I live in Brooklyn in a very expensive shed, God: 1, Tonya: 0.
    .-= Tonya´s last blog ..Julie Andrews Likes This =-.

  69. This is soooo weird. My son says you write just like I talk. I don’t know what to make of that…

  70. If it makes you feel any better, I didn’t know St. Joseph was Jesus’ dad, either. (Then again, I’m not Catholic) And I feel like burying a statue of him in your yard is a bad joke someone started a long time ago and somehow it never died. Poor St. Joe.
    .-= Cole´s last blog ..Thursday 4/22 =-.

  71. I tried burying Joe in my front yard last year when I was selling my house. No luck. I’m not going to bother when I put it back on the market next week. I thought I’d get a better realtor this time. I figured it didn’t work for me because I’m a Buddhist Pagan Recovering Catholic.
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Summer Squash =-.

  74. My grandmother made me bury St. Joseph when I was trying to sell my house. Except she bought this tiny christmas manger set that came in one sealed package, and we couldn’t figure out which one was Joseph, and I was too lazy to take them out of the package, so I buried the whole package up-side-down. That’s probably why my house took forever to sell and why I’m definitely going to hell…. I’m sure it’s mentioned in the 10 commandments: “thou shalt not bury jesus in your front yard up-side-down”
    .-= Krista´s last blog ..A letter to a best friend =-.

  75. i’m pretty sure someone must’ve pointed this out to you already, but just to be safe.

  76. Catholics almost killed me.

    When my aunt died her husband (who apparently was Catholic, but hadn’t been to church in 50 years) decided to bury his very non-Catholic wife in a Catholic funeral. We were all very uncomfortable at the service. I mean wow robes and gowns, singing, free crackers, my cousin and I were asked to bring a small jug and something else up to the priest (Hey! I was mourning why would I pay attention?)

    Then there was the frankinscence…I now know that I am allergic to frankincense.

    Apparently choking, swelling up like a balloon, and running out of the church really upsets Catholics. Well I’ll tell you this IT UPSET ME MORE. I almost died because that freakin priest waved that stupid inscence thing in my face. I missed the rest of the service because I couldn’t breathe the air in church.

    I guess God really doesn’t want me.

  77. I did that and my house sold in a week! Cash pending no inspections. St. Joseph now resides in the kitchen window at my new house.

    Good Luck!

  79. I just had to tell you I love you! I never realized St. Joseph was Jesus’s dad either…for real. But my condo in hell will hopefully have a nice view.
    .-= Rachel´s last blog ..Freaking Awesome!!! =-.

  81. I’ve been selling real estate in Atlanta for almost five years. While I think the St. Joseph is a really great tool to get your head space where it needs to be in order to be willing to negotiate a sale – I don’t think the actual act of bury the statue really does much. When I first started selling real estate, my second client invested in real estate and she ALWAYS buried a statue when she was ready to sell. Some of her homes (those priced right and positioned to sell) went under contract really quickly…but those that weren’t sat for a while.

    @Vee – I like how you relate it to the statue not liking dirt in his mouth.
    .-= Tiffany´s last blog ..It’s true! I have blog-xiety and a raging case of ADD! =-.

  82. A really huggy friend who liked to spoon?! LOL. From what I’ve heard, St. Teresa of Avila was the first person to bury a St. Joseph statue when she was looking for a place to build a convent. So now I guess you’re, “Like Teresa of Avila. Only better.”
    .-= Deana Birks´s last blog ..Preteens =-.

  83. I love that the bottom of the instruction piece reminds you that this upside down burial of a plastic figurine in order to influence the mojo in the real estate universe to put that star that the three wise men followed over your for-sale house is not MAGIC but FAITH.

    Hmm.

    I think it works better to sage the shit out of your house to clear the energy, make sure that your dildo is put away during showings and for god’s sake, put James Garfield in a box before anyone comes in. Because, while I think he’s handsome, he could sure as shit scare away someone who doesn’t understand him.

    But then again, maybe you should bury JG in your front yard and say a prayer 9 days in a row
    .-= lynn @ human, being´s last blog ..Days of Grace: 337/365 =-.

  84. I thought you were supposed to bury your placenta, but I’m totally not having a kid *every* time I want to move so I just stay put. Burying a plastic jeebus-dad makes way more sense.

    I mean, way more than burying one’s placenta.
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..Influence =-.

  85. Would burying a simple gnome suffice? Just finding a St Joseph statue is hard. Gnomes are a dime a dozen in hardware and gardening stores. Maybe that’s the point.

    I would like to think Jesus liked to spoon but then I was brought up a Protestant. What would I know?
    .-= Ink Spiller´s last blog ..Earth =-.

  86. We had one of those statues when my parents tried to sell the house. Well, he must have been faulty because we still live in the same house 15 years later. After 2 years, Mom finally dug him up and put him on a shelf facing the corner. She said he was staring at the corner in shame. He was stayed there until last year.

  87. When I first moved into my house, I found a little statue buried in some mulch. I had no idea what it was, or I guess who it was. Then a few months later, I found another in the yard. After a year one turned up in the flower bed. OK, so I bought the house in 1997 and we are STILL finding them. But atleast I know who he is and why he is all over our yard. I guess it worked, though the lady who lived here must have forgotten the part where she digs them up and puts them in a place of honor. She’d really need an entire curio cabinet though!
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..It’s Earth Day 2010, and this is what I’m doing about it. Or green and crunchy missed me. Or I just FAIL. =-.

  88. OMG! THANK YOU for posting this!! One of my readers has been telling me to do this since last year when I first put my house on the market and I didn’t do it because I thought she was crazy! Now I don’t think she’s crazy and know I’m going to find me a little Saint J, and dig up the lawn and put one in. Does it work extra fast if you put more than one in? I’m just saying…I could use all the help I can get!
    .-= “Seattle” Heather´s last blog ..Just another day in the life of moi =-.

  89. I really thought that you were making that shit up. I used to be Catholic, and *I* had never heard of that.
    .-= Chicken´s last blog ..Changes =-.

  90. My boyfriend’s mom is a priest and she did the upside down Joseph thing to sell her house, and her boyfriend’s house and now she sends him out to any friend who is trying to sell their house. They just dig him up and mail him to the next house-selling friend. So, yeah, my boyfriend’s priest mom pimps St. Joseph.
    .-= Beth´s last blog ..Don’t Look Here. Look Over There! =-.

  91. WOLVERINES!!!! and That is all I have to say.
    (first time commenter, long time reader.)

  92. OMG Tears are streaming down my face this is so funny! Probably because I’m not Catholic, either.

    On the package “Discount Catholic Products” just seems wrong. And therefore hella funny.

    I have heard of this burying of some saint in the yard, but I thought it was urban legend. This may be a scam by the realtors association as a way to get even MORE money. Umm, did you try snopes.com? I did for you http://www.snopes.com/luck/stjoseph.asp.
    .-= Kernut´s last blog ..Embarrassing Moments in Underwear – I’ll show you mine… =-.

  96. We FOUND one of these in our front flower bed after we bought our house. Guess it worked. Of course, the previous owners also let us know that the house wasn’t haunted because they’d had it blessed…. Thanks, People. I was worried about the ghosts…..

  99. If I enjoyed reading The DaVinci Code, does that make me Catholic now? These sound like much easier ways of becoming Catholic. And no nuns with rulers–BONUS!
    .-= Paula´s last blog ..No crayons for you! =-.

  100. The best part is the disclaimer about it being FAITH, not magic. Because clearly, if we were burying statues in our yards to do MAGIC it would be WRONG, but burying statues and expecting sales due to FAITH (in what or whom? hmmm? God? The saint? Personally were *I* a saint, I doubt I’d be paying attention to buried statues of myself, just sayin’.) is totally A-OK. I’d prefer the disclaimer if they added: “Guaranteed not to cause eternal damnation.” That would make my year.

  101. From now on, when I buy a house I’m going to demand both a termite inspection *and* a St. Joseph Action Figure detection/removal. I don’t want to ruin my lawnmower blades on the sandled feet of some plastic Jesus baby daddy!

  102. Goddamn Catholics get all the good accessories. No, really. When’s the last time you saw and entire website devoted to agnostic paraphernalia?

    Oh yeah: Match.com.

  103. Having grown up Catholic, I assure you that yes, that’s something we do. And no, against all common sense it is not considered disrespectful.

    I know, right? The one thing the Catholic church thinks it’s offensive and they have to choose burying statues. But at least it’s something. I have my fingers crossed for the next a-okay practice to be S&M.

  104. I buried St. Joseph in my back yard, upside down, facing away from the house. It sold within a week of listing it. That was the house that all the realtors said wouldn’t sell because it was on the “main road.” (We lived in a small town outside a smaller city, and the people who were shopping in our area were city dwellers. The country road that we lived on was definitely NOT a main road to those people. But that just supports my theory that realtors are idiots. And assholes.) Now St. Joseph gets to watch us wash dishes all the time…not sure if that’s a place of honor, but at least he gets a lot of company.

    Anyway, you should really look into these Catholic superstitions, as they are loads of fun. Lost your car keys? Ask St. Jude to find them for you. Going on a trip? St. Christopher will help you with safe travel. Since I know you have lots of free time, just start googling Patron Saint of (fill in the blank), and see what you can come up with!
    .-= a´s last blog ..It’s true… =-.

  106. Oy, I’m Jewish. We’ll never sell the house. But my husband’s not Jewish. Do I bury Joseph one day then digg him up the next ?

  108. Saint Joseph is the patron saint of buying real estate too, so he’s already blessed you with his faithical powers. Probably he’s already buried head-down on your new property and now the former owner is hopelessly trying to remember exactly *which* dry decrepit skeleton bush s/he buried the statuette under so s/he can place St. Joseph in a place of honor. I’m pretty sure I remember that from when my Catholic friends did catechism. Well, that and “Hail Mary” (the complete recitation) and that it’s totally okay to read “romance novels” in Catholic class as long as they have a similar cover to the catechism.
    .-= ajnabi´s last blog ..Wake Up Sid, or, Joint Review Time Again! =-.

  109. Discount Catholic Products? Have I finally discovered the place to get communion wafers and wine in bulk? Because you never know when guest are coming, and I like to be prepared. Plus I find that people are much more intrigued by communion wafers and wine, than the standard, boring cheese and crackers. Seriously, is this like a warehouse club for the religious, or is it just religous chotchkies for cheap? Either way = awesome.
    .-= Sara´s last blog ..Tim Gunn lives at my house =-.

  110. “I though maybe Jesus just had a really huggy friend who liked to spoon”

    That quote just made this Catholic’s day!!!! St. Joseph should totally help you out, Catholic or not, just because you wrote that!!!!!

  111. Woah, that’s a real thing? Maybe the house will sell fast if there’s a family with a dog who just LOVES to dig up plastic representations of patron saints (that’s right, right?).

    Poor St Joseph, does he know Jesus *technically* isn’t his? That you need to *do it* in order to be the father? I don’t know, I just think this would be a great episode of Maury Povich.

  113. This is hilarious because my parents just put their house on the market this week and I told my mom yesterday that she should go online to order a St. Joseph to bury in her yard. She had never heard of that before, and she IS Catholic. (I learned about it from our realtor when we sold our last house. It totally works too, we got an offer after having our house on the market for 2 weeks. But I sort of forgot to dig St. Joseph back up before we left, so I think I might be cursed for life now.)
    .-= cindy w´s last blog ..My Patella-ella-ella =-.

  114. I’ve never seen The Exorcist and I laughed!

    “Awesome.  I’m going to hell just for talking to you today”. I think I know how she feels!
    .-= Kevin´s last blog ..Earth Day, Shmearth Day =-.

  115. @mossum I totally didn’t read your comment before posting mine. I’m glad to see somebody has similarly twisted ideas to me. Here, have a high five through the internet.

    I’d laugh at silly Catholics and their silly superstitions and habits, but everybody including the non-religious seem to do it. Insert awesome funny relatable example I can’t think of right now.

  116. I was going to ridicule you, but then I remembered that I buried the umbilical stumps of both of my kids in my yard with a spoon. I kept them in Ziplock’s for a long time and then felt possessed to bury them. The problem is now that we’re moving, I feel I have to unearth them but I have no freakin’ clue where to find them. And I bet rabid animals probably dug them up already. I didn’t dig that far with a spoon.

  117. even if it doesnt work for selling the house now you can be all ‘look, I buried one guy in my yard already and I’m not above doing it again’ when you write your angry letter to the japanese toothpaste assholes who practically force fed you eyelash glue.
    .-= fidget´s last blog ..attitude =-.

  118. No shit. That really works? I need to sell my car, should I put a St. Mary in the tailpipe? Does that count? I wonder if she’d melt – total Episcopalian here, can ya tell?

  122. Can I just say for, like, the eleventy-billionth time that YOU ARE AWESOME? I can, and I did, and you are.

  123. Yes, well, we never covered statue burying in the catholic classes; so I’m not sure of the protocol. I wish I could be of more help, but I have to confess (I’m catholic) that I seem to be one of those terrible catholics who appears to be terribly catholic -what with the tuition bills I pay and the uniforms we buy – but isn’t.

    Also, for the record St. Joseph is not Jesus’ dad. That job goes to God; Joseph was just the terribly understanding, very forgiving fiance’/husband & step-father.

  124. Just remember – this isn’t magic, it’s based on FAITH! Love it. I’d like to know where in the Bible Joseph got his Realtor’s license. It must be in those extra books that the Catholic bible has that none of the normal Bibles have. Of course the normal Bible is also missing a ton of other books that “The Church” decided should be cut out, too. But the Catholic Bible is missing those, too… so clearly it’s not in there. The rebuilding of Sodom & Gomorrah was a boom time in the industry. But I think that was old testament so Joseph wouldn’t have even been there. I’d rather it was based on MAGIC… less confusing.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..I guess I should say SOMETHING… =-.

  126. What happens if you bury Joseph upside down, but you live in an area with a lot of earth quakes, and he falls on his side or something? Does that mean you get squatters? Will they pay utilities? What do Hindus do? Being Jewish, I just usually sell my shit sans divine intervention, but this is good to know, I guess!
    .-= HannahBanana´s last blog ..77 cents =-.

  127. Poor St. Joseph. In life he was competing with the Almighty to be the baby-daddy of a child who would tell everybody that he wasn’t his real father AND he was married to a virgin who refused to give it up to her own husband. And now in death, when someone buries his statute with his butt up he has to put in a good word with JC so that this person’s house sells. Raw deal.

    I bet he envies St. Anthony. He just gets put on his head in a corner of someone’s bedroom if they want a boyfriend/girlfriend . At least he doesn’t get buried with his butt in the air.

  128. Wait now, who swallowed the eyelash glue? Baby Jesus?

    That doesn’t make any sense, because who would give a baby glue to play with? Maybe his step-daddy. Maybe that’s why Jesus wants you to bury Joseph upside down.

    It all makes perfect sense when you examine it logically.
    .-= Pete´s last blog ..Who You Callin’ a Blimp? =-.

  130. Wow. Your sister is just like you. We gotta hear about the ‘rents, now. (learned ‘rents from being a pos to my ds on fb…..)

  131. Technically, St. Joseph was just Jesus’ step-father. He would totally have bailed like most men except how do you bail on the son of God? I mean, talk about pressure! It wasn’t easy for him, and now people are burying the poor dude in their back yards just to SELL A HOUSE!! Although I hear it totally works.

  132. So there’s a couple St. Josephs right? Which makes me wonder how you know you’re getting the right one. Sure the Carpenter is the one for selling your house. But what about Joseph of Arimethea? If you bury him, do you later dig up the Holy Grail. If it’s J. of Marello, do you later get to cure bronchitis? Joseph of Cupertino is the patron saint of “air travelers, aviators, astronauts, people with a mental handicap, test takers, and weak students.” Does burying him help you pass your SATS in space? Where you will no doubt die, being attacked by mutated space squirrels that stupid St. Francis convinced the Church to shoot into space centuries ago as part of a theological experiment/sangria festival?
    .-= Bridget Callahan´s last blog ..Yay Questions! ( the post formerly known as "If I didn’t like you so much, I’d call this Formspring Friday. What? Right.") =-.

  133. I am so going to hell for reading this……or some other make believe place. Also, catholics have way too many formal rules without adding in all the “other” rules. Who the hell has the time to know all the shortcut prayers to make sure your macaroni doesn’t burn.
    Plus, catholic calisthenics totally suck. I was hopelessly lost and started the hokey pokey. Which was fun until some dude tried to tear gas me with the incense. I tried to get the taste out but the bread tasted like shit. When I went to get a drink the asshole wouldn’t even give me a fresh cup. What are you bastards doing with our tithe.
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..Fuck you breeders =-.

  134. I totally bought my birth control from Discount Catholic products. They sent me an empty box. I’m totally knocked up now.

    Just don’t be surprised if the Joseph thing doesn’t work, is what I’m saying.

  135. “Discount Catholic Products. Serving all your Catholic needs.” I’m probably not supposed to find that funny. I am a terrible Catholic.

    Yes, yes you are. I think you need to say some Hail Marys.

  136. Word…it totally works….sold my house in 6 days yo! I did the Irish Catholic celebratory thing by drinking a Bloody Mary which I found out afterward wasn’t even named after that Mary. Apparently Jesus’ Mom was all peaceful and shit not like that jackhole that killed all those people who’s name was Mary and we drink her vodka as retribution. Any way…it totally works Yo!
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..Barry Bostwick and His Magical Unicorn =-.

  138. We buried a saint in the back yard. In fact, we buried TWO! The first was my son’s sainted hamster, who took way too much grief from our dog and never complained. The second was St. Joseph. It worked! We found a buyer for our house in record time. After all the paperwork was signed and we were ready to leave, we dug him up, and gave him to a friend to bury in her yard. It’s been 11 years now, and she eventually took her house off the market. I think used saints don’t work.
    .-= rogueartistsspeak´s last blog ..FRIGID ART =-.

  139. I burried a hamster in the back yard once. My house didn’t sell, but I did get nice rhubarb the next year (ironically I didn’t plant rhubarb… go figure).
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..Throat Punch Thursday =-.

  142. Also, if you do not say the holding-Jesus prayer nine times your crush will not call you at midnight. Clearly, you cannot break this chain.

  143. Just an FYI – my co-workers automatically go to your Web site whenever they hear me laughing hysterically in my office. You are perhaps the funniest person in the blogosphere.

  145. Pingback: I Haven’t Felt This Way About A Vegetable In A Long Time | The Checkout Girl

  147. We did that, upside down and facing away from the house towards the street. So he would not like that and get us a buyer faster.
    TOTALLY DID NOT WORK. It took over six months to sell the house. What a pain in the ass that was, since we had already had to move.
    I don’t know why St. Joseph hated me back in those days. We finally dug him up because I felt sorry for him. But it still didn’t work.
    I’m not even Catholic anymore, but since I now believe in magic, I would definitely try it again.
    .-= MandalaGal´s last blog ..Spring Break =-.

  148. The huggy friend who likes to spoon and the fork burial of said friend comes full circle everytime you use a spork. Find an annointed one in the Discount Catholic Products catalog. I’m sure they sell ’em.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..It Finally Happened =-.

  149. We put our house on the market 3 months ago…the other day my boss, who i’m pretty sure is an atheist, or maybe even satan himself, told me about this burying a Saint in your yard thing. I totally thought he was trying to put a curse on me. But obviously this must me a truth since you’re doing it.
    I bet if you just hang James Garfield out on your front porch you’ll get a buyer in like seconds.
    .-= Levon´s last blog ..Sometimes i’m a real horses ass… =-.

  150. Our real estate agent told us to paint the window frames, leave the driveway alone (it had some cracks, but she said it would not matter), fix the leak in the basement, and she sold the house in a few weeks. You should probably get a different agent. Just thinking. Unless she told you to do stuff other than bury statues in the front yard. Besides, did she tell you to get it officially blessed by a priest first? If not blessed, I doubt it counts. Sunday school pays off!! Well, Saturday Sunday school. I think. Who can remember that long ago? I do remember having perfect attendance one year and getting to go in a small plane for a ride. Sort of.
    .-= Mike P.´s last blog ..Another Face Palm =-.

  151. I am GLAD I didn’t bury a saint statue (and not just because I’m Methodist) when we tried to sell our house four years ago, because we ended up having to move back into it 6 months later and if it had sold we wouldn’t have been able to return to it and believe me, we’d be a lot worse off in that scenario. But I hope the upside down Joe brings you good house-selling luck!
    .-= Meg´s last blog ..Iron On =-.

  153. buried my St. Joseph upside down on the house side of the for sale sign and sold my house within 2 days of doing that. : ) coincidence….I think not!

  155. How is it that I actually am Catholic and still didn’t make the connection between St. Joseph and Jesus’ father? Please don’t tell Sister Concetta. She will come back from her grave just to flunk me. In other news, be careful when burying St. Joseph. I was told to buy him upside down and in the process snapped his head off. That was almost three years ago.

    We STILL own that house.
    .-= Dani´s last blog ..Also, it is Not a Birthday Celebration Until Your Husband Threatens Someone with Bodily Harm a/k/a Romance at its Finest =-.

  157. You’re pretty fucking interesting, I can see why Cathy likes your blog.

    “Jesus once sent me a magical lawn boobie”

    Hahahahahahaha

    Hey, if you ever run into that little fucker remind him that he owes me a beer.

  158. So, what about all us Christian Non-Catholics? We don’t do all the Saint stuff. What am I supposed to bury? I’ve got a couple Christmas Nativity’s that my mom gave me…I could bury a couple baby Jesus’ in the yard. I have like 4 of them. I could bury all of them – even all the sheep and animals and stuff. I bet that will give me double good luck, right? Or just make me look like the crazy girl that’s burying baby Jesus in her yard. It’s like a really weird Easter Egg hunt. “Hey Kid – Go find the baby Jesus! Here’s a spade!”
    .-= Kerrie´s last blog ..Rock Star In The Bathroom =-.

  159. UHHHM. As a life long Catholic who is basically par for the course (IE: I’ve not been to church in eleven years), I totally have never heard of this tradition before. I totally feel like it is just more of a Real Estate agent thing than it is a Catholic thing.

    BUT HEY. If it works, maybe I’ll start believing in the power of Saint’s post-death doing sainty-post-death mini–miracles. And then if you ever get your eye gouged again, you could totally get an eye patch with Saint Lucy on it and you would totally grow your missing eye-chunk back THAT NIGHT because Saint Lucy is the Patron Saint of Eyesight.

    I don’t know WHY she is the patron saint of eyesight because as her story goes, she was being all sweet and holy and virginal, and some guy thought she was cute and was like “Hey, nice eyes!” and she freaked out because she thought he wanted to date her, so she CUT OUT HER EYES and sent them to him with a note basically saying “PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU HAVE MY EYES NOW “and then God was like “Woah, that is dedication, have some brand new eyes.”

    And the creepiest thing is that back when I was in Catholic School, we used to get Saint trading cards. They were like baseball cards. BUT WITH SAINTS. And there was a huge box of them, and they were shuffled, and you just basically got a random one and then you also got a Saint Michael one (because I went to Saint Michael’s Catholic School). So I was looking over my Saint Michael card while I was waiting for my random saint card, and Saint Michael was like TOTALLY stepping on Satan and running a spear into his side which was AWESOME because that meant we went to a school for bad ass demon hunters.

    So I was actually really pumped for my other saint card and when I finally got it passed out to me? It was some chick holding a PLATTER OF EYES. Come to find out that they were HER OWN EYES. I was seriously let down and kind of scared at the same time because I was only in fourth grade and I was basically learning from the back of a Sainty Baseball Card that God wants you to cut out your eyes if a guy thinks you are cute.

    And that is why I am like this.

    Saint Michael: http://www.sanfranciscosentinel.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/saint-michael.JPG
    Saint Lucy: http://cyberbrethren.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/Saint_Lucy_by_Domenico_di_Pace_Beccafumi.jpg
    .-= Rook´s last blog ..Gambling No Longer Requires Pants! =-.

  161. i just laughed sooo hard i’m crying and i gave myself a headache…and i’m watching “Lord, save us from your followers”…a cool religion-anti documentary! keep up the good work!

  162. So….is he the “Saint of Selling Houses” cause that dude made him and his maybe, maybe not, baby mamma sleep in a barn? Maybe it only gets your house sold if your house includes a barn? Or a donkey. Wasn’t there a cartoon about the donkey who took them to the barn? Or was that Shrek? Speaking of Shrek, why in the hell are there now 4 MOVIES? That series so jumped ship when Justin Timberlake lent his voice to it. His voice is better left to singing the praises of dicks in a box & mother lovers or crying me a river. Is he ever going to sing again? He was good in Alpha Dog and a little ok in Black Snake Moan but I really only liked that movie because they used The Black Keyes “When the Lights go out” in it and I heart the Black Keyes…

  164. And THIS, Darling, is how we know we live in the Bible Belt; no realitor in California or NJ ever gave us a St. Joe to bury upside down in the yard. What can I say? I was raised by heathen Yankees.

  165. Ok.. so I see my husband’s wife at a family picnic last Sunday. I’m telling her about how we just put our condo on the market because we found the perfect house! Now.. all we have to do…. is sell our condo. Easier said than done. Especially in this market. “I’ve had everything crossed for days and still no hits”, I tell her. She then starts to tell me that if I bury one of the saints upside down in my yard, my condo will sell. “Ok lady.. have another sip of that martini” I think.
    So I’m work today.. and I google it. I find your blog.. which by the way.. this is the only entry I’ve read and I about peed my pants. I was actually laughing out loud. This might be the first blog I subscribe to!
    Anyway… I just went online and bought 2 St. Anothy kits! I can’t believe they come in a kit!! One for me and one to send to my apparently not so crazy Aunt-in-law.
    Fingers crossed!! I could be painting the walls in my NEW house soon!! Lets hope this really works!!
    Also… is there a saint I can bury in the yard so that I can get pregnant already too? Just wonderin’.

  166. Oops.. obviously.. that should say Husbands AUNT.. I’m his wife.. LOL

  167. Pingback: What A Friend We Have In Tomato Jesus | Fuck Yeah, Motherhood!

  168. I did this two years ago when trying to sell our house. Unfortunately, for St. Joseph, the house still hasn’t sold and he’s probably lost forever in the front yard, upside down, in a plastic baggie.

  169. Yeah, so St. Joe is Jesus’ step-dad. What’s even more astonishing: Jesus had a Jewish Mother.

    Yeah. All these centuries, those Jew-hating Catholics have been worshipping to holy Mary, mother of God. And she’s a Jewish mom. That knocked me out of my chair.

    (whistling, going to hell…)

    Ps glad it finally sold!

  170. To commenter 169 – Jesus was also Jewish. It’s not really astonishing at all that he had a Jewish mother; Judaism was you know, something that kind of happened a lot in that area. I don’t think the term Christian started being used until much later. Also, racism doesn’t seem to me to often go along with informed people. While we’re on the subject, let’s just put out there that not all Catholics are alike (Catholics seem to happen a lot too). People are individuals. I’m pretty sure I can find at least one that doesn’t hate Jews…

    Anyway, that’s just kind of my pedantic rant of the day. And in case you were wondering, I’m Agnostic.

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