It only took me ten years to become an overnight success. And I’m using the term “overnight success” loosely. And incorrectly. Can you be an overnight success if you plan for it to happen two years from now? Sorry. I’m not great with words.

So. I sold my book.  “What book?” you  may be asking.  You have not been paying attention.  Or possibly I haven’t mentioned it.  I’m bad with details.  Short story?  I started a book 10 years ago as a love letter to my completely fucked-up family.  It’s a mostly-true memoir called “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” and I’m already tired of reading about it.  Aren’t you?  Of course you are. Everyone is writing a book.  Turn to the person on your left.  They’re writing a book.  The person on your right?  Also writing a book.  The person underneath your chair isn’t writing a book but only because they’re a dog but if they had opposable thumbs they would totally be writing a book too.  In fact, your dog is probably thinking right now how much better their book would be than mine. Well, fucking try it then, asshole. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO POOP INSIDE THE HOUSE .  Even the cat doesn’t understand what your fucking problem is.  I don’t need your damn dog judging me, people.

I’m sorry.  That was totally uncalled for.  I’m just practicing being inappropriately bitchy for when I become famous.  It is not coming naturally.  Victor just snorted derisively.  Victor can go fuck himself.  Victor just said I’m making his argument for him.  Victor may have a point.

But here’s the thing…I just sold my book.  The book I’ve been working on for 10 years.  The book that I quit my job to write.  The book that still isn’t finished but that has taken every spare moment that I had and that I never talk about because I’m so afraid of someone calling me a fraud because I can’t even use punctuation properly.  And right now I should be happy.  Vindicated, even.  Right now I should be going down my list of all the people who ever doubted me, broke up with me, made me cry in my office or wouldn’t let me sit next to them at lunch so that I can tell them that when I get invited on the Ellen show I’m going to personally tell America what an asshole they are.  But instead I feel…terrified.  Partially because I can’t find my list of people to fuck with but more importantly, because things are going so well all at once that I can’t stop waiting for the roof to fall in.  And since the roof hasn‘t fallen in yet, I immediately suspect that I am having some sort of nervous breakdown and that all of this is a hallucination.  Because it is easier for me to believe that this is a delusional psychosis than it is for me to believe that I might actually be worthy of something good happening to me.  Which is kind of funny.  And also incredibly sad.  Because it’s absolutely true.

And it’s also absolutely wrong.

I know I will never be Charles Dickens.  I will never use a semi-colon correctly.  Or know what a semi-colon is.  I suspect it’s this thing :  ;   It looks like a sideways man who had half of his handlebar mustache shaved off when he passed out drunk at a frat house.  But that’s not the point. The point is that I have story to tell and it’s filled with unpredictable raccoons and accidental stabbings and profanity and it is nothing like all the fancy books on my shelves…but maybe that’s what makes it special.  And in all my talk about how strangely and beautifully unique each of you are, I never apply that same logic to myself which kind of makes me the biggest hypocrite ever.  So starting today I’m going to start practicing not hating myself quite so much because then maybe when this book actually comes out I can say how proud I am of myself and it won’t be so much of a lie.  Luckily for me, I have a long time to practice.  Luckier for you, I’m about to shut up about my book and not mention it again until it comes out in 2012, which is coincidentally the same year that the Mayans predict that the world is going to end.  I can’t help but suspect that these two things might be related.

I apologize in advance if my book inadvertently triggers the apocalypse.  I assure you, that was totally not my intention.

344 thoughts on “It only took me ten years to become an overnight success. And I’m using the term “overnight success” loosely. And incorrectly. Can you be an overnight success if you plan for it to happen two years from now? Sorry. I’m not great with words.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I can’t think of anything I’d rather have cause the apocalypse 😉 And that, right there, is absolutely my most frequent form of using a semicolon.
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..Controversial Topics =-.

  2. I am so, *so* excited for your book. I am sending so many happy thoughts your way. And who the fuck cares about semi-colons? Just editors. And if it wasn’t for people like you not knowing how to use them, people like me wouldn’t have jobs.
    .-= emvandee´s last blog ..I am pretty sure that every recipe for pistachio pudding that exists anywhere on the Internet or elsewhere is the direct result of the Kraft marketing department. This recipe is no such thing. =-.

  3. I seriously can not wait to pitch this book to Oprah. Now if I can only get 5 minute with Oprah… Maybe William Shatner could help us here?

  4. I think you writing a book is awesome and no I’m not trying to be obsequious…I just am. Any who, do you remember a little author called Jacquelin Susann? She wrote Valley of the Dolls and everyone was all she’s a writer…yep she was a writer who made a fortune on a story about housewives who like drugs. I for one can’t wait to read your book.
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..I Saw What He Used To Be =-.

  5. Maybe you can’t like yourself too much because so many of us love you a little too much, but not in an inappropriate way. And, yeah, I’m one of those “hey, I wrote a book” people, because I did, but now I’m too scared to submit it to an agent or anything, but I still cry because it’s not published (Yes, I’m aware of where the breakdown is in the process), and I’m starting to un-friend all my Facebook and Twitter friends who are writers with actual published books because I’m insanely jealous of them and am also starting to hate them a little bit. So, now, tell yourself: “Self, you are totally awesome and deserve a book more than 99.999% of the douchehatchets who have published books, and lots of people love me, and so I should love myself a little bit, too.” Do it! 🙂
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..Walking Is Highly Over-Rated =-.

  6. Congratulations! I will even pay full price for your book, and I don’t pay full price for anything.

  7. Ahhh…so the Apocalypse and Your book release. That is a Quinky-Dink. But I will totally not blame you for the Apocalypse! Because I mean it was predicted like many thousands of years ago and your book release wasn’t or was it??

    Congrats on the book!! I will definitely be buying that and laughing so hard as I lay in bed at night reading it that my kids well yell “SHUT UP Mom!! We’re trying to sleep.” Flippin ingrates.

    .-= Spot´s last blog ..The one where I apologize & then make you laugh & remind you about the giveaway… =-.

  8. Jenny … the book’s gonna be great … it’ll be ok … no therapy needed. We’ll all read it and love it. Who’s reading that moldy Dickens crap now anyways…

    (I must say that my dog’s book is probably gonna knock yours off the best-seller list, but that’s just tough shit … you’ll deal with it. You’ll probably have to share billing with him on Dr. Phil.)
    .-= The Queer Next Door´s last blog ..He’s Pissed! Oh Well…Here Comes the Hurricane, Y’all… =-.

  9. Anyone who passes out in a frat house with a handlebar moustache deserves to have half of it shaved off. You can’t pass out with an epic moustache and expect it to stay in tact (intact? What the fuck ever.) Also if your book does cause th apocalypse then great. At least I can have something to read while I’m wasted and waitting for the world to end. If I can see straight enough to read that is…

    Congratulations on the book deal though and I can’t wait to read it! While I sip margaritas and pop ambian. Because that is how I roll.
    .-= Sonja´s last blog ..The Red Sox Drinking Game =-.

  10. This news makes me happy – apart from the worry you might not blog/tweet so much if you’re busy actually writing, because I want to own your book (actually I want a signed copy for best and an regular coffee so when I spit my coffee over it laughing I don’t hate myself) and I want to send your book to all my friends (because hey – it’s going to be great – and it makes the Christmas gift list a hell of a lot easier if I buy a couple of dozen of your book and give them out).
    You know what – you deserve it, you are wickedly funny and always cheer me up – not least because when people say I’m too sweary I can point them to here with a swift “don’t fucking judge me – douche canoe”.

  11. Congratulations! And just why is it so fucking hard to apply that logic to yourself? I can’t seem to ever get it quite right. Maybe your book will help? Or maybe I’ll be back in therapy too.

  12. Oooooh looking forward to your book! I am in process of writing about 6 books of which none will probably get finished and I defo think my cat is probably writing a really cool book about her death defying wire chewing antics! In fact I think she has gone one better and is probably making a film! Just hope she pays me back for the chargers she has cost me! 😀
    .-= jo´s last blog ..Lets Go Online! =-.

  13. Oh, Jenny:) I am so happy for you. This is wonderful. Though I am a tad bit jealous b/c your book is sold and almost done and mine is still … almost done.

    Don’t worry about the semi-colons. You shouldn’t be using them much anyway (that’s the former English teacher in me just saying – worst part of the year as a seventh grade teacher was introducing the semi-colon. Every dang paper was littered with them forever after. The English language could live just fine without the stupid thing.)

    .-= annie´s last blog ..Patanjali Says it All =-.

  14. excellent news! great blog! you make me laugh out loud as usual. you have a funny, unique voice, and i can’t wait to read your book. hurrah!

  15. I am more excited to read your book than I am about the Mayan apocalypse.

    I am way more excited about your book than I am about all of the cat vomit I have to clean up every day. I should probably just let the dog eat it like he wants to but then I’m afraid he actually WOULD shit in the house and his poop is so much bigger than their puke, that that’s a no brainer Jenny.

    Does his ability to control his poop make my dog worthy of judging you? Because he won’t do anything I say unless I let him eat cat vomit.
    .-= Mae´s last blog ..Apples, anyone? =-.

  16. Dude. I know from the fucked up families. And I know from the self doubt. But you have TOTALLY earned this moment.

  17. I have painted dog portraits for three bloggers and they’ve all published books. I think that makes me magic. Except 2 of the 3 had already published books before the painting and I’ve painted hundreds of other paintings for un-published people…. But I’m going to use it as a marketing tool anyway.

    Honestly, congratulations. I will buy the book when it comes out and I’ll come to one of your book signings and bring you something taxidermied.

  18. Jenny, “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” is my ex-family’s mantra. Right down to the time my weird nephew fed broken glass to my 3 year old, mixed up in his spaghetti. After spending all night in the emergency room, I threw them on the next plane home, and “come again!” was not in my vocabulary. I got thrown out of the family a few years ago, because I NEVER spoke that mantra, and they got tired of having to hear the ugly truth.

    Please let me know when and where I can get a copy of your book!

  19. *Standing up and clapping slowly*.

    *And showing you my boobs*.

    *You’re welcome.*

    (Seriously, congrats. I will hold a midnight release party when it comes out with a giant cardboard cutout of you and boob pudding cups from Japan for everyone.)

  20. Hi,

    I know your book is going to be awesome…and I don’t care if your punctuation isn’t 100% in it. That’s why there are editors to know when to use the semicolon.

    The reason I know your book is going to be awesome and inspirational is: because you are. Even though you are far from perfect…you are completely and totally authentic. And in an era when authenticity and humanity are getting filtered out in the name of political correctness you are a welcome change. A change that encourages those of us who are slightly more inhibited (some might call it less crazy…but we don’t care about them…clearly you can’t please everyone) to have the courage to embrace who we are and just live our fucking lives…even if we are not perfect or politically correct.

    So thank you and I will be buying your book 🙂
    .-= Trisha Cornelius´s last blog ..Art is Worth Paying For =-.

  21. First of all, you are totally not ever going to be anything like Charles Dickens because Dickens was a Total Hack! Total hack. I tried and tried to like Dickens for years and years, because I thought I should, because after all he wrote Classics. Which means they are actually, you know, worth reading. Right? Then I found out he got paid by the word, and things suddenly made much more sense.

    Second — huge big shout-y hoorays for you! I am going to buy the fuck out of that book in two years!

    Third — I do that, too. That believing that everyone else is unique and wonderful and talented and lovely and generally swell…except not me. Because none of that could possibly apply _here_, no sir. I suspect a lot of people do that. Maybe we all need to punch ourselves in the face a few times and figure out how to get the fuck over it. (Or maybe we could all punch each other in the face, but then hug a lot right afterward…?)

    In conclusion: WOLVERINES!!!
    .-= Miss B´s last blog ..A Private Aside To A Stranger In Provence =-.

  22. Amazing things that can happen as a result of your book:
    1) You + Ellen might cause my heart to explode out of excitement. Wait, never mind, put that under the crappy things that’d happen as a result of your book list.
    2) If Congress ever has a panel on racoons (and let’s face it, Congress has panels on fricken everything – they’ve gotta get around to raccoons any day) now you’re totally going to get invited to come speak in front of it. Then you’ll possibly solve health care and stop all wars. I mean, or at least be able to tell off a politican.
    3) Dogs will get so full of themselves they’ll start inventing dog typewriters to prove they can write a book – leading, tragically, to some people falling under dogs spell and inventing a dog worshipping cult, kinda like the ancient Egyptians, only with dogs instead of cats and absolutely no world wonders. And while all that will suck, come on, picture a dog using a typewriter. That’s hilarious.
    4) The world ending. Now, this may seem like a bad thing, but what if there are aliens and robots and zombies involved? ‘Cause death might suck, but at least we’d all go out living our movie dreams.

  23. move over tom robbins, here comes the bloggess. say yeah!

    i too can never believe i’m worthy of anything good and think something must be incredily wrong with the universe or my mental health. but in your case, that’s just rubbish. and unlike you i always have my list of people to fuck with ready at hand.

    your interpretation of the semi-colon: solid gold.
    .-= pattypunker´s last blog ..motherfucking oprah =-.

  24. A) I love you and I would buy your book even if it said “All Work and No Play Makes Jenny a Dull Girl” over and over and over and you chased me through a bushy maze with a hatchet.
    B) Do I hear Book Tour? Yay! I call carrying your liquor cabinet and Xanax! So back the fuck off other followers, I CALLED IT FIRST!
    C) I didn’t mean that, I really love the other followers.
    D) And yes, I too am writing a book. Five of them actually. Because each time I start one, I get terrified that it might work out and I stop working on it to outline another book. I’m a prolific outliner. Perhaps my dog would be better suited to it, and he could write, “Shut Up and Get Me a Rawhide: My Life With a Wannabe.”
    CONGRATS TO YOU. You ARE like Mother Teresa, only better.

  25. I can’t wait… and if you do just happen to trigger Armageddon at least we’ll all be reading a good book! I think you’re fantastic here, can’t wait for the book.


  26. think about what you WANT to have happen in your life; not what you DO NOT want to have happen in your life. Make the things you WANT happen. just as you are currently doing by getting your book published. smile, Sweetie! YOU DESERVE GOOD THINGS IN YOUR LIFE.

    and i used a semi;colon and i do not care if it was correct or not. screw it. it is just a dot with a squiggle. you are much better than a punctuation mark.

    cannot wait to read your book! you are awesome, my dear!

  27. That will be vagina cup cakes all round. My friend has a cupcake shop she will be inspired. I am too looking forward to your book. Get on with the sequel.

  28. You are the fifth horseman of the Apocolypse. War, Famine, Plague and Death and Bloggess.

    “When the Lamb opened the fifth seal, I heard the voice of the fifth living creature say, “Come!” I looked and there before me was a pale horse with a wig! Its rider was named Bloggess and had a cat on her head. They were given power over a fifth of the earth to kill with stabby things, humor and twitter. Vicotr was annoyed.”

    KInd of like one of the Horseman from Good Omens

  29. I know I’m a complete stranger but I’ve kind of been following (read:stalking) your blog for a month now and kind of feel like I KIND OF know you in some weird, spiritualistic completely non-existent sense. But then when I went to type this comment, I got scared and forgot how to spell my own name so maybe I don’t know you as well as I thought I did. Plus, you’re uber (as opposed to when you were just) famous now.

    But then I remembered you have panic attacks too, so I figure you’ll understand these messed up leaps in logic.

    I just wanted to say that I am completely happy for you and very excited about your book. Also, thanks for having the guts to laugh at yourself. In public. Because I’m still learning how to do that and that shit isn’t easy not matter how much you make it look like it is.

  30. Fucking, A.. or is it Fucking eh? I’m from Canada and I’m still not sure which way it’s suppose to be but it means: AWESOME. So maybe it is Fucking A.

    >:;( <— drunk handlebar mustache dude who passed out and got shaved. I dunno. I tried.
    .-= Judy Doojie´s last blog ..Photo =-.

  31. I can’t wait to read your book! I’ve been going on about it to my husband and he thinks I’m crazy. But I’m just so excited.

  32. I hope your loyal fans get a chance to pre-order your literary masterpiece. ESPECIALLY if it triggers the apocalypse. That way we get to read it before we all die in the back of John Cusak’s limo in a couple years. OOh that gives me an idea. When you’re a famous author get a limo. According to 2012 those things can outrun the end of the fucking world.

  33. You. Are. Awesome. Please don’t listen to those voices in your head telling you you’re not. And yes, if you can’t shut them up, you may want to sic a therapist on them. But please find a good one. Bad therapists just piss the voices off.

  34. I’ll be in line with my book for your signature ! I wish my dog could write a book – imagine all the shit he’d say (I shudder at the thought)
    .-= Robbie´s last blog ..Weekend Madness =-.

  35. I don’t have fancy books on my bookshelf so yours will fit in quite nicely with the other profanity-filled, INTENTIONAL-stabbing riddled books. Nothing on raccoons yet so I’m totally psyched.
    And you are totally worthy because you’re awesome… it’s easy to say that to you but I would never say it about myself either. Wierd how that works.

  36. I cannot wait. Just please make sure that they don’t let Jennifer Aniston be in the movie. Who will play Victor? Will James Garfield be given a speaking role? I can’t wait.
    .-= Lorraine´s last blog ..Questions and answers =-.


    “, because things are going so well all at once that I can’t stop waiting for the roof to fall in. And since the roof hasn‘t fallen in yet, I immediately suspect that I am having some sort of nervous breakdown and that all of this is a hallucination. Because it is easier for me to believe that this is a delusional psychosis than it is for me to believe that I might actually be worthy of something good happening to me. Which is kind of funny. And also incredibly sad. Because it’s absolutely true.”

    I feel this way a lot too, only I refer to it as waiting for the bottom drop out. Because it always, always did. So I can’t appreciate anything beautiful and happy and wonderful in my life now because I KNOW the bottom is going to drop out. Good things don’t happen to me.

    I don’t want to go into my own sordid life and ME ME ME MY ISSUES THANKS here, but thanks for reminding me that I’m worth good things happening to me. You are too, and are such a huge inspiration to me, in terms of humor, humanity, writing (you hoped the third one would be an h too, didn’t you), family, creativity, and kick assedness. NOUNS? Who needs ’em, Jenny Lawson sold her book.

    I’m going down in a Zombie Apolcalypse 2012, but with a copy of your book clenched in my fist.

  38. I’m excited for you! As someone who aspires to be a writer but always starts writing and never finishes what she writes let me say this is a HUGE accomplishment regardless of how long it has taken you. YOU. HAVE. SOLD. YOUR. STORY.

    Also, completely justified about the roof caving in. But then, in a way, maybe you selling your book caused the Oil Crisis? Did I just blame you for that? Yes. Yes I did. But in a friendly, not-judging-you way.

  39. Don’t hate me, but I actually am working on a book. But it’s a technical book, and I’m just updating a book that someone else wrote years ago. So I guess that doesn’t really count at all.

  40. My cat would be totally judging you except we killed him today, and that’s not even the funny part yet. The funny part is that I actually contemplated having him mummified or petrified or whatever it is you do with dead critters when they don’t die on the side of the road or the front of a mack truck, and putting a stogie between his little kitty teeth and mailing him to you for The Collection. But I was having a hard time deciding how I’d explain that to the crying kiddos. So we buried him under the apple trees, so now we won’t sit under the apple tree with anyone else but Fat Jake the Cat.
    .-= pamela dayton time´s last blog ..this day. =-.

  41. That is awesome! If I could think of a wittier comment, I’d make it – I’m not saving it for my boyfriend or anything, I’m just kinda unwitty lately. There’s probably a little blue pill for that, but I hate having to answer questions about whether I’m on anal poppers before I’m cleared for medication.
    .-= anne nahm´s last blog ..Say Say Oh Playmate =-.

  42. I am so excited for you. And for me, ’cause now I get to read your book and find out what truly happened with Hailey’s great-grandmother and that dead body she dough out of its grave to give to her father for Easter. That is one of the biggest cliffhangers in history. I need to know what happened to Great Meemaw and her army of zombies (’cause this is why she unburied the dead, right? ‘Cause her dad wanted an army of zombies, right?) Please don’t let it get cut during the editing process!

    P.S.- I know how you feel about waiting for the roof to fall in. I go through that whenever happy things happen to me, like if I am looking forward to a vacation I start thinking all the things that could happen, such as the plane crashing. You deserve all the good things that happen to you. You are fabulous!

  43. Bitch, fake it ’til you make it. You think the rest of us like ourselves? Hell. No. The only way we don’t all commit mass suicide is because we’re all pretending that we have no reasons to. It’s why I answer every question about myself with ‘Because I’m fucking awesome.’ which is apparently an appropriate response when people go ‘Why should I hang out with you?’ (no one ever asks me this) but not so much when people go ‘Why the fuck did you just hit that dude with a mallet?!’ (people may ask me this more than they should). But whatever. Who needs to be appropriate? Fuck *that*.
    Yes, so. Look in the mirror and search deep within yourself and when you find nothing more than your inner child, chain-smoking and flicking buttons at the spiders lurking in the dusty corners of your mind you keep MEANING to use by learning mandarin or taking up embroidery or some shit like that, just shrug it off and go ‘Yeah but it’s ok, *because I’m fucking awesome*’

    Also, I’m not writing a book. Because I’m lazy. But one day I’m *totally* going to write a book about how I spent 15 years NOT writing a book, because I was too busy taking drugs and smoking and posing nude and then getting married and having a baby and then I was too boring to write a book so I just bitched about it instead until my daughter reached an age where she could tell me to get the fuck over myself and write the goddamn fucking book, just like *I* told *my* mother to a couple of years back.
    .-= Arienette´s last blog ..One of those days =-.

  44. That is awesome- I think you just sold like 69 copies to all of us commenters. That’s pretty much going to make it a NYT bestseller.

    My dog can’t wait for your book to come out so she can eat it.
    .-= SuzRocks´s last blog ..El Fin: DC Part 3 =-.

  45. I cannot wait for this book, because there is always an extra space on my bookshelf – and what better way to fill it than with the wonderfully messed-up inner workings of your mind? I think this beast will be a gift to the public. I thank you.

  46. It didn’t suck and then I laughed: How I Had a twitter war with Capt Kirk, let you ask me assvice on sex, and how I wrote a book that isn’t just my blog bound between two hard covers and call it a BOOK!


  47. Orrrr, maybe after the apocalypse, all we are left with is your book, and that’s where we have to live for ever and ever. If that’s the case, I would like to request a cozy home between pages 135 and 136, where I can curl up and keep warm. Ugh, unless pages 135 and 136 are the same page, just different sides of it, in which case I’m going to have one hell of a paper cut that I’ll have to suffer for the rest of my life. Paper cuts are the worst. Just slightly worse than an apocalypse.

  48. This is a way, way bigger deal than all those stupid Harry Potter books, because it’s real life, and more importantly, your life. I will personally stand in line at midnight the night your book is released. Okay, not such a big deal since I’m up that late all the time, anyway. The difference? I don’t think you’re allowed to to Tequila shooters in the B&N parking lot, so I’ll be more sober than usual. Or less drunk. See, your book will cause me to “drink responsibly” (meaning, get drunk before I leave the house, instead of after), so you’re doing a public service. We all win.

    Oh, and big Conga Rats on the book sale. You are awesome.
    .-= Barbara´s last blog ..Everything that’s wrong with social media =-.

  49. If your technology shutting down didn’t trigger the apocalypse, I don’t think your book coming out will. Then again, you never know. Those pesky Mayans knew everything.
    Mayan 1: When do the stars say Jenny’s book will come out.
    Mayan 2: 2012
    Mayan 1: How far are we on the calendar?
    Mayan 2: 2012
    Mayan 1: Nothing we do after Jenny’s book coming out will matter and it will reset time as we know it, so just stop there.
    Mayan 2: Thank Quaetzquatal!!! My chisel hand is tired! I’VE GOT BLISTERS ON MY FINGERS!!
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Now that it’s Tuesday… =-.

  50. Congratulations, a thousand and one times over!!!!

    I don’t think there’s anyone more deserving and more talented. I am not kidding. Every time I read you, I howl with laughter or smile or I am simply moved to tears. (But, mainly howl with laughter.) And forget about what’s sitting on the shelf. People want what you’re selling, baby. They want to laugh and cry and howl for the joy of it.

    And what is this about not liking yourself? Because, you my girl, are the absolute bestest.

    P.S. I’m the one to your left. My novel’s done, but I’m a-scared to venture out into that great big world of literary agents. I’m trying to take a deep breath and jump in, but I’m a little paralyzed with fear right now. Working on that. (And also working on liking myself a little more, too.)

    I can’t wait to read the captivating, extraordinary Tales from The Bloggess.
    .-= joann mannix´s last blog ..Blogger Is A Waterboarding Beyotch Part I =-.

  51. I’m totally going to get your book when it comes out. And the Mayans weren’t predicting the Apocalypse, they were just marking on their calendar their biggest party EVER. They were so freaking clever to know your book was going to be published in 2012!

    Don’t worry about the semi-colon thing. I’m an English major and hardly ever use them. In fact, about the only time I DO use them is when I’m textually winking at someone. Like this: 😉
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Zen No. 16 =-.

  52. You are amazing and beautiful and you make my life richer and I know I’m not the only one who thinks that!
    On my list of things I want in this world is to meet you, and maybe smash a bottle of booze in the bathroom with you. I’ll even hold it by the neck of the bottle and hide under the sink and snarl ferally at anybody scary. I will do that for you because YOU ARE FUCKING FANTASTIC!
    And Jenny, dear sweet amazing Jenny, anytime a book changes the world as we know it, it’s a GOOD thing!
    .-= Ariel´s last blog ..Thoughts =-.

  53. I want to add, Congratulations!

    We all have a moments of self-doubt. In my case, I’m plagued with self-doubt and have moments of confidence. And I’m that person to your left who wrote a book. Actually, it’s a pile of unsold manuscripts.

    Let me know when the book is ready for pre-order. I want to be one of the first to get it.

  54. For the record, I’ve never read Dickens and fuck the semicolon.
    I mean, honestly, colon? Semicolon? I don’t want to use ANY punctuation named after a body part. Sorry.
    .-= Ariel´s last blog ..Thoughts =-.

  55. Just promise me you’ll get someone to design some safer zombie-apocalypse furniture before your book comes out, okay? You know, just in case.

    (Many heartfelt congrats, Jenny. I can’t wait to read your book.)
    .-= Anne´s last blog ..If You Can’t Beat ’em, Join ’em =-.

  56. Oh, that is so exciting! And shut up about everyone writing a book, because seriously? Everyone just *talks* about writing their book! Very few people finish it or get beyond a couple really awful chapters where the main character’s name keeps changing or the POV switches from 3rd person to 1st and then back again.

    (I may or may not have just described my “book”. I plead the 5th.)

    You’ve just scored a major life accomplishment that most people just dream about! Congratulations!

    Also? At least you know where the semi colon is on your keyboard. My husband bought my laptop as an Ebay deal and the seller neglected to mention that it’s freaking FRENCH. It takes me 5 minutes of random button pushing to even find the question mark.

  57. Jenny – congratulations!

    I’m sure you are writing the funniest, most touching, most YOU book ever and I will buy it when it comes out. And you’d better autograph it.
    .-= Lady M´s last blog ..Festival Day =-.

  58. aha! so did you also start your blog as a “writer’s platform?” cause I did and still don’t really understand how that works out, although judging from the people that just said they wanted a copy of the book (two years ahead of time) you may be on to something here.

    very curious. if the book is anything like your blog I will laugh a lot, but wonder how you can pull that off for more than a few hundred words. very curious indeed…..
    .-= arbulua´s last blog ..On home and identity =-.

  59. Did you have many turn downs before someone decided to buy your book? just wondering because I have been trying to get mine published with no luck and just wondering if you too experienced turn downs before finally selling it…because if you did that gives me hope.

    ( I don’t know if I got rejections because I basically just gave it to my agent and then hid in bed until she had good news. I can tell you though that my agent rejected my proposal many, many, many times before she deemed it good enough to stand alone. The proposal process sucked. But she was totally right. Keep trying… ~Jenny)

  60. Um….I thought you were already famous. Sure seems it to me. So; (note use of semicolon) here’s to becoming more famous!


  61. Congrats Jenny! You’re the reason I started blogging! The same assholes who doubted me and wouldn’t sit next to me at lunch didn’t think I could do it. But I just write about those assholes and the greatest thing is that they don’t even know it! I’ve been working on my book for 7 years. Maybe in 3 more I’ll get my deal. That is if your book doesn’t cause the apocalypse.

    Now get some rest and like yourself. Because I like you and so do all of your readers who will sit next to you at lunch at the drop of a duece.

  62. Sooooo, Barnaby Jones is writing a book too, then? When is that coming out? Will it be a tell-all?

    I knew there was a missing link that the History Channel wasn’t telling us about – your book coming out will trigger the apocalypse!

    Can’t wait to read about how “accidental” stabbings relate to taxidermy! I’m sure it’s a really good story, if the police believe it.

    Seriously, though – Congratulations! I hope you sold your book for a lot of money! Keep up the diva training – you’ll be sure to put it to good use. Barnaby Jones probably prefers Fiji water and hourly massages. Don’t forget to put that in your riders.
    .-= a´s last blog ..It’s true… =-.

  63. I’ve learned that this right here, what you’ve written, is what makes you a writer. And knowing the semicolons and how to groom them appropriately and all that that implies (does that imply anything?) is what makes me a proofreader-editor-type. I can’t create the way you can but I can shine it up and take out all the extra commas (STOP COMMA ABUSE) and know when to break into new paragraphs because it just feels right to start a new paragraph. Sometimes I can write a bit. But being a writer is more than that…it’s what you live and breathe and are and when you write, you’re just breathing out who you are.

    I apologize for everything I’ve just said because I was up all night and have had lots of coffee today. Thank you and goodnight.
    .-= @stellar225´s last blog ..Finding and Losing =-.

  64. Q: Should anal-retentive have a hyphen?
    A: No, it should have a colon.

    When your book is published, please be sure to go on Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, cuz he swears as brilliantly as you and the CBS censors would get blisters on their bleeping fingers.
    Enjoy the success – you’ve earned it.

  65. Don’t worry, I won’t blame you if the apocalypse happens in 2012. Because if you do cause the apocalypse in 2012, I don’t have to finish my dissertation–or ever go to school again. So really you’d be doing me a favor if you DID cause the end of the world.
    .-= emchic´s last blog ..That One Extra Box Makes a Big Difference! =-.

  66. We’ll all love and adore you while you keep trying to realize how awesome you are. I’m so excited to read your book–but get a good editor for those semicolons. I hate reading badly puncuated stuff–maybe because I’m one of those snobby editors who’s always inserting semicolons (correctly)!

  67. i am SO happy for you!! the semicolon is stupid and no one knows how to use it. i second the motion of you being on craig ferguson AND jimmy fallon.


    and i know what you mean about panicking about things going right. like, what the HELL. i deserve this. but seriously, wtf is going on? and then you have to remember to close your closets at night and lock your windows when you’re home alone because skippedy-do-da, that’s when the crowd in the movie starts yelling “DON’T GO UP THOSE STAIRS!!”

    and how the FUCKBALLS do i get panick attacks when things go right?

    um. deep breaths. great. your good news is giving ME panick attacks. thanks. i hate you.

  68. Sometimes when I do smiley faces on the internet I use periods instead of colons, or commas instead of semicolons, and if people point it out that I’m doing .) instead of 🙂 then I yell at them and say I only have one eye and how insensitive they are.

    That has nothing to do with anything except the fact that I think semicolons are most useful as part of smiley faces.
    .-= K´s last blog ..I have a lot of things to do tomorrow, so I’m distracting myself from thinking about it at the moment through this entry =-.

  69. Holy crap I didn’t think I would get to the comment box. Now my finger is tired from rolling the mouse. Not that kind of roll, because that would be gross. ewww. Why am I here? Oh yeah. Yay. I for one will definitely buy your book as long as it is not more that $20.00. I hope it is not hard cover because I tend to fall asleep when reading and hard cover books can cause injuries.
    I for one (what’s up with that phrase?), I for two. Is a double II. – Some things I wonder about like dogs have it really really good, they don’t have to clean a bathroom or toilet bowl and wipe their ass after they poo. How cool is that? I want to be a dog in my next life. Maybe a dog that is owned by the current American president whom ever that will be in my next life. Or maybe a dog owned by Brad Pitt. Crap, this is a long comment.

  70. i haven’t commented before but i’ve been reading for a while. congratulations i’m definitely going to be reading your book 🙂

  71. Totally buying it…and paying retail..even if it is hardcover!!!

  72. Wow that’s brilliant, Congratulations, I will definitely be buying it!!

  73. I am pretty sure my dog IS writing a book and will probably finish it before I finish mine. I’m sure it has something to do with how he’s trying to escape, enjoys hiding in closets or has homosexual tendencies.
    Semi-colons? I try AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK to use one in my newspaper columns and I must not get it right because they are ALWAYS edited out. And I’m too lame to ask for how to correctly use them. I asked an English teacher friend if she had any kindof punctuation for dummies and she looked at me like I had painted semi-colons on my face in dog poo.
    What’s even sadder? My degree is is communications and English-double major.
    Good on you for the book!
    .-= Amy Mayfield´s last blog ..A, not so, exciting announcement =-.

  74. Oh my god, Jenny, it’s YOUR hand that got me up and out of the hole- I’ve been cutting sober three and a half years!- more than once. You are so very worthy. And I know so many people have said it, and written it, and it helps sorta but doesn’t change the voice in your head. Let us be the voice in your head, please. (Now I’m crying. What a dork.) I love you.

    And I’m damn excited about your book.

  75. I understand that fear and disbelief in oneself. I questioned all my major accomplishments and compliments I’d receive from others. I felt like at any moment everyone would realize I was a fraud who never deserved to be in grad school with an amazing fellowship and working alongside some of the most amazing people. I read “I Thought It Was Just Me” by the amazing Brene Brown and really started to rethink those things I’d accomplished and own them. I learned to accept those compliments and most importantly to give myself the credit I give to others. When your whole existence is one of helping others and believing in the strengths of your client and you can’t see those things in yourself it really crashes down on you to practice what you preach. You are such an inspiration to so many, give yourself time to appreciate you and all the things you’ve done.

  76. Actually I am happy for you.
    Which is not something that comes easy to me.
    See I am a competitive bitch who also just approved her final draft of HER FRICKIN BOOK today as well.
    And I have a really f-d up habit of seeing others good fortune as the universe just slapping me across the face and saying “You are a failure compared to this person. so you should give up.’
    I told you.
    I am not normal.
    Send help.

    But this time. I am happy.
    So happy I might go drink myself into a stupor.
    .-= The Glamorous Life Association´s last blog ..Sometimes all you need is a good strip. =-.

  77. 2012? Seriously? Those peckerheads can’t do better than that?

  78. The world’s only going to end in 2012 if Sarah Palin’s elected president. So don’t worry Jenny! Totally NOT YOUR FAULT. Unless your vote is the one that gets her elected. In which case, you suck. Better be safe and just go hide in a fall-out shelter until 2013.
    .-= Emilia´s last blog ..French People Are Controlling Our Minds =-.

  79. Sure it wasn’t your intention. The difference between you and the others writing a book (myself included) is that you are published. See
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..Fuck you Hollywood =-.

  80. Congratulations!!!!

    Since I started reading your blog at work, I had to resort to wearing Depends, and I am still a youngster. You make me laugh out loud with tears streaming down my face, and I marvel whenever I read you that there are amazing people like you out there. Thank goodness for the internet! Insecure people unite! I can’t wait to read your book and I hope its filled with freaky taxidermy, animal penises, and dogs taking their revenge on people.

  81. Know what the number one fear of new employees is? That they’ve somehow bamboozled everyone into giving them a job they are not really qualified for. And that everyone will find out. So turns out you’re astoundingly normal. Although it is true I mostly come here for the grammar. And the wigs. Maybe your book should come with a wig. That would be awesome.

  82. I should clarify that I meant employees’ fears, not other people’s fear of new employees. Maybe I should go elsewhere for my grammar.

  83. CONGRATS!!!!
    You’re much too tough on yourself.

    The semi-colon is halfway between the brown eye and the hooha . . ..
    . . Using it properly isn’t really that much of an issue——
    just remember to remove the thong first.
    And bathe every now and then.

  84. Anytime there is more Jenny to read is a good time, and I’m going to pre-order your book so you’ll still get paid even if the world does end. And frankly, as an avid bibliophile I’m sort of rooting for your book to trigger the apocalypse anyway, because it would totally restore my faith in literature. My English teachers always insisted that the Pen is mightier than the Sword, but I’ve secretly always been more afraid of swords than books. And yet, could a sword destroy the world? Even a big sword, like the one Conan the Barbarian had? No! You’d have to chop everyone’s head off individually, and a lot of people would probably run when they saw you coming, so you’d have to chase them, and it would just take for frigging ever.

    So suck it, swords!

    (Actually, I’m not sure how your book would pull it off either, but books are smarter than cutlery, so I’m sure it’s already figured out a good plan for Armageddon.)

    Anyway, congratulations.
    .-= Scott C.´s last blog ..CSI: White House: Special Victim’s Unit =-.

  85. The comments probably justify your case that everyone and his dog (almost) is writing a book. So I figured the thing you could use is another person telling you that you’re inspiring to them because they’re writing a book. Because in theory I am. So that bogus person is me. Let’s hope I can come up with more original ideas for my book than for this comment post. In the meantime, congratulations. You deserve a glass of wine and a chocolate-covered strawberry.
    .-= Kate´s last blog ..Script Frenzy: OWNED. =-.

  86. My best friend and I call that ‘roof falling in’ feeling ‘The Odge’…I don’t know why. She makes up shit like that all the time. I get ‘The Odge’ whenever things are going too well and I too wait for the other shoe to drop. But you totally shouldn’t….just realize you are finally proving to everyone that broken people aren’t really ‘broken’, we’re just put together in a wicked better way. Oh, and I still won’t trip you if we are being chased by zombies even if you become famous and a bitch….I’ll drag your ass with me. Because that’s how broken people roll. Or at least, this one does. Your book with my pre-ordered on Amazon as soon as they let me.

  87. Thank you for having superpowers that enable you to somehow know exactly when I’m on the verge of imploding so you publish your post RIGHT THEN only I don’t see it until much later because I think you’re so awesome that you control Google and my reader. And now I’m talking tech crap, for which I apologize. Anyways, I most often dislike me intensely and your posts have a way of showing up and saying the perfect things just when I need to hear them. I have the delusional psychosis. Good things can’t happen to me either; it’s just too unnatural.

    I’ll buy your book. Even if on page 300 of 350, it stops mid-sentence and is just blank from there on out because you never finished it. And I’ll tell everyone you made it that way on purpose because your story isn’t complete yet or some other warm fuzzy thing like that.

    Seriously, thank you.
    .-= Call Me Cate´s last blog ..Regret =-.

  88. Semi colons were designed to mess with people. No one uses them correctly. Even the grammar Nazi’s who bitch slap if you have a second of brain fail and write ‘their’ instead of ‘there’, don’t know how to use the semi colon. It’s named after the shit pipe for a reason people. Grammar Nazi’s need to remove the pole from their arses and get a life. Live on the edge grammar Nazi, over-use a comma, end your sentence with a preposition, bite me (okay I don’t know how that last one slipped out, I may have issues with certain individual’s who say that my use of an inappropriate comma gave them a migraine and ruined their entire day, wankers).

    But I digress, I was actually going to say that I hope your book does cause the apocalypse in 2012 cause I am over all these false fricken’ apocalypses, I keep stockpiling my weapons and canned goods and then there’s no fricken’ apocalypse and all that effort is wasted and I am forced to feed my family spam for the next 5 years and use my rifles as curtain rods.

    You’ll get there on the self-love Bloggess. But to kick start it, chug a bottle of tequila and drunk dial yourself. Everyone needs voice mail saying “I loves you, you’re the best, you’re soooo beautiful……”
    .-= Rusty Hoe´s last blog ..Fabulous Friday: Boobquake (Shake Your Groove Thing) =-.

  89. Well, at least if your book does trigger the apocalypse, I’ll know who to blame. Which is always handy.

    Congrats! (about the book – not the apocalypse, which frankly, is going to be damned inconvenient).

  90. I am so goddammed proud of you, it’s making me sick to my stomach. YAY for you!!!! Seriously, I’m very very happy for you. You of all people deserve it. And I totally understand the not accepting myself but telling everyone else they need to love themselves part. It’s like you were looking in a mirror and seeing me when you said that. Or something very similar.
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Travelling is a dangerous thing to do, so I did it for you. You’re welcome. =-.

  91. You? Are awesome. Congratulations!!!

    Also, the waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under your feet, leaving you feeling stupid and looking like an idiot, oh man I know that one well.
    .-= Veronica´s last blog ..Rocking and Twitching =-.

  92. Congratulations! Yay!
    (and my dogs TOTALLY know how to poop in the house – perhaps this makes them some kind of canine geniuses?_

  93. Even if your book does trigger the apocalypse, I bet it will still be totally worth it. I was going to try and work a semi-colon into that sentence somewhere, but I’m also not entirely certain how to use one. And I’m an English teacher!
    .-= Erin´s last blog ..Hair Raising =-.

  94. 1) YAY BOOK!!

    2) Don’t worry about punctuation. That’s what editors are for and they get fucking paid to know it.

    3) If you fail to find your ‘Fuck You’ list before you go on Ellen, you can borrow mine.

    4) Seriously, YAY BOOK!!

  95. Congratulations! I don’t have anything particularly witty or funny to say, just happy to hear that you’ve achieved what sounds like a long-standing dream and can thumb your nose at the nay-sayers. I’m looking forward to reading it as soon as it’s available.

  96. Maybe you are having a nervous breakdown, but at least it’s the good kind. I’d run with it.

    And not to just jump on the bandwagon here, but I totally love you and would buy a copy of your book for everyone I know…if I didn’t live in Utah. And obviously good Mormons don’t read that kind of shit. Except for me. I’m an awesome Mormon. Who just typed shit. Damnit, I’m totally going to hell. I blame it on you.
    .-= Jenny´s last blog ..My Kid is a Little Creepy =-.

  97. I am pretty sure a book wont cause the Apocalypse, unless it’s a book on how to cause an apocalypse, then that would really suck. Congrats. You deserve to be an over night sensation.

  98. I hope Shatner is writing your….”what ever they call that beginning few pages where somebody else writes about the book/author”
    Wow, you have such classy, knowledgeable followers.
    And he has my permission to use that as his title.

    .-= Paula´s last blog ..Oldy but a….gourmet goody? =-.

  99. Look, I don’t know if you get tired of hearing it all the time, cause everyone is saying it, and some times I feel like a freaking groupie when I read your work cause I literally feel this way at the end of your every post, but I love you, totally. I read your stuff and it really feels like I recognize you. You are familiar to me because you are pretty much speaking from a part of me; (notice the semi-colon) a part of me that I am not brave enough to express. I am so glad that you can be brave enough for the both of us (or all of us) to give stiffled people like me a voice. THANK YOU SO MUCH! All that being said, do you think that you could pretty please be done with your book a little sooner than 2012… Like maybe tomorrow? Cause I want to read it so bad that it hurts.

  100. If I could get away with buying you this poster without having to explain it to my wife (Her: What’s this on your credit card dear? Me: Oh, that. That’s a gift to a woman I’ve never met who writes a blog. She’s AWESOME! But she doesn’t know how to use a semi-colon.) YOUR WELCOME.

    BTW – Once you learn to use a semi-colon properly, you are required to do it perfect everytime. Because if you are going to do something ‘half assed’ you want to do it right. .

  101. Congratulations, Jenny. Say, do you happen to have coattails? Could I ride on them? Not because I want to be famous like you, I just think riding on coattails sounds like fun. You should probably have the coattails reinforced with leather or kevlar or duct tape so it doesn’t tear. I weigh a lot. Well, not as much that guy who had to have a wall removed from his motor home so he could be forklifted to KFC for lunch. But more than a monkey. Or maybe you could just stitch some roller skates onto the coattails. Roller skates would make the book tour so much safer for the both of us because it would create less drag when you’re running from rabid fans. And zombies. And rabid zombie fans. Plus, roller sakes would make it easier for me to pull the wagon. The one loaded with copies of your books and a cooler full of vodka. Wait, they ship the books to the bookstores, don’t they. So just the vodka then.

    About the skates: I wear size 12.

    .-= Stephen´s last blog ..Spin =-.

  102. Well, at least we’ll all have something interesting to read while the world is coming to an end. Either that, or we should all raise our copies to the skies at the same time to deflect the apocalypse. Or both.
    .-= Lisa´s last blog ..Endings and Beginnings =-.

  103. You know, sometimes i have the same thoughts. Like when something completely awesome happens to me, i think okay something worse is going to happen to offset this awesomeness. Which is why i want to win the lotto, but im afraid to play because what if i win, and then something happens to me when i try to collect my cash, like what if i die or something? Then it would be like well fuck….i won the lotto but now im dead…

    And i really dont want to be dead….so i dont play the lotto….


    Anyway, i am really happy for you and one day 10 years from now i hope to be a overnight success also… Then we can be successes together…successing it up and drinking Cristal.

    <3 u. You totally deserve it! 🙂
    .-= Crystal´s last blog ..HOW effin RAD is this!!!??? =-.

  104. Hmmm….the “person” on either side of me is a dog. No really. I have three dogs and one husband. Chances are I will have at least one dog beside me or trying to eat my food at any given time. I wonder if any of them has figured out how to type and are writing a book on the take over of this house and how they lick everything or rub their butts on it when I am not looking. And oh yeah – WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO I cannot WAIT to read your book!
    .-= MidLifeMama´s last blog ..I’ve Got the World on a String… =-.

  105. CONGRATULATIONS. What wonderful news! I can’t wait to buy a copy and forge your signature on it! I’m going to write “To my best friend Swistle: I couldn’t have written it without you.” Then I’m going to leave the book open “accidentally” to that page around my house, and I’ll take it with me to other people’s houses and leave it open there, too.
    .-= Swistle´s last blog ..PSA: How to Get the Cat Pee Smell Out of Laundry =-.

  106. So, while I usually entertain myself by reading all the comments before putting in my 2 cents, this time I couldn’t wait to have my say – I promise I’ll go back and read 🙂

    So, it’s clear you can tell your publisher you’ve already sold at least a couple hundred copies! Plus? I’m good with semi-colons and other arcane editing stuff; I hearby offer my services at any time (yeah, I know the publisher has folks to do that, but I hoped some grovelling would get me a chance to actually meet you 😉 )
    .-= Gurukarm (@karma_musings)´s last blog ..Getcher Drop Caps Here – Fresh Daily! =-.

  107. Ok…I NEVER post on here…but I must say, you put words to my feelings! Keep on keeping it real and thank you!

  108. OMG! I soooo want to read your book….like *right now*! Hurry up! I don’t want to have to wait for the world to end!

  109. Ten years? Bout fucking time! Slacker! Oh, wait, were you waiting for the one favorite relative you’ve got a shitload of stories about to die so you wouldn’t make her drop her dentures in her bra when she reads about the time that she got liquored up on NyQuil and told you in detail about her three-way with JFK and Marilyn Monroe ?… or is that just my family?

  110. Hey that’s awesome. Congratulations! Please tell me the book will include post-its stuck to your cat. I’m not over that yet.

    Oh, and I’m sooo camping out at your first of many North Dakota book-signings 🙂
    .-= katie´s last blog ..His and hers decorating: seeing green =-.

  111. Dibs on the first spot in the entourage! It’ll be like a big slumberparty with dead animals.

    also: WOLVERINES!

  112. OMG it’s like you’re here underneath my desk talking to my dog! He totally wants to write a book but the thumbs thing really has him down.

    Don’t worry about semi colon use – that’s what editors are for. But I believe it goes like this you use a semi colon to make a winky smilie 😉 and a colon if you want to make a smilie with laser beam smiling eyes 🙂
    .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..Mom’s Mexican Vintage Tablecloth =-.

  113. You’re amazing and I know your book is going to be great. Put me down as a pre-order.
    .-= Stimey´s last blog ..Bun =-.

  114. My dogs only judge me when I am reading your blog. They love you, however they hate when I pay you more attention…which is all the time, like right now when they ARE pooping in the house because I am too busy here.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Why I have the Ultimate Shiv =-.

  115. Jenny, you are so deserving of this! Congrats! I will come see you when your book tour comes to my local Barnes & Noble’s women’s bathroom.
    .-= -R-´s last blog ..Rain, Rain, Go Away =-.

  116. Well, I am glad I found you before you destroyed the world, even if you do so unintentionally. We all make mistakes, eh?

    You should learn to use semi-colons properly; it makes you feel smart even if the sentence you are writing isn’t worth the time it takes for the reader to read it. And as you point out, they look kind of cool, and I think they are a lot easier to use properly than a colon is. Especially a spastic colon. They are really hard to control.

  117. Well, here’s the deal about great books, generally: their own authors believe them to be of dubious quality and most of the world will agree until about 50 years after publication**. It turns out that these books capture something real, honest, and important about humans in general and the time of writing, specifically. Since you are as real, honest, and important as it gets you at least have a Dickensian’s shot in hell, erm, 18th century London {probably same thing} of writing THE BIG ONE. Congratulations on the publishing deal and good luck, dear Bloggess. By the looks of things you’ve sold at least 200 copies already and god knows probably forty times that many via twitter. 🙂

    **NOTE: I don’t know what to say about the passage of time as related to books that cause the apocalypse. My guess is these books are important, but I would be too dead to make a good comment on that point.

  118. jenny, i think i love you. no, wait, i know i do. oh, god, that sounds way creepy and stalker-like. oh fucking well. you rock. and youre an inspiration, even to those of us who are not writing books.

    also, just to let you know, i almost looked under the chair to see who was hiding there (it wasnt the dog, i dont have one, a real one, that is…) and, then i realized, wait a sec, on not sitting on a chair. im not even sitting, im in bed. goddam, im lazy…

    anywho, my point is, you are awesome and deserve all the happiness and rainbows and unicorns and taxidermied pets in the world. and im so buying you book. 🙂

  119. First time commenter…

    I want to buy your book right now. That’s basically all. Hence why I don’t comment often. But I totally would buy it now in a store even though I’m in my pjs!

  120. I’m as happy as one total stranger who knows an incomprehensible amount of stuff about your personal life can possibly be!!! And i mean that in the most totally non-creepy way possible. You SO deserve this! It’s sad that the the time you get to spend at the pinnacle of your fame will be brief what with the whole triggering of the end of times & all, but it’ll be totally worth it (I’m definitely pre-ordering my book so I have that many precious extra minutes to read it before the shit hits the fan). Mwah!
    .-= Snarkier Than You´s last blog ..Bel Ami Still = My Happy Place du Jour =-.

  121. Congratulations, Jenny!

    The news about your to-be-published-an-eternity-from-now book/love letter to your fucked up family is fantastic!

    It must be quite a relief to be able to quit thinking about having to write, having to finish such a love letter. I can’t even “start” the 5 emails that I have sitting in my in-box waiting for, potentially, brief responses, much less “finish” them. An entire book, or love letter, actually completed and sold seems like quite an accomplishment to me. That said, don’t the publishers realize that they are dealing here with a crowd with the attention span of a gnat?

    Now that you’ve told us that we have to wait to years to read the love letter at a discount from it’s going to be very difficult to keep the news at the forefront of our collective consciousness. Might I suggest that you install one of those “countdown” widgets here on your world famous blog so that I, at least, can be reminded of the coming of the Rapture––much better, I might add, than the Apocalypse or Armageddon.

    I don’t watch Ellen, or anyone else, on TV, so will you please post the YouTubes of your book tour when the time comes? You are going to need a lot of Valium. But, since you will be famous, sycophants and doctors will be lining up to service your needs… Kind of like they do now…
    .-= The Pliers´s last blog .."It’s Starting," =-.

  122. I am SO proud of you, Jenny the Bloggess! And plan to buy multiple copies of your books, improperly used semicolons and all, and distribute them to friends and neighbors and keep a copy in every room in the house.

    Your talent deserves to shine through a published book. CONGRATULATIONS!!!

  123. A whole book written by the Bloggess? Fantastic…can we start the countdown now? I’m all for midnight book parties ala Twilight…only without the sparkly vampires and squeeing preteens and full of crazy, broken people to terrified to actually talk to each other. Hey wait…we could hold the midnight book parties in the bathroom, as a tribute to our fearless leader the bloggess…
    .-= Laura´s last blog ..Really, Universe? =-.

  124. your book is probably going to trigger a zombie apocalypse, but WAIT, this is ALL. GOOD. thanks for giving us two years notice so i can sharpen my zombie smashing skills. i don’t know a single other author who would be so considerate. stephen king? NO WAY. he totally would NOT give 2 years advance notice of a zombie apocalypse because he’d rather be in your mind WHILE you’re fighting zombies. writing down your thoughts, just exactly the way you would think them. so thanks but no thanks, stephen king.
    .-= Stone Fox´s last blog ..Grateful (but not Dead) (almost, though.) =-.

  125. I can’t wait to read your book. You have to know that you are very funny and should most definitely apply the logic about everyone else to yourself. You alone are responsible for numerous hysterical laughing outbursts in the payroll office in which I work. And I’m pretty sure that is your number one goal (to cause outbursts in my office, specifically). So consider yourself a success already. The book will be icing on the cake. But really, believe in yourself! Go Bolggess!!
    .-= Rachel´s last blog ..If this list doesn’t say SUCCESS, I don’t know what does! =-.

  126. Congrrrrats!!!! You are freaking cool and you should know that! No, EMBRACE that!!!! Looking forward to your book and gal, love yourself MORE! Seriously!!!! 🙂

  127. Congratulations. You so earned this. Your writing is a breath of fresh air. Can’t wait to read your book. I hope you’ll be including some of your amazing photography as well.

  128. That is AWESOMELY DELICIOUS! I am already looking forward to reading it!

  129. I am so so so excited for you.

    I completely understand the overwhelming feeling of anticipation of doom. Because nothing in your life should work out well right?

    Well, here’s a kick in the pants to that theory.

    .-= Rudy´s last blog ..For Bobby =-.

  130. Yay! Fuck yeah Jenny Book! The Book of Jenny? I don’t know, but I’m buying three of it.

    I love you, you rock, and I’m only a little bit drunk right now.

  131. JENNY!!!!! I am so happy for you! You are TOTALLY WORTHY and deserve all the success this book will surely bring. If your book comes out in time for BlogHer 2012 and we haven’t had the zombie apocolypse yet, I’m totally bringing my copy for you to sign, okay?

    YAY YOU!!!!!
    .-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..Coffee with old friends =-.

  132. Congratulations, sweetie. Take a night off from the self-doubt to celebrate!
    Then get back to work. We want to read this book.
    But first: yaaayyy!!! wooohoooo! Selling a book is a big freaking deal!

  133. So proud of you. So fucking proud. And so honored to be able to say I’ve spent time in the bathroom with you.
    .-= califmom´s last blog ..Snippets In Time =-.

  134. Congratulations! I am so proud of you! You totally deserve this — the book contract, everything going well, all of it! Also, you are going to do a great job. And just to be sure everything really flows, I suggest that you read “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield. You’ll be amazed how helpful it will be.
    .-= Cynthia Yockey, A Conservative Lesbian´s last blog ..Everyone is beautiful, including Gabourey Sidibe =-.

  135. That is really exciting about the book, I am a total bookworm and look forward to reading what I’m sure will be a really amazing book. No pressure though, only an entire fan base all anxiously waiting for it to be released. I would also like to say, as someone who is shocked when good things happen to her, that this kicks so much ass. I’m not sure if I can say ass in your comments, but I’ve done it twice now so screw it. Best of luck finishing your book, please make it more useful than that faulty bedside table that doubles as a weapon against zombies. It’s like they want all gracefully challenged people to die.

  136. AMAZING! Congratulations! They better friggin’ bring the book to Singapore. Borders, are you hearing this?

  137. Congratulations! I’m so pleased for you 🙂

    Well… 99% pleased for you, 1% raging with jealousy. But that’s only because my novel seems to be perpetually getting longer and more complicated and reaching 1st draft stage seems to get further and further away each time I look at it and week before last I was ready to set fire to it.

    Sorry. Self-involved. I was supposed to be congratulating you…

    Many congratulations again – I will most definitely be buying it.

    Ps – come on a book tour to England!
    .-= Jo and the Novelist´s last blog ..Panic on the streets of London… =-.

  138. You should be proud of your ability, through words, to make people laugh and cry, or even just smile when smiles are in short supply. You have a gift that you share with us, and we love you. You should love yourself, too.

  139. I loved that post. (People to the left of me; people to the RIGHT of me.)

    And I am clapping for you RIGHT now.

  140. I will buy your book! No kidding! And I’m so cheap I buy books and read them really carefully and return them! But I’ll buy yours and keep it because I love you!

  141. I am slightly okay about your book triggering the apocalypse AS LONG AS I GET TO READ IT FIRST. If Australia starts falling into the sea when I’m halfway through the third chapter and just starting to get really into the book, then I’ll be pretty pissed.

  142. 210 comments and you doubt your awesomeness. Someone please bitch slap this woman! :0)

  143. Congrats, that is so exciting! The apocalypse, well, we’ll see about that. Let’s hope your book is the trigger, because then we could have a chance to read it before the world explodes. Or will it implode? Anyway..

    I’m not writing a book. But I really admire people who have the patience to do write a book. What an achievement!
    .-= Karin (the Mrs.)´s last blog ..Forget-Me-Not =-.

  144. That is AWESOME about your book. You crack me up. Can’t wait to read it.
    As for Dickens, well…screw Dickens. I don’t mean that literally, of course. I mean to hell with him and semi colons.

    .-= Laurel´s last blog ..Eyes Wide Shut =-.

  145. Yay! We get a whole book of awesomeness! I can’t wait.

  146. I’m not so great with the commenting, but I’ve been following your blog for a couple of months now, and I love you! I’m so, so excited about your book 🙂


    Also? There are people that get paid to worry about semi-colons. You’re the talent here, you get to ignore that stuff.

  147. Oh! That’s awesome news (not about the semi-colon, about the book, and the treating yourself with more love)!!
    Congratulations. I will take on the job of using semi-colons; you can continue working on keeping Victor in line.
    .-= Leslie´s last blog ..Weekend update, now with heat exhaustion! =-.

  148. Congratulations! I’ve only been reading your blog for a short time; your writing is funny, insightful, inspiring and great – a book is the logical progression! (Did you like how I used a semicolon in a sentence? I think it was properly. I’ll have to check.) I am writing a book too, if you consider hacking away through a totally disjointed plot-less mire “writing a book” – and only when I’m not yelling at my children or cleaning up dog vomit. The dog might even be vomiting to STOP my book. You’re right. He’s an asshole. The cat on the other hand is probably just waiting for his turn on the computer. Can’t wait until you’re published! Congrats again. 🙂

  149. OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD. ; Oh well. Fuck it.
    Congratulations times FUCKING ELEBENTY!!!! That’s right – elebenty. Because you’re that fucking awesome.
    I will die if I don’t have/read/caress your book. Seriously. I’ll be all *poof*, dead. Just like that. So feel good about yourself – you TOTALLY deserve it!
    Oh, and by the way, I use the word “totally” all the time because of you. Thank you for that.
    .-= Cami´s last blog ..Project 365 =-.

  150. You are so many people’s inspiration!! You’re awesome, and a BIG OL’ MAZAL TOV to ya!!! Also, if anyone could train a dog to poop inside and not judge, I think it would be you.
    .-= HannahBanana´s last blog ..77 cents =-.

  151. I wanted to say something like “I’m so proud of you”, but then I realized that it not only sounded like I was somehow responsible for your success, it sounded like I was your mom. And that’s just wrong. At least in a chronological sense. Maybe I should spin around really super fast so can go back and time and somehow be old enough to actually say something like “I’m so proud of you” without it being weird. But that’s just creepy.
    .-= Ellie Di´s last blog ..Inspiration Station: Stop 008 =-.

  152. Awww, congrats, Jenny!!

    Why would you want to be the next Charles Dickens?? So you could have “DICK” in your name?? Girl, you bring joy and laughter to everyone, and treat us like your kin. Thank you for that, Jenny!!

  153. I bet your book will be awesome. I have gone through your entire archive and I think you are funny and heartwarming and honest and real and inspiring and…insert more great adjectives here.

    Don’t worry about the punctuation, they’ll hire someone to take care of that shit for you! Like me…tell them to hire me ” ) Now I’m really excited that there are going to be pictures too!

  154. Congratulations! I can’t wait to read it! I have a dysfuncitonal family too, but then again, doesn’t everyone? I know how you feel about waiting for the roof to cave in. I too get nervous when things go right for a while and can’t stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ll be eagerly awaiting your book. You are hilarious and a great writer!
    .-= Linda S.´s last blog ..A late night encounter with Miss Havisham =-.

  155. Your mind is amazing and wonderful, and so will your book be. Also, Victor is just jealous because his retrospective on the trials of living with a true artist hasn’t sold yet. IGNORE THE HATERS, Jenny. Even if they’re your husband. Or you.
    .-= ajnabi´s last blog ..Khanna-o-Rama: Khanna In Love =-.

  156. this is just flat-out jizzerific news.

    i’m going to turn on my special sprinkler on tonight for you.

    i like how that sounded creepy.
    .-= furiousball´s last blog ..a busy weekend =-.


    P.S. When you’re all famous and shit, do you think you could help me get MY book published? 😉
    P.P.S. THAT’S how you use a semi-colon. But isn’t the name ‘semi-colon’ just bad and wrong? Isn’t semi a euphemism for a boner? Or, there’s also the fact that a colon is a body part involved in pooping. An if it’s the size of a semi, well then, that’s just sad. I’m so sorry that having a semi-colon will probably end a life. How unfortunate. It’s why I never use them if I can avoid it. Seems like inviting my own personal digestive apocalypse.
    .-= Andrea (@shutterbitch)´s last blog ..Adventures in Kitchen Disasters =-.

  158. Congratulations on the book! Can’t wait to read it! Take some time to enjoy your success, and don’t sweat the semi colon.

  159. Jenny,

    I’m so happy for you!

    After years of people telling me I should write, make use of my talents, blah, blah, blah, you have inspired me to actually put pen to paper (fingers to keyboard? Doesn’t sounds as good) and express myself. I might never write a book, but at least now I can sick up all the gunk cluttering my thoughts. And maybe most importantly, I can embrace my weird sense of humor (that no one else seems to get except you guys) instead of hiding it and pretending I am like everyone else. Instead of feeling alone, I have discovered that there is an army of you out there! So glad I found you…

    So, thanks for sharing your hilarious thoughts in the blog and upcoming book. You rock!

  160. Congratulations!!!

    I can’t figure out the semi-colon either. Is that even spelled right? Crap! I am super excited to read your book. I think reading your book as the world ends is…..well……probably perfect in a weird fucked up way. Good job!
    .-= Kellie´s last blog ..Fish Saga Continues…. =-.

  161. I will reserve it early, read it, pay full price for several copies to be used as gifts for only my coolest friends (and definitely not my mom) and say “I knew her when!” when I’m standing in line to have you sign it at your Orpheum performance reading.
    And don’t sweat the semicolons. My husband is a copyeditor, and the best books have the worst writing ever, but tell the best stories. Your publisher will hire some person with a green pencil to take care of all of that.
    I am so proud of you. And not at all surprised.

  162. Great, so my witty & sarcastic posts on FB have all ended with a man with half a handlebar mustache passed out at a frat house instead of a winking happy face? Fuck, no wonder nobody ever comments, I am confusing the hell out of them. Good to know, good to know.

  163. Oh, and I am so fucking excited about your book, I forgot to mention it!!! Woo hoo!!

  164. Great. Now I can finally get off of two–the number of books that I’ve ever completed in my life after “Call of the Wild” and “The Hobbit”. Hello “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened”, you’ve made it!

    Tell Victor that I am sorry that his sword book didn’t get read.

  165. I can’t wait to see your interview on Ellen… I hear that Ellen has really great bathrooms.

  166. Long time lurker, first time commenter here. You are amazeballs Jenny. Congratulations on getting a book deal. If your book does indeed cause the apocolypse, then bring it on bitch!

  167. Awesome news about the book. I actually ran out and stood outside the bookstore for an hour and a half before I realized that it’s not out yet. I haven’t written a book, although I should since my parents have given me enough material to write one. Perhaps a trilogy….
    .-= Simply Mags ´s last blog ..DONE! =-.

  168. I just have to say…you may want to wait on that 2012 bit…because really, where are the mayans now? I’m pretty sure they made everything up because something entirely awesome is going to happen and they wanted everyone and their brother hiding out waiting for the sky to fall. Seriously. I bet they were behind Y2K, too. And Nostradamus was totally Mayan. Or Incan. I wonder if he ever owned a llama. Whats the major difference between a llama and an alpaca, anyhow? Yeah. Long story short, I had waffles for breakfast. Waffles + your blog = <3. Today is already made of awesome and win.

  169. Congrats Jenny! You will be the next David Sedaris, if he knew how to fight zombies and night squirrels. Just don’t run off to Paris like he did and leave us alone for the apocalypse.
    Also, I will be buying many muchos copies of your book to read to tiny children, since it has pictures. YAY!
    Can’t wait!!!
    .-= Tonya´s last blog ..Misc Mutterings at Midnight =-.

  170. Hooray! Congratulations! 🙂 You better effing publish it, because I will read it and love it.

    And please include a chapter about night squirrels.
    .-= Daisy´s last blog ..Hasta la Vista, BEDA! =-.

  171. I say really go big for the book tour. Like drive around the country in a school bus with Barnaby Jones on the side. Dressed like a clown. Handing out acid.
    .-= Zak´s last blog ..Peanut Butter Freestyle =-.

  172. I don’t even care if there is an apocalypse, as long as I get a chance to read the book first. So can you tell them to make it come out on January 1? What day in 2012 is the bad day that we have to worry about?

    .-= mayberry´s last blog ..My first vlog and it’s about flies =-.

  173. Goodness, you’re funny. I will buy a copy of your book in a heartbeat. Congratulations!

  174. If this one’s ( ; ) the semi-colon, does that make this one ( : ) the colon?
    If so, my colon is both smiling and raising it’s eyebrows right now.

  175. I’ll read your book. Even if you don’t use semi-colons correctly. In fact, write two books. I’ll read them both.

  176. Jenny a.k.a. The Bloggess, you rock and all shall bow down to you. Honestly, I don’t waste my time with blogs or people who are not interesting. You are one in a million and you should treat yourself as good as you treat us (which is pretty damn special). Who else would share pictures of squirrels in drag (okay, costumes, but a cross dressing squirrel would rule).

    Congrats on the book. I look forward to more mention of it, including an order form so I will be sure to get my 10 copies. Oh, and don’t worry about the other shoe or the roof. I currently have them with me!


  177. it’s hard to read this, when your heroes feel like you do. and if i can try every day to feel worth it, god willing you can, too. because you are, jenny. and i can’t wait for the day when we can both believe it.

  178. I just realized, not a single one of all these commenters used the famous and supposed-to-be-funny “Conga-rats”!! Which would awesomely fit in with the cowboy squirrel and James Garfield, no? So, let me be the first to say CONGA-RATS to you, Jenny!! If we all go on Amazon now and tell them we want to pre-order the book today, bet we can make it hit #1 in their ratings before it’s even published! Heh.

  179. Congratulations, Jenny! Gotta say I’m really proud of you for getting a book deal. And I’m a teensy bit jealous. I really wanted to be the one to bring about the apocalypse, but I know it’ll be you.
    .-= Twisted Bride´s last blog ..An Odd Little Tidbit =-.

  180. Ellen is my absolute favorite lesbian.

    So happy for you I could burst. I’m buying your book. And Nashville better be on the book tour woman. Nashville loves their Bloggess.
    .-= amy2boys´s last blog ..Of Apples and Raindrops =-.

  181. Look on the bright side, even if you don’t feel as happy about your book as you think you should, I’m going to buy one copy for all the voices in my head. Except Naomi. But that’s just because she can’t read in English and insists that you murdered her brother in the Korean war.

    Anyway, I’ll buy at least two and a half. The half is for Marcus, the drifter who lives in my basement.

  182. Congratulations. Somehow I think this book will do very well! It took me about the same time to write mine, although half of the time I didn’t really realize I was actually writing it. Then there’s the yawning chasm between getting signed and it coming out. Then, I hate to say, the real work begins……
    Very exciting though.

  183. You caught me, I’m totally writing a book. I come to read your writing as procrastination to avoid looking at my book. Then I read the Novel Doctor because he also helps me procrastinate and validates my “halfway through so I’m stuck and thinking it all sucks” sucky attitude. But I’ve only been at it 2 years, so ya know…plenty of midnight oil to burn. Unless you cause the zombie apocalypse with your book. But I’d forgive you because at least you gave us fair warning and all sorts of useful tips about having rifles placed all dues ex machina around our houses – like under floorboards and in the filing cabinets and on top of the medicine cabinet. Except the cat would probably be sitting on the medicine cabinet all “what up, bitch?” and just as I was about to kill the last zombie, jump on my head causing my arm to jerk to the right and I’d get the shoulder instead of the head shot I needed and that zombie would totally know I was toast and feast on my gooey brains. They might make cats Zombie Overlords or something, just because cats can get away with shit like that.

    Wow. Okay…I *might* need an editor eventually. In the meantime, hugest congratulations on your book! I love your honesty and connection to your own unique, crazed life. Don’t be afraid of your talent or unsure of it. You’re the fucking Bloggess, remember? Those 2 years are going to CRAWL by, though. Can’t they get it out like NOW? 😉
    .-= Tara´s last blog ..The most useless person in the world =-.

  184. So…how long do I have to wait until I can pre-order your book? I have been waiting for your book with bated breath since you first mentioned ever. I don’t know if I can hold out until 2012.

  185. Holy YAY, Batman! I can think of very few other things I want in life than a book written by you, in my own little grubby hands. Actually my hands aren’t grubby. They’re pristine. I would never dirty your book with grubby hands. Probably. Maybe I’ll be a hobo in 2012 and I’ll have no choice but to read it with grubby hands… but it’s the thought that counts, right?

    I forget what I was saying.

    Basically, I love you and I am way excited and you are a huge tease because two years is a long-ass time and I am not a patient person so I am going to have to pretend I never saw this otherwise I’m going to get really, really antsy. Sigh.

  186. WOW and CONGRATS!!! I can’t wait to read your book! You should be basking in your awesomeness; and for those jealous people that can stand your glow, well they my dear – can go fuck themselves… 🙂

  187. a) frikkin hilarious,
    2) book? I can’t wait! and
    c) got my shelter dug, rations and armoury cached and expecting apocalyptic shit then anyway, so no worries.

  188. Can I post pictures in the comments section? Because I want to post a picture of the empty spot I just made on my bookshelf so I have a spot for your book when it comes out. By the way, could you ask your publisher to makes sure that your book is exactly the same thickness as “The Way of All Flesh” by S. Butler? Because that’s the book I’ve removed to make room for yours. I read that book several times. There’s very little flesh, and the author isn’t even a real butler.

  189. Jenny, I love you and I’m proud of you… but what’s more important is this whole semicolon thing… you see, if you had removed the colon and excess spaces, it would have technically been proper use of a semicolon….kind of… And now you’re probably more confused about them than ever and never wanna use one again. Progress!
    .-= Rob´s last blog ..The Sociopath is Back Online (furreals) =-.

  190. The most interesting people are the ones that come with a story to tell.

    We saw hints along the way.

    I cannot wait to read your book.

    Thank you for never giving up the dream/ b/c I’m sure it’ll be fabulous!!

    HUGE congrats. HUGE.
    .-= alexandra´s last blog ..Flaming Skulls in the Sky =-.

  191. When I finished my first book I didn’t even want to open the package when my publisher sent my first copies. I was IN that package. ME. For the whole world to see. PANIC.
    After a sucessful opening and selling out the first print I got over that shit.

    I DO have opposable thumbs and I AM under your chair but that has nothing to do with the fact I’m in process on my next book.

    As one writer to another…welcome. Now let’s go drink like Bukowski.

    “There is a time to stop reading, there is a time to STOP trying to WRITE, there is a time to kick the whole bloated sensation of ART out on its whore-ass.” – Charles Bukowski

    ps – a semi colon is what an 18 wheeler poops from.
    .-= Fivehead´s last blog ..Why toenail flavored mittens help the economy! Or..A Monkey with a Leaf. =-.

  192. I thought it was your boobs that were supposed to trigger the apocalypse…No, wait. That was earthquakes. Sometimes it’s hard to keep up. It’ll be easier when I have your book to read. It’ll be something to reference when I don’t know where your going with something. Should a semi-colon be in that sentence somewhere? No? Good.
    .-= MinivanSoapbox´s last blog ..So Many Things Wrong With Me =-.

  193. You’re so right. I’ve been writing a book on and off for about a year. And my dog is very judgy because I haven’t finished it. However, he loves you because you make me laugh my ass off regularly, and that’s an exciting moment in his otherwise boring day. So, we’ll totally buy it. Just put it on Kindle for God’s sake, don’t be one of those hardcover weenies. 🙂

  194. Ok, making my 1st X on the calendar to begin the countdown. I just hope the apocalypse doesn’t happen on January 1st because if that happens we may never get to read your book and that would suck. What a waste of a calendar and ink. Oh yeah, and we’d all be dead and that would piss me off.

  195. you rock. not, you, rock, as in, you ARE a rock. i mean, you are a ROCKSTAR. or a rock….either way, congrats.

  196. You have a very humorous, yet enlightened sense of the world, which seems to especially come through in your widely varied and ample self deprecating rambling. That is to say, I can realte -totally. And yet you are still genuine and very, very readable. And oh yeah, you write ‘fuck’ allot…I like how that keeps it all real….so yeah, can’t wait for the book!

  197. I rarely comment, but I had to come out of the lurker’s closet to say that this is wonderful news and you completely deserve it. You’re a fantastic writer who routinely makes me laugh so hard I hyperventilate. I will *totally* look forward to your book.
    .-= Cobwebs´s last blog ..Gussied-Up Gloves =-.

  198. I am equal parts ecstatic for you and jealous of you and your stupid face. Well, not the face so much as your ability to become wildly successful and finally finish and then sell your book. I wish I had the ability to getthefuck out of my own head and write the book I’ve been talking about forever. (But I also have a 2 year old that I stay home with all day and that eats away at my time and will… you know… like it does.) And so I’m just keeping my 7-year-old blog and wishing that someone would magically come over and say “Hey, you know what? She’s been through a lot of shit and these essays she’s cranking out about recovery from addiction and insanity are pretty good! Let’s give her a book deal!” even though I KNOW how retarded that sounds and I KNOW I’m just going to have to grit my teeth and crank out a manuscript if I want something to happen but then it all comes back around to trying to talk myself out of my head again but the truth of the matter is that that’s what EVERYONE is battling, right? And the only people who make a difference and do something with their lives are the people who don’t listen to that? Something? I don’t…

    Anyway, I’m elated for you and inspired by you… is what I’m trying to say here. Just ignore everything else. I look forward to paying full price for your publication in 2012.

  199. DAMMIT! I messed up that last post and now I can’t delete it! Just ignore it! Read this one! Please…

    I am equal parts ecstatic for you and jealous of you and your stupid face. Well, not the face so much as your ability to become wildly successful and finally finish and then sell your book. I wish I had the ability to getthefuck out of my own head and write the book I’ve been talking about forever. (But I also have a 2 year old that I stay home with all day and that eats away at my time and will… you know… like it does.) And so I’m just keeping my 7-year-old blog and wishing that someone would magically come over and say “Hey, you know what? She’s been through a lot of shit and these essays she’s cranking out about recovery from addiction and insanity are pretty good! Let’s give her a book deal!” even though I KNOW how retarded that sounds and I KNOW I’m just going to have to grit my teeth and crank out a manuscript if I want something to happen but then it all comes back around to trying to talk myself out of my head again but the truth of the matter is that that’s what EVERYONE is battling, right? And the only people who make a difference and do something with their lives are the people who don’t listen to that? Something? I don’t…

    Anyway, I’m elated for you and inspired by you… is what I’m trying to say here. Just ignore everything else. I look forward to paying full price for your publication in 2012.
    .-= castallare´s last blog ..90’s Songs You Probably Forgot: 1st 2 lists =-.

  200. Oh shit, so that means I only have two years to go to some conference and meet you ? Because I know you will not even stoop beneath yourself to talk to us peons once you’re famous. Wow. That’s depressing. I’m depressed.

    Anyone got a bottle of wine ?

  201. I sit here, thirteen days from publishing my own first book, utterly terrified and reading this makes me smile so big. You deserve every bit of this. I will not tell you to enjoy this because that is what everyone is telling me to do and I think it is impossible to force yourself to revel in something that is so unbelievably complicated. But I will say congrats. Because this is big. Bigger than you know. I don’t know you, but I am proud of you 🙂


  202. I had always thought the Mayan apocalypse was a bunch of superstitious mumbo jumbo, but now I’m not so sure. At least we’ll have something good to read during the end of times. Unless the whole point of the Mayan apocalypse is to prevent your book from being published, in which case I can only say FUCK YOU, MAYAN APOCALYPSE!

    I honestly don’t know what to expect from the Mayan apocalypse – I never saw the movie.

  203. I am really happy to hear this! You are a really talented writer and actually deserve to have a book deal (unlike many people out there). I’m really thrilled for you.

    I need to stop saying “really” so much.

  204. I have two things to say.

    1. I am going to buy your book because I think you are going to be a little like Erma Bombeck on crack and I so miss one of those two things.

    2. Will you still remember all of us when you are famous (not that you even know who the hell I am now), but I totally went to bat for you on the whole William Shatner debacle. It would be really awesome if Wm Shatner read a part of your book on the late night show….like he does.

    .-= Cedarflame´s last blog ..You Are My Sunshine – Carly Simon =-.

  205. this next shot is for you!
    of the drink variety.
    and if it does trigger the apocalypse I bet it will be an apocalypse of awesomeness

  206. I’m really excited to read your book. You are more than awesome! But I am worried, you know, about the apocalypse… and the book… and the timing thing. What if the apocalypse hits and I haven’t finished the book yet??? I gotta finish it!!! Can you tell the published to hurry up? Or would that hurry up the apocalypse?
    …… worries me…….

  207. Jenny, if you want, I can try hating you so you don’t have to. Because I care.

  208. Please tell me that your book is not going to be released on December 21, 2012? Please? I would actually like time to read it before the machines turn against us and the surface of the Earth cracks open and swallows us all. Plus putting “The Bloggess’ new book” on my Christmas list that year just seems, I don’t know, wrong, considering we probably won’t make it to Christmas, what with the Apocalypse and all…
    .-= Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity´s last blog ..WordPress Sites Hosted On GoDaddy Hacked For Second Week In A Row =-.

  209. Also, Immabe pissed if the Mayan calendar is right and we all die in the apocalypse before I get to read your book. They probably didn;t appreciate cats on heads anyway-damn Mayans.
    .-= elz´s last blog ..Friday Favorite-Morning T =-.

  210. Officially on my “must have” list. And not that electronic Nook version crappy kind either…the REAL deal that I can put on my bookshelf. Can’t wait for 2012 now! 🙂

  211. I for one cannot wait to read your book. You are hilarious, sarcastic, and wonderful. And have brightened my day more times than I can count. I really hope 2012 comes quickly, because I will be one of the first in line at the book store.

  212. That is fabulous! I’ll totally buy your book. You can even stay at my house when you do your big book tour and come to LA to be on Ellen. Oh, don’t forget to bring little H…we can make Ellen pay for all of us to go to Disneyland. I’ll make sure you take your meds though. Did you know that there are huge rats walking around that place? Creeps me out every time.

    Really, Jenny, in all seriousness, I’m thrilled for you! You certainly deserve it!
    .-= Headless Mom´s last blog ..155 =-.

  213. I’ve never understood why beautiful people who are not fat hate themselves. Is it that all people who hate themselves want to write a book? So everyone hates themselves. Messed up logic, I know. You are funny, by the way…:)
    .-= Roberta´s last blog ..Rusty the Rugdog =-.

  214. God, I’m so behind, and in my efforts to catch up with people, I skipped over this post. Congratulations! I will absolutely, unquestioningly buy whatever you publish. I WOULD add a postscript here asking you to please not publish a stack of your grocery lists, but I bet coming from you even those would be really funny in ways I never could have imagined. You just have that way about you. So hurry up and finish before the world ends!

    That 2012 thing could make for a great ad campaign and abnormally high upfront sales.
    .-= LiteralDan´s last blog ..Future careers of my daughter’s preschool class =-.

  215. 10 years? holy hell. are you fucking kidding me? i’ll be past my sexual prime and into the cosmetic surgery denial dance. a book. that’s a win. major. in all ways that are good and holy. despite the royalty checks … it’s a validation beyond comparison.

    and of course … as always … you totally speak to my gut. and this is why i email you daily (okay i slacked for two days … sheesh. i DO have three kids)

    you’re a rock star.

  216. I just discovered your blog last week and now I am on page 44 which is both terrible and delightful. Terrible because, like, what am I doing with my life? Delightful because I started saying, “y’all.”
    Anyway, I love your blog, your voice and your writing and I cannot WAIT for your book.
    On a related note, I am very smart — or intelligent (I use big words so you can be sure of my smarty-ness) — and could teach you the proper use of a semi-colon; but you’ve got this far; so who cares really? (this may not be proper use of a semi-colon)

  217. The last movie I saw about the Mayans featured a 6 foot tall metal chicken. That’s when I connected you and the end of the world, circa 2012. We can only assume Victor will not take this well.

  218. I cannot wait to read your book — I squealed with joy and preordered it within seconds of reading that I could!

  219. I think you’re amazing. 🙂

    Your book coming out right when the Maya’s predicted the end of the world? How awesome is that!!??

    Btw, can hardly wait to buy it 🙂 … *hugs*

  220. I don’t even remember how I came across your books and blog a year or so ago, but I’m so happy that I did! You’ve truly inspired me to just put myself and my writing out there. Thank you for being willing to share your life in a real way.

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