Emails to the electric company

in I am totally overrated, mixing medications, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap

A series of emails I sent to the electric company when I was bored and slightly drunk…

Dear Electric Company:

I once heard that if you’re in the shower during an electrical storm you could get electrocuted by the lightning.  Is that true?

Hugs, Jenny

***************

Dear Electric Company:

Me again.  I kind of need to know this right away.  I’m in the shower right now and I think I should be fine because the electricity is off  because of the storm so there’s not any electricity to shock me, right?  Please confirm.

~Jenny

************

Dear Electric Company:

Okay, now I’m afraid to get out of the shower.  You know, like when you’re in a car that’s touched by a live-wire and you’re safe inside the car as long as you’re not touching metal but the minute you put your foot on the ground the electricity jumps out and kills you somehow?  I’m kind of afraid that’s going to happen and that I’m going to get electrocuted.  Now I can’t get out of the shower.  Please respond as soon as possible.

~ Jenny

************

Dear Electric Company:

Why are you not responding? This is not a prank.  I’m writing from my shower on my laptop.  It’s running on battery power though so no chance of electrocution there.  I’m not an idiot.  I really want to get out of the shower.  Please help.

~Jenny

************

Dear Electric Company:

Okay, I just looked it up on the internet and it says that you CAN get electrocuted if you’re in the shower but it doesn’t say the best way to get out if you’re already in there.  You guys suck.  Also, my laptop is sparking.  Is that normal?  Because it feels like I’m going to black out a little.

~Jenny

************

Dear Electric Company:

Hi.  Me again.  I’m just sitting here in my shower looking up all the ways electricity can murder you.  WTF, Electric Company?  THAT SHIT WILL KILL YOU.  You are like a drug dealer because now I’m addicted to electricity and it’s probably going to kill me.  Thanks a lot, Electric Company.  I’m going to jump out of the shower now and try not to touch the water or any metal before I hit the ground.  If I don’t make it, please know that I blame you.

~ Jenny

************

Dear Electric Company:

I made it.  And by “made it” I mean that I slipped on the wet floor and shattered my pelvis.  Way to go, Electric Company. None of this would have happened if you hadn’t have tried to play God and harness the power of lightning.  I think I’m blacking out again.  Please send an ambulance.

~ Jenny

************

Dear Electric company:

Did you know that you aren’t the only electric company in Houston?  Me either.  But turns out that you aren’t even my electric company.  I can only assume this is why you never called an ambulance for me.  Because people who aren’t your customers deserve shattered pelvises, I guess.  You should totally make that your new slogan.  You guys are assholes.

~ Jenny

It’s been 24 hours and so far?  No response.  This is exactly why people complain about customer service, Electric Company. It’s also why I shouldn’t be allowed to have email access when I’ve been drinking.  More of the first one though.

Comment of the day: I think maybe they tried to call the ambulance but it didn’t work. Because you know how sometimes your phone doesn’t work if the power is out? Well, that happens to me, anyway. I have one of those cordless phones. Since the electric company is a pretty high-tech outfit, they probably have that kind of phone too. If you have an old-fashion phone with a cord I think it will still work. But you’re not supposed to use those phones in a storm because that can electrocute you. Maybe you should have asked them to email the ambulance company for you. They probably would have better luck with that. Unless their laptop batteries were dead. But I’m sure they tried because in my experience the electric company is always nice, like the time I fractured my femur climbing the power pole in the alley behind our house to see what’s up with the transformer, because I heard there’s more than meets the eye with those things. When I got up to the transformer it didn’t look like anything special to me, but one of the wires broke when I fell on it so they had to send a guy to fix that and he called an ambulance for me when he saw me lying in the alley. Then the ambulance guys were like, “You shouldn’t have been trying to climb that pole. That’s why you fractured your femur, and now you’re gonna need a titanium rod to hold it together.” Thanks for adding insult to injury, ambulance company! They’re the real jerks. Also, now I’m afraid of getting electrocuted every time I walk through one of those security x-rays at the airport, because I have a titanium rod in my thigh. ~ KWYJIBO

145 thoughts on “Emails to the electric company”

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  5. I live in a third world country, with third world showers, and third world internet. Our in-shower instant hot water heaters are called “Widow-makers”. Not even kidding. Sometimes lightening arcs from the live wires to the metal window sill while I’m washing my hair. It scares me so bad I pee but it’s ok cuz I’m in the shower.

    Someone IS GOING TO DIE in my shower. It’s a crap-shoot as to who it will be.

    Also, yesterday my husband said, “Do you know how glad I am that we have shit for internet? It keeps you from communicating with people that I like.” And I was like, “You should go take looooong hot shower.”
    .-= Jamie the Very Worst Missionary´s last blog ..Maybe your grace period has expired. =-.

  6. This is awesome although now it brings back my own fears of electrocution. Afriad of my car when there is lightning. WON’T get out of it. Afraid ofplugging things in around the bathroom just in general. You know sometimes you get that little blue flicker and I can just see my impending death. Thanks for making me laugh about it!
    .-= Brittany at Mommy Words´s last blog ..Not So Silly Bands =-.

  8. Well, I always buy the Electric Company in Monopoly, so that makes me responsible for your pelvis, I guess. Also, I buy the water company. You were in the shower a long time, and now you own me $3,241.47. Cash only please.

    Thank You
    .-= Amy Phillips´s last blog ..Bucket of Awesome =-.

  9. Gah you’re always worth reading Jenny. This is hilarious.

    BTW Did you realize how HOTT the Mexican soccer team is? Me either. 🙂

  10. They probably DID call an ambulance but they arrived while you were blacked out and saw a dark house since your electricity was out and they were all, “Meh. Nobody home.” And they turned around and left. Jerks.

    Also? Don’t you know the fundamentals of twitter? When ever you are in a perilous situation, you are supposed to immediately tweet about it so the the masses can call in cops for you. HAS TILA TEQUILA TAUGHT YOU NOTHING?
    .-= followingtheroad´s last blog ..Gah. =-.

  14. Electric companies have no sense of humor, or compassion. The bastards.

    I sometimes try to share your hilarious posts with my husband, but he just looks at me funny and shakes his head. Guess I should have checked our humor compatibility before the wedding…

  18. My wife killed a guy once, but she didn’t use electricity. She totally could’ve though because she used her mind to get someone else to shoot him. I don’t see any reason she couldn’t have used her mind to get the guy to get into the shower during an electrical storm. It would be like just one more weapon in her awesome arsenal of destructive powers. I will not be calling the electric company though. They will just try to get that shit on the meter somehow.
    .-= Jonah Gibson´s last blog ..Day 213 – My Wife Kills a Guy =-.

  20. Wait. Maybe you were actually writing to that show “The Electric Company” we used to watch on PBS when we were kids, remember? And those kids are all grown up now and not as inquisitive or eager to please, or willing to help people figure out science things, like they used to be in the 1970’s, because their careers stalled after that show and they’re bitter and broken and desperately trying to get a gig doing commercials for tampons or something but their agents won’t even return their calls. And maybe they’re alcoholics or meth addicts now, to ease the pain of burning out too soon. So maybe that’s why they’re not answering. Did you double check the address?
    .-= juliejulie´s last blog ..Stuff is Overwhelming =-.

  21. True story. 50 foot lodgepole pine falls on power line in my backyard due to high winds. I report at 9:30 in AM. AT 9:30 PM, a technician calls me and wants to know “if I am sure it is on a powerline. Maybe it is a phone line, because it will usually spark and/or catch fire.” No shit. My response: If you do not think I am smart enough to know what a powerline looks like why are you calling me for a verification??? Get your ass over here and take a look see yourself. Maybe you can touch it and tell me what you think ” They did not show up until 10 to deal with it. Thanks Bloggess, you just raised my blood pressure reliving that!
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..Better Homes and Gardens better just stick to Homes and Gardens =-.

  22. You have a choice in electric companies? I’m jealous. Everywhere I’ve ever lived there’s been a monopoly. Damn greedy electric companies.
    .-= Zannah´s last blog ..I went to Duke =-.

  24. listen, the electric company doesn’t care about anyone. they’re like robots or zombie robots. they don’t even take showers. they do that thing like in starwars (or whatever) where they go into that tube-y thing and the light “cleans” them. what they don’t really understand is that light (or “electricity,” work with me here) doesn’t take the place of soap. but it’s not like you can get *off* soap without water and as i’ve previously stated robots and water don’t mix. aslo, they smell because of the no soap.
    .-= mylittlebecky´s last blog ..flashbackfriday: sons of anarchy edition (now with more twitter) =-.

  25. @Lori: So, basically, they called you on the phone after you called them on the phone so they could tell you that they suspect it might actually be your phone line that’s down. Does anyone else see a logical conundrum here?
    .-= scott´s last blog ..The Good Chairs. And Tom Waits. =-.

  26. Agreed on both parts of the post, there is an app to save you from drunk messaging/txting It has you solve 3 math problems of increasing complexity before you can hit send…lost the link but it should show up in a search.

  28. Am I weird that all through that, the only thing I could think about was the show The Electric Company? I loved that show.

  29. Your new favorite band should TOTALLY be “Goddamn Electric Bill” – ok, ok, it’s not Electric COMPANY…but it’s close. Also, it’s damning the eletricity and thus the electric COMPANY. Plus – one of their videos is really creepy.

  30. Ah the things that people think of when they have anxiety disorder. Like rocks coming through the side window of your car as a semi passes you on the highway…or staph bacteria on your vibrator. Now I can’t get out of the shower either.
    .-= melistress´s last blog ..What Else is There Really To Say? =-.

  31. Electric Companies lie. They just want your money. Don’t pay your bill and see what happens – they become your friends!

  33. I think you should have sent these to the water company. It’s their water that’s being electrified. They’re the assholes. I’m calling for a water boycott. I’ve had just about enough of there conductivity. And you think you’re addicted to electricity? Ha. Electricity is like pot. It’s a gateway convenience. It’s nice, but you can manage without it. Water is like meth or heroin. Think about it.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Why Yes, Katie, We’re Open For Business =-.

  36. @ Scott. Exactly. There is a serious logic problem at xcel (my power co). I called them about 6 times that day to see when they were coming b/c I was held hostage afraid to leave for fear my house would burn. They said they were dealing w/”emergencies” and I was all “what is a bigger emergency than a 50 foot tree on my powerline 10 feet from my house.” They were all “5,000 people are without power.” and then I am all “you losing money because all your meters aren’t running should not be more important than my chichuahua’s lack of ability to go pee in the backyard.”
    ARRRRGGGGHHH! Now I am super pissed.
    .-= Lori´s last blog ..Better Homes and Gardens better just stick to Homes and Gardens =-.

  38. I will be sure to drink one for your pelvis tonight at Happy Hour (with electricity). Is that wrong? Drinking one for the pelvis? I’m going to get some strange looks when I raise my glass and yell “HERE’S TO JENNY’S PELVIS!” My friend Jenny is going to be totally confused, and maybe a little flattered… until I tell her the truth.
    .-= Zephyr´s last blog ..Calling in Burnt =-.

  40. This is precisely why I don’t shower or bathe. My husband says I’m lazy but really I’m a genius! You never know when electricity will get you and you certainly don’t want to be around water when it tries…also why I refuse to do any dishes.
    I tried to call 911 for you but they said they can’t just go driving around Houston looking for a drunken woman with a shattered pelvis. Lazy Assholes!
    .-= Tonya´s last blog ..Russians Rock the House…and No One Got Kidnapped or Deported. =-.

  42. Please send messages to our helpdesk. We need a laugh.

    Thanks,

    Mike

    P.S.

    I did not identify our helpdesk because you are clever and could probably figure it out. Also, it really doesn’t matter where you send the messages to; all helpdesks need a laugh.
    .-= Mikeporterinmd´s last blog ..Pita and the New Flash =-.

  48. I read each one going “omg, did she actually send these? DID SHE?” And then I remembered who I was talking about and realized that of COURSE you sent them.

    Right?

    Also, I lol’d in my cubicle. Now half the people here think I’m crazy and then rest think I’m lazy. Both of which happen to be true but THEY DID’T NEED CONFIRMATION.

    Thanks for that.
    .-= Jam´s last blog ..Thanks to James Cameron, this post will get hits =-.

  54. Okay.. I don’t “?” you. I “heart” you. And I obviously don’t know how to operate a computer doohicky.

  55. Maybe the ‘lectric company didn’t reply cos all their robot staff got electromecuted while they were in the shower then they got out and shattered their pelvis’ and are waiting for an ambulance to come? Not one ambulance to help them collectively but many ambulances. Ambuli? Or maybe zombies are running the ‘lectric co.?

  58. I called my phone company to see if I could be electrocuted during a lightning storm, during a lightning storm. I was on hold through the whole storm. When it ended, I just hung up. I don’t know if they were really busy with storm related damage to telephone poles or if customer service employees were afraid to pick up the phone or they’d be killed night lightning. If the latter is the case, would it have killed them to have a message about getting off the phone because I might be electrocuted? Killing your customers while they’re listening to muzak is terrible customer service.

  61. Thanks for the reassurance. It’s good to know that the electric company in Texas is no more responsive than the school district in Alaska. “In the largest states in the Union, we’re electrocuting and ingnoring you, one child at a time!”
    .-= Pauline´s last blog ..Booty: Pretty Pirate Pictures Part II =-.

  62. Great. Now I have that 1982 song “Electric Avenue” stuck in my head. But I don’t know anymore than just “We’re gonna rock down to Electric Avenue,” so that’s playing in my head over and over.

    I think my day is officially ruined. I’m going to tell my boss I’m going home.

  63. Well that explains why, when *I* called the Electric Company to ask a question, they were all laughing their *sses off so hard they weren’t able to talk intelligently. I wonder how you can sit down after you have laughed your *ss off. I bet it’s really, really hard to do.

    ~EdT.
    .-= EdT.´s last blog ..Plugging the D*mned Hole [UPDATED] =-.

  64. Those sons of bitches. You would think they at least would have the courtesy to tell you they are the wrong Electric Company. They’re just jealous because they aren’t providing your electricity. They thought they were powerful and WHAM, other electric companies are getting to kill people that they had their eye on. And they had the audacity to take credit for the sparking laptop and shattered pelvis.

    We should have never progressed past the kite and key thing. Why mess with a good thing you know?
    .-= Beausaphine´s last blog ..Hello sailor 😉 =-.

  67. This has nothing to do with the Electric Company because I’ve had my own problems with them in the past and I’m currently under a court order that says I can’t speak about them anymore. This is about a purse with a head. Because when I saw it I immediately thought, “I bet the Bloggess has purses with heads on them” and now I’m wondering if you do or not because that is a question that ought to be answered. http://stumblingtowardsperfect.blogspot.com/2010/06/crocodiles-pearls.html
    .-= Phoenix Rising´s last blog ..Crocodiles & Pearls =-.

  68. Maybe electric company wanted you to shatter your pelvis. That way, you could lie in bed with the lights on, watch TV and make rainbow-flavored snow cones all day i.e. use more ELECTRICITY. I smell conspiracy…
    .-= katie´s last blog ..You tear, you’re toast =-.

  69. Saw you signed your first one ~hugs, and started wondering who would want to hug the electric company. I would never sign my e-mail that way because what if someone actually wanted to hug me. I don’t believe in touching people that you don’t know. Why would you hug the electric company? They don’t need hugs, they’re assholes. Not to mention the electric guys that usually show up at my house have the plumber’s crack and weigh too much to be up in a cherry-picker. Definitely don’t want them to think they’re getting hugs. Brrrrrraaaaahhhh… just gave myself the willies. Yuck.

  70. It makes me think of Ben Franklin…I bet he wouldn’t been a big old salami head about pertinent information like the Electric Company is and Dude he invented that shit!
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..Steve’s New Friends =-.

  72. Dear Jenny
    Sorry to hear about your pelvis, but you really have to stop emailing us. You’re only making the break-up harder on both of us.
    Hugs
    The Electric Company
    .-= kyknoord´s last blog ..We proudly present… =-.

  76. I pulled something like that, but it was a few shots into a Saturday night, and BP got some bitchy mail about oil-covered seagulls. S’all I’m sayin’.

  79. Haha. I read this to my husband and he said we can never get drunk together. He was all “It would be like two Lucys with no Ethel to rein in the crazy.” I don’t think he ever watched I Love Lucy though. Because Ethel didn’t reining in Lucy. She was the fucking sidekick.

  81. Can I give you the email address for my cable company’s corporate office. They have really been pissing me off lately and they could use some drunk emailing. I don’t drink so I am of no use. My soon to be x-husband baby daddy is an alcoholic but he is no fun so that won’t work. You are my only hope….

  83. Dear Electric Company,

    I’m sorry I got all het up about your transmission towers and twisted ore bat catching spider spit-like shit all over the place. Like my Grandma used to say, look on the bright side and shop here before the day goes. Anyway, I was strolling under one of your towers the other day and I was struck by how much it sounded like a massive vibrator set on low, presumably so’s no-one would hear you fucking with it? I have to admit I was kinda turned on and I understood what Grandma was talking about just at that moment but I don’t think Grandma would understand what I am taking about now. Haha. We can laugh about it now can’t we?

    Love Brad,

    P.S. I bought you a rose vending machine. Do you like the fluoros?
    .-= maekitso´s last blog ..Stealth fractal =-.

  84. Wait, you have more than one electric company where you are? We have ONE. ONE for the entire state.

    No wonder I keep feeling like they’re fleecing me.
    .-= Veronica´s last blog ..This June =-.

  85. I was in Burger King the other day and they were showing episodes of The Electric Company on their flat screen tvs. But it wasn’t like The Electric Company that I knew, this was full of rap, and crunk dancing, and did I mention rap? Anyway…. I think what they should be doing is airing Electric Company PSAs on their fast food flat screens answering questions like yours. Think of how many electricity related deaths will be avoided while our arteries slowly fill with the oozing fat of self loathing and tasty animal carcass?

    Anyway, if you get a chance, ask them what the probability of death is for me right now as I soak in the bath and type on my laptop, which IS plugged in by the way, AND each a triple Whopper with bacon and cheese. I want to know which one will kill me first.

  86. Also….

    I was skimming the comments and found that a lovely person named Simone posted this:

    Dear Electric Company,

    Please bring back Morgan Freeman.

    Hearts,
    Simone

    But I’d like to change that just a little:

    Dear Electric Company,

    Please bring back Morgan Freeman’s hand from the dead.

    Hearts,
    Simone and Kim

    Thank you.

  87. That exact thing happened to me but instead of electric companies it was local plumbers and instead of lightning it was giant crocodiles. Which NOBODY seems to want to talk about but when you live in Australia where 80% of the wildlife is designed to kill you I think regardless of the thinly veiled innuendos in my emails these plumbers OWE me some kind of assurance, don’t you reckon?
    .-= AlleyCat´s last blog ..Topics of Conversation =-.

  88. Seeing your unbridled love for the electric company, I assume that you got a real chuckle from the first Fun with Dick and Jane movie with George Segal and Jane Fonda where they rob the electric company. Everyone I know loves that part.

  89. Drunk emailing is the new drunk dialing. I love it! Screw the electric company, and in my case the water company. They keep on tearing up our street so you can’t drive up the street. And when they “cover” the work up with asphalt there’s no way you can speed down the street with out dinging the hell out of the car with the rocks that are strewn all over the street. Thanks alot water company, maybe I’ll stop taking showers. Yeah, take that.
    .-= Michelle Zive´s last blog ..The Replacements =-.

  90. Jenny-
    Utility companies TOTALLY SUCK. Your experience reminds me of the time I called the gas company and generously offered/begged them to come harvest all of my husband’s “GAS” for 24 hours because he’d just eaten 4 bean burritos and I was afraid he was going to kill my 3 yo son. And they were all, “We’re not THAT kind of GAS company.”
    SERIOUSLY? I was going to give them all that gas for FUCKING FREE and they couldn’t be bothered to take it? No WONDER gas prices are rising if they won’t take the free stuff that people WANT to give them.
    Love,
    Kit
    PS My son seems fine but I think he has PTSD because every time he hears a fart now he LAUGHS hysterically. Of course so does my husband so it could be genetic. BOYS.
    .-= Kit´s last blog ..Howard’s End =-.

  91. Electric companies are pretty cagey bastards. It’s true, they play with the power of the God’s. Eventually Thor and Zeus will want their thunder and lightening back. Or did I just get my God’s messed up? This is what happens when you grow up in a cult. You get all the Theological metaphors wrong.
    .-= Rudy´s last blog ..dogs and guns =-.

  92. BTW- When my 75 yr.old mom called HL&P about ten years ago to inquire about her July bill, she got a really snarky bitch on the other end who said “Honey, you’d just better learn to sweat!”
    I really wish I’d known who told her that. Sadly, she was so stunned she didn’t get their name. I would’ve just loved to have followed up with HL&P about their stellar customer service to a little old widow.
    .-= Bodaciousboomer´s last blog ..The only time I’ve ever enjoyed any kind of fruitcake- this woman was a hoot! =-.

  93. Dear Ms. Jenny,

    Your emails from last week have only just been sent to my attention. I am sorry to be so late in responding to your request for information, but the power has been out here for several days. To find the answers to your questions concerning taking a shower during an electrical storm, please click on the link below, and download the pamphlet entitled “Shocking Facts About The Power Of Electricity.”
    Have a great day!
    Best regards,
    I.P. Frealy
    Customer Relations
    Friendly Electic Company
    hopity://hahayousucker.com
    .-= rogueartistsspeak´s last blog ..THE ROAD HOME, Chapter 4 =-.

  94. This is seriously the funniest thing I’ve read in a long while. Also, why aren’t there Breathalyzer disablers for computers? Like the ones they put on cars if you’ve had a bunch of DUIs? (Not that I have ever had a DUI…I like to drink at home where I can get stupid and retain some dignity. Until I read a funny blog post and start commenting under the influence.) I think I’m going to email Bill Gates now.
    .-= jennielynn´s last blog ..Schoooooools Out For Summer! =-.

  95. I think maybe they tried to call the ambulance but it didn’t work. Because you know how sometimes your phone doesn’t work if the power is out? Well, that happens to me, anyway. I have one of those cordless phones. Since the electric company is a pretty high-tech outfit, they probably have that kind of phone too. If you have an old-fashion phone with a cord I think it will still work. But you’re not supposed to use those phones in a storm because that can electrocute you. Maybe you should have asked them to email the ambulance company for you. They probably would have better luck with that. Unless their laptop batteries were dead. But I’m sure they tried because in my experience the electric company is always nice, like the time I fractured my femur climbing the power pole in the alley behind our house to see what’s up with the transformer, because I heard there’s more than meets the eye with those things. When I got up to the transformer it didn’t look like anything special to me, but one of the wires broke when I fell on it so they had to send a guy to fix that and he called an ambulance for me when he saw me lying in the alley. Then the ambulance guys were like, “You shouldn’t have been trying to climb that pole. That’s why you fractured your femur, and now you’re gonna need a titanium rod to hold it together.” Thanks for adding insult to injury, ambulance company! They’re the real jerks. Also, now I’m afraid of getting electrocuted every time I walk through one of those security x-rays at the airport, because I have a titanium rod in my thigh.

  96. I have been so naive about electricity. I’ve been constantly reassuring myself all these years that electricity is safely behind plug sockets, not lurking around every corner ready to lash it’s 10,000 volt tongue at you. Dammit. Ignorance is bliss. Now I’m going to have to invest in some rubber clothes to ensure my personal safety around the house.
    .-= Jo and the Novelist´s last blog ..I have no future in advertising. =-.

  99. Was it like TXU or something like that? I forget. My exboyfriend got mad though when I answered the door and that guy did his spiel. Huge fight. But whatev.

  100. Oh man, dissing The Electric Company? Morgan Freeman is going to come to your house and go all Easy Reader on your ass. And he’s going to bring Spider-Man. AND his Amazing Friends.

  101. This is a PSA. Everybody, please be aware that when your contract period is up with your provider and you have not re-upped, that they can fuck you blind. We were with Direct energy at like $0.12 per KWh. I got busy and didn’t pay attention and our contract expired. This happened mid summer a couple of years ago. They bumped us up to almost $0.20. They said I received a notice.
    Our bill almost doubled in a month before I realized it. It was late summer. It was ugly.
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. But more than that, be aware; and don’t let it happen to you.
    .-= Bodaciousboomer´s last blog ..The only time I’ve ever enjoyed any kind of fruitcake- this woman was a hoot! =-.

  102. Electric Companies are sanctimonious megalomaniacs. They suck bison balls. …Not mine… My electric company is made of ice-cream and poops rainbows… OTHER electric companies are like that. (my bill is due, I’m not taking any chances that they’ll electrocute me in my sleep and then shut my service off)
    .-= Aria´s last blog ..What I’m Supposed to be Doing… *UPDATED* =-.

  103. First of all, fuck you because I assumed that this was about The Electric Company, that show that was on before you were born. And now I feel old. Because before, I felt young. Embryonic, almost. And yes, I know there’s supposed to be a “second of all” but I can’t remember what it is because I am so enraged. And maybe senile.
    .-= Marinka´s last blog ..16 Year Old Feared Lost at Sea is Found Alive in Indian Ocean =-.

  104. yeah last night I drank a little and tried to start the hash tag #drunkrockband on twitter.. today I have a hangover and no pride.. ON the upside I did not shatter my pelvis… I am pretty sure that if you and I ever drank together we would be asked to leave that place, city, state, country possibly earth. That wouldn’t be bad though cause my boobs would look awesome in space.

  107. Dear Mrs. Jenn Y,

    Thank you for your recent inquiries. Our goal is a prompt resolution to your problems. We are attempting to direct your communications to the appropriate departments. This seems to have created some confusion on the part of our customer service representatives who are uncertain if they should be routing your emails to “occupational safety,” “materials handling,” “customer retention,” or forwarding them to a local substance abuse program.

    But please be assured your satisfaction is our primary goal and your should be hearing from one of your representative is 10-14 business days.

    Have a great day,
    Your Local Utility Provider
    .-= Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points´s last blog ..The Princess and the Pain =-.

  109. They’ll probably send you a notice that they are raising your rates, cause now they know you’re addicted to electricity. HA!
    .-= Jeff´s last blog ..Spare Change?? =-.

  110. this is my favourite bit:

    “You are like a drug dealer because now I’m addicted to electricity and it’s probably going to kill me. ”
    I think a lot of green companies might start loving you now
    .-= angelica´s last blog ..What’s in a name? =-.

  113. Apparently drunk e-mailing kicks the crap out of drunk texting. Now I have to try it! Thanks! At least I can blame you for my drunkeness when someone asks!

    Also? My husband totally freaks out if one of us showers or bathes in an electrical storm.
    .-= Steph´s last blog ..My Son is Different – Part 2 =-.

  115. The only Electric Company that ever did anything for me was the one with Morgan Freeman. Maybe your Electric Company needs an Easy Reader to read and respond to your emails. You might want to write to them about that. Just a suggestion.
    .-= Dingo´s last blog ..La Loco Laundry =-.

  116. The electric company did not answer right away because they are an upstanding and competent public company that works very hard in a grownup and responsible way. They are entrusted with the responsibility of providing us with a much needed resource. Also, they need a lot of time to sit around and think of ways to make our lives a living hell, so cut them some slack

  117. Maybe you should email 911. Can you even email 911? If not you should be able to. Or at least IM. Welcome to the 21st century emergency services. Anyway, I heard that 911 operators make the best husbands. Something to do with them being good listeners or something. My friend told me but I wasn’t really paying attention. Guess I wouldn’t cut it as a 911 operator. Anyway, maybe you should try and send an email to help@911.com and see what happens? Hopefully it doesn’t link through to some nasty 911 porn site or something. You never know. But at least that would keep you busy while you wait for the electricity company to respond…
    .-= Claire Gutschow´s last blog ..The greatest snoring event in the world =-.

  118. Ha ha ha. If you bought electicity off us we would have helped you.
    Suck it up broken pelvis girl.

  123. First I keep thinking of the electric company kids show.

    Second – do you have some sort of waterproof casing for your laptop for the shower? On the one hand, that is totally awesome and you should market that shit. On the other… dude, that might be TOO connected. I mean, I feel like the blackberry is electronic leash enough, but with the waterproof thing, my boss might *expect* me to be online in the shower (and wouldn’t that make for some awkward videoconferences? I’m not sure if I’m more worried about it for when I’m in the shower or other people. I need to go gouge out my eyes now.). So I think you should NOT market that! I can’t believe you’ve tried to ruin my life like this. I really used to like your blog, you know, and now this. Unfollow!

    PS – I suppose if you patented the idea, but then didn’t market it. So that it’s out there, but no one else can market it because you have a patent, that would be ok. It would be like recalling this evil from the universe and we could be friends* again.

    *By friends I mean, I could waste half my workday following your blog and commenting … thus necessitating me working in the shower… Shit, this is quite a paradox…
    .-= My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..You can’t argue with stupid. =-.

  125. I seriously haven’t been able to go to a blogging social catalog without noticing someone mention “theblogess.” When I finally found time to check it out (now,) I must say…. I’m not dissapointed. Funny stuff! I love the line, “because people who aren’t your customers deserve shattered pelvises, I guess.” Don’t know why, maybe it’s just the plural form of the word “pelvis” that cracks me up….but you got me laughing.
    .-= Rico Swafford´s last blog ..Dingleberries Who Fish Off Busy Bridges =-.

  129. For the love of god, Jenny, it’s thundering. It’s the first thunderstorm Vancouver has had in ages. We get more rain than you can throw a stick at, but thunder not so much. Anyways. It was sunny half an hour ago. Now I’ve got hair dye on and need to get into the shower to wash it out. And I can’t. Partially due to your blog for making me look up whether or not there was any truth to the shower/lightning thing, and partially due to Mythbusters for blowing up a dummy (or something – it was kinda long and I didn’t read the whole thing because it wasn’t actually an episode – it was like a transcript or some such hell) and proving it. Sonufabitch, I’m screwed. My hair is either going to be REALLY red or fall the hell out. Or electricity will kill me.
    .-= Robynn´s last blog ..Ow =-.

  132. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. The silent treatment I was giving you didn’t work, did it? I TRIED to get you to respond to my adoration by simply not commenting anymore but you DIDN’T UNDERSTAND MY PLOY. Damnit. This always happens to me. Seriously. People (heh. I typed “peopld’ 3 times in a row before I figured out why it looked wrong. I love wine.) … Shit. I forgot what I was going to say after “people”. I got to laughing so hard at my own wit (hahahaha!) that I lost track. This is what happens. Or so they say.

    I think.
    .-= tracey´s last blog ..Not too proud to use my kids to garner the popular vote. Not too proud at all… =-.

  133. This is too weird….I read this from my office AT THE ELECTRIC COMPANY and YOU are the actually the reason that I’m not responding to customer’s e-mails. So really, if you think about it, you broke your own pelvis. Good luck with that.

  135. maybe you were writing the kid’s show and not the people who send us electricity. and those people who make that kids show, i think they are stoned. so, you know, they are probably not answering their email and if they are they would just send you doritos instead of an ambulance.
    .-= Elizabeth Potts Weinstein´s last blog ..The First Day of the Rest of My Life =-.

  136. My electric company randomly shuts down power and “acts” like it’s a outage so they can let us know we are junkies and what it feels like without the fix. That way they can slam us with their outragous bills and we smile as we hand over our liver/kidneys/children, every month.

  138. Oh my god, is 133 serious? That is funny shit.
    People who don’t understand humour are my favourite people in the whole wide world.

  140. up until I read some of the comments, I thought you meant, The Electric Company – as in the PBS show for kids LMAO

  141. aaaahhh……you forgot a vital ritual for fear. while in shower, drop hot wax in a circle (oval because your in a bathtub) followed by sprinklings of salt. then place candles in strategic places so as to create a “star”. after this is set up, just begin chanting, or cursing, whatever works better for you. some people like to take a live animal and include it in the ritual……but i’ve never preferred that part….before long you will freak yourself out so badly by performing the ritual that the fear of getting out of the shower will become obsolete.

    p.s. The best thing about the above solution is that it requires absolutely no electricity.

  143. I almost died with this: “I made it. And by “made it” I mean that I slipped on the wet floor and shattered my pelvis.”

  144. U ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Instagram makes suggested reels based on old content and I assume most people have beautiful vacation photos or wedding compilations, but this is what they suggested for me.
Sitting in ihop after graduation and “who’s gonna drive you home” comes over the sound system and now I’m lightly weeping into my pancakes but I’M FINE.
Remember last week when Hailey graduated from kindergarten?
Last high school dance.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: Just read it. Trust me.

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