Random thoughts that should be burned

in conversations, I am totally overrated, If I was a dog I'd be dead by now, no one thinks this is funny but me, phoning it in, Post that people who don't twitter won't get, Random Crap

I was looking at my blog and I noticed that I have 162 posts in my draft folder.  These are all posts that I started but never finished because they didn’t feel substantial enough to be published but then I thought that maybe if I clumped 3 or 4 of them together they would be worth one post.  Or they’d be 3 or 4 times worse than most of my posts.  Either way?  This is happening.  You might want to just avoid my blog this week.

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Every time I get into a cab I always sit there for a few seconds waiting for the disco lights to start blinking on the ceiling and then they don’t and I’m all “Oh, another not-Cash Cab.  Awesome.”  I bet cabbies get tired of hearing that all day.  One day when I’m 80 I’ll probably get into the cash cab but I’ll have been so disappointed by that time that I’ll be all “You know what, cash cab?  Too late. You blew it.”   Then I’ll just walk away.  It’s too fucking late, Cash Cab.

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There’s a rumor in my family that somehow Marlene Dietrich is related to us.  My sister (the family genealogist) has been unable to prove it but I like to think it’s true.  I liked to imagine that there’s a little bit of Marlene Dietrich in me.  Dark, brooding, and shrouded in mystery.  Then I remember that I’m chronically unable to stop over-sharing and that everyone with basic internet access knows my  phobias,  my weaknesses and has seen me in various states of undress.  I’m not the dark, brooding girl shrouded in mystery and I’ll never be her.

My sister did call to tell me though that she was getting closer to confirming that our great, great aunt was murdered by our great, great uncle when he hammered a nail through her skull and buried her in the backyard.  Well, that seems about right.

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me:  It’s a good thing that Prince isn’t on twitter because there isn’t a key for the symbol of his name so no one could ever @ him.

Victor:  Huh.  Remember when we used to talk about things that weren’t about twitter?

me:  Not…really?

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Last week I went to my rheumatologist to get more meth and I was the only person in the waiting room under 90.  And I sat there thinking that these people could literally die of old age in the waiting room and that it sucks that they’re wasting the short amount of time they have left in the world in a doctor’s office and I was thinking of just letting everyone in the waiting room go ahead of me because it’s not like I had anything to do but then Victor called and I explained what I was going to do and he was all “The fuck? You have PLENTY to do.  We have no clean clothes in the house.  You sent Hailey to school in a swimsuit” and then I hung up on him because it was a swimsuit cover-up thank-you-very-much and she fucking picked it out herself. And she had clean socks.  If you’re wearing clean socks and you don’t have hooks for hands then I’ve succeeded as a mother.  Then one of the old people started coughing and it was this hacky death-rattke cough and I thought that maybe I’d cursed the old people so I ran over and got him some water and he was fine but then an old lady asked for some water too which was weird but I got it and when I gave it to her she asked if the wait  would be much longer and I was all “Oh, I don’t work here” and then another one asked me if she was in the right waiting room and I was all “I DON’T WORK HERE, OLD PEOPLE” but they didn’t seem to get it even though I was wearing jeans and a ripped Tori Amos t-shirt.  This is why next time I’m waiting at the rheumatologists office I’m going to wear a halter top and some short-shorts so that it’ll be more obvious.  Then the nurse called my name and I considered telling her that everyone else could go first but you know what?  Fuck that.  I got those assholes water and none of them even said ‘thank you’.  Way to waste your time being impolite, old people.  Then I told the nurse that next time she saw me I’d be in a halter top and short-shorts and she was all “Oh, you’re going on a diet?”  Awesome.  I am never going back there again.

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Did you know that the guy that invented the Marconi radio telegraph system was named Guglielmo Marconi?  I don’t know Italian very well but I’m pretty sure that’s pronounced “Googley – Elmo”.  I cannot say this name out loud without laughing.  I bet whoever presented his Nobel Prize had to practice saying his name for like a week before he could say it without cracking up.

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Me morphed with Marlene Dietrich. It's like we're fucking TWINS, y'all. Except that she has a huge head. Also, why is one eye more closed than the other? I can't tell if she's drunk or if she's having a stroke. Which is *exactly* what my sister said about me at our last family reunion. I think this proves something. Probably something about how I need to stop drinking so much around judgmental family members who are most likely just angry that they have to be the designated driver but maybe you should have thought about that before you started breast-feeding, Lisa. *I* didn't get you pregnant. You brought this on yourself.

Comment of the day: I’m related to the Fondas. And Pocahontas. And my family invented chewing gum. And gatorade. Different sides of the family. Mom’s side is gum, dad’s side is gatorade. Why I’m not eating off of solid gold plates? I have no idea. Oh wait. Yes I do. Cocaine.  That’s why. ~ Miss Grace

192 thoughts on “Random thoughts that should be burned”

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  1. I’m related to the Fondas. And Pocahontas. And my family invented chewing gum. And gatorade. Different sides of the family. Mom’s side is gum, dad’s side is gatorade. Why I’m not eating off of solid gold plates? I have no idea. Oh wait. Yes I do. Cocaine, that’s why.
    .-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..(10) Walk Across the Golden Gate Bridge =-.

  2. That cigarette is nearly as big as your blow dryer, which says Block Party to me. I’m coming with sangria and my Joan Crawford head on.

  6. Damn I pissed myself laughing at work again. Pretty soon I’m going to start sending you the laundry bills, and the cleaning crew is going to have me committed, or both.
    .-= ShredderFeeder´s last blog ..To the Republicans: =-.

  7. It’s awesome that you mention Cash Cab. I was riding my bike to work today and I saw one of those mini van taxis and I thought “How awesome would it be if they did Cash Cab here?” Then I realized that the longest cab ride in this town is probably about 10 minutes and that’s not really enough to do more than a few questions. On the other hand. most of the people who take cabs in this town are probably hammered, so they would strike out pretty quickly.

  8. I think the squinty eye is the result of a tragic eyelash glue incident. That or those aren’t fake eyelashes and instead or rabid tarantulas. That would make me squint, too.
    .-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..Search Optimization-ish =-.

  9. I’m related to Sir Francis Drake. Also, I have an eye condition that 100% of people over age 95 have, and only about 4% under age 50 have. It sucks when your eye doctor lets you know that he diagnosed 5 cases “just like yours today” because the bus from the nursing home was there that day, and you fall in the under age 50 category. Bastard.

  11. It sounds like those were the days before St. Joseph statues. Maybe your great, great uncle was just trying to sell his house.

  12. Guess those pieces are the best. I’ve always loved those kind of writing – jagged or whatever word fits.
    And you’d totally look like Marlene but you’re much prettier.

    People in Poland read you! 🙂

  13. “Remember when we used to talk about things that weren’t about twitter?”–HA! Ha! Oddly enough, I don’t remember those days, either. The world didn’t exist without Twitter. Apparently.

    Cash Cab post = yes. And, I just realized I haven’t been in a cab since… 2008(?) in Philly & NYC BEFORE they did the whole Cash Cab thing. It’s time I get on this… lets just go ride in a cab because it could be a Cash Cab and we will win money if we answer all of the questions correct! Yes!

    I’ve been told that one of my great great grandmothers used to tie my great great grandfather to the bed because he drank too much. She did other things to him, too, but they were gruesome. What is it with the greats and back then?

  14. Ungrateful old people ! Just because they’re old and wise like Yoda they think we owe them something. FUCK THAT Luke SkyUsingaWalker! Get your own damn water.
    .-= Holly B´s last blog ..My First Time =-.

  15. Hey Marlene! I’m addicted to meth–otrexate. When I take it on Friday nights it’s the same as taking a Vicodin. I would love to take prednisone every fucking day but my rheumatologist won’t let me. Says it’s bad for me or something. But I can move! I can dance! when I take it. Not I kinda hobble everywhere. Except in the pool where I do water aerobics where I am phenomenal, by the way…
    .-= Susie Kline´s last blog ..Food Time! Shrimp & Red Pepper Frittata =-.

  16. I can’t wait to go to BlogHer so I can ride in the Cash Cab. And hump the living crap out of Ben Bailey. It’s okay to assault cab drivers in NYC, right? I’m just trying to avoid looking like a tourist.

    Everyday I wait for Ashton to finally tell me I’ve been Punk’d. By life. He never comes.

  17. What’s a cash cab and why are people doing disco in it?
    Oh, p.s. I’m apparently descended from the Boleyns on my mother’s side. Which is the West Virginia hillbilly side so I’m not sure how you get from British royalty to ‘Deliverance’ but apparently it’s been proven.
    .-= Stephanie Smirnov´s last blog ..Hunting Mushrooms =-.

  18. I feel exactly the same when I visit my rheumatologist. And my internist. And just about every other damn doctor I see.

    I think this should be a regular feature. “Shit I was writing when I wasn’t posting.” It makes me happy to see I’m not the only one whose brain goes on 20 different tangents at once. Of course, I have ADD. What’s your excuse?
    .-= Jenny´s last blog ..Don’t Like the Drugs =-.

  21. Marlene is squinching up that eye because her ciggy is starting to burn her cornea on that side. So, smoking used to blind people. Which might explain those old cigarette holders that were like a foot long. Blindness preventers.

  23. If you want old people to know that you don’t work in a doctor’s office, you can’t wear Tori Amos t-shirts. Tori shirts apparently invite conversation, or make you look like you know what you’re doing or something. If you want them to *really* know you don’t work there, you need Cradle Of Filth, Dimmu Borgir or Cannibal Corpse t-shirts. Having spent way more time than I care to admit to in waiting rooms full of old people, I have researched this thoroughly. And the bonus of Cannibal Corpse shirts is that they look at you once then avoid eye contact for the rest of the time you’re in the same room.
    .-= HexingThoughts´s last blog ..Portable Blogging Is My Friend =-.

  24. You know, what I’ve noticed is that old people generally don’t SAY thank you to your face but they love to write thank you NOTES. And they get really bent out of shape if you don’t send one for that 5 dollar check they sent at Christmas. (That last part might be just me, though.)

    So maybe tomorrow you’ll get like four thank you notes in the mail from the old people for the water. That’s assuming the nurse is willing to give out your address after identifying you as “that nice young nurse in the rock and roll tee shirt.”
    .-= Bejewell´s last blog ..The Bean’s Summer Break Continues: Bungee! =-.

  25. “If you’re wearing clean socks and you don’t have hooks for hands then I’ve succeeded as a mother.” – The Bloggess. That’s a monster tweet.

  26. my family is related to jesse james (the cowboy) and eddie monster. Which explanes a lot of my family.. I will be checking for more of these blogs..awesomeness pure awesomeness.

  27. Well I’m descended from like some MORMON DUDE. One of the ones that had a bunch of wives. I forget which one, but he was big and important back in the day. I think he only had like 8 wives, but then some of his kids married the kids of other Mormon dudes who had a bunch of wives so I’m pretty sure no one REALLY knows who belongs to who but my point is IN THE STATE OF UTAH I have a bajillion cousins and somehow that is spiffy? At least some cousins keep telling me that?

  28. Summary:
    Prince used Googley Elmo’s invention (because he can’t sign up on Twitter) to send you in a non-Cash Cab to get meth for Marlene Dietrich, who was not stabbed in the brain by a nail and buried in the back yard, but who may have impregnated your sister to become part of your family. In response, you got naked and became the latest stroke victim in a room full of 90-year-olds. This is exactly the appropriate response.

  29. I can’t say “Guglielmo” out loud without laughing either LOL 😀 “Googley – Elmo” ROTFLMAO 😀

    I have zero posts in MY draft-folder because I’m such a perfectionist nutcase, all my “drafts” are rough-drafts in pencil on paper AND then I type them as word-processor documents before they EVER make it to The Blogosphere

    I am also domestically-challenged; I’m good at making Kraft Dinner and that’s about it LOL 😀

    I always get a kick out of your blog #smilesandhugs
    .-= Jon Pear (a.k.a. NeuroAster)´s last blog ..Some new text on my blog =-.

  30. Great Googley Elmo, old people ARE rude! And, while unexpectedly hilarious, so is the nurse at that doctors office.

  32. The last time I went to the rheumatologist there was only ONE seat and it was next to the only black person and I thought it was because they were all racists. So then? I sat next to him, giving everyone else the hairy eyeball for being all hatey and stuff. People all looked at me funny, nodding knowingly to each other, like they were being all judgey. But then? The guy started making noises, from his gut.. he totally had the cabbage gas. Not just standard tooty farts, but the juicy kind that rumbles up and down before it releases itself into the air, killing everything in a 50 mile radius.

    Soooo yeaaah um.. they weren’t racists.

  33. I TOTALLY AGREE WITH THE CASH CAB! I’m convinced those assholes don’t actually exist and they tape the entire show in the damn studio, forever fooling the gullible general public like a bunch of damn sheep. *steps off soap box*

  34. According to my Mum and my paternal Grandpa (the two crazy geneologists in the family) we’re related (between the two families) to Benjamin Franklin, Some pirate or another that did Pirating for the Queen (I forget which one… Drake? Roberts? Either way… Aarrrrr!), and that girl who played the pilot in Northern Exposure.. Janine Turner. Oh… we also apparently have a very long, and very deep line of depression, suicides, and other various insanites. Whheee! 😀 At least you have someone glamerous in your tree… all I have are drunken swashbucklers. 😉

  35. We have a client here at work that has the last name Guglielmo. One day he came in and my bff/co-worker said “Bye Mr. Goooglieeeeelmaaa”. She totally fucked up his name and I had to run in the other room because I was dying laughing. We still giggle whenever we have to do any work for him. Any name that sounds like Elmo deserves to be giggled at. Unless somebody reading this has that in their name because I’m totally not laughing at them.

  37. Fucking Cash Cab. That shows addicting.

    I kind of thought that was Lucille Ball when I first looked at it. So maybe you’re related to her. That’d be cooler anyway.
    .-= Caitlin´s last blog ..Words of Wisdom =-.

  38. I’m related to Sam Houston which is the only reason people from Texas don’t shun me. I’m like royalty there, apparently. I should probably visit that big ass state at some point. I expect a tiara.

  39. The other night, a neighbor stupidly announced that he thought Twitter and social media were a waste of time. Hint: Never, NEVER say that to the social media whore who is making the macaroni salad you are going to be eating for dinner. Dude has had violent diarrhea ever since. To Tweet is to live. All others are just the walking dead. I pity them.
    .-= Kadi Prescott @DigitalKadi´s last blog ..Welcome! =-.

  44. Ok, since we’re sharing family genealogies here: I’m descended from a pirate (Arrrr!) who held a seige on Charleston and was later captured, but then escaped from prison by dressing up as a woman. (This was in the early 1700s, people; it was easier to hide the man-legs back then.) (But they caught him and he was hanged anyway.) Thanks to your post, I am now able to talk about being the descendant of a cross-dressing pirate who wasn’t even that good at it without embarrassment.

  45. ‘Googley Elmo’ made me laugh so hard that the guy next to me on the bus moved away. He was a creep though, so you probably saved me from getting a nail hammered through my skull. Thank you.

    Googley Elmo.

  46. Genealogy is one of my hobbies, just like your judgmental sister Lisa. I’m related to Daniel Boone. His sister is my great great whatever grandmother. Whoopee, no one cares! Also related to Bob Eubanks and General John Logan of the civil war. It’s fun being related to Bob Eubanks, but not fun being related to some old war general. Hey, maybe in 100 years, your descendants will be all, “Oh yeah? I’M related to the bloggess. That’s right, THE BLOGGESS, motherfuckers.”
    .-= Jenny´s last blog ..It’s all about the comments. =-.

  47. I totally want to be on Cash Cab too. My son doesn’t, though; he says it would “ruin his life.” Not sure what his issue is about it, but he pretty much hates that show.

    I followed your link and read the post in your archives about GPS. My parents were just visiting a few days ago and trees were down all over the road so they had to take a detour because we were going to a festival downtown. My mom asked, “Are we going closer to or further from our house?” and my dad said, “We’re going parallel to the main street in town.” She was like, “Yeah, but is that taking us closer to or further from our house?” (their house is two hours east and they were driving south). My dad was like, “Neither, we’re going parallel to the main street” because the detour is obviously to take you to the same place the main street would have taken you to. By the time they got out of the car, they were each convinced the other was a complete idiot.
    .-= Deana Birks´s last blog ..“You are not in Kansas anymore. You are on Pandora.” (Setting in Avatar) =-.

  50. But Prince is on Twitter. Or he was. I followed him, he existed god damnit but I can’t find him in my following list anymore. I’m not really a fan of his music but he had very nice tweets.

  51. Whenever I’m in New York, I only get into van taxi since that’s what they use most often on Cash Cab. I heart that show!!!

    PS- Whoever decided a street shout out would be a good idea? Has any random stranger ever gotten the questin correct??
    .-= Graygrrrl´s last blog ..What’s up Netflix! =-.

  52. I actually come from royalty, but they’re all Polish, which might mean they’re demented royalty. Either way, I’m proud of my heritage. I just wish I had a big head like yours. That would rock, except if you got a migraine.

    As for going to the dr. and being the youngest one there amongst people who look like they’re actually in their coffins, that happens to me all the time. I go to a rheumy as well as a cardiologist, and I always feel like all the other patients waiting are going to walk up to me and pat me gently on the head, and maybe give me some warm cookies and a glass of milk.
    .-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..I win the award for worst blogger of the millennium, or at least of the day =-.

  53. I am very fond of these short little blerb blogs because I can read one and then go back to work, and then I have more to come back to when I have a moment. Longer blogs take more attention, and this is not good for my ADD. It’s also not so good for me getting things done at work. So I’m liking the short blerby blogs. They’re like having a whole bag of Krystals rather than a Double Whopper. Fantastic! LONG LIVE THE bag or blerby blogs!
    .-= Cassondra´s last blog ..How Crystal Bowersox lost American Idol =-.

  54. Because I’m adopted, I have no idea who I’m related to. My adopto-Dad, whose last name is Culver, is related to the founder of Culver Military Academy and a man named Henry Culver who invented a type of stove and a type of flat iron. My Grandma took me to a Culver Family Reunion at the Military Academy once, and I kept cracking up at the thought of someone calling out “Mr. Culver?” and having 300 men turn around.

    Getting into the Cash Cab while in New York this summer would be unreal. I’m really good at answering the questions when I’m sitting in my living room.

  55. That picture makes you look like the bastard child of Marlene D. and an alien. There are freaky peeps all over the country who are whacking it over that visual.
    .-= pamela dayton time´s last blog ..things unsaid =-.

  56. I have to say that I cried I was laughing so hard….Poor Meth baby.

    Yeah, my mom (old person) says that mean and rude old people were mean and rude young people, which means you can be mean and rude back to them because they brought it on themselves…

    Related to lots of pilgrims, and mostly I’m ashamed of it. But the family goes on and on about it. Do you know what those pilgrims were like? Its embarrassing folks. No one gets it.
    .-= Non-Believer´s last blog ..Cat Vomit between my fingers…. =-.

  59. I came on here to say that Prince is no longer a symbol, but just Prince, but Mommy Lisa beat me to it. However, now that we know he can just be @Prince on twitter all is right with the world. Unless there is already another @Prince which I bet there is and he is probably a REAL Prince not just a short guy in all purple who sings about sex. A lot of sex.
    .-= Dani´s last blog ..It’s All Full of Hilarity Until the Weather Interrupts Your Movie Watching Time =-.

  60. every time I go to the Doctor there are boatloads of old people there, and they ask me questions. I found it useful to slip on the Michael Jackson mask thingy and lay my head against the wall , even if I am not sick.. It keeps them off my back. so give that a try, and oh yeah a nice #2 pencil to the throat for the fucking nurse that mentioned the diet. That will teach her.

  61. Pingback: Wouldn’t it be nice if I wrote something interesting once in a while? | Inane Chatter

  63. in college i sang an opera scene from a mozart opera and one of the male characters was named guglielmo. you are saying it right and it never gets less funny…it also gets way more funny when you sing it.

  64. I have 69 posts in the draft file. I find it amusing so I keep it at 69. Great. My blog is getting more fucking action than I am.

    Also…Is that a doobie? Puff, puff, pass. Quit campin and pass that shit
    .-= singlemama_cc´s last blog ..Sunshine, swings and smiles =-.

  65. I was all set for the “but they called him macaroni” joke. You know, since his first name is so ridiculous as to be pronounced googley-Elmo. And then I got to the end of the paragraph and you hadn’t made that joke, so I went back to the beginning and realized that in fact his last name was not Macaroni but Marconi. Frankly, Googley-Elmo Macaroni seems better, in my humble opinion. But then again, I’m not Italian.
    .-= MommyTime´s last blog .. =-.

  66. “… Marlene Dietrich. It’s like we’re fucking TWINS, y’all. Except that she has a huge head. Also, why is one eye more closed?”

    I’ll tell you why. Those are the longest, and probably, the heaviest eyelashes. Or she’s drunk.

    Maybe you are related.

  67. I never knew how to say Marconi’s first name before. I pretty much just said Guglifuckit. LOL Your rheum story made me laugh my ass off because it’s JUST LIKE MY RHEUMATOLOGIST’S OFFICE!!!!

  68. another title of this post could be things that make you go o_O @#$%&&^&**(^@!@#@!

    I’d morph into Ms. D, like that, but I’m not sure green would be a good color with that funky eye and all. 😀
    .-= The Pear Lady´s last blog ..Bitten by the Junebug =-.

  69. My dad and stepmom got married at a winery called Guglielmo and I can confirm it is pronounced “googley-elmo”. I can’t say Guglielmo without laughing either. I also can’t say “my dad married someone 13 years younger than him” without laughing, but I’m guessing that’s for a different reason.

  70. I’ve been in the Cash Cab. I won $900. Its all the magic you think it would be…except Ben Bailey is kinda a douche…I’m WAYYYY funnier than he gave me credit for.

  71. I apparently am a FAILURE as a mother. Bratchild was recycling socks the last few days of school because she didn’t want to tell me she didn’t have any clean ones because she knows how I feel about laundry.
    Of course, when I was in college I would just buy a new Hanes cotton underwear 7 pack every week in lieu of laundry.
    No hooks for hands though…
    .-= Amy Mayfield´s last blog ..Friday Flip-Offs 6/4 =-.

  73. Seriously, you could post 100 of these a day, and I’d read every damn one. If I could only read one website for the rest of my life, it would be this one, you inspire me, but even better, you crack me the fuck up <3

  74. I LOVE Cash Cab. I’d probably get all really hard questions and get kicked out right away if I ever got on there, though.l

  75. I do the same thing with Cash Cab, except I make believe I’m on the show anyhow and shout out random answers to nobody’s questions and then get pissed and call the cabbie the worst joke teller ever…ok, the only time I’m in cabs is while drunk. Who says I’m sober now llama beans?

  76. Brilliant indeed, they say respect your elders but sometimes those seniors are the most impolite obnoxious people around.

  77. I just realized recently that my grandfather lied to me about pretty much anything, and until I hit my thirties, I was telling people I’m part Native American, Maw Carter and therefore Roseanne Cash are related to us, and also we’re related to two of the three stooges (even though we’re not Jewish).

    None of that is true. What is true is that my great-grandfather was murdered (cold case, for real), my great-grandmother committed suicide, and my grandfather was a damnhellass liar.

    P.S. I find it ironic that the Wikipedia page for the Stooges says they were “christened” The Three Stooges.
    .-= Sarah p´s last blog ..Rainbows and Labyrinth =-.

  78. There was a guy in Dante’s Inferno named Guglielmo. I only remember sitting in class my sophomore year of high school, giggling because his name sounded like Googly-Elmo. I don’t remember why Dante put him in Hell, so I spent all this time (okay, two minutes) googling it, only to come up with a bunch of sites in Italian WHICH WERE NO HELP AT ALL. I think he was there because he was a homosexual or possibly because his name made Dante laugh.
    .-= Erin´s last blog ..Hit Me With Your Best Shot =-.

  79. I feel you about the Cash Cab one. Every time I am in NY I am looking for that dayum cab. I need some cash and I know too much useless trivia.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate
    Tiffany
    .-= Tiff´s last blog ..Steal Sunday Questions =-.

  81. My grandpa was almost James Whitmore, but he left my Grandma for Hollywood. Think of all the Miracle Gro I could have had.

  82. Okay, mother’s side…just some guy who blew up in a dynamite explosion (WOOT!). On my dad’s side we’re related to the little drummer boy in the painting of George Washington crossing the Delaware. :/

    Did you know? When you smoke one eye automatically closes. It’s like the cool facial thing only smokers get. Right before all the wrinkles happen when their skin slides off their bones….

    We may know a lot about you…but everything we know? Pretty damn mysterious!
    .-= Elisa ´s last blog ..I Won An Award! 🙂 =-.

  83. Your random thoughts are really really random. I kept thinking for so long that how would you manage to think this kind of stuff.

  84. Ya know, I’m thinkin the smoke is gettin in her eyeball. And that really does hurt.
    Anyway, apparently I’m related to Janis Joplin, through Martha Ball (George Washington’s wife), I should really check up on that though. I have her family tree and my g-ma has ours. Who knows. It’d be bitchin’ if I was.

  85. me: It’s a good thing that Prince isn’t on twitter because there isn’t a key for the symbol of his name so no one could ever @ him.

    Victor: Huh. Remember when we used to talk about things that weren’t about twitter?

    me: Not…really?

    Story of my LIFE.

    Well, maybe not the Prince part.

    I’m not sure if that make me more or less pathetic though
    .-= Jam´s last blog ..Heeeeeere’s TOMMY =-.

  86. I thought I was the only one that felt that way about Cash Cab. F*cking Cash Cab. Never around when you need it!
    .-= Annah´s last blog ..CRAZY BITCH =-.

  87. My mother-in-law is CONVINCED that she is related to the Emperor Franz Joseph. Because her great- great- someone’s passport has a stamp of the name of the Emperor Franz Joseph. I’ve given up trying to explain.

    Anytime I think of Guglielmo Marconi – and I think of him often – I immediately picture Milhouse from the Simpsons saying, “Hey, I got a funny name!”

    Nevermind.
    .-= Suniverse´s last blog ..Balance is Bullshit =-.

  88. I believe that in Berlin’s film museum you can visit an exhibit that explains her eye–legend has it that SOMEBODY handed her Japanese toothpaste instead of eyelash glue (both little tubes are on display), causing an epic infection and leading to pathological reclusiveness and wrecking the depth perception that made her a bitching pool player. Poor Marlene. Didn’t know what hit her. Especially if it came up on her right side, in the eyelash blind spot, you know. After the museum, you can score hash at the wall from Egyptian Anarchists and take a nap that lasts one month past the start of the fall semester back home. You could in the early 90s, anyway, things may be different now.
    .-= Deb Rox´s last blog ..Thus Spoke Pippi Longstocking =-.

  89. Stephanie Smirnov! I am ALSO descended from the Boleyns on my mother’s side! What an awesome coincidence.

    The Bloggess, I regret to inform you that it’s not pronounced Googley Elmo. As much as I like saying it. Two semesters of Italian taught me that that would be closer to “Goo-YALE-mo” where the A sound is a little bit drawn out. For some reason “GL” makes a sort of Y sound.
    .-= Edana´s last blog ..One Crust to Rule them All =-.

  90. Sometimes, I watch Cash Cab and the people who get into the cab have never heard of it before, and then I get all annoyed that Cash Cab is being wasted on people who don’t even appreciate it. Like when you have a perfect guy friend whose dating a total skank though you know that it’s only your love that would truly support him in his dreams and through the good and bad times. Or maybe that’s a romantic comedy tv movie I saw, sometimes I confuse those with real life. Still, it’s a good comparison.
    .-= Megan (Best of Fates)´s last blog ..Dessert, According to a Lazy Hostess =-.

  91. Despite your worry, this post is comedy gold!! Keep ’em coming.

    Also, I think one eye is closed because she’s getting cigarette smoke in it. Now, is that sexy, or is that sexy? (the correct answer is that, that *is not* sexy!)
    .-= Kevin´s last blog ..A New Kind of Passive/Aggressive =-.

  93. Marlene looks disturbingly like the Red Queen. If someone else has written that I apologize but I’m too damn lazy to go through all the comments to see if another has had the glorious insight I had.
    In Chicago it’s hard to ever think you’re in a Cash Cab because before I get my ass in the seat the cabbie asks me if it’s okay for him to talk on his cell phone. (It’s the law) On his little earpiece. Which has gotten me very confused because I can NEVER tell if they are talking to me or not.
    How do these cabbies find a 24/7 hotline to talk on is absolutely beyond me. I can’t even get my Grandma to answer her phone and she’s crazy old, in Florida (where she claims it’s too hot to leave the house), and that no one loves her.
    .-= Diana d’Or´s last blog ..Birds, Bees, n’ Butterflies =-.

  94. “If you’re wearing clean socks and you don’t have hooks for hands then I’ve succeeded as a mother. ”

    I want this cross-stitched on a pillow.

  95. aw, man. that nurse. cold. brrrr. mostly b/c she was sincere. i feel your pain there, lady.

    nermind tho. just got to the thrift store, get a pair of levi’s, cut them up right by the hem on the back pockets, and your good for your next appointment.

    also? I so wish I was with deb rox in the eary nineties, in Berlin..I was doin that same shit here in the burg. Hmmm…I guess tho…berlin, burg…dint matter much if there was hash. Am I right? or am I right.
    .-= Alyxherself´s last blog ..Well laaaa-tiiii-daaaa =-.

  96. Yay! I’ve succeeded as a mother!

    Nope, you said it. No takesy-backsies. No YOU pick unorthodox benchmarks for success.
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..Influence =-.

  98. Girl -tu sei matto!! I know the host of cash cab, if you want ur dream to come true, let me know 🙂

  101. I went to get some bloodwork done for my nosy doctor today, but I got behind a hundred year-old lady in line to check in with the receptionist at the lab, and then I looked around and everybody was about that age and had tubes in their noses and walkers, and everything started getting all swirly so I had to run out of that place. I’ll try again tomorrow.

    Marlene put too much toothpaste on her fake eyelashes, obviously.
    .-= beta dad´s last blog ..A Father’s Day gift from The Bono and me to the world =-.

  104. My mum says we might be related to Louis XVI’s brother. The one that helped the revolution because he thought he’d be made kind next. That’s lame. And probably not true. If I had a choice I’d rather be related to Charlotte Corday, the woman who knifed Marat, or Olympe de Gouges, who wrote the rights of woman. Except that the name is ridiculous. You just can’t choose your relatives – no matter how hard you try! Marlene Dietrich is probably ok, though. Expect for the big head.
    .-= Sandrine´s last blog ..Papers and tiny computers. That’s all. You can dump the rest. =-.

  109. I suppose that explains why we didn’t hear about any old people driving their cars through the front of a Walmart yesterday. You were busy getting them water.

    “Bloggess: Doing her part to save people from being killed in elderly vehicular homicide cases since (insert random year here)”

    Also, I have a Googley Elmo. You probably don’t want me to attach a picture of it.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..There’s Some Plastic Fornication Going On Here =-.

  110. I think that EVERY time I go to the doctor’s office……….crap I don’t want to live that long……….jeez.

    Anyhow, I came up with the perfect solution for EVERYTHING……….after my daughter’s dance recital on Sunday we went to Chili’s and had the worst waitress EVER. Anyhow, my kids got their food but after 20 minutes I just decided to lay my head on the table……….apparently the manager thought I had died waiting for my food so he didn’t make me pay for it!

    Next time I’m in the doctor’s office I’m gonna act like I’m dead……..so I get in faster………

  111. But just think, if you did get in Cash Cab and they asked you who invented the macaroni radio, you’d know it was Goggley-Elmo. Oh wait. I thought it was the “macaroni” radio. That would have been so cool if it was.

  112. Have you read her daughter’s biography? She was completely self-absorbed to the point of being a bad mother, a bad everything, really.

  115. Just like Victor and Twitter, my wife curses the day I started my website. The more interesting stuff I do on the site, the less interesting I seem to be in real life. It even scares me.

    The rheumatologist office scene was hysterical!

  116. i’d give anything for a clean swimsuit cover up right now…in my depressed, pity wine party last night I totally forgot to put the much needed load of all my clothing in but this morning didn’t remember I forgot to put the load in and thought the basket of dirty clothes were actually clean. Yup, head to toe filth at work today sans panties because I do have some standards…nothing a good bottle of imposter Chanel can’t cover up…
    .-= SumSum´s last blog ..Am I in 1984? =-.

  117. I work at a college. I once had a student whose first name was Lasagna, and I had to practice saying her name for 5 minutes before I could go out into the lobby and call her name without laughing. This year we have a student named YourMajesty. I DO NOT KNOW how I will look that person in the eye and not lose my shit. GoogleyElmo is a walk in the park especially if you say with an Italian accent.
    .-= MidLifeMama´s last blog ..Hello Universe, it’s me, Midlifemama… =-.

  119. DUDE!!! The other day I SAW THE FRIGGEN CASH CAB! It was broken down and the host dude was smoking a cigarette while a bunch of techies were fixing the lights cause they were flashing all over the place. I wanted so damn much to throw myself in the cab and be like “I need to get to Alaska”.
    But I was in a restaurant on my anniversary with my man friend and couldn’t run out during dinner again. He gets pretty mad.
    He’s going to regret setting the “no running out of the restaurant like a crazy person” rule since now we will never win money in a cab game show.
    .-= Beausaphine´s last blog ..I was nearly made roommates with a kidnapped leprechaun who has forcibly been detoxed =-.

  121. I like the family story of the killing and burying in the backyard better than being related to Marlena Dietrich. You could have a Lifetime Movie of the week made about the Killing and burying. If I was writing the script I’d make sure I included those Meth taking Old people at the Rheumy office. Whoa…are they Zombies pretending to be Old Meth taking people?
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..The Bride and the Grads =-.

  122. Diani D’Or – I thought the exact same thing! That Tim Burton thinks he’s so innovative, but he was really just copying Marlene!
    Jessica – I’ll be in NY in 3 weeks. Must. Be. On. Cash. CAB!!!!
    MidLifeMama – My mom’s a teacher. She once had a boy named Lemonjello and another boy named Shithead. In the same year! Why would anyone do that to their child? Those kids may have had both hands and clean socks, but their moms had definitely FAILED at the parenting thing.
    Sandrine – if you’re possibly related to Louis XVI’s brother, then ergo, you are possibly related to Louis XVI and all his Bourbon predecessors, which sounds way cooler than saying you’re possibly related to Louis XVI’s brother, so I’d just stick with saying your possibly descended from the Bourbons. Except I’d change the possibly to a definitely because you may as well really dedicate yourself to it.
    .-= Rachel´s last blog ..I’m like a female MacGuyver (w/o the mullet, of course) =-.

  123. Jenny you should check out bluntcard.com. I’m sure they’ve got one that would be just perfect for your judgmental sister. For when Hallmark is just way too nice…

  125. You are so very lovely! I am glad I found your blog. And it’s true: several months ago, I was researching clown porn, for work. So I was touched to see that both you and I came to the same conclusions about it independently (that somebody wants to stop it but that’s about it).

  128. I actually *am* related to Merlene Dietrich, so if it turns out you are too, we’d be like, almost sisters. And you can start coming to my family’s reunions, and I can stop being the only drunk and awkward disappointment to the family.

  129. Bloggess…how can I while away the next 20 minutes at work? I’ve spent the past 5 hours on the internet (your blog) and I’m on the home stretch…

  130. Did you know that James Garfield is a movie star? I was watching Fried Green Tomatoes and all of a sudden there he was mounted on the wall and looking down at all the women who were looking at their vags in hand mirrors. Awesome.

  131. I was talking with a friend about your trip to the doctor’s office and I was told an Insane Clown Posse shirt should do the trick. BTW- I once sent our tender-headed 6 yr.old daughter on to school with a tangle in her hair bigger than my fist. The teacher thought she’d comb it out, “since I couldn’t be bothered”. She only tried that once!
    .-= Bodaciousboomer´s last blog ..Bluntcards… for when Hallmark is just waaay too nice =-.

  133. No rheumatologist, but I did go to “Evil Soviet Neurologist” for my migraines. She refuses to prescribe painkillers, even wimpy ones. I think she got deported. Now I have “Fast-talking New York Doctor”. Also, in our family, we have someone who married Huey Long (go, KIngfisher!), someone who fell in a pigpen and was eaten by feral pigs who had been brought in for slaughter, and someone who stole General Braddock’s payroll during the French and Indian War — and then lost it.
    As for letting the kiddos dress themselves, Aly left the house one day in brown leggings, a white skort with multicolored hearts, a pink tutu, blue socks with Ariel on them and sandals. Oh, and a shirt with a sequined chihuahua. It’s amazing that neither child services or a stray bag lady picked her up.

  135. “If you’re wearing clean socks and you don’t have hooks for hands then I’ve succeeded as a mother.” Amen! That should be one of the 10 commandments. Right after “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife” and before “Thou shalt not kill”. Although in retrospect, maybe it should replace “Thou shalt not kill” which is kind antiquated anyway. That way we can still have 10 commandments instead of 11. I mean, 10 just sounds better than 11, and it makes the church’s marketing efforts much easier. Mr Pope, no need to thank me, just send a check.
    .-= Claire Gutschow´s last blog ..I have a serious case of The Mads =-.

  136. Love the description of your experience with the old people in the doctors office! LOL

    Our family is supposed to be related to Princess Diana, and also to the the Earl of Socks. Er, no, I think that’s the Earl of Argyle, not socks. Whatever, same dif.

    Thanks for visiting my site this week! You gave me girl wood! (I mentioned it and you in the link below…)
    .-= Kernut´s last blog ..Spreading The Blogging Love and Getting Horizontal =-.

  137. Way to be all selfish Jenny wearing a halter top and short jeans to a place where a lot of old men go…ever hear of Cardiac Arrest from over stimulation? Are you seriously ready to give mouth to mouth to a 90 year old guy who is probably nothing but gums? I didn’t think so.

  138. I cannot wait to be old. People openly volunteer their help, give you stuff for free (you don’t even have to thank them) and you can sit around saying *anything* you want – even if it’s fantastically offensive, because everyone else will be all “Oh just ignore her, honey, she doesn’t know what she’s saying. She’s old.”

    Amazing.
    .-= Jo and the Novelist´s last blog ..I have no future in advertising. =-.

  139. I live in NYC and I’m quite lazy so I think the Cash Cab is a hoax. I’ve run the numbers (and by numbers I mean I spelled ‘Boobies’ on the calculator) and it’s almost impossible that I have never been picked up by it. I can only come to the conclusion that it discriminates against white women with dark hair who are very lazy and like to curse.
    .-= Tonya´s last blog ..Urine Was The New Black: Chronicles from Crazytown =-.

  140. I think you’ve just proved that brevity isn’t the soul of wit after all.

  141. The “gli” in Guglielmo is pronounced with the “L” sound and “yee” together. You roll the sound off your tongue like “lllllllllyee”

  142. “Oh, you’re going on a diet?” – that’s the sort of thing a guy might say without thinking. And immediately realize that it was a really bad thing to say. Especially if the clue of a whistling object passing the ear is added.
    .-= Mikeporterinmd´s last blog ..Twitter: I have Flown the Coup =-.

  144. I just keep waiting for that episode of cash cab where a hobo just gets in and falls asleep in the cab. Or they get into a car accident. Or both.

  147. Some old people are jerks. I’m the type of person who holds the door open for people behind me at stores. 2 or 3 times that I’ve done this for the elderly they’ve said ignorant stuff to me like “I don’t need your help”. ack. I totally get the unposted blogs too. I have a bunch that I never finished.
    .-= Mary´s last blog ..June Movie Bugs =-.

  148. When I was a kid, my mom always warned me about the old people when we were going grocery shopping. She said they’d run me over as soon as look at me. So I started smiling at them when we passed them in the aisles. Some of them smiled back. Some of them didn’t. Maybe that’s how you figure out the jerk-old-people from the not-jerks. Actually, I think that might work for most people. Unless flashing your teeth seems like a sign of hostility. Hm, I think I might have just thrown an confounding factor into my theory… dang… I’ll have to rework that…
    .-= jenny gee´s last blog ..Success! Sort of. =-.

  149. I am sitting here giggling out loud. More draft posts! It’s like awesome excerpts from your awesome stream of consciousness.

  154. You mean all those stories weren’t related? I followed the plot, characters, and storyline throughout. This speaks more to the way my brain functions, and for those of us with a smidgen of Adult Attention Defecit Hyperactivity Disorder (Can you have a smidgen of ADHD?), we appreciate to the point (or not) snippets. You’ve inspired me to stop here, stop writing more words, regurgitating letters…okay I’m going to stop. Now.
    .-= Michelle Zive´s last blog ..The Song Remembers When: Part I =-.

  155. I can relate to having random blog post drafts. I was just looking through my drafts yesterday and had to laugh at one I started a month ago titled “An Amicable Divorce,” which as of two weeks ago, became obsolete thanks to my soon-to-be-ex.

    It was fun reading and hope you keep sharing these drafts!
    .-= Naked Girl in a Dress´s last blog ..Girls’ Weekend Part 1: Pierced Penises, Food, and Conversation (not in that particular order) =-.

  157. re: I’m not the dark, brooding girl shrouded in mystery and I’ll never be her.

    Yeah, I gave up on that in college in the 70s. It was a Winnie the Pooh cartoon in the newspaper that made me give up. I might still have it somewhere. Piglet said, “It’s hard to be the strong silent type when you are basically the weak noisy type.”

  159. Have you thought about taking one of those old people into a cab with you- because that would considerably up your chances of being in a cash cab- also because they are old they may know some old stuff but then after you won you could tell them you lost so you would not have to share the money.

    Just a thought.
    .-= mountainmomma18´s last blog ..Week Fail =-.

  160. This post is like a big pot of stew. The kind of stew where you use up all the leftovers in your fridge. Both are good and tasty. Also, the people reading it, and eating it, aren’t paying for it, so they should shut-up enjoy it, and thank you for it!
    .-= BuenoBaby´s last blog ..In bed =-.

  161. Little nuggets of awesome. I’m glad these weren’t individual posts. Far more awesome this way.

    Also, i think I may drive a cab , deck it out with the strobe light and such and ask random questions. Then when the person is all “What did I win?”. I think I’ll say “not a damn ,thing , what do you think this is the cash cab?”
    And when they say yes. I’ll say “Nope,but you are on my new hidden camera show Tricking people in to thinking they’re winning stuff for my own amusement”
    And then I’ll laugh hysterically. Oh and then ask them to pay me for the cab fare.

  164. Cash Cab recently broke my heart. I found out that they find many of their contestants in like, bars. They must prescreen for adorableness or pain-in-the-assness, because every passenger on that show can be broken down into those two categories.

  166. hsaha whyyyy have you been keeping these from us? Always an entertainer. Don’t lose hope on the old people! Not to get unnecessarily deep, but maybe it’s just sad that just because somebody is being nice, people automatically think that you’re forced to do so as a job. Even though, not even ppl who have to be nice as a job are really ever too nice. hmmmm. That reminds me that my two-yr old broke my glasses a week after I bought them, and when I called today to see if there was anything they could do to cut me a break because I JUST BOUGHT THEM they just kept reminding me that I declined the insurance plan and that I could simply pay them seventy bucks to fix them. Thanks for the help. Sure, it’s my fault, but hey help a girl out. Am I right? Amd IIIII RIIIIIIGGGHTTT
    .-= Mamma M´s last blog ..One batch of Cupcakes Does Not a Baker Make =-.

  167. I don’t understand why anyone thinks you’re so funny and clever. I find you SO annoying. You have all these followers because people can’t think for themselves. All they do is retweet your crap all day. Ug. I guess that’s not your fault though…

  168. I totally had a dream about cash cab last night. One would think “oh ya, a dream about winning money, blah blah”, but alas nope, that would have at least been better. In my dream I was just driving down the highway next to the cash cab and super pumped about it. Ya, lame.

    Side note: I actually know someone who was on cash cab, jealous!
    .-= Mandolin´s last blog ..Wake Up! Grab a Brush and Put on a Little Makeup! =-.

  169. @Stacey – I like your idea but you might want to get the cab fare paid first, before the laughing and all. Just a thought …

    And yes, I actually DID know Marconi’s first name. I have trouble remembering my kids’ names sometimes, but his (and Eli Whitney) I remember. If only I’d named my kids Guglielmo and Eli, I’d probably be OK but then my daughter would be pissed with either choice, so it’s probably psychologically less traumatic for her if forget her name sometimes than to saddle either one of them with a name that would make them hate me forever.
    .-= Jami´s last blog ..Miscellaneous stolen stuff =-.

  170. Hi Pats! You make a compelling argument and I can’t stop laughing at your comment. Hey everyone! We need to all move from here and go over to Pats. Remember when he said, “You have all these followers because people can’t think for themselves.”? I think that was my favorite part. Sorry, Bloggess, Pats is where its ats. Pats! I made you a tagline! To the Patsmobile! Another one! The Pie is on FIIIIRE. I should start a blog. I would if Pats wasn’t so awesome.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Why Yes, Katie, We’re Open For Business =-.

  171. I’m ashamed to say that this is the first time I read your blog. Ashamed because it’s like the best thing out there, has to be since your intro to this post is all about how you’re overrated and how this is a combo of stuff you never posted since you didn’t deem it publishable. I laughed. I did! Now you have a new faithful follower. How many more do you need before you get the free toaster? I’m sure you’re at the level where you can get a free Segway! Oooh! A free Segway! Googley Elmo! Old people! Asking for water! Not thanking you!
    .-= Miss Nikki´s last blog ..Kissed By A Blogger (Girl)! =-.

  172. People confuse me. So do soap operas…that’s why i always confuse the name Marlene Dietrich with, that actress who plays Marlena on ‘Days of Our Lives’…Diedre Hall. Yep, not even close in names, except for the Marlene and Marlena part…

  173. Technically I didn’t bring it on myself “Marlena”. Marc just happened to be there too. Now, go get yourself some brain bleach. Also, I’m keeping that little hammer and nail trick up my sleeve, one day I just know I’m going to need it.

  174. It’s okay…I found out (thanks to my 5th graders school performance, “Night of the Notables”) that not only was I born on the anniversary of the sinking of The Titanic, but Abraham Lincoln was also shot on the same day. So yea, basically I’m screwed. doomed. cursed.

    At least you have Marlene Dietrich.
    .-= Carrie´s last blog ..There Goes My Baby =-.

  175. I saw how bummed everyone was about not finding the Cash Cab, then I remember a tricked out cab I saw in Aspen. You can’t make any money in it (well not by answering trivia anyway) and in fact it’s expensive to ride; but it’d be cool to do once. After all there aren’t many cabs left with working disco balls in them these days.
    .-= Bodaciousboomer´s last blog ..Not the cash cab, but a pretty cool cab anyway =-.

  176. Hey, I wanna see more coversations with victor… You should have a post of just those…

  178. I was laughing at Googley Elmo even before you told me you were laughing – and yes, no one who is human can say his name without giggling.

  179. Guglielmo.

    The second G is in there to make the L all ye ye. As in Goul Yee Elmo.

    Which looks like the title of an olde English Christmas Carol on Sesame Street.

  180. Googely Elmo…Dude I think I met him. He had a dead annoying laugh. You are related to a murderer?! ME TOO! Ok you know what, not really. But I was feeling this amazing bond moment right there with you. Turns out it was sympathy. Go figure.

    I’m also super confused with Pats here in your comments – coming on your blog to tell you that you are really annoying. Because obviously I also read blogs that annoy the shit out of me and here I thought I was the only one in therapy. Apparently not. Pats is also in therapy. Because Pats is obviously more than one person being all plural and stuff. I think Pats should have a cookie and like cheer up or something.
    .-= Mesina´s last blog ..Project 51 =-.

  182. I just discovered your blog. Where have you been all my life?! I can see that I am not getting anything productive done for the next few hours.

    I also have RA and all I can say is…my doc better come up with the good stuff next time! That butter’s not going to just eat itself (although that’s a video I’d totally watch).

  184. Conversations with Tim:

    Lee: Oh and here is another thing Jenny said…(proceeds to read Jenny’s post)

    Tim: Uh. Remember when we used to talk about things that weren’t Jenny related?

    Lee: No, not really.
    .-= Lee´s last blog ..Splash Pad Fun In Orlando, FL! =-.

  187. My 9 year old son just did a research project on the Macaroni guy. We laughed all night while he was working on it because we kept calling him googly elmo macaroni. Or googly elbow macaroni. What can I say, he waited til the night before it was due to tell us about it and we were up LATE working on it. sleep deprivation is rough.

  188. I’m a little disappointed more game shows haven’t taken up the Cash Cab model of having surprise contestants. Wheel of Fortune probably wouldn’t change much, but Jeopardy would definitely save some cash in prize money payouts. And as far as I’m concerned, I need more opportunities to be on game shows. I’d like to pursue it professionally, but getting into every cab in NY just sounds like a hassle.

  189. Um, isn’t CashCab only in New York? Just thought that tidbit of information might save you some time… and ultimately prevent disappointment.

    Nevemind the fact I can’t GUARANTEE it’s only in New York, which ultimately made this entire comment null and void. *sigh*
    .-= Tisha´s last blog ..Things I Learned in London… =-.

  190. Miss Grace, that was hillarious. Why do people with RA get the good $%^$?! WTH? I have to get all crookedy, wait til I’m 90 and hacking up my lungs to get the good $#%^!! I have things to do, also! Life is so unfair! My back hurts sometimes, does that qualify? My son sometimes wears the same socks for a couple of days…failure!!
    .-= Rhonda´s last blog ..You’re an idiot =-.

  191. I’m just now reading this because I’m reading all your posts in reverse-chronological order because I just found your blog and I like reading it more than I like doing my job. Anyway, my last name is Guglielmoni. Not quite as hilarious as Googley-Elmo due to the extraneous ni, but way more hilarious than Lawrence. It’s like you’re not even trying. And I appreciate that one person who said she wasn’t laughing at me in the comments but I’m pretty sure everyone else is. So now I’m going to have to drink heavily. As soon as I leave work, of course. I wouldn’t drink at work (or wouldn’t say so anyway because I’m pretty sure they monitor my internet usage. Which pretty much means I’m getting fired anyway, so hell. I’m going to start bringing a flask in my purse. I don’t know why I don’t do that already.) We pronounce it pretty much like Googley-Elmo-ni, but with more emphasis on mo–Googley-elMO-ni–because we’re all americanized and stuff but I met an actually-from-Italy Italian guy named Alfredo on a trip (pilgrimage?) to see the pope (see that? I’m Italian as fuck) in Denver when I was in high school and he said I pronounced it “so ugly” and it should be the way all those other people said to pronounce it. With the ly thing in the middle. Ghoul-y’all-moh-ni. Shit. Now it’s after 5 and I still haven’t sent out my fucking report and I’m going to have to stay late on a Friday. Thanks a lot, Bloggess.

    Also, I’m related to Joey Buttafuoco.

  192. You lost me at ‘Tori Amos’.
    Someone made a Tori Amos t-shirt?

    Shit, someone invented Twitter – I guess I’m done here …

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Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Just Another Meat-Eating Dirtbag: A memoir: ‘A charming, often hilarious look at how love is actually the worst.’-Tom Hart, author of the NYT bestseller Rosalie Lighting

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

A Thousand Miles to Graceland by Kristen Mei Chase: The journey of a thousand miles begins with sequins and a beehive wig in this funny and tender novel about Mothers, daughters and the surprising power of Elvis.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

The Feely Human Collective: A space for the big-hearted, the highly sensitive, the activists, meaning makers, and mental health advocates. A space to grow and grapple with the wonders of empathy, vulnerability, and emotional curiosity and be seen in all your beautiful wholeness.

Stix Yarn: We live in the beautiful mountains of Montana, sell gorgeous yarns and unique fabrics, and offer lots of opinions on the best ways to get the most out of said mountains, yarn, and fabric.

Quantum Possum: an inclusive, neurodivergence-affirming graphic novel taking readers on a wacky & frequently sidetracked adventure through Cosmic Bog, helping creatures in need and including everyone in the fun.

Acrylic Diva’s Online Painting Class: paint yourself happy from the comfort of your home. Stress free, easy art instruction with a seasoned professional artist. It’s the most fun you can have in your pajamas. Really.

Paris Writers: Join best-selling novelists Laurie Frankel, Ann Garvin, and Lauren Grodstein for a week of practical information – and inspiration! – in Paris this summer.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

PillTimer: No ads, no tracking, no math; just simple, no-nonsense medicine tracking for iPhone and iPad.

Green Heart Guidance: Elizabeth Galen, Ph.D., is an international psychic, intuitive and medium who helps people heal from physical, spiritual, emotional or sexual illnesses and traumas.

Thanks to Her: Finding Power and Inspiration in Your Family Photos Discover how American women (and your own relatives!) kicked ass between 1900-1950. Remember: Yes, she did … And so can you!

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

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