Surprisingly, I don’t really know how meth works on your genitals. Please stop asking me.

Today I wrote a post on my sex column about all the really horrific google searches that bring people to my blog (but that I didn’t want to write about here because that’s just going to result in even more people finding my blog when searching for What can meth do to your vagina?”) but the thing is that there are plenty of horrific search results for my blog that don’t have anything to do with sex at all.  Probably.  Actually, hard to tell, now that I think about it.

Actual google searches that lead people to my blog last week:

Wow, y'all.

I think the most baffling one is “Mother fucker” because first of all, I think you spelled it wrong.  Unless you meant for there to be a space in the middle.  In which case? Ew. And secondly, exactly how far do you have to wade through the Google results for “mother fucker” to find my blog?  It’s disconcerting.

Updated: Huh.  Apparently?  Not that far.

I'm #3, you guys.

If I had a resume this would be on it.

141 thoughts on “Surprisingly, I don’t really know how meth works on your genitals. Please stop asking me.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. OMG that is hysterical yet disturbing all at the same time. If it comforts you I found you looking for mushroom names and found “lawn booby” … then I was hooked!

  2. You should start an SEO company on the side. Clearly you are a master at key words. I think there’s a theme for a sex column in that last sentence, somewhere.

  3. If I knew any better, I would tell you what meth does to penises. But I dont know. Im assuming it is prety bad, but you cant be 100% sure. Its worth investigating. Maybe an interview is in order.

  4. HAHA I have the same random shit! Mind you my blog has only been around since December and I mostly photoblog, so my optimization is zero in terms of key photography terms (I don’t have enough free time to compete in that category)

    Thank goodness I have a great community build in Social Media! I could have never gotten the traffic I do without it.

  5. I was kind of proud that I ranked 3 and 4 in google search for ” epic asshattedness” for over 3 months. But yeah MotherFucker kind of takes the prize. Again this match goes to you…

  6. UPDATE:

    I also was appeared in the search for “How to properly insert an apple into your ass.”

    This has an “Inserting Apples Properly Into Your Ass for Dummies” book opportunity written all over it.

  7. I’ve seen that “dead whores” search term like 5 times now and every time I read it I hear it in the voice of Zevran from Dragon Age.

    I’m not sure if that’s more of a comment on me or him.

  8. It fascinates me how people find my sites sometimes. Seriously, they search for things I have never sold, talked about, etc… and somehow end up with me. WTH, internet?

  9. If that was on your resume I would hire you, with stipulations of course. The main one being that you answer your in-office phone calls with ‘The motherfucking desk, what ya need?’ or something of that sort.

  10. Hmmm…. I didn’t realize “motherfucker” went all the way back to the 1300’s. Oh, well. You learn something new every day!

    BTW, congrats!

  11. That’s awesome! I bet if you deliberately TRIED to come up as high as #3 you couldn’t do it …. but here you are. That is so freaking cool – you rock!!

  12. I’m still baffled that someone found my blog, several times, by searching for “male yeast infection cures”. The first time I saw it, I laughed so hard I peed myself. Now I’m a little disturbed and also, ewww. 😉

  13. It’s like you got the bronze medal in fucking. You have something to work towards. And by the way – I would totally watch the Olympics if there were more of that. I think curling is really boring.

  14. I wondered how far you’d have to wade to find you through “mother teresa” (because your tagline is stuck in my head all the time) (is that weird?) (I hope not), so I Googled it, but then I got distracted by the fact that “mother teresa quotes” is the 33rd most popular search in the past hour.

    I mean… what?

  15. Funny, when I think of “mother fucker” divided into two words, you’re the first person I think about. No joke. I am not sure what this means.

  16. Who are these people that look for this shit online? My neighbors perhaps they are a bit off.
    I hope they didn’t find my blog by using these key terms as some other people have:
    “are their streetwalker in gaslamp quarter”
    “cpeshal sex movies”
    Obviously someone does not know how to spell special.

  17. Awesome!

    My most read post isn’t even on my blog. It’s a guest post on a friend’s blog from December 26th, 2009. He sent me a message that my post received 1000 hits on his blog last month, so I did a Google search on the title (Mall Rage) and, yep, I made the top 10.

    I’m darn pissed that it hasn’t sent any traffic to MY blog, though…

  18. High Five!!!

    BTW, when you google something from your own computer you will most likely be the first thing that comes up. When I googled mother fucker I couldn’t find you at all. Which probably just made you sad. Mother Fucker.

    Lee

  19. “How women passionate about Jesus.”

    This was one of the Google searches that brought some lucky fella (or gal, I suppose) to my blog. Lucky me, I got a post out of it!

    New to your blog – love it!

  20. Not bad at all. I’m not sure anyone would even get my blog if they googled the exact name of the blog. So you are obviously doing something really right. Or really wrong. I’m not sure.

  21. What exactly is “george edward alcorn of dead cats”? I’m really disturbed as to who would do a Google search on that exact phrase. Creepy Internet freaks. Gaaaahh.

  22. I’d buy a shirt that said something about the bloggess, motherfuckers, dead whores and jellyfish but I’d probably get arrested if I wore it out of the house.

  23. The real question is: Why in the world have 60 people googled “so I got a box in the mail filled with 80 body parts” ?! I know it was probably the title of your transgendered lego post, but if they can remember the whole title, why the fuck can’t they remember to go to thebloggess.com?

  24. I do believe that the only good googles I get (that sounds nasty) involve a donkey and Guatemalan children, neither of which have ever been posted about on my site. A bit disappointing for the searcher, I’ll bet.

  25. OK, so, you win, your key words are the funniest, but I run a small etsy shop that sells purses (i use sell loosly, I don’t sell too many), and, appreanlty, people have found me with keywords “butt freckle”, “team canada sweater”, “byzantine weave” and “antique postcards of ireland.” WTF, google? Or, I guess, WTF me?? I don’t understand.

  26. Do you realize what a fantastic success story you are? I mean you are redefining what it means to pull oneself up by one’s bootstraps. Skip the resume, you should have them carve the dates that you held the 3rd position for the “mother fucker” search term onto your tombstone. You might also want to head your obituary with it. I’m not trying to say that you’re nearing the end–the great blogher conference in the sky. It’s just if you die tomorrow, you could do it without regrets. Everything from now on is just icing on the motherfucking cake, ma’am!

  27. If you search for “magical or random thinking” my entry on your boobie mushroom appears on the first page. But the most popular search that leads to my blog is, “is ben burnley married”. It’s nice to know that I provide a public service to all those teenage girls out there.

  28. Awesome. I am gonna steal this and put it on my resume. Betcha that will make me stand out.

    I would most like to see this on a business card though.

    Anybody else a little trouble by the frequency of the “dead whores” search? What is this, Disneyland?

  29. “tickle me boner,” “toddler boner,” “boy boner”

    I had a really popular boner post, apparently.

    Also, “i don’t get as much boners as i use to”– which I found interesting, because it’s not that he doesn’t get AS MANY, it was “as much,” which suggests to me that less boner = smaller boner. But then there’s that saying “less is more,” so does that mean that he gets bigger boners?

    SO CONFUSED.

  30. I get a lot of torture searches. Eg: “female pirate whipping”. Not sure whose doing the whipping on that one… Now that you mention it, maybe I should include motherfucker in more torture posts and see what happens. Thanks for the advice!

  31. That’s pretty funny. Since my mom and sisters read my blog I don’t always get to be as *impolite* as I’d like. What always strikes me as funny is that one of the main search strings for my blog is “why is Dan Pearce divorced”. It’s like, why do you care, and why would that be public information that you think you could just find on Google?

  32. Dear Jenny,

    I think i said this already.

    If you Google “Tony is a Dork”, you get me.
    Strangely enough, if you Google “Alyssa Milano” in Hungary, you get directed to a high school vacation picture of me and a friend at Schlitterbahn ages ago.

    Some things just arent…right.

    -Tony

  33. I think anyone who regularly uses the words ‘douche canoe’ in posts should shut up. Because I had to Google that. AND there were only 160,000 entries for it. I stopped reading at 134, 989, but I got the idea.

  34. Also, re: your blog header, today is Mother Teresa’s would-be 100th birthday. If she wasn’t already dead and saw this post and read these comments … I wonder how one says ‘douche canoe’ in Bengali.

  35. Those are hilarious! I’d take any of those over “i hate salwa” which apparently is what someone yahoo’d to end up at my blog. Didn’t even bother capitalizing the “I” or the “S” in my name. I got indignant (and yes, a little stabby), until I realized that A) lots of people have that name, even if they don’t generally live in this country, and B) anyone who uses the yahoo search engine is clearly a worm-eating dunce anyway.

  36. Mus make a MOTHERFUCKIN T-SHIRT. bwahahaha!I never get anything fun like that! My funniest one “Bowchikabowwow”, its cute but its no MOTHER FUCKER! OMG< I am seriously losing the battle to stress incontinence over here. Happy Mothering or fuckering..whichever strikes your fancy tonight:)LOL

  37. LMAO….that is so true about the resume..’..what is it with some searches…last week I got..”long saggy granny tits”…now believe me I dont have those..nor would I show them on a blog if I did…the only word that matched was Granny….and that was in connection with a dildo..I know dont ask..!

  38. You know you have hit it big time, when you are #3 Google ranked for mother fucker. Not even motherfucker. But mother SPACE fucker. I don’t know whether to congratulate you or pretend this never happened.

  39. As my boss used to say, “You’re one of our top motherfuckers.” Right before he killed all those snakes on that plane.

    (Ok, it was at a newspaper, but seriously, he used to say that.)

  40. I don’t think you even need a resume. You get the call or email. You say, “I’m #3 search result for motherfucker.” Is there even a need for an interview?

  41. You’ve got the hamsters in my brain running on the wheel… I think the very thing that will vault me into super-stardom is this: I shall find me an obscure invective – one that hasn’t been claimed by any of you “popular bloggers” (I put the quotes around there because I totally used a condescending, sarcastic voice when I said that in my head) and then I shall use the hell out of my new phrase until it propels me to the #1 position on a google search! Yes! Once I do that, I just know all the crazy, unstable, weird people who search for that will end up in MY lap!!!

    Oh, wait. Re-thinking…

    Damn hamsters.

  42. I get a lot of “alien penis” and “phat ass” on my site. It’s sort of creepy and sort of awesome. I mean- who knew I had alien penis over there? Not me.

    Of course, now that I’ve put this in your comments- YOU’LL get all my alien penis traffic and I’ll go back to just getting boring search results. Motherfucker.

  43. People used to find me by searching gnome sex toys. I’m not sure if those are sex toys FOR gnomes or sex toys shaped like gnomes.

    Either way, I’m intrigued.

  44. 59 people got a box in the mail filled with body parts?

    ARhghhghghghgh!!! Fucking PR people always sending to the same people on the same damn list over and over again and I am NEVER ON THE DAMN LIST!

    Not. Fair.

  45. I would rather get mother fucker than the one I had last week. Some one is Asia found my blog by Googling “DIY Explosives” – I’m still expecting homeland security to kick my door in any day now.

  46. Can you please make a bumper sticker with that screenshot? Or a bumper sticker that says: #3 on Google search result for Motherfucker. What have YOU accomplished lately?

  47. I think my favorite is the dead whores one. I mean WTH?? That is so hilarious! According to Sitemeter EVERYBODY comes to my blog via the search for Nike Quotes. I’m starting to think Sitemeter is lying to me.

  48. Mine is #2 for ‘banoffee pie recipe’. I am so rock-n-roll.

    Also #2 for ‘naked grandfather’. Awesome. I have never blogged about naked grandfathers, people!

    There are some sick mother fuckers out there.

  49. I’m totally jealous. You’re a top mother fucker and apparently I’m some sort of Ghostbusters spin off:

    “+movie +blender +”green liquid” +imaginary -rental -cottage”

    Too bad about the rental cottage, that would have made things interesting.

  50. I don’t know what meth can do to your vagina, but I DO know what weed can do to it. Have you ever heard of “cotton mouth”? Well, in my sex educator training I learned that weed can give you “cotton butt” or “cotton vagina.” Hence, lube is an absolute must. I don’t know if this of use to you now, but you never know. Crap…am I posting this on the wrong blog?!

  51. Did you get any searches for the correct “Motherfucker”?

    It never gets boring to check those google searches. And every time I do it I get the the strangest feeling that maybe it should be wise to do something about it.

  52. Do you get any searches for the correct “Motherfucker”?

    It never gets boring to check those google searches. And every time I do it I get the strangest feeling that maybe it would be wise to do something about that.

  53. I think that one search was actually mis-heard, instead they meant to say “It is truly comforting, and I expect your next posts to be about a dead horse.” So, no matter what you do, don’t get Hailey a pony!

    ~EdT.

  54. I’m caught between being completely freaked out and fits of hysterical laughter. I just installed Google Analytic to my blog to see how people ‘accidentally’ find my blog, so far, nothing that’s not legit. But, thats probably because I’ve only had 4 viewers since I installed it.

    In any case, I’m sure the respecters of dead whores got something out of your website. Though maybe not the kind of technical solutions there looking for. Life advice and humor instead! Maybe you should be proud (and concerned) that your blog reaches out to some of the stranger people in society?

    Or maybe just a bit scared.

    AND on the bright side it seems that you have evidence to prove that the viewers of your blog are never going to assault you with pictures of dead baby parts. If you interpret what people type into Google as confessions. For people who aren’t catholic. OR maybe exactly for people who are catholic but too embarrassed to tell their priest about what there not going to do or are going to do? I don’t know, im agnostic. And going off in tangents. Please don’t hate me!

    xoxo

  55. Of all the hip hop artists who could have come up under that search, you came up third? But I guess “mother fucker” is a little too polite for rap. I bet Kanye comes up first under “mothafucka”. Now THAT is something to shoot for, lady.

  56. I must know what Meth does to your Vagina. I don’t know much about meth but I do know about vaginas, mainly cause I have one. Do you typically put Meth IN your vagina for it to work? If so I would probably stick with pot. You can make brownies with that. I wouldn’t reccomend putting brownies in your vagina, just saying.

  57. Awesome. You’re just below Wikipedia and the Urban Dictionary. I’ve always wanted to be in the top search results for Mother fucker. Now I know what to shoot for. Thanks.

  58. “George Edward Alcorn of dead cats”? You’re more like the John Quincy Adams of mother fuckers. Which, in my history book, is WAY more impressive.

  59. Huh. I know your Google search results change based on your location, but now I’m worried. My first two results were the same- makes sense, the internet is everywhere- but my third was a YouTube result for a Leaf song and my fourth was a porn site. Though one of the main things to do in this town is go to the Adult Store, so I guess that might make sense after all.

  60. Your search terms rock. A lot of my searchers seem to be actually looking for my blog, especially the one where I sort of made fun of our local vacation bible school. Ooops.

  61. That should be listed in the Thesaurus under “Awesome”.

    My best hit was “frottage ball-stabbing”. I guess what I find most disconcerting is that my blog didn’t even make Google’s Top Ten.

  62. OMG! i SO beat you (for once, in all eternity)

    after reading your post i tried to locate that keyword thing. #3 on my list is “old mature dirty grannies giving head clips”

    I am SO not making this up, y’all, couldn’t even if i wanted to, (just not that creative)

    although I am slowly coming around to the realization maybe I should not be so proud about this…..

  63. oh man you are #3 for mother fucker. that’s most impressive. i’d put that shit on my resume if i had one too. thanks for the laugh today this post was exactly what i needed.

  64. Way late to the party (as usual), but I had to share – for a loooong while a now-defunct blog of mine was #1 for “psychotic in-laws”. Yep, highlight of my life.

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