It’s not actually *surprising* but it still stings a bit.

You know how on twitter there’s that link on your sidebar that tells you who else is similar to you that you should follow?  This is what happens when I click on that:

Ow, twitter. Just...ow.

So basically I’m so inappropriate that even twitter is all “No. It’s just you.”  Which?  I’m pretty sure it’s not just me because last week one of the trending topics on twitter was “diarrhea herpes”, which is (first of all) pretty indicative of the level of discourse on twitter and secondly, sounds like the worst herpes ever.   Unless all herpes cause diarrhea.  In which case I totally understand now why people don’t want to have herpes.  That sounds awful. And now I feel bad for complaining here about twitter pointing out that I’m an incurable misfit when there are people are suffering from serious problems, like diarrhea herpes.

Okay, you know what?  Perspective.  I have it now.

Just ignore me.

Comment of the day: Diarrhea herpes isn’t as bad as it sounds.
On a related note, I really wish my backspace key wasn’t broken. ~ moooooog35

83 thoughts on “It’s not actually *surprising* but it still stings a bit.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. It is also possible that there is just no one else out there who can come up with things that are half as brilliant as what you tweet.

    Or what you said.

    Who knows.

  2. Somewhat related: Twitter keeps telling me that the “people like me” also happen to be people who tweet, quite possibly, the most boring tweets ever. Like, take Paris Hilton’s Twitter archives, attach them to the name of a nobody, and that’s me in a nutshell according to Twitter.

    It can always be worse.

  3. They’re not sorry. Look at the way they wrote “Sorry!” What a bunch of mocking, condescending, assholes. And that Twitter bird. He’s the worst of them. You know he just lives to see people fail.

  4. Twitter just can’t seem to figure you out. They got Phd’s and Nasa scientists working to analyze your Twitter feed as we speak. 😀

  5. i have an ex-friend who got turned down for one of those huge online mating services, how humiliating, and she made the mistake of telling me, not knowing we would be ex-friends one day, my fault, i should have stopped her coz i knew… anyway, now i get to make her famous on your bloggy 🙂

  6. Psh. People are too busy talking about their diarrhea herpes they got from all the tweeting about eating sandwiches. I LOVE your twitter—it helps me get through some of the most trying times of the day! The real pity is that there weren’t anymore results on that search.

    “Life’s a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!” —Auntie Mame

  7. Apparently Twitter thinks I’m similar to something that advertises itself as “The finest butcher shop in the western burbs!!!”, has 3 followers, and has never sent any tweets. I feel so honored.

  8. Screw the world series, I read your blog. Usually when I look at my recommended tweeters they’re famous people. They must be all crazy because all I talk about is my life being bipolar.
    I should be a psychologist.
    I could be a therapist to the stars, seeing as how they’re all nuts..

  9. 🙂 this really is a good thing, it just means you are special, like me.

    can you believe when my mother told me those same words (that I am handsome AND special in a good way) I did not believe her?

    we’re special you and I

  10. At least they didn’t compare you to a flying whale with diarrhea herpes. Was that too abstract? Perhaps. I think your just too “special” to be like anyone else.

  11. Hey, I just checked on mine, because I didn’t know that even function existed til your post and MINE is Tanis Miller… redneckmommy…. so yeah, I feel pretty awesome. Because she??? Epitome of awesome.

  12. *sigh* I hadn’t even noticed this feature on twitter, so I went and checked and got told that @RobardCorp was similar to me. I was quite excited because at first I thought it was RobotCop and I was all YAY I am like a robot policewoman then I saw that it was a weight loss thingy. Thanks for nothing Twitter.

  13. If it makes you feel any better, twitter compared me to a super conservative Church of Christ person and the webcomic artist Jeph Jacques.

    I didn’t really know what to think about that, but I’m pretty sure Twitter’s stupid.

  14. I saw the “diarrhea herpes” trend in the feed… I was laughing uncontrollably for several days… and now I am laughing again……….

  15. After all these hundreds of years of my not giving a damn about the fucking world series, they still bother yo have that shit on the tv?

    You win, Baby. Mu h rather read you than wat h several hours of nothing happening…screw them.

  16. Sorry my sucky iphone likes to skip relatively important letters in order to make melook more stupid thAn ever. How do i send a text from 2 oj cans & a string??

  17. Yep, you are truly “one of a kind”!! Truly it’s a compliment–we all want to be as funny and original as you!!!

  18. Twitter just can’t keep up with your superior wit.
    Or a snail with down syndrome. On tranquilizers. In mud.
    This is how mentally stimulating I find it.
    Mind you, I still have an account, and I still update it… so really, I might not be the best one to judge who has a syndrome.
    Le sigh.

  19. But wait!!! So weird that you would post this today.

    Just yesterday, I noticed that Twitter said you and I were similar. And tonight, I wrote a post about it!

    (Also published after midnight on a Saturday – brilliant blogging strategy, that!)

    I don’t want you to feel alone! Let’s go shopping together!

  20. It could be your so original and innovating that they don’t have a category that fits you!! At least that’s what my mother told me all through high school… 🙂

  21. Dude, all that means is that twitter has recognized that you are the most awesome. It’s going to take a while for the rest of us to become worthy of your attention. *YOU WIN.*
    Imagine what it’s like for poor @AllieBrosh being compared with @09thehippy. Now that shit has gotta sting. Remember that you are LOVED.

    PS. Thanks for the run of late posts. AUSTRALIA is appreciative.

  22. –>More appropriately it should have been “Justin Bieber causes diarrhea herpes.” I’ll just assume it was the limitations of 140 characters.

  23. Apparently Twitter has gotten lazy, and can’t be bothered to analyze your complex personality to find you some friends.

    Also, who HASN’T gotten diarrhea herpes. It’s like chicken pox in that way. Wait, it’s not? Damn.

  24. This blog’s only a recent discovery for me – and I like it, but lady…there’s a bizarre degree of ass-kissing going down in these comments. Truly. It feels higher than average. Do you love it? I would love it. But I’d pretend that it wearied me. You should consider campaigning for a talk show.


  25. I got Leonard Nimoy, Kanye West and Jesus. I’m reasonably sure there’s no actual method to who they recommend. Just be glad they’re not trying to get you to follow Kanye West.

  26. I tried twitter a full 1 follower from a friend. Yeah, my life is completely boring. Who wants to hear what the crazy lady I take care of has put in the fridge or toilet today..or maybe I just sucked at tweeting.

  27. It means you are already following all the weird yet surprisingly cool and sexy people who are like you. Yeah that’s what it means.

  28. It just means that you have already found all of your kindred spirits on face. You are so amazing that you found and followed them without Twitter’s help. You are so totally smarter than twitter!

  29. Diarrhea Herpes was a saint who lived in the late fifth century in Thracia. She was a personal friend of the Roman Emperor Justinian and took care of his cats. One day Justinian got pissed off at her and let the lions play with her. She died. She was canonized in 893.

  30. Jenny, maybe the reason there are no others who Tweet about the same stuff that you do is because you are unique. And Awesome. And besides, who gets bitten in the face by a dead fox while playing “dress up as a hooker” with their BFF?


  31. So there is no one else like you…. That’s good, right?

    Not so sure about the link between diarrhoea and the backspace key….

  32. “And besides, who gets bitten in the face by a dead fox while playing “dress up as a hooker” with their BFF?”

    Obviously, I meant that to read “And besides, who else gets bitten in the face by a dead fox while playing “dress up as a hooker” with their BFF?”


  33. And BTW, I think “Diarrhea Herpes” was the subtitle of the season finale of “Jersey Shores”. Or maybe it was a new life form they found in the hot tub.


  34. It used to be that spending a Friday night home alone was sufficient to remind us we were losers. Now we have the internet to repeat it over and over and over and over to us. Can we go back to the 50s? Not that I ever lived in the 50s, but come on, Happy Days?

  35. Listen up sister! This just means that no one can compare to you…..evah! You are one of a kind! Also? Yet again you will ge the *coveted* hits now when someone searches for “diarrhea herpes” – for that I’m jealous.

  36. Dude. Do you know how many of us *wish* we were original enough that the Twitter algorithm was at a loss when it came to predicting us?
    You’re unique.
    And we all love you for that.
    (and for your nsfw wit) 🙂

  37. My, my Twitter has become passive aggresively competitive with you. I suspect their next move is to tell you they are “Fine, fine.” when you contact them.

  38. Those people with diarrhea herpes are just wimps. It’s not like they have gangrene, now that’s some awful shit. Instead of running to the bathroom every 3 seconds you can’t run at all for fear that a limb could just fall off and then you wouldn’t realize it because you were late for an appointment and by the time you made it where ever you needed to go you would go to get out your notebook and be all “Fuck I just lost my left arm! Not again!”

  39. Mine always tells me to follow people I’m already following. I guess I’m supposed to follow them TWICE?!

  40. Diarrhea herpes?

    Sounds like something I’d wish on my ex-boyfriend.
    …With a side of crabs.

  41. Just wondering how diarrhea herpes gets transmitted – it sounds like the combo should kind of kill the romantic mood for all parties present, ya know?

  42. I thought diarrhea herpes was like a crazy spattering of herpes – kind of like an explosion of them. The actual definition is more sensible. Who doesn’t want diarrhea? I love it because it makes me feel skinny and hopeful.

    The words of wisdom you share with others on this blog are valuable. If I had children, this would be their education.

  43. I read diarrhea herpes, but somehow it spun out in my brain as DIAPER herpes, which immediately made me think of David Vitter and throw up in my mouth.

    So it could be worse.

  44. Note to self: Stab Moooooog35 first upon seeing The Bloggess’ post. After that guy, there is no point in my commenting here. He’s like the end-all guy. And he complains about having diarrhea herpes?

    p.s. SO EXCITED for the first time I just typed out diarrhea and there was no red line under it! Woohoo! You ARE educational!

  45. I read your blog all the time and think, ‘holy hell she lives in texas. I live in texas, were prolly neighbors OMG!!!! ‘ and then i relize a few things. A; your house is way nice and i think i would notice that towering over all the redneck trailers i live next to. and B: Texas is hella huge.
    Buuuuut i just googled that town and its only 30 min away.
    I’m going to have to get my cripple rear end out of the house and go exploring it looks wonderis.

  46. I wonder what other diseases are out there that we don’t know about yet.

    “Hi, my name is Deb and I have hangnail bubonic plague. Do you think I could bypass this triage business and see a doctor immediately? The hangnail is on my primary typing finger.”

    On a completely unrelated note, what do you do when it’s 1:30 am, you can’t find your nail-clippers, all stores in the vicinity are closed, and you have a really bad hangnail?

    Also, is the plague treatable these days? Because my fingertip is swelling up and turning really dark purple, and I think dark swellings were one of the marks of the plague.

    By the way, this is on the finger with the hangnail. Which can mean only one thing: the hangnail bubonic plague is REAL. Heed my possibly last words, for the triage nurse doesn’t seem to believe the evidence I’m presenting her. You’d think she’d want me and everyone else in the room to die– lady, a third of Europe died of the plague: this shit is CONTAGIOUS!

    Invent not, children, lest the Lord realize your inventions… and bring a plague upon Cambridge, Mass.

  47. This entry made me cross my legs defensively, much like that grotesque scene from Silent Hill or the movie Teeth. It is that powerful, Bloggess. This is why no one has reached your standards on Twitter. They don’t have THE POWERS.

  48. Okay…

    IF is EXACTLY like the Bloggess
    Then you MAY follow her on twitter…but you will need a translator.

    She writes on her blog
    Hey there! I’m Intan and I’m a self proclaimed supermummy though in reality I pretend to sleep when my kids start crying in the middle of the night. This is my blog and I write what I want and I might bore you to death with my rantings. But really, I am a nice person. Glad to have you here:)

    She has this conspicuously blank spot titled:
    Supermummy loves this people!

    You could be the first.

  49. You’re just too damn awesome for anyone to be compared to you. Sorry you’re so great.

    It took three tries for me to type you’re correctly. I think late last night when the power was flickering on and off and my motion sensor light wouldn’t turn off even though we had no power, a zombie came in and took the piece of my brain that types well. That’s pretty rude.

  50. OK, let me explain all about ‘diarrhea herpes’.
    First, let me explain that I am a doctor (LIE)
    OK… a doctor of language (BIGGER LIE)
    Next, it is interesting to note that back in England, where I was born, raised, and escaped, we spell it ‘diarrhoea’ (LIE – not at all interesting)
    Actually, we spell it ‘diarrhœa’, (with the funny fused o and e) because we are quite archaic, and love to use diphthongs. And let’s face it, the word ‘diphthong’ is a brilliant word that needs to be used a heck of a lot more in this world. (TRUE)
    Diarrhea herpes is actually herpes that only affects your diarrhea, and is caused by taking such horrific care of your diphthong, that it disintegrates, causing herpes infiltration. (PROBABLY TRUE)
    Simple. (LIE)

  51. Wait, didn’t you say you and Victor were working out how to open a meth lab of your own? I thought that’s why you were at the ghostown, staking out locations. I thought it was a good place to start; tumbleweeds make great natural camoflage for those narrow basement windows so popular with midwest basement meth labs these days. -because you expect to see them, especially in Texas. (Tumbleweeds, not meth labs. If you were in, say Utah, it would be the opposite. Natch)

    When we (your loyal readers) didn’t hear from you I assumed that equiping and maintaining a meth lab is very time consuming. Like maybe you’re too busy trying to find enough cold medicine to get your lab going, while being careful to spread out your purchases between stores so as to not arouse too much suspician.
    “Ma’am, 18 packages of cold medicine? Exactly how many colds do you have?”
    “Um, ith noth juth my nosth.”
    “You don’t say. Where else is it?”
    “Um (thinking fast) It’sth inth my faguynath ”
    “My faguynath”
    “Your… faguy-”
    “My faguynath” (you must point, at this point)
    “Oh, your- REALLY? It can get a cold?”
    “Yeth, really. And my anuth too every orithith. Wanna thee?”
    They won’t wanna thee your anuth. Or any other orithith of yours. Guess who just scored 18 boxes of cold medicine without the counterperson tipping off the fuzz? You did, baby, you did.

    Next week’s tip: How to distribute without the Sons of Anarchy bikers putting their boots in your anuth

  52. You are awesome and one of a kind.

    However, I feel that if more people tweeted, you’d have more tweet-alikes.

    For example:
    Henry XIII (I mean, don’t hate the player, hate the game)
    Marilyn Monroe (Her blog would have kicked Perez Hilton’s behind. Hard.)
    Kermit (It ain’t easy being green)
    Charles Manson (Come on, you know you’d read that.)

  53. Diarrhea herpes sounds REALLY bad. Just sayin’.

    Keep on being inappropriate and please don’t catch diarrhea. Or herpes.

  54. Clearly, there are a whole lot of us out here who relate to your particular brand of peculiarity and find it utterly captivating, so not to worrry!

  55. I, on the other hand, just misspelled my own name in that last post (geez … is there a pill for this?) ..

  56. Well, clearly Twitter is defective. They don’t even bother with this function for me. I think they secretly wish I was in this on my own. I also think they don’t want me to recruit any more people to my cult.

    Butterfly kisses

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