Last night I got back from a quick trip to Central America that was so completely fucked-up that I have a hard time believing myself even though I lived it. So I’m having to process pictures because I really need some sort of proof that it actually happened and it’s taking forever to download them all so for now I’m just going to post my 3-days-late weekly wrap-up:
What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):
- Honestly? I kind of want to buy the Big Lebowski one.
What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
What you missed on Ill-Advised:
What you missed on the internets:
- Got my copy of The Beauty of Different. Made me cry a bit.
- I don’t know. I suck. I’ve been out of the country. Did you see something awesome this week? Leave it in the comments, people.
96 thoughts on “I’m back. Sort of.”
Read comments below or add one.
You were missed. Apparently I’ve pissed off a bunch of people because my email has remained empty for the last week. It’s the only explanation I can come up with. I’ve already sent myself a million test emails, so it’s totally working. I just suck too I guess.
I saw this and immediately thought that you would enjoy it.
Well there was the whole “Amazon is selling a how-to guide for pedophiles” debacle. That is until Moms got all a-twitter and they took it down. Douche bag was even interviewed on CNN.
But other than that, I don’t really get out much since I’m a graphic designer and am usually knee deep in php coding hell.
I cannot wait to see the proof of your Central American hell trip. That may make my Thanksgiving a little more fun. Did you get kidnapped or nearly kidnapped by Sandinistas?
HA!! I’m the number two comment6! One day I will have the top spot. 😛
I can’t wait to read about your trip. I’ve learned I need to have one of my daughter’s diapers at the ready when I read your posts so I don’t pee myself. She’s napping now and since she’s been acting possessed all day, I’ll just wait to read your other posts when I can grab one of her huggies overnight dipes in her room. 😉
I saw something awesome last weekend but it wasn’t in a blog. I tried to take a picture of it, but nothing came out. And I was off my medication, so it might not have been real. But it was awesome.
Central America. I have relatives from an “out of wedlock” fling one of my great-great-great etc. Uncles had in Tabogo, Panama so its almost like home to me. Except for the giardia. That wasn’t like home at all. But now we keep up on Facebook so good times. Am I rambling here? Sorry.
I want my picture on a stamp. It doesn’t even have to be an important stamp like a wedding stamp, I would be happy to be the photo for the stamp for bills. I could be holding up some dollars and crying. Yeah, that would be good.
Keep up the fun writing! You are an inspiration!
I walked outside of a building on my campus, and into a very windy afternoon. I saw an older man holding his head. At first I just thought he didn’t want his hair to get messed up. Then his hair blew off.
Jumping Rob – the best/worst viral Pattinson ever.
This is awesome:
… and #PassiveAggressiveHeavyMetal on Twitter is keeping me occupied.
Wait, they let you IN to Central America? Thank God they let you back out. Oh wait… did they ask you to leave? Spill it sister!
Oh, and here is a phone text I received:
“WHEN U ALREADY START READING THIS DONT STOP OR ELSE SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN…MY NAME IS JENNY…I AM 7 YEARS OLD WITH RED/ORANGE HAIR, ,MY MOTHER BEATS ME I LIVE IN A CELL WITH NO WINDOWS DOORS AND NO LIGHT, I HAVE RED SCARY EYES AND IHAVE NO NOSE OR EARS. I AM DEAD. IF YOU DONT SEND TH…IS TO 8PPL B4 U GO TO BED I WILL APPEAR 2NIGHT WITH A DULL MACHETI AND HACK UR HEAD OFF. THIS IS No JOKE SOMEHTING GOOD WILL HAPPEN TO U AT 10:22 SOMEONE WILL CALL YOU OR TALK TO YOU ONLINE AND SAY I LOVE YOU OR ASK YOU OUT BUT HERES THE CATCH, YOU HAVE TO SEND IT TO 8 DIFFERENT PEOPLE…NO SENDBACKS!!Im so sorry i have to send it but no offence but i dont wann be stuck with it.”
Best random text, EVAH!
If I had not actually met you and was able to see for myself that you are a genuine, living person, I would think you were a ghost, blogging from the Great Beyond. Because seriously, you start off posts like “oh, hi there – just got back from Central America, yo” You crack me up, Jenny.
Please don’t change.
If you didn’t go to Central American, and it’s just an overdose of cold meds talking, I REALLY can’t wait to see these pictures!
Also, what cold meds are you taking? 😉
Ooooooh, Central America! Now you probably speak Spanish and shit. Right?
You were missed, Jenny! Glad you got back safe & sound. Very very very much looking forward to your post about The Central America. 🙂
while you were gone I came up with a few new comic book character/beef jerky flavor names, but they all came out sounding kind of lame and non-threatening, except in a sexually disturbing way…
See what you think…
Oiled Indian Chief
Take It Sweet (this is what my girlfriend says to my dog when she gives him an ice cube)
Welcome back! I am glad you were not abducted, turned into a sex slave by a drug lord (who may or may not look like Christopher Walken) and did not fall into a mine (and were subsequently exposed for having mistresses). Congrats on Karen for her new book. AND I can’t wait to go home and watch the porno parody of Seinfeld. It blows one’s mind (if nothing else…)
Something is happening tomorrow: Jimmy Kimmel (my fav late night host) is urging people to unfriend people on Facebook. The day for action, “National Unfriend Day” or NUD, is tomorrow. He’s been doing a lot of segment featuring celebs which are hilarious. Here is one with Wolf Blitzer (sigh, I wish his last name really were Blitzen. How cool would that have been?!):
You can YouTube and find more. BUT I think you are going to love this one: the “theme song” for NUD by WAR “Why can’t we unfriend?”. Seriously, this is so awesome:
make your own Four Loko cuz that’s a good idea: http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/make-your-own-four-loko-homebrew
this guy is implanting a camera in his head for art: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703670004575617083483970398.html
Garfunkel and Oates-Pregnant Women are Smug.
Probably the best thing I heard all week.
I think you should look at it as a great accomplishment that you made it out of Central America without getting arrested or causing an international incident; you did didn’t you?
OMG, yes! I saw this and immediately thought of you. http://www.thinkgeek.com/homeoffice/gear/b9b2/. Would go nicely with your bloody bathtub pic.
I went to Disneyland while you were gone. Maybe we should compare pictures and see which place is more f-ed up… hint: I have a picture from inside a ride that says “Love Beads”
I’ve learned so much about porn and parodies. Sweet and I thank you!
Alternative version of Madeline:
Slightly disturbing but fully awesome. 😀
Do they have samurai swords in central america?
Sadly, I have no awesomeness to report at this juncture. Although I could report a number of truly fucked up things; but usually people have enough of their own.
And now the curiosity is piqued! I mean, what could possibly be THAT fucked up that it would shock The BLOGGESS?!? That has to be seriously wild.
THIS video is awesome! it is hitler against vader. i love it.
Looks like you missed the classic Star Trek porn parody. Which I may or may not have seen. (Does my mom read this blog?)
After seeing the little person/midget/dwarf tweets, I’m so excited to read your road trip recap.
I haven’t seen anything awesome this week, but I’m glad to see another post go up. It is very difficult trying to get through my day if I don’t get to read The Blogess in the morning. I’m telling you, this stuff is better than the morning paper.
just had to say that I bought 2 copies of Beauty of Different (one for my sister, and one for my 14 year old daughter) and I can’t wait to hear their reactions!
Awesome things (although not new just this week):
1: In the vein of The Beauty of Different: http://imdownwithyou.com
2: just all-round awesomeness: http://muslimswearingthings.tumblr.com
You have taken WAY too many short trips. Time for a very long one. Tropical. You can blog from any beach, just saying. (and have)
I personally didn’t see a thing, but while you were away Our Government fondled everyone’s junk and grabbed black and white pictures of those who got away.
Evidently, there is a fine for not having your junk fondled of $10,000.
I, being from an older time, seem to recall paying to have my junk fondled, but never being required by the government to pay to avoid it. I conclude that some functions in society are better left in private hands, IYNWIMAITYD.
What a topsey-turvey world it has become – just in the one weekend you were away.
Our Government’s next reported move is to reach down your pants or require skirt removals – just in case the goods aren’t in proper focus.
Oh, those zany unelected bureaucrats! What will they come up with next?
Otherwise, no. You didn’t miss much. A pretty quiet weekend overall. Except for the surprise win by the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday!
Yay!! I have felt like a stalker lately because I’ve been checking your blog several times per day to see if you’d posted anything! Now you’re back!! Yipeeeee!
I had NO IDEA they put that much work into p0rn these days! The actors are actually acting! The sets, the direction, the editing, the sound… who knew?!
Here’s something awesome, if you are a creepy TSA screener. Or a pedophile. For the rest of us, it probably falls a lot closer to “awful”:
YES. Steam Me Up, Kid and Dead Wasp Theater.
Also? Someone on twitter posted this Michael Caine argument:
Damn You AutoCorrect is my new favorite site. Especially this one
And I don’t even have an iPhone.
Fail! I count on you to wrap up my weeks with crazy shit you find on the interwebs. Now I have to go look for it myself.
But I will help….
Man, Texas is vain: http://platerhater.tumblr.com/
I love Gary and Elaine: http://catalogliving.net/
I still love you, you know.
This week I found out from the Kate takes 5 blog, that in Ireland, the government has screwed them over completley. However, they are sending everyone free cheese for Christimas. I am not making this up. It is hilarious.
Here is her blog address: http:katetakes5.blogspot.com
Wow, I messed up the blog address and the spelling of Christmas.
I’m going to try again. Seriously, though, I’m not sure how to make this a link. Sorry.
You missed 900+ of the stupidest people ever to comment on the CNN story regarding the gay pastor in Georgia coming out of the closet. Highlights include a debate on the sexuality of Jesus, the tale of the ‘gay spirit’ who goes around possessing people, why all gay people should jump off bridges (this said by a devout Christian) and clever one-liners like: ‘The Bible says we are supposed to have fruits of the spirit, not be a fruit in the spirit.’ But really, the one that made me pee my pants for real was the guy who simply said ‘God does not exist, you freaking retards.’
Damn. If you allowed anonymous comments, I’d totally link to you my last blog post, where my husband re-wired my broken vibrator and now I’m worried it will electrocute me, anonymously, and be all like “Hey, this is sooo funny!” and pretend that it was one of my gazillion of fans linking it and not me.
But you don’t. So I won’t.
Sure you traveled the world. But I, this mom went to Cracker Barrel. Have you been there? Am I the last Cracker Barrel Virgin alive? Why didn’t anyone tell me? The place was…an experience. Betcha ur jealous, aren’t cha?
I saw a bald eagle this week. In the air, not in google images. That’s all I’ve got.
I can’t wait to read about your trip. I learned I really am clairvoyant tonight, but only when it concerns my mother! I’m working on lottery numbers now. I don’t have high hopes for that one though. I think you actually have to buy lottery tickets for that to work.
Well the only thing I’ve done this week that is vaguely related to central America is watch that one episode of Breaking Bad with the turtle/tortoise. It’s um, “interesting”.
Go to the Jay Is Games website (I don’t know the URL, I just type j into the URL bar and it comes up). One of the flash games from the latest competition made me cry.
I could share my entire bookmark catalogue (including all the blogs I cbf working out how to subscribe to), but let’s just start with http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/astropix.html
Because today’s picture (the one with the frosted leaf) is pretty. The long-exposure ground pictures and nebulae are the prettiest.
Looking forward to this Central America blog post though.
One of my favourite bloggers hatched a duck egg in her bra. I thought that was pretty awesome. 🙂
Oh and welcome back. I should have said that first. Sorry
“I got back from a quick trip to Central America that was so completely fucked-up that I have a hard time believing myself even though I lived it” — any person who’s ever been to Central America ever.
Regarding “Taming Tempers with Arson”…I am so afraid of leg eatting fairies right now…do you think spraying off on my legs would keep them away? Great. Add fairies to the list with clowns of things I am irrationally afraid of. Oh, and add Barbies spontaneously combusting.
I got my ass kicked by a fifteen-year-old kid at my new karate class last night. That was kind of awesome in an inverse mathematical way.
Central America is no place for white girls from Middle America.
(You just have your ‘mericas confused dude!)
If you wanted to see scary people in total safety go to a Tea Party rally.
–>You have been misssed.
We have a huge hole in our backyard that I *may* have almost fell in over the weekend after a few drinks. Link to pictures is attached to this comment.
But… the parody porns… why would you need to make a porn of True Blood? It’s practically porn on it’s own! Have they ever even WATCHED the show? I mean, what’s the point really?
So, LOVE the postage montage.
p.s. to HeatherY: at 10:22 I started my period…??
Have you heard about the TSA’s new policy that everyone must be willing to be either be x-rayed or groped if they want to go through US airports? They are literally groping children and grabbing men’s jewels – under the undies.
23 years of The Bold and the Beautiful in six minutes.
Gonna have to agree with Caitlin (waaaay back up there where more efficient people leave comments) – Jumping Rob FTMFW!
If by awesome you mean totally horrible and repulsive then yes, I have seen something: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyWKlxNAh30
I saw a colleague vomit out his nose. That was pretty awful. Oh wait, you wan’ted “awesome”, didn’t you? Sorry, I got nothin’.
Since you’re a Neil Gaiman fan, you might like this: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2024077040/neil-gaimans-the-price
Okay, I make quick trips to the grocery store and the mall. I do not make quick trips to Central America. I cannot wait to hear the story attached to this.
Katie K – LMFAO!
Sometimes your commenters scare the snot outta me.
OOOoooh! elmoreal! Just watched it – so cool! Maybe Mrs. Lawson will promote it – since it’s at $65,560 pledged of $150,000 goal – with only 13 days to go and will only be funded if at least $150,000 is pledged by Wednesday Dec 1, 2:59am EST.
I’ve never read Gaiman’s, “The Price” – but since Gaiman endorsed the video, and it looks so cool – it would be a shame if Christopher Salmon couldn’t finish it.
I don’t know how I ended up on this odd Russian photo blog site but it reminded me of you. Which given the old-lady-doing-strange-things subject matter may seem less than flattering BUT TRUST ME IT IS.
So I took a quiz on facebook about how long one could possibly survive a zombie apocalypse. The quiz told me that I was, “A. True. Hero.” I’m a fucking hero…AND survived zombie terror. I. Am. Awesome!
Man, I think the best thing I’ve seen on the internetz is this comments section which has successfully distracted me for an hour and a half by providing me with WAAAYYYY to many links to click.
I also just spent way to much money buying unicorn meat In can. Stop judging me it’s for my GRANDPARENTS for CHRISTMAS http://www.thinkgeek.com/caffeine/wacky-edibles/e5a7/
I’m afraid to watch a porn parody of The Big Lebowski. If I remember correctly, they drink white russians in that movie, and I don’t want to know how they make them in the porn parody.
Damn, You Auto Correct made me pee my pants laughing. Or maybe it’s my failure to stick to a kegel routine.
You were missed, glad you are back safe and sane, look forward to reading about yoru adventures.
What did you miss? Celebs and professional athletes are adulterous douchebags, politicians are dancing douchebags, Prince WIilliam is getting married and was too cheap to pop for a ring. Not much new!
Here ya go. Funny brain fodder. Beware, it sticks.
Can’t wait to see/hear of your travels. Oh, and welcome back from your medicated haze. ;0)
I see awesome shit all the time. Unfortunately it’s usually the result of an alcohol induced hallucinations. *sigh*
So I posted both of these to twitter but I thought it was my duty to share them with more people and you. Especially you. Actually, only you. So if everyone else here could just close your eyes and count to ten that would be really nice. Not to mention respectable.
Thank you. 😉
Because I care. A lot.
I just hope you weren’t in that exploding hotel. Unless by Central America, you mean Ohio.
I am sure I saw something awesome, but I can’t remember. It probably had something to do with Grandgirlies, Zombie Finger Puppets, and a cat. Maybe all together, and maybe two cats.
I totally thought of you when I saw this and tried to tweet it to you last week. So I will try one more time here.
It is gorgeous and you will love it.
Somebody earlier in the comments posted her last blog title as A SAUCERFUL OF SECRETS, which as the coolest of you know is a PINK FLOYD album. Being a devout Floydist I went to check it out and was hugely disappointed to find it had zip to do with one of the best bands ever. Blashpemy! (Instead it was something about gay rights and children. Wot-Evah) It’s annoying enough to see spam posts in here like “I just peed myself cuz this video is so funny! Go see MyNotFunnyBullshitVid@douchecanoe.Youboob.com” Which though lame, is at least obvious about what it is and not tricksy (in a ring-thieving hobbits way).
This message brought to you by COCKTIP (Committe On Common Knowledge & Truth In Posting)
This is kind of infinitely awesome and it is ONLY 14 seconds long so anybody who watches it betters that 14 seconds of their life. It gets better the more you watch it…so my life has been bettered like 5 times already. I can feel the difference.
Did I see anything interesting? Not really. Though I was dumbfounded when the OED gave Sarah Palin’s non-word the annual honor of Word of the Year. Yeah, I smacked my forehead on that one.
My husband went to Central America on a surf trip. I told him that if he got kidnapped we were going to have a problem because the only way I could pay the ransom is if he was dead, which kind of sucked for him. He went with strict instructions to tell the kidnappers that I would need proof of his death and to send his head via mail. NOT his whole body because that’s expensive. Just his head. And if they would FedEx it to me even better because that way I could get the money quicker. After all, I have children and my new pool boy to feed. Oh, yeah, and I have to have a pool put in. It was a win-win situation in my book.
the x-files porn parody (and part 2 of it are apparently like wonderfully done and do the show justice…you know with the sex added and what not. Both that and the Big Lebowski porn star Kimberly Kane who although I’ve never seen in a porn I have a total crush on her. She seems cool and plays Scully n the x-files one and maude in the lebowski one which probably helps since I’m in love with Gillian Anderson and would totally get it on with maude.
ok I’m done now.
When should I be over to watch the lebowski one?
now I’m really done.
This week was the first time I got my hair to stick up just the right way on a night I was going out, so yes, I would say that I HAVE seen something awesome this week 🙂
Would have commented polyester, but I’ve been hooked on DamnYouAutoCorrect.
Polyester? Yesterday. Damn you, Autocorrect! *shakes fist*
When I saw this, I thought of you: http://www.vulva-original.com/de/
This week I found out what the offspring of a pickle and an antelope looks like… turns out the “pickleope” is pretty damn funny: http://pickleope.blogspot.com/
The National Geographic’s photo contest 2010. All kinds of awesome: http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/11/national_geographics_photograp.html#photo2
Okay, this is both cracked, and awesome….. Desert Bus. They play world’s worst video game, and raise money for charity doing it…. http://desertbus.org/