I’m back. Sort of.

Last night I got back from a quick trip to Central America that was so completely fucked-up that I have a hard time believing myself even though I lived it. So I’m having to process pictures because I really need some sort of proof that it actually happened and it’s taking forever to download them all so for now I’m just going to post my 3-days-late weekly wrap-up:

The travel version.

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on the internets:

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

  • I don’t know.  I suck.  I’ve been out of the country.  Did you see something awesome this week?  Leave it in the comments, people.

96 thoughts on “I’m back. Sort of.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You were missed. Apparently I’ve pissed off a bunch of people because my email has remained empty for the last week. It’s the only explanation I can come up with. I’ve already sent myself a million test emails, so it’s totally working. I just suck too I guess.

  2. Well there was the whole “Amazon is selling a how-to guide for pedophiles” debacle. That is until Moms got all a-twitter and they took it down. Douche bag was even interviewed on CNN.

    But other than that, I don’t really get out much since I’m a graphic designer and am usually knee deep in php coding hell.

    I cannot wait to see the proof of your Central American hell trip. That may make my Thanksgiving a little more fun. Did you get kidnapped or nearly kidnapped by Sandinistas?

  3. I can’t wait to read about your trip. I’ve learned I need to have one of my daughter’s diapers at the ready when I read your posts so I don’t pee myself. She’s napping now and since she’s been acting possessed all day, I’ll just wait to read your other posts when I can grab one of her huggies overnight dipes in her room. 😉

  4. I saw something awesome last weekend but it wasn’t in a blog. I tried to take a picture of it, but nothing came out. And I was off my medication, so it might not have been real. But it was awesome.

  5. Central America. I have relatives from an “out of wedlock” fling one of my great-great-great etc. Uncles had in Tabogo, Panama so its almost like home to me. Except for the giardia. That wasn’t like home at all. But now we keep up on Facebook so good times. Am I rambling here? Sorry.

  6. I want my picture on a stamp. It doesn’t even have to be an important stamp like a wedding stamp, I would be happy to be the photo for the stamp for bills. I could be holding up some dollars and crying. Yeah, that would be good.
    Keep up the fun writing! You are an inspiration!
    http://mothersofbrothersblog.blogspot.com
    MOV

  7. Oh, and here is a phone text I received:

    “WHEN U ALREADY START READING THIS DONT STOP OR ELSE SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN…MY NAME IS JENNY…I AM 7 YEARS OLD WITH RED/ORANGE HAIR, ,MY MOTHER BEATS ME I LIVE IN A CELL WITH NO WINDOWS DOORS AND NO LIGHT, I HAVE RED SCARY EYES AND IHAVE NO NOSE OR EARS. I AM DEAD. IF YOU DONT SEND TH…IS TO 8PPL B4 U GO TO BED I WILL APPEAR 2NIGHT WITH A DULL MACHETI AND HACK UR HEAD OFF. THIS IS No JOKE SOMEHTING GOOD WILL HAPPEN TO U AT 10:22 SOMEONE WILL CALL YOU OR TALK TO YOU ONLINE AND SAY I LOVE YOU OR ASK YOU OUT BUT HERES THE CATCH, YOU HAVE TO SEND IT TO 8 DIFFERENT PEOPLE…NO SENDBACKS!!Im so sorry i have to send it but no offence but i dont wann be stuck with it.”

    Best random text, EVAH!

  8. If I had not actually met you and was able to see for myself that you are a genuine, living person, I would think you were a ghost, blogging from the Great Beyond. Because seriously, you start off posts like “oh, hi there – just got back from Central America, yo” You crack me up, Jenny.

    Please don’t change.

  9. If you didn’t go to Central American, and it’s just an overdose of cold meds talking, I REALLY can’t wait to see these pictures!

    Also, what cold meds are you taking? 😉

  10. while you were gone I came up with a few new comic book character/beef jerky flavor names, but they all came out sounding kind of lame and non-threatening, except in a sexually disturbing way…

    See what you think…

    Veiney Cowboy
    Thrusty Tailor
    Oiled Indian Chief
    Mortican Underbite
    Lemmy’s Floss
    King Olives-For-Nipples
    Tricky Porkchop
    Take It Sweet (this is what my girlfriend says to my dog when she gives him an ice cube)

  11. Welcome back! I am glad you were not abducted, turned into a sex slave by a drug lord (who may or may not look like Christopher Walken) and did not fall into a mine (and were subsequently exposed for having mistresses). Congrats on Karen for her new book. AND I can’t wait to go home and watch the porno parody of Seinfeld. It blows one’s mind (if nothing else…)

    Something is happening tomorrow: Jimmy Kimmel (my fav late night host) is urging people to unfriend people on Facebook. The day for action, “National Unfriend Day” or NUD, is tomorrow. He’s been doing a lot of segment featuring celebs which are hilarious. Here is one with Wolf Blitzer (sigh, I wish his last name really were Blitzen. How cool would that have been?!):

    You can YouTube and find more. BUT I think you are going to love this one: the “theme song” for NUD by WAR “Why can’t we unfriend?”. Seriously, this is so awesome:

  12. I think you should look at it as a great accomplishment that you made it out of Central America without getting arrested or causing an international incident; you did didn’t you?

  13. I went to Disneyland while you were gone. Maybe we should compare pictures and see which place is more f-ed up… hint: I have a picture from inside a ride that says “Love Beads”

  14. Sadly, I have no awesomeness to report at this juncture. Although I could report a number of truly fucked up things; but usually people have enough of their own.

  15. And now the curiosity is piqued! I mean, what could possibly be THAT fucked up that it would shock The BLOGGESS?!? That has to be seriously wild.

    Anxiously awaiting.

  16. I haven’t seen anything awesome this week, but I’m glad to see another post go up. It is very difficult trying to get through my day if I don’t get to read The Blogess in the morning. I’m telling you, this stuff is better than the morning paper.

    Cheers,

    Matt

  17. just had to say that I bought 2 copies of Beauty of Different (one for my sister, and one for my 14 year old daughter) and I can’t wait to hear their reactions!

  18. You have taken WAY too many short trips. Time for a very long one. Tropical. You can blog from any beach, just saying. (and have)

  19. I personally didn’t see a thing, but while you were away Our Government fondled everyone’s junk and grabbed black and white pictures of those who got away.

    Evidently, there is a fine for not having your junk fondled of $10,000.
    I, being from an older time, seem to recall
    paying to have my junk fondled, but never being required by the government to pay to avoid it. I conclude that some functions in society are better left in private hands, IYNWIMAITYD.

    What a topsey-turvey world it has become – just in the one weekend you were away.

    Our Government’s next reported move is to reach down your pants or require skirt removals – just in case the goods aren’t in proper focus.

    Oh, those zany unelected bureaucrats! What will they come up with next?

    Otherwise, no. You didn’t miss much. A pretty quiet weekend overall. Except for the surprise win by the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday!

  20. Yay!! I have felt like a stalker lately because I’ve been checking your blog several times per day to see if you’d posted anything! Now you’re back!! Yipeeeee!

  21. I had NO IDEA they put that much work into p0rn these days! The actors are actually acting! The sets, the direction, the editing, the sound… who knew?!

  22. This week I found out from the Kate takes 5 blog, that in Ireland, the government has screwed them over completley. However, they are sending everyone free cheese for Christimas. I am not making this up. It is hilarious.

    Here is her blog address: http:katetakes5.blogspot.com

  23. You missed 900+ of the stupidest people ever to comment on the CNN story regarding the gay pastor in Georgia coming out of the closet. Highlights include a debate on the sexuality of Jesus, the tale of the ‘gay spirit’ who goes around possessing people, why all gay people should jump off bridges (this said by a devout Christian) and clever one-liners like: ‘The Bible says we are supposed to have fruits of the spirit, not be a fruit in the spirit.’ But really, the one that made me pee my pants for real was the guy who simply said ‘God does not exist, you freaking retards.’
    http://religion.blogs.cnn.com/2010/11/13/pastor-says-students-suicide-was-tipping-point-for-his-coming-out/#comments

  24. Damn. If you allowed anonymous comments, I’d totally link to you my last blog post, where my husband re-wired my broken vibrator and now I’m worried it will electrocute me, anonymously, and be all like “Hey, this is sooo funny!” and pretend that it was one of my gazillion of fans linking it and not me.

    But you don’t. So I won’t.

    Ner.

  25. Sure you traveled the world. But I, this mom went to Cracker Barrel. Have you been there? Am I the last Cracker Barrel Virgin alive? Why didn’t anyone tell me? The place was…an experience. Betcha ur jealous, aren’t cha?

  26. I can’t wait to read about your trip. I learned I really am clairvoyant tonight, but only when it concerns my mother! I’m working on lottery numbers now. I don’t have high hopes for that one though. I think you actually have to buy lottery tickets for that to work.

  27. Well the only thing I’ve done this week that is vaguely related to central America is watch that one episode of Breaking Bad with the turtle/tortoise. It’s um, “interesting”.

    Go to the Jay Is Games website (I don’t know the URL, I just type j into the URL bar and it comes up). One of the flash games from the latest competition made me cry.

    I could share my entire bookmark catalogue (including all the blogs I cbf working out how to subscribe to), but let’s just start with http://antwrp.gsfc.nasa.gov/apod/astropix.html
    Because today’s picture (the one with the frosted leaf) is pretty. The long-exposure ground pictures and nebulae are the prettiest.

    Looking forward to this Central America blog post though.

  28. “I got back from a quick trip to Central America that was so completely fucked-up that I have a hard time believing myself even though I lived it” — any person who’s ever been to Central America ever.

  29. Regarding “Taming Tempers with Arson”…I am so afraid of leg eatting fairies right now…do you think spraying off on my legs would keep them away? Great. Add fairies to the list with clowns of things I am irrationally afraid of. Oh, and add Barbies spontaneously combusting.

  30. Central America is no place for white girls from Middle America.
    (You just have your ‘mericas confused dude!)
    If you wanted to see scary people in total safety go to a Tea Party rally.

  31. –>You have been misssed.
    We have a huge hole in our backyard that I *may* have almost fell in over the weekend after a few drinks. Link to pictures is attached to this comment.

  32. But… the parody porns… why would you need to make a porn of True Blood? It’s practically porn on it’s own! Have they ever even WATCHED the show? I mean, what’s the point really?

  33. Have you heard about the TSA’s new policy that everyone must be willing to be either be x-rayed or groped if they want to go through US airports? They are literally groping children and grabbing men’s jewels – under the undies.

  34. Okay, I make quick trips to the grocery store and the mall. I do not make quick trips to Central America. I cannot wait to hear the story attached to this.

  35. OOOoooh! elmoreal! Just watched it – so cool! Maybe Mrs. Lawson will promote it – since it’s at $65,560 pledged of $150,000 goal – with only 13 days to go and will only be funded if at least $150,000 is pledged by Wednesday Dec 1, 2:59am EST.

    I’ve never read Gaiman’s, “The Price” – but since Gaiman endorsed the video, and it looks so cool – it would be a shame if Christopher Salmon couldn’t finish it.

  36. So I took a quiz on facebook about how long one could possibly survive a zombie apocalypse. The quiz told me that I was, “A. True. Hero.” I’m a fucking hero…AND survived zombie terror. I. Am. Awesome!

  37. I’m afraid to watch a porn parody of The Big Lebowski. If I remember correctly, they drink white russians in that movie, and I don’t want to know how they make them in the porn parody.

  38. You were missed, glad you are back safe and sane, look forward to reading about yoru adventures.

    What did you miss? Celebs and professional athletes are adulterous douchebags, politicians are dancing douchebags, Prince WIilliam is getting married and was too cheap to pop for a ring. Not much new!

  39. Here ya go. Funny brain fodder. Beware, it sticks.

    Can’t wait to see/hear of your travels. Oh, and welcome back from your medicated haze. ;0)

  40. I just hope you weren’t in that exploding hotel. Unless by Central America, you mean Ohio.

    I am sure I saw something awesome, but I can’t remember. It probably had something to do with Grandgirlies, Zombie Finger Puppets, and a cat. Maybe all together, and maybe two cats.

  41. Somebody earlier in the comments posted her last blog title as A SAUCERFUL OF SECRETS, which as the coolest of you know is a PINK FLOYD album. Being a devout Floydist I went to check it out and was hugely disappointed to find it had zip to do with one of the best bands ever. Blashpemy! (Instead it was something about gay rights and children. Wot-Evah) It’s annoying enough to see spam posts in here like “I just peed myself cuz this video is so funny! Go see MyNotFunnyBullshitVid@douchecanoe.Youboob.com” Which though lame, is at least obvious about what it is and not tricksy (in a ring-thieving hobbits way).

    This message brought to you by COCKTIP (Committe On Common Knowledge & Truth In Posting)

  42. This is kind of infinitely awesome and it is ONLY 14 seconds long so anybody who watches it betters that 14 seconds of their life. It gets better the more you watch it…so my life has been bettered like 5 times already. I can feel the difference.

  43. Did I see anything interesting? Not really. Though I was dumbfounded when the OED gave Sarah Palin’s non-word the annual honor of Word of the Year. Yeah, I smacked my forehead on that one.

  44. My husband went to Central America on a surf trip. I told him that if he got kidnapped we were going to have a problem because the only way I could pay the ransom is if he was dead, which kind of sucked for him. He went with strict instructions to tell the kidnappers that I would need proof of his death and to send his head via mail. NOT his whole body because that’s expensive. Just his head. And if they would FedEx it to me even better because that way I could get the money quicker. After all, I have children and my new pool boy to feed. Oh, yeah, and I have to have a pool put in. It was a win-win situation in my book.

  45. the x-files porn parody (and part 2 of it are apparently like wonderfully done and do the show justice…you know with the sex added and what not. Both that and the Big Lebowski porn star Kimberly Kane who although I’ve never seen in a porn I have a total crush on her. She seems cool and plays Scully n the x-files one and maude in the lebowski one which probably helps since I’m in love with Gillian Anderson and would totally get it on with maude.

    ok I’m done now.

    When should I be over to watch the lebowski one?

    now I’m really done.

  46. This week was the first time I got my hair to stick up just the right way on a night I was going out, so yes, I would say that I HAVE seen something awesome this week 🙂

  47. Would have commented polyester, but I’ve been hooked on DamnYouAutoCorrect.

    Polyester? Yesterday. Damn you, Autocorrect! *shakes fist*

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