This year we couldn’t take a real family vacation so we’re taking Hailey to see her cousins and Disney Land for a few days so I’ll be vaguely MIA starting tomorrow because every time I pull out my phone to get on the internet Victor will huff at me accusingly and so I’ll have to duck into the bathroom a lot to approve comments surreptitiously and then Victor will yell at me for drinking too much and I’ll be all “WELL MAYBE I HAVE A BLADDER INFECTION, ASSHOLE” and then he’ll insist that we go to the Disney emergency room to check it out because he won’t believe me and we’ll miss all the parades because I’m too busy peeing in a specimen cup all because my husband doesn’t understand the importance of social media.
But while I’m gone you can check out two things. First off, this. The comments on this post made me cry…but in the best way possible.
Secondly, a ton of people have asked if I’m making James Garfield Christmas cards again this year and the short answer is “sort of?”
A short summary for those of you who are new here this year: Last year I became obsessed with the head of a badly deteriorated, taxidermied Wild Boar which Victor refused to buy for me. I named him James Garfield. Then James Garfield was threatened with dismemberment in a horrific emotional ransom attempt and I may have freaked out a little and then Victor grudgingly rescued him like some kinda goddamn American hero. Then I sold James Garfield-esque Christmas cards to make back the money we spent on him so Victor that would stop glaring at me every time he looked at James Garfield and then so many people bought them that James Garfield made more than I did that month than I did, although he did inadvertently cause an international financial crisis which made a several Canadians seriously inappropriately furious. Quite a few of you have asked if you can buy James Garfield Christmas cards this year but I suck and I’m crazy behind on everything so I’m farming it out. But if you want to send Christmas cards to your family with photos of the happiest fucking dead boar in the world I totally have your back. You can order your Christmas cards by clicking here.
A few examples:
I also made a non-James Garfield blank holiday card which you can use to warn your coworkers and family that you’re not putting up with their crazy bullshit this year. It’s my personal Christmas card but I thought I’d share because I’m generous that way. You. Are. Welcome.
Special note to burglars: I’ll be back Sunday but my house will be protected by my heavily-armed, entertainingly-unstable Bohemian father who pulls entrails out of dead things for a living. This is what we have instead of an alarm.
Comment of the day: This makes me want to send out Christmas cards. No, wait. This makes me want to buy something dead and decorate it for the holidays. I wonder how much Bea Arthur costs. ~ alonewithcats
Update: For some reason my zazzle store hates me and the Mullet Tov card keeps randomly disappearing. I blame anti-Semitic shoplifters. Anyway, if one of the ten products doesn’t show up in my store the individual links are here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here. Get your shit together, Zazzle.
115 thoughts on “James Garfield is currently on the floor beside me because I can’t find a stud in the wall to hang him but it’s nice because it looks like he’s bursting through the basement, which is awesome because we don’t even *have* a basement so basically James Garfield is making my house seem bigger WITHOUT EVEN TRYING.”
Read comments below or add one.
If I worked as hard as you do, I could get wealthy and move to Texas. Sounds like a great idea.
be nice or i’ll stab you, think we’ll send THAT one out for Christmas 🙂
I’m sure the the Disney emergency room would be the best place to have a bladder infection. I think all of your dreams would probably come true in there…somehow. I don’t know. I don’t think you’re allowed to question Disney magic.
I’m obsessed with the Christmas cards. I’m a Jew, but I’d like to give one to my mom for her birthday. Are they available for sale 😉
I wish I had the balls to send out the “ALL kinds of festive” one. Still laughing at that thought. Thanks.
I’m not afraid of your father, Jenny. My grandfather is scarier, I would bet.
I want the very last James Garfield card SO BAD. I’d give it to everyone I know and they’d be confused and I’d be like “you have to be an internet connoisseur to understand” and they’d be all “you can’t even spell connoisseur without the internet”. Exactly, people. Look at what the internet does for us.
I’d totally go meet you in the bathroom. It’s okay, I can so that I have a Disneyland Annual Pass so its not like I am some crazy stalker who would PAY $79 JUST to meet you in the bathroom because I could totally be there already. Not that you are not worth the 79 bucks because you totally ARE.
Normally I hate Christmas but James Garfield being all motherfucking festive made my heat grow three sizes. I should go to the ER probably.
Do you even *know* how completely awesome it would be if I sent everyone I know a Happy ChirKwanzaaKah card? Seriously… from a missionary?!? It would be amazing. I would get fired. But it would probably be worth it.
I would like to order 400 of those cards. And then I would like to cancel my order because I just remembered I’m poor because I’m a missionary. But man…. “Happy ChrisKwanzaaKah”… that shit is priceless!
Have a fun trip. If James Garfield is missing when you get home and your dad talks of nothing but some once redheaded now more orangeheaded I can’t afford to go get my hair done siren…. well don’t come looking for her in PA… because, um… she’s out. And isn’t me.
inappropriately furious? What happened to furiously happy????!!!!
I swear, his smile gets bigger every year.
In the creepiest way possible. Like he’s opening his mouth to eat a goat, but in some sort of glacial time dimension, like a rock.
Please, please, please make that “Only Offensive To Assholes” sticker available as a shirt. I would buy them all. Mortgage, what mortgage?
OK, now I need to find someone who I could give those cards to, who wouldn’t get a restraining order against me. Guess I’ll have to give them to myself. Because, if I took out a restraining order on me, it would be proof there is something wrong. And we can’t have that!
I sooooo want to get on your Christmas card list!
Quite honestly, I think “Death by Bloggess” would finally give me the notoriety I seek. I hope to be on that card’s mailing list.
Forget sending photos of my family in itchy sweaters and awkward poses; I’m going with the stabbing card this year.
Awesome! Not only was it hilariously entertaining but it was also educational!
Something about the Disney World ER reminded me of the time I went to see New Kids on the Block in 1990 and I got carsick on the way and had to spend most of the concert in the first aid area with a bunch of crazy overworked New Kids fans at the Astrodome. Although I’m sure no one cares about that, I like to share.
Sorry to be the toolbox, but I think you meant 30/3 for that card. Otherwise, it totally rocks!
Now I’m scared you are going to remove authorization for me to post on your site or some other terible punishment for the math correction. I suck at spelling, so please retaliate by mocking my typos.
Guess I am newer here than I thought cuz all this is news to me…!
BE NICE OR I’LL STAB YOU = Best ever holiday card!
If I hadn’t already fallen in love with you over the Neil Gaimen episode last month, I’d *totally* be in love with you over the James Garfield saga. Since my heart is already spoken for, and I can’t imagine that offering up my entrails would be appropriate even in response to a post on taxidermy, I’m really not sure what to do here… except to share that I once had a very similar hissy fit over a giant inflatable zebra head.
It was actually a very expensive pool floaty, but we didn’t have a pool, so when I finally got it, I sort of rolled its body up, and propped it among some leaves from a fake palm tree I’d found in the dumpster. It looked quite wonderfully like we’d gone big game hunting in Plastic Africa.
Also, I once stuffed an entire deer skeleton into my suitcase and brought it home on an airplane. Mr.Spouse called it my Do-It-Yourself-Deer-Kit.
I’m not sure what happened to the zebra, but the DIY Deer is still in the closet. She’s no plastic zebra head, but I think she and James Garfield would get along swimmingly.
No offense to your shout out to burglars but you live in the middle of fucking Texas with crazy ass animals trying to kill you.
p.s. leave cookies out in case they do come to your house.
p.s.s. drink all the booze before you leave
Chick — you slay me.
Keep at it.
I am going to be in Miami somewhere around the time that you are no longer in…wait. Your going to land, not world. Well fine then missy. I will just drink too much in south beach and get my own bladder infection and try to figure out why my brazillian looks more like James Garfield’s head than Paris Hiltons Hoo Haa,
I wish I had more people in my life who would appreciate those card. Womp womp.
Seriously? I’m first with A = 78.9? Also, I’ve been drinking so if that’s wrong, it ain’t my fault. I’m Canadian and it’s probably an exchange rate problem.
This makes me want to send out Christmas cards. No, wait. This makes me want to buy something dead and decorate it for the holidays. I wonder how much Bea Arthur costs.
We actually did have to go to the Disneyland emergency room, when my son fell and scraped his knee. Except that it wasn’t Disneyland, it was EuroDisney. And it wasn’t an emergency room, it was more like a back room with boxes on it, and a nurse. He got a certificate that said what a brave boy he was, except that it was in French, which he doesn’t speak. So a lot of good THAT did him.
Also, our train got waylaid by an hour because French students were “on strike.” And by “on strike” I mean “lying on the train tracks to protest something.” When my husband asked a woman to explain it, she pursed her lips and shrugged in that one-shouldered French way and just said, “Is ver’ French.” Like that explained it.
Oh. Wait. It does.
I love that James Garfield says “y’all”!! That boar head looks disgusting though lol
Does James Garfield have a blog? I bet he’s great on The Facebook!
I really, really, really want those stab you cards. Probably inappropriate to send to my clients though – but my friends would understand! Especially the knitters!
Thank You, You make my world brighter!
Totally became your first Zazzle Fan Club follower and ordered 10 + stickers and though I’m disappointed there will be no new Bloggess personal touch, I’m okay with this. Kind of. A little bit.
Jenny, why do you make me feel all special like Forrest around you?!
This has nothing to do with anything, but I had this awesome dream where you took over South Dakota and the necessary parts of the surrounding states to make it look like the United States in miniature. Then you named it Little ‘Murrica, and of course the taxidermy enthusiasts and other rednecks all flocked to it. All I’m saying is that you could totally have a million James Garfields if you would just stage a coup.
I sent the be nice card to my boyfriend in an email. I like to keep him on his toes.
Love the James Garfield, but I think it would have to be the Be Nice or I’ll Stab You for my monster in law!!!
agh.Mullet Tov cards not available? I NEED those. My Jewish friends will DIE. Please make them come back. PLEASE??? If you do, i will tell Santa to leave you an extra present, and that present will be a tequila gun which is being ridden by a taxidermied squirrel.
xo, you make me cry silently in my cube at work while i try not to laugh.
Awesome cards, especially the “Be Nice” one. It would work for many holidays, especially Valentine’s Day.
Speaking of awesome, how about some James Garfield panties? From Canada, no less.
I wish I knew the kind of people who would enjoy receiving any of those cards. Why don’t I have any fun friends? In fact, you could sell those all year long as friend-test cards – hand one to a potential new friend, and if they don’t laugh, cut ’em.
Not literally. The pain of not being my friend is bad enough, I don’t need to stab anyone, or even slice them.
* all YEAR long. i can’t believe I mistyped that – can you fix that for me? That’s going to bug the crap out of me now….
Unless you have other stuff to do. Like spend time with _Victor_.
THANK YOU! I love the stabby slogan. It has been one of my mantras and I do say it to people once in a while. I am kind of surprised that I have not been arrested or kicked out of any venue yet. Definitely getting the cards and possibly leave it in public bathrooms.
Bravo, girlfriend, bravo. I’m an atheist, but I had to buy your cards (and may even send a few out!!) because they are the funniest fucking things I have ever seen associated with Christmas. Or maybe just “have ever seen.” without that xmas modifier. I’ll have to think back. These are right up there with Hyperbole and a Half’s story about moving her dogs (for the uninitiated http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/11/dogs-dont-understand-basic-concepts.html). I love you funny, funny ladies so much.
Mullet tov to you too!
James Garlfield is bloody brilliant. It has made me really want an animal to hang off my wall. But I can’t afford it so I am going to hang a wood plaque around my dog’s neck and pretend.
Can you make the Be Nice cards as business cards? Because – y’know I could use those in my daily life.
Please bring me a Bloggess pull string doll that will say fucked up random shit whenever I pull her string. And by string, I don’t mean tampons.
I still chuckle the over the bacon math and the indignant Canadians! That was a fun little international incident! Wiki Leaks lite!
Hope you have a good trip!
I feel sorry for Garfield.
I really want the Be Nice Or I’ll Stab You cards. I have a list a mile long of people who should get them. Otherwise, you’re a seriously, warped individual and I love reading your posts!
If you mirror the ceiling, your house will seem even bigger and it will be like Hotel California. Plus, you’ll have a boar head bursting through the upper floor, too. Infinitely cool.
A = 78.9
On your middle christmas card I solved for A. It’s 78.9
3/30 = one tenth
If you were trying for 69 you want 30/3 (which is ten) + A = 79
Just tryin’ to help. (if nobuddy didded math goodly, theird bee no compukers!)
Ok, you write, I’ll add.
Dang. Wish I had your edge. Best I seem to be able to do is strap antlers on my hound and load her up with liquid conviviality. James Garfield should meet my dog. She is not too proud to sniff around his ‘nads…especially after a couple of martinis.
I’m trying to buy 2 cards but zazzle doesn’t seem to understand that Canada has provinces and not states. I’ll try again later, but if there’s some special trick I’m missing, does anyone know? I choose Canada, then when I go to the Sate/Region box there is no more drop list, and you can only type in one letter. i tried it with just a q for Quebec but it says invalid state.
Kristin ~ Try the Zazzle canada site: http://www.zazzle.ca/bloggess+gifts
Enjoy Disneyland. I have never been, but it is on the list. (apparently, according to my children, they are the only kids in the Western world who haven’t been yet…) Disneyland has their own emergency room? Oh course they would. (the kids are right, we are lame parents…maybe we should take pics next time we go on a hike by the local steel factories and put that on our Christmas cards…hmmmm, I seem a bit grumpy…oh, right, I haven’t had coffee yet…)
This is fabulous– I want you to make my Christmas cards every year!
Why straighten a line that’s meant to be curved? Leave that for porn mags and Revlon commericals. Keep rockin the curves.
I truly love that last card. It really hits home for me. Have a great trip and drink a lot of cranberry juice.
I *am* new here and did *not* know about the wonderful James Garfield. Victor was a true American hero. Somehow I imagined him completely differently. His hair was longer. Like that guy married to Rachel Zoe. Who is a douche. Not that Victor’s a douche, like at all. I don’t know where I’m going with this…
Oh! I remembered. So I clicked on the stabby link, just out of curiosity, and on the side bar they had suggestions. I guess relating to the word “nice” in your picture? Anyway, their suggestions were shirts saying, “Nice Ass,” “Nice Boobs,” “Nice Cupcakes,” and a postcard saying “Nice, France.” My morning laugh.
Have fun at Disneyland and for God’s sake, do your best to freak *those* people out. Although, maybe they’re too easy of a target. Hmmmm. Have fun, though.
I had totally convinced myself that Rachel Zoe’s husband was actually named Victor and that’s why I pictured him when reading about your Victor, but no, his name is Rodger. And here is a really good picture of his hair and his douchiness. And I feel like I should apologize to Victor for my brain. I’m sorry, Victor. I don’t know why either.
When I first saw this title I read ‘James Garfunkel’ then wondered why the hell anyone would want the guy from Simon & Garfunkel on their floor…then I realized Garfunkel’s first name is Art.
Also this post makes me want to go find a smallish taxidermied animal, like maybe a rabbit, with the upper half on a plaque and then one with the back side one a plaque and hang it on either side of my front door so it looks like he’s bustin through my front door in all sorts of awsomeness.
Ask and you shall receive! Praying to The Bloggess is *almost* better than praying to God, because God never gave me shirts that threaten stabbing. Thanks, Bloggess, you truly are the best.
Man, Texas dads are BADASS.
I’m asking Santa for one of those.
James Garfield is delightful but nothing beats a bathroom stick person holding a knife. Well done, Jenny.
Could I get that last one on a business card? I’d like to start leaving them on my coworkers’ desk with “What? You think that bitch in accounting just decided not to come back from lunch last week on her own? Consider youself warned!”
Stabby business cards…as requested: http://www.zazzle.com/the_most_bad_ass_business_cards_ever-240994865909985716
You are much better at making cards than I am.
The last card I made was a CONGRATULATIONS card but I didn’t have a dead boar so I used a urinal cake I found here at work that looked like it was smiling.
Sure I felt guilty for peeing on him, but at least he’s famous now.
I was going to solve for A, but I’ve been beaten to it 🙁
A= 78 9/10?
The profile shot of Sir James Garfield is hilarious. It is exactly what I would expect President Garfield to look like today….therefore, the name is very fitting. Didn’t you purchase or consider purchasing a petrified human head at a store once?
We made Christmas cards last year which included my blog’s mascot, Rick “The Mullet Man” Suave and his wife, Roxy. Posted it @ http://ricoswaff.com/blog1/?cat=415 We even inserted a family update letter from the Suave family. My freaking scanner has been ghetto-fabulous for the past couple years, so I had to type the dang thing out manually on the post. The cards will be much more interesting this year with a newborn. (Hopefully I’m not committing a no-no by posting that link…won’t make a habit of that, I promise.)
I don’t have a dead animal .. but I have a dead mother in a box…… wonder what I could do with that??
I LOVE CHRISTMAS – AND SEEING YOUR SPIN ON IT MADE ME ENJOY IT IN A BAD-SANTA-GONE-GOOD KIND OF WAY.
Thanks for the canadian site Jenny, but I think I have to buy 10 if I buy from them. I wanted one festive and one math. Is that possible?
solve for A — bwahaha! my husband doesn’t understand the importance of social media either. would you do some ecards that i could send out to my blogger, twitter and facebook friends that explain why i can’t always reply, comment or tweet back.
While we’re discussing the dead, the stabby and Christmas cards – would it be wrong for a Christmas card to have Estelle Getty with a knife to her side standing beside a Christmas tree with the words “Picture It…” on the front? I mean… imagine what the sayings would be inside.
You know… like…
“Toldja I’d be back to wish you a Merry Christmas!” or “Merry Christmas, it’s been a while! Did you fulfill that request of buying me a TV yet?”
I fucking love you.
Yours truly ,
I’ll be your Jewish friend, Jenny.
Kick ass! You both rock AND roll Jenny!
I’ll just sit here and spit shine my titanium stabbing spork until they come in!
You’re coming to Disneyland??? That’s about ten minutes from my home! I am fan-girly excited about this. Can I stalk you? In no way that actually resembles stalking, of course, because I’m in grad school and too broke to go TO Disneyland. Still, this is a very big moment for me. IT’S LIKE YOU’RE REAL. I’m ignoring the fact that we live near celebrities – they are boring. You rock. Feel free to use my place as your social media hub. My husband won’t mind; he’s usually not home anyway and besides, surprises and secrets add spice to a marriage. As long as they’re not about sex changes.
I dig your fucking chili, Sister. I’d like to BE you when I grow up. Except that I’m probably older than you but whatever.
damn, i made homemade cards and all – and now all i want is the card that says “motherfucker” on it. i love shocking relatives.
the friends, however, would not be shocked. they’d probably just do that eyeroll thing and post it on their mantel, except when the family comes into town, then they’d be hiding my card under the rug.
only, i already have cards. cute homemade ones with penguins. damnit!!!
i never get this seasonal cards thing right.
James Garfield really is the gift that keeps giving.
And by gift I mean, stuffed wild boars-head.
Loved this post and the “Good Mom” post. Laughing and crying all before the first cup of coffee.
Juliana Hatfield has a song called President Garfield that rocks. Just thought you should know.
A = 78 9/10.
That was my Christmas Gift. You’re welcome.
FYI-James Garfield’s cousin/evil twin on the wall in Dwight’s office on “The Office” this week…he didn’t look as happy as James Garfield-maybe with a hat?
You are my new favorite blog. I have laughed so hard in the last half hour that I’ve cried huge tears. My daughter thinks I’m nuts, but she wouldn’t understand James Garfield. She’s 18months old, and would be scared.
Anyway, thanks for the Happy!
I would buy all those cards but it might make people hate me. But maybe that’s a GOOD thing because then I would have less people to buy cards for next year, THUS SAVING MONEY in the long run. Thanks Jenny, you financial guru.
I miss the stuffed Armidillo I found in the trash about 15 years’ ago & (stupidly) gave to my friend Dave, when he made a window display featuring the armidillo upright spinning around on a record player! it disappeared right after that. I was angry at Dave, but I really couldn’t blame him- his sister just died & a found stuffed armidillo didn’t seem like worth fighting about.
I’ve had it with being nice, it so didn’t work for me in 2010. I will be ordering my cards to just say, “I WILL STAB YOU” and then everyone has been warned. Take that, damages-seeking attorneys.
At first the piggy startled me. Then I grew to love it.
Now I don’t know how I feel about it. It’s beyond love.
Please make this festive change a permanent one please.
Also: I used to get peeved when people would leave their Christmas lights up all year, but this can be an exception. “T’IS THE SEASON BITCHES.”
I wanted the math one but stupid Zazzle thinks that charging me $16 for shipping to Canada for $7 dollar cards is acceptable.
Way to fail Zazzle. This Canadian is sad. Fuck you!
The ‘be nice, or I will stab you’ card would look even cooler (more festive) if the crazy lady with the knife or the other guy had a santa hat on 🙂 just thought I’d mention it. xoxo
That is the happiest goddamn boar I ever saw. Ok, it’s the only one but still… somebody must have shot him in mid orgasm!
See, this is the problem with being raised Muslim – I can hardly justify sending a pork themed holiday card to my family for Ramadan. Maybe I’ll tell them it’s lamb.
Yeah, who doesn’t need a drink every now and again…
Those are some really adorable & funny Christmas cards. I have to say it’s been a while since I’ve actually distributed any to my family, but ones like those I think would really put some flavor back into Christmas!
I have only been coming here for a little bit but I have to tell you that I am totally head-over-heels in love with you…in a non-sexual way of course! You are rockin’ my world!
Holy Crap!!! Did you see THIS?!
I don’t know if Victor has finally come around to recognize James Garfield’s (undeniable) charm & good looks, but if not, just show him THAT! It’s all about perspective ;o)
Juliana Hatfield has a song called President Garfield that rocks. Just thought you should know.
Jenny you are awesome! This may sound stalkerish but I’ve read your blog every sunday since the transvestite lego’s, and you ALWAYS manage to brighten up my day! I’ve had a very rough year and you’ve made it bearable. Even now I’ve just gone to a funeral today and have a 4 month old who can’t sleep unless she is next to me…and here I am hiding in the locked bathroom just to read your blog…I just wanted to say thanks:)
p.s. I would totally by those cards if my husband didn’t think Barnaby Johns was inappropriate for christmas maybe you should do birthday cards?
“because every time I pull out my phone to get on the internet Victor will huff at me accusingly ” I think Victor and my husband Rey are related!
There aren’t nearly enough Christmas cards out there that incorporate dead animal heads, christmas hats, and the phrase “mother-fucking festive”. I just ordered some. This may be the one year that I actually remember to send out my christmas cards. Because they’re awesome and stuff 🙂
So I was at a local pub during trivia night last week, where the question was issued, “Who was the first president elected after women were allowed the right to vote?”
Of course, I blurted out, “JAMES GARFIELD!!”
I blame you, and so does William Harding.
I didn’t think there were any wild boars left (outside of congress, that is) Maybe you’ve got the last one. I say good riddance to the wild bore. I don’t trust animals with contradictory names. (R U wild, or a bore?)
Maybe we need some critters. Oh, God…? Whaddaya say?
Boy do I feel like a fool… honestly I didn’t look too closely cause I thought it was a cute dog and then I realize it’s a dead pig head on the wall! wow… LOL that’s crazy. I got startled this time around!
My bosses, my relatives, bores and hawgs. You get Garfield for Christmas–I’m totally envious.
Don’t worry, the burglars were at our house not yours. They were probably too scared of James Garfield to hit your place. 😉
sweet. baby. jesus.
i SO wish i would have seen that christmas card before christmas. it would have been on like donkey kong over here.
i totally would have used it.
i SO wish i would have seen that christmas card before christmas. it would have been on like donkey kong over here.