Vaguely maimed at Disneyland

I’m a day late on my Shit-I-Did-This-Week wrap up because I just got back from a weekend trip to Disneyland that ended with my arm in a sling and me in a wheelchair.

Still?  Worth it.

Remember the last time you had that kind of look of awe on your face that didn't come from someone setting an enormous margarita in front of you? Me either.

More on that later.  Probably.

The slightly damaged edition.

This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):

This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

This week on the internets:

  • I started a store.  I plan to eventually burn it to the ground for the insurance money as soon as I get bored with it.

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This weekly wrap-up sponsored by Star-in-a-Story, which is awesome because it lets you insert your name into a classic story so you can replace the main character like I just did with “Romeo and The Bloggess”, which totally. fucking. sings.

79 thoughts on “Vaguely maimed at Disneyland

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Oh. My. God. I am the first commenter?! What made the stars align for me this morning?!

  2. OK I wanted to let myself enjoy being #1 for once. Now I must say that I, too, will never look at Harry Potter the same again… Thank you for that. (Note the sarcastic tone, which sometimes doesn’t come across online unless you use a disgustingly cute :-p face)

  3. I’m starting to think that you’re hemispheres are wired backwards…instead of right controlling the left side if you body and the left the right…it’s like the left controls the right side and the right side tries to control the right…hence the left doing whatever the hell it wants. Like ramming itself into an *almost* closed door or doing full length arm circles…right into the side of a lead pipe.

    Hence: arm in sling.

  4. And I meant “your”

    iPhone translates “your” to “you’re” and “hell” to “he’ll” automatic ally. Every damn time.

  5. I can’t wait to take my daughter to Disney. My husbands pla is to take her out of school and tell her it’s for a doctors appointment and then drive to the airport. He doesn’t plan on telling her where we’re going until we reach the gates. Disney has gates right? I’ve never been there. For all I know they have armed guards punching unhappy people out of the state.
    Also? I live in “The Second Happiest Place on Earth”, which is apparently a square mile village in western NY named Sloan. It’s true. It says it on the sign at the edge of town.

  6. I get that feeling of awe every time I watch The Muppet Movie. True story. I like to belt the line, “There’s nothing out there you can’t do; yeah even Santa Claus believes in youuuuuuuuu!” Ironic, what with being a Jew and all, but it works for me.

    I also wear the same crown your daughter has on, but that’s for a completely different reason…

  7. I would totally buy the Be Nice or get stabbed but it just might be false adverstising. That or broken promises. So…really wondering what happened to your arm. Did you miss the last step while staring to the heavens at a hawk screaming at you? No…just me and my twisted ankle I guess.

  8. Douche-canoe? It sounds a little romantic.

    As in…I want to take my sweetheart to the drive-in and for a little douche-canoodling.

  9. Dear Jenny,

    Watched that last vid like three times. I think I might try to build one of those things now. If I build it…they will come. That trick still works right? I am probably going to get one of those mugs too.


  10. Oh my lord. I clicked on the amorous squirrel link in the top 10 (in your sex column), and since I deal with eBay for work, it now shows a squirrel humping another in the recommendations. Um, this is going to be quite awkward explaining to my boss why I was looking at something like that. I need to cover that up and quick.

    PS: The ONLY solution I can come up with why *anyone* would want a corn vibrator is if she is a farmer’s wife or girlfriend.

  11. “…I just got back from a weekend trip to Disneyland that ended with my arm in a sling and me in a wheelchair.”

    Pictures, or it didn’t happen.


  12. Wow I wish I could get that look back! I hope you’re ok and I’m sure it will be quite a post explaining what happened.

  13. Did Disney provide you with a giant cartoon character to push your wheelchair around? Or at least enough drugs that you thought you were being pushed by a giant cartoon character?

  14. Pretty sure I would have the exact same face if I got to meet Belle. It is a crime that I am 23 and have never been to any Disney location other than the Disney store in a Western Kentucky mall.

  15. I dunno, I’m guessing your little face lit up like that when you put your red dress on! It certainly seemed that way from the pictures. Oh, I know! You’d had a maragarita beforet he photo shoot! Silly me.

  16. We had a similar experience with our daughter and “Ariel” in Disneyland. That is, until “Ariel ” started shamelessly flirting with my husband. I now keep her flowing, red hair in my closet as a souvenir from when I snatched it off of her head. My daughter only needed a few years worth of therapy.

  17. Shit, I didn’t actually realize until you just pointed it out, but that is exactly the look of wonder I get when a waiter brings me a margarita the size of my head!

  18. Holy freakin’ awesomeness, batman. “Be Nice or I will stab you” t-shirts? I totally need one of those for the gym. Stabbiness is a inevitable side effect of working out with a bunch of in-shape people scoffing at my out-of-shape ass on the stationary bike.

  19. So you got your arse kicked by the seven dwarves. Yeah?! I think we tried to warn you not to call them midgets on twitter. Those little people are vicious and vengeful, and a little grabby. How many of them did you manage to stab before they took you down?

    Great to see that you are starting to build your merchandising empire. I think that there are a lot of people that would like Bloggess branded stab…kitchen knives.

  20. Thanks for the corn dildo…I can only imagine what Amazon is going to recommend me next based on my previous views…

  21. My sister-in-law was backstage at Disney World once because her college band was playing. She said you are not allowed to take pictures backstage, because what takes place backstage at Disney is THAT embarrassing to them. I guess they don’t want pictures of the actually male Minnie mouse smoking circulating around the little kids and such. I’ve never been to Disney World myself, because it actually sounds like hell on earth to me, not the happiest anything.

  22. Holy shit, I just came back here afer commenting on someone’s blog about burning down the store I work in and collecting the insurance money, I’m sorry but I think I just plagiarized (sp?) you and didn’t even know it. To my credit I did preface it with I killed everyone first. So I added a bit of personal spice to it all.

  23. Today I thought my pinky-toe had been chafed off by my new shoes. I think at least half of it is still there. The point? I can SYMPATHIZE.


  24. You love my lady lumps…my hump, my hump, my hump.

    Dear God, I will be singing that for the rest of the night, thanks for that. That has to be the MOST disturbing thing I have ever seen. Forget making someone gay or straight, that will just knock you off sex altogether!

  25. I saw that same look on my daughter’s face this summer. Then I cried. At Disney World. In front of a woman dressed like Cinderella.

    But THAT? Also totally worth it, especially because my daughter still glows when she talks about it. The mommy mush heart, it gets you, even when you think you’re too cool for it.

  26. The salami fighting association is hilarious and wrong and now all over my facebook. Thank you for the information your news blog provides.

  27. Aww! That picture of Hailey is the cutest thing ever!

    And, well, I’d already seen a video like that made from Harry Potter trailers on The Soup (back when The Goblet of Fire came out) so I didn’t feel terribly surprised by that, but it still made me laugh.

  28. Ouch! sorry about the maimung, it does show how much you are dedicated to your family and reading about good parents is always a pleasure to know.

    And you being a woman as well as a mother your daughter is lucky to have a mother who knows that there are times situations where it has to be their way or no way.

    even if it means a little sacrifice suffered to provide her the means to have it

  29. I love the “Be Nice” card. When you had the “logo” on your blog a few months ago I printed it out and showed some people because I thought it was hysterical. The majority of people I showed it to laughed nervously and didn’t get it. Needless to say, they are no longer my friends, but they give me clearance when I walk by and they always smile politely.

  30. My dear sweet aunt was once injured at Disney (World, not Land) — by falling down the stairs at one of their resorts, no less! They gave her a wheelchair and we totally used her to skip to the front of all the lines… even though she herself never rides rides anyway! Good times.

  31. ‘Wheelchair’ ‘Arm in a sling’ ???? Ok, so you CAN’T leave us hanging like that! Well, you must be ok, since you were able to write this post with the other hand and all.

    Looks like Disneyland was fun for Hailey, too.

  32. I kinda hate to wreck things by being #70. Number 69 is a far superior number. Love your store. And your boar. I’m pretty sure that if we do holiday cards this year that we will be among the last to wish everyone a happy new year. People should expect to receive them around May. Or just not expect them at all. Maybe I can farm them out like you have. Such a clever girl. Do you think there might actually be some sick bastard — and by sick bastard I mean wonderfully, inspired and tremendously helpful individual who enjoys doing other people’s holiday cards? If so, feel free to contact me! STAT!)

  33. Just saw the Harry Potter X-rated trailer and now *I’ll* never look at him the same. “I’m coming… all the time.” You’re doing God’s work here, Jenny. God’s work.

  34. OK, you know what? I just finished reading your sex column list and I am now scarred for life by the intimacy lump or whatever it is. And now? I find I must retract my last comment and instead issue a pox on your house. (Is that how you say that?) Only, I think you may already have a pox on your house and I really don’t want you to get injured/infected any more. Huh. So I’m out of ideas. I’ll get back to you.

  35. I hope to have that same look of awe on my face when I go to Disney World with my friends to celebrate our high school graduation. Except instead of it being innocent and because of Belle, it’ll be because we started singing The Rowing Song from Willy Wonka on the It’s a Small World ride.
    I hope you feel better. I have this vague notion that you’ve injured yourself before. Or maybe it was a bladder infection. You ought to check to see if you cut off the Antichrist in traffic; that might be where your problem resides.

  36. How in the world did I miss the porn pillows from the 70’s? I grew up in the 70’s and had older siblings that in no way resembled the Brady Bunch’s Johnny Bravo!!! Now I have gaps in what should have been a perfect childhood, lol.

  37. I didn’t know hair shows up on X-rays. Now I wonder whether HAIR shows up on the full-body scanners at the airports… I went through one today and… Hmm.

    At first I thought that was you. Belle. There is some resemblance there, no?

  38. I thought I’d send this link to you in case you’d never seen a video from these guys. While all of their videos are hysterical, I think you’d appreciate this one just cause they fuck with an unsuspecting service guy. But see also the Mother’s Day video. I showed that one to my mother and she said “Wow….that was totally you and your sister…I mean, that IS you and your sister!”

  39. This just made my day– one of the little girls at my day care went to Disney for spring break last year and when she heard my favorite princess was Belle she got Belle’s autograph for me. Disney is an evil, expensive, tourist trap but they get away with it for moments like that and I can’t hold it against them as much when a four year old is telling me about the most magical day of her life!

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