Vaguely maimed at Disneyland

I’m a day late on my Shit-I-Did-This-Week wrap up because I just got back from a weekend trip to Disneyland that ended with my arm in a sling and me in a wheelchair.

Still?  Worth it.

Remember the last time you had that kind of look of awe on your face that didn't come from someone setting an enormous margarita in front of you? Me either.

More on that later.  Probably.

The slightly damaged edition.

This week on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche-canoe):

This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

This week on the internets:

  • I started a store.  I plan to eventually burn it to the ground for the insurance money as soon as I get bored with it.

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This weekly wrap-up sponsored by Star-in-a-Story, which is awesome because it lets you insert your name into a classic story so you can replace the main character like I just did with “Romeo and The Bloggess”, which totally. fucking. sings.

79 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Oh. My. God. I am the first commenter?! What made the stars align for me this morning?!

  2. OK I wanted to let myself enjoy being #1 for once. Now I must say that I, too, will never look at Harry Potter the same again… Thank you for that. (Note the sarcastic tone, which sometimes doesn’t come across online unless you use a disgustingly cute :-p face)

  3. Good lord, that telemarketer is working hard for her commission. An alcoholic is born every second.

  4. mmmm…Belle.

    That’s all I got.

    moooooog35 recently posted Have You Peed on a Happy Face Today.

  5. That picture is the best.

    MidLifeMama recently posted A view from my desk- the mythical monster series.

  6. I’m at work and every one of your links comes up with “Access Denied” Sad 🙁

    Jax recently posted Studying.

  7. I’m starting to think that you’re hemispheres are wired backwards…instead of right controlling the left side if you body and the left the right…it’s like the left controls the right side and the right side tries to control the right…hence the left doing whatever the hell it wants. Like ramming itself into an *almost* closed door or doing full length arm circles…right into the side of a lead pipe.

    Hence: arm in sling.

    Jessica recently posted musings from 30-000 feet.

  8. Do you think my husband will care that every one of his Christmas presents comes from your store??

    SuzRocks recently posted My House or My Grave.

  9. And I meant “your”

    iPhone translates “your” to “you’re” and “hell” to “he’ll” automatic ally. Every damn time.

    Jessica recently posted musings from 30-000 feet.

  10. Do you think my husband will care that every one of his presents comes from your store? Me either.

    SuzRocks recently posted My House or My Grave.

  11. Did Cinderella break your arm? Story please.

    If I were God recently posted The Squirreldog and other new creatures.

  12. I can’t wait to take my daughter to Disney. My husbands pla is to take her out of school and tell her it’s for a doctors appointment and then drive to the airport. He doesn’t plan on telling her where we’re going until we reach the gates. Disney has gates right? I’ve never been there. For all I know they have armed guards punching unhappy people out of the state.
    Also? I live in “The Second Happiest Place on Earth”, which is apparently a square mile village in western NY named Sloan. It’s true. It says it on the sign at the edge of town.

  13. You tried to bring your tequila gun on the plane, didn’t you.

    Mrs. P recently posted Or you could just say- From- insert name herebut thats not how I roll.

  14. I get that feeling of awe every time I watch The Muppet Movie. True story. I like to belt the line, “There’s nothing out there you can’t do; yeah even Santa Claus believes in youuuuuuuuu!” Ironic, what with being a Jew and all, but it works for me.

    I also wear the same crown your daughter has on, but that’s for a completely different reason…

  15. Well NOW I’m worried that your mug is going to kick my mug’s ass.

    Cause MY mug doesn’t have a knife on it, so it’s not even armed properly.

    Yet.

    Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted Theological Differences.

  16. If you don’t get hurt at Disneyland than you haven’t really experienced it.

    Jack recently posted The Wisdom of Words.

  17. Arm sling and a wheelchair ?? Did you and Victor not read the Disney memo about hot monkey sex on Space Mountain??

    Holly B recently posted A Southern Nutcracker.

  18. I thought I’d warned you not to do the nasty with Victor in the spinning teacups anymore. See what happens when you don’t listen.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Christmas funny 6.

  19. I would totally buy the Be Nice or get stabbed but it just might be false adverstising. That or broken promises. So…really wondering what happened to your arm. Did you miss the last step while staring to the heavens at a hawk screaming at you? No…just me and my twisted ankle I guess.

    A Vapid Blonde recently posted If There’s A Bull Penis Involved I Am So In!.

  20. I totally want ceiling lamps with fishes on them now.

    Bridget recently posted Picture of the Night- Nay- My Life.

  21. Congrats on the new store! You’ll of course be selling James Garfield Valentine cards, right?

  22. Douche-canoe? It sounds a little romantic.

    As in…I want to take my sweetheart to the drive-in and for a little douche-canoodling.

    headbang8 recently posted Merci My Hair- Please.

  23. Dear Jenny,

    Watched that last vid like three times. I think I might try to build one of those things now. If I build it…they will come. That trick still works right? I am probably going to get one of those mugs too.

    -Tony

    Tony Hunt recently posted For everyone that doesn’t vote.

  24. Oh my lord. I clicked on the amorous squirrel link in the top 10 (in your sex column), and since I deal with eBay for work, it now shows a squirrel humping another in the recommendations. Um, this is going to be quite awkward explaining to my boss why I was looking at something like that. I need to cover that up and quick.

    PS: The ONLY solution I can come up with why *anyone* would want a corn vibrator is if she is a farmer’s wife or girlfriend.

    Karen Maeby recently posted Finally- We Put Up Our Christmas Tree….

  25. Can’t wait to hear the ‘I got maimed at Disneyland’ story. Great publicity for Disney if you ask me. 😉 Looks like Hailey enjoyed the Princess breakfast.

    Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me recently posted Tis The Season- First Picture With Santa.

  26. “…I just got back from a weekend trip to Disneyland that ended with my arm in a sling and me in a wheelchair.”

    Pictures, or it didn’t happen.

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted Hell’s Kitchen- The Friends and Family Plan.

  27. Wow I wish I could get that look back! I hope you’re ok and I’m sure it will be quite a post explaining what happened.

    Helen recently posted What We Did This Weekend.

  28. Did Disney provide you with a giant cartoon character to push your wheelchair around? Or at least enough drugs that you thought you were being pushed by a giant cartoon character?

    Laura recently posted An Interview With GFAJ-1- the Arsenic-Eating Bacterium.

  29. Pretty sure I would have the exact same face if I got to meet Belle. It is a crime that I am 23 and have never been to any Disney location other than the Disney store in a Western Kentucky mall.

  30. I dunno, I’m guessing your little face lit up like that when you put your red dress on! It certainly seemed that way from the pictures. Oh, I know! You’d had a maragarita beforet he photo shoot! Silly me.

    SisterMerryHellish recently posted Trans-Siberian Fangasm!.

  31. I’m trying to decide whether that Love Lump is a one-stop experience type thing or an artistic rendition of the word confusion.

    Fred Miller recently posted How to Remember your Wife’s Name.

  32. We had a similar experience with our daughter and “Ariel” in Disneyland. That is, until “Ariel ” started shamelessly flirting with my husband. I now keep her flowing, red hair in my closet as a souvenir from when I snatched it off of her head. My daughter only needed a few years worth of therapy.

  33. Forget Harry Potter… I’ll never look at dildos the same way again. Dildos and zombies just don’t go.

    Jenni Chiu recently posted Cartoon Facebook Profile Pic- Raising Awareness For The Violence Against Wile E Coyote.

  34. Hairy Potter indeed

  35. My favorite part of the kid playing the sewer pipes is when he launched into a few measures of Mozart’s “Sonata in A major”.

    Fred Miller recently posted How to Remember your Wife’s Name.

  36. Shit, I didn’t actually realize until you just pointed it out, but that is exactly the look of wonder I get when a waiter brings me a margarita the size of my head!

  37. The Harry Potter video was awesome! Haven’t laughed that much in ages!!! Thanks for sharing 🙂

    Molly Malone recently posted Ho- Ho Argh!.

  38. I’ve never wished I was Jewish as much as I wish it right this very moment! I like brisket, damnit. Pick me!

    Elly Lou recently posted Search Optimization-ish.

  39. Hold the phone, was that the Doogie Howser MD song on the giant maroon tubes of doom?!?! Squee!

    Elly Lou recently posted Search Optimization-ish.

  40. OOOH, Disneyland sounds like it is getting dangerous! lol.

    Theresa recently posted Please Vote and Help My Daughter’s New School Get a Playground.

  41. Holy freakin’ awesomeness, batman. “Be Nice or I will stab you” t-shirts? I totally need one of those for the gym. Stabbiness is a inevitable side effect of working out with a bunch of in-shape people scoffing at my out-of-shape ass on the stationary bike.

  42. So you got your arse kicked by the seven dwarves. Yeah?! I think we tried to warn you not to call them midgets on twitter. Those little people are vicious and vengeful, and a little grabby. How many of them did you manage to stab before they took you down?

    Great to see that you are starting to build your merchandising empire. I think that there are a lot of people that would like Bloggess branded stab…kitchen knives.

  43. Your MRI looks good.

    Fred Miller recently posted How to Remember your Wife’s Name.

  44. Only you could get your ass kicked at the Magic Kingdom.

    Aimee Greeblemonkey recently posted Anyone like some holiday music How about a Greeblecal.

  45. I’m loving Star in a Story.

  46. I myself have run into some problems at Disney World…all that magical energy can be pretty dangerous. lol

    Steve Butabi recently posted Lacrosse Field Dimensions.

  47. Thanks for the corn dildo…I can only imagine what Amazon is going to recommend me next based on my previous views…

  48. That picture makes me want to have a kid.

    Barbara recently posted Clever Tree Decorating.

  49. My sister-in-law was backstage at Disney World once because her college band was playing. She said you are not allowed to take pictures backstage, because what takes place backstage at Disney is THAT embarrassing to them. I guess they don’t want pictures of the actually male Minnie mouse smoking circulating around the little kids and such. I’ve never been to Disney World myself, because it actually sounds like hell on earth to me, not the happiest anything.

  50. Now if I got to meet Belle and have a margarita the size of my head AT THE SAME TIME, I’d be grinning ear-to-ear.

    Angela@beggingtheanswer recently posted Walker- Baby Ranger.

  51. My problem is that I may even stab the nice people.

  52. you didn’t even ask to take my pic. good think yellow makes me look like an effin princess.

    Kirsten (Results Not Typical Girl) recently posted this…is american midol.

  53. I hope you’re ok!! That picture is too awesome…I haven’t had that look in too many years to count!

    Kathy recently posted Happppy Birthday Sissy!!.

  54. Holy shit, I just came back here afer commenting on someone’s blog about burning down the store I work in and collecting the insurance money, I’m sorry but I think I just plagiarized (sp?) you and didn’t even know it. To my credit I did preface it with I killed everyone first. So I added a bit of personal spice to it all.

    A Vapid Blonde recently posted If There’s A Bull Penis Involved I Am So In!.

  55. Today I thought my pinky-toe had been chafed off by my new shoes. I think at least half of it is still there. The point? I can SYMPATHIZE.

    Whitney

  56. That look on her face is exactly what I wear the entire time I’m at Disney. And I’m 30. Whatever, it’s the happiest place on earth and people who don’t think so can suck it.

    anna @ the hookup column recently posted Obsessing over Losers- The Female Epidemic.

  57. You love my lady lumps…my hump, my hump, my hump.

    Dear God, I will be singing that for the rest of the night, thanks for that. That has to be the MOST disturbing thing I have ever seen. Forget making someone gay or straight, that will just knock you off sex altogether!

  58. I saw that same look on my daughter’s face this summer. Then I cried. At Disney World. In front of a woman dressed like Cinderella.

    But THAT? Also totally worth it, especially because my daughter still glows when she talks about it. The mommy mush heart, it gets you, even when you think you’re too cool for it.

  59. The salami fighting association is hilarious and wrong and now all over my facebook. Thank you for the information your news blog provides.

    Amanda recently posted I saved a life yesterday.

  60. Aww! That picture of Hailey is the cutest thing ever!

    And, well, I’d already seen a video like that made from Harry Potter trailers on The Soup (back when The Goblet of Fire came out) so I didn’t feel terribly surprised by that, but it still made me laugh.

  61. Great, now all I want for Christmas is a really adorkable Jewish boy.

  62. Ouch! sorry about the maimung, it does show how much you are dedicated to your family and reading about good parents is always a pleasure to know.

    And you being a woman as well as a mother your daughter is lucky to have a mother who knows that there are times situations where it has to be their way or no way.

    even if it means a little sacrifice suffered to provide her the means to have it

  63. I love the “Be Nice” card. When you had the “logo” on your blog a few months ago I printed it out and showed some people because I thought it was hysterical. The majority of people I showed it to laughed nervously and didn’t get it. Needless to say, they are no longer my friends, but they give me clearance when I walk by and they always smile politely.

    Lookie Lou, TPPC.tv Web TV for Pet Lovers recently posted Note to self-If bitten by venomous snake while computing at home- don’t phone a friend.

  64. Is that your airport screening picture up there? If so… where’s the rest of you?

    If I were God recently posted The Squirreldog and other new creatures.

  65. My dear sweet aunt was once injured at Disney (World, not Land) — by falling down the stairs at one of their resorts, no less! They gave her a wheelchair and we totally used her to skip to the front of all the lines… even though she herself never rides rides anyway! Good times.

    Hoody Hoo recently posted My Cat Thinks I Cheat at Cards.

  66. 66
    Unbelievably Boring

    My goodness, that is a very emo doctor.

  67. ‘Wheelchair’ ‘Arm in a sling’ ???? Ok, so you CAN’T leave us hanging like that! Well, you must be ok, since you were able to write this post with the other hand and all.

    Looks like Disneyland was fun for Hailey, too.

    Kernut the Blond recently posted The Time Martin Sheen Saved My Life.

  68. I remember having that same look on my face when I met Ric Flair. I couldn’t believe he was real.

    Rico Swaff recently posted I Took the World by Storm on December 2nd- 1982.

  69. That is NOT your child. Tell the truth – that is a child actress making the “awe” face.

    Suebob recently posted How lucky can one person get.

  70. I kinda hate to wreck things by being #70. Number 69 is a far superior number. Love your store. And your boar. I’m pretty sure that if we do holiday cards this year that we will be among the last to wish everyone a happy new year. People should expect to receive them around May. Or just not expect them at all. Maybe I can farm them out like you have. Such a clever girl. Do you think there might actually be some sick bastard — and by sick bastard I mean wonderfully, inspired and tremendously helpful individual who enjoys doing other people’s holiday cards? If so, feel free to contact me! STAT!)

    Renee Schuls Jacobson recently posted End of the Semester Blues.

  71. Just saw the Harry Potter X-rated trailer and now *I’ll* never look at him the same. “I’m coming… all the time.” You’re doing God’s work here, Jenny. God’s work.

    Penelope recently posted Nausea and Me - AUmmmStory.

  72. OK, you know what? I just finished reading your sex column list and I am now scarred for life by the intimacy lump or whatever it is. And now? I find I must retract my last comment and instead issue a pox on your house. (Is that how you say that?) Only, I think you may already have a pox on your house and I really don’t want you to get injured/infected any more. Huh. So I’m out of ideas. I’ll get back to you.

    Penelope recently posted Nausea and Me - AUmmmStory.

  73. I hope to have that same look of awe on my face when I go to Disney World with my friends to celebrate our high school graduation. Except instead of it being innocent and because of Belle, it’ll be because we started singing The Rowing Song from Willy Wonka on the It’s a Small World ride.
    I hope you feel better. I have this vague notion that you’ve injured yourself before. Or maybe it was a bladder infection. You ought to check to see if you cut off the Antichrist in traffic; that might be where your problem resides.

  74. How in the world did I miss the porn pillows from the 70’s? I grew up in the 70’s and had older siblings that in no way resembled the Brady Bunch’s Johnny Bravo!!! Now I have gaps in what should have been a perfect childhood, lol.

    Jenn recently posted I’m Ebenezer Scrooge…Who Knew.

  75. Well, my boss isn’t a douche canoe, but apparently my school’s filters (or IT department) are.

  76. I didn’t know hair shows up on X-rays. Now I wonder whether HAIR shows up on the full-body scanners at the airports… I went through one today and… Hmm.

    At first I thought that was you. Belle. There is some resemblance there, no?

  77. What on earth happened in the magic kingdom?

    jane recently posted Best Eliquid.

  78. I thought I’d send this link to you in case you’d never seen a video from these guys. While all of their videos are hysterical, I think you’d appreciate this one just cause they fuck with an unsuspecting service guy. But see also the Mother’s Day video. I showed that one to my mother and she said “Wow….that was totally you and your sister…I mean, that IS you and your sister!”

  79. This just made my day– one of the little girls at my day care went to Disney for spring break last year and when she heard my favorite princess was Belle she got Belle’s autograph for me. Disney is an evil, expensive, tourist trap but they get away with it for moments like that and I can’t hold it against them as much when a four year old is telling me about the most magical day of her life!

    Meg recently posted Atlantic City Wedding!.

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