The Walking Dead is a terrible documentary. (Disclaimer: if you’re British, replace “suspenders” with “braces”. Otherwise this will make even less sense than usual.)

Conversation with Victor after watching the last episode of The Walking Dead:

Victor:  Meh.  Needs more zombies.

me:  Right? Plus, it’s entirely unrealistic because all of their zombies are still wearing pants.  In real life there’d be zombie junk everywhere.

Victor:  Um…what?

me:  Think about how many times a day you have to pull out a wedgie or hitch up your pants.  If you were a zombie you wouldn’t have enough humanity left to think about pulling up your pants even though they’d be slipping lower and lower since you’re running after people all the time so in real life most of the zombies would probably have their pants around their ankles by day two.  Except for the ones whose pants are being held up simply by the horrific wedgies that they can never pull out.  That’s the real tragedy of being a zombie.

Victor:  …Hmm.

me:  Well, that and that you eat all your friends.  And when your friends see you they’re all “Oh, well I guess that’s what Jenny’s vagina looks likeAAAAH!”

Victor:  They’re…screaming about your vagina?

me:  No.  They’re yelling because they were distracted by my vagina and then I ate them.  It’s like a really embarrassing zombie trap.  But yeah, they were probably screaming about my vagina too.  Zombie vagina.  That sounds fucking terrifying.

Victor:  Wow.  So…when the zombie apocalypse comes you think your vagina…will become a trap?

me:  Well, not an intentional one.  That’s why when the zombie apocalypse comes I’m going to put on suspenders first thing.

Victor:  Well good luck with your suspenders.  I’ll be getting out the riot gun and a samurai sword.

me:  You load the guns.  I’ll get our suspenders.

Victor:  “Our” suspenders?

me:  I bought some for you.  Wanna see them?

Victor:  You bought me suspenders…for the zombie apocalypse.

me:  Well, technically I bought you suspenders for the benefit of other people during the zombie apocalypse.  If the suspenders become necessary you’ll already be dead.

Victor:  Huh.

me:  I’m thinking of the greater good here.

Victor:  Stop talking.

me: Humanitarian suspenders.

Victor:  If the zombie apocalypse comes I’m killing you first.

me:  That’s probably a good plan.  There’s no way I’m surviving that thing.  But wait till I have my suspenders on first, just in case.

Victor:  No, I’ll make sure to behead you.  You will not coming back.

me:  Aw. Thanks babe.

And that’s why we will never get divorced.  Unless you count being beheaded as a divorce.  Which, I kind of do.


Unrelated: I can’t stop making stuff for my zazzle store.  Has the money I’ve made been worth the time I spend inventing offensive office supplies? Not. even. remotely.

109 thoughts on “The Walking Dead is a terrible documentary. (Disclaimer: if you’re British, replace “suspenders” with “braces”. Otherwise this will make even less sense than usual.)

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I completely agree about the suspenders. I also don’t understand why people on that show keep running out of guns when they are in GEORGIA.

  2. Jenny – you and Victor are so lucky to have found each other. Also, if when you become zombified can I have James Garfield?


  3. I would be afraid that people would think the ass magnet made me a democrat and then I would get voted out the next election.

  4. See, now that’s true love.
    My hubs and I were chatting about being stranded in the snow (much like the Donner Party)
    I told him I would have absolutely no qualms about eating him. He said he would eat me first because I have more meat and he’s just skin and bones. I told him that because he’s just skin and bones, he would die first and so therefore I would eat him.
    So see, we have the same kind of relationship.
    No mention was made of the kids, so they must have been at the sitters while we attended the Donner Party.

  5. Wow, that is true love. My husband would probably waste my time trying to save my life and shit, when he ought to just know I can’t outrun a zombie with my asthma — especially if they’re the crazy fast ones because they drank unicorn blood — so it’s just better to go ahead and chop off my head. It’s like he *wants* me to become a zombie.

  6. Love takes many forms, and clearly a beheading is a high tribute to Victor’s love for you, that and protecting those who would be bedazzled by the zombie vagina trap which I assume would grow teeth during the process. Clearly a toothy vajayjay is terrifying to non-zombies and zombies alike.

  7. Make sure you have the suspenders tight or they’ll slip off your shoulders when your arms get ripped off (as Zombie arms are prone to be.)

    Also, now I’m picturing Mork from Ork and his Rainbow suspenders, Zombiefied. Truly scary.

  8. I wore suspenders once briefly in the 80s. We did a lot of things I’m not proud of back then, frankly. I think I’d rather be a pantsless brain-eating zombie than go that route again. Zombies have the virtue of being static, fashion-wise. You won’t find a horde of zombies suddenly with their collars popped because some douchebag thought it would be a good idea to do that again, thirty years after I got over muscle cramps from not punching people in the face for doing it. Not that I could have, because my arms were tangled in my suspenders.

  9. I think there should be more study into the use of crabs as a means of fighting zombies. After all… zombies ARE dead flesh, right? UNLEASH the crabs. Talk about the worst STD ever. Or would that be a ZTD?

    Which then brings up the quandary… At what point do zombies simply become walking skeletons?

  10. The ass magnet joke doesn’t work here, because we rarely call them asses. Sad. Also, we don’t have llamas, so it doubly doesn’t work. I sort of want to buy one anyway, because I like donkeys. Except for the whole heeehawwwwing thing. (Have you heard them? OHMYGOD, they’d be terrifying if you were walking through a paddock at 2am. For serious)

  11. Awwww…. to be a zombie …….. I wish! It would take all the stress out of meal planning. You could just eat whichever person visited that day.

    People don’t think about the actual practicalities when then demonize zombies.

  12. “zombie vagina” thanks, that’s two years of therapy down the drain. slightly made up by the humanitarian suspenders… that is a charitable thought

  13. I need to get some suspenders, stat! Why didn’t I think of this? I am woefully unprepared for Zombies. I am covered in shame, which will make me even grosser when I’m a zombie, which I will be, considering how inadequately prepared I am for the zombie apocalypse.

  14. I just wanna bust singing the Power of Love just now. Maybe I just will cause not only was hilarious but really …. reallly truly touching.
    Victor loves you. He needs to get you something from Kays. Maybe a zombie encrested diamond? I would take two!
    “You don’t need money, don’t take fame. Don’t need no credit card to ride this train. It’s strong and it’s sudden and it’s cruel sometimes but it might just save your life. That’s the power of love. That’s the power of love”

  15. I’m totally ordering an ass magnet…then I can keep it in my cubicle and when people ask me why I’m acting the way I am…I’ll just point to my magnet…Self-explanatory.

  16. Suspenders in British English means a garter belt. I’m going to go ahead and replace that in my head when you talk about buying suspenders for you and Victor. Won’t really solve the problem at hand, but honestly the Rocky Horror Picture Show image is WAY more distracting and will probably get you WAY more food.

  17. I decided years ago that zombies are scary not for their rotten flesh, their unfortunate vocalizations or their eating disorders, but because they would (will?) smell really, REALLY bad. Adding any kind of vagina to that is just piling on.

  18. True love is beheading your spouse. I already made boyfriend promise to shoot me if I was bitten. At first he was all, “I want to keep you” and I had to lay it down and tell him, “You can’t keep my goddamn rotting, walking corpse. We don’t even have a basement and the attic is scary.” Semi-related, your conversations with Victor are my favorite thing on this blog.

  19. You know, for weeks I’ve been wondering why the character of Shane, the lumpy-nosed best friend/cop’s partner has his pants pulled up to his nipples. Now I realize he’s just a man who knows the risks and wants to retain some modesty if the unthinkable happens.

  20. Jenny, you won’t believe this but I can totally make an 8% donation to my iGive charity by buying your stuff on zazzle! this is so cool, I can totally buy your fabulous products AND use my shopping dollar to help New Spirit 4 Aussie Rescue! You are truly the best.

  21. Needs more zombies.

    RIGHT. How do you make a zombie TV show and forget the zombies?

    Of course, I have submitted my name for the contest, so hopefully I can give them some zombie lessons in season two.

    It is, however, refreshing to see a zombie movie where all the horrible things are being done by breathers, to breathers. Kind of like real life.

    That’s the real tragedy of being a zombie.


    Zombie vagina.


  22. You might remember that I suggested a popup vagina, on meth. for your upcoming book. Guess what I’m thinking now?

  23. You are such a nice person to have suspenders handy for the benefit of other people in the event that you become a zombie whose junk may distract them long enough for you to feast on their brains. Current live you believes that the well-being of your live friends is more important than feeding future zombie you.

  24. Zombies don’t run. So it may be day 3 before they lose their pants. And they stagger around, possibly prolonging the loss of pants until day 4 simply because their legs are always at a funny angle.

    Just sayin’.

  25. I smell a Nobel Peace Prize in your future! It kind smells like rotting flesh and new suspenders. You might not want it, but if you do you’ll have to rip it out of zombie Al Gore’s cold dead hands!

  26. Its all about censorship. They can’t show all the nudy zombies because of the “nature” of the “obscenity” and so they make it all vanilla with clothing. Its so lame.

  27. Jenny, I love you, but you’re going down the wrong path. Suspenders require fine motor skills, and that’s the first thing zombies lose, duhh. Obviously YOGA PANTS are the way to go for genital modesty in a post-apocalyptic society. That way, no matter how much weight you lose, your pants will adjust to your shrinking waistline, and you won’t have to fiddle with those clips, front AND back, no less. Can you really see a zombie twisting around to clip the suspenders on the back waistband of his or her pants? Now, some people might go the Lycra bike shorts route, and of course we can’t police that kind of thing, except to say that as long as *I’m* still a breather, I’m going to target anyone still sporting Lycra. As a survival fabric, it’s hopeless, because it’s so shiny it will reflect light like tinfoil, it doesn’t breathe, and talk about cutting off circulation to a dangerous degree. If you do become a zombie, you risk losing precious body parts to your snazzy Lycra shorts.
    If you are now wondering if one of your readers is possibly more obsessed with the coming apocalypse, or more disturbed, than you are, you are correct. My only misfortune is that I have not yet found my Victor, so I have no one to administer the coup de grace to my head with an axe should the unthinkable happen to me. You’re the luckiest woman in the world.

  28. @ Bridget – they’re in Atlanta. Not Georgia. BIG difference. Everyone in Atlanta is from Ohio.

    @ Brahm – Have you seen Dead & Breakfast?? Do. You’ll freaking love it. Singing, line-dancing zombies. And Jeffrey Dean Morgan and let’s face it that makes it worthwhile right there.

    @ The Bloggess – not to mention when you’re a zombie tending the lady garden isn’t exactly up there on the To Do list, so it’s like 70’s porno zombies.

  29. I don’t know, I’d vote for pantsless zombies. After all, pants or no pants, zombie junk would probably be the first thing to rot away. And since dozens of med students got to witness my first labor, and 6 different doctors had their hands up my vag during my second, I no longer care who looks up my zombie vag. Also, since the zombies would most likely eat me up first (I suck at running), I’d like to be able to point at their junk and laugh before they feast on my pasty flesh.

  30. There should be a YouTube channel devoted to re-enactments of conversations with you and your husband. I’d watch that shit. BEST. CHANNEL. EVER.

  31. Jenny, the coincidences are really piling up. You talk like me, laugh inappropriately like me, you have a blood disorder like me, and now you have had the same conversation with your husband that I have at least every month.
    “Victor: If the zombie apocalypse comes I’m killing you first”
    Change his name to Mark and this is how every conversation reaches its inevitable conclusion in my house. He doesn’t even care if I’ve been bitten! The first sign of trouble on the news or the first groan from a neighbor, he is going to cut my head off of shoot me, whichever tool happens to be at hand. I guess he’s doing me a favor really, I mean saving me from humiliating myself when I’m shuffling around with my pants at my ankles in our front yard.

  32. I have girlfriends who are ass-magnets.

    But it never occurred to me use it for merchandising. Because then, of course, I could have made money off their inexplicable ability to attract every crack-spackler in a nine country radius while simultaneously appearing supportive.

    I am SUCH a bad friend. Or a bad entrepreneur. Same difference.

  33. I know you get about a bazillion comments a day, but I’ve been reading your blog for a while and trying to be normal and silent but I just couldn’t contain myself when you started talking about The Walking Dead. I fucking love the Walking Dead. And, I live in Atlanta, so I get to have a bunch of nit-picky little criticisms about like, the weather, and the terrain of the mountain they’re on, and the accents, and shit. But I love it, and I actually mentioned you in an article about The Walking Dead on my blog, so I just had to tell you.

    Oh, and my boyfriend and I do zombie drills, just in case. So I totally understand.

  34. We had a post dinner conversation that would be impossible for me to repeat here in detail. Upshot was I made him promise to kill me in the Zombie Apocalypse. I am no athlete. And he says to me, “You stab them through the heart with a stake, right?” “Um, no. Better luck beheading.” Points given for knowing what a zombie was. Points taken away for not knowing what to do to one. Points in jeopardy for trying to tell me that only 2 people were ever raised from the dead and they were both in the Bible. And not even laughing when I said, “Unless you live in Haiti.”

  35. I am often shocked by their stupidity. Like dead army bodies aren’t going to have guns nearby? Geesh. I hope none of these people are near me when the zombie apocalypse starts. Luckily, my hubs has been stockpiling guns and ammo for years.

  36. My house-mates and I managed to spend about $100 on a combined natural disaster/ zombie apocalypse survival kit. We remembered the wooden stakes, and leather pants, but completely forgot the suspenders.

  37. I was forwarded here by someone else who understands what an important, nay, vital discussion this was. I am sending a preemptive “thanks” from my husband. He’ll be so excited when I snuggle up while he’s trying to watch UFC & ask, “why don’t we ever talk about the zombie apocalypse any more?”

  38. Humanitarian suspenders. A necessary evil in the event of a zombie apocalypse. That is, unless you don’t mind being undead and pantless.

  39. I usually don’t watch TV, and I certainly don’t watch horrific apocalyptic TV, but I got suckered into watching 4 hours of it the other night because I flipped on the TV and saw the Atlanta skyline and streets I know and buildings I enter sometimes during my work day, only there were dead people pawing all over the glass storefronts. And I got just scared enough to keep watching, so I’d know what areas of town to avoid this week. And knowing is half the battle.

  40. To add to Lynn @Walking with Scissors’s idea: The suspenders have to have zombie faces on them in the Zazzle store!

    Jenny, my unicorn could SOOOOO kick your zombie ass!

  41. Oh I totally disagree about the realism. Didn’t you see the girl zombie in the 90’s knit sack dress they shot in the head when escaping? (Whoops spoiler alert) People are totally still wearing that shit around… Plus she wouldn’t have to hitch up the dress all day.

    Perhaps they just need to add an 80’s bangs zombie (Aquanet would survive the zombie apocalypse) or a knit stirrup pant zombie. Those spandex stirrup pants would totally stay up.

  42. You are absolutely correct! They’d (we’d) be so emancipated that our pants and skirts will for sure fall off! I wonder whether Zombie Wedgies will be an adequate attack? I am not sure about suspenders’ staying on for too long though. They also become a liability, like long hair. How about we just wear Muumuus?

  43. To Do List in Event of Announcement of Zombie Apocolypse Outbreak (preferably before advised to run):
    1. Shave/Wax Cooch
    2. Put on a Dress & Running Shoes
    3. Find Machete
    4. Use Vag to distract hungry zombies (vag traps work both ways right?)

    Yeah… I’m doomed.

    PS My BF, Jack, says “Word” to the guy above who first mentioned that all vag’s are traps.

  44. Hold on to your hats, we’re going Off-Topic. (That was meant to sound like off-roading. Did it work? No. Let’s move on.)

    I can’t remember what I was reading but it was about the latest season of Doctor Who and they were describing how the new Doctor (Matt Smith) wore a bowtie and a tweed jacket and braces. And MY dumb ass thought they meant orthodontic braces and I was all, WAIT WAIT WHAT THE FUCK, did I seriously watch a full season of Doctor Who and not notice that Matt Smith has braceface?! And then for a good minute or so I was convinced that I was going blind and then I realized they meant suspenders.

    True story. Not particularly necessary or relevant, but true nonetheless.

  45. Just when I thought I had everything about zombie all figured you, you come up with the vagina trap! I don’t even know how to prepare for such a thing.

  46. Suspenders does indeed mean garter belt in the UK. Another one- fanny pack means vagina. Just so you’re aware that if you’re preparing for the zombie massacre with a British friend and you tell them to put on their suspenders and put extra ammunition in their fanny pack, you may not get the originally intended result.

    (Btw, as an American living in Edinburgh I discovered those word changes in a conversation in a very upscale men’s store, and while complimenting the accessory worn by an older female professor on a hiking trip, respectively. I really do think that they should hand out translation guides when you get your visa.)

  47. Suspenders, clever idea.
    Personally, I’ve been lobbying for rollerblades for the survivors. You tell everyone it’s to help them escape, but really it’s because I figure zombies can’t work roller blades. That way, there’s none of that “Oh noes, Jenny is zombified, but I can’t kill Jenny!” [MUNCH] “ARRRGH!” So what if we can’t kill you? You’ll be trying to crawl about with rollerblades on, we’ll be able to get away from you and your zombie cooter (which you’ll have hidden with your suspenders. Actually, I think crawling zombies are even more likely to lose their pants).
    Also, I took a quiz that said I would survive the zombie apocalypse, but I think the theory of how to survive is not the same as having the upper-body strength to decapitate zombies.

  48. Hey, I just realized something… you didn’t get any suspenders for Hailey! You really *are* a Bad Mom – now go get her some suspenders ASAP, because we don’t want to encourage the pervs when the Zombie Apocalypse happens!

    Also, I think I am going to have to order one of those “feeling stabby” mugs.


  49. Wow. I made the mistake of reading this post while I was on hold with the unemployment people—i could not stop laughing. they probably thought i was stoned or drunk or something… well worth it. thanks!

    will have to hurry out and find 2 adult and 2 kid pairs of suspenders…

  50. You are hilariously amazing!!!!
    Love ya.
    I think your hubster is great too… my husband would never allow me to have a conversation like that he sooo boring and stiff.

    How is your arm by the way?

  51. When you get the heads-up that the zombie apocalypse is coming please let me know. Doug has at least 30 pairs of brand spanking new suspenders he got at Neiman-Marcus from back in the day when he thought he was going to be a suspender guy. I’d like to open a suspender kiosk for all the zombies when the right time comes.

  52. I’m so glad to know my husband and I aren’t the only ones who find romance while watching zombies devour each other’s brains. Personally, I think the living dead get a bad rap. If you have fabulous fashion sense in real life who’s to say you wont have it when you’re dead? As for me? Even if I lose my pants (which will be True Religion) my vajayjay will be perfectly waxed and probably vajazzled. And my hair will be done (I mean the hair on my head). And when I’m eating your brain, it will be with a knife and fork. People may die, but good manners don’t have to.

  53. I just wanted to make sure, and according to google, you are indeed the first and only person to use the term “Humanitarian Suspenders”.

    Congratulations. *modest clapping*

  54. I just read this out loud to my husband. He wants to know how you remembered a conversation that long. Suspenders or no, he thinks you’re already a zombie. True?

  55. I am wondering why my comment from yesterday is ‘still awaiting moderation’? I thought it was pretty well reasoned, and I did conclude you were the luckiest woman in the world.

  56. I Totally agree about the pants/zombie thing. In a Zombie apocolypse there would totally be more Vagina, but dead, gross, icky, oozy Vagina which in itself is pretty much the most horrifying thing imaginable.. I’m pretty sure if a female naked ozzy vagined zombie was approaching me I would scream not only for the fear of being eaten alive.. but because well.. you get it.
    I think in preperation for the zombie apocolypse we should all stock up on suspenders.. perhaps a few pasties and lots and lots of Monistat and FDS. That way when our neighbors are being eaten we can eat a plethora of Monistat and spray the shit out of ourselves with FDS and strap up our pants with suspenders ( Just in case) addition to icky cooters.. dead, gross, icky, oozy penis’s. Im not sure which is more terrifying to be honest.
    Although… I imagine this is sadly similiar to what those poor unfortunate souls whom have slept with the jersey shore cast have experienced. Except the dead part.

  57. dude, i am not even going to begin to tell you why i happened to be using google to look up zombie vagina this evening (let’s blame it on KAREN and her prompt for #reverb10 and how everything different is BEAUTIFUL…even vaginas, naked zombie ones) and THERE YOU WERE. You are already your own apocalypse so I suggest, honestly, that you just start wearing the suspenders now and make sure Victor isn’t bringing a riot gun and Samurai sword to bed! xox

  58. Because this post was so awesome, I brought it up to my husband last night. He is, unfortunately, blessed with a bag full of logic banging around in his big ole head and pointed out that 1) Most zombies would still have their underpants on and 2) He would be less concerned about seeing zombie private parts than getting eaten. I questioned him over and over again about the Dignity Factor but he just didn’t seem to be bothered about other survivors YouTubing him getting eaten by a zombie in Scooby Doo boxer shorts, LAUGHING at him at him no less. Then he stopped listening to me completely even though I brought up unicorns who shat cheese sandwiches (his very favorite thing being a vegetarian and all) and I think started googling divorce lawyers.

  59. After reading all these comments it appears to me that I’m not alone in the world and, I tell you, this makes me pleased as punch it does. I thought I was the only who worried about the Zombiepocalypse. It makes me rest easier at night, knowing there are others out there who worry about it as much as I do. Unfortunately I never thought about what would happen if I were to ever become a zombie. I’m pretty sure naked as the day I was born is not on my top ten list of things to do as a zombie. Thankfully I’m uber-prepared for the Zombiepocalypse so I’ll probably never have to worry about this sort of thing.


  60. Ass Magnet… Seriously, an Ass Magnet. It isn’t a llama and I didnt think of it… Bloody Fucking Genius.

    Ass Magnet – I just can’t get over it.

    Ass Magnet. I must own one….

    P.S. My baby thinks she is a zombie already… Its *basically* Awesome.

  61. The Ass Magnet will look great next to the Bloggess magnet already stuck on the wee fridge in my office at work. Which is full of beer, Diet Coke and a few liters of liquid Paxil (you can get it, just tell your doctor to write the Rx for the pediatric version, you’re welcome.) All I need when the zombie hordes descend.

  62. Hey Jenny,
    How ’bout you quit making shit for Zazzle and get to writing that god dammed book I’ve been waiting to read for, I don’t know, like fucking ever! I’ll check back in with you as soon as I finish my Chanukah shopping on Zazzle.

  63. Just wanted to say that while discussing the “necessary” accessories for our 97 Jeep Wrangler in case of a zombie apocalypse, my husband pointed out that we needed to keep suspenders in the glove box. :0)

  64. Please forgive this super late comment. I am always late in all things. I do need to know, though – when will Humanitarian suspenders be in your Zazzle store? I feel like I need to own humanitarian suspenders and I really should only be buying them from you.

  65. See, I’m British, and I read your warning about the suspender/braces confusion, and yet I STILL GOT CONFUSED! it is so ingrained in my head that suspenders keep stockings up, and I did get a very strange(r) mental image!

  66. Hello, i think that i saw you visited my web site so i came to “return the favor”.

    I am attempting to find things to improve my website!
    I suppose its ok to use some of your ideas!


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