And this is *exactly* why I don’t trust PR people.

Okay, so last week I got an email asking if I was interested in interviewing Katherine Heigl and I ignored it because I’m irresponsible.  I also ignored the email I got on the same day asking if I wanted to interview the guy who plays Sportacus on Lazy Town (true story).  The Lazy Town person gave up after the first email but the PR chick from the Katherine Heigl interview sent me another email telling me that Katherine Heigl specifically asked for me to be on the call.  Then I realized it was one of those “interviews” where a lot of bloggers get on at once to ask questions and I never do those but I thought it would be rude to not send Katherine a question if she specifically asked me for one.  So I emailed the PR chick back:

Hi Adrienne,

I did get your email but I’m not actually free on the 24th.  I’m flattered though that Katherine reads my blog and I do actually have one question to ask.  I’m sure she’s swamped but perhaps you could pass this along and she could just email me back with her answer?  Here is my question:

Hi Katherine!  Can you please settle an argument that my husband and I are having?  In your last movie you call the baby that you have to adopt “Sofie”.   I say it’s probably short for “Sofa” but my husband says that’s ridiculous because it would be irrelevant to shorten “Sofa” to “Sofie” since they both take exactly the same amount of time to say.  I retorted that maybe her full name is “Sofa-Cushion” and he said that was ludicrous because “real people don’t have hyphens in their first names” because apparently he’s never heard of T-Pain or Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Boy.  He thinks “Sofie” more likely short for “Softball”.  Can you please settle this for us?

Hugs,  Jenny

Then Adrienne informed me that they would do the call another day and tried to get me to put up a widget or giveaway something.  I don’t know.  I wasn’t really paying attention at that point because I was drunk.  My response to Adrienne:

I might be able to do the 27th but I don’t do giveaways  or widgets on my blog so I’d probably just write about the call and put a link to the movie at most.  Will I be able to ask my question though or is this one of those calls where you just end up listening and never speaking?  Because I think this sofa-softball issue is one that movie-goers are wondering about.

Also, I have a follow-up question for Katherine about leaving my daughter to her in case of my untimely death because I plan on bestowing joint guardianship to Katherine and Oprah.  Can you let me know if Katherine and Oprah have any bad blood between them, because if so we need to work that shit before I put anything in writing.  Also, Flo from the Progressive commercials will be named as an adopted Aunt because I think she’ll be good at keeping things light-hearted whenever Oprah started taking herself too seriously.  And for my daughters adopted uncle I’m choosing Sea-biscuit, because who doesn’t want a pony for an uncle?  Fuck.  *I* want a pony for an uncle.  My husband isn’t totally on board with this yet.  Probably because of the hyphen in Sea-Biscuits name.  I’m not sure what his problem is.

I never got a clear answer from Adrienne but I went ahead and called in an hour ago to listen to the call AND THEY NEVER EVEN ASKED MY QUESTIONS.  Like, not even one, y’all.  Because apparently no one cares if my orphaned child is raised in a hostile environment.  Or maybe because Katherine Heigl wants to use the name “Sofa-Cushion” for her next child and didn’t want everyone else stealing it.

Conclusion: Katherine Heigl is a little bit selfish and Sportacus needs to find more aggressive PR people.

PS.  I’m totally renaming all of my cats “Sofa-cushion” out of sheer spite.

PPS.  Katherine Heigl is really very nice and now that I’m thinking about it I’m sure she probably did not intentionally kabosh my questions because that would be fucking insane. More likely Adrienne decided to steal my questions and submit them to Katherine as her own so that Katherine and Oprah would adopt her child.  And this is exactly why I never trust PR people.

195 thoughts on “And this is *exactly* why I don’t trust PR people.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Wait, dude: You turned down *Sportacus*?
    My kids would flail you mercilessly.

    PS: If you do ever change your mind and interview him, please ask him where I can get one of those kick ass outfits he wears.

  2. I woulda gone for the Sportacus interview. He’s kinda hot, and the accent is cool. Plus, he can like walk on his hands! What’s not to love???

  3. Just a thought, but Sofie could be short for “So Fucking Wrong that I didn’t Name You Jenny after The Bloggess!”

    Again, just a thought. Because if my asshole uterus wasn’t totally broken and I could spawn again, I’d totally name my kid Sofie for that very reason. I’m just saying.

    By the way…I killed my uterus; it’s not really an asshole.

  4. I’ve had it up to here with these spoiled stars naming their children weird things like Apple and Sofa-Cushion. Even if it is in movies. Oh, wait, that Apple thing is in real life.

  5. Now I wonder if it’s too late to change my daughter’s guardian in my POA documents. I’ll have to call my lawyer. You can have Oprah and Katherine, but I’m taking Donald Trump. If I’m going to die and orphan my child, she’s gonna get a gilded something out of it.

  6. I can’t believe you passed up on interviewing Sportacus. I’d have asked about creepiness on the set. First, you have those too-real-to-be-puppets-too-fake-to-be-people characters. Then, you have Sportacus and Stephanie. The latter is clearly underage and yet there’s something unwholesome about the Sportacus-Stephanie relationship. Or maybe I’m reading too much into the show. It wouldn’t be the first time. (Shelves the “Max and Ruby’s Parents Constantly Stoned Out Of Their Minds Thus Explaining Their Lack Of Appearance Even Though The Author Insists They’re Alive And There” theory for another post.)

  7. Is there some kind of you’ve-made-it-in-the-blogging-world tier? Like:

    1) You start a blog
    2) Google Analytics says people are reading your blog but no one comments
    3) ….Other steps go here that I do not know yet
    ….
    7) You are invited to join blogging circle interview things, and you are excited
    8) You are invited to join blogging circle interview things, and you can choose to ignore them because your readership is astronomical and you don’t need to publicize yourself
    9) You are Jenny the Bloggess
    10) You surpass Jenny the Bloggess [hypothetical: not yet achieved by anyone in known or unknown universe]

  8. What about Sofa-King-Cushion? Because then when you yelled at the cat’s it’s be like you yelling “COME HERE So F*cking Cushion!” … hmm … now that I think about it, that doesn’t make sense either. Unless you’re like me and like to swear just because.

  9. Very rude – I can’t believe after all that they didn’t ask your question. I’d block Katherine Heigl from your website. hmm. I don’t know if you can do that. Then maybe just add to your heading something like: For ALL readers. Except Katherine Heigl. This means YOU. And Sofa-Cushion is an IMPORTANT question!!!!

  10. Some one wanted me to put The Christ back in Christmas wih Chocolate and I said I highly doubted that THE CRHIST would show up for an m&m but how insane would that be if he just liked *POOF* appeared and said give me all your god damned m&m’s!

  11. I think she probably didn’t ask your question because it is short for Sofitel, and there is probably a gag order relating to a lawsuit from the hotel company.

    Also, I believe that Katherine is one of Oprah’s secret sisters. I don’t know if that will make the adoption easier or harder.

  12. I’m laughing!
    Sofa-cushion, your cat will have to share the name with my dog. Plus, I think Flo on the Progressive commercials would make a fabulous aunt. She’s younger than me but I’ll take her anyway. I bet she drives a vintage convertible.
    I need you handy when I get telemarketing calls. 🙂
    dahlila xo

  13. You would think that if Katherine really asked for you, she would of done a shout-out to you on the call?

  14. I don’t even know Sportacus. Spartacus, yes. He’s way hot.
    I’m glad to hear that Katharine Heigl is nice, because I love her! I mean, it’s a shallow kind of love, based on pictures and movies and television and the fact that she has an adopted child because she loves her adopted sister so much or something like that. And? Because she has hips and thighs. Well, most people do, probably – but I mean that they are not just bones with a skin covering. They’re luscious and curvy. And I am not a lesbian, but it kind of sounds like I am.

  15. I think Katherine just felt that your questions were better answered in person, especially the 2nd one. I’m sure she’s planning an “Yes I’ll Be a Joint Guardian to Your Child” party to surprise you. And she’s working out all the details to make sure that Oprah, Flo AND Sea-Biscuit make it too. Bcuz obviously. They totally HAVE to be there for that.

    -OR-

    She’s waiting until you’re on your deathbed and will come sweeping into the ICU all flowy and fairy-like to give you the news that OF COURSE she will be joint guardian of your child. So after years and YEARS of worrying and stressing, she tells you this so that you pass away in peace and go to heaven knowing that you have nothing to fear, making her your SAVIOR. What a bitch.

  16. I just figured out what happened. “Adrienne” wasn’t Katherine’s PR Person. It was just Robbie Rotten in disguise trying to keep you from interviewing Sportacus! (Sadly, I haven’t watched this show with my kids in years and I *still* know the characters’ names. They’re seared into my brain.)

  17. I for one didn’t want a horse for an uncle. Put a horn on it, however, and it would be a UNICORN – which would be f’n AWESOME as a relative!

    ~EdT.

  18. You should have addressed your e-mails “Yo Adrienne” because she’s in the movie business and she totally would have got the Rocky reference and asked your questions to Ms. Heigl. (Also try addressing Katherine as Ms. Heigl, it’s more flattering even though it doesn’t sound it.)

  19. I think you need to be more aggressive about this, Jenny. I mean, this is a serious matter. Now you don’t know if Katherine is willing to accept the responsibility of your child or not! You can’t just name someone the guardian of your child and never tell them that if you die they have to take care of your kid, That’s fucked up.

    OH WAIT

    That’s the plot of ‘Life As We Know It’.

  20. That Katherine is a tricky character.

    I don’t understand why they would hound you, reschedule, then ignore you. I guess either way, that beyotch has got her name on your blog at least 10 times, so she’s got that.

    I want PR people to call me! NO, wait… actually, no I don’t, I hate answering/talking on the phone.

    Good job, Jenny! Sofa cushion seems reasonable.

  21. I agree, Unicorn Uncle would be way better. Team Unicorn ALWAYS wins. Because we just don’t give a fuck about human society.

    Wait, now I’M a unicorn …

  22. Hey, if you ever want to interview me, just say the word. I promise to answer all sofa-cushion-related questions to the best of my abilities.

  23. I tried to get on that call, but after I referred to Katherine Heigl as looking a bit like a hammerhead shark/Barbie hybrid, I was put on The List.

  24. OMG. I just saw someone tweet that they were “going off to interview Katherine Heigl.” I thought it was like a PERSONAL interview. Aha! The Bloggess reveals the truth.

    And I’ve always found Sportacus a bit hot, in a Scandinavian-pencil-thin-mustached sort of way.

    Or is it Iceland?

  25. Don’t you remember what Frank Zappa named his children. They were Moon Unit, Dweezil, Ahmet Emuukha Rodan and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen. I think I would hate to be stuck with the name Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen. Their parents must have been taking a lot of magic mushrooms to come up with those names. I think I would like the name Moon Unit. No one else in the whole world would have that name. Come to think of it, no one in the whole whole would have any of those names.

  26. How ironic. Our daughter really is named Sofa-Cushion. I wish I would have thought of Sofie as a nickname. We went with SoCu. When I call her name, people think I’m trying to say Sudoku & will try to correct me. I get so disgusted that I make SoCu get her brother, Fold-Out-Couch (“FOC”), & then tell him to elbow them in the eye.

  27. Ok I just laughed my ass off through this whole ting….and then I read the comments and I can’t decide what’s funnier, this amazing post or the fact that half the commenters are simply stuck on you skipping the chance to interview Sportacus!!! Pure gold I tell ya

  28. I’m with you. Those are great questions. But am a little disappointed you didn’t get to interview Magnus Scheving (Sportacus) because he’s Icelandic, and as you probably know all Icelandic men have an uneven number of nipples (most often 3, but sometimes 5), and I would imagine you’d have asked him about that. From a fitness viewpoint of course.

  29. I cannot believe you turned down Sportacus. The dude is hot. What the fuck were you thinking?

  30. Katherine adopted a child of her own, so she probably nixed your questions once she knew you wanted her to take care of another kid *in addition* to her own.
    You should have sold her some of the Mommy cards, they rock so much that even a celebrity should be able to get it. If they are also a mother, of course.

  31. Why on earth would you name a kitten Sofa-Cushion if you have Sportacus just sitting there?

    Is it the hyphen? Fine. “Sport-a-cus.”

    Oooh….that’s a lot like “Sport-o-cuss,” which now that I think about it should totally be in the next Olympics.

  32. I hate it when Katherine Heigl doesn’t answer my questions in interviews.
    … Oh. Wait… That never happened. Mostly because I’ve never been invited to interview her before.

  33. Dammit, we thought when Katherine “specifically asked for your blog to be there” that for the first time ever in history, it was true and it wasn’t just some sneaky PR line that was sent to everyone. What’s that expression about “fool me 6,042 times, shame on me…” ?

  34. As a PR person, I can say with authority that PR people cannot be trusted.

    Except me.

    So now that trust has been established….

    Wanna interview my client?

  35. Won’t the cats get confused with the same name? How about you name one sofa and one cushion.

  36. I bet it’s all Adrienne’s fault. Silly woman didn’t even tell Katherine your PRESSING questions. Because I desperately need to know what Sofie is short for. I was sure it was Sofreakingcute. Because that’s totally what I would name MY daughter. Because she would be. Obviously.

  37. Look, I can clear this up for you….My daughter is named Sophie and it IS indeed shortened from Sopha-Cushion! For a nickname we just call her Sopha-Monster. True story, we do call her Sopha-Monster…And Sopha- Pants. Sopha-Pants sound comfy, don’t they?

    See, you didn’t need Katherine Heigl for an answer to that question. You should have just asked me in the first place!

  38. You could have sang the PIRATE SONG! Oh, woe betide you, Jenny the Bloggess!

    Also, Flo has that awesome trained dog now, she could babysit your kid and have him get her snacks. What kid wouldn’t want a pony for an uncle AND a dog that fetched them stuff? That would totally kick playground butt!

  39. I met Sporticus about 5 years ago, not as sexy in person. All those flips and such really muss up his hair and moustache sweat is not sexy.. Lmao!

  40. I liked Katherine better in Grey’s anatomy, when she was surrounded by sexy often shirtless men.
    And I’m sure “Adrienne” is changing her name to Sofa-Cushion as I type this.

    I wish I could interview Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow and ask if “Apple” is a short for anything. Because naming a kid “Apple” is just MEAN.
    Imagine the amount of Steve Jobs jokes?

  41. I can’t believe my first comment here is going to be: You passed on Sportacus!? Can you get that offer back? I would read the hell out of that.
    Also, while I don’t think my 3-year-old would care that much, my husband would die. He loves Sportacus.

  42. It’s so funny that you were thinking of leaving your kids to Kate and Oprah. I am leaving my kids to Oprah too! And I don’t mean just in the event of my untimely death. I mean just because I am OVER this whole mom thing already. I’m tired. I figure I’ll just put them in bassinets and leave them on the first stoop of HARPO before the season ends they’ll be just fine. They are 12, 9 and 8 by the way. Do they even make bassinets that big?

  43. So true, the comments ARE funnier than the blog. But only almost. Your post still rocks it, though, and what would be the comments without the post – nothing.

  44. Funny thing is my real name is Sofa-Cushion but I got tired of people calling me Cush (and sometimes Cushy-Tushy) so I changed it to Jana. True story.

  45. Flo is pure genius. Oprah and Katherine, not so much-everybody wants THEM. If I were you I’d consider Jennifer Aniston because she is not having the best of luck but seems to be a really nice person. You really do need to think outside the box!

  46. –>I think you have a better shot at Katherine adoptioning if you mention the child is from a third world country. Or New Jersey. Same difference.

  47. I’m laughing so hard that I am crying a little!
    The Sea-Biscuit as an uncle comment and Skip’s retort are my favorites. I guess I should go find my children now.

  48. If I weren’t on my phone I’d look up details, but the bad guy on “Lazy Town” who wears the chin boob prothetic is hot (witout the chin boob, that is), meaning you could have requested a double-daddy orphan solution, albeit slightly hostile (yet amazingly flexible). Seriously, you drink too much to miss these things. As for Heigl, betcha she’s going to outfit a whole livingroom. Microwavenia is taken, by the way.

  49. Dude, If you are not being offered 5 minuits of the artist or performers time then it is a sham interview that should be left to starstruck noobs who dont know any better. As for those PR people, they are damaging their reputation and that of their clients with these shady tactics. Honestly, couldn’t they find a job as a used car salesman or tobacco lobbyist?

  50. You really need to add a ‘hot damn that’s cool’ button for those lazy people like me who love reading your post but are just too damn apathetic to think of a proper response.

    Good job. I am roused to type.

    But I think you’ve now given me nightmarish visions of Oprah and Katherine Heigl fighting so much over your orphaned child, that they tear the child in two. Like a sofa-cushion. Oh, I shall never sleep again.

  51. Dude seriously – general consensus is that you biffed it passing on Sportacus. But I’m laughing because there’s going to be a Google search at some point where it auto-fills in “Sportacus sofa-cushion Katherine Heigl” followed by “Sportacus Katherine Heigl Oprah Flo” and “Sportacus sofa-cushion softball Katherine” and some poor soul is going to stop typing and click on one of those links and end up here and…
    Well you know the rest. All of us that end up here never really leave. And we get snarkier.

    p.s. If I were Katherine Heigl I’d so totally want the chance to answer the sofa-cushion softball question – I mean, come ON… chance to be creative and funny in advance. What celebrity doesn’t want that?

  52. I think France has the monopoly on hyphenated first names. I am now suspicious that perhaps Victor is anti-French. Have you noticed Victor burning any fleur-de-lys symbols or refusing to eat croissants?

  53. So my name is Sophie but it’s actually short for Sophonisba, and I’m pretty sure at some point in my childhood i did get called Sofacushion, which was admittedly less hurtful than “So-fart-niz-butt”. Anyway thanks for bringing up painful memories.

  54. Just for that, I’m never helping you make out with Tim Gunn EVER AGAIN.

    Oh, Stephanie. You’re one of the good ones. ~ Jenny (bloggess)

  55. Jenny, you need to seriously rethink this whole custodial thing. I understand that every child would love to have a pony for an uncle but you know what they WOULD NOT like? Having a dead pony for an uncle. Seabiscuit is dead. He died in 1947. Can you imagine how traumatizing it will be for your daughter when Uncle Seabiscuit comes to pick her up for a fun day at Disneyland and he turns out to be a pony that’s been dead for 63 years?? Not to mention the fact that the only way he’d be able to pick her up in the first place is because he’s obviously a zombie horse. DON’T DO IT!!

  56. Who the fuck is sportacus? And why is he/she/it so freaking popular?
    I guess I could google it, but the first thing that would come up will probably be this post.

    BTW, if the child’s name is sofa-cushion, she should definitely have it legally changed when she turns 18. Its really the only choice.

  57. Even NORMAL names can be hyphenated! I’m looking in your direction, Mary-Ann. And Bobbie-Sue. And Sofa-Cushion. See? All normal names. All hyphenated.

    Also, I think having a horse for an uncle would be awesome, even if it WAS a dead horse, if only because I can think of a lot of fun things to do with a horse skull. ESPECIALLY if the horse skull was my uncle.

  58. Sportcus is hot. I am at home with my three little girls all day and we ALL stop what we are doing to catch the opening to Lazy Town. I may or may not have a ‘personal neck massager’ that I’ve named Sportacus.

  59. DO you think Sportacus and the guy from Yo Gabba Gabba share outfits? Or do you think they just have the same awesome design team? Probably the same person who designs the skin suit for Slim Goodbody.

  60. I think you’re confused about Sea-Biscuit. The race horse “Seabiscuit” spells his name without a hyphen and would make an excellent uncle. However “Sea-Biscuit”, with a hyphen, is a poser. I think he’s actually a meth head. Nobody wants a meth head pony (meth-head-pony?, meth-head pony?) for an uncle.

    Its another example of the hyphenated-name-people-are-just-bad-news thing. So I guess what I’m saying is, your husband’s right.

  61. Holy crap, Heigl…did you learn nothing from Shatner? We are a vengeful people. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

  62. I totally have a mom-crush on Sportacus, although Robbie Rotten is probably more my type.

    Since you’ve named the kitten Anderson Cooper, I’ve stolen Bob Barker to use on our new lab puppy.

  63. I wouldn’t let Oprah have your kid.
    There’s something just not right about her BFF Gail.
    I haven’t put my finger on it yet, but when I do come up with it, I’ll let you know.
    I’m on to something big though, I know it.

  64. Lazy Town seriously creeps me out. It’s like everybody got hit by that evil curse from Mannequin but it only worked half way and now they’re doomed to live out their days as half-plasticized monsters with bad haircuts. …which might be a decent idea for a horror movie but a kids’ show? Not so much. Unless it’s directed by Tim Burton.

  65. “Probably because of the hyphen in Sea-Biscuits name.” – My favorite part. I laughed outloud. And then people looked at me funny. Since I’m supposed to be doing work right now. And apparently 1099s aren’t funny. Oh well. But is there really a hyphen? I thought it was Seabiscuit… (Actually, who fucking cares? That shit was funny.)
    Oh and I think Aunt Flo > Oprah.

  66. You watch Katherine Heigl movies? Never would have guessed it. Maybe the one where she’s prego.. I watched that.

    FYI, katherine never got wind of your questions. The PR wench censored and now Katherine will never know the genius that is Jenny. Until she reads this. And grows a set to comment.

  67. I bet Katherine Heigl does read your blog and is PISSED she didn’t get a question from you. I’m positive she was hoping for the unicorns vs. zombies question, because she looks like the kind of person who has well thought out theories on the zombie apocalypse.

  68. I had to google Sportacus because I had never heard of him and what I found was this creepy looking guy seems to be a famous sexual fantasy for mom’s who watch too many of their kids shows…

  69. Oh. Maybe I should answer my Landline Phone That Only Really Receives Telemarketer Calls.

    Katherine Heigl is ignoring your questions because she is still traumatised by The Sofa-Cushion Incident.
    Also because she doesn’t want to admit that she used the name Sofi because she couldn’t pronounce the girl’s real name: Esky.
    Hang on wait, that’s my imaginary child’s name.

  70. Waitasec. You wrote up there, “it was one of those “interviews” where a lot of bloggers get on at once to ask questions” and I read that and my eyebrows raised and I wondered what the blue moon are you writing about? I never heard of a phone call like that. I’m not asked to participate in such calls.

    And, I’ve never heard of Sportacus (and, yes, I visited Wikipedia since) but Katherine rocks.

  71. You are fucking hysterical. Please write a book and have a signing so I can get my picture taken with you.
    I’m serious!

  72. made a comment earlier about Jennifer Aniston. All day I was obsessed with who this Sportacus dude was. Then I googled him. Really wish I hadn’t.

  73. Lazy Town; thanks for reminding me about that one. Another reason to be glad my daughters are teenagers (I cling to each reason, believe me).

  74. My favorite PR people are the ones who ask me to do $5,000 worth of work for the opportunity to give away 3 pounds of rotten sausage. I wouldn’t have taken that call either, but only because I once got into a fist fight with Oprah.

  75. I know you have your heart set on Sea-Biscuit as the uncle, but might not you consider Mr. Ed instead? He’s less of a drama queen /and/ he can talk, which really is better because then he can call your kid’s school and make up stories about how they’re sick but really just take them to theme parks.

  76. My first question was who the fuck is sportacus, then I googled him and felt like I had killed a few too many braincells. The shit we let our kids watch. Second Sofa-cushion is a rasist term used to enslave furnature. Just thought you’d want to know.

  77. I’m totally confused now. who the hell is Sportacus?? I even bestirred my lazy self enough to click the link and I STILL don’t know…..

  78. k. you need to hit that shit up. Sportacus is wayy sexy, He’s like, the only good thing Iceland has come up with, well, other than fish and tin foil. Plus, He speaks Icelandic, which is like the hardest language to speak cuz they’re very particular about that, so you know that he’s going to be tidy. uhh.. yeah.. And have you seen his thighs? srsly. He doesn’t need PR. His thighs are his own PR. 2 examples.
    1. http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRAzFhIx39l3DnIeQMbn0PROVKnfySoFl0UjEVU68Jf-QHrvell
    2. http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTWU4BRxtIkCIpTTEUPuhKN8kIJb0fmifsRBKClad31XZPzmBNHnQ
    Plus, he’s into kids. In a good way. like health wise. he’s like an icelandic Jack Lalanne.
    sorry about the essay, but he’s my fantasy goodies.

  79. Tell Victor I am terribly offended, as I am a REAL PERSON despite my hyphenated first name. But then again, my mother kept my legal name a secret from my father and I until I was ten years old. Which, in hindsight, was slightly sociopathic of her…

    Okay now I’m paranoid.

    Maybe this is some kind of “Reverse Pinocchio Syndrome” – now that I know my name is hyphenated, I’m not a real person.

    Does it work like that?

  80. I don’t know who Sportacus is either. And no, I have not yet Googled him (?) because someone up there said they wish they hadn’t. I’ve had way too many run-ins with Google that I wish I hadn’t. Live and learn.

    Also? Please don’t give any children to Oprah. Or Katherine Heigle. Both are foolish. Though if I had to pick one, I guess I’d pick Oprah. Reluctantly.

    WAIT. If I *really* had to pick, I’d pick… The Bloggess! Jenny, will you take my kids? (You should know I don’t have any, but someday I guess I might – and you can totally re-name them Sofa-Cushion – maybe just without the hyphen.)

  81. Sportacus.

    Jumping. Cartwheels. French accent AND a Luigi moustache?

    Guys like that are driving up the cost of Axe Body Spray for the rest of us.

    Asshole.

  82. HOly crap…you’re too funny!! My girl over at ‘confessions of a cornfed girl” said you were a hoot! Humor is my go-to all the time. You are laugh out laud funny and I can’t wait to read more!!!

  83. damn it. i always thought that katherine heigl would be cool. now i’m sadpanda about it.

    BUT. what if, what if she really did request you be there? and the pr people are just fuckwads who were like, ‘jenny the blogWHAT? oh, you mean the crazy fuck who asked a question about naming a sofa? yeah, she wasn’t available.’ and maybe katherine heigl was also sadpanda about it thinks that you think that you’re better than she is. and she’s sitting in her bed, probably naked and drunk (because why not) plotting a way to get back at you.

    AND IT’S ACTUALLY THE PR ASSHAT’S FAULT!!!

    watch your back, jenny. she played a doctor on television, i’m sure she could kill you and make it look like an accident.

    <3

  84. Jenny, I think Vinny on Jersey Shore refers to his penis as “Sea Biscuit” so you may want to go for extra clarity on exactly which Sea Biscuit you mean when you’re writing your will.

    If you do mean Vinny’s penis, no judgment. Just thought I’d mention it.

  85. There are no words. Too funny. You’re right, you know, Oprah would make a kick ass guardian-especially now that she’s “retired” and has lots of time to spend with kids. Forget about ponies, “You get a unicorn, and you get a unicorn…”

  86. My three year old daughter would be totally pissed that you passed up the chance to meet Sportacus. She has all kinds of questions she could ask him in an interview!

  87. Hey – I was on that call too. As soon as I heard that you were on, I started yelling to my co-worker, “Holy crap! The Bloggess is on! She’s that funny chick that I always tell you about! She’ll have some good questions.” – And then, there we sat… waiting… and waiting… and… NO BLOGGESS QUESTIONS?! WTF?!

    PS – Not sure how the heck I got invited on the call… I think my mom is pretty much the only person that even reads my blog. (I hope she enjoys the widget.)

  88. Taking notes for my next PR assignment…be persistent. Grow a sense of humor. Keep word given to The Bloggess – she has minions.

  89. At first I thought you’d mistyped “Spartacus” like from Spartacus: Blood and Sand and I got a little excited. Some Icelandic guy from a kids’ show. Eh, not so much.

    I get the feeling Oprah is not big on children! She’d probably hire a team of really top-notch nannies, though, perhaps headed by Supernanny! Hopefully, not Dr. Phil!

    I think you should name Secretariat as uncle because he won the Triple Crown and what little girl doesn’t want a pony *and* crowns! She’d be the envy of the play group!

  90. I would have done the Sportacus call just so I could ask him what he puts in his coffee. Because I need some of it, whatever it is.

  91. So. Due to Jenny’s comment I’m now convinced there’s also a Sporacus who has something to do with spores. (According to Wikipedia: In biology, a spore is a reproductive structure that is adapted for dispersal and surviving for extended periods of time in unfavorable conditions.)

    So basically, I have this image of Jenny trying to interview floating gobs of green. Much grosser in my imagination than it sounds on the page, btw.

  92. If you hear anything from Oprah, could you send her my way? Crying on her couch is my lifelong dream and so far she’s completely blowing me off. For years now. Purposefully. Because she hates puppies, probably.

  93. I wish you’d interviewed Sporticus. Did you know he was previously a european champion in gymnastics? His buns and a glass of wine have gotten me through many a bad-kid day.

  94. Just wanted to weigh in on the whole Sportacus thing….

    You so should’ve gone for it! I mean, come on, the guys does some pretty impressive stunts. But you know what the best thing is? He actually *created* Lazytown. He’s the director, writer AND producer…

    …So next time, think ahead – the guy has enough clout, you could’ve ended up guest-starring! 🙂

  95. I’m not sure about Flo being the aunt. It could cause confusion in your daughter’s future relationships, as the phrase “Not tonight, honey … my Aunt Flo is in town” is not generally a literal statement.

  96. Ouch. I have a hyphen in my first name and I’m a real person! Or wait, am I? How do I really know if I’m real? What if what you think is real and what I think is real are two totally different things? Does your version of real involve cleaning up cat vomit almost every day? Does it contain a soundtrack which closely mimics the one in “Clueless”? It had better at least include the movie “Clueless” or I don’t want any part of it. Also, I blame your damn husband for this crisis of mind I find myself in. What a dick.

  97. Why is it every time I come here to comment I get distracted and end up clicking on 27 different comluv links instead? Tampon shoes? How am I supposed to focus with THAT going on?

  98. I can’t believe you turned down Sportacus!!!! Do you know how hot he is when he’s not wearing that creepy costume?!? Even though my blog sucks, send him my way: I’ll interview him. Oh yeah, I’ll interview the hell outta him! (I think I actually have a blog where I talk about how hot he is too!)

  99. You know, when I first read the title of this blog, I thought PR stood for Puerto Ricans…or does it??

  100. Leaving your kid to Oprah and Katherine Heigel is a really good idea. I don’t know why more people haven’t thought about that, before. Is that the kind of thing that you need to get her consent for? Because I can see her saying no to you if you’re alive but not to a small, delicate, orphaned child.

    I mean on one hand… Oprah, right? You get the wisdom of Maya Angelou and can you imagine the fucking party she would throw on the event of your first period? On the other hand, you’ll get all of the hottest boys in school to go out with you just so they can accidentally see your other Parental Guardian in a towel sometime.

    Jenny… you really love your kid. And i like to see that.

  101. Naming you child Sofie is a choice. Not always a good choice (ask M Streep), especially if it’s a boy, but a choice. Life’s full of them;

    Sometimes it’s pick your poison; paper or plastic?

    Sometimes it doesn’t matter; Summer’s Eve or Glenn Beck

    Sometimes it means everything; quit & leave or lock ‘n load …so chose wisely.

  102. My Twin (http://faithsista.blogspot.com/) had a friend who worked somewhere that children were involved. Apparently a mom came in upset because no one was saying her daughters name correctly. She couldn’t figure out why no one knew ‘La-a’ was so hard to pronounce? I guess people were calling her ‘La a’ and just ‘La’ when, in fact, the correct pronunciation was ‘LaDASHa’. People. Were. Supposed. To. SAY. The. Dash.

    Katherine Heigl annoys me. So does Flo. =/

  103. Better a pony for an uncle than a husband. Or is it?

    Clearly, I’ve neen watching too much “Real Sex” on HBO. Katherine Heigl has yet to appear on it. But they do seem to use lots of sofa cushions for many different things. Maybe that’s where she got the idea for the name. Yes, that must be it.

  104. Oh Jenny, once again you have broadened my horizons. I had nofa king idea who Sportacus was/is, so I googled him. Yeah, he’s right up there with learning about fisting and vagina dentata. I can’t get that innocence back Jenny, I just can’t.

  105. Please reconsider naming Flo as an aunt. I’m way more fun and not nearly as annoying. Every time I hear her say “discount” in that peppy voice it makes me want to strangle her. And why is Commnet Luv pissed off at me?

  106. Okay, that just tears it for me. Next time me and Jesus are out cruising for chicks in the Lamborghini, we are totally skipping over Katherine Heigl and any PR women named Adrienne. I would consider taking Sporticus along if we had a different car. No room in the Lambo, plus Jesus can totally handle the Italian machinery, but I’m not sure some stretchy pants wearing dude from Iceland is up to the task. They mostly need four-wheel-drive trucks to thrash around on the ice and volcanic ash up there.

  107. you are amazing. sofas, horses, hott men aside… you make me laugh so hard and give me amazing ideas. like orphaning myself and asking YOU to adopt ME. perfection.

  108. This is why PR people lie and say they are PR then they are not PR because they have so many tricks up there sleeves that the pimps are getting mad! Its mob related too, just give me a few minutes to piece together why and I’ll let you know.. that was just a joke about the mob.. *wink*… I dont want the mob after me, why would they be, i dont know anything *wink-Wink-wink*..

  109. There’s an inverse correlation between the amount of hairspray used by a PR person and their trustworthyness. Especially in the south.

  110. Wait. She emailed YOU TOO? That bitch. I thought I was one of TEN bloggers she contacted.

    Oh sure, I ignored her too, but jesus. I ALMOST responded.

  111. I don’t watch TV [except for Iron Chef] so I can’t comment about “Sportacus.” I did want to say this is what I’d ask Katherine if I could. Is Gerard Butler a really good kisser?!? I’d like the answer to be NO, of course, because it’s unlikely Gerard will ever kiss me, and if I hear he’s a lousy kisser maybe it will stop the weird dreams I have occasionally…

  112. Dee: if it helps: Gerry is on serious drugs for certains ‘issues’ that a LOT (read: 101% of Hollywood) of people are on to keep certain ‘sores’ at bay. If someone still wants to ‘hit that’ once they know about the condition they are subjecting themselves to? I say more power to them!

    ppppppppsss: I can’t believe the amount of people who post here trying to be funny. Or try to be clever. Or try to sound funny while trying to stay simple with their post.

    “I love you. That is all.”

    “I peed my pants. That is all.”

    “You are the coolest ever. That is all.”

    Add to that the people saying, “You experienced what I did too!? WTF? HOW is that POSSIBLE!? Let me TRY to say something CLEVER so I STAY cool even though I want to RIP your BRAIN out!”

    ????????????????????????????????????????

    That is all.

  113. You kill me…seriously 🙂

    I wish you could have asked Katherine Heigl if she would have actually slept with Seth Rogen in real life, and if she would have stayed with him while supporting his unemployed-expose-celeb-boob website. I know he got hurt when they made that comment on Entourage that she would never date a guy that looked like him in real life. It peaked my interest anyway.

    Lorele’s latest blog: I can’t talk small talk with people. This is probably the reason I don’t have many friends. on http://www.theloshack.com

  114. I cant support you on this one, I like Ms heigl, I dont forgive her for leaving greys anatomy thought, so maybe she had it coming. either that or she really doesn’t get along with Oprah & it was just too awkward for her

  115. Okay, first of all I misread “Sportacus” as “Spartacus” and was like…”What is she thinking? That guy is so hot and that show is awesome…even though it’s on Starz” Then I read it again and understood….truth be told, I don’t let my kids watch the show. I don’t like the lack of consistency in characters….some are human, some are puppets, some are human with puppet chins….

  116. Wow! I see that I am not the only blogging female with ADHD!
    I just went from “Facing 50 With Humor,” to “emptynest1.blogspot.com” to here.
    Glad I stopped in…your post is more than interesting! It is hilarious!
    kt

  117. I cannot believe they did not ask your questions!

    I saw that damn movie and don’t remember the kid’s name. I do remember that the trailer’s two laughs and one Josh Duhamel shirtless scene were the only two laughs and one Josh Duhamel shirtless scene in the movie, and we paid 12.75 each to see the damn thing. Did anyone ask her about that?

    I mean I like Ms Heigl, but after Killers and that thing, she needs to make a decent flick. Oh, and answer your questions.

  118. Pingback: Good Mom / Bad Mom
  119. I really only want to know why that nice blonde lady from Gray’s Anatomy keeps making versions of the same (really bad) movie. Can she only play uptight women who need to be luuuuuuuuvved by some shlubadub who basically teaches her to relax? Come to think of it, that’s sort of the plot of “Black Swan,” except that’s with feathers and pointe shoes. Why is Hollywood so obsessed with getting women to relax, one way or another? Don’t they realize that if we relaxed the whole goddamn world would fall apart? I’ll bet the real reason there are uprisings in Egypt & Tunisia is that the wives of the dicatators said “fuck this we’re outta here,” and are relaxing in St Barth’s or something. Maybe Kate Heigl would like to play the role of an Egyptian dictator’s wife who is romanced by a surfing instructor, in her next movie?

  120. It’s brilliant. Because in the event you die in some sort of freak accident and your daughter decides to pursue an acting career – she’ll be in perfect hands. Katherine Hegel can teach her about acting bitchy and unappreciative, which are essential qualities – while Oprah can teach her about ruling the world and having a best friend like Gayle King. SHE CAN’T GO WRONG HERE. Well played. Well played.

  121. My first cat was actually named Sophie, and it was in fact short for Sofa-cat, because she was rescued from an abandoned sofa as a kitten.

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