I THREATENED TO CUT HER: The exciting new trend no one is talking about.

I just got an email letting me know that some twitter analysis website had named me the number one trendsetter in the category of “I THREATENED TO CUT HER“.  Which is odd because I’m the only person listed in this entire category. I’m pretty sure that’s not how trends work.

It's not really a trend if you're the only one doing it. It's more of a "bizarre aberration", at best.

Updated: Oh, hang on.  They’ve also listed the top topics I’m most likely to discuss as “blogging ethics” and “logic“.  Clearly they’re just fucking with me.  Never mind.

92 thoughts on “I THREATENED TO CUT HER: The exciting new trend no one is talking about.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You’re the only one and only have a 19.8% influence? Clearly, they’ve never read your work, because it should be at least 22.6%. The velocity’s about right, though.

  2. I have aspirations to be #1 trendsetter in Bacon Flavored Cheese Smothered on a Waffle. Unfortunately the cheese-waffle society has all those locked up.

    SD

  3. Clearly they know you belong on a list all your own! Oh, but I’d like to be on that list…..that’s awesome! Not that I would actually cut anyone, but I’d defintiely threaten it. Probably.

  4. We’ve always known you’re in a class by yourself. You also only cut people when they are ethically challenged. That’s only logical.

  5. I just twitalyzed myself. (God, that sounds raunchy).

    I have a .1% influence and have been deemed an ‘Everyday User.’

    Great, now even the Internets knows I’m a mediocre twitterer.

  6. Personally, I’d give you much higher marks for “Influence,” “Impact,” “Engagement” AND “Velocity.” In fact, I’m pretty sure that the impact and velocity of your knife assault would be both influential AND engaging.

    Also, I have no idea what I just wrote.

  7. What’s the rate on “hobo fingers”? Are you not a trendsetter in that? Now I’m REALLY fascinated!

  8. No one traveling at a velocity of 4.7 can have an impact of 29 when only .4% engaged. Oh wait…did you blow a 19.8 on the breathalyzer? That explains it. You were 19.8 % under the influence. You’re lucky to be alive, really.

  9. My top blog referrer is spanx porn. I need to find this twitter twatter thing. And obviously you’re such a trendsetter you’re the only one in on it so far.

  10. Twitalyzer? Jesus Christ, I must have been living under a rock or something for these past few years, because I’ve never heard of that. My question is, how many people have you threatened to cut? And what percentage of those have Twitter? And what percentage of those people twittered (tweetered? twattered? tweeted?) about it?

    Fuck it. That’s too much math, and I haven’t had my coffee yet.

  11. That website is a big pile of lies! They said my MOST used hash-tags include: ipullyourjealouslystraw, metrosexual & superbowl. There are a lot more hash-tags I use than those!

    You should totally be listed under “anything stabby related”!!

  12. I would like to know how they arrived at that mark of 4.7% for velocity, because I have seen you move MUCH faster than that (especially after you’ve been goosed by a cheeky ghost in your haunted hotel room).

  13. Dare I say I’m awkwardly jealous? Also, you should probably know I’m currently waiting for the shrink. You kill me! Wendy

  14. That’s ok, I’m so low on the totem pole that Twitalyzer fails to recognize me at all. Also? YOU probably don’t even recognize me since I made over my blog, changed my blog name and email and watch – even this comment will require moderation.

    Online Identity Fail.

  15. I like that they include “velocity.” Or. Wait a minute. Doesn’t that rate require both magnitude and direction? Shenanigans! I think they’re totally insulting your velocity. Passive aggressive Bastards.

  16. I tried it and it told me that there was no data to process. It also said “technology isn’t perfect, but let’s face it…neither are you”. I’m gonna start my own trend called “I threatened to cut cocky robots”.

  17. I’m a social butterfly, which sounds very twee and self-centered. Also, I’m one of few without a network, according to the analyzer. So that makes me twee, self-centered, and a loser. Goooooo, ME!

    Oh, this was about you, wasn’t it. Never mind.

  18. “logic” and “blogging ethics”? Yep, they are just messing with you.

    “Velocity”? Isn’t that the commercial where the gnome shows up in different cities or something?

  19. Apparently I’m most likely to discuss “anthropology” and “human height”. I know I’m short, but it just feels like they’re taking the piss…should I be threatening to cut them for it?

  20. Obviously they’re completely ignoring your work with corpsey chocolate vampires and gay bird lovers. They clearly aren’t professionals.

  21. I would be more concerned about increasing your velocity in the category. Pretty sure you ain’t cuttin’ no bitches with a velocity of 4.7%. It’s almost pathetic, really.

  22. A) do they have a category for “feeling stabby”? and B), when you go to the link and scroll over, they’re only giving you 17.1% for generosity – clearly they missed the great Saint James Garfield Christmas Miracle of 2010!!

  23. Also, I just checked “Benchmarks” on Twitalyzer and Kim Kardashian is listed as a “Thought Leader.” Just when I think the Internet can’t be any more wrong, it ups and suprises me.

  24. You are obviously more influence-y then that. I’m always saying I need to cut people since I’ve been following you. Also, the hubs is not recognizing that as me being affectionate—which is very strange to me.

    I’m more or less kidding about that. Probably.

  25. I’m wondering if we’re getting the definition of “twitalyzer” wrong, and it’s actually “twit who analyzes” rather than “analysis of twitter”.

  26. Huh. What I really think is that PR lady has sold you out to the Feds but Twitter is secretly trying to warn you with this numerical code.
    Don’t accept any floral deliveries.

  27. Perhaps you are so VERY trendy that the rest of the world is simply poised waiting to follow you but didn’t know they should yet.

    Thank GOD for social media gurus like this to help us spot those trends that we don’t know about.

    It might have taken us ages to figure out.

  28. That’s funny because whenever I think of the phrase “I THREATENED TO CUT HER,” you’re the first person I think of.

  29. Alternative medicine and criticism of religion. Odd, and I thought I was a poker writer who writes about his kids.

    Anyone for verbally sparring on the benefits of accupuncture in a Mosque?

  30. You are totally trending. I have been threatening to cut people all week. It will catch on!

    I am seriously avoiding ever typing the word twatanalyzer in fear of offensive misspellings….ooppps, like that one.

  31. Many of us feel you have encouraged us to take Xanax and wear confidence wigs to be happier, more successful people, and thus you are a true trendsetter. Or a cult leader. Whatever.

  32. Are you sure you read it right? Was it possibly “NO blogging ethics”, and “NO logic”? Because logically, that would make more sense. Maybe the guilt over threatening to cut whoever she was has messed with your brain. . .

    However, either way, I think that’s a TOTALLY cool trend, and I’m jumping on the bandwagon.

  33. I like that 0.4% engagement figure – it’s like you’re threatening to cut her, but you’re not really that into it. Great vibe to trend. Nice work 😉

  34. Twattaliser just told me my most recent topics include aircraft carrier and action video games. So that’s 0.0% for accuracy. On the plus side, I now live in sunny Portugal. I’d better start learning Portugese.

  35. Uh… yeah. SO, they totally win because all us narcissistic bloggers had to go run our own names
    (SeriouslyRS, you’re welcome, *ahem*), so you just drove a bajillion of your readers there.

    Also? My Twitter legacy includes the following three words:
    funny god wedding

    Yup.

    Spot on.

    _

  36. I have this vivid image of you standing in a conference hall bathroom holding a broken bottle and threatening patrons as they enter. “Come near me bitch and I’ll cut you”. ( hugs) Tell me. What other blogger owns that brand?

  37. I don’t twitter, and I’m unclear how it relates to velocity, probably cuz I dropped out of physics, but I know all about trendsetting because, I’m all sorts of trendy and you, girlie, are setting trends. Did ya notice trend starts to sound weird if you say it too often? Trend.

  38. Whenever I give my 6 year old twin boys a certain look, they say, “What makes you think I won’t cut you?”

    Yes, we stole it from a movie, but it’s much funnier coming out of a kindergarteners mouth.

  39. I wish i was trend setter in something this amazing! I would love to pick at your brain someday Jenny, but not in a, Dahmer, kinda way. Your just awesome!

  40. Woah…skimming the comments was a big mistake. I read “Wigs,” “Clue,” and “drinking.” Sounds like a party to me!

    I use my twitter to ramble about Science news, so I’m sure my tweeting stats are totally lame. : I’m pretty tempted now to throw in “#ITHREATENEDTOCUTHER” now next to a science link just to keep you from being lonely, though. :3

  41. That totally seems like you, although I would have expected zombies vs. unicorns to appear somewhere. However, I don’t tweet and don’t follow your twitter feed, so what do I know? You may tweet about completely different things than you write about on this blog. (Ha, ha, ha, I’m guessing that’s not the case). Someone above suggested that instead of trendsetter, you should be designated as a cult leader. I’m down with that. Go Jenny, go Jenny!

  42. Oh, and? Twitalyzer shaved about 10 years off my age – I’ll take it!

  43. I don’t “twitalize”, I’m not even sure what that is. I’m just here to ask if I can borrow your knife. Because I just woke up from seriously the WORST dream and, in said dream, my gun didn’t work. So obviously the lesson is to go with a more reliable defense mechanism.

    K’thnx

  44. Interesting to be in a category all your own eh? Back in grade school I witnessed 2 girls have a cat fight with box cutters the size of postage stamps. It was hilarious. No matter how hard they tried now one was hurt.

  45. Back when I was into cutting a bitch, it was just you, the razorblade tucked inside your cheek, and the open mile of hallway between you and your next class. Now it’s all clear backpacks required for entry and metal detectors at the door. By the way, what’s Twitter?

    Love your stuff.

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