It’s like a visit from the ghost of Christmas past but with more cursing.

I was cleaning out my 8,000+ unread emails this morning and I stumbled upon an unread email from our late, great friend ~ Nancy W. Kappes, paralegal.  For those of you new to the blog you should know that Nancy was the greatest letter-writer in the history of ever, and everyone in my small world mourned for her last year when she died unexpectedly.  If she was here I suspect she’d point out that it was less unexpected that she died, and more unexpected that it didn’t involve heavy gunfire, a swat team and a briefcase of stolen heroin and Judy Garland Trail Mix.

If you aren’t a fan of Nancy then this will just confuse you and you should just come back later, but if you are, it’s a bit like a voice from the grave.  An awesome, confusing, vulgar, dearly-missed voice from the grave…

Yo, J-to-tha-N-to-the-Blogness,

Fuck me running (which is what I totally tried to do, but goddamn those punk-ass young cops are fast) so I had me a little Holiday at the Hamilton Handcuff County Hilton. BUT, on the plus side, you wouldn’t fucking believe how many people want to have sex with me.

So. Several things to catch up on. You need some human skin?  Fuckin-A, dude! My thank-you-god-former MIL had jowls the size of fucking Delaware and I always said she should be like The World’s First Skin Farm, where they harvested that shit, waited for the growing-back phase (couldn’t be that long), and BOOM! Harvest again!  Makin money just for havin a face! A face that is so goddamned scary, I used to put a photo of her on my patio door to scare burglars. It also worked on raccoons. Although we could still totally hear them in the woods behind our apartment. I mean, Christ! These motherfuckers were bigger than my car and you could hear them loud as shit in the night. One time, my Claire was sleeping with me [bed by the huge window overlooking said woods] and she was…ah, maybe 10 years old. We totally wake up to hear, [deep growl] “UH UH UH UH UH UH” interspersed with [high-pitched] “EE EE EE EE EE.”  After about 5 minutes of this bullshit, Claire screamed out the window, “Leave her alone already!”

In 7th grade history, I organized a cough-off where everyone would hack their fucking lungs out at exactly 1:15pm. Naturally, when it was over, the teacher just said, “Whitford—Principal’s office” which was a phrase I heard at least once a day. I mean, shit! What kid hasn’t spray-painted the school walls? On the inside.

Oh, and Jenns, if you need any dominatrix gear for your Speaking Engagement and Other Activities, lemme know. I got a truckload of that shit.  I also need to know if you have an allergy to latex before I send all that shit. Most of it is illegal in the US but fuck it.

Carry on, Motherfucker!

Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal

174 thoughts on “It’s like a visit from the ghost of Christmas past but with more cursing.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. That’s probably the most amazing thing I could have read right now. She probably did e-mail you from beyond. She knows we’ve been missing her.

  2. Oh holy shit. This is like the perfect belated Christmas present for all your readers. Especially those of us who like severed human skin. Uh not that that applies to me…

  3. Though I didn’t know her, I’m very sad that she died. The world needs more useful legal help transferred in just such a manner as this. I feel a gap in the universe.

  4. I wish someone would send me emails like that. Preferably someone alive, as I carry enough ghosts around on my back like screaming little monkeys but I wouldn’t turn down a letter from the undead either. As long as it wasn’t from my son. Because if my son wrote me a letter with that type of language, being that he wasn’t even five when he kicked it, I’d feel like a complete failure. I mean, how does one wash the mouth of their ghost child? Wave a bar of soap in the air and hope it lands in the right place?

    Anyways. I just wish I could get awesome emails like that. Mostly because I think it’s useful knowing all the places I could harvest human skin. You never know when that type of shit comes in handy.

  5. And all I get are email videos from some freak name Gippy Goo bop or something that claims we have a lot in common. *BIG FUCKING SIGH*

    I wish she was still here.

  6. Awww, shizz. Hilarious and sad at the same time. Who else looks on the upside of a lock-up that way? “You wouldn’t fucking believe how many people want to have sex with me.” I’m so glad she was part of your life. And by extension, our lives. Awww, shizz again. Getting sappy, which I do *not* believe she would approve of. Kisses anyway, Nancy. You are missed.

  7. Wow. That’s really actually quite impressive. I didn’t know her, but I can see why you liked her so much.

    I’d love to post this on my blog just to hear my mother’s head explode from across the county when she read it. That would be fun, and possibly a bit of a tribute to your paralegal friend. . .

  8. she sounds like she was tremendously awesome!
    An organized coughing fit?
    Bet that led to a whole lotta hernias……..

  9. Brilliant. Bloody fucking brilliant. Left us too soon.
    Great email, thanks for sharing your gift, makes me feel a little stabby.

    xo tabs

  10. There should be a holiday in her honor. Like Festivus, but involving a dixie cup of ashes, Judy Garland trail mix, and vodka. Damn. I gave away my raccoon hand puppet. I’ll have to use the turtle instead. What’s the date?

  11. so, the best part about this, aside from it being the best thing ever? is that i was listening to this super sweet, lyrical beautiful song (Galileo, if anyone was wondering) while i was reading it. the contrast between the two struck me as funny. then i realized it wasn’t so odd after all. i mean they are both two amazing pieces of art, right? so they totally fit together.
    also? carry on, motherfucker? i kinda want to say that at the end of EVERYTHING I EVER SAY AGAIN!

  12. I just cried when I read her letter! My how I’ve missed those letters! And now…I’ll “carry on motherfucker”.

  13. Damn that woman was awesome. I’m going to end all future communications with “Carry on, motherfucker!” in her memory. This should get me some weird looks at work or family Christmas

  14. I think we should have a Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal, paranormal holiday, at which we all get together at 1.15pm and cough. Who’s in?

  15. i’m with jen. i’m think we should all end each email with ‘carry on, motherfucker’ from now on.

    i wish i had a chance to meet her in real life, but i feel like i know a bit of her through her emails. truly special people are far and few between on this blasted rock.

  16. Damn. I miss that woman. She left us too early. Thank God her ghost still haunts your email–and from the sound of things, several S&M shops around the nation.

  17. Awesome! Still so sad that she is gone…I really miss your posts about your emails & encounters with our favorite paralegal…

  18. How did that woman know I needed cheering up? I mean, she’s dead, she’s probably got WAY more interesting things to do than hang around watching me mope.

    I shall now carry on, motherfucker.

  19. Sigh – I miss her. She was the best storyteller.

    Carry on, Motherfucker, indeed. This is how I would sign all my correspondence, if I weren’t repressed and lame.

  20. How fucking cool is that to find an email from The Nancy?! Her letters will go down in Bloggess history.

    Now I’m thinking of getting a “Carry on, Motherfucker!” tattoo.

  21. God that woman was fucking hilarious…sure do miss her letters. This was a nice treat on a crappy day! I will also be telling everyone to carry on Motherfucker in her honor today!

  22. I’m not schooled in the ways of this saviour Nancy… but what a fascinating writer, in all seriousness.

    It was like a reality show, mixed with a soap opera, with stand up comedy, and a side of cesaer salad!

    I read the link back to her unexpected death, and I am really sorry to hear that. It’s pretty cool that you found that email. Things like that are always like a glimpse into the unknown – like you were meant to get it now (thank to all those asshole PR people emailing you and flooding your box. I mean… uh… your inbox).

    Sorry you lost such an amusing/uplifting friend. People like that are hard to come by.

    SO odd that she had written her own obit.

    _

  23. GOD.DAMNIT. Why oh Why did she have to die on us??? My lawyer could totally use her as a Paralegal. I think she loves her paralegal but honestly, If I got emails from them like this, I would totally send a Christmas card BACK. Which means she would totally like me more than she already does (or at least she tells me she does, but she’s a lawyer you know… she probably bullshits me left and right)

  24. Carry on, Motherfucker! – Jesus Christ on a bike that’s awesome and how I’m signing all my work emails from now on. There will never be another Nancy.

  25. Ummm, ‘Makin’ Money Just For Havin’ A Face?” might need to somehow become a something for your shop. I’m picturing James Garfield being somehow involved. His looks, Nancy’s wit = a fusion of two Bloggess favs!

  26. Awwwww….. Never thought we would get to see another one of these emails ever again…. Rest in peace, Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal….. You were amazing

  27. I’m sad. I didn’t even know her at all, but I’ve read every single one of the emails you’ve posted on here. But I miss her anyway, and I’m so sad that she’s missing from this world. That her (what appears to be pretty awesome) kids no longer have their amazingly rude and straight-forward mom seems so unfair.
    I hope she rests in peace.
    You know. The Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal kinda peace. Which I think is not as much peace as it is Judy Garland trail mix and awesomeness

  28. I’m sorry for your loss. That being said, “Carry on, Motherfucker” is the best sign off I have ever read. I like the earlier mentioned idea about making a book out of her emails.

  29. I am really very sorry she left us so soon…it is too bad I do not have Judy Garland Trail Mix to commemorate her passing. All I have is gummy Lifesavers….at least those are multicolored.

  30. I love Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal. I was thinking of her just yesterday, no lie, so this email is like a nice greeting card from the universe. Yup, best sign off ever. Now back to work to carry on, motherfucker.

  31. When our little one couldn’t sleep, my mother-in-law suggested playing some of those Nature recordings (Ocean Waves, Rainfall, Birdsong, etc.). It didn’t work, and grumpy with sleep deprivation, I told my wife, “Your mother’s an IDIOT!” But I see now that my mistake might have been in purchasing the Nature Conservancy’s “Sounds of Two Raccoons Fucking” CD.

    Nancy is much missed.

  32. God, that was the most fucking perfect serendipitous e-mail find of all time! Carry on, motherfucker is a beautiful counterpoint to your being Furiously Happy after Nancy’s inexcusable breach of courtesy when she had the balls to up and die on us. Damn, I miss those e-mails. Carry on, motherfucker.

    I’ll buy one of the t-shirts if you will sell them. She would think it was brilliant if you made some money from one of her tossed off rantings. You know she would. If you feel weird about it, you could find a suitably perverse charity to donate the proceeds to in Nancy’s memory. I’m thinking Pregnant Nuns with Tourettes.

  33. FUCKING BRILL. Can’t even stop laughing. I hope she is just as irreverent in the afterlife, for clearly she had some mad skillz in this one. Thank you for sharing it- I am certain it made you miss her all the more.

    A line I will use forever after: fuck me running!!!

  34. I always loved your Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal posts. What a funny, intelligent, crude, crass bitch she was; I miss her dearly, even though I’ve only known her through her letters to another person I don’t actually know (maybe I should get off the internet and meet real people. . . fuck that, real people suck donkey balls.) Thanks for posting this, and from previous posts, I think you should have tons of other emails that you didn’t put up here, so you should search through your box, find every email she ever sent, and put them all in a sub-menu on your blog.
    Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal – I hope you’re somewhere sucking down Vodka shots with a candy bowl full of happy pills. Carry on, motherfucker.

  35. When I read Nancy’s letters, I always think of her barking the words into a CB radio. The “over and out” static adds a little zing.

  36. Is it weird to miss someone you’ve never met? My husband and I still shout out “Spatula!” at inappropriate moments. Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal, rocked.

  37. hey folks!
    First off I love Jenny and I love the wildness of Nancy. I stumbled across Jenny’s blog about 3 months ago and I’m obsessed. i’ve gone back years to read old blog entries and even entered a steep bidding war to try to buy two squirrels having sex that she posted on her blog. that being said, i’m well aware of the miracles this community and James Garfield have done and was hoping for some of your help to create another one.

    I’m a student at Penn State University and am super involved in this amazing organization called ATLAS which benefits a 46 hour dance marathon for kids with cancer called THON. Its truly the most amazing and inspiring thing I’ve ever been involved with. Last year we rose almost 8 million for kids with cancer doing everything from arm wrestling, poker and mario party tournaments, bake sales, flower sales, date auctions and raffles. we also go on 4 different canning weekends, where we go to the streets and store fronts to raise money. We also reach out to everyone, and with such an active community here I thought its worth a shot to reach out to all of you and of course James Garfield. Here a video of THON for anyone who is interested http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZS2znImpA78&feature=related

    and if you guys decide to donate heres all my information and website
    https://secure.imodules.com/s/1218/thon/thon.aspx?sid=1218&gid=1&pgid=671&cid=2344
    if you decide to donate, at the bottom of this form in the designation selection, be sure to put ATLAS down as the organization! also my access ID is kmo5151, and I graduate in 2013. If you want to know more, let me know, I love talking about it! Thanks everybody, I love you all and would appreciate it so much!

    also here’s a picture of me canning for THON in a banana suit 🙂
    http://i1200.photobucket.com/albums/bb325/kmo5151/Banana.jpg

  38. Dude. I had no Idea that you were a Mistress. I learn something new about you every day. If you have a profile on FetLife then let me know so that I can friend you. 😉

  39. That just freaking made my day! RIP Nancy. Oh hell-it’s Nancy-there’s probably no resting or peace for her-even in the afterlife! She’s probably driving St. Peter batshit crazy!

  40. I lost a beloved friend 8 and a half years ago and would sell my soul (you know, if I had one) to have so much as a single e-mail saved in an account somewhere.

    This is fucking awesome!!

  41. I’d say something snarky, but you know what? I love hearing of stories where people get a little nod from their loved ones in the afterlife. That letter is so full of life, it’s practically corporeal.

  42. Sweet Jesus if ever there was a day we all needed a shout-out from Nancy W. Kappes, paralegal it’s today. “Carry on motherfucker” indeed Nancy, indeed.

  43. When I miss her…I get Furiously happy!!! And I would SO love a ‘Carry on Motherfucker’ bumper-sticker!

  44. I hate we’ll never hear the whole tale of Nancy’s stay at the Hamilton Handcuff County Hilton! I’m totally organizing a coughing fit at work tomorrow.

  45. I pick me up i need today, Nancy you rock it from where ever you are now, and jenny you rock it for always posting her awesomeness!
    Today was a cut everyone kind of day now its just a cut every 6th person kind of day!

  46. Maybe if I had put Dickens it not only would have made more sense, but I could still hold my head high as a literary authority–okay, not authority, but pretentious know-it-all who usually doesn’t even know what she’s talking about, so who can call me a know-it-all anyway?

    It’s pretty appropriate my first comment on a blog I’ve been reading for years is a monumental fuck-up. Am I allowed to curse in these things? Fuck.

  47. You need to print up a Carry On, Motherfucker shirt for the store.
    And also one with a pic of her that says the bit about making money for having a face.
    I would totally pay for that.

  48. Forget the perps at the Hamilton Handcuff County Hilton, I would have paid to have (non-penetrative) sex with her.

    Seriously, what a ridiculously brilliant woman.

  49. Jenny, I love your blog and by extension Nancy W. Kappes, paralegal. If you did the Carry On, Motherfucker shirts on Zazzle, I’d totally buy one.
    What would be great is if they were paralegal-type shirts, like button down, with the writing on the back so lawyers could totally wear them to their law firm under a jacket. Then take the jacket off “accidentally” because it was too hot in the office.

  50. Oh, great! Now I have to think every time I write an email or a comment, “what if these are my last words before I die?” I can only hope that my last email my friends read can hold a candle to racoon sex and double chin harvesting.

    I have a confession.

    My son was suicidal when he as 15, 16 or so…and likely for a while after that. I got in the habit of always ending every phone conversation with him with “love you!” just in case it was the last conversation we ever had. Still do it, 8 years later, but now it’s in case I die. It’s all about peace of mind.

    My dad died of a heart attack while teaching (what he loved to do) to a classroom full of police officers. I assume they all had 911 at their fingertips and that it would ring the person next to them or something. Clearly they all knew CPR. So when my dad died, I know there is absolutely nothing anyone could have done to save him. Someone later gave my mom a copy of a departmental newsletter where one of the women wrote about the incident, and how she held his hand until they took him away and that even though he never regained consciousness, she felt that it would confort the family to know, that it may have comforted him to have her there, and that it gave her comfort to know that she could give that.

    My dad’s dad purchased a 1978 Fort Grenada, applied a roadrunner sticker to the back window, and then died a week after the purchase. My dad took great pleasure in knowing that his dad beat the insurance guys at their game and the car was paid in full and then passed to his son.

    We all want something satisfying about our deaths and the deaths of our loved ones so we can say–see here? THIS is how you should exit the world. Sticking it the Insurance Man. Dying doing what you love and leaving your family without the would ofs, could ofs, and should ofs. Gifting your friends with a bad-ass email that they can share, and laugh at, and cry with, and recall how much you really appreciate them, and how they live forever in our minds if only we allow them to.

  51. That is some Hunter S. Thompson Mother Fuckingesque shit! Just say’n. Love, Mary

  52. God this was so funny. There needs to be more people on this planet who are that exceptionally funny. She is missed.

    P.S. I love how everyone in the comments is using the words “motherfucker” now.

  53. Aw, it’s like an early Valentine for you!

    Now go clear out your voicemail, because we know someone left you some urgent message 2 years ago.

  54. Too many motherfuckers saying motherfucker will motherfucking water that motherfucker down. Unless we WANT to become a nation of Samuel L. Jackson clones. And why would that be? Flying is arduous enough these days without having snakes on the motherfucking plane.

    I of course will not be using such gutteral language; I must conduct myself with more dignity since I became a head of state yesterday.

  55. Indeed motherfucker, we will carry on. And be furiously happy.

    Damn it’s good to hear Nancy’s voice again, even though she is dead.

    I’m totally down with buying a t-shirt. Especially if you donate the profits to Nancy’s daughters.

  56. A skin farm, huh? I wonder how one would market that to the masses?

    I think the slogan of such store would be, “Forget trying to be happy in your own skin, just wear someone else’s”

  57. No doubt in my mind that Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal, was getting in touch with you. You probably already know why it came at that time. I get messages from my dad still who passed away ten years ago-used to be often, now not so much but ALWAYS when I need him.

    @Jorgen, You are my new inspiration/hero/heroine. I totally believe that and often write about it too. Thanks.

    “Carry on Motherfucker” should be the the title of Jenny’s book or at least a sign -off from all of us when we end our posts.

  58. I missed the whole post on Nancy’s death. How sad I am to discover it today! 🙁

    However, it’s totally like her to send you posthumous humor. She RAWKS.

  59. Reading that reminded me of how blessed I am to have someone just as funny/insane in my very own life. I need to email her now,

    You are truly missed Nancy, I shall carry on indeed.

  60. Amazing… that makes me want to take up letter writing. I am in awe of this womans way with words. You must miss her a lot, she sounds AMAZING.

  61. That letter was awesome sauce, like a Letter Benedict… mmmm Holandaise… wait, what ? Oh, it is such a shame to lose such an awesomely funny person, but she is making us laugh after death, which is pretty fucking cool.

  62. I was already having an amazing day (thanks to my new OhMiBod Better Than Chocolate and the Gracious Few) but this just sent me into orbit. This is pure, unadulterated, fucking joy.

  63. Rock on, Nancy, rock on.

    This was so completely awesome to read, Jenny. Thanks so much for sharing it, and how awesome of you to find it after the fact. That you from the future probably planned it this way!!

  64. I am sorry that you lost one of your best friends and loyalest cheerleaders. I am sure you miss her with a heartache and this is really nice that you found this unread email, like a wonderful surprise from Nancy, something she would totally do. “Carry on, Motherfucker!” should be a rallying cry for you and any one of us who feels the shadow of the day is just getting too heavy to drag around.

    Carry on Motherfucker! I am now saying this to myself.

    xxoo

  65. I wish I’d been reading long enough to know who Nancy was when she was alive. I agree with an above commenter: You should create “Carry on, Motherfucker” t-shirts in her honor.

  66. I’m pretty sure she planned this out. Only someone that awesome could send awesomeness from the grave. Yippe Ki Yay, Carry on Motherfuckers!

  67. Nancy, how did I never know you? Also, commenter way up above (on my blackberry, not worth scrolling), I would *totally* buy that book.

  68. May you, Nancy W. Kappes, rest with endless supplies of Judy Garland trail mix.

    My comment is completely irrelevant to this post, aside from the fact that Nancy will probably roll over in her grave when she sees this. CHECK YOUR CLOSET JEN BECAUSE SOMEONE STOLE YOUR FUCKING PANDA SUIT! And then like a typical douche posted the evidence on YouTube.

    http://m.youtube.com/index?desktop_uri=%2F&gl=US#/watch?xl=xl_blazer&v=APAz__1Mu_4

    I suggest you invest in some automatic weapons for your home. For safety’s sake.

  69. Just found your blog. Can’t believe I’ve been missing this. I’m not sure why I never get e-mails like that one. I have to say, I’m a bit glad I don’t. Will be following from now on.

  70. I can’t articlulate how much I adore the phrase “carry on motherfucker”, particularly as a letter sign-off. Now, if only i cna refrain from using it with my 5yo and at my new job…

  71. Wow, what a great gal.

    I hope there are other emails from beyond the grave buried in your 8000+ unreads. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you should read all your emails. Clearly there are benefits to saving them for later.

    Also? I’m not sure the Ghost of Christmas Past *doesn’t* curse…

  72. Best ghost e-mail ever. I would buy a book of her e-mails….mainly so I could read from it at parties…actually, mainly so I could read from it at inappropriate times.

  73. Tonight my husband decided that we should eat out. Thank the good lord, was my response but that’s beside the point. After the waiter took my order, I said, under my breath, but directly to him, “Carry on, Motherfucker.” He did a waiterly double take and said, “What did you just say?” Looking super innocent, I replied, ” I just said, thanks very much.”

    When the bus boy came by to fill me glass, instead of thanking him, I said it full-out. “Carry on, Motherfucker.” Well, he and all his tats loved it.

    My husband, unfortunately, said no more eating out nutil I can behave. Carry on, Motherfucker, I said to him. It’s just so versatile/

  74. ******************************************************************************************
    same person, just added a last initial. Jenny, IMPORTANT, I AM SO OCD ABOUT NANCY W. KRAPPESS, PARALEGAL AND ‘CARRY ON MOTHERFUCKERS” AND WROTE A BLOG ABOUT IT AND YOU. GIVING, OF COURSE CREDIT TO NANCY HERSELF AND TO YOU. IS IT OK TO WORK ON IT AND ULTIMATELY POST?
    PLEASE ANSWER.
    Thanks, Laurie
    ******************************************************************************************

    (of course! ~ Jenny)

  75. P.S. I woke up to go and pee and when my pee was pee interruptus I quoted Nancy in my head, I swear and said out loud “carry on motherfuckers” oh and that might be in the blog too. I really need to sleep!

  76. I keep a pill fob on a pant loop at all times.
    Inside are strips of paper on which I’ve written the most important things I need to remember about life.
    Today I wrote down the words “Carry on, Motherfucker!”
    I’ll be keeping them with me from now on.

  77. I’m not on Twitter or Facebook but if I was my status would totally be “Carry on, motherfucker!”

  78. I can’t help but think what a very different world it would be if we could all carry on in the spirit of Nancy W. Kappes, paralegal. At the very least, the PTA meetings would be a whole lot more tolerable.
    -SK

  79. Is it possible this poor woman just had tourettes? What if she was trying to say “May God bless you on this beautiful which the Lord hath made.” and it just came out “Carry on motherfuckers!”

    On the other hand, this life IS overrun by motherfuckers. And some of the mightiest who thought themselves immune , like Mubarak, get rude awakenings. Who’s next? CUPID

    That little sniper’s days are numbered. We’ll see how much HE likes getting shot!

  80. We are here at the Wolong Panda Reserve in Wenchuan County, Sichuan Province, People’s Republic of China, where we’ve secretly replaced the fine bamboo they usually serve the pandas with antelope dick. Let’s see if anyone can tell the difference!

  81. I just had to say that I was just very proud to give you the google search results for your google analytics for “bloggess shotgun of alcohol” so that I could show my husband the shotgun of tequila… You’re welcome. BTW I <3 you…….

  82. And? Those of us for whom other people in our lives think swearing is completely inappropriate can sign off with “carry on mf” and everybody will go, hmmm, who/what is mf? and it’ll be like Jimmy Durante finishing his act always with “good night Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are” and everyone always wondered who that was and we can be famous for our aura of mystery. Right? 😉 And no, I’m not old (too much), why do you ask??

  83. I thinka book of Nancy’s emails would be fantastic! I miss Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal. Thanks for the post.

  84. I can’t believe it. First, that Nancy is gone and second, that I have been absent for so long I’m ust now finding out. God bless you, Nancy.

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