It’s Sunday, which means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up and since I’m two weeks behind it’s going to be longer than usual, which is helpful since it gives you more stuff to look at when you’re at work on Monday, and it’s a proven fact that people are more efficient after having short mental breaks so basically the fact that you’re here means you deserve a raise and also that your company should probably be paying me to distract you. You’re welcome, America.
What you missed on Ill-advised:
What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):
What you missed in my shop (tentatively named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- People are way less bitchy to you when your wearing this shirt for some reason.
- It’s like a disclaimer for life.
- Carry on, motherfucker.
What you missed on the internets:
- Today’s the last day to vote in the 2011 Bloggies. I give you full permission to not vote for me in the categories I’m nominated in but there are some really amazing new writers to discover. For instance, I’d never heard of this blog and I’m not a foodie but her photography sucked me in.
- After the scandal of being disqualified in 2010 because I hadn’t been a czar for a full year, justice was finally served when the Shorty Awards were forced to announce me as a finalist in the field of politics. Now it’s all in the hands of MC Hammer. Not making this up, y’all.
This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Sandrandan Jewelry, which I fucking love (and wear) in real life. Especially her steampunk stuff, which looks like the kind of jewelry Dumbledore would give you to turn assholes into cheese, or to control sea monsters. I highly recommend. (PS. Type BLOGGESS into the coupon box when you check out and get 15% off through 2/28.)
Jenny, have I ever told you I loved you?
No?
Okay.
You got my vote for a Bloggie!
That is, since I didn’t make the cut. If I had, then you’d have been piss out of luck – at least for my vote. Thankfully you’ve got a few other followers that would have had your back.
Thanks for the laugh… just when I needed it. Love you!
And ditto on the letter to those who think there’s something wrong with being single.
It’s much quiter in my head.
The bully piece sucked. You are a terrible writer. You should just stop writing all that sucking stuff and lock yourself in a closet.
Rewrite, please!
p.s. Hailey is precious.
I mean that in a sincere, non-creepy way. For reals.
And I laughed my ass off at the senior porn names. 2 Golden Girls 1 cup. *hilarious revoltion*
I LOVE this post “An Open Letter to the Women Who Are Telling Me There Is Something Wrong With Me Because I’m Not Married”. So true! I’m married now, but I wish people wouldn’t have kept looking at me as if I was a leper when I was (gasp) 30 and NOT married.
I think you left off penile implants in your sex column. You’d be surprised how many 78 year old men have one- and I know this NOT because I’ve been having sex with 78 year old men, but because I’ve seen a lot of 78 year old penises at work. Which happens to be at a hospital, not a brothel.
Anyway, I think there could be a whole series. Penile Implants One: Honey, my penis works again…
Will have to get second job to buy all the stuff in the store, although I suspect that there are ways to make the “Feeling Stabby” shirt pay for itself.
I need two hundred of that shirt please. And a special dispensation from my company to wear it to work while waiting on tables. I have a feeling my tip percentage would go through the fucking roof. It’s bad enough to be the asshole who drank seven hundred diet cokes and has no idea what rare actually is, but who wants to be the CHEAP asshole…
also, must think of more ways to use douche-canoe in a sentence. That’s fucking awesome.
Saving up for that jewelry starting now. MUST HAVE.
I can never read this blog without crying laughing. Never. And then I shouted the Ron Burgundy “I wanna be on you!” while reading. I’m not gay. You’re just too awesome Ms. Jenny.
“Eight pounds of uncut cocaine”. Oh my gawd, I’m dyin’!
But where is the love song for zombie ferrets that aren’t married? Nobody puts Single Zombie Ferret in a corner!
You are always so boobalicious in your sex column pics. I’m totally jealous of your rack.
You’ve got my vote in the Bloggies! The other blogs I really love in there are Resistant But Persistent (such a beautiful writer) and White On Rice Couple (I wish I could take photos like theirs). Good luck!
You are AWESOME!! Have a fabulous glorious day Jenny!! Hugs!
whatthehell tokenblogger? Jenny writes GREAT!!! Just leave the reading to others who appreciate awesomeness. thatisall.
So you’re like me, only better? 😉
Okay, I’m off to link hop.
I love that you sum everything up for me once a week. Love it. But is that Ben Folds video intended to make me feel like a boring, lazy mess? If so, mission accomplished. Good tune though.
PS – I can *totally* send you some polar bears to eat that kid’s face.
I’m pretty sure I need to be invited to your next sex toy party.
Also, two thumbs up for the dildo-as-juicer usage. <3
Sitting here still LMAO at the senior porn names till it hit me duh that I’m not far from that time here myself!
I totally love that you do the weekly wrap up, a great way to catch up and have a hearty dose of laughter at the same time!
Love the bit about the ferret, because FYI, ferrets freak me out. They’re like sock-shaped rats. And that’s just unnatural, y’all. A fried on mine just bought one, and she’s all “Look, he’s so smart. He chews through straws and stuff,” and I’m all, “that’s just practice for when that motherfucker decides to start chomping on your collarbone.” NOT NATURAL.
I would buy from your shop just to have uncut cocaine listed on my credit card bill. Because it’s hard to keep up your tough bitch street cred when you’re 5’2 and also a shut-in. And cracking my knuckles only annoys my roommate. And she also says it’s not bad-ass. But what does she know? (Nothing)
Those pictures are so precious.
I’ve never seen you review rubber vaginas. In case you ever need to, it’s very simple. They are all terrible. I’ve tried enough different ones to know. No matter how big they are, they are all too rubbery. Tight . . . in a bad way. No woman feels like that. And I’ve tried on at least the same number of women.
Just a little help from Fred.
I’m so pleased that being distracted makes me more efficient. Are you available to come and run my law school? Oh please say yes.
Also, thank you so much for the Between Two Fern Leaves clip. I had never seen it before. I totally loved the first one, and BONUS – the second one features Michael Cera. Two for one distraction. A win win for you. You know what this means right? You just only went and DOUBLED your productivity. I think you deserve a break now. You are an example to us all 🙂
Katy xxx
The fact that you take the time to complete this weekly wrap up every few weeks shows exactly the kind of selflessness that will one day see you rewarded with a national holiday of your very own. Screw the presidents. If it means another day off from government work, I’m voting “yea” for Bloggess Day.
I love your weekly wrap ups! Hailey is such a cutie! 🙂
so… ferrets are actually little messengers of evil and torture and rank from satan and are never to be trusted. Ever.
I have a friend who recently aquired chinchillas. THey are super cute and fuzzy… but oh my god, i swear my friend’s room mate is going to wake up one morning and find my dear friend lying in a pool of blood with his throat ripped open by their surprisingly vicious little teeth and when the room mate goes to get a closer look, he will realize that the evil little balls of furry are in fact sitting in my friends abdomen feasting on the soft organs that are “protected” by the ribcage. THey will also being using his intestines as little tunnels to run and play through. I seriously believe this, and implore my friend to make “double,triple sure” that their cages is locked and all the bars are still strong and not showing any signs of tampering/ chew marks. Just in case…
LOVE the pictures and thanks for reminding me to vote!!!!
So, earlier I said I could totally send you some polar bears to eat that stupid bully’s face. But I shouldn’t have spoken so soon. Some of my friends have since reminded me that we don’t actually have that many polar bears to spare (global warming and all that). So? I can offer to rent them to you instead. Or make a timeshare exchange for your rented goats. I think one polar bear for two goats is fair. What do you think?
As a Canadian I should be supporting the export that Annadanna is offering via the polar bear rental, but honestly I think it could be just as effective if you scored yourself a black bear and just spray-painted him white (or pink to match Hailey’s outfit).
The “I Surrender” piece was beautiful and tragically honest. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Could you also share the tits-n-ass cookies?
You rock, and totally got my vote in the bloggies!
The Fail Butt cookie was simultaneously my favorite cookie as well as the one that I would be less excited about eating.
“looks like the kind of jewelry Dumbledore would give you to turn assholes into cheese”
Rowling just said he was gay. She didn’t say he had a food fetish.
I absolutely loved the eldery porn title post. I had to email it to my mom b/c she’s cool like that. I mean she hasn’t been in porn or anything, I don’t think, but I know she will love that post.
Talk about being sucked in! Glad you found me – otherwise I might have died an ignorant death not having visited your blog! I am totally sucked in! Thanks for the mention!
Every girl should have lots of Princess pictures…even as we age, we need to feel that “Princessy” feeling now and again. It’s good for the soul.
I always love your weekly wrap ups-they make me laugh, cry, think, and pee my pants a little. Also, that Fail Butt cookie makes me feel both hungry and insecure…way to go Jenny, you think of everything. ;-p
I really like the shirt. Sadly we with big boobage can’t wear it.
This video of me as a child (I wish) pretty much dominated my weekend: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3FeXYW_Je8
Not to mention my trying to recreate an ‘answer’ tot his video and failed miserably because I cannot sew.
Hailey is totes adorable, by the way.
Zombie Love Song, now an ear worm. thanks.
Regarding the bullying, I got called a “miss-oginist” once. Said I wasn’t “the least bit funny.” Bitch couldn’t take a joke.
Love the combination column/Grandparents here’s some pictures of Hailey! One of my siblings was just complaining to me that she seems disconnected from life recently. I told her…”well if you’d read my blog that wouldn’t happen now would it!” I’m totally going to be blogging about her now!
Your solution to comment-bullying on your blog was fucking inspired!
I’d totally use it but I’ve never had a ‘you suck’ comment left on my blog.
Either I’m as hilarious as I think I am, or my mom is erasing them before I get to them.
Yay mom!
My boss is surely thankful for my sharp mind, due to taking frequent breaks to read your blog.
I gave you a shout out in my blog today. I know, it really matters, right? In case my four fans hadn’t already heard of you. 🙂
Just curious if you even get nervous about spell-checking “public” for “pubic” when you write your sex column? It’s not like anyone would be offended, unless they’re a total douche canoe…..
Holy gah, but I was reading those shorty finalists and there’s a whoooooole lot of Belieber nonsense going on. Also? I have no idea who any of the women in the actress category are. Women? Girls? Probably girls.
And lastly, don’t forget that it is *also* up to Whitney Port who I do know about because my husband forced me to watch “The Hills” and then its follow-up “One of the Affectless Idiots Gets a Big Time Job in NYC with Another Slightly Prettier and Skinnier Idiot and the Whole World Watches”. I think, and I’m just guessing here, that my husband hates me.
Going back to that page to make sure I got Whitney’s name right, I also realized Alyssa Milano is on there. And Kurt Andersen. Gosh, Jenny. This thing is completely up in the air. Good luck, brave soldier.
First … STORY IDEA 4 YOU. I was watching a show this past weekend called Meteorite Man. These dudes were hunting meteor rocks ….. ALL of them in Texas. Yes… I said TEXAS. You should be worried about this shit.. seems Texas is where they like to fall. .. ps: they are worth $ if you find them.
LOVE your piece about bullies.. they really are just assholes!! I have to be sure Im not in public when I read your blog because I get weird looks when I snort laugh.
BEWARE THE METEORS …… juss saying.
Oh, man. Things aren’t looking good for ya honey. I mean, MC Hammer is in charge of your fate? Wow. I mean, wow. Good luck.
p.s. I really wish I had big enough cajones to buy your “Carry on Motherfucker” t-shirt. That’s got to be my favorite saying ever. Which doesn’t say much for me, does it.
🙂
Mindy
http://www.thesuburbanlife.com
So my blog post was syndicated on BlogHer.com. I get in all three “Top” Lists (Sparkles, Comments, Views). I come fifth in views, with some 3500. The day I’m forced off the lists because my week is up, I notice a mysterious incline in my views… wth? Eventually, my views more than double, and now I just have to find out how. I pose the question on The Chatter. Denise answers – it must be The Bloggess. Huh? Google = The Bloggess. Ah… there I am “I Surrender” in your “The (bleep) I didn’t come up with but wish I did because it’s kind of awesome” posted on Sunday.
Yay! Thanks so much for finding me and for the link 🙂
Hey, Everyone – if you want your stuff to get noticed, advertise on The Bloggess. Her links come highly recommended!
I am, literally, going to purchase “Carry On, Motherfucker” tee shirts for my whole family. Best gift ever.
…Why can’t we have ponies? The link won’t work!
Oh, also you made me want to have a sex party. Which, in a college dorm, quite frankly wouldn’t be hard. But it wouldn’t be as classy as yours. And it also might end up turning into the *other* kind of sex party because college kids can’t control their hormonal impulses. Especially my roommate. I don’t know if she understands that I live in the room too, and I’m not just an occasional visitor who refuses to wash her sheets.
Tila and Jennifer…soo classic! I adore them both…thanks for hooking me up with Between Two Ferns!
Jeez, I love being distracted by you! Thank you for making me so efficient!
Hey look, it’s a robot love song to compliment your zombie love song! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_51Hs56wW4
I went to your friend Sandrandan’s Etsy shop, and she had a CICADA RING! WITH OAK LEAVES!
I love both cicadas and oak trees, so of course I totally bought the ring. I can’t wait to wear it.