Prepare to be distracted. And *totally* efficient.

It’s Sunday, which means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up and since I’m two weeks behind it’s going to be longer than usual, which is helpful since it gives you more stuff to look at when you’re at work on Monday, and it’s a proven fact that people are more efficient after having short mental breaks so basically the fact that you’re here means you deserve a raise and also that your company should probably be paying me to distract you.  You’re welcome, America.

What you missed on Ill-advised:

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed in my shop (tentatively named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Sandrandan Jewelry, which I fucking love (and wear) in real life.  Especially her steampunk stuff, which looks like the kind of jewelry Dumbledore would give you to turn assholes into cheese, or to control sea monsters.  I highly recommend.  (PS. Type BLOGGESS into the coupon box when you check out and get 15% off through 2/28.)

59 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Jenny, have I ever told you I loved you?

    No?

    Okay.

    Like

    StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? recently posted Mass Exodus &amp Questionable Beans.

  2. You got my vote for a Bloggie!

    That is, since I didn’t make the cut. If I had, then you’d have been piss out of luck – at least for my vote. Thankfully you’ve got a few other followers that would have had your back.

    Like

    Simple Dude recently posted Half Assed Weekend - Saturday.

  3. Thanks for the laugh… just when I needed it. Love you!

    Like

  4. And ditto on the letter to those who think there’s something wrong with being single.
    It’s much quiter in my head.

    Like

    Kernut the Blond recently posted My Zombie Ate Your Honor Student – UPDATED.

  5. The bully piece sucked. You are a terrible writer. You should just stop writing all that sucking stuff and lock yourself in a closet.

    Rewrite, please!

    Like

    tokenblogger recently posted I got my hair cut today….

  6. p.s. Hailey is precious.

    I mean that in a sincere, non-creepy way. For reals.

    And I laughed my ass off at the senior porn names. 2 Golden Girls 1 cup. *hilarious revoltion*

    Like

    StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? recently posted Mass Exodus &amp Questionable Beans.

  7. I LOVE this post “An Open Letter to the Women Who Are Telling Me There Is Something Wrong With Me Because I’m Not Married”. So true! I’m married now, but I wish people wouldn’t have kept looking at me as if I was a leper when I was (gasp) 30 and NOT married.

    Like

    Marisa recently posted Toddlers really are like little cavemen-cavewomen Do I still have to be politically correct when referring to toddlers.

  8. I think you left off penile implants in your sex column. You’d be surprised how many 78 year old men have one- and I know this NOT because I’ve been having sex with 78 year old men, but because I’ve seen a lot of 78 year old penises at work. Which happens to be at a hospital, not a brothel.

    Anyway, I think there could be a whole series. Penile Implants One: Honey, my penis works again…

    Like

    SuzRocks recently posted Craigslist ain&8217t got nothing on a murder map.

  9. Will have to get second job to buy all the stuff in the store, although I suspect that there are ways to make the “Feeling Stabby” shirt pay for itself.

    Like

    Jon recently posted Jeopardy.

  10. I need two hundred of that shirt please. And a special dispensation from my company to wear it to work while waiting on tables. I have a feeling my tip percentage would go through the fucking roof. It’s bad enough to be the asshole who drank seven hundred diet cokes and has no idea what rare actually is, but who wants to be the CHEAP asshole…

    Like

    Lovinangels recently posted Please for the love of all that is holy-help me.

  11. also, must think of more ways to use douche-canoe in a sentence. That’s fucking awesome.

    Like

    Lovinangels recently posted Please for the love of all that is holy-help me.

  12. Saving up for that jewelry starting now. MUST HAVE.

    Like

  13. I can never read this blog without crying laughing. Never. And then I shouted the Ron Burgundy “I wanna be on you!” while reading. I’m not gay. You’re just too awesome Ms. Jenny.

    “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine”. Oh my gawd, I’m dyin’!

    Like

    Pixi recently posted Time for WTF Theater.

  14. But where is the love song for zombie ferrets that aren’t married? Nobody puts Single Zombie Ferret in a corner!

    Like

    Bridget recently posted Ad From My Facebook Page and Why It Reflects the Vast and Unspeakable Confusion That is the Universe.

  15. You are always so boobalicious in your sex column pics. I’m totally jealous of your rack.

    Like

    Steph recently posted I Was So Desperate for a Post Topic I Went to a Random Blog Post Topic Generator and Still I Ended Up With Diddley Squat.

  16. You’ve got my vote in the Bloggies! The other blogs I really love in there are Resistant But Persistent (such a beautiful writer) and White On Rice Couple (I wish I could take photos like theirs). Good luck!

    Like

  17. You are AWESOME!! Have a fabulous glorious day Jenny!! Hugs!

    Like

    watercolor recently posted Out with the dark and broody and in with bright and PINK!.

  18. whatthehell tokenblogger? Jenny writes GREAT!!! Just leave the reading to others who appreciate awesomeness. thatisall.

    Like

    watercolor recently posted Out with the dark and broody and in with bright and PINK!.

  19. So you’re like me, only better? 😉
    Okay, I’m off to link hop.

    Like

    Mother Theresa recently posted Photo Fun 12.

  20. I love that you sum everything up for me once a week. Love it. But is that Ben Folds video intended to make me feel like a boring, lazy mess? If so, mission accomplished. Good tune though.

    Like

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted Were having gas problems.

  21. PS – I can *totally* send you some polar bears to eat that kid’s face.

    Like

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted Were having gas problems.

  22. I’m pretty sure I need to be invited to your next sex toy party.

    Also, two thumbs up for the dildo-as-juicer usage. ❤

    Like

  23. Sitting here still LMAO at the senior porn names till it hit me duh that I’m not far from that time here myself!

    I totally love that you do the weekly wrap up, a great way to catch up and have a hearty dose of laughter at the same time!

    Like

    geekbabe recently posted The OnlineMom needs your support.

  24. Love the bit about the ferret, because FYI, ferrets freak me out. They’re like sock-shaped rats. And that’s just unnatural, y’all. A fried on mine just bought one, and she’s all “Look, he’s so smart. He chews through straws and stuff,” and I’m all, “that’s just practice for when that motherfucker decides to start chomping on your collarbone.” NOT NATURAL.

    Like

    Chelsie recently posted The Fine Art of Snow Penises- An Exhibition of Modern Sculpture.

  25. I would buy from your shop just to have uncut cocaine listed on my credit card bill. Because it’s hard to keep up your tough bitch street cred when you’re 5’2 and also a shut-in. And cracking my knuckles only annoys my roommate. And she also says it’s not bad-ass. But what does she know? (Nothing)

    Like

  26. Those pictures are so precious.

    Like

    Jessica Rolin recently posted Vampires DONT sparkle.

  27. I’ve never seen you review rubber vaginas. In case you ever need to, it’s very simple. They are all terrible. I’ve tried enough different ones to know. No matter how big they are, they are all too rubbery. Tight . . . in a bad way. No woman feels like that. And I’ve tried on at least the same number of women.

    Just a little help from Fred.

    Like

    Fred Miller recently posted Beauty is Gum Deep.

  28. I’m so pleased that being distracted makes me more efficient. Are you available to come and run my law school? Oh please say yes.

    Also, thank you so much for the Between Two Fern Leaves clip. I had never seen it before. I totally loved the first one, and BONUS – the second one features Michael Cera. Two for one distraction. A win win for you. You know what this means right? You just only went and DOUBLED your productivity. I think you deserve a break now. You are an example to us all 🙂

    Katy xxx

    Like

    Katy recently posted Weekly review.

  29. The fact that you take the time to complete this weekly wrap up every few weeks shows exactly the kind of selflessness that will one day see you rewarded with a national holiday of your very own. Screw the presidents. If it means another day off from government work, I’m voting “yea” for Bloggess Day.

    Like

    Bejewell recently posted Social media people love me Or want to sacrifice me to the zombies Whatever.

  30. I love your weekly wrap ups! Hailey is such a cutie! 🙂

    Like

    Dana recently posted My Late Valentines And Day Two of School.

  31. so… ferrets are actually little messengers of evil and torture and rank from satan and are never to be trusted. Ever.

    I have a friend who recently aquired chinchillas. THey are super cute and fuzzy… but oh my god, i swear my friend’s room mate is going to wake up one morning and find my dear friend lying in a pool of blood with his throat ripped open by their surprisingly vicious little teeth and when the room mate goes to get a closer look, he will realize that the evil little balls of furry are in fact sitting in my friends abdomen feasting on the soft organs that are “protected” by the ribcage. THey will also being using his intestines as little tunnels to run and play through. I seriously believe this, and implore my friend to make “double,triple sure” that their cages is locked and all the bars are still strong and not showing any signs of tampering/ chew marks. Just in case…

    Like

  32. LOVE the pictures and thanks for reminding me to vote!!!!

    Like

  33. So, earlier I said I could totally send you some polar bears to eat that stupid bully’s face. But I shouldn’t have spoken so soon. Some of my friends have since reminded me that we don’t actually have that many polar bears to spare (global warming and all that). So? I can offer to rent them to you instead. Or make a timeshare exchange for your rented goats. I think one polar bear for two goats is fair. What do you think?

    Like

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted Were having gas problems.

  34. As a Canadian I should be supporting the export that Annadanna is offering via the polar bear rental, but honestly I think it could be just as effective if you scored yourself a black bear and just spray-painted him white (or pink to match Hailey’s outfit).

    The “I Surrender” piece was beautiful and tragically honest. Thank you for sharing it with us.

    Could you also share the tits-n-ass cookies?
    You rock, and totally got my vote in the bloggies!

    Like

    Loonybin recently posted How I Discovered My Boob Is A Periscope For My Bladder.

  35. The Fail Butt cookie was simultaneously my favorite cookie as well as the one that I would be less excited about eating.

    Like

    Libby recently posted Ten Things I Want to Do Today on Tuesday on Friday.

  36. “looks like the kind of jewelry Dumbledore would give you to turn assholes into cheese”

    Rowling just said he was gay. She didn’t say he had a food fetish.

    Like

    Sarah P recently posted Romance.

  37. I absolutely loved the eldery porn title post. I had to email it to my mom b/c she’s cool like that. I mean she hasn’t been in porn or anything, I don’t think, but I know she will love that post.

    Like

    Elle recently posted The awesome of the week.

  38. Talk about being sucked in! Glad you found me – otherwise I might have died an ignorant death not having visited your blog! I am totally sucked in! Thanks for the mention!

    Like

    Meeta recently posted Photography- Camera Equipment - The Bilora.

  39. Every girl should have lots of Princess pictures…even as we age, we need to feel that “Princessy” feeling now and again. It’s good for the soul.

    Like

    Lookie Lou, TPPC.tv Web TV for Pet Lovers recently posted Pet Blogger Support Saturday Blog Hop &amp Blog Salute to Chihuahua Wisdom.

  40. I always love your weekly wrap ups-they make me laugh, cry, think, and pee my pants a little. Also, that Fail Butt cookie makes me feel both hungry and insecure…way to go Jenny, you think of everything. ;-p

    Like

  41. I really like the shirt. Sadly we with big boobage can’t wear it.

    Like

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted No way people really like that.

  42. This video of me as a child (I wish) pretty much dominated my weekend: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3FeXYW_Je8

    Not to mention my trying to recreate an ‘answer’ tot his video and failed miserably because I cannot sew.

    Hailey is totes adorable, by the way.

    Like

    John B recently posted cause theyre so delicious!.

  43. Zombie Love Song, now an ear worm. thanks.

    Like

  44. Regarding the bullying, I got called a “miss-oginist” once. Said I wasn’t “the least bit funny.” Bitch couldn’t take a joke.

    Like

    Fred Miller recently posted Beauty is Gum Deep.

  45. Love the combination column/Grandparents here’s some pictures of Hailey! One of my siblings was just complaining to me that she seems disconnected from life recently. I told her…”well if you’d read my blog that wouldn’t happen now would it!” I’m totally going to be blogging about her now!

    Like

    Jenn recently posted Bill Cosby Made Me Do It…I’m easily influenced.

  46. Your solution to comment-bullying on your blog was fucking inspired!

    I’d totally use it but I’ve never had a ‘you suck’ comment left on my blog.
    Either I’m as hilarious as I think I am, or my mom is erasing them before I get to them.
    Yay mom!

    Like

    If I Were God... recently posted The Body and its Uses naughty &amp nice part II.

  47. My boss is surely thankful for my sharp mind, due to taking frequent breaks to read your blog.

    I gave you a shout out in my blog today. I know, it really matters, right? In case my four fans hadn’t already heard of you. 🙂

    Like

    Tershbango recently posted Monday Marvels.

  48. 48
    Kathleen Trail

    Just curious if you even get nervous about spell-checking “public” for “pubic” when you write your sex column? It’s not like anyone would be offended, unless they’re a total douche canoe…..

    Like

  49. Holy gah, but I was reading those shorty finalists and there’s a whoooooole lot of Belieber nonsense going on. Also? I have no idea who any of the women in the actress category are. Women? Girls? Probably girls.

    And lastly, don’t forget that it is *also* up to Whitney Port who I do know about because my husband forced me to watch “The Hills” and then its follow-up “One of the Affectless Idiots Gets a Big Time Job in NYC with Another Slightly Prettier and Skinnier Idiot and the Whole World Watches”. I think, and I’m just guessing here, that my husband hates me.

    Going back to that page to make sure I got Whitney’s name right, I also realized Alyssa Milano is on there. And Kurt Andersen. Gosh, Jenny. This thing is completely up in the air. Good luck, brave soldier.

    Like

    Penelope recently posted Its snowing again.

  50. First … STORY IDEA 4 YOU. I was watching a show this past weekend called Meteorite Man. These dudes were hunting meteor rocks ….. ALL of them in Texas. Yes… I said TEXAS. You should be worried about this shit.. seems Texas is where they like to fall. .. ps: they are worth $ if you find them.

    LOVE your piece about bullies.. they really are just assholes!! I have to be sure Im not in public when I read your blog because I get weird looks when I snort laugh.

    BEWARE THE METEORS …… juss saying.

    Like

    Holly B recently posted Getting My Kicks On Route 66 While Wearing Astronaut Diapers.

  51. Oh, man. Things aren’t looking good for ya honey. I mean, MC Hammer is in charge of your fate? Wow. I mean, wow. Good luck.
    p.s. I really wish I had big enough cajones to buy your “Carry on Motherfucker” t-shirt. That’s got to be my favorite saying ever. Which doesn’t say much for me, does it.
    🙂
    Mindy
    http://www.thesuburbanlife.com

    Like

    mindy@thesuburbanlife recently posted An Oldie but a Goodie….

  52. So my blog post was syndicated on BlogHer.com. I get in all three “Top” Lists (Sparkles, Comments, Views). I come fifth in views, with some 3500. The day I’m forced off the lists because my week is up, I notice a mysterious incline in my views… wth? Eventually, my views more than double, and now I just have to find out how. I pose the question on The Chatter. Denise answers – it must be The Bloggess. Huh? Google = The Bloggess. Ah… there I am “I Surrender” in your “The (bleep) I didn’t come up with but wish I did because it’s kind of awesome” posted on Sunday.

    Yay! Thanks so much for finding me and for the link 🙂

    Hey, Everyone – if you want your stuff to get noticed, advertise on The Bloggess. Her links come highly recommended!

    Like

    Angela DiGiovanni | Living Out Loud recently posted Giveaway Winner For February- Hand Wash Cold.

  53. I am, literally, going to purchase “Carry On, Motherfucker” tee shirts for my whole family. Best gift ever.

    Like

    Susan recently posted Give Me Electricity or Give Me Death-Almost Literally.

  54. …Why can’t we have ponies? The link won’t work!

    Like

  55. Oh, also you made me want to have a sex party. Which, in a college dorm, quite frankly wouldn’t be hard. But it wouldn’t be as classy as yours. And it also might end up turning into the *other* kind of sex party because college kids can’t control their hormonal impulses. Especially my roommate. I don’t know if she understands that I live in the room too, and I’m not just an occasional visitor who refuses to wash her sheets.

    Like

    Jess recently posted IMMA EAT YOU BITCH.

  56. Tila and Jennifer…soo classic! I adore them both…thanks for hooking me up with Between Two Ferns!

    Like

    stacebird recently posted The Great Climate Debate and other stuff.

  57. Jeez, I love being distracted by you! Thank you for making me so efficient!

    Like

    andi recently posted It seems Ariel needed new earrings….

  58. Hey look, it’s a robot love song to compliment your zombie love song! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_51Hs56wW4

    Like

    Katie recently posted My Other Banjo Is Made Of Book.

  59. I went to your friend Sandrandan’s Etsy shop, and she had a CICADA RING! WITH OAK LEAVES!

    I love both cicadas and oak trees, so of course I totally bought the ring. I can’t wait to wear it.

    Like

    DMI Wench recently posted Monsanto GMO Seeds Use to Further Expand Within US.

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