59 thoughts on “This is my second post about Abraham Lincoln today and neither of them have been useful in any way. That must be some sort of record. A terrible, terrible record.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Thank god the truth can finally be told. Lincoln’s last words were, “Ow, he’s breaking my butt.” I like that better than the Getty Center Dress speech.

  2. Was that a film about what did happen to Abe or what’s gonna happen to Kanye West? I don’t know if it’s just me, but the representation of Abraham Lincoln totally channelled Kanye. Which of course is amazing.
    Also, if you’re offended by me saying this, I’m British. I don’t know any better.

    Quick, look at my bad teeth. *makes a quick getaway*

  3. I KNEW I had that damn answer right in Mr. Henry’s history class! All this governmental cover-up is the reason I had to spend the first 2 years in the seventh grade.

  4. omg. i sooooooooooooooooooooooooo needed to almost pee my pants laughing. and that video totally did the trick. thanks blogess! 🙂

  5. And to think that all these years, my parents thought I was just trying to subversive by suggesting what we learned in history class wasn’t the *real* truth. HAH! I win, suckers.

  6. See, this is why Canada is great.

    No one gives a rat’s ass about Prime Ministers. Now vampires and Shakespeare are good shit.

    So, if it’s President’s Day, does Obama get the day off?

    Now ya fucked up, now ya fucked up, now ya fucked up…

    WHAT?!? WHAT!??!?!

  7. Terribly brilliant. Could have been Tweeted. Or haiku’d. Way to not take away ant attention from the presidents!

  8. Umm, there must be something wrong with my internets, cuz I have nothing to watch and/or mock…. Hmmm…. Was this done to me on purpose?!?!?

  9. Seriously – where do you find this stuff?!

    That was hilarious. That, and the fact, that he discovered ham.

  10. I thought the portrayal of Hamlet was particularly astute. And frankly, Lincoln was a bit of an asshat there, so in the end, I was cheering for JWB. Good thing he had his hammer handy. Silly Mrs B, trying to come between JWB and Lincoln’s ass-hammering.

    Hey, wait… MC Hammer is deciding your Shorty right now, isn’t he? Coincidence?

  11. You may think that’s pretty fucking funny, but it’s not funny to me. Because on April 14, 2006, I saw a play about the Civil War (“Shenandoah” with Scott Bakula) at Ford’s Theatre in Washington DC, and we sat right next to the box Lincoln had been sitting in the night he was killed on the anniversary of same. It was nice. What wasn’t nice was my eating some shitty calamari right before the play and spending much of the first act blowing ass all over the restroom while in utter agony. Thus, a comedic video about dying of an ass hammering at Ford’s Theatre? Was far from funny.

  12. I knew revisionist history started with Adam and Eve, with Adam, the only one with a pencil, writing down the story of the Garden of Eden and making Eve the bad guy, so it is no surprise that we never heard the true story of Abe Lincoln at Ford’s Theater.

    This is why we should stop having a holiday for dead presidents, and have a holiday celebrating me, instead. It would be observed by everyone giving me dead presidents. Not their rotted corpses, but actual cash with dead presidents’ pictures on them. Only the pictures would be from when they were alive, not after they are dead, because that would be counterfeit money, and I forbid anyone to break the law on my special day.

  13. Well, thank you for finally shedding light on the sad and much lamented demise of Abe the Impaled but I have a serous issue to raise, why is there a white Othello in a production of Hamlet? This is desecration of the highest order.

    Also, you would think a President could afford a less wobbly hat.

    These are the serious issues.

  14. I read all your posts, of course, but I still miss Keith, just sayin. I hope you have plans to send him some sort of package too…..

  15. Why can’t we have more than one president’s day holiday? Seriously we have like 44 presidents…can’t we get like at least 4 more days off? Just wondering.

  16. I love this video so much. My brother in law showed it to me a while ago and I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard in my life! You are awesome for sharing this with your devoted followers.

  17. In the spirit of useless posts about Abe Lincoln, I wish you were brown-bagging Jack Daniels with me at the Lincoln Memorial last Saturday night, trying not to burn down a national monument while bringing Honest Abe a cupcake for his 202nd. Because then there would have been two of us.

    But I’m sure you were very nearly burning down something else, and that’s good too.

  18. What! What!
    This is way better than I thought President’s Day was about. Thanks, Bloggess, for clearing that up. Imma go get my gin n juice now. Peace out, yo.

  19. Another unknown fact about “Honest” Abe: He talked in a falsetto. High, airy voice.

  20. Jenny, normally I love your blog and the links you put up. But today’s post was deeply disappointing. You left the apostrophe out of Presidents’ Day. Please don’t do that again. Or I will send someone to hammer your ass to death.

  21. I can only hope that when the time comes for me to die, I get to scream “Shit” in a prolonged manner before I succumb to the vampire’s curse.

  22. This is why you Teeter from Sponors going YEAH GOT TO HAVE THE FUCKING BLOGGESS to…ah…hmmm …..is America really ready for this? Let’s keep tabs on the Xanax perscriptions and if they raise nationally that Bitch is ours.

  23. This has nothing to do with this post, and everything to do with assvice that you requested on another post (and another blog, actually). You were talking about the pain of RA and not wanting to take narcotics because parenting while stoned is frowned upon in some remote places. However! I have fibromyalgia (while not the same does have it’s own version of ouch) and I have found some painkillers act as uppers instead of downers. So I get some energy and I’m awake, functional, able to drive, parent, etc. Others just make me stoned and are reserved for bedtime because I’m really fond of sleeping. You might have already tried every painkiller out there, but I’m hoping that maybe this helps. Chronic pain sucks disease-ridden, unwashed dick. Chronically.

  24. Oh my, thank you for that. I’m feeling all P-Day festive now, and it’s already passed. Not too late to celebrate!

  25. Just to prove I’m a bigger prick than Lincoln, I’d like to point out that John Wilkes Booth went by the name “Wilkes”, not John. His Dad went by John. Or something. Anyway, other than that, the script was fine.

  26. I LOVE THIS. My husband, his brother, and his brother’s wife and I watched this over and over and said “calm down just calm down!” to everything. Then my BIL & his wife started arguing and perfectly timed their 3 year old started singing “CALM DOWN JUST CALM DOWN!” I was supa proud.

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