“They picked a fight with a chupacabra” is my new favorite phrase.

In case you missed it this week, Charlie Sheen has gone totally fucking bananners.  Normally I try not to laugh at crazy people but he really seems to be enjoying his bizarre ego-maniacal rants lately so I feel justified in enjoying them as well.  In fact, my friend Jenny Grace sent me a page that combines your mad-libs with some of Charlie’s recent rants and it’s kind of awesome.  Here’s  mine:

I called my sister and screamed the whole thing on her voicemail with no explanation whatsoever. Five bucks says she never even mentions it.

UPDATE: My sister just called me back and asked if I was suffering from smoke inhalation, which I assumed was some sort of insult.  Then she informed me that Texas has been on fire for days and I was all “Texas is on fire? But that’s where I keep all my stuff”.  Then she accused me of never knowing what’s going on in the world and I pointed out that if it was really serious they probably would have mentioned it on the Oscars.  Then she hung up on me. Charlie Sheen would never put up with this bullshit.

135 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Smoke Inhalation=Sheendosing. Duh, winning.

  2. Absollutely PERFECT as always.

  3. Damn, I should have taken you up on that bet… asking if you are suffering from smoke inhalation is totally mentioning that you sounded like a raving lunatic on her answering machine. 🙂

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  4. “Two-and-a-half Chupacabra’s” … starring Jenny Lawson, Charlie Sheen and James Garfield.

    That, my friends, is must-see TV.

    WINNING! DUH!

    Daddy Scratches recently posted I have figured out The Best iPhone-to-Flickr-to-Twitter Workflow Ever- and you should listen to me- because I know everything.

  5. See the apostrophe typo back there in “Chupacabra’s”? Yeah, I’ll lose sleep over that tonight. OCD is fun.

    Daddy Scratches recently posted I have figured out The Best iPhone-to-Flickr-to-Twitter Workflow Ever- and you should listen to me- because I know everything.

  6. If it had read “panda blood” it would have been better. Though “caressing my testicle” nearly makes up for it. But not the whole apology part. Who doesn’t love a good testicle caressing every now and again. I mean, really?

    writtendad recently posted Garage Appreciation Day.

  7. What’s the difference between a golden ninja and a normal ninja? Aside from the goldness?
    Or is it just the goldness? In which case, I’m totally buying some spray paint.

    elpemmy recently posted I always imagine procrastinator being said in the same tone of voice as one would say TERMINATOR.

  8. If SHE knew what was going on in the world she would have known exactly what you were talking about. Hah.

    You are freaking blenderiffic. I don’t really know what that means, though.

    Beth recently posted What sort of title goes with lesbian teachers and big abstract flowers.

  9. You have a way of making learning verbs fun.

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  10. 10
    Jeremy Southard

    That was spectacular!

  11. I wanted to do that Mad Lib. But it was way too long. And I’m really lazy.

    avasmommy recently posted Little Glass Houses.

  12. Excuse me, but Charlie Sheen is the only thing going on in the world right now. What? Libya who now?

    Miss Yvonne recently posted Im So Deep Undercover- Even I Didnt Know I Was An Agent.

  13. You are the most blenderiffic of them all.

    I honestly can’t picture you shouting though, is that part of the story true?

    Jenny Grace recently posted The Quick Life Update Post.

  14. Still taking the ADD meds, I see.

    momiss recently posted Victory is mine.

  15. One should never be left without means of pummelling one’s family. Or jellybeans.

    Penbleth recently posted Child has a friend in school — NO.

  16. I eat this post and am also totally crying with every move Lucille Ball is making lately. It has been awhile since we have shredded such a purple source of total, crusty lunacy. Although, I licked some of his breast pumps for my husband and he said he totally understood where he was coming from and didn’t sound fiesty at all. He was dead sexy. I have 478 packed guns under my bra now (One for me and each child) just in case my husband starts talking about wallaby drool running through his hair.*

    What? Nobody else commented in Mad Lib? Laaaaaaaaaame.

    *Original comment:
    I love this post and am also totally obsessed with every move Charlie Sheen is making lately. It has been awhile since we have had such an amazing source or total, uninhibited lunacy. Although, I read some of his long rants to my husband and he said he totally understood where he was coming from and didn’t sound crazy at all. He was dead serious. I have three packed bags under my bed now (One for me and each child) just in case my husband starts talking about the tiger blood running through his veins.

    RealMommyChron recently posted The Highs and Lows of Motherhood…for Real.

  17. Texas is a big state. The whole thing is not on fire. It was the earthquake.

    Karen recently posted My cat is an asshole.

  18. You might have what it takes to be his third goddess. You’re into porn and snorting blow off crack rocks while shooting up warlock piss, right? Although to be honest, it’s hard to tell what you changed. In any case it is “winning”. It has been interesting to see what someone with Two and a Half Brain Cells will say when interviewed on every media outlet ever. But Charlie, go get better now.

    HeathRobots recently posted Didnt Take Enough Charlie Sheen to Enjoy Oscars.

  19. You need a blog dedicated entirely to Stark Raving Mad Libs!

    John B recently posted Microwaves Tiaras.

  20. Huh… I live in Texas and didnt know it was on fire. Wouldnt that be some sort of state of emergency? Should I be concerned? lol… I never know whats going on in the world other than whats on my Yahoo homepage in the morning. Whatev’s

    You are awesome and I love reading your blog!

    MindyAnn recently posted Random Tuesday Thoughts- I May Just Drink My Daily WW Points in Wine NBD- right.

  21. I just learned Charlie Sheen joined twitter. It’s like Christmas around here.
    http://twitter.com/#!/charliesheen

    Karen recently posted My cat is an asshole.

  22. “I am on a drug. It’s called Anastasia. If you try it once, you will demolish. Your tummy will melt off, and your husband will screw over your shot body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not mavrickish—a total freaking stylist to the stars from Jupiter. I’ve got cheetah blood, Aphrodite DNA! … They picked a fight with a unicorn. They’re trying to take all my hoses and leave me with no means to crept my family. It’s not physics! They owe me an apology while licking my nose hair … I don’t think people are ready for the egg I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of dismal love. I exposed goats to magic! Here’s your sweat test. Next one goes in your vagina!”

    I admit I’m a bit disturbed to learn this about my husband.

  23. My favorite part of my Charlie-lib was “I don’t think people are ready for the cheese I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of terrible love.”

  24. OMG, this is too fun.
    “I am on a drug. It’s called weirdenough. If you try it once, you will cuddling. Your fingernail will melt off, and your second cousins will marching over your pummeled body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not tigeriffic—a total freaking rocket scientist from Uranus. I’ve got tasmanian devil blood, Zeus DNA! … They picked a fight with a unicorn. They’re trying to take all my critters and leave me with no means to launching my family. It’s not molecular science! They owe me an apology while orally fixating my arch … I don’t think people are ready for the billy goat I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of horrified love. I exposed nannies to magic! Here’s your phlegm test. Next one goes in your nostril!”

    Barbara recently posted Die- Spammer- Die.

  25. Hilarious! Here’s mine!
    “I am on a drug. It’s called Lilmuna. If you try it once, you will stabbed. Your leg will melt off, and your brother will ranting over your mauled body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not maverick—a total freaking supermodel from saturn. I’ve got cougar blood, zeus DNA! … They picked a fight with a werewolf. They’re trying to take all my cookies and leave me with no means to eat my family. It’s not physics! They owe me an apology while caressing my neck … I don’t think people are ready for the tree I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of boorish love. I exposed boxes to magic! Here’s your drool test. Next one goes in your ear!”

  26. Dude, Thor isn’t greek. I side with your sister.

  27. I wish a Mad Lib would caress my testicle. I would actually grow a pair for that.

    Julie the Wife recently posted The Hookers Gave Me Some Disease.

  28. Your mad libs makes more sense than what charlie actually said.

    Hamlets mistress recently posted In which my husband poisoned me….

  29. also:
    “I am on a drug. It’s called Jules. If you try it once, you will crush. Your piehole will melt off, and your baby brother will dance over your pummeled body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not grotesque—a total freaking ballet dancer from Pluto. I’ve got bumblebee blood, Artemis DNA! … They picked a fight with Nessie. They’re trying to take all my Teabags and leave me with no means to feel my family. It’s not Anthropology! They owe me an apology while humping my eyesocket … I don’t think people are ready for the avocado I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of hunted love. I exposed babies to magic! Here’s your pee test. Next one goes in your nostril !”

  30. A.D.O.R.E. Y.O.U.! Your Mad Lib Sheen-style is fricking genius!

  31. 31
    Pam up north

    Mad libs are awesome, and you did a primo job…nice work. I think you should do this for everything that comes out of Charlie Sheen’s mouth…it would make it that much MORE fun/sad.

  32. HA HA HA!! I too wrote a blog about Carlos today. Mine isnt as funny.. but I did make a funny picture to go with it which I’m pretty proud of. http://www.midwesternmamah.com/2011/03/crazy-or-crazy-like-fox.html

    Holly B recently posted Crazy Or Crazy Like A Fox.

  33. high-larious

  34. I could do with more radioactive cats in my life, but it’s such a pain to go to the uranium pet store. What? I’m getting them delivered to me? AWESOME!

    Angela@beggingtheanswer recently posted Not Quite As Befuddled.

  35. TWO Bloggess posts in one day??? Score! Way better than sex.

    Steph recently posted How Not To Bake.

  36. “Then she informed me that Texas has been on fire for days and I was all “Texas is on fire? But that’s where I keep all my stuff”. Then she accused me of never knowing what’s going on in the world and I pointed out that if it was really serious they probably would have mentioned it on the Oscars. Then she hung up on me. Charlie Sheen would never put up with this bullshit.”

    This is the kinda stuff that makes you so awesome!

    tokenblogger recently posted Google deleted his saved emails — all 17-000 of them….

  37. Nevermind. Your other one was yesterday but I’m reading it a day late so I READ two in one day. Which is *still* better than sex. I’m confused. I blame the earthquake.

    Steph recently posted How Not To Bake.

  38. Definitely can see a weekly feature called “weekly mad libs with the bloggess”…now that’s how to amuse the crazies in us all. 😀

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  39. If we made a Frankenstein-esque abomination using both Jenny and Charlie, then it would probably putter around just spouting off things like this. Which would be pretty awesome and also perplexing. We could call it “Jarlie”. Or “Chenny”. Or “HOLY SHIT WHY HAVE YOU STAPLED HALF OF CHARLIE SHEEN’S FACE TO THAT WOMAN’S HEAD”, because that is probably what people would yell when they see him/her. We could shorten it to “HSWHYSHOCSFTTWH” for the sake of brevity.

    Jess recently posted Drawing Alot.

  40. … And that’s why you always leave a note!

    And…shit! I have stuff in Texas too!

    Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted In which i learned shit on Twitter.

  41. Charlie Sheen is somehow taking over Twitter as I type this with ZERO tweets an egg profile shot (he got the baby blue background). In 33 minutes he went from 92,000 followers to 135,000.

    I think I should not have admitted knowing that last fact. That shows I am somewhat obsessed and maybe checking too often. But I am proud to say I DID NOT FOLLOW HIM. I did, however, make a list with my peeps following so I get the retweets. Somehow that makes me feel better.

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted Oscar Disasters- Amy Adams’ Necklace- Scarlett Johansson’s Dress- Reece Witherspoon’s Hair- and My Nationals Baseball Cap.

  42. 42
    Chelly Belle

    “I am on a drug. It’s called Chelly Belle. If you try it once, you will plotz. Your elbow will melt off, and your father will hover over your stinky body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not rotuberant—a total freaking dog whisperer from Uranus. I’ve got rabbit blood, Neptune DNA! … They picked a fight with a trolloc. They’re trying to take all my sheep and leave me with no means to molt my family. It’s not microbiology! They owe me an apology while fucking my liver … I don’t think people are ready for the shiv I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of no-shit love. I exposed wildebeests to magic! Here’s your plasma test. Next one goes in your belly button!”

  43. I don’t want Charlie Sheen to change, ever.

    Sarah P recently posted Ass-burningly grown-up.

  44. I have just discovered how sad and small my life is. I had no idea about Charlie Sheen, Texas, or New Zealand until I read this blog and the one yesterday. I love you Jenny, but I find it a little depressing that this is where I’m getting my news. Still, getting my news here is better than getting it from FOX.

    Jodi recently posted Animal Crossing.

  45. wait a fekking minute… you mean pee tests aren’t supposed to be in my earhole?

    my doctor is such a fucking asshole

    furiousBall recently posted duckgirl spotted at local dentist.

  46. Jesus Christ. I saw Charlie Sheen do an interview last night. He says he’s glad that he did that things he did, and that he gave his friends a gift from the experience. That gift, I’m assuming, is VD.

    Chelsie recently posted How I learned to love the frump.

  47. I’m back. But not a stalker. I did the mad lib too….

    “I am on a drug. It’s called Stephanie. If you try it once, you will implode. Your fingernails will melt off, and your great aunt Sally will gurgle over your splattered body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not okie dokie—a total freaking paid escort from Mars. I’ve got finger monkey blood, Zeus DNA! … They picked a fight with a Loch Ness Monster. They’re trying to take all my tampons and leave me with no means to hoard my family. It’s not gynecology! They owe me an apology while fingering my ovary … I don’t think people are ready for the tire iron I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of mutilated love. I exposed grasslands to magic! Here’s your saliva test. Next one goes in your butt!”

    Steph recently posted How Not To Bake.

  48. The thing of it is, and maybe this has been said before, I don’t know I haven’t read the comments, I honestly can’t tell what is true Sheen quote and what is the Bloggess mad lib. Except for the part where it mentions you by name. Though for all I know, that’s the only real part. Nothing, at this point, would surprise me when it comes to either one of you. I mean that in the best way possible.

  49. Also, I couldn’t take it anymore and did a Mad Lib myself. Here’s a snippit:

    “I don’t think people are ready for the corned beef sandwich I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of off-putting love. I exposed cabbages to magic!”

    And…
    “They picked a fight with a marshmallow fairy.”

    Jess recently posted Drawing Alot.

  50. My favourite Charlie-related media clip?

    When John Stomos responded to rumours that he would be taking Charlie’s place on Two And A Half Men: “Contrary to the rumors, i am not replacing charlie sheen on two and half men. however, martin sheen has asked me to be his son.”

    boo-yah

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  51. I want to face hump Daddy Scratches after that comment. I don’t want to face hump Charlie Sheen. His crazyshake brings all the goddesses to the yard.

    Elly Lou recently posted Can Cats Be Possessed By People That Are Still Living.

  52. They just came out with a study the the drug ecstasy doesn’t cause brain damage. Maybe they should get him to switch from cocaine to ecstasy. For his own good. Before he picks a fight with the wrong chupacabra.

    Betty Fokker recently posted My dad and the bullshit on his shrubs.

  53. Bahaha! I loved Mad-libs as a kid! My sister and I would always store up all our dirty words and pollute the Mad-libs tablets that our grandmother gifted us. We were raised Catholic. What else would you expect?

    “..apology while caressing my testicle” is gold. Pure gold.

    Johi recently posted Wrangler Butts Drive Me Nuts or maybe it is the lack of sleep.

  54. …it’s kind of hard to distinguish the actual Charlie Sheen from the mad-lib. all of that sounds like something he’d say.

  55. Well, blogess followers let me say this, those people who waste their time watching someone else’s life are definitely not watching their own. What does that tell you, that I am having a life while they are watching mine. I am a chupacabra laughing.

  56. Just…Hilarious…

  57. He should totally blame it on the earthquake…..

    BOOM. WINNING!

    Kelly recently posted Some Women Get Jewelry.

  58. –>Kelly at #55 totally beat me to blaming it on the earthquake.
    Double points for you, Kelly.

    Charlie Sheen sooooo needs to hook up with Linsay Lohen.

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  59. I don’t let losers into my octagon because everyone knows I’m bi-winning (I’m winning over here, I’m winning over there!).

    Melissa recently posted No Uterus- No Say.

  60. Ms. Bloggess, you are a TOTAL FREAKING GOLDEN NINJA FROM NEPTUNE and I want to be just like you!!!

    The fact that you screamed that into your sister’s voicemail…genius. Just genius.

    yours,
    stacebird

    stacebird recently posted Birds are Far From Boring.

  61. Wow, Jenny? This is like poetry. Crazy, crazy poetry.

  62. Here’s a website that generates Sheen quotes: http://www.livethesheendream.com/

    Also, I won a t-shirt from The Toilet Paper (http://thetoiletpaper.com/, Daily News for the Thinking Man) by making up Charlie Sheen quotes for a contest. Here’s a few I submitted:

    -“I got daffodils dancing in my pants…I’m a flying hubcap and I will decapitate you.”

    -“I got hangovers getting over me…I’m a blowjob with teeth and I will give your junk hickeys.”

    -“I got God’s toothbrush in my medicine cabinet…I’m a cat-o’-nine-tails and I will ignore your safe word.”

    Dan Burt recently posted Captain Canard presents Fun Hatch.

  63. Mine sounds oddly like it could be yours, Jenny, but that’s because we have the same name. And I used the word stab.

    “I am on a drug. It’s called Jenny. If you try it once, you will stab. Your elbow will melt off, and your nieces will gesticulate over your bombed body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not fantastimal—a total freaking sommelier from Krypton. I’ve got kangaroo blood, Athena DNA! … They picked a fight with a dragon. They’re trying to take all my teacups and leave me with no means to flop my family. It’s not astrobiology! They owe me an apology while licking my kneecap … I don’t think people are ready for the candlestick I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of sulky love. I exposed beards to magic! Here’s your plasma test. Next one goes in your nostril!”

    Oh Charlie Sheen, whatever have you done to yourself…?

    jenny gee recently posted Snippets of update.

  64. This is the funniest damn thing I have read in ages!! Thanks for the giggle 🙂

    Molly Malone recently posted Why was the tomato blushing Cos it saw the salad dressing.

  65. I love this: “Texas is on fire? But that’s where I keep all my stuff”.

    You are made of win, Jenny!

    Brenna recently posted Microwave popcorn for the healthy- lazy person.

  66. Chupacabra is WINNING!!!!! Awesome post as always…

    Dana recently posted I Am NOT Getting Sick I Cant- Its Not On The Schedule And I Cant Work It In.

  67. Hilarious. Made my night. Thank you. And thank you Charlie.

    Donna recently posted Visions of Sugar Plums.

  68. Pfftt… only bits of the Western part of Texas *were* on fire. On Sunday. So they shut down I-20, no big deal, everyone was supposed to be watching the Oscars anyway, right?
    And those are my new favorite mad libs. Awesomesauce.

  69. I wonder how many times “chupacabra” has been googled this week. At least once in the past 5 seconds: that I know.

    the muskrat recently posted how NOT to respond to the prospect of foreign objects in your ass.

  70. The fuck?? Texas is on fire?!?!

    I not only keep my shit here, I keep my drugs here. Everybody grab a bucket of water!!!!

  71. Hysterical. I had to google “gerund” — don’t tell my sister the English teacher. Who was the recipient of my composition. Thanks for sharing!

  72. Texas is on fire?!?!?!? Where? Not north Texas. This is a big fucking state. Your sister has got to be more specific! The coast? The north, south, east, west, central? Panhandle? Desert? Seriously! I didn’t even see it on the news this morning. I think she just made that up to screw with you for yelling the Charlie Sheen mad-lib into her answering machine, which was an awesome thing to do, btw.

    Amanda recently posted Addendum to the Munchkins Reading Harry Potter Post.

  73. To quote Ozzy Osbourne, “Who the fuck is Charlie Sheen?” Only he said it about Colin Farrell. But I really mean it.

    Fred Miller recently posted My Pussy.

  74. Texas is not on fire. Your sister made that up. How could she compete with Charlie lib?

    Um..Dan Burt? “I will ignore your safe word.”?

    So effing awesome. I will cherish it in my heart forever and then I will use it on someone like it was mine.

    Carrie recently posted One Big Kiss.

  75. Nope it was totally the panhandle that was on fire Sunday. I

  76. It’s a good thing your sister mentioned the Texas on fire thing, otherwise I would’ve suspected her of accusing you of smoking skinny cigarettes.

    kyknoord recently posted I don’t follow.

  77. Have you seen this: http://is.gd/HLYnWZ Whose Line Is It: Sheen Vs. Gaddafi. Not going to lie, I did poorly because I really wanted to believe that Gaddafi was crazier.

    Samantha recently posted Soap Opera PPD.

  78. Sheen’s on Twitter now – I’m desparately awaiting the crazy to spew forth in 140 characters. it will be epic.

    Julia @ Boredom Abounds recently posted Oscars 2011 Fashion Round Up.

  79. The irony to me is that Sheen’s publicist quit in the middle of the biggest publicity bonanza in the history of celebrity meltdowns. Why would he do that? Because his work here is done? I don’t know, but I am totally ready for that sumbitch to take over my publicity because so far I don’t really have any, but I am so ready to spend two weeks in a drug fueled binge with hookers and porn stars just to get 50 people to read my shit on a regular basis. It’s the least I can do. Fuck it. I’ll settle for 5.

    Jonah Gibson recently posted Turning the Other Cheek.

  80. Um. Thank you. Yes. Thank you.

  81. Dear Jenny, once again you proved that a person succeeds because s/he is surrounded by awesome people who will not stop sending them random awesome shit. You also proved once again that The Internet ROCKS!

    I thought the Soundbites and sound board of Charlie Sheen I found this morning were ALL THAT. Well, I should NOT have picked a fight with Chapacabra indeed. I bow my head in your general direction. Which is south from me. I think.

    So is there a contest now to see WHOSE is the BEST randomly generated rant? No matter. I am going to use it for my blog material tomorrow (or today). Great for people suffering from jet lag.

    subWOW recently posted Fireworks.

  82. By the way, if you were crazy enough to listen to the entire Sheen interview by Howard Stern, you’d learned that he may not be crazy: the show’s producers wanted to cut the season short with 8 shows left according to the contract, they only wanted to pay for half of that and stiff the crew. Sheen demanded that they at least pay 100% to the crew. IF that’s indeed truly his intention, he’d be a hero to the Union workers all over this country.

    subWOW recently posted Fireworks.

  83. I do hope that, “But that’s where I keep all my stuff” is a reference to “The Tick”, because it would make me adore you 2.7 times more than I already do.

  84. Ooo ooo, this is great fun! I am totally going to keep doing this until I find my favorite rant.

    Here’s what I got so far:
    “I am on a drug. It’s called Kiki. If you try it once, you will defenestrate. Your inner ear will melt off, and your second cousin will lick over your impaled body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not super-beans—a total freaking plastic surgeon from Rigel 5. I’ve got rabid mongoose blood, Dionysus DNA! … They picked a fight with a scary vampire. They’re trying to take all my sheeps and leave me with no means to fondle my family. It’s not botany! They owe me an apology while rimming my knee-pit … I don’t think people are ready for the kettle I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of smelly love. I exposed envelopes to magic! Here’s your earwax test. Next one goes in your enlarged pore!”

  85. Wow, thank you. I really needed that coffee snorting up my nose as I read this. Just when I thought it couldn’t get funnier, I read the update. I SOOOO want to meet your sister. Ahh the tales she could tell…

    linda@adventuresinexpatland.com recently posted Alleluia! Alleluia!.

  86. I love peering into Charlie Sheen’s mind. It’s fascinating!

    Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted Elvis doesn’t turn on my husband.

  87. Suffering from smoke inhalation? I guess that depends on what type of smoke you are inhalin’…

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted WW- Inside the House of Slitherin’.

  88. When I first read the headline I thought it said, “They picked a fight with a CHALUPA”, which would also work in this space…if you knew *what* a fucking chalupa is in the first place!

    Nicole recently posted Seviche.

  89. Charlie on 20/20 last night…not as good as this Mad Lib.

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  90. It’s just a matter of time before Charlie Sheen peels off his mask and reveals to the world that he is, in fact, Sarah Palin.

    moooooog35 recently posted The Attack of Gobblezilla.

  91. OK two things.

    First thing – You know I love any and all comments about chupacabra feet since you told me that’s how I should be paid for all my future endorsement deals *and* we talked about it when I interviewed you. I am waiting for another prospective deal so that I can totally use that.

    Second thing – My husband and I lived in Texas for two years. The first summer we were there, it was the hottest summer on record (at the time, because I bet it’s broken every year). One day, I got a call from my mom saying she hadn’t heard from me in several days and was just wondering if I was OK, or dead, or in the hospital. When I told her of course I was fine, and what was she talking about, she said, “Carolyn, people are *DYING* in Texas from the heat. They are *DYING*. Don’t you watch the news? Don’t you know what’s *GOING ON IN THE WORLD*?” True story.

    carolyn recently posted Its Interview Time - Welcome The Creative Junkie!.

  92. If I give you my phone number will you scream something in my voicemail with no explanation whatsoever?

  93. 93
    HannahBanana
  94. Dont make me go all G-6, up in here, up in here. LOL That man is INSANE and it’s ok to laugh, cuz he is too!!!

    knows not what I do.. recently posted Bless the pain- which lead me HERE.

  95. I am dangerously close to getting a tattoo that says WINNING.

    That or Thor DNA.

    I. I need to back away Charlie Sheen slowly.

    Beesus recently posted Chicken From Hell.

  96. I’m beginning to think that Charlie Sheen has been coming up with his rants based on a Mad Lib. I mean, what you wrote make as much sense (if not MORE sense) than what he’s been saying.

    M. recently posted Please refrain from hitting on my husbandk Thanks.

  97. “I am on a drug. It’s called Megan. If you try it once, you will squash. Your toenail will melt off, and your cousins will smooch over your stabbed body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not snarky—a total freaking fancy dancer from Pluto. I’ve got strawberry tree frog blood, Hermes DNA! … They picked a fight with a manticore. They’re trying to take all my plows and leave me with no means to rub my family. It’s not parapsychology! They owe me an apology while fucking my eyebrow … I don’t think people are ready for the chocolate I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of morose love. I exposed feet to magic! Here’s your saliva test. Next one goes in your nostril!”

  98. […] the Sheen Dream – thanks Karen!, Stark-Raving Mad Libs – thanks The Bloggess, Sheen Family Circus… oh and Charlie is on Twitter in case you haven’t […]

  99. Well, at the very least, Sheen has shown us he can be creative with the spoken word. It’s always such a joy to watch these celebutards flame out like a shooting star. It’s like “Chupacabra!”
    “Awww look at the pretty colors….”

    Dangerboy recently posted Post Oscar Blowout.

  100. F-ing brilliant. I LOVE THIS.

    “I am on a drug. It’s called Amanda. If you try it once, you will thrash. Your toenail will melt off, and your mama will dunk over your killed body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not tootin’—a total freaking supermodel from Venus. I’ve got tiger blood, Ares DNA! … They picked a fight with a poltergeist. They’re trying to take all my cats and leave me with no means to run my family. It’s not ornithology! They owe me an apology while porking my lips … I don’t think people are ready for the hair I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of sorry-ass love. I exposed statuettes to magic! Here’s your spit test. Next one goes in your ear!”

  101. God I should be cleaning the house but this is too much fun.

    “I am on a drug. It’s called Ericka. If you try it once, you will purge. Your pinkie toe will melt off, and your Cuzins will fly over your clubbed body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not delishious—a total freaking zipper salesman from saturn. I’ve got cocky owl blood, de Zeus DNA! … They picked a fight with a Oompa Loompa. They’re trying to take all my Peeps and leave me with no means to drive my family. It’s not molecular biology! They owe me an apology while smelling my elbow joint … I don’t think people are ready for the auto I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of disgusting love. I exposed cats to magic! Here’s your spit test. Next one goes in your tiny skin pores!”

    Ericka recently posted gimmee tech news- not about some guy Ives moving- sez theipadkids.

  102. I have been waiting to say this forever and for some reason “Charlie Sheen would never put up with this shit.” is the line that put me over the edge….I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!!!! You make me laugh so much it is completely impossible not to be in love with you and I mean that in the most “non-gay” way possible!!! xo <3

  103. It was only the Texas panhandle on fire Sunday. 110,000 acres of it, which is really only a little bit. And since the Panhandle isn’t really acknowledged as being part of Texas by the rest of the state (what? I’m not bitter.) it’s like it never really happened at all. No need for anyone to worry. We’ve thrown some water on ourselves and basically gotten ourselves under control.

  104. Wowza, that made me laugh. And I needed it since I am currently being villified for making fun of Kirk Douglas which is a totally erroneous accusation.

    And my favorite Charlie Sheen quote” “I have a disease? Bullshit! I cured it with my brain!”

    Susan recently posted My Review of the Oscars-or-High on Cold Meds- I Can Still Be Mean Thank God.

  105. Wait…
    Your sister checked her voicemail… and RESPONDED to it!

    Is the world ending? Apparently I don’t know anything that’s going on either. I didn’t even notice the moon turning to blood.

  106. “I am on a drug. It’s called steph gas. If you try it once, you will curbstomping. Your trachea will melt off, and your aunt will bathe over your hacksawed body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special—a total freaking personal masturbator from io. I’ve got kimodo dragon blood, hades DNA! … They picked a fight with a liger. They’re trying to take all my squirtbottles and leave me with no means to pluck my family. It’s not logic! They owe me an apology while titillating my calf … I don’t think people are ready for the calculator I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of poisonous love. I exposed douches to magic! Here’s your bile test. Next one goes in your belly button!”

    ALSO. thor is a norse god, not greek. just like fyi. <3

    steph gas recently posted asking you for money.

  107. I did one, and it was good, but one line almost had hot chocolate coming out of my nose when I read it…

    “They owe me an apology while fellating my foot ”

    Still giggling!!!

    Beth recently posted Blueberry bran muffins can be easy as 1- 2- 3.

  108. I love this, too much fun!

    “I am on a drug. It’s called Tara. If you try it once, you will incinerate. Your arms will melt off, and your children will defecate over your swollen body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not frostilicious—a total freaking lead zombie from Mars. I’ve got penguin blood, Zeus DNA! … They picked a fight with a griffin. They’re trying to take all my spaghetti and leave me with no means to bite my family. It’s not rape kit analysis! They owe me an apology while snorting my back hair … I don’t think people are ready for the carpet I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of flesh-eating love. I exposed lobsters to magic! Here’s your spunk test. Next one goes in your ear!”

    Tara recently posted The road less traveled.

  109. Speechless. That was awesome.

    Brooke Farmer recently posted Wow Actually the worst date Ive ever been on.

  110. I just have to say I adore you. Going through a rough patch right now but you make me pee my pants just a little every time you post something….well…almost every time. Thanks! That was funny and I so want to do that to someone now. I think it would destress me!

  111. Thanks, Carrie! Use it as often as you like. My wife thinks my safe word, “scuttlebutt,” is stupid. I may have to change it to “chupacabra.” Or “chulupa.”

    Dan Burt recently posted Captain Canard presents Fun Hatch.

  112. I heard him on Howard Stern and he was completely freaking LUCID and NORMAL. He can either turn it on and off or he’s so crazy he’s just cycling from manic to sane all day long. Cheepers.

    thatgirlblogs recently posted New Action Set- MCP Fusion.

  113. Not keeping up with what is going on in the world?! Charlie Sheen epitomizes what is going on in the world right now.

  114. I hope Charlie Sheen lives forever.

    Pablo recently posted Blood Test Reveals Charlie Sheen’s Tiger Composition.

  115. OMG, one line of mine has me dying…

    I exposed bottles of lotion to magic!

    LMAO, I bet you have Charlie, I bet you have…

    Nicole recently posted Seviche.

  116. I just had a thought. A scary thought. You ready for this?

    What if Charlie Sheen had a blog? Could you imagine?

  117. “I exposed badgers to magic.” OMG I have to work this into every conversation I’ll ever have!!!

  118. Awesomeness! Sheen Madlibs! Brilliant!

    Trish recently posted You Can’t Process Me with a Normal Brain.

  119. 119
    physicsmom

    Awesome! I love Mad Libs. Charlie is the subject of every conversation in real life and on the internetz. He didn’t need his pubicity flak; he is doing it all on his own. Can we turn him off now?
    P.S. I love Moooooog35. Sarah Palin – ha!

  120. I have somehow managed to miss the fact that Texas was on fire and that Charlie Sheen was imploding. It’s like I’m Amish.

    Suniverse recently posted Parenting.

  121. Jenny, I don’t think I have told you lately…but…I.Fuckin.Looooooove.You…

    Theresa recently posted Give ya nothin- take ya no place- treat ya like a dog when ya get there.

  122. Wow! I don’t know what you’ve started but I could this all day:

    “I am on a drug. It’s called Lala. If you try it once, you will stab. Your aorta will melt off, and your grandmother will vomit over your masacred body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not Nazi—a total freaking Model from Pluto. I’ve got giraffe blood, Zeus DNA! … They picked a fight with a Fairy. They’re trying to take all my tigers and leave me with no means to slapping my family. It’s not chemistry! They owe me an apology while fisting my labia … I don’t think people are ready for the flag I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of atrocious love. I exposed Maggots to magic! Here’s your pus test. Next one goes in your pelvis!”

  123. 123
    fancyfeet

    Maybe you could get your new favorite phrase made into a subversive cross-stitch sampler: http://subversivecrossstitch.bigcartel.com/product/pdf-charlie-sheen-is-a-drug

  124. So Florida is on fire too – so I send my friend a text telling her my husband won’t be able to catch his plane to BFE Michigan because he can’t get around the fires in time. She said “there’s a fire”? I replied “yes, and the earth is round.” You know why I said that? BECAUSE FUCKING FLORIDA IS ALWAYS ON FIRE SOMEWHERE!!!!

  125. […] I almost peed  my pants.  As seen on SubWOW via The Bloggess: […]

  126. Yeah, I thought having the internet on my phone would for sure help me to actually keep up with the world. Instead I’m just more knowledgeable about celebrity gossip than I ever dreamed possible. But really. Why would I want to read about natural disasters when I could instead discover all the benefits of Charlie Sheen’s tiger blood and life full of AWESOME?

    Lacie recently posted Some Men Are Just Lucky.

  127. “Women are not to be hit. They’re to be hugged and caressed … She was attacking me, though, with a small fork — like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her; that was the weird part. What was she doing with, like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet.” – Charlie Sheen.

    I never really liked him before all this shit. I compiled a whole list of his golden words of wisdom. BOOM. Print that.

    CatZila recently posted Bipolar No- Im Bi-Winning.

  128. 128
    badfriend3

    Texas is a big state. You used to be a country.

    And I’m involved in an online Hetalia role play as the country of France on Facebook. Tonight someone RPing America actually owes me an apology while caressing my testicle because he kicked me in it early.

    (Idiot nation! I prefer Texas, even burning!) GAH! Kicks France-muse to the curb and tells him he’s had enough for one night, to go away and drink wine or something…..

    (Texas WAS a country, like my good friend PRUSSIA! Texas will live AGAIN!!)

    Blame the earthquake in New Zealand.

  129. 129
    Heather Greywolf

    OMG, I love you, Jenny.

  130. 130
    Heather Greywolf

    Oh … and according to MY mad-lib, “They owe me an apology while fisting my uvula”.
    Excellent.

  131. I have not fun witted come back to this one. I’m laughing to hard to think clearly. Nothing new I know.

    I must try the mad lib site!! <3

  132. “I am on a drug. It’s called Emily Claire Motherfucking Suhrheinrich. If you try it once, you will thrash. Your vagina will melt off, and your aunties will blow over your torn body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not mavericky—a total freaking stylist to the stars from Pluto?. I’ve got doormouse blood, Adonis DNA! … They picked a fight with a unicorn-gryphon hybrid. They’re trying to take all my fist dildos and leave me with no means to clean my family. It’s not Atom Splitting! They owe me an apology while twatwaffling my left elbow … I don’t think people are ready for the porch swing I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of chlamedia-esque love. I exposed traveling tiger zoos to magic! Here’s your semen, of course test. Next one goes in your vagina hole!”

    The reason it says Pluto?. is because I entered “Pluto?” because I know BLAH BLAH BLAH it’s not a planet anymore but I don’t think you can CHANGE THE LAWS OF SCIENCE LIKE THAT, SCIENCE PEOPLE.

  133. I am on a drug. It’s called Faith. If you try it once, you will punch. Your face will melt off, and your sister will fuck over your kiss body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not fatal—a total freaking anus waxer from pluto. I’ve got boar blood, zeus DNA! … They picked a fight with a psychedelic unicorn. They’re trying to take all my christians and leave me with no means to marry my family. It’s not theology! They owe me an apology while blowing my lips … I don’t think people are ready for the foot I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of unholy love. I exposed feet to magic! Here’s your semen test. Next one goes in your vagina!

  134. 134
    Carol-Anne McMillan

    Just in case y’all haven’t seen this yet…I would definitely call this a “win” for him. Talk about pulling it out of the dumper…

    http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/bfb12aea47/charlie-sheen-s-winning-recipes?playlist=featured_videos

  135. […] take of the air for way too long while this guy wasted himself. He was even mentioned on the Bloggess, there was no escaping this guy. If I googled this guy for 2 seconds I’d probably know who he […]

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