I’d also want him to shoot me in the face for the good of humanity. It’s not *all* vanity, people.

in conversations, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap, stuff better left unpublished

Conversation I had this morning with my husband:

Victor: What are you doing?

me: I’m photo-shopping my picture to see what I’ll look like when I get turned into a werewolf.

Victor: *sigh*

me: I mean “if”.  If I get turned into a werewolf.  Turns out? Not such a bad look for me.  Way better than zombie-me.  Which is sort of surprising because I made zombie-me slightly emaciated and I thought I’d look better because I’d finally lose some weight but it’s sort of the least flattering look.  Which is why I’m gonna need you to shoot me in the face when I get turned into a zombie.

Victor: You want me to shoot you in the face when you get turned into a zombie…because you have self-esteem issues?

me: See, it sounds stupid when you say it.  Ooh! You know which look I can totally pull off though?  Mentally unhinged manic-depressive vampire crying tears of blood.

Victor: You planning on getting any real work done today?

me: This is part of my real work. It’s how I unwind between projects.  This what I do instead of heroin.

Victor: THIS IS WHY YOU CAN’T MEET YOUR DEADLINES.

me: THIS IS WHY I MADE THEM PUT A DOOR ON MY OFFICE.

Victor: YOUR DOOR IS WIDE-ASS-OPEN.

me: WELL, IT’S IMPLIED THAT IT’S CLOSED.

Victor: DOORS CAN’T IMPLY ANYTHING.

me: MY DOOR IS CLOSED TO EVERYONE WHO DOESN’T APPRECIATE HOW HARD IT IS TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK LIKE A WEREWOLF EVEN WHEN YOU DO HAVE PRESSING DEADLINES.

Then Victor went off on a rant about how this is the exact reason why I shouldn’t work from home and I agree but probably for different reasons.

I can’t be the only person who does this.

PS.  Original picture by my sweet friend Karen Walrond who probably does not appreciate this travesty one bit.

168 thoughts on “I’d also want him to shoot me in the face for the good of humanity. It’s not *all* vanity, people.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. What the deuce is the 3rd picture? Poltergeist? If I was as good at photoshop as you were, I would most definitely be doing this all day long with a door that implies ‘if you can’t handle my awesomeness please fuck off.”

  3. Is that third one Spectral Jenny Communicating with the Dead, or Demonically Possessed Jenny Channeling Linda Blair?

    This is why you need captions.

    Or readers who are less OCD about such things.

    You know…either way.

  4. Victor obviously doesn’t appreciate the toil of neglecting your actual job.

    *goes back to drawing robots with retracting genitals

    **waves as boss walks by

  5. The werewolf one is cute, you look like a puppygirl or something. What is the third one? are you haunted?

  7. OMG, you made my morning. But, you do that a lot. It generally happens as I’m not writing. See what you do to me?! <3 u anyway!

  9. 1. Manic-depressive vampire crying tears of blood.
    2. Happy zombie (day 4)
    3. Active haunting/possible astral projection.
    4. Attacked by werewolf. Infection setting in.
    5. First 15 seconds of the full moon.

  10. You have Joker cheeks. just saying. Shop yourself as The Joker. From Batman. Do it.

  12. If I had Photoshop skills and a picture of myself where I don’t look crosseyed and sad I would totally be doing this at work.

    which would probably get me fired.

    so I’m thinking its not a BAD thing I can’t do this just, you know… disappointing. For me.

    Not so much anyone else now that I think about it.

  14. A) I am so jealous of your photoshop skills. You’re a really hot werewolf. But it’s a good thing you didn’t show the back hair. Back hair = not sexy.

    B) I vote you replace your current door with a glass door. Then next time Victor wanders in uninvited, he splats into the glass door like that time my friend’s sister tried to walk through a glass wall to exit Claires and broke several teeth. We’ll see who’s laughing when he has to gum his food…

  15. I TOTALLY do junk like this in my spare time. I just wish I had better photos of me. I have to do pencil sketches instead. You really should do a steam-punk cyborg picture of you. You already got the tophat, right?

  16. Look, lady. You need to stop sneaking around listening to the conversations I have with my husband.

    What happens if you turn into a vampire zombie werewolf? There’s no point in even trying to get any real work done today.

  17. Here’s how sick I am: I don’t do this but wish I did, because it sounds like a pretty great way to spend the morning. Signed, the girl who will spend the rest of the day wondering what she would look like as a werewolf.

  19. I dig on the werewolf, and what a lot of money we could all save on waxing with such a look. Glad to find you, I have come across your name several times in my blog travels of late. I also work (or don’t at times) work from home, so I can fully appreciate how researching for inane bullshit (Like Neil Diamond’s real name) can completely overwhelm my actual to-do list. And any housework. And laundry. And making dinner.

    I haven’t actually been in my office for a while now. And, there is no door on the couch.

    The Onion
    http://www.alotoflayers.blogspot.com

  20. Totally normal and actually a really smart thing to do. I mean, what if you turn into a werewolf? Then you can be all, “You should have paid closer attention to my photoshopped pictures, then this wouldn’t be such a shock. Please stop with the screaming and the running away.”

  21. The canines definitely need to be longer. Also suggest more hair on the chin and chest, and back of hands. Try making the finger nails into claws. You have the happy manic look down. Showing up looking like that would make me shit in my pants.

  22. I’ve never done that to my photos, before NOW. Going forward, however… things will be different.

  23. I’m going to sound like a lemming here – but I too admire your mad Photo Shop skills. I have a Mac version on my computer and haven’t even tried to learn how to use. What a wimp. Now motivated to open it up and attempt a Zombie look myself. This blog is SOOOO inspirational!

  24. Everything around me implies my awesomeness. Open doors, unmade beds, whatever. I can’t help it if other people don’t recognize it. I think it’s caused by their comparative lack of awesomeness. Totally not my fault. – I bet you understand that, you know, because you’re awesome. We will have to stick together on such issues.

  25. I like the one where the infection is setting in. I just *see* the evil starting to come up behind your eyes. And it took me a few looks to realize the last one has werewolf ears. Yeah, I’m swift like that.

  26. I need a monster makeover.
    Sadly, I already have the fangs for it. Ask Karen. She shot me, too. With a camera, I mean. Not in the face with a gun. Although, given a second chance, who knows what she’d do?

  27. No, you’re definitely not the only one who spends your time this way. I prefer though to distort pictures of those who’ve pissed me off most recently. It’s quite gratifying actually. The liquify tool is my favorite!

  28. Haha! “This is what I do instead of heroin.” … That’s kind of my reasoning behind eating cake. You tell Victor it could be so much worse. Photo- shopping hardly adds junk to the trunk 🙂

  29. Love the active haunting pic!

    I feel Victor may be jealous that he doesn’t have pictures of himself and a zombie or werewolf. Be more sensitive to his needs and make him a sexy ghost wearing an awesome fedora!!

  30. The werewolf within 15 minutes of the full moon is my favorite, for sure. The vampire one is pretty good too, though.

  31. uh…Jenny…don’t look now, but I think that Mary, or Mother Theresa or someone is haunting you in that 3rd picture….that’s kinda scary.

  32. Well…motherfucker…you already addressed it…shit. NEVERMIND!!!!!!!! And you’d make a totally fucking HAWT Vampire…and I mean that in the most heterosexual way, of course….not that there’s anything wrong with that, and if I swung that way…I’d totally put the moves on you…but then Victor would probably get all stabby at me and we can’t have a stabbed up Carm walking around…and I say WALKING AROUND because I’d obviously be a member of the UNDEAD if I was still walking around after getting stabbed like crazy from your hubs. OBVIOUSLY!

  33. I like to photoshop myself in various sexual positions with my dentist to desensitize myself from the horror of a root canal. But I find it makes the situation awkward for him if you bring them with you to your appointment. But hey…I think we should BOTH be uncomfortable during my root canal. Not just me. He does draw the line when it comes to me taping it to the light thing that he hovers over my face…so I tape it to his forehead instead.

  34. The first one is deffinitely the best of them. You should make it into your permanent profile or something.

  35. Glad to see pic 4 starts the hair around the eyes, just think if it started with a werewolf stach, people might not realize you are turning and think you just forgot to wax your stach.

  36. Honestly? This morning I had a conversation about the merits of shooting a person with a Crossbow versus a Combine bow. So no, you’re not the only one who has conversations like that. It’s just that you, and me, admit to it.

    You look hella good with facial hair.

    Me…not so much. And I’ve never met a Zombie I liked…YET!

  37. oh God, now I’m thinking about which picture I can upload into Photoshop so I can try to turn myself into an OCD zombie .. wait, can zombies be OCD??!! Okay, maybe an OCD vampire queen — I KNOW queens are OCD!

  38. Busted! Instead of working on articles for a quickly approaching deadline, I’ve spent the morning giving myself 80’s makeup in Photoshop. Gotta say, I look pretty bitchin’ though.

  39. Victor really needs to take a chill pill. Deadlines are for wussies.

    Besides doing all that photoshopping..really looks like a lot of work to me. Priorities, Victor, priorities.

  40. Added to celebrity PR pitch countermeasures:
    – High Res picture of Jenny in the first fifteen seconds of a full moon after having been infected with lycanthropy. …with a flower.
    – High Res picture of Jenny in an undead state (slightly emaciated) mere moments before Victor shoots her in the face (for sympathetic vanity reasons). …with a flower.

  41. I actually think you look really cute as a zombie…. But my eyeballs are made of anorexia, so my opinion totally doesn’t count.
    On a happy note, if I were a zombie I would never eat babies because they’re super fatty.

  42. Some people work better under pressure. And a far off deadline doesn’t yield much pressure, now, does it? So really, this is absolute professionalism. If you were working, you wouldn’t be doing your best work.

    I don’t do this to my face, by the way, but my bearded dragon has Godzilla-ed most of the cities I have found on the interwebs.

  43. I’m liking the happy zombie pic. It kind of says “These brains taste awesome”.

    Of course, it would be funnier with profanity. “These brains taste fucking awesome!”

  44. I also think you should photoshop yourself as a unicorn, in case they win against the zombies and you have to live among them in disguise.

  45. You need to add a trampy/vampy low cut top to your vampire look. Aren’t all vampires blood sucking whores? 🙂

  46. I agree, I think you’d make a kick-ass manic depressive vampire! Self-defeating time wastage is only misunderstood by those not being medicated for the condition (losers!). I was going to tweet earlier in the week that I was listening to ‘Raise Your Glass’ by Pink and it made me think of you BUT I didn’t think anyone would understand. After reading this post – Yeah, I think they’ll get it (HA HA HA)

    ‘Raise your glass, if you are wrong
    In all the right ways
    All my underdogs, we will never be, never be
    Anything but loud
    And nitty gritty, dirty little freaks!’

    …Or maybe it’s still just me, ah well, love you anyway Bloggess BECAUSE of your weirdness and not despite of it.

  47. –>I think you should change out the flower for a bone. Then you’ll set the tone to other werewolves that you don’t mess around.

  48. I’d probably do it if I had any pictures of myself where I didn’t ALREADY look like a zombie. I’m totally saving myself a buttload of time and I never realized it. Yet another thing to be thankful for.

  49. Making those pictures was totally real work. The only alternative to real work is imaginary work, where you only THINK about doing things. Way to be proactive, you go-getter, you!

  51. I can’t decide if I like you better as Manic-depressive vampire crying tears of blood or First 15 seconds of the full moon. But you’ve got some serious skills.

  53. Old Catskills Werewolf joke: I once dated a werewolf. She was very nice, but in bed, she made me itchy.

  54. I wish my wife let me keep my door on my office… like… at all.

    You should totally get a huge poster print of those pictures and do it up all Warhol style.

  55. Totally awesome! If I could find the time to learn photoshop, I would be doing this to photos of myself, husband and kids–totally ignoring all pressing deadlines (like I am now) and I would leave the door open and hand a bottle of tequila and a shot class over the door for people to use before they entered the den of awesome.

  57. If you have a choice? Stick with the vampire look. Vampires are sexy and they have fun hunting and torturing their prey. They also have a wicked sense of style. Zombies do not have fun. They look miserable…and the smell of rotting flesh is gross. And they can’t accessorize worth shit. I don’t think being a werewolf seems worthwhile either. First of all it always looks like the transformation hurts like hell. I hate pain. And then you’re really nothing more than an overgrown dog. Not very GLAM. I never thought much about being a ghost. Although now that I think about it, what would you do all day? Hanging around slamming doors and creating cold breezes seems pretty dull to me. Anyhow, that’s my take on your project. Hope it helped.

  60. Why are zombies happy on day 4? I tmeotally agree with Rachel about the glass door. It would never get old. Except that you’d probably feel compelled to keep it really clean so that it was invisible, and you’d end up spending your not-taking-heroin time cleaning the door instead of on photoshop. It’s a hard one.

  61. I guarantee that the only reason I am able to keep a job, pay my bills, maintain personal relationships and an active sex life is because I do not know how to use photoshop.

    The mind reels at all the stuff I could make Gary Busey do if only I were able to master photoshop.

  62. I had BIG PLANS to get some shit done today. Now I’m wasting all my time photoshopping myself into random shit. Now I need a magical door of implication.

  63. I think you look like someone from A Clockwork Orange in the first picture but in a really hot sexy way. Now we just need to photoshop you on a giant penis sculpture. Except mine is otherwise occupado. Which I am guessing that since mine is used you probably want nothing to do with it. So this whole comment is really just a terrible idea.

    You look hot.

    In all of the them.

    And now maybe I am a creepy stalker.

    Oh well. C’est La Vie.

  64. Avoiding work is an art. Victor is just jealous.

    I, myself, am good enough at it that I have been able to successfully convince my family that socks are stupid and unnecessary.

    One must do what onemust do when there are four back-to-back episodes of Cash Cab on.

  67. Doors can imply a lot:
    Slightly ajar- “Come in if you have beer.” or “Stay out if you are lame or are planning on asking me hard questions.”
    Open- “I don’t like feeling trapped in a room and need to be able to flee quickly (without fumbling with doorknobs) in case of a zombie attack.”
    Closed- “I’m sleeping and I don’t want to hear the cat/dog licking itself.”

    I understand that deadline thing- we need our privacy to be productive, which is why, while the kids are napping, I am reading this instead of cleaning my house.

  70. I once photoshopped the super-awesome 80s school photo laser background into my professional photo. I’m seriously considering using it on my LinkedIn profile.

    I’d go vampire if I were you. Very sexy.

  73. I vote for vampire with tears of blood, defintely… Tell Victor that maybe he needs to close HIS door… 😉

  74. I think that must be the manic state of manic depressive vampire. You should do a depressed vanpire, too. I think it may be slightly scarier. This one does look rather joker-eqsue

  76. I spend waaaaaaaaay too much time alone with Picnik. As soon as our tax return comes in I am expecting a sigh of resignation from my own husband when I “suddenly” decide I need real photoshop.

  77. How is honing your photo shop skills not work related? Seems to me he’s the one wandering around and you are the one working diligently at furthering your career through practice & education. Clearly Victor needs to lay off the morphine cart!

    PS – I will take the cart off your hands if he’s done with it!

  78. i LIKE THE THIRD PICTURE IT’S LOOKS KINDA CREEPY…IF I WERE THIS GOOD IN PHOTOSHOP I’D NEVER GET ANYTHING DONE!!!

  79. There is an app for that….really its called zombie booth or something so you can’t be the only one doing it if they made it into an app 🙂

  80. my keyboard is a ditz or maybe it’s me no it’s definetly the keyboard …i’m totally not screaming at you i’d never do that !!! love ur blog and like I said I love the third picture!!! you can just delete the first post…lol

  81. One might think that Victor doesn’t see you as do we.

    I adore these photos, I’m a bit pouty that you manage to look fabulous in all of them while I look like I’ve had a run-on with a rabid lawnmower in even the best of mine.

  82. Victor must need more morphine. He needs to calm the fuck down. He obviously does not understand/has no appreciation for the creative process. Thank god my husband is too afraid I’ll cover his face with a pillow while he sleeps to make critical remarks about my relaxation habits. Because I need a lot of relaxation.

    You are a totally sassy werewolf. I vote werewolf. Vampires and zombies are done to death (believe me, pun NOT intended!). The world needs more girl werewolves. Now that I think of it, I don’t even know of any girl werewolves. Stupid chauvinist asshole werewolves, trying to keep women out of their exclusive boys only werewolf clubs. You’ll show them!

  83. Dude, I always turn to zombiefying pictures of myself when I have looming deadlines. What else is a girl to do? The best online tool for it is at ZombieConnect.com, which is totally a dating site for zombies. I shit you not. You don’t have to sign up to do a picture, but every time I’m on there fucking around with the zombie creator, I think about it. I’m saving it for the day I truly hit rock bottom.

    Braaaaaaains: http://www.aftergraduation.net/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/allison-zombie-2.jpg

    I know what I’m doing for the next hour and a half.

    Also, I’m totally not a spammy promoter for Zombie Connect or anything. I just appreciate them as the best zombie creation tool out there. Which probably makes me really sad because I’ve actually sat down to compare zombie creator tools.

    This is rock bottom, isn’t it?

  86. Doesn’t Victor understand that the creative process is happening all the while you are ‘procrastinating’? He’s such a philistine. He’d better hope the zombie and/or werewolf apocalypse gives him a chance to prove his worth, because he’s kind of a downer, frankly.

  87. The reflection in the background of picture three is probably the most hilarious thing I’ve seen all year and I DON’T KNOW WHY! (I need therapy).

    I think you make a most fetching werewolf. Better than a zombie. Is there any way you could combine them both and become some kind of world-dominating, child-scaring, gumball-dispensing Zomwolf? (<— I used to have one of those as a pet. It ate my mother.)

  88. I kinda like the hairy you… in a non rudie kinda way of course! That look definitely works for you.

  89. ALL good looks for you.
    I’d like to see these become options at the DMV when we do our driver’s license photos.

  90. I’m sorry, but isn’t it your job to be The Bloggess? Responsibilities of which include writing this blog? And then you used said “wasted time” photoshop images on this blog? How does this mean you were not working? Wth, Victor?

    Also, if Jodee (#77) ever offers an online class in How to Make Your Husband Too Afraid that You Will Cover His Face with a Pillow While He Sleeps to Make Critical Remarks About Your Relaxation Habits Because You Need a Lot of Relaxation I’m going to take it. That would rock as hard as Werewolf Bloggess.

    Also also, sorry for all the questions in the first paragraph. I’ve never done that before and am kind of amazed at myself.

    Also also also, CommentLuv rocks, but I haven’t posted in so long that I’m embarrassed. That’s not love, CommentLuv, it’s just guilt.

  91. The werewolf looks awesome! Too awesome. Is this whole post just to keep us from finding out the realy circumstances that led to Victor’s arm being part machine now?!

  92. In the second photo down, you kind of look like the chimney sweep in Mary Poppins. Only a murderous, slightly psychotic version.

  95. If all these damn zombie apolcalypse dreams I’ve been having are any indication, me and my offspring will survive. No one will have to worry about shooting ME in the head. And my two year-old? He will totally blow you to pieces with his miniature sawed-off shotgun.

  98. I have a door to my office, and when it’s closed, husband assumes I’m taking a nap, which I never do in my office during the day, because I have a bedroom for that. I have a recliner chair in my office because I had him put one in here to sleep in when I was sick so he wouldn’t get sick, which is totally selfless of me, since he gave me the cold in the first damn place. I’ve been over the cold for a month now, but the recliner is still in here because he hasn’t taken it out, so just because he’s going to assume so anyway, I’m going to close the door and take a nap. That’ll teach him.

  103. I do not have any lovely and glamorous photos of myself that would lend themselves to such shenanigans. I’d have to live with adding blood smears and hairy patches to blurry motion shots of myself, slackjawed and holding a drink at some party. Like the respectable old lady I am.

  104. I don’t think your husband realizes how selfless it is for you to cover your bases when it comes to handling zombification.

    Everyone’s making comments about how adorable you look (and you do), but still… ZOMBIE! It’s not like you’d necessarily understand that you were decomposing and your attractiveness would alter as you decay. If Victor is not willing to be selfless enough to take the role of justicar, you should probably make a pack with an effeminate male friend that still has the upper arm strength to wield both an axe and a firearm. He won’t be afraid to tell you that death isn’t a good color for you and he’d be willing to do it.

  105. I’ve been thinking about this while not taking a nap: Werewolf is the way to go, because one day a month you have a great excuse for being totally bitchy, and if someone says anything about it, you can literally rip their head off. Bonus.

  106. #1 looks like you are a mime with Ebola. That’s what you were going for right?

  107. So…Victor stays with you cause you’re hot? My hubby stays with me because I’m hot (or scared…) I think I’m funny…but turns out I’m more of an asshole…Asshole = Funny , Right?

    I’m diggin’ the werewolf look. You will be the only person prepared for when that happens…

  111. good lord. as i am in Australia, by the time i get here, all the good comments are taken. i have been reduced to just spouting random Aussie slang instead of being clever. everyone likes Australians.
    g’day. crikey. blokes and sheilas. derro westie zombie went troppo when i nicked his tinnies. yer right, mate. chuggers.

  112. Victor needs to push the button again on that morphine pump. He’s obviously in too much pain to realize the sheer brilliance of all of this! Or maybe you just need photoshop him as a werewolf.. then he would get it!!

  113. Stuff throughout my house *implies* meaning to Hubby all the time.

    The coffee table implies “Get your effing stumpy feet off me, you douche canoe”
    The laundry hamper implies “C’mon, man, I’m RIGHT HERE. Use me for ONCE. Please. Seriously.”
    The toilet implies “Even *I* know I’m disgusting. Do something about that,would you?”

  114. Doors can’t imply, but people can infer, Victor. Way to blame the inanimate. And Jenny, your werewolf picture is really making me regret all that money I spent on laser hair removal. Turns out the hirsute are kinda hot.

  115. Hey Moonemperor, if that *is* your real name: bob’s your uncle. As for you, Jenny, am thinking werewolf look obviates need for Confidence Wig?

  116. I am going with the werewolf one…the best. However, I fear the transformation might be painful. But if nothing else you can turn Victor at the same time and proclaim, “I told you so.” It counts as a win for you.

  117. I couldn’t use Photoshop if Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom were the prizes at the end of me figuring it out. Zombie Jenny is my least favourite since my fear of zombies stems from watching “The Making of Thriller” in 2nd grade. Huz and I have an agreement that, in case of Zombie Apocalypse, he has permission to shoot me in the head and vice versa. Gotta tell ya, though, if he makes me watch one more college basketball game, I’m going to play a new game called “Zombie Apocalypse.”

  118. I spent all day editting pictures of myself. Sadly, I can’t afford Photoshop and the Paint program does horrible werewolf fur. Happily, it does do bright blue eyeshadow well. So now cool werewolf/zombie pics for me. I settled for Drag Queen. 🙁

    God, I need a real job.

  121. Dude, making a picture of your bad-ass self as a werewolf? There can’t be a deader line than that! (Other than “You’re the reason this chicken crossed the road”, of course.)

    ~EdT.

  124. I like the onset of an werewolf the best. Wish you could have made one for what you would look like if you were bitten by a werewolf under the Super Moon.

  125. Btw, congratulations for winning the Shorty Award for Politics!

    So whose cause will you be championing now? Since being a zombie actually does not make you look as good as you thought you would, are you abandoning their cause now and taking on speaking up for the werewolves? This is like X Men to me for some reason…

  126. You *do* make a pretty hot manic depressive vampire with blood tears dripping down your face.

    Just sayin’.

    By the way, if Victor ever divorces you AND I magically become a lesbian, I would totally date you.

  127. I’m glad I’m not the only one who fucks off when they are supposed to be working at home. My day is like: an hour for checking mail and bank crap, wandering around deciding what to have for lunch, work, check Facebook, work, check Facebook, watch a Lifetime movie, play Words with Friends (sundogkim, you all), work, take a nap.

  129. For sure I think the angsty blood from the eyes vampire is a good look for you. As for other people doing that, I don’t, but I do spend absurd amounts of time looking at other people’s pictures on Facebook. People I barely know. Okay, sometimes people I don’t know at all, while trying to piece together all the intimate details of their lives. But I’m a private investigator. No. No, I’m not. It sounded better that way, though, right?

  132. Why am I suddenly attracted to a werewolf!? I’m gonna go turn myself into a werewolf on photoshop now…no doubt I will just end looking like a hairier, uglier version of myself. I shall, however, try. If it is a success, I will be forced to upload it as a profile picture for as many dating agencies as I can find. Wonder what kind of response I get?

    hyperpringle.blogspot.com – A Comical Take On Life

  135. Okay, so I know it’s the “in” thing to love vampires and werewolves. I totally get it. But here’s the thing… I’m from Africa, and we believe in the Tokoloshe (tok-o-losh). He’s way, way cooler. He has a voracious sexual appetite and he’s had his way with women all over the continent. In fact, everyone (and I mean everyone) sleeps with their beds on bricks because he’s really short and it makes it impossible for him to jump onto the bed. I shit you not. He’s a cross between a zombie, poltergeist, and a gremlin. Nobody has ever seen a Tokoloshe and survived the experience (he’s *that* good), but apparently he looks like a baboon-like creature, with a bit of Steven-King-teddy-bear thrown in for good measure.

    You’re welcome.

  136. before I saw the photos, I wanted to respond to this “Mentally unhinged manic-depressive vampire crying tears of blood.” And tell you that gives me a female Tom Cruise as Lestat visual. This is not good, let teh vampire thing go!

    I am with William here on the Liza- Cabaret thing, except knowing your persona (as much as a newbie commenter can) I’d go all Clockwork Orange for comparison.
    But then Suniverse beat me too it, Well Played! What can i say, I’m bogged down with the flu today and lucky to be upright.

    Either way- seksi SEKSI halloween costume.

  137. Victor should be glad that you work from home just so he knows where the hell you are and what you are doing.

    Now that he has a steel plate in his arm you ever think of getting a really BIG magnet…

  139. No. No you are not the only person. I look pale & blood sucky as a vampire myself, which I took all of 4 hours doing while neglecting mundane tasks. Worth it? Yep!!!!

  140. Are you kidding? These shots are like cash in the bank.

    You aren’t the only one. I got in trouble last week, when I spent my “writing time” photo shopping a picture of Dorothy Hammill’s crotch and renaming it “DOROTHY HAMMELTOE”.

  141. Ummm…I could look like anyone of these photos any given day WITHOUT Photo Shop. This is exactly why I NEED Photo Shop.

  144. Victor sounds an awful lot like The Man. He’s all “What are you working on?” and I’m all *Alt+Tab* “Making millions, honey!”

    Crap, I think I hear him coming.

  145. Those are all good looks for you, actually. It must be very comforting to know that no matter what attacks you and turns you into something else, you will look great. When the time comes… I think if you could work it out to so that you turned into a werewolf, that would be the best way to go.

  147. OMG Jenny, you totally need to re-do this conversation with Cleverbot. It’s at Cleverbot.com. You will have hours of meaningless conversation with a computer and you will like it. You’re welcome.

  148. You are correct, it’s not such a bad look at all! Of course, I think normal, unmangled/slashed/undead you is the prettiest. :p

  150. Hmmm. Mainly, I quite like your renditions, but perhaps they could use a touch of misery to counter-balance the maniacally gleeful expression? Funny how a little eye-blood and/or forehead-gouges can turn a happy face into a crazy face 🙂

  151. Dude, the werewolf picture looks absolutely sexy! =D
    The grin’s impish and the rest looks like China! Start hanging around motorist bars from now (feeble TrueBlood reference =P).

  153. How is he going to shoot you in the face with a broken arm???? Is VIctor ambidexterous and you have been holding out on us?

  155. If you can blog about it, it totally counts as being productive. At least I hope so, because that’s how I’ve been defining it. Werewolf is a great look for you. Also it means people have to run both when there’s a full moon and when you’re feeling stabby, which puts you a step closer to world domination. Logic.

  157. Ha ha!! I so totally photoshop myself whenever I’m bored…
    Also when I’m not bored…
    Also when I have previously planned it on the train to work that morning and have spent the entire day imagining how awesome my evening is going to be when I finally get home and can access my computer.

  158. “Life is not a support-system for art. It’s the other way around” –Stephen King

    Sounds to me like Steve is on your side, ma chère…

  159. That first picture immediately made me think Clockwork Orange. You could be the female version if they ever remake it. Some people can’t appreciate how a creative mind works. 😉

  165. Yours have mildly higher production values than mine.. but I used to have a mild obsession with using mspaint to transform pictures of myself into frankenstein and/or devils.

  166. You should have replaced the flower with some meaty part of something freshly killed 😉

  167. I like the last one which totally looks like a black swan. Sorry, but it’s what it appears to me, didn’t mean to ruin up your day. There could a lot of careers waiting to be discovered on online jobs where you earn a lot from it but as well as you gain knowledge while working.

  168. I can totally understand the whole implication of the door being shut. I used to work with MB who we called Bob. We decided that when we asked her how to spell Bob, she would say, “I spell Bob M,B. The ‘M’ is silent and the ‘o’ is implied.”

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Happy 50th birthday to this absolute legend. I love you, mister.
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Personalizing stacks of books today and having lots of feelings. So many people send my books to others who are struggling. They ask me to write specific notes to their loved ones and the requests are so beautiful that I want to share them but I won’t bc it seems too personal. But just between you and me, if you’ve written something lovely to someone you love and I get to transcribe it for you I feel very lucky bc your words touch me as well. I am warmed by your fire.
Apparently two of my books were used without permission to train generative-AI systems. So, that sucks.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

Sarah Linn on Medium: Humorist or unstable person with an internet connection? You decide.

Uncommon Creatures Digital Portraits: Animal art inspired by Earth’s most magical creatures. Got your own beloved pet you’d like to memorialize? Have no fear… let me turn your fur-baby into a work of art.

Dark Matter Zine talks to authors, actors and artists in a free podcast available on all good podcasting platforms. Plus book reviews, book launches and more.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

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