Oh, awesome.

I really thought I had a post ready for today because I had one in my draft folder scheduled for today that was titled “MISSING” but I just opened it up to check it and there’s nothing there.  It’s totally blank.  I suspect it’s maybe an ironic practical joke that I decided to play on myself when I was drunk.

Nice one, me.  You totally got us.  Again. Please stop drinking.


It’s almost Sunday, so that means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up.

Let’s begin, shall we?:

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed in my shop (tentatively named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by my sweet friend Kevin who runs FreePrintable.net, which offers tons of free, printable templates and documents. And voodoo dolls and clip art and pictures of horses. Or print all out all of them and make the most surreal, free coloring book ever. Or print your own money. And then go to jail for using it to pay for ad spots. Seriously, Kevin…I *will* press charges. Get your shit together. PS. You can sign up for his updates here.

74 thoughts on “MISSING.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I think wordpress is fucking with us.

    Or Jesus cause we called him a Zombie.

    Cause I totally had a post scheduled to publish TOMORROW and it published like 2 minutes ago and now I look like an idiot for talking about today when clearly it is tomorrow or something. Way to ruin Easter WordPress.

  2. Might I also point out that the reddish stains on MY mug are from chianti because that’s just how I effing roll?

  3. I’ve got that painting, (well, I’ve got a $5 print of that painting) on my wall- I’m staring at it right now, and then staring back at my computer screen. Your face fits eerily well into it. And now, I’m never going to be able to look at the picture on my wall again without thinking of the Bloggess. I should be angry about this.

  4. Ah… the bloggess in my *FAVORITE* painting of ALL TIME! I should be mad but instead I am intrigued at how to get MY face into the painting… PSP here I come… Thanks for changing my Saturday plans, Jenny.

  5. I loved the evolutionary reasons for big butt love! I read that last week and sent it to all of my friends. Because education is important. The person who loved it most is a biology professor who will now be using it in her classes. Education FTW!

  6. I’m impressed that you actually write posts in advance at all. I have a few drafts in my folder but they’re ALL blank. I start them when I have a title in mind and then forget about them. Usually the title comes from something that’s pissing me off at the moment. Current blank drafts include: “Pick Up That Pile of Dirty Clothes or I Will Murder You in Your Sleep,” “I Want to Stab All the People on Dancing With the Stars,” and “The Woman Wearing the Caftan is the Devil and Must Be Stopped.”

    Are you sensing a theme?

    Also, I’ve just realized that I’ve been using my drafts folder as therapy. Good for me.

  7. Not too many people have the presence of mind to play practical jokes on themselves to be discovered at a later date. May I suggest time travel as a more reasonable alternative?

  8. The only draft I’ve got right now has no title and contains one word: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS and a picture of Giselle Bundchen. I dont’ remember when I wrote it, or what I was going to write about. Apparently, I have a thing for super model boobies. Which is… odd? But okay I guess. I mean, who doesn’t want that woman’s boobs?

  9. I would punch myself in the throat if I played such a joke on myself. You may be letting yourself get too big for yourself’s britches.

  10. I wonder if that *MISSING* post is some type of blog virus – I think I saw one of those in *my* draft folder, as well!

    Happy Easter Jenny!


  11. Oh, yes, I spent hours and hours reading #2 over and over again over the past week or so. It’s really been the highlight of my life.

  12. I read the Bad Parent quiz during my last 10 minutes at work, and I swear I nearly wet myself and/or got myself fired.

  13. I play tricks on myself like that all the time. Sometimes past me thinks it is funny to hide the car keys, or drink all the milk without adding any to the shopping list.

  14. Is that serisouly Victor’s arm?! Wow. Impressive. I know it sucks for him (feel better Victor!), but it’s still so effing COOL. He’s like a rock star from the future or something.

  15. Old ads (the vintage sex ads) are definitely my favorite ~ they’re so odd. It’s like… they TRY to hide behind the message of the ad, but do a horrible job about it.

  16. My husband thinks I’m crazy because I found the whole mug thing hysterical. Clearly there’s something wrong with him. Or I need to stop drinking.

  17. Hey, you may be #10 on the blogger list but they called you a “Lady.” I think that means you are next in line to be Queen of England. You can totally take Kate Middleton–she’s just a stick with hair at this point.

    Also, very important, did you know that your “sweet” buddy Kevin has a message that pops up on FreePrintables.net that knows I came from The Bloggess’s site? Yikes, man! He’s probably watching you surf eBay for werewolf elf figurines right now. Just sayin’.

  18. Douche Canoe?!??! How have I never heard you use this? Was this the first time?! OMG. I’m using it in every sentence for the rest of the day. Douche Canoe.

  19. Curiosity compels me to ask, JUST HOW DO YOU DECIDE ON THE RANDOM SHIT YOU GOOGLE?

    In other news, i didn’t need you to tell me i was a shit mother; my kids are old enough to tell me every damn day.

    Also, congrats on being a big blogger…that’s why your coattails are so sweet!
    Also, Victors arm looked pretty fucked up…that must have been a hell of a fall.
    Also, i have no other comments.

  20. I just happen to be watching BBCA’s Dr Who marathon today so Dalek porn really set nicely. Thank you.

  21. On the downside, Victor’s before picture looks like someone got to him with a cleaver. Upside, he’ll have a great story/major hassle every time he tries to pass through a metal detector. Congrats on being a top ten Blogger Jenny!

  22. That SAME exact thing happened to me. WordPress thinks they’re a bunch of fucking jokesters. Not cool. I had a ton scheduled last week. None posted and 1/2 were missing.

  23. I was kind of worried that you’d gotten yourself kidnapped or something and Victor came on your blog to tell us to watch out for you.

    I’m glad it’s not that.

  24. I totally love that the post titled “Missing” was, in fact, missing. You should definitely not stop drinking…your drinking creates true genius and makes me laugh. Bottoms up!

  25. That “Poison” mug would be the best to hand to my boss when they demand a coffee. I think an “Antidote” shot glass would add to the effect, maybe sell them as a set…

  26. Congrats on making that Rojish dude’s list! That list was pretty well-rounded and diverse…..he listed a few different bloggers from totally different niches.

  27. Dang, I just got the hell scared out of me. I thought by Victor’s comment in the Little House on the Prairie article that Dean Butler had died … All I could think was “NO!!!”

    Then I realized that he was talking about the real Almanzo Wilder.

    (Was I the only boy watching Little House on the Prairie and crushing on Manly?)

  28. Hi! So very very sorry about Victor’s arm and infections. Although, that x-ray is pretty badass. Terminator type badass. So then not so much sympathy, but congratulations are in order.

    It’s lovely that you provide these great links. I swear, over half the things I’ve found on the internet to amuse me daily are due to these wrap-up posts of yours. A couple of things – the top ten female blogger list guy – English is not the first language, no? And also – that Andy Sandberg cocaine video is backwards! Backwards! I’ve never seen that! Is that like a copyright thing? It’s not pirated if it’s not the real thing and it’s not the real thing since it’s backwards! Or is it more like backwards code or something?

    Wish I lived anywhere near Austin to go hear you curse! And also, before I go – big shout out for Steam Me Up, Kid. One of the more hilarious blogs ever in existence ever. Except for this one. Of course. xoxo

  29. “Missing” a blog post? LOL girl, I’d go stark raving mad if I had as many things going on as you do! I love you more than a pitcher of martini’s (almost) for posting the week in review, gives time impaired folks a chance to catch up and have a seriously needed laughter fix!

  30. I just visited Rojish’s blog where he gives a shout out to the top ‘female bloggers.’ He states:
    “Of course majority of the blogs in the blogosphere is owned by men ”

    Ugh, nice. Maybe its the PMS, but this really effing rubbed me the wrong way. Must get more pills.

    Here is my comment there, who knows if it will make it past moderation:

    Really? Of course? FYI:

    of course
    1. In the natural or expected order of things; naturally.
    2. Without any doubt; certainly.

    I find this statement, aside from being poorly written, very offense. We ‘female bloggers’ don’t need to be placated. Thanks anyway.

  31. Awesome Miss Ten…you should really be number one. Like Bo Derek and Mother Theresa only way better on both accounts.

    You rock the bloggy world!!!

  32. When it comes to fatassiness, I rule. Hard.
    The empire thanks you for your albeit teeny ass by comparison contribution. Today is officially renamed Aaster. Amen.
    p.s. My phone tried to correct A M E N to S E M E N. Stupid whore phone.

  33. I bet if you’d posted that blank drafted, you’d have gotten more comments than on any post you’ve ever written. Drunk You called. She wants Sober You to stop cockblocking her.

  34. So, I finally found the Godess of blog world!

    I like the picture a lot blogess and I read the links. You are super duper!

  35. I can’t think of a funny comment because I’m too excited that I made your weekly wrap-up. I guess I’m just… verklimt.

    *shuffle steps off stage right*

  36. I can appreciate your excitement over the wool. Just a note on Victors comment… Though you probably received a bag of wool, there are both hair and wool sheep breeds.

  37. when I shop at your shop could you entitle it “Eight kilos of uncut cocaine” – sounds so Miami Vice to me.

    I did nothing else “Butt” read No. 2, now its time to go back to everyone else’s comments and see who brought the clever!

  38. On the right hand side of the page with the “Poison” mug is a recommendation of this as one of several potential “Sentimental gifts for Mom!”. I’m not sure I like what I think the mug may possibly be implying, here. My mom is not a fan of 80’s music. I expect the mugs to know these things.

  39. You almost made me lose the last gasping tendrils of my sanity today. I’ve been studying for my Art History midterm for the last three hours and decided to browse your page for a quick brake. When I saw the picture of Klimt’s “The Kiss” on your page I started panicking. You see, that’s the exact same picture on the cover of the textbook I’ve been pouring over, so I assumed I had finally snapped and begun seeing my classwork everywhere. I was ready to give up all hope of carrying out a normal life when I realized that no, The Bloggess was able to trick me and herself in one day. You should get a medal for tricking yourself and others in a certain period of time. Quick, someone call the President and demand one.

  40. I’m going to have nightmares about that x-ray. And I don’t understand why there are a mess of screws just floating about in there. I don’t think I want you to explain it either.

  41. I collect poison bottles, some of which still have poison in them. I already frighten my co-workers (well, I did when I was still employed) and they wouldn’t accept coffee from me yet I still had to order all the lunches in. I think I need the coffee mug just to worry people even more.

  42. I am embarrassed at the amount of time I just spent looking at Cats Where They Don’t Belong.

    Particularly since I can just look at my own cats and notice they are ALWAYS where they don’t belong – i.e., in my space.

  43. I am dying over the zombie gnomes! I want to buy them and then sneak them into my mother’s gnome farm and wait to see how long it takes her to notice and freak out…

  44. I just purchased the zombie gnome ‘Legless Larry’ for my wife… Thank you Bloggess!!!!

  45. Re: “douche canoe” – You know, canoes are less vulvar-looking than, say, a kayak. But I suppose “douche kayak” comes out a little clunky.

  46. Blogess can you make your links come up in a separate window?
    I know, I’m a dork, and I have nothing witty to add like all your other comment leavers. But I wish I did.

    I don’t know how to do that but I do know that if you right-click on the link and select “open in a new window” that’ll work. ~Jenny

  47. So, turns out it’s super fun to write your blog when you’re drunk but also super fun to read your blog I’m drunk. And drunk is kind of an overstatement. It’s more of a wine and cheese night. A giggly night. Not a advil and gatorade night before a really bad morning.

  48. Just read a bunch of posts to my 10 year old.

    “The problem with seven year olds is they do not appreciate witty banter.”

    She now wants to know who Woody Banter is, and why no one appreciates him…

    Finally stopped laughing enough to post this comment.

    LOOOOOVE the blog, want a metal chicken. Better yet, go shopping with me – drunk shopping- and we’ll find a friend for Beyonce.

Leave a Reply