Well, that’s not flattering.

I’ve been a bit MIA this week, but today I logged onto the computer to find that my klout score is quite strong, and that I’ve become very influential…in the field of Satan.  Frankly, I didn’t even know that was an option.  It’s like finding out that I’m an accidental prodigy, and also that I’ve somehow lost my soul along the way.  I’m like the social media version of Faust.

PS.  A friend just pointed out that if you google “douche canoe”, my picture shows up in the image gallery 20 times.

This is almost exactly what I expected fame would feel like.

173 thoughts on “Well, that’s not flattering.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. At first I thought you should be flattered.
    Then I thought all of us bloggers should be afraid.
    Now I’m just wondering how to get my hands on some dark chocolate. Is it 5 o’clock yet?

  2. It was truly amazing – it was like scrolling through your personal photo album.

    Also? I’m not convinced with the whole Klout score. Mine says I am influenced by the Minnesota Twins. WTF? I’ve never even been to Minnesota and the only baseball reference I’d ever make would be a sexual innuendo, so really, I’m at a loss.

  3. Google’s about to crash from the number of people googling douche canoe to find your picture. You should feel like a proud mama.

  4. I bow down to you and your ability to use “I’m like the social media version of Faust” in a blog. I had to read Faust once for an advanced German class and it has served me no useful purpose in my life until today when I totally got your reference. You have given my German degree meaning!

  5. I just hope Satan isn’t going to parlay this into trying to get more followers.

  6. Friends with Satan! Awesome! My Klout is only 42 and it says I know all about life insurance…I have no idea how it got that idea. I’m a Baking and Pastry Student that moved from Alaska to DC. There are so many cooler things to know about then life insurance. Klout is WEIRD!

  7. Thanks. I just checked mine for the first time…Klout believes I’m influential about Justin Bieber, Ice Cream, Bacon and Camels (they forgot the toe). Nice to see such an accurate portrayal of myself on the interwebs. And is Bieber interchangeable with Satan? I like to think so.

  8. It could be worse, you could pop up when people google Bored-Out-Of-My-Fucking-Mind. It think there’s a slim chance in Hell (couldn’t help it) that’ll ever happen to you. Off to try out the new vibrator you recommended.

  9. SATAN??? Fuck I’ve been looking for you EVERYWHERE! YOU OWE ME MONEY man! The deal was I sold my soul for cash!

  10. Sounds like Victor better start treating someone with a little more respect. You should never get on the bad side of someone who has Satan’s ear.

  11. Hmm, Klout thinks I’m influential about Charlie Sheen, iPads, lizards and Duke University. I’d be more likely to have mentioned douche canoes, nuclear wolves and Satan than those four things.

  12. Being a “Thought Leader” sounds a little cultish. So basically, you are the glorious leader of a satanic cult. I am not sure how douche canoes fit into this, unless you have to sacrifice one every new moon. This sounds pretty awesome. Looking for new recruits?

  13. I am not surprised by this. Not surprised one bit. If you had been influential in normalcy and playing bridge, I’d just stop reading.

  14. Do not feel bad; Klout says I’m an expert in a town I haven’t lived in for a decade, and in ‘technology’. Really? Technology? All I do these days is write about bugs… I thought perhaps they didn’t have a tag for vermin, but if they have one for Satan, I must assume that they do…

  15. Fame is interesting. Dude I didn’t even know Satan was into blogging…I figured The S Man would be a Twitter dude. You learn something everyday.

  16. I’m RIGHT on the verge of googling Satan to see if he has a blog and if he’s following you. Because that would just be a bit too much. Also, it would explain a lot …

  17. I think satan might be linked to both blogging and social media…so that might just be about right. I mean, not to say you’re anything LIKE satan…just that you’re well rounded.

  18. Wow, you’re Klout score is definitely a measuring stick for other writers. I seem to be influential about Meth and Mormons (I can live with that) but not nearly as much as you and Satan got goin on…

    Congrats on the Douche Canoe… I think… It’s almost worth getting put on a business card, ya know?

    Blank white card, with only 9 simple words on it: “If you need to find me, google ‘Douche Canoe…'”

    ~My Own Private Idaho

  19. No, no, NO! You are looking at the Satan thing all wrong. It’s a one word description to sum up a bigger picture! If they were allowed a full paragraph to explain it, it would describe how James Garfield REPELS Satan! (He is a Saint, after all.) And he his little space on the internet is shared with you, so it would show up on your klout. And while that does mean you don’t get full credit for it, it does make it a good thing. So rock it girl!

  20. It is because of you that “douche canoe” has entered my lexicon. I will credit Tina Fey with adding “d-bag,” though. You are both pretty much equally awesome.

  21. The other day I was reading a FB convo and the term Douchetard was used. I’m curious if it’s more of an insult or less of an insult than Douchecanoe because I want to make sure I use it correctly.

  22. If we all keep saying douche canoe in comments, will the problem get worse? Is it even a problem? I say wear your douche canoe like a badge of honor.

    WOW. That did not come out in type the way it sounded in my head.

  23. You know what’s even more offensive than douche canoe? DOUCHE TACO. It just sounds so very, very wrong.

  24. The interwebs have spoken, and they are always right. Right?

    I only have a 26 influence score, & about boring things. Being friends with Satan must pay off. 🙂

  25. Klout is too hard for me. I went into it and it said “Oh no, your Klout score is falling!” And that is not something I ever had to worry about before today. My Klout score fell and it can’t get up.

  26. Huh. My Klout score says I’m a “Thought Leader,” about Colorado, humor, advertising and cars. What they didn’t mention is they are all just random thoughts. If I’m a “leader,” the people following better watch out, because I have no idea where I’m going. This usually occurs to me when I notice my sneakers have just gotten sucked off my feet because I’m treading ankle-deep in mud while my mind is somewhere else entirely.

  27. I have everyone at my local bar using the term “douche canoe”. My fiance hates it, which makes me love it just that much more 🙂

  28. I’m tempted to look up what exactly a douche canoe is on google but I’m afraid of what I will find… other than you of course.

    At least if you get satanists turning up at your door with ten virgins, demanding that you sacrifice them, you’ll know why… So that’s something.

  29. OK, so of course I had to go google for myself. I especially like the one of you holding the big pistol. Or gun. Or rifle. Or whatever it is. I’m going with pistol. I’m a little jealous that no pictures of me come up when I google douche canoe. Or anything else for that matter. . .

  30. Well you know what IS flattering? The fact that you influence soo many people including me!

    Awesomesauce. So now onto what I am most influential about: Writing, homosexuality (WTF?), allergies, #amwriting, college, money and anxiety. Apparently they know me so well.. because with college and money I do tend to get anxiety attacks. Not so sure on the homosexuality not like I have issues with it or think anything of it. I obviously write so it stands to make sense that #amwriting and writing go together.

    Yay me and thank you so much for point out your klout score I strive to be just as awesome as you. I am at a steady 42!

  31. Screw Klout. I just found out I’m influential about books. BOOKS. That is so un-fun and boring in comparison to Satan and douches that I don’t think I can ever log back onto that site. I am BOR.ING.

  32. Just because you’re influencing people about Satan doesn’t mean you’re influencing them TOWARD Satan. You could be the poster child for “Just say, ‘No’…to Satan.”

  33. I just put your blog through the wordle word cloud generator, and the word “Satan” appears only once, really really tiny, and in yellow. I hardly believe that makes you influential in the subject area. On the other hand, also notable are the other words that are not large, and in the centre of the cloud. Bloggess I really expected more from you. You really need to work on the right side of that cloud a little more! You can redo what I did at the wordle site, or the link to the cloud is in the website field. Yay self awareness!

  34. WOW! And I thought being an authority on ducks (according to Klout) was bad. Satan is WAY worse.

  35. Klout is lame, it says I am influential about Juice- (a) that is a cop out (b) how cliche (c) Its a damn nickname people…a nickname I know nothing about tasty refreshing beverages made from fruit, unless is Vino OR Orinthal Simpson, except that he did it, and the house is on my jogging route.

  36. Of course I had to google “douche canoe” after reading this. I didn’t see your picture but I did notice that a lot of people can’t spell. At all.
    Congratulations on the Satan thing? My whatever score would probably be high in something classy like “corn fed porn” or “hard dog turds”. Yep.

  37. I don’t know who the developer of Klout is, but they are clearly scouting out people to be one of Satan’s minions. You should see if there is some sort of scholarship available, before you say no.

  38. OMG. I just did the Google image search and you’re friend is right. And I think I just peed myself.

  39. And apparently I have a grammar impairment. Your friend is right. Maybe I should look for my picture in that search.

  40. Are you aware that you only have one less klout than Weird Al?!?! I would totally be willing to lead people to Satan if it made me that popular. Klout thinks I’m influential about “ipad” on the basis of a bunch of bots that @reply me every time I use it in a sentence. Satan’s a much cooler thing to be influential about 🙂

  41. I just found out that I’m influential about BACON! I don’t think I could think of a better thing to have associated with me.

    Oh, and vodka. Bacon and vodka. Two of my favorite things in life.

    I’d take bacon any day over satan.

  42. I am an expert in the field of Elephant. Not elephants, just a single Elephant. I blame my son, who can count to elephant quite well (one, two, three, four, five, six, ELEPHANT!). He’s obviously been tweeting about elephant.

  43. I’m jealous…I’ve been trying to get Satan’s attention for like YEARS. I offered my soul but he quickly realized I don’t have one. Oh well. As far as the “Fame” thing goes? I’m finding that in my little town (where I have become QUITE the celeb) fans spend A LOT of energy pretending they don’t recognize me at all. Bless their hearts.

  44. Satan should be flattered. You just added thousands of people to his army. Unless they become zombies of course. Satan is too smart to mess with zombies. Zombies are too stupid to follow anyone. Except those really smart zombies like in I Am Legend. I know too much about zombies, especially with them being all fictional.

  45. I’m afraid to try Klout. I think this is one of those things I’m safer not knowing, the same way it’s probably best not to google yourself when you’re famous because of fanfic.

    So if you are influential in the field of Satan, does that mean He influences you or you influence Him? Or Her….I’m an equal opportunity Satanist.

  46. Well, I checked mine and it told me I was an expert in Vampires and Homosexuality. I think Klout just outted Edward Cullen.

  47. Honestly Faust had a good time for awhile…enjoy it…then paddle your douche canoe towards Satan and then piss him off with asking him one too many times which he thinks would win in a battle…unicorns or zombies!

  48. Oh My God. There is a Douche Canoe dot Com. :0o

    Didn’t click on it… Too afraid. LOL!!

    And I wouldn’t recomend doing so if you are at work. Just sayin’. :0

  49. well, huh, I had to do the search myself, and came across this:

    http://douchecanoe.com/ um. nsfw? maybe for your work it’d be ok, if your boss isn’t a…er…

    are you involved somehow? it would make sense in some weird way.

  50. Well, speaking of not flattering, I had a young boy this afternoon (while I was picking up Lu) tell me multiple times that there was something “big” on my arm. After my initial spider freakout, I realized that he was lo’ and behold just talking about my arm itself. And I’m done conversing with the kids at my kid’s school. At least Lu still loves my gynormious arm!!

    BTW …, Jenny, if u want to talk about PR, please email me a hdchick@gmail.com

  51. “Well, isn’t that special?

    It seems our Bloggess is the new Church Lady!

    “Listen, somebody’s knocking at the door. Now, who could it be? Could it be … Satan?


  52. “I’m like the social media version of Faust.”

    Now that’s Foustin’ funny.
    Can I be Goethe? ‘Cause I’m gonna be. I’ll hang out in martini bars with Chicago dogs I got from Sonic and say things like, “All intelligent thoughts have already been thought; what is necessary is only to try to think them again.”

    Oh, and I’ll be drunk while I’m stylin’ my 18th century duds. Yes.

  53. I think that having a passing acquaintance with Satan could be why you get so many odd requests for ads on your blog… which in turn led to Will Wheaton collating paper… so that got him exposed to the general blogging community even more. It’s all coming together now, Will Wheaton is Satan.

    Darn, I knew Satan was supposedly cool, but not THAT cool.

  54. It’s comforting to know that if I ever need advice on Satan, I can always turn to you.

    And douche canoes. Everybody needs an expert in that field.

  55. Maybe a douche jet-ski, or seadoo.
    Think about it, it means you’re a fun fast ride that runs hot and just may throw ya.
    A douche-ski? Before you say ‘no’, doucheadoo!

  56. I overheard someone say “douche canoe” recently and wanted to ask her if she read your blog. But I didn’t know her very well and I don’t like to talk to strangers much, so I thought that might be weird. Instead I just giggled to myself. That probably wasn’t any less weird. Oh well.

  57. I love when things like “douche canoe” catch on! Of course this is coming from someone who thinks it’s funny that her 7-year-old niece is in danger of picking up the term “twat-waffle,” so take it with a grain of salt (preferably on a glass with some tequila in it – Satan loves tequila).

  58. I have linked “douche-canoe” second on my Dirty Word Forum. Right between “fuckwit” and “clam-jacked” (female version of “cock-blocked”).

  59. Somehow you should work your influence with Satan to benefit from the zombie apocalypse . . . that or to get more tequila. Just sayin’.

  60. BTW, did you know that when you google “douche canoe,” not only does your picture come up several times, it also comes up next to pictures of Donald Trump? You better hope that doesn’t come up in your Klout score. Being influencial in Satan is much more preferable.

  61. Congratulations! This feels like a huge accomplishment that you never knew you wanted. I bet Satan’s had his eye on you for a while, which is sort of a big compliment since I bet he’s super busy.

  62. Klout says I’m influential about boats. I don’t even think I’ve ever mentioned a boat. Why would I have influence over boats?!? I live sort of close to a river, that’s about it. I talk about the weather and crafting and human rights and my cats and I post links to things. The closest thing I come to a boat is saying douche canoe! I haven’t even been ON a boat in many many years. I am so confused by this Klout thing, it’s like it’s trying to flatter me but then it says I am an expert on boats so I don’t know if I can trust it. *shifty eyes*

  63. Turns out I’m not influential about anything. Shocker.

    I’m totally googling douche canoe images now.

  64. Not bad, I manage to get “eye candy” as one of my areas. Since when? When have I EVER tooted about eye candy?

    I think Klout makes it all up as it goes along. Stick with your friend and the douche canoes, you always know where you stand with douche canoes, up shit creek without a paddle but at least you know.

  65. I have started using douche canoe as if It were my own….I hope you don’t mind 🙂 Its pure genius.

  66. Well Klout reckons I’m a Specialist and I’m influential about Libya and Rupert Murdoch.

    My mum always said I was Special. *beams*

    Maybe I can influence Rupert Murdoch to visit Libya?

    Yes, yes, CommentLuv, I know I haven’t posted in a month, thanks for reminding me. Ugh!

  67. I was cracking up last week when I gave you a +K in Satan. It’s the little things! I’m kind of jealous of your ability to be influential on something like Satan…

    I’ve been trying to get Klout to say I am influential about ninjas or wookies and it refuses to stick.

    Maybe I need to sell my soul to Klout so I can get it to dub me on a topic I want…

    unlike weddings… I don’t even like weddings and it lists that!

  68. i used to want to be famous. now i just want to be rich. and i don’t want to be friends with satan. he stinks.

  69. You’re a “Thought Leader” as well! Does that mean we’re your Troop? Can we earn Thinking Badges? I want to sell Brain cookies to benefit the Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Fund.

  70. I kind of think Klout is a crock. I’d buy that I tweet about wine a lot, but the Pittsburg Penguins and horses? I live in New England, for God’s sake. I’d be stoned for liking anyone but the Bruins right now.

  71. I am beginning to question the sanity of Klout. Why isn’t is saying you are influential on douche canoe? I mean really. If it really is a true indicator, it would. I got Star Wars and I was just helping Leila try to be influential on Wookies. Go figure.

  72. I taught “douche canoe” to my husband who used it at work the other day. It’s catching on there now. I belive you may be receiving royalties any day now.

  73. I used “douche canoe” in a conversation the other day. Got the best reaction from my friend. Sort of a pause, with a head tilt, and a brief look of utter confusion….then a deep giggle and the recognition that it is indeed a spectacular phrase 🙂

    (And…ahem…of course I gave credit where credit is due)

  74. I’m sleepy right now, and want to go to bed because I have set a goal to work out in the morning at 9 am which requires me to get up by about 7:30 am EST (it is now 12:19 EST) Most likely I will fail since all I want to do is read blogs and leave comments, like this one, that have nothing to do with the post. So I guess I am just going to pop up here every now and again. XOXO!

  75. The Bloggess – a “Thought Leader”. I am pretty sure that is one of the Signs of the Apocalypse.


  76. Screw that !!
    Klout schmout.

    Who gives a crap?


    That’s the one that’s important.

    How close do you feel to Hitler and Himmler and Goebbels and Goering?
    How much do you identify with propaganda and parade processionals, whole arm salutes,
    walking stiff legged like a robot on phencyclidine, invading Poland…?

    These are the things that should concern you.

  77. Just an FYI- Thanks to you, I am now OBSESSED with watching shows about freaky eaters.

    As I type this I am watching “My Strange Addiction.” The woman is addicted to eating toilet paper, which is like, whatever–compared to eating furniture it isn’t a big deal. But this is what she had to say about it.

    “Eating toilet paper isn’t like being on drugs. It’s not like you can just like, get off eating toilet paper. It’s something that grabs on to you and holds you forever.”

    Thank-you for introducing me to this world, Jenny. If I hadn’t had my tubes tied back in high school, I would name my first child after you.

  78. I need to have you touch my forehead like the Pope so I can get more blog hits!
    If you see a cuter version of waldo…in your bushes ….just touch her on the forehead and she will go away…..lmao!!!!

  79. By the way douche canoe??? Idea for Lady Ga Ga’s next artistic cd cover?

  80. Wow!

    It’s like this post was meant for me. My last name is Faust. Every time, I watch swing kids and hear the one line “a faust is an ugly girl”, I cry….actually, I cry a lot in that movie. I’m a bus driver and about three years ago, a guy got on my bus and called me a douche canoe. It made my day, usually, I’m called a bitch or a carpet muncher or worse…but that insult made me happy….it was like the canadian version of douche bag! Then I read it on your blog! AWESOMTASTIC!!!

    Anyhow, my point was, I loved that post (or 2) of the red dress. It made me cry. I’ve been been wanting to do something like that for a while….except not wear a red dress, but pose naked on the internet in http://www.suicidegirls.com. I’m finally doing it. Thanks. I needed other people’s courage to do it.

    You’re fantabulous! I love you…in a non-lesbian kind of way, because you’re married, and I’m straight.

  81. All those years of playing with your oujia board(not a euphemism) are coming back to haunt you! I’m sort of disappointed you wouldn’t trend for taxidermy though. I know I wouldn’t dare buy a corpse (stuffed or otherwise) without first consulting you.

  82. I read this as “Kloot”, and that made me think of Jane Fonda. You should be influential about Jane Fonda too. I bet she has a douche canoe. She’s outdoorsy and stuff.

  83. I called my boss a douche canoe today. It made my day! And you had a hand in that! So thanks for making my day twice!

  84. i would still take satan and a douche canoe over what i get from google – only come up for a search for toddler poetry community, a one time joke post and now my only sad little claim to fame.

  85. My hubby just made me remove the word satan from my latest post, he said too many would be offended. It now says “If cleanliness is next to godliness I am clearly destined for an eternity in flames” If I had kept is as “I am clearly a child of satan” I may have had a similar Klout topic to you my IDOL – damnation to all vanilla husbands I say.

    Loving your blog along with, I don’t know, 100s and 1000s of others…. (not the sprinkles, btw)

  86. Frick. I just found out that I am influential about lobster. This, despite the fact that I don’t think I’ve ever uttered the word “lobster” aloud. I certainly have never cooked it. And I doubt I tweeted it. My “bacon” score is too low, in my opinion.

    Oh, and now that I’m reading the 5th post in a row from you, I’m in love. Satan and all. Thanks for existing.

  87. Oh, and did you think fame was going to be like this? Strangers proclaiming non-lesbian love in the comments? You’ve so made it.

  88. Hey, better than me – i have most influence about Lisa Simpson, Russia and Hearing. There’s some sort of code there.

  89. Apparently, I’m quite the expert at Klout about shopping and cookies. I used to be an authority on the White House which I find rather odd because I’ve never been invited over…

  90. Nothing worse than building up to a night of great sex and the whole thing lasting two minutes. So get one to improve your stamina.

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