Victor refuses to open anything addressed to me anymore

I have a public PO box, but I almost never write about anything sent to me.  Also, I never check it, so twice a year the post office gets pissed, throws everything in one box and mails it to me.  Last time, the most baffling package contained an actual kangaroo hand.  No shit, y’all.  Kangaroo hand.  There was also a kangaroo scrotum in there, specifically marked for Victor.  I can only assume the rest of the kangaroo was lost in transit.  It was awesome and Victor said he was never going to open anything addressed to me again.

Yesterday a new box arrived and one package stood out from the rest:

At least it's not a giant metal chicken.

But there’s something that made these towels stand out (even more than the fact that I would finally be able to wear a bath-towel that simply says “motherfucker” on it).  The labeling on the cellophane:

That’s marketing, motherfuckers.

PS. You really shouldn’t send me stuff.  Seriously.  I suck at thank you notes and I almost never write about anything I get in the mail.  Except for the towels.  I had to share the towels.

PPS.  And also this girl, who just sent me an envelope filled with fucked-up stickers.  Victor came home and found that I’d put “FOR VAGINAL USE ONLY” stickers on all of our cups and plates, and there were “EXTRA FANCY” and “MAY CAUSE DISCOLORATION OF URINE” stickers all over the kitten.  Then Victor got all pissy so I put an “AGGRESSIVE ANIMAL. OBSERVING FOR RABIES” sticker on him, and then he stuck all of the “UNDER MEDICATION” stickers on my face.  Which was unnecessary because one is enough, Victor.  Then Hailey asked if she could have some, and it felt weird telling a 6-year-old that I wouldn’t share my stickers with her, so I gave her the foreign-language ones and the meat-product stickers, and she put a “BULK SAUSAGE” sticker on Victor’s shirt.   Then, after she left, Victor shrugged and said, “Whatever.  Bulk Sausage was my nickname in high school”.  I love that man.

PPPS.  “PARA USO RECTAL SOLAMENTE” sounds very pretty, but you shouldn’t let your child bring those stickers to school.  Also, I should probably learn some Spanish.  And that’s why I’m not allowed to join the PTA.

279 thoughts on “Victor refuses to open anything addressed to me anymore

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You’ve got it backwards. That is *exactly* why you should be allowed to join, and lead, the PTA. Because Knock-Knock, Motherfuckers, shit got real.

  2. That was the perfect thing for me to read before going to bed. You guys are funny (i’m sure you’re aware) I wish i still lived in austin 🙂

  3. 1. These rock.
    2. Victor’s a chicken shit (no pun intended)…he should just open the packages.
    3. I always refer to you as “Jenny…you know…’Knock knock, motherfucker?” (People always know who I’m talking about after that.

  4. Man oh man, I wish my mail were half that interesting!

    Glad you found Rolly. I was worried for you and her and was checking my Twitter feed every give minutes for an update. <3

  5. I LOVE the disclamier. Thats EPIC! Do you know where they had those printed up and made? I want to order me some! Plus, those stickers sound AWESOME! I’d like some of them too.

    How is your kitty? Is she doing okay?

  6. Don’t you think you should get hand soap made in the shape of Copernicus stabbing someone? That would complete your guest bathroom, I think.

    Jenna
    callherhappy.com

    p.s. When I comment on your blog, I become my alter ago. Thank you.

  7. My BFF just told me that “Para Uso rectal Solamente” is “For anal use only.” To which I replied “BAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH! I would so let my daughter wear those stickers to school and LAUGH MY FUCKING ASS OFF ALL DAY. Hrm. No pun intended.”

  8. And by give, I of course meant five. Not the most embarrassing autocorrect I’ve ever had the pleasure of sending, at least!

  9. My roommate recently fell (he was very drunk) and fractured his hand in multiple spots (like super drunk) and I had to take him to the hospital in the middle of the night. While we were sitting around triage waiting for a doctor to look at him I glanced over and noticed a very large bundle of bright yellow wristbands that read “FALL RISK.” Unfortunately I noticed this right when the doctor came over and giggled obnoxiously the entire time she was looking at his hand while simultaneously suggesting my roommate needed a wristband, maybe 5. I’m surprised they still gave him meds instead of kicking us out for acting like complete crackheads.

    PS. THOSE TOWELS ARE AMAZING.

  10. Those towels are the best! I hope she posts here and tells us who did the embroidering!
    I favorited the sticker store – I’ll be back to buy from there later.

  11. Man! Some people give the best gifts! And to think that I was all smug and proud of the Homo Sweet Homo wall decor that I gifted my friend the other day. Those towels are awesome, and I am totally jealous that you got stickers. Tell me- are they shiny? and Do they have unicorns on them?

  12. YES! I’m so glad you got the stickers and that they were “useful.” I was hoping you wouldn’t just think they were stupid… which they ARE, undeniably, but I wanted them to be just the right kind of stupid for your needs, and for the needs of Bulk Sausage. Awesome.

  13. My dog’s medicine always comes with the sticker, “Do not drive or operate heavy machinery.” Which really pisses me off, because who’s going to make my 7-11 run for more wine NOW???

  14. whoa. what is that link under my post? what is happening you guys, how did it read my mind. i assumed that thing was just for linking relevant blog posts and such.

  15. Love, love, love the towels!! So Jenny, I have to wonder…Did Victor have much to say about getting more towels after all? I envy your mail box, it is just filled with wonder and inappropriateness. I also desperately need a package of those stickers…if there’s a link/website please share!

  16. Oh my gosh – I laughed out loud and scared the dogs. Thank you, thank you for your vile, wonderful, snarky words….always

  17. Why don’t I have a PO box? It seems like a little tickle trunk of inappropriateness. That’s probably not a word. Using it anyway.

  18. Recent reader, first time poster.

    It’s only tangentially related to the (totally amazing) towels, but when I finished a big writing project today, I *totally* taunted the paper (and expressed my general feelings of awesomeness) by yelling said catchphrase as loud as I could. Glad no one was home.

    A few months back I saw another giant metal chicken in a small town in the south central Texas area, but it was almost certainly not your chicken. Is Beyonce multiplying?

  19. I have never been more envious. Oh how I could have used those towels and stickers a couple of weeks ago on our hell-on-earth trip to Orlando, during which I lost my mind and tried to blot out the motherfucking sun. I can picture myself proudly affixing the towels like a Rambo headband while screaming expletives and slapping stickers all over the whiny children, cranky old people and the stinky masses who’d clearly never heard of deodorant.

    Admittedly, I was not at my best during the trip.

  20. When I went to college I insisted I have my name monogrammed on anything and everything. But that was only after my mother told me she wouldn’t pay to have “Bad Bitch” written on everything like I initially demanded.

  21. Victor, you’re missing out! Jenny, if you need a volunteer to sort your mail once a month, I’m your girl! Thought I’d wake everyone in my house up reading this post!

  22. Jenny, so sorry I Ambien tweeted you last night. Horrifying. I need these towels to cover my shame. And yet…Copernicus was the first being to come to my defense on Twitter. For this and much more, I am so very grateful for your friendship.

    Also, I watched some videos of you on YouTube, and you are sooooo cute and beautiful! Who knew?

    xxxx- Girlt o Mom- heidi

  23. Holy sh*t balls! I laughed so effing hard at the for vaginal use only plate! I need some of those stickers! For my roommates! I can only imagine their faces! You always make my day! Oh and those are some sweet towels! I really like exclaimation points!!!

  24. OMG! I want those!!!!!

    So I have a question.. I have a pic that I took that i’d like to share with you. Since I’m new to reading your blog and haven’t already found it, is there a way to send you an email or a msg that I can attach a pic to it since I can’t do that in your comments?

    Sure. Just send it to jenny (at) thebloggess.com. ~ Jenny

  25. I totally posted you that kangaroo hand, from Australia. It’s a backscratcher! Are you telling me that Victor didn’t *like* his kangaroo scrotum coin purse??

  26. Give ME those stickers and I’ll take them to my daughter’s school PTA… Those bitches need a good shake up… Not like they don’t already give me the evil eye for daring to wear a tshirt with skulls on it instead of the required Momster uniform of size 2 dress pants and a sensible blazer.

  27. Dear lord, wo,an, that was amazingly funny. I laughed so hard I nearly coughed up a lung. Which would be awkward, and maybe kind of gross.

    As far as the towels, while awesome, I’m not sure knocking is appropriate for a towel. Maybe something like “Drip drip, motherfucker.” 😛

  28. How great would it be if you checked into, say, the freaking Waldorf and had your champagne and strawberries, and ate the pillow chocolate, and raided the mini-bar, and after you puked and showered you reached for the towel and it said Knock Knock Motherfucker? Now, Mr. Geithner, I’m no economist, but I think this one strategy would turn the economy around all by itself. People would be on the friggin road just to steal these towels. Especially if they were hung on metal chickens.

  29. manneredgold … genius

    Love when lovely stuff like this happens and then I get to know another incredible person via their blog.

  30. If you want someone to open your mail for you, you can always forward the PO box stuff to my address and I’ll help sort it for you…

    I should note that there is a chance I would definitely steal some of the stuff. But there is a 100% probability you will possibly get some of it.

  31. So…is it weird or just weirdly healthy that my husband and I each have a mini-Beyonce on our bedside tables? And that “knock knock, mofo” is now a regular Post It note in our house? (full “motherfucker” being avoided due to teenage child).

    And how does one send you amazing gifts via post office box? Because I have plans…and because you, Jenny, are amazing.

  32. Jenny, you are wonderful. I think I need those towels, my boyfriend will be so surprised! Well…nah he won’t be surprised at all. Not since I got my mini Beyonce.

  33. I want a set of those stickers!

    One of my former bosses used to put stickers on the hard copies of our reviews. As an over 50, i was so totally offended by that. Had she put a ”PARA USO RECTAL SOLAMENTE” sticker on it, that might have been okay.

  34. Now you need a picture with the towel on your head along with Rolly. Glad she’s home and your mojo is back.

  35. LOVED Jen’s comment above. Greatness.

    I’m glad I popped in to read before sullenly getting ready to go to the dreaded work. The towel and the stickers and Mr Bulk Sausage….great laughs to start the day. Thanks, as always, to the funny motherfuckers in the world.

  36. OMG those towels are epicly awesome, and made me LOL IRL. Good thing I am alone and not at work or I would have to explain. I have to say I am a tad envious, I never get cool shit in the mail unless I order it myself. I think I would be scared to open stuff at your house too. Enjoy those stickers andd those towels. Was trying to think of something clever to say about the Kangaroo parts but I am coming up with nada. That’s what happens when you stay up all night purging dust covers articles. It feels like an acid trip. Rofl.

  37. Hi Jenny!
    I love those stickers. I shared office space with Poison Control for years and they have some pretty cool stickers. I have stickers with Mr. Yuck on them, I use them for when I make up larger amounts of alcoholic drinks….that way the kids know not to taste it…I also place them on other various items in the kitchen too, my oldest daughter can not stand ketchup, I’m not sure why, but we have a Mr. Yuck sticker on that too:-)

    I am really looking forward to your posts over the next few weeks because I am having my elbow reconstructed AGAIN, and I am going to need to laugh, to help with the pain, keep up the great work.
    P.S.-Those towels ROCK!!!!

  38. Sweet buttery jesus, I had to buy the stickers… AND THE FETUSES.
    I mean, look at these things! And the listing text is damn near why I bought them – http://www.etsy.com/transaction/58902205

    Thanks for the laughs and for the links to buy insanely awesome and useless things, though I could probably find most of that on my own…

  39. The useless things… Not the laughs. Laughs are less tangible and harder to come by… And you’re such a good supplier. I should shut up now.

  40. I wish someone would send me something nearly as awesome as any of those things. And its perfect that Victor has a reminder ON HIS TOWELS why he should let you buy more towels.

  41. For the first time ever in my life, I am suffering from Towel Envy. I want to redecorate my bathroom in a “Motherfucker” theme now. I think a toilet seat cover that says “Hit the bowel, Motherfucker” would be AWESOME.

    Mad props to whoever sent you those. Ummm… could I give her my address? (I would like towels, shower curtain, bathmat, and toilet seat cover, please thank you. I think a bathroom Motherfucker theme is totally the new black.)

  42. I will admit- there was soda spewage when I first read this post last night.

    I don’t see why Victor refuses to open awesome gifts that come aplenty in the mail. That’s like free shit, Victor. What the hell? Those Kangaroo testicles were a gift, and he should be thankful someone was thinking of him.

    And also? I think the best part was the stickers. I want stickers that say things like Extra Fancy. I’d stick them on my privates and do a lil dance for Spouse, and hope that I don’t blind him with visions of naked me. On second thought, perhaps I’ll stay clothed. If he’s blind, he can’t work, and I wasn’t cut out for working.

  43. Those towles are so fereaking cool! I hope Mannered Gold is ready for the flood of orders she’s going to get. You know all of your readers are going to want them now. You’re like the Oprah of crazy-ass products. I’m sure the metal chicken industry owes you a HUGE thank you.

  44. I am so glad my husband is computer illiterate. I don’t want to see the result of him getting his hands on stickers like those. “Bulk Sausage” would surely get him fired or arrested.

  45. Best towels ever. But the problem is that they are so great that I would never want to use them so I Would end up hoarding them with all of my fancy stuff that I save. Either that or I would send them to my mother in law anonymously so she would think that someone was stalking her and get all freaked out and never want to leaver her house meaning she could never visit mine.
    Hmmm.. Where do I get towels like that? I think I have just solved all of my problems.

  46. I’m sure Victor is hot and all, but I’ve yet to meet a man who wouldn’t claim being called “Bulk Sausage” in high school.

    Something tells me ol’Victors got some balls though. I’m not sure just any man could give you such a run for your money. God love him. (Does he understand just how lucky a man he is?)

  47. I’m pretty sure “Para uso rectal solamente” means “Proudly drug-free and also I love diversity and rainbows.” So very safe for a six-year-old to wear to school

  48. I really hope there were some ‘kosher’ stickers in there, too, so that you could mark your urine specimens and bulk sausage as kosher.

  49. I think I’m seizing. Loving the towels. Though they aren’t going to help you avoid charges of reckless stabbing. Hell, she even said you shouldn’t use them for cleaning up blood. What good are they then, I ask. Just sayin’.

  50. Wait, so you’re telling me that people just send you free shit all the time? Wha? How? Where can I sign up for this service?

  51. That is just tremendous. I’m a little bit in love with the internet right now that those towels even exist, much less that you posted them. You make me furiously happy.
    Which is good, really, since this week has been an exercise in being trampled by life as if it were a herd of rampaging pygmy sloths. And that is a long fucking trampling, let me tell you.

  52. Bulk Sausage, sounds exactly like what I need tattooed on my forehead. Stickers fall off with the semi-annual creek bath, but tattoos, they’re forever. And I totally wouldn’t regret that.

  53. Okay, totally want the towels and the stickers!! Sounds like she sent you a bunch of old prescription warning stickers. In pharmacy school we had to figure out what stickers to put on the fake scripts we filled in class, but nowa days the computer prints them for you. Technology is great! And now I’m off topic. Oh well. If I ever send you something, I wouldn’t be offended at no thank you note. I too am horrible about thank you notes. Just ask anyone who gave us stuff for our kids. I hope they all assume I’m so busy being the perfect mom that I just don’t have time to write much. It’s a complete lie, but if it’s my fantasy, I can be a perfect mom there. 🙂

    Wow. Just ignore this comment. Apparently three days of a nearly liquid diet from food poisoning has messed with my head.

  54. “Para uso rectal” Fucking awesome! I need those so I could put them on my fruits and other random stuff in my house like a lamp base or face cream.

  55. I totally just went and bought a bunch of those stickers. For work purposes. I’m going to write them off when I do taxes.

  56. I so want those towels for my guest bathroom. Add a lovely stitched image of Beyonce to it and they are FUCKING PERFECT! When will we see these in you shop? They would be a big seller, I’m sure! Who can resist tells that have Mother fucker on them??!!

  57. I only found this blog a couple of weeks ago, and ever since all I have wanted is a 5FT Metal chicken to place outside peoples front doors with a speech bubble saying ‘Knock Knock, motherfucker’. Because who doesn’t need that in their life? The towels are a-mezzing. What would be incredible though would be a Doormat saying that.

    or possibly even Ding Dong, Chickenshit.

  58. Does it make you all warm and fuzzy inside to know you brighten so many people’s day?

    Is there a sticker for that? Copernicus should get a little dagger so he can say…. I just want to get the warm and fuzzys out of you.

  59. You never fail to make me laugh. Wish I lived in Texas, cause hanging with you would be a blast. Frankly I think I need a big metal chicken, I will be on the search here in Maine for one. For now, ” I’ll just out a bird on it” and call it a day!

  60. My college roommate is getting married two weeks from now. I finally have the perfect present idea! Sarah please tell me you’re going to sell these?!

  61. “Para uso rectal solamente”

    will somehow be put in a poem or a play script now. Also whenever one of the cats knock things over (read as every 2 minutes) I give voice to their rage with “Knock Knock Motherfucker.” We’ll see how long it takes the wife to hate this.

  62. I’d be afraid to put those towels out anywhere that the inlaws could find them… there’s just no easy way to explain why anyone would find those funny! LOVE the stickers. Oh and people like you not joining the PTA is precisely why I never joined.

  63. Towels, yes. Stickers, HELL yes! And are there post-its that say “Knock, knock”? If not, PLEASE make some!!!

  64. Hahaha.. I love the stickers… reminds me of when my friend (who worked in a pharmacy) would send me packages and cover them with the “For Rectal Use” stickers with the stick people and would write “Up Your Bum, Chum” all over them.

  65. You should ask these people for permission to sell this shit on your zazzle. I would buy the shit out of some ‘for rectal use only’ stickers.

  66. You? Are a national treasure.

    I think I love you.

    Random people are gifting you embroidered towels specific to your blog posts. That is truly awesome.

    Also, I would love to dry off with the words “mother fucker” gently rubbing my backside.

  67. Where is everyone planning to put these stickers?

    All I can see in my head is someone putting one on a street sing, totally getting busted by the cops, and then mailing his or her fine with a sticker adhered that says “Para uso rectal solamente.”

    Actually, that sounds kind of awesome. Go you, imagination!

  68. Just when I thought I could not want to become you more, um sorry, use Copernicus’ powers to steal your essence, oopsie, um just sit from afar and admire you in a non-unstalkerish like way (that’s the one)! You post something like this. I bow before your superior nature. But it is my birthday today, and I shall celebrate it by buying myself these towels.

  69. PARA USO RECTAL SOLAMENTE is my favorite opera. I love the towels but I was most impressed by the fact that the post office sends you your backed up P.O. Box mail. That’s some awesome positive reinforcement for procrastination right there.

  70. Hold the fuck up. You get SCROTUM in the mail and you only check it twice a year? WTF is wrong with you? I’d be waiting by that PO box every damn day, waiting for my next surprise.
    You have the best readers EVER EVER EVER.

  71. If I didn’t love you so damn much already, this post alone would have done it. You had me at “For Vaginal Use Only”. That should totally be a greeting card.

  72. Um wow. I’m the sticker lady, and I need to thank all of you. I didn’t expect Jenny to give me a shout-out, and I WAY did not expect so much attention from said shout-out. I’m really overwhelmed (in a good way) by the number of orders and friendly notes I’ve received this morning.

    My etsy shop, goofy as it is, provides the bulk (sausage) of my income. I basically depend on the kindness of strangers to spread good word-of-mouth about my admittedly useless weird stuff.

    You guys have seriously made my day. I appreciate it more than you know.

  73. I feel it is safe to say I’m not the only one who wondered if kangaroo paws/scrotum are perishable. And maybe that’s why Victor doesn’t open the boxes. Because really, kangaroo scrotum could be awesome as long as it is fresh.

  74. i bet you have no idea how many ministers read your blog–and how many of us frequently quote you in the pulpit. we’re hip like that.

  75. I used to peel stickers off things and put them on other things. So my calculator had a sticker that read “Replace cap after use”, my radio alarm clock had one saying “May cause sensitivity to sunlight”, and my highlighter pen said “To be swallowed whole”.

  76. And where the hell did the towels come from, I want to know? I’m so awed that there is a place that will actually print that on towels!! AWESOME.

  77. I love the disclaimer on those towels. Everyone should have that framed and mounted over their guest towels. And some itchy stuff on the towels themselves to let them know you weren’t playing! Lol.

  78. Holy hell, I was laughing so hard at the idea of you putting “For Vaginal Use Only” stickers on your dinnerware that my water just broke.

    And I’m not even pregnant.

  79. I have been trying to get the PTA to avoid me for a while now. Getting my hands on some of these stickers would make things so much easier. It is getting hard to keep faking this herion addiction.

  80. I need to remember to go pee BEFORE I read your blog. My cousins and mother and I all read your blog and all of the men in our lives think we’ve lost our mind when we say things like: “he’s just being nice, VICTOR!” or “do my eyeballs smell?” then laugh our asses off. I can’t find the Knock Knock Motherfucker cards on Zazzel anymore and I had totally planned on sending them out as Christmas cards.

  81. God I hope a major department store sees this blog post and starts selling towels like that.

    Genius. Absolute GENIUS.

    And here Jenny. I’ll teach you the two Spanish sentences I know. They have nothing to do with the phrase you mentioned above, but it’s all I’ve got.

    La comida es muy bueno. (The food is very good.)

    La comida es muy caliente. (The food is very hot.)

    DISCLAIMER: I have *no* idea if I’ve spelled any of those words correctly. . .

    That said: truly the only two sentences you need to know when you go for Mexican food.

    C-

  82. Oh Jenny, you made my day! I am having a spectacularly terrible week and those mother fucking towels just made up for it. Well except the part where I can’t pay my gas bill. But shit happens right? I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now and I never comment because you are so damn funny I feel inadequate (insert sad face here). But seriously, pity party aside, you are hilarious. Also, there is a flower shop in my town with a statue that could be Beyonce’s twin sister. I thought about selling a kidney to buy it but then I realized my kidneys are kinda busted up and no one would want one. Also, rusty saws scare me. Hugs (the kind of ones Copernicus gives)

  83. Seriously, thats the best present ever. I would totally walk around my house in a towel that said motherfucker. All. The. Time.

  84. My husband and Victor need to go out sometime. He just said “Awesome” in a sarcastic, not-awesome way when I told him I bought towels that say “Knock Knock Motherfucker”. We’re just up the street in Oklahoma, so that would totally work.

  85. I need to get some of these towels. I think every cool person should have a set of these at their house. I certainly want to buy them.

  86. Um. Hello??? Zazzle please. You’ll make a bazillion dollars, and there will likely be another server crash. Totally worth it though. Totes.

  87. Jenny,

    I was just asked by Joel Stein who writes for “Time” magazine to be interviewed about how I feel about Congress the Sunday. What should I tell him? I need your guidance.

  88. I read this thread- and then immediately asked my husband if he’d let me put a sticker on his ding-dong that read FOR ANAL USE ONLY.

    I’ve linked it for your perusal.

    (Sadly, he would not allow me to put the sticker on it. Nor did he allow me to draw a small mustache on it, either)

    http://www.charitywoosley.com/?p=1533

  89. I went to Jessica’s Etsy store.. now I not only want various stickers, I kind of want a ‘Fuck’ frowny stuffed bunny as well.

  90. OMG I heart you Simone. 🙂

    Simone September 22, 2011 at 10:45 pm
    you have the most fucked up readers. myself included. it’s like an island of misfit writers up in this mutherfucker.

  91. You guys are officially nuts. I had NO idea how much attention this would bring my silly old shop today. I’m feeling pretty humble and sappy right now.

    It’s time I did a microloan thing on kiva.org. I’ve wanted to do that for a long time, and today is the day. Thanks, you guys.

  92. PSA – those kind of stickers are EXACTLY what you get peppered with when you go to the Mt. Angel, Oregon Oktoberfest beerhall. At least it was when I was young and 21…. Everybody brings rolls of the weirdest random stickers (usually stolen from local grocery stores I think), gets drunk and lines the hall on picnic tables and sticks ’em on anybody who walks by. It’s like bead necklaces at Mardi Gras only no public nudity since the event does benefit the nuns at the convent. But apparently public drunkenness and groping is perfectly OK.

    So anyway the traffic of the crowd generally goes from 1) keg counter, to 2) dance floor and chicken dance, 3) port-a-potties in the back. By the time you make it to the honeybucket your plastic cup is empty and your bladder full. Then it’s time to make the circuit again! It’s rather entertaining to make it home (designated driver, dude!) and find stickers in places you had NO IDEA anybody’s hand had been in the vicinity of. And to see exactly what rate you got from the USDA / random strangers for your, um… product?

  93. I would love a t-shirt that said “PARA USO RECTAL SOLAMENTE.” Most people would be like “huh? Spanish?” but the ones who got it would be all uncomfortable and giggly. It would be the best.

  94. Those towels are amazing. I would like to know what product or item might have required a “para uso rectal solamente” sticker. Isn’t that the kind of thing that should be permanently printed on something that is truly used only in your ass? I wonder if they ever get the stickers swapped at the factory. Is someone getting a thermometer that says “extra fancy” and coffee that says “para uso rectal solamente”?

  95. Holy crap, I just laughed myself silly while my two boys wrestled while they watched America’s Funniest Something-or-Other. (There are many reasons a 7-year-old and a 4-year-old think these shows are entertaining, and many reasons they should not watch them.)

  96. AAAAAAAGGGGHHHH! I was so jonesing for a post from you and then saw this gem! I should know better than to be drinking red wine while I’m reading your shit. The beige carpet now has a lovely spatter stain.

  97. So let me get this straight: all you have to do is have an awesome blog with 100s of followers and commenters. . . and a Public PO box and people send you random shit? I’m on it! Now! Gotta go and write some awesome funny blogs so I can get stuff. . .
    This isn’t quite in the same league but someone at work (we’re teachers so very mature) got some post-it notes with “Fuck Off” stamped on them. . . or they made them themselves. . and then stuck them all over the IT guys screens. . . where do I get some of those cooler stickers?!@

  98. While I think your towels are awesome, I am fairly new to the site and I really really need to know why someone would send you parts of a kangaroo! Also I have many uses for those stickers. I think I will look for where to get them. Perhaps you should write about more stuff you get in the mail.

    Thanks for making me laugh so hard wine come out of nose!!!

  99. Just found your blog the other day and I seriously can’t stop laughing. My mother even hung up on me last night because she was tired of me reading her your blog posts. Anyway, I love your towels. I want to get my husband a pair of boxers that say “Knock Knock Mother Fucker!” on the front. They will go good with the shirt I got him while we were still dating that says “Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck”.

  100. Dudes – you are amazeballs. I made the towels and you made my day with all your love and “fuck yeahs!” and suggestions for sainthood and/or matching toilet accessories. Mucho thank-o to Miss Jenny for the shout out. She’s the wind beneath my chicken wings.

  101. On a day when my computer failed (and I spent 8 hrs. getting it up and running again), my son threw up, my cat threw up and my husband got all clingy because he’s going thru some wacky mid-life meltdown, can I say I’d really love that Motherfucker towel?!

    Thank you for the laugh.

  102. I am trying my BEST not to scream out loud! You are the funniest person ever!!! Thanks, I so needed that laugh. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time.

  103. TOTALLY RANDOM COMMENT THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING (Hey, where else would you put one?):
    My word of the day: BLIVET
    (as submitted to me by my 83-year-old father from whom I get my warped sense of humor)
    Urban Dictionary: blivet—-definition:
    Ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag. A situation so vile no matter how well you deal with it you will still get dirty.

    I have had a totally blivet kind of day—two days in a row actually. At least your blog helped me to end it with a laugh. Thank you, as always, for your wonderfully warped sense of humor!

  104. I met my own husband (who Victor SO reminds me of sometimes) by sticking a “Take Me Home – I’m Delicious!” sticker on him. I worked in a deli, and I had snatched a few for my collection (Started in 6th grade, I have over 4000 of them now!) I brought the extra to a get together, and was having fun sticking them on people (who were pretending to be vampires, btw). Everyone was amused, although my (soon to be) husband remarked “Really? Well.. how do you know?” To which I remplied “Well.. I guess I’ll just have to find out!” after which I promptly ran away like a coward rather than face the possibly repercusions of my unusually bold reply. Thank goodness he didn’t let me run far. He pulled the old “No girl ever kissed me FIRST” line – so of COURSe, I HAD to kiss him. Tried to run away again, too, but he wouldn’t let me. In retaliation, he was the first to say “I love you” 🙂

    <3 you and LOVE your stories, you make me feel like maybe I'm gonna be ok 🙂

  105. Personally, I think you should continue to give Hailey the ”PARA USO RECTAL SOLAMENTE” stickers to take to school. Because I know I’d want my child’s teacher to be savvy enough to come up with a valid explanation when that sh*t showed up on her chalk.

    The significant other and I generally stay out of each other’s mail, although he has threatened to have a “medicated for your protection” sticker affixed to my person. He also got me one of those old movie trailer-type shirts with “Restricted- No one under 18 admitted”, which he thought was very funny until I started asking if the shirt qualified as a legal defense…

  106. I need those stickers. All of them. Except then I would take them to work and put all of the “vaginal use only” stickers on the books about erectile dysfunction. And I would get fired, which would be bad because I need to buy those stickers. Vicious cycle, really.

    Also, I love this post. I tried reading the sticker bit to Spousal Unit and he couldn’t understand me because I was laughing so hard.

  107. Truly, you have the greatest, oddest, weirdest, most fantabulous readers and commenters in (on? no, in~as in space) the interwebs. And I would totally be waiting next to my PO box every. damn. day! Mail’s hardly ever any fun anymore!

  108. I had a roll of “Manager’s Special” stickers for a while, and had fun putting them to good use.

    If you were on my PTA, I’d totally join. But we’d probably be sitting in the back, making snide comments about everyone and snickering and they’d throw us out. Which would be really funny. Kinda related: Have you ever considered joining your local roller derby team?

    Now, I’m off to check out Jessica’s stickers….

  109. I was congratulating myself just today on having shattered only 7 of the 10 commandments. Because if you could actually lie your asss off, I would never sit again and I’ve not exactly kept holy the sabbath, but I draw a very firm line on killing and a fairly discernable one on sleeping with married men and I’m pretty damn sure I’ve never coveted my neighbor’s ox. But shit! Now I have coveted The Bloggess’ hand towels and most especially her fancy vaginal stickers. And that’s probably on the modern language bible’s revised top 10 list so I’m, like, up to 8. Which is either really ambitious or really damned depending on your relative agnosticism. (Luckily for me, I’m totally agnostic in that peculiar sort of agnostic non-commital way.)

    I probably shouldn’t drink and post.

  110. I love that word “Blivet” that would make a great tshirt, only really smart people who area t home on a Saturday night reading the comments on this wonderful blog would understand. Oh and of course Beyonce would have to be n there too.
    I never have to fear abibliophobia while I have you guys

  111. Why would someone send Jenny parts of a kangaroo because Australia is overloaded with Kangaroos and she is lucky someone didn’t send her a whole fucking kangaroo.

  112. Hey cool—I’ve never gotten a comment on my comment here before! So gosh, Peta, if you like the word blivet, you’ll LOVE “formication.” Look again, you probably didn’t read that right—that’s an “m” not an “n.” Not as fun of a meaning as blivet, but still a fun word. Challenge: find fun ways to use it today (after looking it up, of course)!

    And by the way Jenny, after reviewing Beyonce’s facebook page early in its inception, I noticed a picture of a picture of a metal chicken in the hall of a medical office in Raleigh, NC. Coming out of his oral surgeon the day before yesterday my husband stopped in the hall and pointed, saying “Hey look, it’s a picture of a metal chicken!” I was so proud of him to have spotted it, AND I recognized as the one on Beyonce’s facebook. Small world, huh?

  113. Why the hell wouldn’t you check your PO box more often, with gems like this in it?
    Although, I suppose people send you some fucking weird shit, too…

  114. No one gets snorting, hiccuping, tear-inducing guffaws out of me like you do! You’re too awesome for words.
    Victor got me with this one, though. That ‘bulk sausage’ thing had me in convulsions. Score!
    OH, and the eyeball-smelling thing…I shared it with my niece to explain THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE REASON WHY YOU WOULD EVER GET MARRIED…EVER.
    Hailey should pay a cover charge every single day.
    <3

  115. Holy crap, can I have some of your stickers?! I NEED them!

    This is my first comment, but I’ve been reading your blog for a year now and let me just say that you are a funny bitch. Haha excuse me for cursing, but your work has inspired me to start my own blog. Check it out sometimes.

    Stay hilarious!

    -Miss Marzi

  116. I was killing time surfing the net while waiting for a game to download to my XBox when I saw this:

    http://whydidyoubuymethat.com/post/8689173998/this-is-actually-4-gifts-a-kangaroo-paw-bottle

    I could not believe that there could be more than one set of these out there, but my favorite part is that they have FUNCTIONS. As bottle openers!

    Because I know that I want taxidermied flakes of kangaroo testicles drifting into my beverages, don’t you?

  117. Joining the PTA is highly over rated. Those bitches are really uptight. Keep up the good work because as soon as they change your status to “eligible” they are going to want you to work a popcorn booth at the school festival while a bunch of annoying children run around screaming and making you want to hide in a hole.

  118. I have a PO Box yet the most exciting thing I’ve ever received was a batch chocolate chip cookies (which I ate for breakfast the next morning). Power to you!

  119. Not a life saving device unless your Jenny. However Victor might just strangler her with the towels….so definitely not a life saving device.

  120. Those towels are perfect!!! There will be a run on the embroidery stores. I’ve never commented before, but I just wanted to mention, from one anxiety-stricken woman to another, that I never feel quite so anxious after I’ve read one of your blog posts.

    ps-I’m going to make my own PARA USO RECTAL SOLAMENTE stickers and put them on my co-workers. It’s very apt.

  121. If my PTA used “Knock Knock Motherfucker” towels as fundraisers instead of the lame-ass shit they do now, our kindergartners would be pissing in golden urinals and every kid would have an iPad.

  122. I wonder if it would be inappropriate to get Victor a semi matching towel with a rooster on it… or better yet! Get all the other towels in the house embroidered with roosters! Then he wouldn’t be able to help to complete the set any time he showers!

  123. Wow. I love your blog. I’ve read back through almost all of it over the past few weeks during 2am feedings. It’s kept me very entertained. You would like how I would be , minus the cursing, if my anxiety got the best of me. I read this study recently about anxiety and gluten and it changed me pretty much. Thought you’d be interested. It helped me maybe it’ll help you. http://www.mybrainhealth.org/files/Gluten-induced_neurological_disease_Feb_8_2011.pdf
    my husband read a fee of your posts and laughed he hardly ever thinks what I read is funny.

  124. Hi Susan,
    nice to get a comment on my comment on your comment, you’re right i do like the word ‘formication’, I got to use ‘blivet’ twice today which was great fun and a sad reflection on my life probably. I will try to use formication tomorrow just for you.

  125. There’s a lady who posted a comment with which I completely agree! Unfortunately I don’t recall her name and as always when trying to find something, I’m unable to find it. I don’t even recall exactly what she said… just that I totally agree with it. It must have been something to the effect of “Jenny, you give meaning to my life. My mundane existence would be nothing without you, and you are my idol! If only I had half your writing talent!!”

  126. I remember having a P.O. Box before and it was useful for some time. But I didn’t have amusing experience compared to this post. The catchy quote on the towel caught my attention since it is not everyday that a person could be able to accept such innovative gift. Maybe I should try the unique stickers for amusing touch in the letters.

  127. The positive feedbacks on these mother fucker towels are numerous. It just proves how excellent the marketing is. I think they are very unique..not for everyone though. I find the quotes very amusing and I think some would make excellent gifts.

  128. As the president of our PTA, and frequent user of the phrase “knock knock mother fu
    ckers” let me be the one to invite you to come join ours. We need more homicidal monkeys to keep the children in line.

  129. Okay, all I’m saying, after admitting that the towels are fucking awesome (and that duh, of course you use crappy towels for stabbing wounds; and only for those who deserve to have their wounds staunched), is that these towels seem to present a lot of pressure to keep them aligned perfectly so that the Knock Knock lies just above Motherfucker. I prefer to throw towels carelessly on the bar and, to be honest, revealing my inner motherfucker would take more effort than I’m willing to give. Which is why I’m not as awesome as you. And I clearly don’t deserve motherfucker towels.

  130. You got stickers from SpiderCamp!! I love her! I’ve got “will bite” and some sparkly Japanese pig stickers from her in the past. Awesomeness. Brava, Bloggess.

  131. I saw a sign on a van at a dog show recently that you absofuckinglutely need, Jenny. It read “Bitch Parking Only. All Others Will Be Slapped.”
    And yeah, the woman had a buzzcut and Rottweilers. Brilliant!!!

  132. I just stuck PARA USO RECTAL SOLAMENTE into google translate. At work. I actually hope they actually monitor internet usage on these computers, because that would be pretty funny.

    Also, you would be awesome at PTA. Or at least it would make things interesting.

  133. Oh my gosh that is some funny stuff right there. I even had to call my husband and tell him all about the 5 foot chicken and these towels..

    Thanks for sharing.

  134. I think Jenny and I were separated at birth – and maybe Victor is somehow related to my dear (totally doesn’t get it) hubby! KKMF forever! 🙂

  135. Wow, I work in a pharmacy and can get most of these stickers for FREE. Maybe I can get myself kicked out of the PTA!!!

  136. Ok, so like “slf” above, I work in a pharmacy and have access to a bunch of these stickers.
    Way back in the day, in my late teens/early 20s, my younger brothers & I put “Do Not Refrigerator” stickers all over everything. My parents were not amused.

  137. I speak Spanish, so I totally guarantee you that the “Solamente para uso rectal” is a perfectly acceptable sticker 🙂

  138. Ok, now you are just making me cry. First Beyonce, now this…. I’m new here but damn girl you have hooked me. I’m a fucking fan. I want some stickers now.

  139. I have learned never to read the comments because they are so negative, and then I find this blog and venture into the comments. Wonderful! I am new to the blog, but now a huge fan! I must order these stickers. The one on the towel package was my favorite. I may have to start buying towel sets as gifts just so that I can use that sticker.

  140. Oh my God…I.Love.You. Hilarious! You need to sell shirts with catch phrases you’ve come up with. I’d buy every one.

  141. It’s 2018. I googled “knock knock motherfucker” last night under the shopping tab. Results: Metal chickens

  142. Thank you so much for writing this. I know it was long ago, but a teacher-friend shared your blog with a group of us. We are in the midst of virtual learning, and in great need of a laugh. Your sticker story is one of the best things I have ever read. I had to keep stopping to wipe my eyes I was laughing so hard! I literally haven’t laughed this much while reading since I first read “Letters from a Nut” by Ted L. Nancy. This was more ridiculous. Thank you!!

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: