Actual conversation with my husband, as we were driving down a Texas back-road yesterday:
me: OH MY GOD, WHAT WAS THAT?
me: You need to stop the car so I can get out, BECAUSE I JUST SAW A BEAR EATING GRASS ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.
Victor: Okay, I don’t even know where to start with how many things are wrong with that sentence.
me: It might have been a sasquatch. It was enormous and hairy AND WE HAVE TO GO BACK.
Victor: *sigh* It was probably a tree.
me: I think I can tell the difference between a tree and a sasquatch, thankyouverymuch.
Then Victor turned around, but he glared at me until we finally got back to the spot, and I was all “SEE. THAT THING. That’s a fucking sasquatch, dude.”
Victor: That’s a… Uh…fuck. What the hell is that thing?
me: Sasquatch. You owe me a dollar.
Victor: We weren’t betting.
me: You owe me a dollar for your lack of faith.
Victor: It looks like…Sigmund the Sea Monster.
And he was sort of right, except that sea monsters don’t exist. Then I got out of the car to take a picture with my phone and Victor was yelling at me to get back in the car, but it was too late because I was quietly sneaking up on the sasquatch, and then I realized that it was on all fours and that Sasquatches don’t crawl unless they’re looking for a contact, so I whispered back to Victor: “I think it’s a Snuffleupagus.” Then Victor rolled his eyes in disbelief, and a fairy died because of his lack of faith.
I snuck up closer and closer, and finally took a shot with my camera.
Then I whispered (in a soothing -and somewhat terrified- voice), “Heeeeere snuffles. I come in peace.” But he totally ignored me, and then Victor laid on the horn, and I screamed, and the sasqualleupagus’ butt looked up at me.
And it was a donkey.
With dreadlocks, for some reason.
Which was both disappointing and confusing all at once. Then Victor yelled at me to stop stomping through other people’s property before we both got arrested, and then I got caught on the barbed wire fence on the way back out and probably got tetanus. Then I got back in the car while screaming “YOU GUYS NEED TO BRUSH YOUR DONKEY” at no one in particular .
PS. This story would be more redeeming if the the donkey ended up being a sasquatch. I apologize. I can assure you, I’m a little sad for all of us.
(An aside to everyone telling me to call the police: The donkey is fine and is apparently supposed to look like that.)
In unrelated news, it’s Sunday! Which means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up. Let’s get started, shall we?
What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):
What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
What you missed on the internets:
- Kick-ass stuff I pinned.
- My daughter is sort of a bad-ass.
- I love that my desk mask is a reward for supporting the arts.
- I started a write-in campaign to get Wil Wheaton to win a People’s Choice award for his guest spot on The Big Bang Theory. The resulting hashtags made me furiously happy.
This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
This week’s wrap-up sponsored by the awesome people at Goodsie, who make it incredibly easy to set up your own fully-branded online shop. Sell whatever you like. Art, shirts, glass-eyes, used organs. Whatever!
*Goodsie.com asked me to clarify: “We will not help you sell your used organs. Unless ‘organs’ = ‘pianos.’ That’s probably okay. We need to talk to our lawyers.”