Someone find me a tattoo parlor

Every time I tell Victor to scratch the super-itchy part of my shoulder-blade that I can’t reach he never gets the right spot, and I get more and more frustrated and I scream “NOT THERE.  SCRATCH WHERE IT FEELS LIKE SPIDER EGGS ARE HATCHING UNDER MY SKIN”, and then he yells “You’re not pointing at anything specific” and  I explain that that’s because I can’t even reach that part of my back well enough to scratch it, much less point at it and then he inexplicably starts scratching the top of my arm for some reason and I’m like “REALLY?  Why would you think I couldn’t reach my own arm?” and he huffs and walks away and I end up having to go outside to rub my itchy shoulder-blade on the brick siding and then Victor yells at me for being semi-topless outside and for looking like I’m “giving the house a lap dance”, and then I tell him that I’ve finally decided to get a tattoo that says “What are you doing?  Here.  SCRATCH IT RIGHT HERE” since apparently he doesn’t understand shoulder-blade directions, and then he pointed out that since I’m so bad at describing things that the tattoo artist would probably put the tattoo in the wrong place as well, but that’s not true at all because I would just tell him to put the tattoo where all the bloody scratch marks are from where I had to ask a brick-wall to give me a back-rub.

Thus ends the longest, most confusing run-on sentence in the world.  I win the internet.  And so do you if you actually followed it.  Someone get us a small trophy and money for a tattoo.


In non-related news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up.  Let’s get started, shall we?

What you missed on all of my columns and blogs

  • Nothing.  I started watching Doctor Who this week and lost an entire week.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by my friend Liz (from Mabel’s House) who wrote a fabulous book entitled My (not so) Storybook Life: A Tale of Friendship and Faith. I haven’t read it yet, but judging from the bad-ass cover it’s about a girl who can levitate and who owns the exact same wallpaper I want in my office.*

*Disclaimer: Apparently this book has almost nothing to do with levitation or my office, and instead is about finding humor in the dark places and about learning to love what you already have. It’s an excellent lesson that I need to learn, although it would be easier to do if I already had that wallpaper and knew how to levitate.

194 thoughts on “Someone find me a tattoo parlor

Read comments below or add one.

  1. “…like I’m giving the house a lap dance…” is one of the greatest lines I’ve ever read. I wish my middle-school English teachers had used such an example when explaining simile to the class.

  2. I’m so mad at you. You and your pinterest biz… now I have NO time to ever clean the house or care for the children. Shit.

    And what is with husbands and shoulder blade scratching? They just can’t figure it out. And when they accidentally hit the right spot and you shout “YES!” they instantly move on to another wrong spot. Shit, again.

  3. I hear ya on the back scratching thing!! As soon as my hubby gets even close to the right spot, he starts scratching somewhere else!! I have friends who watch Dr Who. I’ve spent my time watching Super 8, winning NaNoWriMo and watching LOTR all in a row. Just posting today is impressive with getting lost in Dr Who!!! 🙂

  4. WOMAN! Tattoos make your skin itchy…. WORST. IDEA. EVER.
    I say just get a cortizone/botox injection into the skin where it’s itchy and you shall never feel a thing again.

  5. I have the SAME ISSUE with my left lower shoulder blade and my Dh. I have told him in the past I was going to tattoo the spot so he can get it every time. Maddening.

  6. My boyfriend missing the itchy spot on the shoulder is one of the worst feelings ever, but I never considered enlisting the house for help. It will be entertaining for people to see me outside in a tanktop with 20 cms of snow on the ground. Snow boots and a tank top look good together, right?

    Looking forward to my trophy.

  7. I love how the paper collator has made it into the business model at Forbes. Brilliant.

    As for the run on sentence, i had not trouble following it since i fully grok what you’re going through because as a widow one of the worst things is waking up in the middle of the night with an itch and there’s no one there to scratch it any more even though he never really got the spot even when i yelled, “bra strap line” and with my “feed the starving hordes of India rack,” that line is significant enough to warrant ditch warnings.

  8. –>You need some cat nip body wash to put on your back and then get your cats to do all the work. They could advertise the hell out of it too. We already KNOW that.


  9. My husband gave up and just scratches my back for a second and then holds still and I move around and scratch my own damn itch like a bear on a tree. It amuses him and I get my back scratched. I watched all Doctor Who from the 2005 reboot on recently myself. It started out annoying and ended up making me cry a lot. Now I’m pissed there no more endless supply whenever I feel like watching it.

  10. Hehe I totally followed you but I’m a little crazy so that may not mean much. Excellent idea! A bullseye would be hilarious with a little arrow “here ->”

  11. I don’t want to tell you what to do…but I’m not sure you’ll be as happy with that tattoo as you think you will. There’s a strong possibility that someday in the future, you’ll be itchy in a totally different spot that you can’t reach. And then what? Another tattoo? Where does it end?

  12. you might benefit from the $1.00 back scratcher from Pier 1 Imports…. I used to have 2.. one for the living room and one for the bedroom. It’s a nice alternative to screaming at your bf when they don’t get it right, which i totally admit to doing.

  13. My wife always has me scratch her back because she can’t reach any of it. It always leads to a complete breakdown in communication because she will tell me to “go right” and than she will move her back left and I am still trying to move right and eventually she just huffs and gives up.

    Maybe instead of getting a tattoo, you could take a yoga class and improve your flexibility.

  14. there’s an apprentice at the tattoo parlor i go to that does really good work. and is currently doing work half price. and he’s really nice. but it’s in new york. so the ‘half price tattoo’ may turn into ‘incredibly expensive tattoo that included round trip airfare’.

  15. As a long time farker that comes here I’m glad you make the front page occassionally. Was from there I first saw your hilariousness. And as a rabid Doctor Who fan I say week well wasted.

  16. Yes. The notebook. The “People to Kill” one for meetings.

    Does it possibly come in a size like, oh I don’t know…maybe 11×17? I wanna make sure it ain’t missed when I flip that bitch open.

  17. Fine grit sandpaper sewn strategically into your sweaters and blouses.
    You’re welcome.
    And congratulations on winning the internet. But really, where the hell are you going to put it?!?

  18. “And when they accidentally hit the right spot and you shout “YES!” they instantly move on to another wrong spot. Shit, again….”

    and “My husband gave up and just scratches (…) for a second and then holds still and I move around and scratch my own damn itch like a bear on a tree.”

    Ummm… Really? Am I really going to be the first one to point out that “back scratching” sounds an AWFUL lot like a euphemism in those two comments. But then I have sex on the brain. Like… always. So, maybe we should pretend I never said that.

  19. It’s possible that Victor’s disappointed that back scratching doesn’t lead to sex, hence the lap-dance-with-the-house reference.
    Unless back scratching DOES lead to sex, which would explain “semi-topless”.
    I’m not sure what to believe now.
    I’m gonna try my own experiment…. “Hey honey! Can you scratch my back?”

  20. I can soooo relate! I ended up buying one of those bambo back scratchers with the little hand on the end. I keep it on a hook on the side of the fridge. I swear that thing gets more moans out of me than my husband.

  21. I followed it and I totally understand. why can’t men see the freaking spider eggs hatching under our shoulderblades I think it is because they know the spiders will break through our skin and eat their fingers and they are too cowardly to scratch and get their pinkies bitten by spiders. COWARDS that’s what they are Freaking COWARDS.
    I will have a trophy but I don’t want a tatoo. Thank you anyway.

  22. My hubbin is apparently a ninja because the last time I was trying to get him to itch “the spot” I tried to show him on his own back and then I ended up giving him a back rub. WTF?! Jedi.

  23. What you ought to do, is get a tattoo of a battleship board across your back. That way, you get an awesome tattoo, and you have a means of giving directions to the appropriate spot with clear visual indicators on a grid. Bonus: when he finds the spot, you can yell, “you sunk my battleship!”

  24. My mom tried to help with the itchy back problem by giving us all metal telescoping back scratchers one year. The problem is the the scratching part felt more like roofing nails than fingernails, so each one of us stuck the damned thing down the back of our shirt, scratched vigorously, whimpered, and then tottered off to the bathroom in search of bandaids.

    I always wondered if she knew that these would remove skin before she gave them to us.

  25. My wife just got a tattoo to match one I have. She asked me where she should have it put, and I said somewhere only I kiss… I’m sure it’s the spot on her back that always itches… Well it does now!

  26. So, as Anonymous stated, I also was unable to discern your Fark headline. But I got everything else. What I was wondering was whether you got paid Wolf Blitzer as an ADVANCE on your reading of the audiobook, or if the gig is still available, to possibly another human being who doesn’t sound like James Earl Jones but reads aloud REALLY WELL? ‘Cuz, ya know, I’m available for that kinda gig. Call me, and see if I don’t have a GREAT VOICE to read your book for you? I know, you don’t have my digits YET, but you COULD. If you emailed me.

    I love you, Bloggess. Almost as much as I love Wil Wheaton. I love that he connected me to you and that you constantly reference him as well. You two are awesome.

  27. I’m ALMOST willing to lend you my husband, for back-scratching purposes only. He has magic fingers that seem to be magically attracted to any itch I ask him to scratch. I almost never even have to direct him.

  28. That isn’t art=genius. Also, I apparently am very ignorant of tumblr as I have no idea what “the popular” is. Based on what I saw there, I’m better off not knowing.

  29. Easy solution not involving needles: a taxidermied critter arm backscratcher. You can use it to fondle him while he sleeps, too.

  30. I too must get this tattoo.
    My husband has the same problem as Victor.
    It’s like they do it on purpose.

  31. I’m going to have to guess that if you were truly giving the house a lap dance, it wouldn’t be your shoulder blades that would have the bloody scratch marks. Does Victor not understand lap dancing…. at all?

  32. It’s fun to read the comments on your Wolf Blitzer story from the Fark population as compared to your pre-existing fans. My faves: You’re only funny because you’re hot. (LOVE IT) and that you’re being unethical because you’re promoting the fashion (OF WEARING WOLF HEADS?).

  33. reading this was the perfect end to the long weekend.

    AND you have totally made my plans for next week: watch doctor who and write a “how to” for men about how to give back-rubs, followed by a book about the proper way to give a lap dance to a brick wall.

  34. Tattoos itch like crazy. But you can’t itch them because if you itch the scab and it comes off you’ve just ruined your tattoo. Instead you have to slap them, lightly, because depending on the size and placement, it hurts. And slapping is a poor substitute for a really good scratch. Go with the back scratcher.

  35. When I was pregnant with my second child I was super itchy in the middle of my back, between my shoulder blades, and my husband NEVER got the spot right. He was always off by a couple of inches at least, and he would alternate between scratching so hard he left marks or barely touching it at all so either way I ended up yelling at him and contorting my arm in such a way that it was sore when I was finished scratching. This happened about every 45 minutes for 40 weeks.

  36. Careful with Doctor Who, I lost about 6 months of my life with that show, now the fun is waiting for the new seasons. You’ll never have a life again 🙂

  37. Doctor Who is the most kick-ass show in the history of television. My entire family loves the show. You should hear my 6 and 7 year old kids quote scenes. Just wait until you get to the seasons with David Tennant. OMG, he’s the best!!!

  38. I had a dream last night that Beyonce came to life and was running back and forth while my dog, Banjo chased her. Beyonce was quite scary. I blame you for this.

    I can’t hold it against you though because the People to Kill Notebook is going on my Christmas list. 🙂

  39. I found a back scratcher that looks like a small rake with a telescoping handle so it is a totally portable. It could even masquerade as a pen in a pocket protector because it has a clip like a pen! I found it at the dollar store, so keep a weather eye out and you might be able to get the right spot every time too.

    And wait until you get to the Blink episode of Dr. Who!!

  40. Glad you clarified the Fark reference, since I couldn’t find it either. You might want to at least put the date in the post to search on. Also, the Forbes link almost broke my computer. :<
    Guess I need to check into Dr. Who. Have a good week.

  41. That was a run-on? I was too engrossed to tell. And really that entire sentence needs to be tattooed on your back. It might heal the itch. And if not, just stand with your back to Victor and have him throw your cat on you…I bet that would do it 🙂

  42. I am so passionate about run on sentences. Why bother with punctuation, really? It’s so trite. Now about that itch. I think you should probably buy one of those long wooden back scratchers and just carry it around in your back pocket.

  43. I had that exact same reaction to Doctor Who. When you run out, check out Torchwood. You start right with step 3 there.

  44. I didn’t actually notice that was a run-on until you pointed it out, and I teach college English. And the tattoo-money I’m owed might have to go to rent or something since apparently I should have been fired long ago. Or, you just write really clearly – even in run-ons. Let’s go with that.

  45. I guess I win the Internet, too, ’cause I totally followed what you were saying and didn’t even realize it was a run-on sentence until you mentioned it.

  46. I have totally fallen in love with Doctor Who. I even braved a Comic-Con so I could go and buy Doctor Who shirts. I’ve become obsessed with getting a Tardis cookie jar (but really I DO want it to be bigger on the inside so that I can fit a LOT of cookies into it). I very nearly bought myself a sonic screwdriver pen, but I couldn’t justify paying the price for it.
    I ?? The Doctor

  47. Emergency Room Visit to repair back lacerations: $150
    Divorce Lawyer: $5,500
    A back-scratcher that could’ve been used to avoid the whole mess in the first place: Priceless

  48. Totally had to send this link to my hubby so he could sympathise with Victor and so he would get the joke next time I tell him to scratch the spider eggs. 🙂

  49. Dr. Who is the greatest thing ever, and I am so excited that you have been turned onto it!!! I actually have the Tenth Doctor’s sonic screwdriver. Welcome to the world of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey!

  50. Please. That sentence has nothing on Dickens.

    But in all fairness, yours was infinitely more entertaining than any of his I can think of…

  51. Congrats on becoming a Whovian! I discovered Doctor Who about a year ago, and I lost… about a year to it, so far. 😛 It only keeps getting better as time goes by, and I’ve watched every episode of the post-2005 series between 4 and 8 times now. If you haven’t already, you also really need to listen to Chameleon Circuit (totally awesome Doctor Who music) and read Search for the Truth (sometimes-even-better-than-the-show Doctor Who comics) because they are also some of the best things ever.

  52. Have you people never heard of a butter knife? The dull side makes the best back scratcher ever.

  53. I’m looking at becoming a whole body donor, which means I’m considering the following tattoo:

    Congratulations on your acquisition of this previously used corpus*!

    Properly refrigerated, embalmed, mummified, plastinated, stuffed or rendered, this Caucasian Female is sure to satisfy most modern postmortem needs for many experiments to come. Every corpus we supply meets the most rigorous standards. Each one is thoroughly checked for a)life, b)potential after-life, and c)foreign embryonic matter**.

    *Due to the individual nature of corpora and the uncertainties of life, it may not have been possible to supply a complete corpus.

    **While the most current methodologies are used it is possible that a mutated form of the Z-virus may be present or that a hither fore unknown/undetected alien race may be present. All contact with the corpus is undertaken at own risk.

    All corpora provided as is. Absolutely No Refunds.”

    Of course, it’s long and I’m worried about typos so it’s not going to happen. Maybe I should just carry around a laminated card. Ooo! I’ll get one of those bracelets with medical info on it, but really big to fit everything! But then I’d be worried that an EMT would see it and not try to save be because I’m obviously already dead. Okay, how about this; I’ll print a laminated card and give it to my sister to give to the ME when I’ve been confirmed dead and am ready to be shipped out. Perfect!

    Excuse me, I have to call my sister and convince her that this is a good idea.

  54. AMEN Sista! It’s just like sex….once they get almost to the spot…they go poken’ around somewhere else and totally miss the WHOLE point.

  55. Re: back scratching….My chubby hubby (his choice nickname, not mine) doesn’t even ask me to scratch, he goes straight for the door, wall, closest edge. His back is bloody and scarred for real. Get the damn tattoo or else you’re going to be easily identifiable in the morgue from the scars anyway.

  56. I can definitely relate to your experience. My and my wife have problems doing the scratching thing too. Our option is to give our bedroom door a “lap dance”. At least there’s no concern on us going semi-topless.

    On another note, I almost had a great headache on the run on sentence.

  57. I share your love of the complex sentence and it is one of the things I treasure most about your writing. “The Elements of Style” paradoxically has sucked the style out of the writing of everyone foolish and bland enough to follow Strunk and White’s advice. Fortunately for me, I read Louisa May Alcott in my formative years as a writer. Complex sentences rule.

  58. Since I read the whole run on sentence, does that mean I can get the same tattoo too? Because I TOTALLY have that same itching issue. I haven’t tried giving my house a lap dance though, so maybe that’s the problem.

  59. I too have my husband position his hand and then I move my body to get him to the right spot. This method has multiple applications.

  60. When I was younger my mother bought back scratcher that was a severed aligator claw on a stick. Whenever we used it, it left long red scratches that looked like the aligator as getting revenge for his lost limb. As you are yourself a collector of fine taxidermied crafts, I recommed a similar sollution.

  61. What if you wear the Wolf Blitzer hoodie backwards? I’m sure those fangs would make a great back scratcher.

  62. I use one of those pronged pasta ladle server spoons…or whatever they’re called. One of my daughters asked why I had it in my room and I said I kept it for a backscratcher, because I’d gone for decades without ever needing one for pasta. All she said was, “Ewwww….GROSS!!!”

    But, hey, it works great.

  63. When did you invade my life??? A hairline fracture on my shoulder blade in 2005 (from some idiot kid pulling out in front of my hubby and I on a motorcycle) has caused my shoulder blade to itch incessantly, and hubby can NEVER find it or scratch it hard enough! Of course I can’t reach there… it’s arrgh! I’ve even reached back there with a butter knife to scratch!

    I came home from work today, and he informed me he was paying for a tattoo for me. He’s not getting off that easy.

  64. I am so getting my daughter your “people to kill” notebook. She had a list in high school of people she wanted to maim or kill. I was so afraid some authoritative type would find it. And yet sometimes I would text her and say “Put Cindy, the cashier at Walmart on the list.” Between the two of us, that list got pretty long. We definitely need a book.

    Men. You’d think they get enough experience scratching they’d get good at it.

  65. We call that part of your back your “chicken wing.” As in, “everyone’s chicken wings are always so damn itchy.” And, “Scratch my chicken wing, hurry!”

  66. BRICKS. what an idea.

    coincidentally… the scratching from the tattoo needle would 100% be the best therapy for that itch.

  67. I’m with Victor! The whole time I was reading this I was thinking ‘The tattoo will probably be in the wrong spot too”!! Hahahaha!

  68. My husband also has a difficult time finding the correct place on my back to scratch. I tried the “no-fail” method of “picture a map of the USA on my back…now scratch Maryland”….turns out he must have failed geography in school. Should have married a Rhodes scholar……

  69. Your going to have to tell us which Doctor you started with. I remember watching the Tom Baker shows that my uncle liked when I was a kid at my Grandparent’s house, but I didn’t really get into Doctor Who until the first season with David Tennent came out on DVD. Once we were able to afford cable, well we haven’t looked back. My daughter loves them and we have to look for the books at Half Price every time we go. Although there have been episodes that she watched with her hands over her eyes, peeking between her fingers.

  70. I swear if I get pregnant again, I’m going to get a tattoo telling the doctor exactly where to insert the epidural. And another one telling the other doctor where to cut my uterus out.

  71. It should be noted that he will never manage to get the itch because the itch moves as soon as the scratching gets near it! Or at least that’s what happens to me.

    Also, I <3 Doctor Who.

  72. Sewing scissors, those large kitchen carving forks and bamboo skewers… all wonderful for extra itchy shoulder blades!

  73. Ummm… speaking of toplessness, am I the only one who noticed that in the “Shit I did…” cartoon, The Bloggess wears a bra or something in the center drawing, but in the black and white drawings on either side, she’s apparently naked as a jaybird?

    Maybe those depict her getting ready to go out and perform some exotic dance moves for a brick wall or something. (And why do they call it exotic dancing? Seems like ‘erotic dancing’ is more accurate. I guess they’re pretty much the same thing. Put in an X or an R, people will know what you mean.)

    I’ll quit now.

  74. I’ve seen this before with another fabulous Blogger – Simian Idiot- the RBIOU had spider eggs in her weenus. I never asked what her weenus is, but I do know they hatched. The Rev. can probably help.

  75. Do you have the same shouting match about getting a back rub and when you say “Oh yep. Right there.” and he goes “Here?” and you go “No, where you were before. Yes, right there.” and he goes “Here?” and you scream “NO!! WHERE YOU WERE THE LAST HUNDRED TIMES I SAID ‘OH YEP. THERE!!!!'” and then he goes “THIS IS WHY I DON’T GIVE YOU BACK RUBS!!” and then you shout “THIS IS WHY I HAVE TO KEEP ASKING FOR THEM!!!” and you end up cold (because your shirt is off, of course), with a sore back, AND a headache? That’s Can You Scratch My Back’s ugly 2nd cousin thrice removed My Back Is Sore Can You Rub It.

  76. This is going to sound like a really bizzarre suggestion… but I suggest getting a softish plastic pocket comb, and use it to scratch your back.
    As for myself, it adds just enough reach to let me hit those evil spots on my back.
    Or, having Victor use it… it scratches a wide enough area that he’s bound to hit the right spot even if only by accident. My partner swears by combs now that I’ve shown her the light 🙂

  77. I am insanely excited that you have started watching Dr. Who. I started about 6 months ago and I promise you, the obsession grows.

  78. I have 31 tattoos! My 31st was a halloween one! Weird huh? I say get it, but get it in a different language! That way it looks CLASSY! <3

  79. I get my 7 year old to scratch my back. She sucked at first, but now she’s getting pretty good. She’s also a lot more patient than my husband! You might also want to get a back scratcher! You don’t have to do it outside! LOL

  80. I know you are posting this at a reasonable reading time in Texas but by the time you do I am normally in bed in the UK. So my Monday morning has changed from, Oh God I don’t want to get up and start another week in work to Oh God, am I going to choke on my breakfast but still feel great and look forward to the day ahead as I sit at the breakfast table and read your insane ravings and once again you have not let me down, you should ask for a fee from UK employers for getting us in on a good mood in a Monday morning and BTW I think I now have the longest sentence, beats No 10 and another BTW is that my wife totally sucks AT SCRATCHING MY BACK and I have to use the nearest door available to me in the house.

    Oh, and Ishbel has a little Red Devil tattooed on her shoulder for me to scratch and if I get it right I can be as devilish as I want, just sayin…. Lurv U xx

  81. I would just like to say that my husband can never reach my itchy spot either that happens to be located on the side of my shoulder blade. Even though I give him perfect directions. He is the worst back scratcher EVER!

  82. OMG, I so feel you! I started rewatching the recent series starting with the 9th doctor, and omg, LOVE!!! I can’t figure out which one is my favorite, so I’ve basically decided that my favorite doctor is whichever one I happen to be watching at the moment. That way, they all get equal love.

  83. I know exactly what you mean about it feeling like spider eggs are hatching underneath your skin. And to the one who made a comment about spiders not hatching eggs; she said ‘where it FEELS like…’, not ‘where there are…’ which are two completely different things. It does feel like that and it does make you scream. Just does.
    There are some great suggestions in the comments today. I especially liked the one about sucking Victor’s knee. I have no idea how that may help with the itching, but perhaps it’s a means to make him so confused, the innate urge to avoid the correct itching spot pointed to, temporarily disappears and he’ll hit all the correct spots directed to 3 times in a row. If you have success with this, I’d like to know, because I’d need to start doing that regularly to my hubby.

    Warning: metal telescoping back scratchers are semi murder weapons and should be used with extreme caution or avoided all together. I’ve tried one. I named him Master Pain.

  84. I gave up asking the husband to scratch my shoulder correctly. I think I should install one of those rope like scratching posts on an unused wall just like my cat has. 🙂 Damn cat has a better clue than the husband – and I won’t have to hear husband harrumphing when I have an itch…

  85. Jenny,

    Saw this and completely thought of you. Congrats, you’ve now infiltrated my Monday morning coffee and NYT habit … 🙂

    Dear Diary:

    After the late-summer hurricane, a piece of the ceiling inside our garage in Brooklyn fell and with it, a well-preserved, mummified rodent!

    At the suggestion of my visiting brother-in-law, I contacted Obscura Antiques, a store in the East Village that, according to one reviewer, has “an amazing, eclectic collection of things you didn’t know existed in the first place. Lots of old medical curios, unusual taxidermy, and other objects that defy description.”

    The woman who answered the phone turned down my offer of the creature with, “I’m sorry; we’re up to our capacity in mummified rodents.”

  86. I once locked myself in my apartment for six days because I started watching Doctor Who…everyone thought it was completely unhealthy, I thought it was awesomely efficient.

  87. ” I started watching Doctor Who this week and lost an entire week.” Oh thank god I’m not the only one that happened to. I think I am safe for now, but supposedly there is a Christmas special I will have to try to catch, and then another season in the spring? It’s like when you first move out and realize that dinner is something that must be obtained every night and you’re like “what? I thought I just did this! Damnit!”

  88. You probably dont read everyone comments, but can I just say that I ran into your blog by mistake, and I am so freakingn glad I did – You are freaking funny – I was typing my own blog in to google search just to see if had reached fame yet, but no, THERE YOU WERE…but Its okay, one day I will be up there with you – Thanks for the laughs chica! Besos – gosh I sound so from the border…lol

  89. I didn’t even realize that was a run-on sentence until you pointed it out. It made total sense. If you add periods, it inserts a pause into the sentence, which gives rude motherfuckers a chance to interrupt your brilliant stream of consciousness, which means you have to acknowledge their statements and try to get back on track, whatever “on track” means for you.

  90. I check Fark daily for my news updates and wearing a wolf to the movies is more newsworthy in my opinion than the current Egypt crisis so Fark is the shit.

  91. You need one of those shirts that has a grid on the back so you can call out “J-3”, like a game of Battleship. Or better yet, draw the magic spot on a shirt. Less expensive and less permanent than the tattoo. Meanwhile, this post has made my back feel very itchy.

  92. I think it’s impossible for men to give women directions and vice versa. Why? Because women are spatially challenged – we say 8 inches when it’s really 5, or sadly even less – and men are crappy listeners. The only way around it is to get a tattoo (The Bloggess is a genius!) or date the same sex.

  93. I greatly appreciated Zazzle’s sense of humor or complete obliviousness when the product it offered me as something else I might like in conjunction with the “People to Kill” notebook was a vintage Santa Claus one.

  94. At least Victor has fingernails – & therefore a fighting chance of SOMEDAY getting it right. My hubby’s nubs rubbing against the itchy spot just make me want to slap somebody.

  95. Ahahahaha I’m so glad you discovered Doctor Who! And then, once you get through it all, you’ll want to go back and watch the old-timey episodes as well. It. Is. Addictive. Also- have you gotten to the Donna (Catherine Tate) season yet? She wins the world as the Doctor’s companion. Also, she and David Tennant are apparently working on a new film of Much Ado About Nothing. Heaven.

  96. You described the interaction between me and my unable-to-follow-scratching-directions husbamd to a tee except that I use the doorframe in the kitchen. Idiots.

  97. Adore the blog-and love the fact that I saw someone I know (in person) in the comments. Hello, Deborah Lipp! Anhoos. I am surprised nobody suggested doing henna (NEVER BLACK HENNA THO!) Have one of your friends find that spot & have her write whatever you want her to in that area. And follow directions -let it dry before you put a shirt on! depending on how good the henna is, and how well your skin accepts it, it could be on there for weeks. It doesn’t hurt. No needles involved. Check this out:

  98. You need a tattoo that covers your whole back and divides it up into “zones”… a map. Maybe a map of africa since it is kind of back shaped….Then you can tell Victor to scratch “Egypt” or “The Ivory Coast”….or Botswana if you are feeling frisky….

  99. While touring some Mayan ruins on our honeymoon in Belize, I noticed my husband was missing from group. I saw him a few minutes later scracthing his back on the side of a temple like a bear. Gotta do what you gotta do!

  100. You know what I just realized? I have yet to hear you mention American Horror Story. Is it really possible that you, lover of all things horror-related and awesome person who has always heard of the coolest stuff first, could be unaware of the most wonderful show to ever grace television?

    Seriously, though, if you haven’t checked out American Horror Story… Do it. Do it now. I promise that you will not be disappointed. (It’s on FX and some of the episodes are on Hulu, although not all the episodes, because Hulu is run by a bunch of moron jackasses…)

  101. If it were that easy to give our husbands directions as to which bodily regions need attention, I have a feeling there would be a lot of tatoos like the one you describe for your shoulder. Only not on the back of the body and about 18 inches south of the shoulder…..

  102. I’ve got a ball point pen and a sewing needle, if you’ve got booze, we can do a prison tattoo for you anytime you’re ready. Just let me know.

  103. Bloggess, it has come to my attention that we need to be friends in a totally not creepy facebook stalking kind of way. We have so much in common: you have cats, I like cats. You like taxidermy, I once tried to convince my fiance that we absolutely need a stuffed bear and a dinosaur in the house. See? So much in common!
    Anyways, I thought you might enjoy some inspirational quotes. I mean who DOESN’T love inspirational quotes? Dead people, that’s who. And maybe dolphins (fucking assholes).

  104. The pasta serving spoon thingy does it for me … although maybe you should look into finding a Belgian husband. As a New Zealander, on her second husband, I have been very impressed by his back-scratch-directions ability. Failing that, the plastic pasta serving spoon thing works for me. Better than brick I’m thinking.

  105. I’m addicted to being scratched as some weird stress reliever. Most of my evenings are spent on the couch with my husband, barking out orders as to where to scratch me. Then, if he wanders from that spot, or gets distracted and stops, I become deeply agitated. Then he get irritated because I have the balls to be agitated, then I start apologizing so he doesn’t get pissed and stop.

    Something’s wrong with me.

  106. Oh, you mentioned Doctor Who… I’ve been wondering if that would be appropriate for my 9 yr old. I’ve only seen it a couple of times but that was LONG ago.

  107. Brick walls and door jams make the best back scratchers ever. How big is this trophy gonna be, just need to know so we can collect enough money….

  108. Oh for Pete’s sake! Where were my Do Not Disturb stickers and People to Kill notebook over Thanksgiving? I really, really could have used both to deal with the large man with no concept of personal space seated next to me on the plane.

  109. All husbands attend the same Useless Back Scratchers of America Club meetings. Probably half of them also graduated with honors from Prevent Her from EVER Asking for a Backrub University. You giving the corner of your house a lap dance backwards in your undershirt was more of a mental image than I could bare. I peed.
    Thank you.

  110. OMFG I have almost this exact conversation every night. Except I say to the right and he moves like 6 inches over, then I say back and he goes back to where he was. It is like he could scratch every other spot in the universe except where I am itchy. It usually ends in me yelling “Weasley could do it better” (our cat) and finding a hairbrush to scratch my own back. Maybe I should get a back scratcher for christmas. Or get him a diagram.

  111. Yeah… I have totally given up…. Although my cat does do a pretty good job. Unfortunately she loses interest in about 15 seconds or less… bummer.

  112. They don’t even try when it comes to the shoulder blade. They DON’T EVEN TRY. And why only scratch for like 2 seconds? Is scratching so TIRING? Personally, that spot in the middle of my back where I can neither rid myself of a zit nor an itch is ALWAYS itchy. Always. It’s itchy right now, but The Man’s not home, so I’ll have to use this really scratchy pen that my son chewed the crap out of. It will be very sharp, but it’s either that or a wooden spoon, and we all know how wooden spoons suck.

    Thank you for the laugh!

  113. Wait wait wait Doctor Who? Do you mean all the way back to the 1960’s? Fopr the love of all that is holy, don’t start all thye way at the beginning, or you won’t emerge from the TV room until you’re a grandmother.

  114. I almost asphyxiated myself (by laughing and coughing so hard) reading your post today. I swear you and Victor are my fiance and my “personality doppelgangers”! 🙂 we would so have that argument, down to the semi-topless lap dance for the house! thank you for always making my day!

  115. I {heart} tattoos…although they can be itchy in cold, dry weather…no matter, I LOVE tattoos!

    I couldn’t sleep last night so I watched “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” at two in the morning…saw an ad for Psych and apparently, William Shtaner will make a guest appearance on Psych this Wednesday…I think I’m gonna watch…

    Nonetheless, I {heart} tattoos!

    To infinity and beyond!

    Prevail~Tattoo Girl (sending magic and light flowing strongly your way)

  116. Hey,
    I know you love all things taxidermy – have you seen this?

    European museum animals up to no good after dark in the corridors….. It’s got you written all over it. Oh, and thankyou for Wolf Blitzer, I laughed so hard, and mu hubby did too when I showed him the pics. He knows you as ‘that blogger who got her husband a 5 ft chicken for their wedding anniversary’!

  117. Barefoot Liz – “Oh, you mentioned Doctor Who… I’ve been wondering if that would be appropriate for my 9 yr old. I’ve only seen it a couple of times but that was LONG ago.”

    It depends on the kid, of course, but probably. I’ve been watching it with my five-year-old for a while now, and we haven’t had any problems. From what I understand it’s actually made with 8- or 9-year-olds in mind, it’s just also made so that adults tend to enjoy it just as much. If your kid is sensitive to scary stuff you might want to check out the individual episodes first, though; most of them aren’t too bad but some have been known to scare adults (especially The Empty Child and anything with Weeping Angels.)

  118. Your commentary was so riveting that I did not even realize that it was a run on sentence until you pointed it out and then I was all offended and such due to your lack of respect for the english language but still found it funny enough so that I immediately forgave you for your run on sentenceness and felt the need to tell you so it would not weight on your mind as I am sure it did for the all of 45 seconds it took me to read it and to think to myself “Wow, that Jenny needs to get a bullseye tattoo that simply states ‘scratch here'”.

  119. Once again you have helped me to not do laundry or clean my house! But I am much happirer that way!

  120. Hahah glad to know I am not the only one with an ‘itchy spot of dewm’.. I keep telling my husband I should get a tattoo that says ‘scratch here’.. but with my luck the bombarding by the tattoo needle would cure the itchy spot and the new ink would be moot.

  121. Hey, what happened to the Christmas Cards?! If they sold out then I am very happy for you, but very sad for me.

  122. Ages ago I saw a sitcom (I think it was Married People) where the wife pretended there was a map of the US on her back and shouted out instructions that way. “Wyoming! Now Idaho! Kansas!” I tried it with my husband – he didn’t always get the right spot but we laughed a lot at his lack of geographical knowledge. Then I bought a wooden back scratcher.

  123. Lovely.

    One silly question since I’m a little OCD about stuff… the notebooks are cool. Are they blank pages or ruled… and if so are they wide or college ruled?

  124. So glad you discovered The Doctor. It is outlandishly absurd and the most wonderful thing on TV. 🙂

  125. One of my most favorite possessions is a bamboo back scratcher thingie. I practically orgasm from it. Husband sometimes complains that he gets more moans and “oh yeahs” from scratching my back all over than anything sexual *snickers*

    I see your reverse-humping-of-a-brick-wall and raise you reverse-humping-of-a-clothing-rack-in-Kohls. And I don’t mean buried deep in the overcrowded women’s section. I mean in the front of the store, in between the checkout lanes and the front doors. Where people could see me. And the cashier gave me the dirtiest look. I was all “what….? my back was itchy!” but in retrospect I can see how that probably um…looked bad.

  126. I swear our husbands are related! And I must have stolen your shoulder blade( sorry, I didn’t know) because I have same issue. Mainly on the right one, sometimes the left. Depending on which one itches you maybe I didn’t steal your shoulder blade ( I don’t want to “Colbert” you). My husband can kind of get the right spot, he just can’t seem to scratch deep enough. I usually end up with bloody scratch marks on my back from scratching in my sleep.

  127. I followed it even though my eyes were half closed from laughing most of the way through. YEAH! *hi-fives you*

  128. Thank you for your funnies. You are keeping me from buying more shit on Amazon. But now I am thinking about getting a tattoo.

  129. I completely understand what you mean! I’ve had rotator cuff surgery two times on my left shoulder and once on my right. Not easy to reach much of anything on my back anymore.

    The left one has some permanent nerve damage that includes, but is not limited to: itches/tickles/tingles. Sometimes they occur individually; sometimes all at once.

    It’s near the bottom “pointy part” of my left shoulder blade. It’s worse that I can’t get to it because I’m no longer really flexible in my right shoulder because of THAT surgery. I had to reach over my left shoulder, cup my right elbow in my left hand, and push my right arm over and down far enough to reach the itch. I did find a solution: I searched eBay for “back scratcher” and found the perfect solution for about $5. AND IT’S METAL. None of that sissy-ass bamboo nonsense. It also has a soft-grip handle so it doesn’t slip out of your hand mid-scratch. You can really dig with that damn thing. Probably could draw blood. I think I’ve come pretty close to a scratchgasm with it. And it’s telescopic! Discreetly tucks away in a purse! It’s like if someone married one of those old retractable car antennas with the “forky” part of a rake from a child’s play farm set. I call it “Frankenscratcher.” It is absolutely magnificent. No more instructions for Victor. No perplexing tattoos if you have to wear a backless dress. No wondering if the tattoo artist really would accidentally put the directions in the wrong spot. I would send you the eBay link but didn’t want you to think this was some garbage solicitation email.

  130. Yeah, so this blog just totally reminded me of how completely sexually frustrated I am. I could give the house, the garage, our car and the neighbor a lap dance, and my husband wouldn’t even notice. OR, he would just use it as an opportunity to ask me to get him a beer while I’m “up.” I’ve resorted to the wooden back scratchers and my new, vibrating friend. Satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back.

  131. Oh, and by the way, the Dr. is AWESOME. I’m looking for plans online to build my own, full-sized TARDIS. Can’t wait! Squee!

  132. I enjoyed this post so much that I’m going to have that entire run-on sentence tattooed on me so I can enjoy it again any time I like.

  133. I cannot believe how abhorrently selfish, unappreciative, rude, insensitive, and entitled 95% of the women replying to this post are. You’re all damn lucky your husbands even want, or take the time to scratch your backs at all. If any of you were my wife the only way i’d come near your back would be with a friggin hatchet….maybe that would relieve the itch. A back scratch is one of the most loving, selfless, easiest, and caring things to give to a person and it’s like pulling 4 teeth at once to get my wife to even scratch MY back, let alone satisfy the itch. My wife would never even dream of asking me if i’d like my back scratched and when i ask her to do it she acts as though i’ve asked her to murder our child. Men LOVE having their backs scratched, we’re actually born with the “back scratch gene”…i’d bet money they’re gonna find that out one day.

Leave a Reply