Last week my friend Suebob pointed me toward an enormous taxidermied wolf on Etsy THAT YOU CAN WEAR.
It was made of awesome, and I was able to verify that the wolf died of old age/kidney failure so I could buy it with a clear conscience and PETA couldn’t throw blood at me when I wore it at formal events. I told Victor that I would name him “Wolf Blitzer” and that I would use him as a sleeping bag on cold airplanes (and also to menace anyone who took my arm-rest.) Victor pointed out that airport security gets uptight about snow globes and nail-clippers so they probably wouldn’t let me bring a wolf on a plane as carry-on, but I was already formulating a plan to make Wolf Blitzer my service-animal-companion since I have chronic panic attacks, and airplanes have to recognize disabilities. Like the disability of not being able to be relax on a cold plane without some xanax and a dead wolf snuggie named Wolf Blitzer. Victor started to argue with me but then he gave up because Wolf Blitzer was very expensive and he knew I couldn’t justify paying that much for a blanket with claws. And he was right. Which is why I immediately went on Kickstarter to submit an application for a fundraiser to help me pay for a dead wolf to wear on plane rides. I labeled it under “Performance Art” and promised to repay patrons by sharing photos of me wearing it to the Twilight opening.
Kickstarter responded almost immediately: “Thank you for taking the time to share your idea. Unfortunately, this isn’t the right fit for Kickstarter.” Because apparently Kickstarter doesn’t appreciate helping people with disabilities.
I was about to give up when I found out that the person I’d originally chosen to read my audiobook (James Earl Jones) was not responding to my emails and so instead I would have to read my own damn book, and I told my agent that I’d do it but only if I could be paid in dead wolf snuggies. Then there was an awkward pause and I explained that I’d wear it while recording my book, and that way Wolf Blitzer would be a tax deduction, and she said she needed to go. Probably because talking about tax law is super-boring.
When I explained to Zhon (the girl who made Wolf Blitzer) that I needed him quickly (because I was Team Jacob and needed him for opening weekend) she didn’t even pause to question me. Because she’s awesome. And also because she once made a life-size Tauntaun to wear, so she’s really not in any position to judge me.
me: I just bought Wolf Blitzer so that I can wear him to see Twilight-part-whatever, but you can’t yell at me because he didn’t cost anything.
Victor: How the hell did that happen?
me: I bartered for him in trade for narrating my own audiobook.
Victor: AND THIS IS WHY YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE FINANCIAL DECISIONS WITHOUT ME.
me: No way. That was a great financial decision. I feel all in touch with my 1/64th Native American heritage. I just bartered a story for a dead wolf head-dress. I’m like Pocahontas, but with an audiobook.
Victor: My head hurts.
Wolf Blitzer arrived. And he was MAGNIFICENT. But Victor refused to take me and my dead wolf to the movies because apparently he’s Team Edward. Luckily, my friends Maile and Laura were willing to come along for the ride. Laura dressed up as a member of the Volturi because we thought it would be funny to have some sort of West Side Story dance-fight at the theater. Maile hadn’t actually read the Twilight books and so I tried to convince her to wear my Bigfoot costume, and I told her that Bigfoot totally played a huge part in this movie. And then at the end I’d be like “I can’t believe they cut the Bigfoot part out! He was so integral to the book!” but Maile has known me for far too long to trust me and so instead she dressed up as a very cynical friend who doesn’t understand how fun it is to wear a Bigfoot costume to the movies.
We laughed. We cried. Maile saw some very conservative looking friends and casually introduced Laura and I without explaining at all why we were dressed as werewolves and Draculas. I took a picture with a very brave stranger who asked what my deal was. I told her I was here to see the Muppet Movie. She looked confused.
My work there was done.
You want pictures, don’t you? Fine. Here they are. Because Wolf Blitzer and I love you. Much more than Kickstarter does. Apparently.
Eventually they let us into the theater and we drank copiously. Laura and I rooted for our respective teams and Maile photographed the debacle. It’s sort of amazing that we weren’t kicked out of the theater.
And it was awesome, except for the part when all the werewolves started talking to each other WITH THEIR MINDS and then it got really stupid and I leaned over to Laura and Maile and whispered, “Okay. Right now, for the first time all night? I’m kind of embarrassed to be wearing a giant wolf suit.” And they nodded sympathetically, because that’s what good friends do.
527 thoughts on “It’s like a hoodie. But with fangs.”
Read comments below or add one.
…am laughing… and snorting… and the husband is confiscating the lap-top….
WORTH IT! XO
I’m so insanely jealous! I want a Wolfe Blitzer of my very own, plus I wish my best friend lived closer. Sigh…why did I choose to live in Alaska? Thanks for giving me the giggles while I try my damnedest to conquer this horrid cold.
HA! that is AWESOME! You have amazing bartering powers! AMAZING!
And I love the wolf!
This is the most epic thing I have every been privy to. You are my hero. And then some.
omg, you are freaking awesome!!!
I totally love you. And your wolf suit.
I fucking LOVE you. LOVE. This is the greatest thing EVER.
Your very own Wolf Blitzer can almost make even the Twilight crap entertaining… almost.
Tomorrow when my mother goes around the table and asks each person to name one thing he or she is thankful for, I’m going to say, “Jenny Lawson wearing Wolf Blitzer.”
Later that night, when I’m eating Thanksgiving dinner at Chuck-a-rama because my mother kicked me out of her house, it will have totally been worth it.
And if you get tired of calling him Wolf Blitzer, you can now just call him Blitz and know that it’s Herman Cain™ approved!
Oooh, did I just trademark Herman Cain’s name? Oh snap!
OMG. Bloggess. How I love thee. And wish you lived in California so my friend Nikki and I could partake in your shenanigans. I kid you not, Nikki and I will walk through a Beverley’s/Michael’s/Ikea and can’t be trusted to not wear/touch throughout the store. It’s a wonder we haven’t been kicked out yet. I wish I could attach a pic onto this comment to prove that Nikki was Team Jacob months ago. It was a hat/scarf/wolf combo but it was entirely too hot to purchase so we left it behind. Anyway, you are so randomly awesome and you should really consider comin’ out here to California, I guarantee you’d have a motley crew at your beck and call. 😛
There was no booze when I went to see Twilight…. no one in a giant wolf suit either. Or a Volturi cape. I’m all sorts of pissed off right now!
I would’ve thought you’d get William Shatner to do the audio book. He owes you a favor.
Please tell me you’ll wear it to parent teacher conferences.
dammit. I wanted to leave that to stand on its own, but I feel obligated to mention that I do know how to spell Jealous, I just wanted to spell it wrong.
OK. If I have to see the Twilight movies, I will only watch it if Jenny is there wearing Wolf Blitzer.
Who votes for a nationwide movie theater tour?
I feel so abnormal most of the time. And then I read your blog and feel super normal but laugh like a crazy person. I’m so glad I stumbled upon your blog last year.
Photos are brilliant. When are the holiday cards coming out? Sign me up for Wolf & Co.
This world needs more Wolf Blitzer. I would stalk the aisles of my grocery store, hunter-gathering my heart out. It would be awesome.
You truly are my heroine! Wolf Blitzer is beyond the awesome and it’s a much better costume than sparkly body paint.
You look very warm and cozy wearing Wolf Blitzer, I think it was an excellent purchase.
But even better because you bartered for him.
You’re a total package Jenny, beauty and brains. Yay you.
I like your hoodie lady!! Kind of want to pet it…. (that just sounds wrong)
There is just no end to the awesome that is you. Glad you got your snuggie. But, it’s still creepy.
Oh Lord! There are no words. Well, maybe there’s one – envy. Wolf Blitzer envy. Why is it that I can instantly think of 10 things I could do with that dead wolf? Can you not envision grocery shopping in that? No, no, school!!! Or, wait…
If you ever get the chance to meet Wolf Blitzer, please promise me you’ll wear Wolf Blitzer.
Feel free to “confuse” the two. On air.
I have never, ever been prouder. This is like the soccer trophy of my dreams. Except that I never played soccer.
though dead & stuffed (does it count as stuffed if it’s a person inside?) he REALLY looks bored in that tweeting volturi photo! Maybe a cameo in PT 2? P.s. what does a humanely taxidermied wolf who died of kidney failure smell like exactly?
Frankly… Words don’t describe how awesome/amazing/insane this, and you are… So happy you GOT IT!
And here I thought my son in his velvet leopard print cat suit in Target was getting a lot of looks…
Wolf Blitzer is seriously the coolest thing ever.
How embarassing is it for a grown woman to wet her pants while sitting up in a fancy-schmancy bed belonging to her dear, sweet, generous friend who is hosting her for an ENTIRE WEEK so she can get the hell out of Middle of Nowhere, Michigan because she needs a break forgodssake, happily surfing the internets, catching up on blogs she hasn’t had time to read when all of a sudden out of freaking nowhere comes a story about a television journalist-turned-lycanthrope and the giddy woman who bought him, and the grown woman wonders if perhaps that’s not some sort of prostitution, but decides it must not be if one isn’t actually doing the wolfy deed with the Blitz and the very thought of that has an effect on the margarita-filled bladder of said woman and dammit…just how embarassing do you suppose it is to try to explain the pile of laundry generated by one flipping blog post? Very. Just, very.
Oh. My. Gawd.
You cannot get any more awesome. No, really, you can’t. And I am so showing this to Mr.Spouse, so that he will finally understand that things like this are BUSINESS NECESSITIES! (He’s still convinced I don’t need a life sized elephant topiary in my office, the rube)
Ugh, you totally stole my idea…I am Team Jacob all the way..
Seriously, I’m pretty sure this get-up is competition for the radness that is Beyonce…you know knock knock..
I LOVE THAT THIS HAPPENED.
Between the mental health resources and this, I don’t know what to be most thankful for at dinner tomorrow. I’ll probably just say The Bloggess.
I’m pretty sure the drafthouse has never thrown anyone out for any reason. My favourite part: “I told her I was here to see the Muppet Movie”. I have nothing clever to say because you have used it all up today. But I will be back. And i *will* be clever!
Damn. Lady made a Tauntaun costume. Now that takes some special dedication.
Thank you for sharing the photos! I needed that chuckle 🙂
I went in costume too- as a heavily pregnant woman. Except I wasn’t carrying a moster vampire baby. And it wasn’t really a costume. It was just a coincidence. It was a little embarrassing actually, LOL. Awk.ward.
I’m sure you got much more interesting reactions though! I would have loved to have seen those: priceless.
I’m glad you didn’t go to the Alamo Village premiere. That would have been AWKWARD and all since I was wearing my Robert Pattin-skin snuggie.
The picture of you buying your movie ticket!!!!!!!!!!! THE BEST!!!!!!
So. Fucking. Awesome.
Best part? Wolf Blitzer can TOTALLY double as a wolfy version of a bear-skin rug when you’re not wearing him… no more guilt about leaving your clothes on the floor! Score.
Whenever anyone points out that having mannequins and other assorted body parts in my home doesn’t qualify as interior decorating, it’s comforting to know there’s one person who would understand, and (hopefully) approve. Keep being you, Jenny. You are awesome.
Is it a little bit sad that the first thing I noticed is that you and I have the same glasses? I think this means we’re meant to be best friends or something. Only I don’t have a wolf costume. I did dress up as a zombie last year though. Zombies and werewolves can be friends, right?
If you wear Wolf Blitzer and Uggs at the same time does that make you a Wolf in Sheep’s clothing?
xoxo. Love you!
Its the Alamo draft house – excellence in silliness is encouraged, they only kick you out for using your phone.
you are so awesome. I can’t believe you really wore it outside of your house. or inside.
Is she still selling the Tauntan?
this would probably be the only way id go see Twilight something or other movie, ONLY WAY
I just laughed so hard that I accidentally snorted porridge out of my nose. (For context, I’m currently eating breakfast.)
It wasn’t very nice.
Ok so now I’m late for work because I wasted a good few minutes rolling around laughing then another few being reprimanded by a 3 year old mini me for not being able to control myself. Its all good though as I can explain to the boss that I saw a woman in a wolf at the cinema and it made me late …
You look great. That wolf really makes you look tall. wow.
Holy jesus christ on a cracker.
So amazingly awesome. I Fucking hate the Twilight movies, but now, NOW, I love them.
Also, you look hot.
I don’t even have the words to say how much I love you. You might possibly be the most awesome person I dont know but wish I did.
I have been keeping completely ignorant of the Twilight series because I can’t let anything get in the way of my Harry Potter fanatacism. Also, the plot sounded annoying, and the characters.
Now, for the first time, because of the pictures of you and Wolf Blitzer, I feel a tiny tingling at the back of my head. . . . Could be interest in Twilight. . . . Could be discomfort at how sexy I think you look are in a wolf suit.
Also, thank you for introducing me to the term, “ethically taxidermied.” I think.
Oh my fucking Christ you look hot in Wolf Blitzer! Also? Gorgeous Volturi. I would have liked to seen the Suspicious Friend, though.
I wish I had your balls. And now I’m hoping you don’t have Wolf Blitzer’s balls….
Brava, madame. Brava!
That damn wolf suit has more of a life than I do!
I want to be you. Since I can’t be you, thank you for blogging your awesomeness.
Wowzers. I don’t think the ag inspectors would let me wear that on the plane, but I really hope someone in TX lets it slide. Because I’ll bet if someone was kicking the back of your seat, and you just turned Blitz’s head around to glare at them over the headrest, they would TOTALLY STOP DOING THAT.
Only you Jenny, only you could think this up. Thanks for the laugh, you made a bad day brighter.
I know this sounds weird coming from a non-confused straight woman, but you look *totally* hot in Wolf Blitzer. Like not temperature, just really, really pretty. This leaves me confused.
Speechless, absolutely speechless!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I can still write. Thanks for that it is 7.19 and I am sitting here before work contemplating a shit day and here you are again, making the world seem Ok even as I choke on my weetabix…… You are a star in a dull universe
I’ll admit it. I have a not-so-small crush on you, Bloggess. Especially as Wolf Blitzer Bloggess. Thanks for the laughs!
You look wonderful in your wolf. I like the pictures of you. I love reading your blog.
I was wondering how you were drinking at the theater, then I saw the counters and thought “Wait, is she at the fucking Drafthouse? I love that place!”. Sure enough, there were the signs for The Drafthouse in the earlier pictures. Doh! But in my defense I was so overwhelmed by the magnificence of Wolf Blitzer that it was easy to overlook anything else.
first…..HOLY SHIT BALLS I love this!!!
second…thank you! Today is my birthday and yes…I am fully aware every few years it falls on freaking Thanksgiving…This post was the PERFECT way to start this day…and as the day wears I will think of you wearing Wolf Blitzer and I will laugh my freaking ass off!!!
I laughed so loud at JessicaZombie’s comment. “I noticed that you and I have the same glasses?”. You’re wearing a fucking wolf and she notices yer spex! Priceless.
I’m in the market for a Charlie Sheen pelt. It’s quite easy to breathe through the coke-hollowed nostrils and it scares everyone but porn stars and Denise Richards. Happy Thanksgiving Jenny!!
So that wolf thing is made out of awesome.
And that wolf mind talking scene was so bad, I was embarassed for everyone involved, including the craft services guy.
You are all kinds of awesome!
FULL of awesome.
(I think I’m the seventeenth person to say “awesome” in the comments. I guess that means awesome is what it is. It’s unanimous.
Hahahaha oh sweet mercy! Wolf Blitzer is pure awesome. You look SO hawt. I bow to thee chanting ‘I’m not worthy!’ a million times over.
I haven’t read the Twilight series, nor seen any of the movies and I think I’d rather gauge my eyes out with a spork before I watched them, unless you’d be going with me wearing Wolf Blitzer, then I’d go willingly and proudly and watch them all – smiling happily all the time. Promise!
Love the photographs, especially the third one. Wolf Blitzer rules!!!
When I started reading this I was hoping there would be pictures but nothing could have prepared me for the awesomeness that I saw. Thank you for being you!
The Drafthouse with a wolf body/carcass. Greatness has been achieved.
I gotta give it up for Viktor. Every comedy duo needs its straight man and Viktor, bless his heart, does his job very well. ; } And now I am officially homesick hearing about you and your girls having beers at the Alamo. Have a super T-day and make sure Wolf gets a little turkey, too.
My birthday’s not til Friday, but man oh man this makes an awesome present for me too 😉 I’m pretty sure the only thing better would be reversing time and attending with you. You look totally hot as a wolf.
I make my 16 year old daughter read your blog when its so funny I have to share. Tonight she finally asked, “Are all these written by the same person doing all this stuff?” After I answered yes she asked “What’s wrong with her?” I promptly told her, “You know she’s someone’s Mom. Guess I’m not so bad afterall.” To which she immediately gasped and corrected me by declaring, “Are you kidding?!! She’d be AWESOME!” I agree. You are full of win. And on a side note those pics of you in Wolf Blitzer sitting on the bench totally look like something from a high-fashion mag!
Only you could pull off Wolf Blitzer. Except for maybe Wolf Blitzer.
And yes I had to Google “Wolf Blitzer”. I was pretty sure he was a person, but whenever I’m in doubt I Google.
You make me proud to be a woman! If you come to Nashville bring Wolf Blitzer. I’ll dress up as Red Riding Hood and we’ll go out to the country bars and freak out the locals. Although, they probably have guns. Might be a bad idea. And, how bad is it that I want that friggin Tauntaun?! That girls got talent!!!
I think they should pull the movie from theaters, re-cast the wolf dudes with you and Wolf Blitzer, then re-release it. You could play every wolf. It would be like Back to the Future, or every Eddie Murphie movie ever made. Actually, I think you and Wolf Blitzer should play all the rolls:
“Oh Jenny Wolf Blitzer, your skin is so cold” Jenny Wolf Blitzer said, her fingers resting on the chest of Jenny Wolf Blizter.
“Jenny Wolf Blitzer, you help me feel I could be warm again,” said Jenny Wolf Blitzer.
“Don’t leave me, Jenny Wolf Blitzer,” Jenny Wolf Blitzer sobbed.
I haven’t read the books or seen the movie, so that was my best guess of how the dialogue goes.
I am surprised and amused.
Did they give you money as well as Wolf Blitzer? Because cool as that is, having to read your own freaking audiobook seems like it’s worth some money to roll in as well. While wearing your wolf suit.
I’m not supposed to ever say things like this, I know, but the fact that I consider all of you (including Sue) friends makes me so fucking happy I can’t see straight. I’m doing something right, I just know it. I like being a degree away from all of this. Sue me.
I love y’all. I love you. There is just no end to the things you do and how perfect they are in this world in 2011. You make me want to punch through every barrier to the real, crazy, best deal and that is why I’m so very grateful that I know you.
Also, taxidermied wolf.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH JENNIFER LAWSON.
That is so amazingly awesome. i now want one :/
How are you not institutionalised by now?
Best photos ever? Probably.
well shit. that’s made the entire effing week worth all the caca! BWA HAHAHA!
gosh. i am so thankful for your shenanigans!
You and your friends are fabulous! I hope the others at the theater appreciated how lucky they were to be there with you. :>
You are fabulous. I just love this so damn much… I think it’s hilarious that when someone sees an interesting dead animal, you are the person that they think of to contact.
This website makes my day every time I read it.
Jenny, you simply are my hero. I want to be just like you when I grow up.
You are made of awesome. Wolf Blitzer is a wonderful investment. Maybe if you point out to Victor that in addition to being suitable attire for seeing a Twilight movie, it can also be worn for any Red Riding Hood or werewolf movies plus any production of Peter & the Wolf, he will understand that you have mad barter skills. I mean, come on, Peter & the Wolf has an orchestra and requires fancy dress and Wolf Blitzer is clearly fancy.
Today I am thankful for you.
And I’ll totally narrate your audiobook for you , if you like 🙂
I really do not know how you come up with this sh*t, but I am forever grateful that you do.
I didn’t think you could top the dead mouse. I was wrong.
You look so good in those photos that I’m genuinely starting to wonder if I now have a taxidermied wolf fetish.
You are my hero. 😀
Again with the laughing with bronchitis, but it is sooooooo worth it to read your posts!! I love the wolf suit. I love wolves period, so I am glad to hear he died of old age and wasn’t killed randomly. Checking that makes you beyond super awesome!! 🙂
Apart from the excellency that is a wolf that you can wear… can I just say, you and your friends a definitely repping the wolf/vampire look with some fierce wolf-sexiness… if that’s possible. I think it is. You seem to be doing it.
I am 1/8th friggin American Indian and NO ONE ever gave me a friggin wolf headdress, which is so racist I want to howl at the moon but I can’t because I don’t have a friggin wolf suit.
Who CARES that it’s coyotes that howl at the moon, and not wolves. This is NOT about that.
Anyway, I will narrate your book for free if you let me wear Wolf Blitzer to a New Zealand meeting of Greenpeace, because they will totally get it.
You should probably insure the wolf suit just in case.
P.S. I am so whoring your book on my blog.
So can I borrow the wolf suit?
Whore Wolf P.R.
That will be my company’s new name.
How awesome is that?
It’s hysterical that the rest of the theater was empty. Did all of the other patrons run away from your awesomeness? Or did you … go in the middle of the day? (I’m imagining the other patrons were real vampires and thus did not show up on film.)
Oh wow! That’s pretty fucking amazing! Though it’s a wonder you weren’t attacked by all the Team Edward supporters. Teenage girls are vicious.
I was unaware that you were part Native American. Surely, that is a PETA accepted reason for wearing fur! And,if they give you any more hassle, just ask them if they know who else was a vegetarian and an anti-vivsectionist.
Adolf Hitler, that’s who. It’s totally true. You can look it up on Wikipedia. Seriously.
Also? That post was made of awesome.
You are all kinds of awesome!
As I was reading, I kept hoping you would post a picture of this awesomeness…. and as usual, you did not disappoint!!
I totally love your doggy style.
I’m dying to know what Wolf Blitzer felt like on the inside. In my mind he’s lined with cashmere.
You are my hero.
Just clarifying that before when I said institutionalised I meant it in a ‘oh you crazy funny thing you’ way not in a lock you up kind of way because trust me you would totally be joining me, if this were the 50’s and they still had asylums. I wonder if you can wear wolves in asylums, I bet you can, and you wouldn’t be the crazy one because that other chick draws pictures with her feces.
Damn. Nice legs.
OMG LOVE! I hope you wear it to all blog conferences in the future.
I think I’m in love… With Wolf Blitzer, that is. I don’t think my professor understands why I suddenly find phonetics hilarious. 😀
I can see this catching on like the Travelling Red Dress: allowing women everywhere to celebrate their impulsive, beautiful and – ultimately – wolfish side. The world needs more Wolf Blitzers!
So.. like.. why isn’t Will -the paper collater – Wheaton doing the narrative? He so owes you. Without you he’d be “will who”?
Muppets made me lose it. And you can drink? In? Your? Theatre?
You should send Wolf Blitzer on walkabout. We can take turns keeping him for a week and blogging our adventures before we send him on to the next person. Me first.
After I read your stories (and stop hiccuping from laughter) I can never decide if I love you or Victor more. (It’s you. But not by much.)
I just laughed so hard, I woke up my baby. This is possibly one of the greatest things I have ever read.
I’d need to be less drunk to wear a dead wolf than I would be to voluntarily cough up money to watch any Twilight movie.
Cue PETA reps in 3… 2… 1….
That second to last picture is the damn funniest thing I’ve ever seen.
You are amazing! I can’t believe you actually got that wolf. Wearing it to the Twilight film was a no brainer. I think even I would have done that. I’d be more embarrassed to go to the movie than wearing a full blown wolf outfit in public.
haha i agreed with Brian. Have a blessed Thanksgiving!
Where to start!
You worked “carry-on” into talking about a dead wolf – because you’re awesome.
Pocahontas totally needed an audiobook – awesome.
You’ll totally read better than James Earl Jones, though I think you’re book would be good read by Samuel L Jackson.
I totally went to the premiere dressed as the cynical friend who doesn’t understand how much fun it is to wear a Bigfoot costume in public, but I do get brownie points (self inflicted brownie points) for wearing a ‘Team Alice’ shirt and going with 6 women.
Yeah, ESP wolf-talk was lame!
Oh, and you’re totally hot in picture 2.
I’m totally going to stop saying totally now.
OMG I can’t believe they bought you Wolf Blitzer. Your Publisher ROCKS! and it really is amazing (if completely and utterly creepy)
I’ve never been more sincere about a cliche in all my life: thank you for being you.
I’m doing my best to understand why I’m not surprised.
I can not believe Beyonce’ wasn’t sitting right there with you.
Wolves love chickens, you know?
Do the legs knock against you when you walk? Are the toenails still on? Because if so, you’re going to want to be careful about not wearing your best hosiery with Wolf Blitzer.
Oh my sweet, sweet Lord in heaven… I FUCKING LOVE YOU. There aren’t words for how much I needed this post.
MASSIVE congratulations on Wolf Blitzer. He’s awesome. But not as awesome as you are.
You need to dress Beyoncé up on the Wolf Suit. Because wolves swallow chickens. We know that from cartoons. You can clip Copernicus to his nose and pose the cobra vs mongoose montage in front of the scene and have Hamlet von Schnitzel in front narrating the scene.
Also, I need a black 1950s cocktail dress. And combat boots. For a photo shoot for my blog. Because I don’t have the vaginal fortitude to pull off wearing a dead wolf.
Coming soon to my blog: photos of my madcap friends who are HUGE fans of yours… posing with Jay-Z, the giant metal peacock we bought in your honour.
Wait… when did you add the moderation requirement, or has it always been there and I’m just too ADD and/or drunk most of the time to have noticed?
How did Laura get her eyes to glow red in that one shot?
I know, can you believe that; like they could really talk with their minds………….
…and this is why I live my life vicariously through you…and it makes me SOOOO happy. The smile on my face should last the rest of the day. You are the definition of “awesome”.
Beyonce and Blitzer getting together for drinks later?
You are a very brave woman. Not just about the dead wolf pelt thing, but because you dared to call a sparkle vamp movie ‘stupid’. On the internet. May God of SEO and Google be watching over you and your loved ones so that sparkling fans don’t show up en masse at your door to defend Edward’s honor.
When you wear Wolf Blitzer you remind me of Princess Mononoke.
I hated the mind reading part too. It was too cheesy.
Those shoes totally go with that dead wolf you are wearing. Do I see a new fashion trend starting? Absolutely!
jesus christ. I vote to make you the patron saint of the crazies. my brother had bestowed this title upon me, but woah, he didn’t know about you.
That is the best wig you have ever worn. You might need to ship it to yourself for events like BlogHer, but Wolf Blitzer will be totally bad-ass in the Ladies Room.
I’m totally forwarding this link to Wolf Blitzer. The resemblance is uncanny.
did wolf blitzer pop a boner upon seeing jacob’s six packs?
Ok, I spend a fair amount of time out and about, shopping in lots of different stores and places. I spend way too much time on the web, surfing in unlikely places. And I am hardly what anyone would call “normal” (Thank God!). But in all my time doing these things, I have never, ever seen giant metal chicken sculptures, stuffed monkeys with leprous faces, or wearable full wolf pelts. Quite clearly, when you do these things, you quite routinely forget to make the planned left turn at Albuquerque.
Hats off to you for once again leaving Victor speechless!
WTF- how can you be Team Jacob?!
Does it come in a larger size? Just wondering.
You are my hero.
If I were your friend I would have worn sparkly lip gloss so that onlookers might get the impression that it’s from giving vamps BJ’s.
You are now also totally set for Game of Thrones (season 2 starts in April.) Wolf Blitzer just goes so many places!
I also think you should ask Wil W to read your book. I bet he would. Or NPH.
I would have worn the big foot costume! I once dressed as a life size California Raisin to go skating…..and a silver skidoo suit to humiliate my friends while tobogganing. The only thing I found weird…..your movie theatres have tables infront of each seat??
Wolf Blitzer needs a baby blitzer. You totally need a mini version of this costume for your cat.
Holy shit, I want one. That wolf suit is incredible!
Team Jacob? Seriously?
Am I the only one who thinks this whole Team Edward / Team Jacob choice is kinda wrong? Basically aren’t they just asking us to choose between Necrophilia and Bestiality? Can I state for the record…if there is a human interest…I’ll be on his team! …just saying! 🙂
I don’t remember the last time I laughed this hard.
This presents a problem — when I see a person wearing a wolf outfit, how can I tell if they have a perfectly logical reason (like you do) or if they are foam-at-the-mouth crazy?
P.S. It looks like there are no people sitting near you two in the theatre. I wonder why.
Shit, I scared the cat and may have to change my pants before I go to my mom’s house.
You should also wear Wolf to the pet store every time you need to shop for your cats. Then you’d be like a big wolf who owns a bunch of cats, which is silly because why would a wolf go to the pet store for his cats? He’d go for himself. Actually, come to think of it, what did your cats think of your giant wolf outfit? I imagine that would be pretty awkward as well.
You’re probably the best person ever! In that you make wearing a wolves hide look chic. Laughed my ass off! Thanks for a great start to my day!! 🙂
Thankful for you, always making me laugh.
Only you could pull this whole thing off. You rock!
This year? I am thankful for The Bloggess and Wolf Blitzer and Sno-Cones. Exactly in that order. Happy Thanksgiving, Jenny!
THIS. IS. AMAZING. You are the most hilarious person ever. Also, awesomest.
It puts the lotion on it’s skin or it gets the hose again.
“I told Victor that I would name him Wolf Blitzer”
It’s like there’s nothing you can do about that joke, it’s coming and you just have to stand there.
I love you. That is all.
Wolf Blitzer is most awesome, but what’s most amazing is how natural you look in him. It kind of looks like one of those strange photo shoots that Tyra sets up on ANTM. lol
I’m filing this under things to be thankful for.
I want one… but my boyfriend assures me it would be a deal breaker.
Oh man that is fun! You are so much FUN! Sorry, shouted. And the costume is weirdly beautiful.
Oh my GOD. That’s hilarious. HILARIOUS! That wolf was totally wearing you, though. Happy Thanksgiving!!
Jenny you are everything I aspire to be in life. You have made my very shitty day bearable. Thank you.
Best. Purchase… EVER.
Brave woman – my hero as always.
I can imagine all the guys pointing you out to their friends, saying “That wolf has great legs!” I’ll bet you and your friends caused a lot of guys to recieve a nasty look and an elbow in the ribs from jealous girlfriends.
Oh my God! You got it! I’ve been wondering what happened with all that. This really was brilliant! Wait til the IRS sees the pictures! They’ll give you extra deductions just for making them giggle for the first time in their lives.
This is the most awesome thing I’ve ever seen in my life!!!!
You bring a whole new meaning to furry fandom.
This is like the most amazing thing ever. I bow to your awesomeness.
Oh. My. God. This is amazing. I love how smart you were about bartering for this totally necessary item. Thank you for taking photos. THANK YOU!
Please be careful if you are ever traveling the Candian wilderness while wearing that. From one dominant female to the other, those female wolves can be real bitches.
Cripes, it’s posts like this that make me want your life.
You are the coolest person I don’t know but totally pretend I know. I prove our pretend friendship by showing that you are following me on Pinterest. That totally means we are BFF.
OH MY GOD, my dogs just looked at me and wondered what in the hell is going on!! That’s freaking HYSTERICAL!!!!
I got all warm and fuzzy just reading this…
Can I come live with you?
Alright, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I’m with Victor on this one.
Oh my gosh! You gals kill me!!! So freaking funny.
You freakin’ rock!
I see no reason why TSA wouldn’t allow you to take Wolf Blitzer on to an airplane.
Also, how to get around KickStarter: just tell them you’re starting your own #Occupy movement, called #OccupyWolfSkin. Or, pitch it as a full-body condom – with teeth.
Oh no you didn’t.
Of course you did.
I just added wolf snuggie to my Christmas list, right after Rockette lessons. And then gave it to my husband.
And he was all “I…..am just going to get you jewelry.”
I have NO idea why I married him sometimes.
Love this! Maybe you should send Wolf Blitzer around like the red dress!
Oh my freakin’ goodness! Hysterical!
I went to see it with my daughter yesterday, sans a wolf suit. Yes, telepathic wolf conversations are the dumbest thing ever. Like, ever in the history of ever.
But outside of said ridiculous in-the-head-wolf-discussions, Team Jacob = awesome!
So many kinds of awesome, I can’t comment. The only good thing about “Twilight” is that it allowed you to get Wolf Blitzer.
Yet again, if ever my friends and work colleagues think I’m slightly left of centre, I just point them in the direction of your blog. Brilliant!
I’m going to see this movie at the weekend but now I am going to feel underdressed whatever I wear.
I have no words to describe your awesomeness. – Except for right there. Thank you for expressing your faboo self in all it’s glory and bringing us panic-attack, depression-fighting, wish-we-had-Wolf-Blitzers-of-our-own Soul Sisters some glee (but not always of the singing variety) and inspiration to be who we are with megaphones. – But quiet ones otherwise we’ll get kicked out of the theatre. And libraries where we are reading up on how to craft our own Wolf-Blitzers. I will, once again, celebrate and affirm who we uniquely are by doing my impersonation of a marauding Godzilla (technically an “imZilla-ation”?) while here in the office. I’m sure the accountants and software programmers I work with will appreciate it to no end and be inspired to express themselves similarly. Thank you.
p.s. Yes, we need some cards or something with the Wolf Blitzer photos on them, especially of the one where you’re sitting on the bench, waiting for the movie. It says so much and a card with that on it would help express the sentiment of so many occasions. I’m running out now to buy stamps. Don’t tell my boss.
Are you like my sister? Because I totally think we could be sisters. I too buy weird things *did you know that there really is a NARWHAL* I only say this because I am making 25…I could make 26 and send one to you for all the Culinary Students in my class. Because we are now Team Narwhal. That was random and I’m sorry about that. But I’m really not. And if you want a narwhal just let me know, I’ll make you one too! And I love you and I too would like a wolf pelt. I wish I knew they had exsisted because I saw Twilight at Midnight *well 8pm* and that would have been awesome to wear. No one would have MESSED WITH ME! So yeah. <3 More pics please!
I just want you to know that I think you are HILARIOUS!!!! Remember this comment and the others below when you are having a dark day! You have a real talent for making people laugh! Take care xx
When were you planning to explain how the cocktail dress and ballerina flats complement Wolf Blitzer? In my dream, he ate the office admin we all hated in a fit of awesomeness at the company Christmas party.
How come we don’t have theaters like that??? What a concept, give people booze while watching a movie…Canadians just don’t think of shit like that.
I am totally pinning this, you guys are my heroes…
Okay, seriously, I’ve NEVER SEEN A STUFFED/DEAD/WEARABLE animal in public ever, and being a military brat/spouse, I’ve lived ALL OVER. How on EARTH do you stumble across these things?! I mean, I’ve spent… at least 25% of my life in Texas (East, Central, South) and still. Unless they’re hung on someone’s wall staring at me with dead, marble eyes (which are usually crossed), I’ve never seen one!! But you find them EVERYWHERE. I’m beginning to think you have an odd taxidermist stalker.
I only need to know if Wolf Blizter smells. Because I imagine that a taxidermied wolf that died of kidney failure would smell unique and not delish.
Love it ..just one thing, you have to take out Victor’s logic chip! Or, is that the only modicum of sanity that exists in the family.. Happy Thanksgiving you mad, wonderful, talented lady!
You need to wear the epic red dress while donning Wolf Blitzer. Then call up the New Yorker and tell them you have never seen photos of Wolf Blitzer in a red dress. That would top it all! And if you do this, I have to tag along.
This Wolf Blitzer thing really has legs! (I’m so punny.) You could incorporate him into other gatherings, too. For Thanksgiving, everyone could come dressed in their favorite taxidermy and you could wear Wolf Blitzer again!
…or is taxidermy like Academy Awards dresses?: you can only wear each dead wolf once or else people will talk.
Nice gams on that she-wolf. Oh, to be young again, (sigh).
My dearest Jenny, you are our greatest joy. Seriously. Instead of gossiping, when the gals and I get together, we read your blog aloud. And we hereby volunteer to do your book!
Hugs and kisses to the funniest broad we know and thanks for the laughs!
Just so you are aware…You’re my hero, and I LOVE this blog!
I love your brain and how it does it’s thang! You’re hilarious! Thanks.
OMG – you are my hero. Hysterical! When I see you’ve posted something new I stop everything I am doing to read it – and it’s always worth it! You’re a genius!
You are the Bestest Wolf Ever.
Happy Thanksgiving, my friend. 🙂
This is the first thing I read on this Thanksgiving morning…and it will set the tone for the rest of the day. So many kinds of awesome…can’t come up with words! Except…thanks for being you and having such awesome partners in crime and for sharing all the awesome/weirdness with us.
You’ll just have to be wary of people trying to have sex on you, because that’s what they do on fur rugs. Unless it’s your fur sex rug, in which case you’re on the wrong side.
Damn, girl! You are wonderful!! I woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed and begin this ridiculous tradition of cooking food we never eat the rest of the year because would anyone really appreciate it anyway?? Yes, I was in that kind of mood this morning. I was about to bite someone’s head off or something, and so I thought to myself: You need intervention, NOW. So I typed in your blog address. And, I’m going to be honest with you: I was thinking: damn bloggess, She probably won’t even have a new post up, cause her vagina tried to kill her and it’s Thanksgiving, so she’s probably off enjoying her family, not even thinking about me (us) who rely on her for funny thoughts; so inconsiderate. . . And then, without knowing it, you bitch slapped me upside the head with the FUNNIEST POST EVER!. After reading about Wolf Blitzer, I was laughing and knew then that I could do any type of food prep because all is right with the world because a wolf attended a Twilight movie. You have made me furiously happy.
BTW, how did you find an empty theater? Also, you look smoking hot in that wolf snuggie. You’re beautiful!!
I also think Haley should go as red riding hood for halloween. You two would win all the marbles.
Wolf Blitzer makes you look sooooooo thin! I need one. Beats the hell out of dieting.
Jenny, I love you so much. I think the Drafthouse should ask you and WolfBlitzer to do one of their “talk and we’ll kick your ass out” ads. You could sneak up on the talking person and pretend to attack them and it would totally scare the shit out of them.
Totally effing awesome! I love doing crazy things like this in public, especially just to see people looking at me like “WTF?!”. And I thought my cooked turkey hat I’m wearing to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner was going to be amusing. Amusing only because I became a vegetarian a few months ago and this is my first Thanksgiving without eating turkey. Irony = amusing in my book! But Wolf Blitzer has blown that out of the water. Damn you, you’ve one-upped me yet again! Someday I will be almost as awesome as you. Someday…
Could Wolf Blitzer turn into ‘The traveling wolf of badassery”??? It would be like the traveling red dress; but more BADASS!!!!!!!!!
I needed this today, thank you!! You’re awesome.:o)
Wolfblitzer totally needs to go on tour – and his first stop should be my house. It’s in Canada – it’s cold here – so he’ll totally be useful. Plus, I’m pregnant and totally need pregnant belly photos while wearing him.
I’m so jealous.
Lmao… I’m thinking that Wolf Blitzer needs to make an appearance in NYC for BlogHer… Just sayin’. I’m thinking blog of the year… Guest presenter…. Hmmm
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard ‘and this is why you can’t make financial decisions without me.’ 🙂 But in the end, everyone’s happy and forgets that I had to spend money to bring something fantastic home for everyone’s enjoyment, so really it’s a win-win.
Sorry cute picture of my kids on my computer background, you’ve been replaced by this one http://thebloggess.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/wolf-blitzer-bloggess-4.jpg of Jenny, Laura and Wolf Blitzer.
Not since Knock Knock Mother-Fucker have I laughed this hard. Seriously.
The picture of you buying the ticket? CLASSIC!!!
Awesome!! Don’t be embarrassed, I want to see it and I’m in my 40’s (barely).
I totally agree that the werewolves talking with their minds was the worst part of the whole movie. And although I love the story, the whole I had sex, got pregnant and ALMOST DIED part…is a little ridiculous, too.
OMG… I so needed this post today! Thank you, Jenny. Crazy is as Crazy does and lady, you should be nominated for Queen of the Crazy. <3 your posts and your sense of humor. *so wishes she had a Wolf Blitzer*
OMG, I almost peed myself laughing
LOVE!!! And I would much rather heaar you reading your book anyway…
This is amazing. Correction. YOU are amazing!
Wolf blitzer is a totally slimming look.
Thank you for making your humble fans furiously happy.
There’s not really anything about that that isn’t awesome.
I don’t think you will ever be able to top this awesome post.
This is just amazing. I don’t even know what to say. I can’t wait to get drunk with my best friends and go watch that movie. Not for the movie, because Twilight sucks. But for the getting wasted with my friends part.
I’m jealous—I wouldn’t have the balls to do this. (Figuratively speaking, of course.)
Now I want a Wolf Blitzer. And not the lame-o CNN one.
When it comes to Twilight, I’m team Couldn’t-Give-a-Shit … you think that matters when it comes to securing my own hoodie?
I’m beyond jealous… I can’t even get anyone to go with me to the movies when I wear my “regular” fur-lined hoodie… and, it’s soooo not real fur, no fangs and – ok – not nearly as cool. And, you can not only pull off a full wolf hoodie but you also have friends who will join you. Have I mentioned I hate you?
Totes awesome. And again, I love those shoes.
So I totally lmao at this, but from the beginning of the post I couldn’t help but wonder if Wolf Blitzer smells weird. Lol.
“It’s sort of amazing that we weren’t kicked out of the theater.” Yes. Yes it is. Unless they were WAY too afraid of you both 😉 And. Need I reiterate? You (AND Laura) are totally made of awesome.
posts like this are the reason i created a twitter account JUST to follow you.
Your conversations with Victor completely rival myself and my hubs. Love it!
That would be Awk-weird.
I bet if Victor think that if he had done the negotiation he would have gotten Tatum too. Which would have been AWESOME.
Side note: Wolf Blitzer makes your legs look fantastic. That’s a good reason to keep him if nothing else.
Your friends make my friends look like shit. 🙂
Girl, PETA can suck it! That wolf would be proud to be so useful and bring so much joy. They don’t actually help animals anyway. They just make commercials with naked actresses (not known for their brains to begin with, poor dears) to help “raise awareness”. And money, of course, but not to actually help animals, which is just as fine anyway, as animals live by the creed “only the strongest survive” and do not appreciate all the “help” from PETA.
O.M.F.G. – you get the coolest dead animal stuff! I’ve been wanting a taxidermed squirrel forever and my hubby says no but you get to have multiple ones!?!? I love the fact the Victor just lets the whole thing drop after you get your way!
PS – I am totally Team Edward and I saw the new Twilight movie and thought i was going to piss myself laughing between the really bad imprinting scene and the Transformer like voices of the wolves talking to each other.
OMG! That is hilarious!
So glad you got Wolf Blitzer 😀
Somehow on you Wolf Blitzer doesn’t seem the least bit strange. I wonder why that is. I just hope James Garfield and Copernicus don’t get jealous since you never really take them out and about.
I have never before in my life wanted to be BFF’s with anyone the way I want to be yours! You are fucking hilarious and so random that I think we are twins separated at birth!!!
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours Jenny! And keep flying that freak flag of yours!!!
Somehow you make wearing a dead wolf look cool and even a little bit sexy …I bet my dog would be all over that.
For the record, I would happily (for free) record your audiobook. I’ve been told I have a very nice voice. In fact, my voice has gotten me a couple of jobs (I promise they weren’t phone sex jobs!)
Wolf Blitzer looks like he was tailor made for you! Plus, you’re being environmentally responsible for re-using his pelt, so maybe you can barter for some carbon offsets, too!
The absolute joy this post brings me cannot be put into words.
I had no idea wolf hoodies worked for panic attacks. You seriously need to market that shit. Feeling nervous? Beginning to hyperventilate? Just remember you are wearing a WOLF PELT!!! If something makes you nervous, JUST BITE IT WITH YOUR WOLF TEETH!!!
I’m pretty sure that would calm anyone down.
You are my hero.
I love Wolf Blitzer — you two would be welcome at my place any day for tea.
holy crap, I laughed so hard I almost peed myself.
I so totally know that theater….and if I had a wolf blitzer, I might go to a movie. However, I don’t think I could go see Twilight. That way I can keep my membership to NASTY (No, Ain’t Seen Twilight Yet). Maybe I could wear a Wolf Blitzer to see Hugo? I could do that. Yeah. Or maybe some elf ears.
How much more freakin’ AWSOME can you get??? Love you, Girl!
Ok, I love you…just love you.
Holy crap! I am laughing so hard I am crying and people are due here any moment. You are so awesome!!!
“The night Jen wore her wolf-suit and made mischief of one sort or another…”
Totally. Dying. Here.
Can I be you when I grow up? Oh wait, I’m already gonna be my friend Mickey when I grow up, but maybe I can be you for a year or two before I become Mickey. 😀
Seriously, I was wiping away tears before I got to the pictures….. WOLF BLITZER IS AWESOME!!
You’ve never looked foxier.
But what will you wear for New Years now?
This is destined to join “Dogs In Elk” and “I Haz A Sweet Potato.”
From the minute I saw the original Wolf Blitzer picture I was like oh hell yea! Tell me she bought that shit!
Have I told you why I love you? No? WELL IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE FRIGGIN’ AWESOMEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😀
You are the next best thing to smokin’ weed.
and this is why you are my heroine!
Dude. I have an alaskan malamute who looks A LOT like Wolf Blitzer. Guess what I am going to do with her when she dies?
My 3 problems with this otherwise fine film (CAUTION – SPOILERS!)
(1) Same as you, Jenny. HATED when wolves began their mind talking. (It was like ‘G-Force,’ except with werewolves.)
(2) When Edward’s venom was flying through Bella’s veins, it reminded me of the opening credits of ‘Look Who’s Talking.’ (Another awful movie to which I have been exposed.)
(3) Renesmee? Okay, I have no cheesy movie references for this one but, as a Michele with one “L,” I’m here to say that this kid has NO shot at finding a personalized name plate for her bike. None. Poor mudblood vampire. (Fine. Technically, that IS a movie reference
… but it’s an awesome one so it doesn’t count.)
Seriously, I hope your movie theater offers a re-release of ‘Dances with Wolves’ soon. Not only will you be a legend wearing it there, but you’ll also be able to tell Victor that the outfit practically paid for itself by then!
the timing on your post could. not. be. better.
think we all know what just went to the top of my holiday wish list!
wolf costumes for everyone this holiday season!
This is so what me and my goofy barn friends would attempt to do… the problem is, I’m 49 years old, they’re all teenagers, I’m supposed to be the grown up and I act as ridiculous as they do… and it makes me so happy … I read your blogs to the hubs and he just sighs and says I can’t visit your page anymore… he has great empathy for Victor… I say he’s blessed to have you! Who wants boring and predictable every day? Love ya chick – stay giddy and surrounded by amazing friends –
What else would you wear to a Twilight movie? I wish we had theaters with alcohol.
TOTALLY BEYOND AWESOME……..MADE MY DAY 🙂
OMG! I would wear that to the Elvis Chapel in Vegas when we get all remarried up on our 20th anniversary next yeaar. Because it is soooo Fabulous!
Wolf Blitzer is pretty cool but you should have pointed out how totally amazing your legs look in the photos.
awesome. love you. I’m pretty sure you say exactly what the other voice in my head would say . . . if only she were wittier.
Oh my gosh that’s the best thing I’ve seen in forever. I can so see this being me and I just loved the whole post. So glad photos were included.
You are as entertainingly insane as Misha Collins but you have way better legs. JSYK.
My god, woman, you and your friends certainly get dressed up to go to the movies! And I do NOT mean the Wolf Blitzer thing, which is totally awesome and gorgeous btw; no, I mean the nylons and the heels and the dresses. Is that Texas thang? Cuz up here in the North Wood of Wisconsin we wear jeans and plaid flannel shirts and bib overalls.
Those are some AMAZING photos. Because of the situation. And the lighting. How did no one else in the theatre show up in (or get bothered by) them?
So, I read this and I fell in love with the pictures. I asked my husband if I could get a dead wolf snuggie of my own, but he said no. But he’s not the boss of me, and I have Connections. So, I went to my father, who happens to be a taxidermist. I showed him the pictures and excitedly asked if he would make me one.
I can’t have a wolf… But I might get a dead coyote snuggie for Xmas. 🙂
Husband is unpleased.
This whole thing is just made of awesome, great activity and article. Really nice photos too.
You come up with the best names for your animals – both living & stuffed. I laughed out loud at the pictures.
OMG….I love the slam to Twilight first off. Second, this makes me want a stole. heheheheheeeeeeeee
You’re my fucking hero!!!!!! I need new friends. I need friends that understand the utter awesomeness that is Wolf Blitzer.
BTW, I got married and I’m actually Karen ((Hawks)) Sanders.
I totally peed my pants reading this. Thank you.
Dear Bloggess, you just saved Thanksgiving. After a four-way screamfest between my mother, father, sister and brother-in-law, with multiple threats of divorce and violence, and my niece and nephew hiding in their rooms, I broke the tension by laughing so hard at your blog I nearly peed myself. Then proceeded to read aloud your stories about Wolf Blitzer, Beyonce, Hamlet von Schnitzel and Copernicus to my 67 yo mother and 78 yo old father, obscenities included. They laughed so hard I think my mother pulled something and my dad may have had a stroke. My niece also found it hilarious (obscenities deleted) and asks if she can also have her own Hamlet von Schnitzel to bring with her to visit me in New York someday. We are all preordering your book for xmas and my mom promised me the “Be nice or I will stab you” poster for my office. So thanks again for saving Thanksgiving. Because you know, blood doesn’t really go with pumpkin pie.
Seriously. My mother was wondering what the hell I was laughing at gave me a quizzical look when I told her I was reading about a woman who bought a wolf skin hoodie with fangs and named it Wolf Blitzer. She thinks I’m nuts. I think it’s all relative.
Hee hee, not sure I could get away with that look, but you pull it off nicely. (as the actress said to the bishop)
I need to stop reading your blog posts while holding my sleeping baby. I almost woke him up laughing at this post.
Also, you totally made me miss Alamo Drafthouse. (ok, ok, I *always* miss Alamo…).
I thought you couldn’t top Beyonce…Then you did. Well played.
You need to check out Revolutionary War re-enactments. There are all kinds of hides and stuff at them. My husband wore a partial head as top of his hat. I have a buckskin dress. If one is ever in your area, you should check it out.
You are an effing awesome negotiator! And you rocked the wolf-snuggie look. For someone who experiences serial, debilitating panic attacks, you sure do some panic-inducing stunts. I would have had a panic attack just trying it on. Good for you, though, to allow your inner wolf to come out and play.
P.S. I’m glad that you are reading your audio book yourself. I’ve already pre-ordered the book, but I may find myself also buying the audio version when it comes out, just to hear you read it. However, I hope you read it with feeling. One of my other humor blog favorites read her audio book with such a flat affect that it almost ruined the book for me. Not to make you nervous or anything.
Make that, if one of the re-enactments, also called Rendezvous’,is in your area, not the buckskin dress.
This is beyond epic. I am overjoyed that cleolinda linked to it.
Also, you are far braver than I; I’d be too afraid that faithful Edward fans would see me and cut me with their razor-sharp hair to wear that to the theater.
This is yet another post where I am left feeling empty and sad because we are not neighbors. We would have the best block parties EVER IN RECORDED HISTORY. Tell me you were drinking Bloody Mary’s.
Can we please turn Wolf Blitzer into the new red dress, where you wear him and make your dreams come true, no matter how fat your ass is?
Holy crap dude, I think this is brilliant and you are one of us. We almost got kicked out for laughing so hard and mocking so hard!
If I had a Wolf Blitzer, then that is the ONLY way I’d possibly be willing to go see the twilight movies…
as a native american, I am disgusted at this disrespectful misuse of an actual wolf pelt. Typical uncaring white people.
That is awesome! I would totally buy a Wolf Blitzer! Looks really comfy! 🙂
Had me laughing out loud the whole way through. My husband loved it, too. My favorite part was where you pointed out that a 30-year-old woman going to see Twilight was more embarrassing than Wolf Blitzer. Truth!
hilarious. I’ve spent my entire day of work reading this blog, totally made my day so much more enjoyable!
Darling woman, you are my hero! IF you ever decide you want a full body suit of whatever animal, real or imagined just see my friend Lionel: http://lionofthesun.com/
He’s responsible for my Son’s werewolf costume which my daughter later used in her Little Red Riding Hood costume.
I laughed. I cried. I snorted. I snorted so loudly that I woke up my 14 y.o. daughter. Who had to ask “what is that *noise* you are making?” Then I had to read your post out loud to her. Actually I performed your post for her amusement. I guess Kickstarter wouldn’t approve. Apparently.
I HATE Twilight. But…if I was going to see it with anyone, it would have to be someone wearing a ridiculous outfit like yours. Wolf Blitzer would make it all worth it!
See now, the only thing that kept running through my mind was how you shouldn’t be embarrassed for showing up in a real wolf suit, but that you admitted to being “Team Jacob”. That is just wrong on so many levels. The wolf suit was a howl (tried to make an animal equivalent noise here but had you been an owl it would have been so much easier because I could have said “hoot” instead of howl and it would have flowed so much better but owl would be Harry Potter and you just can’t show up at a Twilight event representing Hedwig, or could you? You could have been all, I’m Team Potter and REALLY thrown everybody for a loop). Still, Wolf Blitzer =’s complete awesomeness.
I’m only halfway through my first cup of coffee – for that entire first paragraph I was under the impression you were going to rename Victor Wolf-Blitzer….
but yeah, you’re insane, I love you.
You may very well be my hero. Thank you for being this awesome!!
Jenny, I just… I love you so much.
priceless. you can tell kickstarter I said so.
How much do I love you?!? Let me howl the ways… You are my Hero!!!
1) Everyone probably just thought you were a really committed furry.
2) You’d be surprised the level of depravity you have to sink to to get tossed from a movie theater these days. Trust me.
3) Wolf Blitzer is amazing and you look amazing wearing him.
4) I hate lists that end on odd numbers.
Quite frankly, I never thought I’d be supportive of someone paying to go see that movie…But when you throw Wolf Blitzer and booze into the mix, it makes me reconsider my views.
I’m so happy you got him. He really brings out your eyes.
Have to say – you look hot in that wolf pelt in the second pic! That’s awesome! It’s like a high fashion photo shoot. Funny and smokin – a role model for women everywhere.
Holy crap you’re my hero.
I agree with Liz, I had assumed Wil Wheaton would be doing the audiobook.
I hope you put Wolf Blitzer on and sneak around the house on your hands and knees scaring the shit out of Victor when he least suspects.
p.s. does this mean you are a furry now? Careful, you might start attracting the wrong crowd.
Your blogs never fail to amuse me… Read this one at work and choked on my tea at the part about your Bigfoot costume!!!
P.S. Completely agree about the wolf mind talking bit, almost made me feel embarrassed to be watching the film and I wasn’t even wearing a costume!
I fucking LOVE you… The end!
I FLOVE Wolf Blitzer, and that you’ve got the ovaries to wear him out to the theater. Total win, all around.
OMG you are so awesome. I discovered your blog a few months ago, thanks to Pinterest and Beyonce (the giant chicken, not the singer) and from that moment on I was hooked. So, I decided to go back as far as I could, which was something like 130 pages, and I have read EVERY SINGLE POST! It took me two months, and it was so worth it! I especially loved it when I was having crappy days at work, and I would come over and read a few pages and laugh (or cry) when appropriate (or not). So now I am completely current, and I randomly send friends over to your blog, and I quote you in conversation with my husband, who now refers to you as that “online writer lady that said that thing about the tornado of glitter and shoes”. So thank you for being you and giving me a little something extra to look forward to!
PS you are totally rocking the wolf!
HAH! I follow Zhon on DeviantArt, so immediately recognized Wolf Blitzer. well done! 🙂
I remember one time in university we all went to the Star Trek movie opening dressed up as Federation officers only to find that it was sold out. But, already being drunk, we felt that we needed to go to A movie. So we went to Titanic instead. I’m pretty sure that the other members of the sold-out audience were convinced that we were patients from the local psych hospital, out for the night. Especially since we kept cheering anytime Billy Zane came on the screen. But, like teenage girls cheer for a pop star escaping out the backstage door and into a limo. Seeing your photos, I only wish that we’d had wolf costumes. Then we could have cheered for Victor Garber.
I shared Wolf Blitzer with a friend. She asked me if you know if the woman who had your had another. Do you?
SERIOUSLY. BEST. POST. EVER. Gave me the ugly laugh.
I’ve never read any of the books or watched the movies, but I TOTALLY would if it meant I could wear my very own Wolf Blitzer to the theater and freak the fuck out of all the little hipsters.
I want to be you when I grow up!
omg….Victor is a lucky man!
THIS IS FUCKING EPIC AND AWESOME.
I love Wolf; he’s brilliant. But I am shocked you wanted James Earl Jones for the audio book. Where is your loyalty, woman???? Why haven’t you asked Will Wheaton? It would seem to me he owes you a favor or two or three for resurrecting his KLOUT score!
I’m just sayin’…………..
You are amazing. The end.
I am in awe of your awesome awesomeness. And Wolf Blitzer’s, of course. (I can’t help but noticing how none of my hoodies have fangs. Or even claws.)
Photo Op suggestion for you and your Volturi friend – epic battle (fake) scene. :-p
I’m sure you get this all the time… but you’re my hero.
Two things, love the black dress, understated elegance so as to not detract from Wold Blitzer. Two, umm, why wouldn’t you tell your local readers what you were up to? I would have driven by JUST to watch you buy your tickets!!!
u are awesome
I think the costume would do better in Celebrity Jeopardy than the actual Wolf Blitzer.
You are fucking awesome! That’s too damn funny!
I totally love this on so many levels… first, for the sheer ballsiness of going to the theatre dressed in Wolf Blitzer, second, for actually posting about it, and finally, because I can link to it via Facebook. Most of my peeps will love it, but I have a couple of management douche-canoes at work who clandestinely follow me just to see if I’m getting uppity. This will fuel speculation.
p.s. I have a voice that’s the combination of James Earl Jones, Tom Netherton (from the old Lawrence Welk Show), and that psuedo-narrator from the old Mormon Tabernacle Choir TV broadcasts. I’d LOVE to narrate your audiobook for FREE. Okay, maybe as a small token I could borrow Wolf Blitzer for a week or weekend, just to keep my my handlers guessing even more.
I never dare to comment on your blog, because, let’s face, being number 4 billion and sixty two, no one would ever see it. I’m not sure if you’re Star Wars fan, but maybe Victor could wear the tauntaun. Or not.
Your Indian name is “Dances with Vampires.”
I was Team Edward, but I believe I’m now Team Blitzer. Obviously.
You should call Fuller Brush to have a representative come over, then when he rings, answer in Wolf Blitzer. Ask for the Fuller Brush Beech Half Round Boar Bristle Hair Brush because your wolf likes pork. Do it.
How do I get your job? I want to write an awesome blog and wear a wolf that died from kidney failure suit.
I just showed the pics to my husband and all he said was “that’s kinda hot.”
I started to think Lazar Wolf(like Fiddler on the Roof), but Wolf Blitzer is much better. Also, I am totally jealous. I went to see Twilight in some stupid regular girl clothing. What was I thinking?
I never comment on your blog because, you know, like you’d ever see it. But hell, I just have to say this: I effing LOVE you.
So good — almost worth going Twi-hard for. Love Wolf Blitzer — also, does he keep you warm? NYC winters are pretty rough and I’ve been told I need to buy a real coat…but why do that if I could have a taxidermy wolf??
I dislike that movie, but if I could go with someone wearing a wolf pelt, and share it, that would be awesome. :3 Seriously, and then you want to Alamo Drafthouse. That place exists for those who don’t want to be normal, boring pooheads like Victor.
Best Breaking Dawn post I have seen! 🙂
WHY!?HOW?! AGAIN WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING AMAAAAAZING!? It’s making my head hurt.
Oh and can you do a traveling Wolf Blitzer? Because I’d totally wear that shit around Norfolk and Va Beach like nobodies business. Plus it looks uber warm.
You are my hero! That was the best story I ever heard…you had my husband and I laughing so hard we fell off the couch…and now I would like a wolf suit for Christmas…but like Victor, my husband thinks its totally un-necessary…
Thank you bloggess!
I am guessing that Wolf Blitzer’s facebook fan page will be coming soon! To join the ranks of Beyonce and Copernicus, naturally. 🙂
I love your blog! Please, please get a t-shirt that says “I <3 My Furbaby!" and wear it while towing Wolf Blitzer in one of those wheelie contraptions for disabled dogs. That would be so rad.
You may want to call your lawyer again…. ‘Cause Restoration Hardware has this now….
First off, I’m a little disappointed there isn’t any Wolf Blitzer merchandise made already.
Second, there’s a metal goose statue in St. Paul, MN entitled “Red Alert”, and everytime I see it, this is what I see:
I have a friend that wants this badly. He has a strange trade proposal for you.
I have officially reached a level of jealous that I didn’t even know existed.
So so so amazing and awesome :D. It make me so surprised to your idea and blog. I have to remind the Twilight.
My husbands has told me next time I drag him to twilight, he will only go if he can wear a wolf.
Truly, I never thought there was anyone funnier then my friend Jenn G who follows you and introduced us….that said, game over. Speechless, no words…just hillarious, stomach hurting laughter!
I don’t know you, I don’t even know how I came accross your blog. I read you from Spain and don’t always get all the cultural references but I swear to god that I laugh myself to tears everytime I read you. Thank you! 🙂
Batshitcrazy, and looking damn fine doin’ it! LOL
And this is why I can’t stop reading this blog. I came because of Beyonce, then got sucked into Copernicus, was fascinated by the talking fruit, slightly horrified by the Cobra/Mongoose/Naked Mole Rat statue and now love Wolf Blitzer. You are awesome.
I’m glad that the Team Edward fanatics didn’t attack you and ruin the awesomeness.
You have a wicked sense of humor…..I love it! Very happy that the wolf died of old age…or so I would like to believe.
Wolf Blitzer is…oddly slimming. And at least you had something to crawl under in second-hand embarrassment during that wolfs-channel-Optimus-Prime” scene in BD.
I was going to say I want one but in “Team Edward” until I realized that would be going a little “Silence of the Lambs”-y. Boo.
I can’t get over how hot you look as a wolf.
I loved you before, but NOW you are officially A GODDESS to me !!!!!!! This is FANTASTIC !!!!
Can I like…Internet Marry you or something? Because god damn if you don’t make me split a side laughing more times than I can count :-D. I’d totally go to Breaking Dawn with someone wearing Wolf Blitzer.
Evening attire and heels are the absolute perfect accessory to Wolf Blitzer!
I feel fairly certain that it would make my year to see a picture of Beyonce (the fabulous metal chicken) wearing Wolf Blitzer. PLEASE, hook a sister up.
I’ve taken your name in vain again. And soon there will be pictures of me and my friends with a giant metal peacock.
Bwahahahaha! This is awesome, and why we love you here at my house! P.S. I am so excited about your new book, I just can’t stand it! The release date should be declared a national holiday…just sayin’
Oh, my god. YOU WORE A WOLF PELT TO A “TWILIGHT” MOVIE. I love you. I fucking love you. I love you in all the ways a total stranger can love another total stranger.
We are not worthy!
(But honored, nonetheless – and a bit twitterpated that you noticed!)
That’s the sexiest damn thing I’ve seen all day.
I feel old. Old, because I don’t do weirdly fun stuff as a mom. I think I’m going to have a mid-life crisis and do something wild. Or stupid. Or wildly stupid. I don’t think it’ll involve a wolf though.