Are there sweeter words?

“It’s not cancer.”

That’s what my doctor just called to tell me.  It’s such a simple sentence, but I’m hard-pressed to think of one that’s nicer to hear.  “We just invented egg rolls that make your hair thicker” is close, but not by much.

I was a puddle of relief for about 10 minutes until I realized that what she was really saying is that I don’t have cancer in that one violently angry ovary that they spent a month examining.  Which means the rest of my body might be riddled with God-knows-what, and that’s why I think we all need to pool our money and buy an MRI machine that we can all share.  I’d put it on Kickstarter but they rejected my last application for bring joy to the world so I’m pretty sure they’re probably anti-MRI’s-for-everyone as well.

PS.  Thank you for being there to distract me when I was freaking out.  Seriously.  You helped more than you know.

418 thoughts on “Are there sweeter words?

Read comments below or add one.

  1. That is great news!

    also Kickstarter blows, they wouldn’t know a good project if it smacked them on the ass. IndieGoGo is the place to use.

  2. The only sweeter words I can think of is when the surgeon comes into the consulting room and says, “I got all your mom’s cancer removed.” Those words bring tears of joy even now.

  3. You make me want to scale my wall of stubborn ignorance and find out if my “likely-cancer” has turned into “actually-cancer”

    I’m glad to hear your angry ovary is just crabby generically
    /big hugs

  4. So relieved that you’re okay. 🙂

    Your posts, both serious and laugh-out-loud, quite honestly, give me a sense of hope.

    Cheers.

  5. that is super fantastic news, Jenny. Very very very very very pleased for you. Perfect Christmas gift for you and your family 🙂

  6. Excellent news!

    Though I can’t get that egg roll out of my head now. ThOugh it should have zero calories too.U

  7. I still say that you should sue them for triggering your anxiety.

    Oh, and also congratulations on not having cancer! Please don’t ever die.

  8. I also liked my doctor’s response to my MRI results (to investigate my migraines): “You have a brain. It works.”

  9. Congrats!!! I had the same talk with my doc a while ago! I’m gonna chip in on that MRI-for-everybody though!! Let me know where to send the cash! 🙂

  10. So… what the hell is it? Just a really cranky ovary? I think it’s time to cut a bitch.

    P.S. – Do they make a “I’m So Glad It’s Not Cancer” card? You need to get on that. Stat. 😉

  11. I’m pretty certain that my body is loaded with angry cells multiplying into lumps and bumps that don’t belong there, too.
    Hooray for your non-cancerous diagnosis! 🙂

  12. The think it was a cyst that is “slowly resolving itself”. Which kind of sounds like it’s a cyst that’s in therapy. Either way, it’s slowly shrinking and apparently cancer doesn’t do that.

  13. That. Is. Certifiably. Awesome. All types of awesome. Awesome with a side of awesome.
    Yay for you! I’m gonna go celebrate with a cookie! Sending you hugs from a distance!

  14. I remember when I found a lump in my lower brain.. It was an amazing moment when the old Russian doctor who was pressing a gooey deodorant bottle type apparatus on my ‘berries’, yells in excitement that the ‘mass’ was not cancerous. I’ve never before aged 10 years in 1 minute, then de-aged 9 years a minute later.

  15. Such great news! I’m so glad your one ovary is not riddled with cancer! But I’m totally in if you wanna pool our resources together to buy an MRI machine.

    My boss’s daughter has been going to the doctor to try and figure out why she has a cyst on her ankle. They have run a myriad of tests and when learning the results of the MRI, the doctor was kind enough to put it like this:

    “Well, we don’t know what it is. Looks like the only thing left is cancer.”

    Such a jerk. She’s only 12. She’ll be getting it biopsied next week.

  16. woo hoo! it’s a Christkwanzaukkka miracle!

    I had cervical cancer in 2009. My doctor (who thinks he is also a comedian) says “It’s the best cancer you can get!” yay me. Tomorrow I will be cancer free for 2 years. Whenever I go in for my routine checkup he pulls out my chart and points to the highlighted area (the other tests they did to make sure the cancer was only vacationing in my cervix) and he says “NO SIGNS OF CANCER”. Those are the best f’n words I have ever heard in my life. well besides “You’ll never have to worry about being pregnant again” and “These beers are on me”

  17. Best. News. Ever!

    I think you should Polish up Beyonce, have your picture taken next to her, & send the snapshot in a card letting Victor know that you’ll be around to bring light to his life for a (theoretically) longer period of time. that should bring him great comfort. 😉

  18. Praise be to the Humor Gods, because lady, I don’t think I could do this whole internet thing without you. All is right and good in the world again. We should use this good news as a catalyst to get you on the ticket for President. Because God knows you’d be a better choice than Rick Perry.

  19. Is that ovary REALLY necessary? I mean, REALLLYY?!

    I have a bad ovary, too. Every other month when I get those beginning pangs, The Boy and I look at each other and go, “THE BITCH IS BACK!” It’s the ritual that keeps us close, really.

  20. Fantastic to hear. Only you could make unnecessary non-cancer funny. And I think, given what you wrote in your post, we were separated at birth. Because we kind of share a brain and thoughts.

  21. sweet jesus i am trying to work here!!! lol congats!!!
    two weeks ago we sat in the drs office. my 22 month old playing happily under my chair, blissfully unaware of what was about to happen.
    “she doesnt have it”
    no cycstic fibrosis. we spent a year advocating for her. two months testing, each one scarier than the next. 24 hours trying to face her mortaility. i was a puddle, like you. in the new year we wait to see if she stays better, or if there is something else going on. but for now, for the next two weeks, i have a happy healthy family and its frickin christmas.
    merry christmas mama 🙂

  22. “Eating Starbuck’s mini moon pies while rocking your Wonder Woman outfit will be applauded in public” is also close but still not as good. Great news and so happy for you!

  23. I suppose that “sweeter words” may just be…

    You don’t have cancer AND that egg roll you ate last week to grow thicker hair, probably saved you from getting cancer and now, because of you, we are that much closer to finding a CURE for cancer.

    Now that would be even sweeeeeter…..

    BTW… so very happy for you!

  24. Well, thank heavens for that. Do they know what it is, yet, or are they still in the ruling-out-what-it-isn’t phase?

  25. Yay for not cancer! Boo for otherwise agitating ovaries!

    Seriously, it’s good to hear this positive news. Please keep doing everything you do. Your reads bring me some much needed laughs every day!

  26. My 3 month old was diagnosed with cancer and what a drain on emotions THAT can be! So, yes, “its not cancer” is a pretty bad ass statement! :0). Furiously happy for ya, kid! Can’t have you down n out too. I need my happy place!

  27. Yay! “It’s not cancer” is definitely on my top ten list of nice things to hear. Also on that list: “Not Guilty,” “You’re actually NOT pregnant” and “Sure, you may have a Long Island Iced Tea, but can I see your I.D. first?” That last one is my favorite.

  28. Thank God! What a gift to you, your family and me on my birthday! Ever since I found your blog I’ve felt so much better about being crazy, er, I mean depressed and having a twisted sense of humor. You are awesomeness incarnate!

  29. That’s great news! Or wait… does this mean God just shut the window that he opened earlier when he shut that door? Are you locked inside??!! If so, should we send wine and chocolate?

  30. I just heard those words myself this past summer…and no…there are no sweeter words. The egg roll thing comes close though. LOVE your blog. Keep up the excellent work!

  31. YAY I’m so happy for you! Once my dr’s nurse left this really urgent message that I had to call his office back right away because he wanted to speak with me about the results of my latest blood test… I freaked out for 45 minutes. When He finally called me back all he wanted to tell me was that everything came back normal…. gotta love doctors…

  32. w00t! For not cancer. Down with angry ovaries. MRIs for all. Etc. Just feel like doing some chanting, and here’s as good as place as any.

    Truly though … there is no sweeter sentence … aside maybe from ‘I bought you what you actually wanted for Christmas for a change’ … though that’s a little fraught.

    Good luck sorting out what is going on. I hope your ovary is just looking for attention.

  33. I am really relieved for you. I’m sorry that your ovary is angry and hateful, but I am glad it isn’t angry, hateful, and cancerous.

  34. I will gladly chip in for an MRI machine if it means we can use it on my dog to see if he has a brain tumor and that’s what’s causing his seizures. I’m currently on the hunt for one as we speak since I can’t afford to take him to a specialist.

  35. That news is furiously awesome! I lit some candles for St. James Garfield and I’m pretty sure that helped.

    Happy Holidays, and may all your cysts resolve themselves.

  36. Great news! Now you can focus on more important things…like whiting out the ’10 on those ornaments and changing it to ’11. 🙂

  37. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2007 – it was thyroid cancer – which my doctor said was the best cancer to get – like there is really any good cancer to get! But I am happy to say I am cancer free for almost 5 years. The radiation treatment and surgery worked. I am sooooo happy you are ok. I have enjoyed your blog for a long time and hope to for many many many years to come!!!! I can’t wait for your book too….it’s nice to know there are other people like me out there in the world

  38. The best news I’ve gotten all day! Infinitely better than the custodian telling me that someone was trying to shoot up in the bathroom and we had to call the cops. I am now mentally checking out so that this is the highlight of my day.

  39. And also hooray that it wasn’t a mutant baby that never fully formed but just slowly kept growing on your ovary…because you would have totally missed the boat at being on The X-Files with that story.

  40. That is truly fabulous news Jenny.
    And if we all get the MRI, can it live at your house? Maybe you can decorate it to look like a big metal chicken. A big, INTENSELY MAGNETIC metal chicken. You go into the maw on one end and come out like a magnetized egg on the other. Comedy gold.

  41. Of course, you now have to figure out *why* your ovary was trying to kill you? Maybe Copernicus has been whispering to it as you sleep?

  42. Glad your angry ovary isn’t homicidally angry! Glad we can help you as much as you help us. You helped me so much when my mom was in the hospital and then hospice. Sometimes difficult to find a giggle in hospice but thanks to you I managed!

  43. I am confused. Should you tell Asshole Ovary to suck it because she has really been an asshole and her tantrums have disrupted your life big time lately, or should you say, “Dear Asshole Ovary, I know you have been having some issues lately. I am so happy that things are working out for you now. That you decided to not turn into cancer is really quite thoughtful of you. I know some ovaries do that, and it really isn’t fair to the rest of the organs. Also, because you made me think you may turn into cancer but then declared that you are not, I will have a few days of “fuck it! I don’t care how much everything else can suck because right now I don’t have cancer of my Asshole Ovary!” That is a pretty big gift. But yeah, it would be a much bigger gift if it came with an MRI machine to insure no other organs are considering changing their names to Asshole. You know, that carrot just never goes away. Anywhoooo, I am so glad about A.O.
    On non-asshole issues, how’s that little vomiting sweetie? My little sweetie delivered some vomit last night, too. A little party with vomit as confetti.
    As always, your blogness inspires!

  44. 😀 that’s truly fantastic. so very thankful for your violently angry ovary being cancer free <3
    i'm pro-MRIs for everyone. THEY ARE SO COOL!!!

    i'm also a chemist…i may have bias on the cool thing. i should look into funding for inventing hair-thickening egg rolls.

  45. Now that news is all sorts of spiffylicious! (kind of like finding the life preserver in the douchecanoe). I’m very happy for the three of you!

  46. Great news, I’m really really really happy for you! By the way, can you also do something about those egg rolls for thicker hair? That too would be great 🙂 But not leg hair. Certainly don’t want those thicker.

  47. I never comment on blogs, but I had to weigh in and tell you that I am relieved on your behalf. Never, ever stop posting because YOU ARE BRILLIANT!!!

  48. YEEEEEHHHAAAAAWW!!! That there is some kind of fabulous news!

    I think you should just go ahead and put the MRI request up on Kickstarter but throw in an RV to put it in and take it on a tour around the country, rather than have everyone come to your house for their MRI. It could be the Official Bloggess Traveling MRI and Hedonism Show.

    And you’re welcome. Distraction is what we do. That and drinking but I’m pretty sure you didn’t need any more of that than you already had.

  49. I’m so happy you got such good news-in that one spot or not- it’s still great news.

    My 13yo nephew just got good news too- his humeris is now cancer free after major surgery & chemo. He’s doing well and happy to be on the mend.

    Cancer is such a heavy duty disease. Many people are afraid of it and afraid to talk about it.

    Hope you are feeling better.

  50. Yay! One disease you DON’T have! (Had a ninja cyst – took out half an ovary when is esploded – yes that is a word – when I was 25, not fun).

  51. Baby girl! Praise God. So thankful. What an awful thing to worry about. Glad you’re Ok!!!

  52. Oh my gosh – I am so happy for you! What great news. You should go celebrate now – tell Victor it is time to stop whatever you are doing and go celebrate life.
    Much love,
    B

  53. I never thought it possible for you to make me smile more than you ordinarily do. But you have. Congrats, Jenny! I’m so happy for you and your family. Merry Christmas!

  54. “We’re not going to have to amputate your genitals.” Is also a close second. Depending on who you ask, I guess.

    Anyway, I am glad that you do not have cancer.

  55. Yeah for Not Cancer!!

    Also I’m in for the MRI but don’t forget to save up enough money to pay someone to operate it (unless you have fans who would volunteer) ditto for someone to read the results. Cos otherwise it’s just a claustrophobic slow ride.

    *squishy hugs*

  56. All Hail the Giant Metal Chicken! Huzzah for “not cancer”… Also, hair thickening eggrolls sound awesome. especially if they are the kind without cabbage in them. Now all you have to do is figure out why you have an angry ovary. “Angry Ovaries” sounds like a punk rock band.

    Would the group MRI machine be like the red dress and travel or would each person have to come to the MRI machine (as it might be more fiscally responsible to transport people than a huge piece of medical equipment). Also, can you wear the red dress to your MRI appointment? I mean, if I’m going to be stuffed in a magnetized tube, I’d like to look fabulous while doing so.

    I’m pretty sure this counts as another (at least minor) James Garfield miracle!

  57. Oh Yay! I’m SOOOO happy for you! It’s like a half naked fireman riding a unicorn brought you a taco full of awesomesauce dipped in glitter!

  58. Will you ever share the full story of what was going on with your ovary? I have ovarian cysts (not polycystic ovarian syndrome – just one cyst at a time) and have had similar episodes where I thought my ovary was trying to kill me. Right now I have a 8 cm cyst and if it doesn’t shrink after 2 months of birth control pills, I will have to have surgery to remove it…I’m just interested in your story and experience. I’ve felt like I’ve had to tell my doctor to do certain tests and ask for ultrasounds…she doesn’t seem to know or care why this is happening to me. I suppose I just need a new doctor, but still.

  59. Great news!!!

    The downside of having your own MRI machine would, of course, be the fact that you’d probably give yourself cancer checking for cancer…

  60. Very happy to hear that! Have a wonderful Christmas using up your 2010 Beyonce ornaments. Because nothing says” Happy Birthday, Jesus” like a giant metal chicken. 🙂

  61. Let me know if that Group MRI thing catches on because I need an MRI. I also think we should look into asking libraries to carry them so we can check them out. I’M NOT KIDDING.

  62. Well, this Thursday now just became the best day this week. (Friday kicks a can down the street and mopes at lost opportunities). Congrats. 🙂

  63. Well, it’s nice to know that I helped you so much only by flipping through your posts in Google Reader. I didn’t know I’m that awesome. 🙂

  64. Sincerely happy for you. Went through the same thing with my Beloved Spouse earlier this year…well, not in his ovary. For all I know his ovaries are shot through with cancer.

  65. I’ve had that phone call, and it is a *huge* relief. Congrats, and thank god you’re okay! I don’t know what I’d do without your comic relief and encouraging words.

  66. I think it sucks that ovaries can (when they feel like it….) give you the best thing ever (kids) but otherwise make your life a living hell and then kill you. Thanks GOD.

    p.s. my sweet mommy just lost her battle with ovarian cancer last week so I HATE ovaries, but also want to remind you (you= everyone) that there are no good screening tests for ovarian cancer so pay attention when you have any of the ridiculously non-specific symptoms listed here http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/ovarian-cancer/DS00293/DSECTION=symptoms …. some ovaries are a little more subtle than Jenny’s when they are trying to kill you.

  67. I am so furiously happy right now!

    (Am doing the Snoopy dance…you know the one, right?)

    Yeeeeeehaaaaaaawwwwwww!!!

  68. I’m very pleased to say “I told ya so” and I’m elated to say “WOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!”

  69. So, one day my life was shitty. For some reason my wonderful friend sent me this link, “http://thebloggess.com/2011/06/and-thats-why-you-should-learn-to-pick-your-battles/”…. This was the day that I decided you are crazy/awesome. I laughed so hard that I cried. I really have been reading since then… thank you for being the person that I totally want to be, but am too scared to let out! (aka…. crazy)

  70. YAY! I am glad that, once again, it wasn’t a cancer pinata. Of course, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t very painful, so I hope you’re feeling better soon. *HUGS*

  71. Yay Jenny!!! Now all you need for a perfect Christmas is to finally get that picture of Nathan Fillion holding a ball of twine!

  72. Furiously pleased for you. They are, indeed, about the sweetest words to hear. We have to talk to these doctors, though. I, too, was told that my uterine cancer was the “best kind of cancer” to get. They need
    to get their stories straight. Is thyroid cancer the best, or uterine cancer? Maybe they should have a cage match to determine who’s the best? Either way, “no cancer” has them both beat all hollow.

  73. At different times in my life, I’ve gotten both phone calls, “it’s not cancer” and “I’m sorry it’s cancer” The first call is much better.

    But for both of those responses, the waiting was equally horrible. The waiting just sucks. So glad the waiting is over, and you got the good response!!

  74. Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
    WooooooooooHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Let’s all pitch in on the MRI thing. I need another one in the spring, so we can all share the expense. $5 per person. Apparently, we only need like 240,000 people. Yeha, MotherFucker.

    Unless we buy an older, used one, then we only nee, like 100,000 people.
    No big.

  75. A while back I had a lump removed (its name was Filbert) and I was given the same news a few days after the surgery. It really is a wonderful feeling. I’m so happy you’re okay, too.

  76. Yay! My favorite kind of cancer is the kind that doesn’t exist!

    PS: I would totally be up for an MRI-for-everyone situation. I’m constantly convinced that I have some random disease that I can’t fully pronounce, or explain. Explaining my ailment to my friends with exasperated sighs and a, “…you should just Wiki it.” seems less convincing.
    BUT if I had MRI results, this story would be a lot more interesting.

  77. If your ovary still decides to turn on you in some horrific way, you can have mine. In fact, I’d really just love you to pay for having them taken out in case ANYONE wants them. I’m done with them. And I really like them gone in case they decide to turn on me by releasing an egg that my husband’s jackwagon sperm accidentally fertilize. Sure, we die of starvation before he’ll ask for directions to anywhere, but those stupid little swimmers can find their way every. fucking. time.

  78. Hard to kill. Told you so. When I’m right, I’m right. And it takes one to know one. Merry Christmas! You know what I like better than unnecessary cancer? NO cancer.

  79. Yippee, huzzah, freaking awesome. I am so glad. The sweetest words I’ve ever heard were “we got all of your mom’s cancer” and “you do not have leukemia”! I am so furiously happy for you and your family. You are the brightest star in the interwebs. Shine on Bloggess, shine on!

  80. I knew it wasn’t cancer. Ovarian cancer is mostly a very old lady disease. You would be a famous case in a medical journal if you’d had it at your age. I think doctors who plant the idea of rare cancers in their patients’ minds should have to pay restitution for mental anguish.

  81. “It’s not cancer, its delicious cake made out of tacos”? Just a suggestion, I now how much you like your taco cake. Very happy for you Miss Jenny.

  82. When I saw the name of your post, I knew exactly which words you meant!! (Of course, the eggroll discovery would still be nice to hear. So would, “You can never be pregnant again” like another commenter said. But, I digress.) Congratulations!!!

  83. Yay for good news!

    I’m gonna have a big glass of wine to celebrate…… After my usual glass of wine to toast that I survived my day at work and the second glass of wine to celebrate the almost end to the longest week ever.

  84. Thank Christ! Or Santa. Or whoever the hell brings good news & glad tidings. I’m pretty sure it’s the shirtless Old Spice guy. Thank him!

  85. What the shit? There are no egg rolls to make your hair thicker?
    So glad you had good news on that front. Or back. Or middle. Whatever.
    Been thru that twice now, and there are no sweeter words.

    Unless you tell me cake will make my thighs thinner.

  86. Yay for no sucky cancer! Boo for still dealing with murderous angry ovaries.
    I’m all for chipping in on the MRI (especially if I get to wear the Red dress to the appointment like previously suggested!) 🙂

  87. Yea!!!

    And if you need more to distract you, yesterday when describing my driver’s license photo I actually used the words “crack whore” in front of my bosses. Did I mention that I work for a religious organization? And that both of my bosses are ordained ministers? Seriously, what I thinking?

  88. I bet there is a word in german for the strange joy you feel after something really really bad *didn’t* happen, like this. Germans have a word for everything.
    Hooray for you, and hooray for the communal MRI machine. Good thing those things are so portable, right?

  89. Thank you, Tebow. I’m pretty sure all his praying had something to do with it. I think God listens to his prayers.

  90. Praise Cheesus.

    I am also of the Shittastic Ovary Club, and I feel your pain, particularly in my lower left quadrant. I am glad your ovary is just an asshole and not a cancery-asshole.

    Love and hugs from one Bitchy Organ Holder to another.

  91. So glad to hear it! I love the visual of a “cyst in therapy”…clearly it’s all the cyst’s parents’ fault…if only they had paid more attention…

  92. So glad to hear! Those words are right up there with “Not Pregnant” when you don’t want to be pregnant and “That’s normal behavior for a three year old boy” when he keeps wanting you to buy him a purse.

  93. GREAT NEWS!
    I had one try to kill me once, it isn’t fun.
    Total hell really. What a depressing thought.

    Happy Zombie Birthday
    and a have a non-lethal new year!

  94. An angry ovary is bad enuf w/out the scary “c” word being tossed about like it was a salad. Glad things are well in the plumbing department.

  95. AHHH!! I am so happy!! For me. Because I love you. And if you had cancer that would make me SO sad. So I’ve just turned your amazing news into selfish happiness..for me. Woop woop!! (ps.. Happy for you too.. I guess.. 🙂

  96. Potentially sweeter words:

    You’re not the father.
    They’ve dropped the charges.
    Yes, that vodka is half price.

    But yeah, that’s great news. Congrats!

  97. Thank you guy-that-may-or-may-not-be-up-there, we believe in you even more now. If you could get her the MRI machine, that would be cool too.

    Congrats Jenny and Victor.

  98. That is fabulous news! I hope it won’t be inappropriate to make a little plug for my favorite cancer charity http://www.icareicure.org which funds research for kids’ cancers. In case the MRI thing doesn’t work out, maybe we can all pool our funds to help find a cure instead. (My funds are going there regardless!) Congrats on your cancer free (but still somewhat evil) ovary!

  99. Hooray! I’ve waited to hear that same news wiht friends and family before, and it’s one of the sweetest sounds in the world!

  100. Coming out of my lurking to say a hearty congratulations! My mom had a cancer scare a few years back and it was terrifying. So happy for you 🙂

  101. Glad to hear your good news. Don’t know about the MRI-for-all, those things suck up power, take up space, and are a claustrophobic’s nightmare.

    ~EdT.

  102. Congrats–thanks for sharing your good news! There was a Dr. Who episode on last night about an alien posing as a little old lady in the hospital and she modified the MRI machine so she could fry half the earth. If you had your own machine…just sayin’….

  103. Congrats! I *knew* it wasn’t cancer! (See, I can say that now and no one can prove otherwise). I hope calming down the angry ovary isn’t too difficult a task

  104. That’s very good news! I know all about angry ovaries. I have to get one removed next month because it has a non-cancerous (so far) tumor in it. That tumor used to be a bleeding cyst. Funny how it hurts a lot less now that it’s a tumor than when it was a bleeding cyst. Still, freaking out about surgery. Hopefully they figure out what’s up with your ovary so you can take care of business! Love reading the stuff you post! <3

    ~Judy

  105. There is a writer named Katherine Fugate that wrote a wonderful blog post called “the week I was dying of cancer.” It’s a little long but well worth reading. I am sorry I don’t have a link but if you google her name you can find her blog. You may have to weed past some hits about the movie New Years Eve cause she wrote that and it just got released this week. Do screenwriters get hits on google? maybe not. The point is …ummm … I forgot what my point was. I think I need an MRI scan.

  106. Fabulous news!!! now if only they can figure out what’s wrong and prevent it from happening again.

  107. Whew! That’s definitely a relief.

    (As first-posts go, there are better things I could have made them on. On the other hand, it could have also been worse …)

  108. YAY!!! That cancerw bitch has no business anywhere near your ovaries.

    0ps. Sorry for the typ0os, because I’m an idiopt I’ll be sp0ending the next month in buttf*ck Mexico, my only friend a f*cked up0 lap0top0 with a fried keyboard.

  109. Very happy Jenny.

    I had a breast cancer scare a few years ago, and in the Canadian health care system, referrals take too long. I was sent straight to the head of the oncology dept. in Toronto… it was the longest wait of my life. So I feel your pain and I am very happy for the good news.

    Now, apparently, moles on my ear and foot are extremely suspicious and the doctor needs to refer me to a dermatologist to rule out cancer. So I will have another 4-8 month wait ahead of me.

    Sucks balls.

    ________________________

  110. That’s wonderful, Santa came to your house early because you’ve been a really good girl and made lots and lots of people happy all year. That’s the best talent there is. Cancer needs to get it’s ass kicked. Can you arrange something with your frightening menagerie?

    Also I can’t do MRIs (giant magnets and pacemaker wires don’t work too well together). Can we get a PET scan or CT too? What’s another couple of $100,000?

  111. Soooo incredibly glad for your good news, but hey! It made for some comedic blogs along the way…

  112. Fabulous! For several days, perhaps a week or two, you can enjoy Life, sweet sweet life! Then it kinda wears off and you start bitching that you bought the bad kind of coffee because it was on sale and you shoulda just ponied up and bought the expensive good stuff and…. btw, by “you” I mean, of course, “me.”
    Very happy for you. Huge fucking relief.
    jill
    P.S. many thanks to unknown Trista (above) for sharing that link to my blog!

  113. So glad to hear it’s not “the cancer”. Makes me very happy for you. Hugs all around.

    …and, if you would be so kind, please keep us posted if that eggroll project takes flight. Kinda hoping it’ll also cure baldness.

  114. Well, your first paragraph made me cry and laugh in the time span of 30 seconds. I, and the universe, are happy to hear your wonderful news. Keep up the good work!
    Love, Susan

  115. Just delurking to say phew! I’m sick of hearing the other kind of news so I’m jumping wholeheartedly into the chance to celebrate this, such good news.

  116. Great news!! Congratulations!
    So now it will be forever known as the Ovary That Ruined My Vacation and Made Me Visit Yet Another Emergency Room Whilst Out Of Town
    instead of The Ovary That Has Cancer And Is Trying to Kill Me.

  117. So glad to hear the good news. It does beg the question, however, what the hell is my ovary doing to me? Hope they find the real culprit, so they can stop it now. In any case, this is a great reason to celebrate this holiday season.

  118. When I went in to get MY results last week, the doctor was awesome. The second we walked into the waiting room, he stuck his head out from the back and shouted “Benign!” Didn’t make us sweat it out even minute. And just the week earlier, he was talking about booking flights to MD Anderson and all sorts of scariness. Wonderful news, Jenny! I will count you as Christmas miracle #2! Hope you (and your sweet girl) are both feeling better.

    Your friends are amazing … Your family divine
    But the best thing of all … was to hear “It’s benign.”
    (From http://olddognewtits.com/2011/12/09/twas-a-week-since-my-surgry/)

  119. Excellent news! If you get that communal MRI machine project off the ground, make sure it’s a larger sized one. I’m a fluffy girl, and when they tried to do the MRI on my breast cancer, because of the freakish little contraption I had to lay on so the ta-tas weren’t squooshed, they couldn’t get me into the MRI chamber without breaking all my ribs. Found there wasn’t a larger one in all of SoCal, and Open MRI wouldn’t work on the ta-tas. They never managed to ‘splain WHY it wouldn’t work, just kinda visually dissed me for being too fluffy for their machine. But I eventually got the all clear. It is a sweet, sweet sound.

  120. Been there, done that! It is the best feeling, best words, biggest weight ever lifted. Congratulations.

  121. Go nuclear, try a PET scanner on kickstarter instead – forget the MRI – congratulations, it’s not cancer is really something to celebrate.

  122. Hallelujah! I love your good news. And all the wonderful comments. Thanks for being so honest and sharing it all. It makes everything better for the rest of us. You are the best.

  123. Yea! I couldn’t imagine my day without you! Now if that ovary would behave… In the meantime I will have a drink for you.

  124. So happy to hear it!!! You’re like the sister I never had. Oh wait… Never mind, I have a sister. No, wait. I DO have a sister, but you’re still like the sister I never had because my sister isn’t like you at all. She’s weird. In a not so funny way.

  125. Sister, your awesomeness would kick the ass of any rouge mutant cell in your body. It’s like your awesomeness is Wolverine or something. With both Copernicus and Beyonce as side kicks.
    Congrats on the relieving news.

  126. I am so glad to hear that your ovary is clear! Celebrate noncancer girl!

    I’m also commenting to tell you that while you are certainly light years ahead of me in blogging, I tagged you in an award post – The Versatile Blog Award – because your blog is one of my favorite places to be and I wanted to give you a shout out on my tiny little space in the internet. Shout out is athttp://mylifeincontradictions.blogspot.com/2011/12/my-turn-to-award-it-forward.html. If this is just the uncoolest of things to do as a new blogger, please disregard.

  127. You’ve been in my thoughts, I’ve been on the anxiety end of the cancer call, and it sux balls. So happy for you, so relieved for you!! Congrats on being able to breathe deeply again!!

  128. The only other thing I can think of that might would have been a tad better IF IT WERE ME would have been if they would have tacked on, “…and eat a big chunk of cake, the corner piece with lots of icing, because you’ll lose weight doing that.”

    However, I’m elated to hear your news. Thank you, Jesus….that is some really good stuff to hear.

  129. Fabulous on not having cancer in the one ovary that tried to kill you in Hawaii!! Try to enjoy Christmas and not think of anywhere else cancer could be lurking. It will make Christmas more fun, I’m betting.

    Seriously, that is fabulous news!! Deep breath. Relax. The future will take care of itself. 🙂

  130. If it makes you feel any better, I’m more than positive my job is going to give me cancer, because I have a bad habit of spilling chemicals on various body parts. If your job is a cancer free environment you’ve already got something working for you.

    Unless your other ovary becomes jealous and develops cancer in protest. Then you’re just fucked.

  131. I just realized my comment might be seen as incredibly insensitive and narcissistic. I’m incredibly happy to hear that you don’t have cancer. I can’t believe the stress that that wait put you through, and I’m glad to hear it’s over.

  132. Well, that is a definite relief. Besides, I bet the big C has heard about what hell the dark army of The Bloggess has rained down on other infidels who have merely annoyed you. Can you imagine what would forces of destruction might break loose should you be sick like that?! I shudder to think of it.

    Seriously, though, I’m very glad your ovary is just a monstrous bitch and not cancerous. 🙂

  133. Very happy for you 🙂 Frightening to say the least. Needed a great read today, typed in blogess.com on accident and got this-http://pinkedin.blogspot.com/
    So
    not
    you.
    Glad I found my way through the internet forest…

  134. My relief is almost as great as yours! We need you to live forever.

    (When my violently angry ovaries — yah, both of them — were trying to kill me, it turns out it was all about the endometriosis. Had all those inner lady parts removed, and have never felt better! Well, except for the fibro, but that’s another story.)

  135. I’ve had that freakout. Not over violently angry ovaries but a fiercely independent breast. It’s not a fun call to wait for and I know both the fear and relief. I’m glad you heard the magic words.

  136. You should organize a fundraising walkathon for not-Cancer and pay for the communal MRI machine that way. Everybody’s doing it…

  137. Since I get a huge amount of traffic from your readers, I need you not to get cancer. Like never.

    So, start eating some broccoli or something. I heard from a dude that totally stops cancer. Like, for real.

    Delfin Joaquin Paris III

  138. Fan freaking tastic news. As for the who knows what’s swirling elsewhere, if you had any blood work drawn they’ve probably ruled out a bunch of other stuff too, just by nothing being alarming, so yay for that too.

  139. You are a riot! You find humor in virtually every thing life offers us. If you don’t find it, you shove it in there.

  140. I was so relieved when my doctor told me the lump on my thyroid wasn’t cancer that I invited him to our New Year’s Eve party on the spot. Except, we weren’t having a New Year’s Eve party. But I would have gotten one together just to celebrate, because I was so grateful that they weren’t going to cut my throat open and do unspeakable things in there!! So, yeah, I can totally relate!

    Now, stop inventing trouble for yourself, you have much more serious things to worry about. Like… finding a mate for Beyonce! Seriously! Beyonce needs a giant metal rooster to hang out with, totally. It’s a necessity. He can glare intimidatingly at anyone who gets too close to his girl…

  141. I’m so relieved for you! I have cysts too and am led to believe that a rupture at some point is inevitable… your story is one more reason I’m really hoping mine will find a way to resolve themselves nonviolently. As for your MRI machine… the Internet is full of resources: if you can’t raise funds for an MRI machine on Kickstarter, you look for a used one on eBay or try to get one made of yarn via Etsy. That’s how I got my artisanal CAT scanner!

  142. YAY for not having necessary or unecessary cancer! We BOTH got great news today. Today I found out that my husband’s Afghanistan deployment has been canceled! WOOHOO for awesome days!!

  143. CONGRATULATIONS! Don’t you think there’s a market for cards for this occasion? You’re probably the only person who could get away with “Congratulations for not having cancer!” cards.

  144. I am so glad you were fortunate enough to hear those words! I was also very lucky. But I had to track down my results. My doctor forgot to call me. So I waited an extra week before I called her. Then she wasn’t even there. I had to ask the nurse to find out if she could tell me. When she finally said it wasn’t cancer, I cried tears of relief for the first time in my life. I have had to have tests and wait to hear those words twice more. It never gets easier. I hope you always hear those words! The alternative is unimaginable. Congratulations!

  145. It would have been sweeter surely if she’d then added “…and we’re giving you 10,000 dollars.”
    But hey, hope they suss out the cause of the problem for you quickly.

  146. A big collective sigh of relief has been uttered with the publishing of those words. You must be relieved beyond words 🙂

  147. Great news – congrats to you ( and Victor ) – what a relief.

    I had a lump in my breast about a year ago. Got sent directly from the OBGYN to Mammography for a scan. Scared the bejeezus out of me. They wanted the est done that day. Now. I had to wait a few agonizing days. Thinking I was going to be leaving my 10 year old without a Mom. I was horrified. Pissed.

    I saw an ancient Dr who gave me the results. He said – and I quote “Your breasts are utterly unremarkable.”

    I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. No cancer – but did he have to say “Unremarkable” ???

    Good for you – I’m very happy to hear your excellent results.

  148. So happy for you! Our left ovaries must be distantly related, or just telepathically linked in some way, because I just had a cyst removed from mine last week. The fucker had HAIR! So totally gross, but kinda weirdly neat too. Copernicus would have totally had a playmate, but they didn’t let me keep it…bastards.

    Oh, and my mom keeps telling me it’s my twin that I devoured in the womb and wouldn’t let live…because that’s what they said on House…

    Seriously, if I’m capable of eating my own twin, why the hell is she trying to annoy me?

  149. I was having problems with an overy that was trying to kill me. I was scared it was cancer. It took 2 doctors looking at my ultrasound to tell me I have polycystic ovarian cysts. or p.c.o.s that can grow to weigh over a couple lbs which is why i was feeling intense pressure. long story short, it makes it hurt! sublte weight gain or difficulty loosing weight and some other unfun symptoms. ask about it! all i had to do is eat differenlty and the symptoms decreased dramatically!

  150. Whew! Glad to hear the good news. : )

    Now, go punch your ovary in the face until it cries and tells you what its fucking problem is.

  151. I just had my ovary and tube removed a week ago. They found a solid mass the size of a lemon on an ultrasound, during which they violated me agressively with the vag-wand… Between the time they saw the mass and my surgery I lovingly referred to it as my Tumor Baby. During my middle of the night panic attacks, I created many scenarios of how my cancer treatments owuld go. I comforted myself in thinking that maybe after I lost all my hair I would grow back a luxurious wavy mane of hair to replace the limp thin head of hair I currently have. I had specific tasks for each of my friends that they would be required to perform without question while I was undergoing treatment. I had it all planned out. After surgery the surgeon told me it was actually two grapefruit sized, pear shaped tumors fused together, about three times the size they originally thought. I was a little excited to find out I actually had Siamese tumors, and even more excited to learn that it was cancer free. I celebrated with a cup of ginseng tea and a Percoset and I’ll deal with the crappy hair… Glad your scare turned out like mine.

  152. Good. Keep it that way, will ya? Cancer is not allowed in my favorite people who I’ve never actually met. Or my favorite people who I have met. Or people who I’ve met/never met that I don’t hate.

  153. I am so happy for you. Though you would have made an awesome Cancer Princess, I am glad you are not a member of my club. Thanks for keeping me happy.

  154. I have an idea for a card for your collection:

    Front: “It’s not cancer”
    Inside: “It could be a lot of other things, but thank god it’s not cancer.”

  155. I’m relieved to hear it but I knew that James Garfield would never let something like this fuck Christmas up for all of us.

    Carry on, Motherfucker.

  156. Not cancer is always a good thing to hear! I hope that the ovary in question settles down, starts behaving itself, and quits bothering you.

  157. Hello Bloggess, first, congrats on the lack of cancer. That is awesome. Second, you may remember me from such interactions as my co-worker including your blog post as a job requirement for our interns (http://blog.giveforward.com/category/aboutgiveforward/job-opportunities) and then us being so excited when you tweeted about us making you a job requirement. The important point I’m trying to make is that we can help you fundraise for an MRI machine. Seriously, that is what we do at GiveForward. We help people fundraise for out-of-pocket medical expenses. We have even been called the Kickstarter of medical expenses. Imagine that. 🙂
    While you would probably be the first person to fundraise to buy an MRI machine, who knows, you might start a trend. Oh and our fundraising coaches would be happy to give you lots of tips on how to raise money for an MRI machine, like perhaps offering a free MRI to everyone who donates (just kidding, that’s probably a bad idea).
    What I’m getting at is…. come use GiveForward.com to raise money for your MRI. Not only would we NOT reject you, but we would actually encourage and assist you. You even get a coach. Check it out: http://www.giveforward.com/. Tell ’em Cate sent you and they might even throw in a stuffed evil monkey as a welcome present.

  158. Last year, two effing days before Christmas I got a call that they found a lump in my mammogram films. My sister is currently dying of breast cancer so it kinda scared the hell outta me. Three and a half weeks later I got the same call (that it was not cancer).

    So, anyway, I feel your pain and I’m so thankful you got that call. As for the rest of your body being riddled: i will totally cross my fingers that it isn’t. And you can have my share in the MRI.

  159. I know I should be all “congrats on the no cancer ovary” but honestly, the words “one violently angry ovary” scare the shit out of me! I mean, at least if it was cancer they’d take it out, you’d do some chemo, lose your hair, get some cool wigs, probably get to smoke some weed.

    One violently angry ovary sounds like you’re going to be shived in some sort of crazy-ass ninja ovary attack, and be ripped apart into little pieces. In a very angry way.

    But congrats on your non-cancer ovary!! But good luck with that ninja ovary attack. That sucker is gonna be ugly.

  160. Merry Christmas, my dear Bloggess! Now you can enjoy the holidays (relatively) worry-free. Tell that bitch ovary that she can be removed via arthroscopic surgery with only 2 stitches to tell the tale unless she straightens up and flies right!

  161. I’m glad to hear it wasn’t cancer. A few years back, I had an ovary removed because of a gigantic cyst and because it had “suspicious cells,” which made it sound a bit like a terrorist ovary. They made the incision through my belly button to remove the whole thing. It was a surprisingly minor surgery. On a side note, doesn’t “Angry Ovary” sound like the name of an indie comic?

  162. Wooo! Much virtual celebratory hugging to you… While you’re at it, get Copernicus to give your non-cancerous little bugger of an ovary a big ole hug too… 😉

  163. SO glad it’s not cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now hopefully you can breathe a huge sigh of relief and enjoy the holidays!

  164. So very happy for you – glad your killer ovary did not have the whispering killer.
    My awesome friend has been fighting ovarian cancer for years and spreading awareness so people can identify and fight it at an earlier stage. She is awesome. You should now rejoice, paint your toenails teal, and meet her!
    http://www.tealtoes.org/
    We will do the Ovarian Cycle Dallas fundraiser in February. You are welcome to join us – she has chemo and not using it as an excuse – so I have shame to get my out of shape butt moving for an hour.
    p.s. My 12 yr old daughter and I just bought a metal chicken for a white elephant gift, but we will be fighting to keep it. It is awesome. Thanks for the joy and laughter you spread.

  165. Glad it’s not cancer. I too know the stress of waiting for the results (it’s even worse when the results are “pre-cancerous”)

  166. Congratulations and remember, think positive! It’s certainly a frightening thing to go through, but I’m glad to hear it turned out for the best.

  167. My mom’s having exploratory surgery today… She’s had cancer twice and this is her third scare. I’m really praying hard that we hear the same words today…. hold thumbs for a scared little girl in South Africa..xx

  168. Thank God!

    Now go kick that fucking ovary or whatever else is going awry in the FUCKING FACE until it stops treating you like this. You ain’t no doormat, Jenny.