UDATED! FREAKING. OUT.

in Random Crap

This is supposed to be a post about how awesome sharks are but I can’t even do it because OHMYGODYOUGUYSMYBOOKISHERE.  And MY AUDIO BOOK TOO.  Sorry for all the screaming but I just got the final, hardback version that comes out next month and then I screamed a little because this is a decade in the making and also because OHMYGODYOUGUYS it comes out next month.

Sorry.  I’m geeking out in an incredibly embarrassing fashion but I can’t help it and you’ve been with me through this entire process so I want to celebrate with you.

So to celebrate I’m giving away an autographed copy of my book and of the audiobook too.  Just leave a comment and this week one of you will be randomly selected to win this:

Not the cat butt. That's mine.

And in related, panic-inducing news, I’m going on tour.  Much like Bon Jovi.  Or like artifacts from terrible disasters.

Details below! (Graphic courtesy of my amazing friend, Len):

Click on the graphic for details and ticket info. More locations might be coming soon. I'll keep you posted.

Come?  Pretty please?

UPDATED:  WE have a winner!  Leigh-Ellen of Canada, a book is on its way to you.  And a huge thank you for such an amazing show of support.  I so love you guys.

4,717 thoughts on “UDATED! FREAKING. OUT.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Holy crap! I just saw how many replies there were. lol Can’t even find mine in the midst. I figured maybe I dreamt that I posted one and didn’t really, so I figured I was losing my mind and decided to post another one to make myself feel better.

    BTW You are the shit, so it is totally ok to be overjoyously exhuberant

  3. Holy rusted metal Batman! After reading the HR story I really can’t wait to read the entire book. Plus, mice in capes are kind of a hobby of mine….true story.

  4. Will you come to Canada as part of your tour? Specifically Ontario? More specifically Toronto area?? Pretty Please

  8. Well, fuck me sideways! You’re not coming to Atlanta. I guess I’ll have to travel to good Ole Angelo. Keep it between us that it’s really to visit you and not my family. Love your blog! Already preordered the book.

  9. OMG, you are coming to a REAL Bookstore in Dallas! I can’t wait! I hope I win the autographed book, then I could get it re-autographed when you come!

  10. You have every right to geek out! I would be unable to speak from screaming with delight, myself. Please save my book budget and (randomly) pick me for the free copy!

  12. Free book please! Seriously, though,even if you don’t send it to me for free, I’ll still get it. So, you shouldn’t feel too bad if you don’t pick me. I mean, you should definitely feel a little bad. Just not TOO bad.

  13. Oooh, congrats! Looking forward to reading your book! The exerpt you posted was hilarious! I’m sure the rest is going to be aaaawesome! 🙂

  16. Come to Boston!!! Please!! Unless it is after August, then come to Philly (see, I will be moving and I would HATE to miss you).

    Also, please forgive me for not pre-ordering your book. I’ve been waiting for the audio version so I can hear exactly how you would say things instead of my brain’s own interpretation of how you say things. Delivery is everything, Jenny.

  17. I may or may not have preordered this for my sister’s birthday just so that she’d let me read it when she’s done. But, if I had my own copy, it would make me seem far less selfish, right? Love your blog, you make me nearly pee my pants every time I read.

  18. OH MY GOD!!! Please come to Kansas City!! Please, please, please!!! I don’t have any stuffed animals to bribe you with, but you are amazeballs.

    I hope you take the tour well; I imagine it will be stressful.

    -Morgaine-

  19. Wow! I started the countdown weeks ago, but now the long wait has changed to ‘it isn’t long before I’ve got it in my hands’ 🙂

    Seeing as I’m #3980-something(stupid nasty computervirus leaving me offline for almost two weeks) and from Norway I don’t expect getting a signed copy, but it doesn’t really matter as long as I get the book

  20. I am with Amy PLEASE COME TO KANSAS CITY!!!!!!!!
    LOL I live near BFE so I will come to you i you make it to KC 🙂

    Just so you know you are my idol!!

    Thanks

  22. I burnt my oatmeal today while I was trying to save the world…………..bummer. Preordered 2 copies of your book last month…………..HURRY UP AMAZON!!!

  23. florida! you should come to north florida! it’s hot and icky like texas, but with more rain (hopefully).

  24. So wish you were coming to Albuquerque. But I totally get that very few people come here since almost no one can pronounce it and everyone else thinks it’s in Mexico.

  26. I can’t in good conscience ask you to come to Alabama (it’s hot, and there are wolves), so come to Nashville instead!

  28. You should come to Alaska it’s not nearly as cold as you think (in the summer time) I love the embossed Hamlet von Schnitzel under the dust jacket.

  31. I have pre-ordered your book on Amazon, couldn’t get a book plate allllll the way out in New Zealand though. LOVE YOU!

  32. I see you’ve decided to completely neglect NZ on your tour. Guess I can forgive you, what with it being on the other side of the world ‘n all. Congratulations on your book release. I for one can’t wait to read it. It’s coming out just in time for my birthday!

  34. I would love a copy of your book – just recently found you and you are hilarious.

  35. In my head, you’re like this awesome friend of mine. So Yay for your book!!! I cannot wait to read it, I promise to read it on a bus, laughing at all the funny bits and not mind when people stare at the crazy lady (me) crying with laughter. 🙂 Congratulations on it finally being done. xx

  37. HOLY CRAP there are a million comments on here. Okay, so maybe only 4,000+ but the likelihood of me winning is not great, but here’s my comment anyway because you are amazing and even though I’ve already paid for your book I want to win one with your autograph cause you’re probably never going to come to Nashville and I’m never going to get your actual signature in my book. So maybe I can win this one and then I’ll have it. Also, I’ve had a truly shitty day and add to that PMS and I’m ready to murder my children, husband and dogs. Please save them! If I win, I’ll be happy and I won’t hurt anyone. 😉 Thanks.

  40. I almost didn’t enter this because I really wanted the fuzzy cat butt (who doesn’t want one of those??? Plus, it had the tail attached too – so many uses), but the book and audio book would be a pretty cool prize to win too. Thanks and CONGRATS!!!

  41. That cat butt looks like a cat butt that used to live with me. Sadly, the cat butt that lived with me died (the whole cat, not just his butt) because of kidney failure which is an awful horrible way to watch your best friend die. I apologize for being a downer so….
    ….congratulations on receiving your book! That’s truly exciting and I wish you the very best with it.

  44. The other day I read an article about various unique taxidermied animals for sale on-line. Of course I thought of you!

  47. Audiobook!!! I’ve already ordered the Kindle version, but can’t resist the chance to hear you read it (you’re the narrator, right)? Hope we’ll see you in San Diego on the tour.

  49. Am I too late to win? Corte Madera is rather far from me and potentially hard to get to on a Friday night, but I’m going to give it my best shot.

  50. Wow, you’re going to be one tired camper after all that traveling!! Can’t wait to read it. =)

  51. How many booze slushees will it take to convince you to come back to Colorado? There are still plenty of nice bathrooms you could visit in Denver.

  52. Oh sadness. Corte Madera is far away from San Francisco.

    So excited for this book.

  53. I would love to have the book & audiobook!! I already pre-ordered one but since you won’t be in Phoenix I can’t get it signed. So, so sad.

    My family doesn’t understand why all of my stories start with, “..and then the Bloggess said…” I’m pretty sure they believe that I am delusional and you and Victor are my imaginary friends. I guess you kind of are.

    Just imagine the hours of fun I will have with all of that new material to share. *maniacal laugh*

  55. congratulations on the book! I can’t wait to read it! sad that you arent coming near me on your book tour

  56. Ohmygodohmygod! I’m so excited for you! Also quite excited to read your book, which I will do even if I don’t win. I hope you add Portland, OR to your tour, because I tell ya! I’d come out and wait like a geek in line for you to sign my book and listen in rapture to every word you said.

  57. Congrats! You should come to Vancouver, Canada. Or I could always do a road trip down south.

  60. Totally justifiable freaking out! I’ll have a drink to celebrate! Was gonna have one anyway…

  61. Freaking Fantastic! I totally want your book! It would be even better if you gave me one with your pretty little scribbles on it too! Congratulations!

  62. Random comment to win your favor (and possibly the signed book): I got married last month. Our cake guy will bake us a free cake on our first, fifth, tenth, twenty-fifth, and fiftieth anniversary. We just have to call him a week or so in advance. So I set the reminders on my Google calendar. I also set a reminder for February 2027 that simply says “15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”

  63. I really want this book. Just send it to me and ignore all these other people. 😉

  64. Come to Chicago! You and Beyonce have a huge following here. Congratulations on the book. I am thrilled for your success!

  67. Just emailed for a ticket for the Writer’s Block in LA, I saw Penn Jillette there last year, FAB! Cannot wait!

  71. Congratulations on your book and the tour! I know you’ve worked really hard, and it must feel so wonderful to finally see the fruits of your labor. I wish you were coming to Phoneix on your tour, because I would love to meet you in person. I also really hope I win the contest, because I’ve decided that your book will make the perfect birthday present for my best friend, and I want one for myself, too, but I’m pretty broke. I can’t decide if I want the hardcover version or the audio book, though. The audio book would be great because I could listen to it while I’m at work, but then what if I laughed too hard and peed my pants at my desk? I should probably be prepared with an extra emergency pair of pants, just in case. Anyway, congratulations again! I can’t wait to read your book!

  73. I love the mouse in the little Elizabethan collar and cape! Totally cute. I am sure the book will read like be a modern Comedy of Errors. You always brighten my day and make me laugh like crazy. Thanks and Congratulations!

  74. YAY!!!!! so excited to read the book, but an autographed copy would be even better – than I could brag to everyone about how my book was better than theirs! =)

  81. I shall leave a comment and then pretend it never happened… because I never win stuff. BUT I did order the book on my kindle and I expect it to be delivered to me at 12:07am of THE DAY! So I put an appointment on my calendar then I won’t miss a moment. Also I may get the audio book too because… we just because. Congrats on the book Jenny! Awesome indeed.

  84. Seattle is waiting for you to say you’ll come with our little fists clenched in anticipation!

  87. well I already pre-ordered my copy of your fantabulous book but I would still love to win a signed copy with the audio book because WHY WOULDN’T I??

    I’d also like to invite you to tour Canada someday. We’re really cool up here. Literally and figuratively!

  88. I’ve already pre-ordered my book, so don’t pick me, but PLEASE COME CLOSE TO ME! I work at a theater and if you came here, I’d probably die of shock, then show you all the best bathrooms. Pleasepleaseplease.

  89. I hope your tour makes its way to New England. We need a little of your awesomeness up here!

  91. VeRy excited about your book! I love reading your blog. Keep up the great work. 🙂

  94. Congrats!! I can’t wait. P.S. with all of these entries, if I win I am immediately going out and buying a lotto ticket.

  97. cannot wait for this to hit the shelves in Adelaide, Australia 😀

  99. How exciting!!! Icannot wait to read it, or hear it, or whichever! Come to Santa Fe! For no reason other than it’s cool.

  100. FANTASTIC! And OMG so many comments!

    Am super sad you’re not coming to the UK. But tbh, I’m disabled so I doubt I could get to see you even if you were. But have an awesome time touring and omg, just, wow. As a wanna-be writer I have some idea of just how amazing this is for you because I DREAM ABOUT IT. Have a fabulous time, and scare everyone 🙂

  101. I cannot wait to get my hands on a physical copy of this book.
    AND, you should come to Guelph, Ontario. We’ve got a wicked fab bookstore downtown. We’re part of Canada that doesn’t engage in beating baby seals with clubs. And there are TWO shops where you can get poutine. Or you can eat somewhere with a full menu.

    Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  102. Please come to Tampa FL! (but not in August. There are a bunch of sadistic moralistic prigs showing up. Otherwise known as the RNC).

  103. Sure wish you were coming to Pocatello, Idaho! You have fans here, no doubt!

  105. Been a reader for the past couple months thanks to my friend who got me hooked on your funny stories! CAN’T WAIT FOR THE BOOK!!!! 😀

    Talia <3

  109. Please reward my first ever comment with a copy of your book. Please?

  112. I want to win. The odds are low, but It would be nice to win something. Don’t you think?

    Tell you what, let’s make this interesting. Let’s tempt fate. If I win, by totally random drawing, I will send you one of the four author copies I got of my own book.

  113. Much as I’d love a free (and autographed!) copy, I’m sure I’ll eventually gather the funds to buy one if I don’t win. 😛

    But seriously, I can’t imagine how exciting it is to get to hold a real copy of a real book that you really wrote! That’s awesome!

  115. Hello Jenny,
    I love your blog and have been following you since the summer. Your hilarious posts have brought me through dark times and have given me another person to connect to in some levels.
    Thank you for everything.

  116. Wow! The timing couldn’t be better!!!! I just recently started blogging and have been working on my first book. Congratulations to you!!!!

  117. You should come visit us in Canada!! I already wanted to read the book, but the excerpt you posted made me want it even more! Can’t wait!

  118. I am only leaving a comment in hopes that out of over 4000 people and counting, I might be the one to win an awesome book from you. Because I’m cheap like that 🙂

  119. The very first blog of yours I read was about Beyonce, and the phrase “Knock, knock motherfucker” had me laughing so much I about wet myself, and I sent it to all my friends!

    You deserve your book, your are very funny, but what the heck……..YOU’RE NOT COMING TO DENVER?????

  120. Congrats Jenny! Can’t wait to read it! And love the cat butt….they just have to be in the middle of everything, don’t they?! 🙂

  121. Well, I would have commented for a chance to win the cat butt. Because it’s YOUR cat butt.

    Maybe that’s too creepy. Is that creepy? I think it might be creepy.

    (please don’t get a restraining order)

  122. I’d love a copy of your book, wish I could buy one. Hopefully I’ll be able to buy it eventually if I don’t win it!

  124. I am impressed that you wrote a book that is so much about you. i hate having people read anything I write. It feels as if I am undressing in front of them (and that would not be pretty. Unless they were sight impaired). Sadly, my job requires a lot of writing.

    So congratulations. It is an amazing accomplishment and I can’t wait to read it.

  125. You should come to somewhere in the midwest, preferably Minneapolis! We are really nice people, I promise!

  126. Fan-freakin-tastic! Big Congrats!! Soon you will be able to buy ANY taxidermied animal your heart desires!

  127. OH. MY. LORD. By the looks of it, you’ll be traveling the entire country on a book tour. You’ll make oodles of money and can buy towels to your hearts content. The best part? Victor can’t say a word because you can just show him the sold out dates. Finally, don’t freak out. It’s called vodka. Have a shot – or two. Celebrate and bask in your awesomeness.

    Congrats. You deserve it (and all the towels in the freakin world).

  128. I love love love your blog, it helps me get through the day to day insanity that is life. I have honestly never been more excited about a book! Are you going to do any book signing locally ( I’m a fellow hill country resident)?

  129. Could you please come to Florida so you can sign my book. I’ll get you into Disney World

  130. I would totally love to win this! Though, if I don’t win, I might have to do something drastic. Like buy the book. =D <3

  131. Come to Columbus, OH!!! We have Wendy’s, the Buckeyes and Jack Hanna! What more could you want?

  133. HOLY SHIT I WANT IT. the cat butt. BUT, if i cannot have it, then i will settle for your whatsahoosy book there.

    i also want to go see you. if i am able to (in ny) then i am dressing up either as an otter or a 40s actress. i can’t decide which one. maybe a 40s otter actress. like, an otter who is an actress. not an actress that only plays otters. talk about typecasting. she’s never get any work…who the fuck needs otters?

  137. Holy cow there are a lot of comments in this here thing you all call a posty bloggy thing.

  139. Well I wish you were coming to Chicago (or even better Madison, WI).

    The bookstores have been warned to set up the book signing in the bathroom correct 😉 Don’t worry we will all be hiding in there with you ’cause we will be having panic attacks just worrying about what we will say to you in the 30 seconds it will take for you to sign our books.

    I have not bought your book yet but that is in hopes that one of two things will happen a) I win the book b) my husband buys it for me. Otherwise it will have to be c) I will check it out from the Library since as a Librarian I try to get most of my books through the library (and my husband doesn’t want any more books in the babies room).

  140. I’m a fairly new reader of your blog, but I have to say that I find myself wanting to use the term “Let’s pretend this never happened” a lot at work. Rest assured that I make sure to tell people that this is the title of an upcoming book. In any case, the title of your book may become a popular expression in the Federal government (maybe more popular than “Close enough for government work”), and you better come to the Washington, DC area quickly before I completely ruin local sales of your book.

  141. If I win I will totally share a bag of Swedish fish and Trolli sour gummy worms with you! I will french braid your hair, too…

  142. Yay! I cannot wait to read your book. I just wish you were touring closer to me so I could go.

  143. I LOVE your blog! I can’t wait to read the book too!!!! I hope you come to PA!

  144. You have to come to BOSTON!!!! Because I seriously do not have the money to get to New York. Pllllleeeeeaaaassseee say you will come???

  145. omgomgomgomgomg you’re coming to San Antonio. I moved here from Michigan a few months ago. You’re coming to San Antonio!! omgomgomgomg That was so worth the move!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  147. *sigh* I hope Oklahoma makes the next tour. 🙂 Pick me for a copy of the book though!!

  150. Wow, prizes! I’ve already pre-ordered two copies, but if I won, then I could keep the autographed one and score double-brownie points by giving the other two away! And I could listen to the audio book while reading the print copy and trick myself into thinking that my internval voice speaks with an American accent.

    Also, if I win, I will send you a picture of my cat’s butt at no charge.

  152. i want this book so bad it hurts. and i think that you should totally come to maine on your tour, because we’re way up in the friggin’ corner by canada and nobody ever comes here because they forget we’re a state. but you should totally come here, because we sometimes have sharks. congratulations!

  153. I’ ure ove to hve the uio verion. Oh gw. my eybor i broken. Au io ver ion. get it?

  155. oh holy shit! I am so damn excited for you. I have tried (in vain) to get tickets to see you in Los Angeles. I even got my husband to agree to drive me up there, ahhhhhh, but no word yet.

    I would so love to win these. Seriously.

  156. Oh my that’s a lot of comments! This is the first thing I’ve ever pre-ordered in my life! I can’t wait!!

  157. It would be really cool if you came somewhere to south dakota. I’d even be willing to drive the 6 hours to minneapolis. just a thought!

  158. A comment about leaving a comment: Comments are rough. I very rarely feel the need to sprinkle accolades or hatred upon bloggers, in the style of “I love you!” or “I can’t believe your brain works in such a way, you dumbass!” But, when you wave a shiny, autographed book in my face by someone I actually want to read…. well, let’s just say it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

  159. I am so excited, my husband has asked me to stop talking about it! He thinks I am a little more than a little obsessive. He keeps saying ” Do you read anything but The Bloggess? All you ever do is quote her.” You need to head to Florida so I can bring him to meet your royal highness!

    Can’twaitsoexcitedmayhavetohireanannysoIcansitdownandjustread.

    Oh and if you were to pick me it would totally make my Millenium.

  160. I would love a copy of the book. If possible, could Ferris Meewler sign (or paw?) it also.
    Thanks

  164. Jenny puh-leez come to DC! I would pay buckets of money to see you (and of course those buckets are theoretical since I am too busy spending all my money on Unicorn Success Club exploits)!

  165. Congratulations on the book! You should come to Vegas, but authors NEVER come to Vegas. I think publishers think no one here can read anything other than tattoos. . .

  166. You are going to rock the kittykat socks off of this book tour. And, I don’t want to alarm you, but when you come to San Fran I might find you and dry hump you. I will hold twine to make you more comfortable because I’m considerate like that. Can’t WAIT for the book.

  167. I am counting the days to pick my copy up at the little book shop in our town ( have to support our local merchants!) I stumbled on your blog in Woman’s Day Magazine and was hooked ever since. Thank you so much for pulling me out of a dark place and have put a a little sun in my day.

  168. I would LOVE an autographed copy of your book (and, of course, the audiobook). Especially since I just realized that I can’t make your signing here in San Antonio–I’ll be teaching a chem lab that night. 🙁 Have lots of fun on your tour!

  169. B&N told me to expect your book the day before I leave for my honeymoon! I’m so excited I will have something wonderful to read on the flight to Spain!

    *Oh and I love that you’re a Texan and have multiple stops here. I will see you in Dallas!

  170. I had a really crappy week and winning your book would turn everything around! And CONGRATS! What an accomplishment.

  172. At the time I’m adding this, there are 4,132 comments. That’s a crapload of people wanting your signed book. I’ve pre-ordered it, and hope to get an autographed book plate, but add me to the list of people that want the autographed book, too!

  173. Ohmigod Jenny. Why must you do this to me. First I see that you’re not coming anywhere NEAR where I live (the Midwest) and I decided to cry. Then I remembered that I am headed for New York in mid/late April, and I got extremely excited again, for that is when you are going on tour. Then I scrolled back up to check the dates and YOU ARE THERE ONLY THREE DAYS BEFORE I AM.
    This is so painful. So close I can almost taste it.

  176. That cat butt totally looks like my cat’s butt. If I had a cat. And if that cat had long grey hair…

    I’m so excited about your book!!!

  177. Oh. My. GOAT!!! It’s almost time!! I am SOOOO excited I may pop! I’ve had my copy on order for 100 years. Now all I have to do is decide if I am going to stalk you in Austin or San Angelo or both!! Yay!

  183. You are absolutely hysterical! My cousin could not figure out why I was laughing so hard that tears were running down my face. So I read him your blog, the excerpt from your soon to be out book….and all he could do was slowly shake his head and chuckle.

    Me…I’m still howling with laughter

  184. Only recently discovered you. And have fallen in love. Ordered your book and can’t wait to read it. May even treck up to the book store when you are in town if it is an evening book signing. I have social anxiety – and I’d take my 9 year old as my buffer just so I can get out. 🙂

  185. Come to SC & you can hang out in my bathroom. I’ll let folks line up on my front lawn to have their book signed. We’ll cook out in the backyard & you can see my metal chicken. I’ll invite some cool women & we can wear red dresses while we sit around the fire drinking wine.

  186. I am sad you won’t be coming to Seattle, so instead I’m putting on my cheerleading outfit and sending my love and support as you wend your way through the country. If you ever make it to Seattle we promise to take good care of you and provide you with endless amounts of laughter and good food. 🙂

  187. PUH-LEASE come to Portland, OR!!!!!!! Powell’s Books (a whole city block of books, 4floors), sad hipsters, happy hipsters, lots of food, even more happy hours, and guaranteed fan base!!!!!

  189. So, I was just trolling through, 4137 messages…I guess that’s how many people want an autographed copy of your book. (I posted early–even though I’ve already bought two copies.)

    And I was thinking, you’re going on tour. People are going to want you to sign lots of books. That’s not good for RA, I imagine. So, I have an idea. You are so amazingly creative, and surrounded by such creative people, you should have a special signature stamp created just for you. It will be like an autograph, but less painful. It could be a silhouette of Beyonce, or a Curler, or something even more special, because I’m not creative, but I wanted to share this, because I want to come see you on tour, and have you sign a book (I’ll buy a third!) but I don’t want you to hurt.

  190. If you come to Boston, we will have a parade for you. A PARADE, Jenny. I SWEAR ON MY FATHER’S GRAVE THAT THERE WILL BE A PARADE. I’ll probably have to wait until after he dies to swear on his grave, but I will totally do that when it happens. We’ll just have the parade first.

  191. I just sent the link to the excerpt from your book to all the employment lawyers I know. Tales from HR are the best reading. I think your book is going to be in our law library very soon.

  192. I’m so excited about your book that I even ordered the Kindle download that I’m willing to break my ‘never pay over $10 for a book’ rule.

    You could come to Corpus Christi and hold the tour in my bathroom. It’s very spacious and I make aresome wine slushies. Just sayin’

  194. I love you and Beyonce. I want to be your best friend. I am not weird. I’m sometimes hilarious. I am 31 years old and a medical student. All my friends are 22 and I have lots of funny stories about them PLEASESENDMEYOURBOOK!

  196. I cannot wait to read your book! Would love a copy and the audio book too! Wish Denver was on your list….

  197. Please please come to NC! I live in a super small town near Raleigh and we have a metal animal farm…pretty sure Beyonce’s dad is hanging out there. We even have pigs with wings. I’m gonna have to take a picture for you. I’m beyond excited for you and for me–me because I can’t wait to read your book!

    Well done you!

  198. I would so much love an autographed copy of your book and audio book! Plus also, you should come to Nebraska because I’m from Texas like you and want to see you on tour but live in NE for college right now. Plus also you are the most awesome and I love you Jennie.

  200. I am SO disappointed that you are not coming to Chicago. The only thing that will make me feel better is winning this giveaway. Not even cheese could make me feel better right now. Only winning.

  201. You totally need to come to Richmond, VA. Cake Wrecks did! (And I would absolutely love a copy of the book, print or audio. :D)

  202. Congrats Jenny!

    But WTF?

    Are you somehow touring in your bathroom?

    Because otherwise, where will you hide?

    Have you and Juanita thought this through?

  203. I would LOVE an autographed copy of your book.

    Plus, the nearest bookstore is two hours away. It’s going to be hard for me to get there and buy it any time soon 😮 (Although, if I’m being perfectly honest…I probably won’t be at the mall again until Christmastime.)

    Second…I would love to read more on the chapter on human relations. I work for an attorney…and read a lot of medical records. And psych packets. Psych packets are the worst. Or the medical records that involve sexually transmitted diseases. I know stuff about men and their penises, and women and their vag’s…than I know about my own vag. And that’s just sad.

  205. What? You aren’t coming to Peoria, Il???? WTF? I’ve been reading the excerpts, and I can’t wait to read the whole thing. You are amazing, which I’m sure you hear all the time. Except? I MEAN IT. Of course all those others mean it too. Of course.

  207. I’d give anything if you could get a little closer to New Mexico. Albuquerque is a beautiful place, in case you ever wondered. I can’t wait to get my grubby hands on your book, reading your blog has become one of my favorite things to do. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with all of us here on the interwebz.

  208. Dude! Huge congrats on the upcoming release and the awesomeness of having it there, real, in your hands! And consider me to have raised my hand to enter the draw!!

  209. WooHoo! I can only imagine you’re excitement! Way to go, we’re all so proud of you =) I can’t wait to get my copy. Whether by winning or paying full price! Worth it.

  211. Omg, I misspelled your…. that’s going to stare at me for hours. It’s going to linger in my head, forever living on this page. Oh balls.

  212. If I were going to be anywhere near any of these places I would totally be there.

  213. Love your blog and tweets. I sent my sister-in-law to read your blog, and we both discovered we need squirrels for our cell phones. Yes, we are that cool. Can’t wait for the book!

  214. Ken is right, you need to come to Portland. In addition to the aforementioned Powell’s (the Holy of Holies for bibliophiles), there’s also your choice of hundreds of delicious local wines that could be made into slushies. And beer – oh such beer! And food – oh such food! But all of it will be as dry ashes in our mouths if you do not come to visit.

  215. You need to come to Ohio!! Plus, I love that your cat’s butt is in your book picture…

  216. Oh right, you’ll need an e-mail address to tell me if I get the free book – I left it this time round.

  219. Oh please, oh please, oh please come to Seattle!! We will buy your book a lot.
    Can’t wait to get my hands on it!! Woo! Congratulations.

  221. I can’t wait for the book to come out! BTW, be on the lookout for a solar powered dancing duck! I found one, glued it to my dash and am pretty sure it is as awesome as the metal chicken!

  223. I am totally stalking you when you come to SF on the 20th! Seriously, I just booked my sub for school… Can we party in the bathroom together and share anxiety meds if you freak out from all the adoration??? Pretty please? I’ve got Xanax – I assume you’ve got some good shit too…

  224. yay! You’re coming to the Bay Area. If you promise NOT to hide in the bathroom, I’ll come to the book-buying celebration (and who wouldn’t want to go to a book-buying celebration?)

    On the other hand, if you promise to hide in the bathroom, I’ll bring the flask. Unless you bring your own. Then I’ll bring *a* flask.

  225. So I just reread the post about Copernicus the taxidermied monkey and just wanted to tell you I actually got the old tear eye again – it’s been months and I still get a hilarity induced tear eye every time I even think about it — it was my first intro to your site via Pinterest and now I am a follower of course, lovelovelove it — have already pre-ordered the book on Amazon and all — but I just had to write here to give you even more counts on the love meter of your comment section. Keep up the fabulous work, woman.

  228. I may possibly faint if you come to Ohio. Pleeease come and you can gaze upon our giant cement corns and building-sized baskets!

  229. I am only commenting because I want a free book; also because I live in Iowa and nobody fucking comes to Iowa. I almost always shit my pants laughing every time I read your blog…too much info? My bad. Let’s pretend this never happened. Please randomly pick me so I can take a day off of being a mommy to read your book. Nobody questions me when I lock myself in my room anymore, since I tend to get fucking crazy especially during the winter, so I’ll probably just buy your book and go hibernate while reading and blame it on my depression. Fingers crossed.

  230. If you could come to Las Vegas I could show you where Beyonce’s 6ft tall cousin lives along with other large metal animals. I think though I just might die from shock if I ever got to meet you in person because you are to hilarious to exist in real life.

  235. Clearly you have enough fans here in Seattle to make it worth a visit! I tried counting the number of Seattle requests (over 200, I think) but my eyes started glazing over when I got past the 4,000th comment. 🙂

    We would love to have you (and would travel to Portland to see you if you can only make it that far) and I’m sure we work out some kind of bathroom visiting arrangement. <3

  238. If you would come as far north as Seattle I would gladly not only meet you there, but find the nicest bathroom in all of Cascadia from which you could hold court 🙂

  239. Bring your book and a pen to Atlanta! But don’t bring Beyonce. There are large billboards that read: “EAT MOR CHIKIN” Click Here for Evidence.

    Also, just north of Atlanta is Gainesville, GA. Chicken Capital of the World. Maybe it’s a conspiracy.

  240. Come to Portland! Please! Please! Please! I am looking forward to your book appearing on my doorstep even more than the final Harry Potter!

  241. Ditto to all of the comments posted here so far, 4200+. So well deserved for such a wonderful writer. I love your style and humor. Oregon would love to have you visit. I would drive to Portland, 5 hours, just to meet you and your menagerie!

  242. OMIGOSH HOW HAVE I NOT ORDERED YOUR BOOK YET????
    Oh, right. Because I’ve been too busy stalking you then collapsing from laughter because you.
    Ok. New mission: GET YOUR BOOK AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
    Hey, how long does it take to mail to Australia?
    Okay, serious question now: when is the Bloggess app coming out? Please say it’s soon…

  246. OMG! Come? I’m in Fort Hood so I will be coming to see you for sure. 🙂 I’d love to win your book because I love your blog. If I don’t win I’m going to buy both so I can read along with you. You brighten my day and I look forward to meeting you.
    -Jessica Homan

  247. HUZZAH!! You know where would be awesome to tour? Seattle. Specifically, in Kirkland, which is across the lake from Seattle and therefore waaaay less depressed and with *much* better parking. Plus, when you take pictures, you can have all of Seattle as the backdrop–No? YES!–the *whole* of Seattle! (I.e., Lots of water and the Space Needle.) Congrats again!!!

  248. Woot I am taking the day off to see you when you come to NYC. This is why sick days were created

  249. I will see you in Dallas with bells on, twine in hand and a handy dandy spatula

  251. You are absolutely fantastic. Even if I don’t win a copy of your fabulous book, that’s ok…because I planned on buying it anyway! Just as soon as I remember to get my cc and computer in the same room together! (It’s a dangerous thing to do!)

  253. I’ve already put you on my Amazon wish list but I wanna win, I wanna win! Congrats!

  254. Sadly no stop in Northeast PA. Can’t wait to read your book and then eagerly wait for the sequel!

  255. Congrats on the book Jenny. If cuteness was acorns you’d be covered in adorable squirrels.

  256. I love reading your blog and I’m so looking forward to either reading your book or listening to it (or probably both!).

  257. I see that all your tour stops are blatantly places that ARE NOT HERE, where I live. And that’s just wrong.

  258. We live in Hong Kong, so I’m not sure you’ll be on this side of the planet. However, should you end up here – we have a delightful guest bed/bath and an amazing view of Wanchai! We’d treat you to shabu shabu, take to you Big Buddha, and delight you with a trip to The Chocolate Library at the top of the ICC building – Floor 125 overlooking Victoria Harbor.

  261. This is top ten on my list of 123892369238432 things to stock up on when we get back stateside. SO EXCITED!! 🙂

  262. Now I can’t really tell you to come a few continents across (in India) for the book tour, but I’m so happy for you! I love this blog and I’m so excited about the book. You rock, Jenny! 🙂

  263. Please, God, let me win this if only to hear her voice for “real” and quit imagining what she sounds like as I read these posts.

  264. You are the one blog I check everymorning. My husband is disabled so always sitting here and he says as soon as I say, “Okay, now” he knows he will get to hear what is happening in the Bloggess life because it is great to start the day out with a laugh. Can’t wait to read your book. Wish you were coming to Nashville, Indiana.

  266. I would so love to get an advanced copy of your book! I so excited to read it! Actually, who are we kidding, I haven’t read a book without pictures in at least 6 years, so I’m really looking forward to listening to your book! I almost pee’d my pants ready the excerpt you posted! Pick me! Pick me!

  269. Sat at my desk at work crying I was laughing so much at your previous post. Will definately be getting your book if its available in the UK.
    PS i fell down the stairs this week and laughing really hurts so the tears may have been because of the pain and because i was laughing so much.

    Thank you so much 😀

    Christina, Salisbury, UK

  274. I have a spool of twine I hoped you would autograph if you made it to Boston…

  275. You so completely rock. if I was famous I would hold twine for you. Well, I’ll do it regardless, but it would mean more if I was famous. Which I’m not. Unfortunately.

    I totally want your book, btw. In case you didn’t get that.

  278. Please come to BOSTON!!!!! Pretty please, with a taxidermied rodent on top.

  280. Congratulations! Freaking out, perhaps touring with James Garfield will help reduce your anxiety. Set him in the chair next to you, put a Sharpie in his mouth, hold the book up to the Sharpie and let the magic begin!

  282. You’re not coming to Oklahoma 🙁 so maybe time for a road trip… but my car sucks and I’m scared to drive it down the road to wal-mart, I shall just get your book and enjoy it for sho

  284. You HAVE to come to the Midwest! Indianapolis would be best, but I would totally drive to Chicago for you! We love you out here! (and if you can’t make it this far you could at least pick me to win the autographed book since I have no hope of seeing you out West)

  287. Will Beyonce be coming with you on the book tour? I hope so and will be looking out for you both in New York. After reading your HR excerpt (I’m a HR escapee too!) I’m off to pre-order your book :o)

    Lovin’ your work Jenny!

  288. I know it’s random, but can I say that I NEED it? We leave for china to adopt our first child in one week, and darn you, I was going to take it on the plane. But it won’t be available until right after we get back. Curse you, publishing gods.

  289. enter for drawing please!

    I cant belive your travels miss us just days apart and Im going to miss your tour everywhere! cripes. Im in LA 10-17th and I live in RI so NY wouldve been doable, but noooOoOOooooO.

    add more dates please. 🙂
    (yes just for me hahaahha)
    all my best, you deserve it!
    cheers
    Shel

  290. Can’t wait to read your book……… looks like you’ve made it………..

  293. Yay!!! I wish I lived in Texas. Or that you were coming to Phoenix. Maybe one of those will be on TV?? Have fun!!

  294. Congratulations! And, to give credit where credit is due, I really think the cat butt is Ferris Mewler’s, not yours.

  296. Congrats on the book, you are awesome and your blog always brings a smile to my face! I can’t wait to read the book 🙂

  297. Wish you were coming to Cleveland or somewhere else in Ohio! I’d love to come to one of your signings but NY is just too much for me to handle! Congratulations! I can’t wait to get the book!

  299. Please come to Chicago!! Heck, I may even be able to provide you a cozy place to stay.
    If you can’t head this way, my fella and I will console ourselves with reading your book to our daughter (don’t worry, she’s only 3.5 months old so we still have time to read what *we* want to her!).

  301. I live nowhere near any of these places… however I have a plan. It involves a Mega Millions ticket and a vile of pink glitter.

  303. Oh please please let it be me!!! It would be better (for both of us) than having me track you down in TX for the autograph!

  304. April 17th – I can’t wait! I have to pick my costume! We are all dressing up, right? Also, even though I pre-ordered, I would love an autographed copy – then I could share the furious happiness with others!

  305. While I’m super excited about the books…my 19 month old daughter would like to negotiate on the cat butt. She saw the post on my laptop and said, “Here kitty, kitty, kitty…” Needless to say, I think she thought it was the cat from Cinderella, or as she so lovingly refers to it “Rella.” (I however refer to it as “notthisfuckingmovieagaindearGodfinesuresweetywhateveryouwant!”)

  309. YAY! Books! I like books! Although, the likelihood of me winning this right now is probably less than getting hit by lightning. Which would burn, I’m guessing.

    And, because I live in Suckville Junction, NY (alternately known as East Bumfuck), I know there’s no way you’re coming here so I may just have to find a way to get to the NYC date. I think 334.2 miles for something awesome isn’t really all that hard…

  310. I saved the graphic as my desktop background so that I can look at it ALL DAY LONG, and I WILL be there (probably at the one in Dallas). Yippee! I’m OHSO EXCITED (…and I just cant hide it)!
    YOU ARE AWESOMENESS. Squared. Times infinity. An infinite number of times.

  313. WOW! Congratulations for such an amazing achievement! I can’t wait to get a copy! I wish you were coming to some Canadian cities, we love you up here too 🙂

  314. So glad the book made it, and so sad you won’t be coming to Chicago (we have warm weather really!)

  316. I wish you were coming MUCH CLOSER TO ME so I could come hear you talk about this book. I’ll just have to pick up the audiobook TOO so I can hear you read it.

  317. holy shit. it just took me 5 minutes to get to your comments page!

    i don’t need a free book – already bought mine and i will DEFINITELY see you in los angeles on 4/19, and you can sign my book in person! i cannot wait to meet you, jenny lawson.

  318. Loved the excepts from chapter 15 and I hope to get to see you on April 26 in Dallas.

  319. Fingers crossed that I will be the lucky recipient of your new book! I learned about you and it through a “Shelf Awareness” e-mail that I received from our local amazingly awesome Tattered Cover bookstore. Laughed my a$$ off reading about Beyonce and promptly shared it with all of my friends who have a similar warped sense of humor. I hope your book tour brings you to Denver!! Best of luck on the book and tour. How DID you get that sense of humor?????

  322. Lots and lots of congratulations to you!!! Hope to catch you on the book tour and to win a book/audiobook 🙂

  323. The excerpt got me hooked and I was cracking up! Can’t wait to read more! Keep up the hilarious work!

  324. If we win a copy of your book, it will live on the same bookshelf (when it isn’t being read) as our autographed copy of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy!

    Better product positioning, you simply could not want.

    Oh, and we’ll feed you.

  325. So exciting! Congrats! I wish your book tour was making a stop in Phoenix. Whether or not I randomly win, I’ll still be buying your book. Can’t wait!

  326. I can’t wait to read your book! Autographed or not, I’m sure it will be a blast. The extract you posted the other day just confirmed it.

  327. come to atlanta, lady! also, your book cover looks freakin’ adorable. i will buy the regular hardback version instead of the kindle version just so i can display it in my living room so everyone can see how awesome i am.

    that is, unless i get an AUTOGRAPHED copy….yesh? <3

  328. Can’t wait for this book! come closer to Ohio, we need some funny up this way too!

  330. Yay! You’re coming to my city! See you on the 20th! I hope you come to the Booksmith, they are made of awesome, and often have authors. Or maybe it would be better if you just set up shop in a dive bar. We could totally get you booze slushies.

  332. Can’t wait for the book. We love reading your blog on long road trips. We LOAO (laugh our a$$es off) and scare other drivers, but hey, what’s the big whoop? Anywho, love your blog, love the excerpts.

  333. I know you’re nervous, but I hope you enjoy it. You’re going to make a lot of people very happy. Too bad you’re not coming to Philly 🙁

  335. I seriously can not wait for your book to come out. You always brighten my day and I completely relate with the things you say. I too have a very different sense of humor that sometimes has my friends and family shaking their heads at me. I now have gotten everyone at the office reading your blog , because I was constantly sending them quotes from and the link to your blog as well as quoting you on my facebook. You remind me that even though I am slightly off kilter sometimes, I am unique like you , and even better I am not alone.
    Thank you for being you and for sharing yourself with all of us!
    Lisa

  337. Cool! I just found you when I was pre-ordering Jen Lancaster’s new book! congrats on the book!

  338. Okay Jenny, I’m going to tell you a story that is both awesome and true…

    So today I was catching up on little light reading (your blog) at work because lets face it, I don’t do work at work. I mean really, if I wanted to be held accountable for the work that I did I would have become a surgeon. Well, if I wanted to be held accountable and was able to pass O-Chem. Anyway, I was at work today when I saw the Beyonce puppet. I decided I needed to have a Beyonce for work, a Beyonce for a home and a Beyonce for the car… probably the car is going to be most useful but I digress. So I printed out three Beyonces and proceeded to cut them out at my desk.

    I was so absorbed in my puppetry that I didn’t hear my boss approach.

    “What are you doing?” He asked.
    “Cutting out Beyonce, ” I answered without looking up
    “Beyonce?” he asked confused
    I held up Beyonce for his review.
    “Why?” He continued.
    “Why not, ” I answered.
    “I don’t know how to respond to that,’ he conceded
    “That’s okay neither did Victor,” I answered.
    “I hate to ask this but who is Victor?”
    By now I’m just exasperated at the interruptions, “This conversation is one that is going to take more time than I am ready to dedicate at the moment, and as you can see I’m really busy,” I reply

    At this point he is so baffled he just walks away after mumbling something about carrying on. So you see Beyonce is already serving her purpose… thanks for the gift. If you’re feeling like you’re in a really giving mood you should probably make me the winner of the book… I think it’s purpose would be greater served with me. Just saying.

  340. I want to win a copy of your book! I mean either way I’m going to read it, but this would be way cooler. Congratulations and can’t wait to read it!!!

  341. YAY!! So excited for you! 🙂 Can’t wait to read the book!!!!! So very excited you’re coming to my area!!!

  345. What a really want right now is an apple fritter the size of my face, but your book is right up there, a dead heat.

  346. Is there a bathroom big enough to hold us all?
    FYI – 4/20 in San Francisco is kind of a holiday….just sayin’

  347. Yay!
    So happy for you, and hope if this book tour goes well, co come to more locations (like Detroit?)

  348. Omg, Jenny, I am SO coming to see you in NYC. And I’m going to be all “Whee! Remember me?!” And you’re going to look at me funny and be all “Uhm, no, but for the sake of my safety I’m going to pretend that I do– Hey, Random Crazy…! How are you…?” And I’m going to be all “Let’s go hide in the bathroom together! There’s two stalls across from each other, they’re GREAT for bathroom conversations!”

    In fact, I think I’ll just wait in the bathroom for you for about two hours before the event, in a completely non-stalkerish sort of way….

  351. Congrats on the book! So excited! Mine is on order and can’t wait for it. PLEASE, PLEASE add Chicago to your tour list!

  354. Can you please really come to SF, not just to Marin? Or do a Bay Area minitour: Marin, SF, Berkeley…

  355. Yay! So excited for you and to read your book!

    But, very sad you are not coming to Seattle 🙁

  357. If your anxiety rises, will we all just meet in the bathroom at the bookstore?

  358. Posting is futile
    I never win anything
    But maybe this time…

    Please give me your book
    Hamlet von Schnitzel says yes
    Beyonce agrees

    I enjoy your blog
    But a book is even better
    When written by you

    If flattery fails,
    I must leave this up to chance
    And hope for a win!

  361. Congrats! I have your book on my wish list at the local store. It’d be great to win it, even though the cat butt is not included. 🙁

  363. OMG – you are coming to Austin! Holy Shitsnacks! Wait – will my pre-order be here before then, or do I have to stalk you at a later location to get it signed?

  364. I would love a copy of your book. I’ve been reading your blog faithfully for the last five years and you don’t know how inspiring you are to me. You are so candid about your struggles. I know I want to be you when I grow up. I hope I can be an influence on others the way you have been for me. <3

  365. I wish you were coming to a bookstore here in Houston that was closer to where I live 🙁 Otherwise I’d be all over it. Can’t wait to read though!!

  367. Hope I’m not too late to win one. But, hey… don’t you know there’s a middle and a northern of the USA as well? You’re tour is like a big empty bowl :-/ I guess you have no control of that, eh… we will miss you. Have fun, sell a bunch and have more fun.

  369. If your I between towns and need a place to crash, my door is always open! Can’t wait to get the book!

  370. Why are you not coming to Phoenix?! Come to Phoenix. Please. PLEASE!!! You don’t even have to be touring. You could just come to hang out with me. We’ll have a tea party. Wil Wheaton can come too!

  371. Ooooh… my comment: I’m too ascared to go into NYC, but I totally think you need to come to NJ. Super easy. Just take the train. We can set you up in my living room and you can do a book signing here. Easy peasy.

  372. I’m glad you’re not coming to Raleigh because the idea of trying to see you in person and glitter bombing you is exhausting. I think I just got back several minutes of my life.

  374. LOVE the HR sample of the book. Can’t wait to read the book while sitting on my porch next to my own personal giant Beyonce.

  375. Congrats on your excitement! I was totally thinking “yeah! I can get entered to win!” 😀 THEN I saw that like 5000 people had already commented and I thought “motherfucker. I’ll NEVER WIN NOW” D:

    So, anywho. Congrats on your book! I love your blog, and you make me giggle at work, when my asshat boss is being a complete…..asshat.

    Congrats!!!!

    Liz S.

    TN (where I notice you are NOT coming yet…just saying)

  376. CONGRATS ON YOUR BOOK!!! Very exciting 🙂 I look forward to seeing you in Los Angeles during your book tour!
    Will Beyonce’ be coming with you? LOL

  377. If I win I would really like to receive the cat butt along with the rest of the package… Just my two cents on the matter. Either way, I plan to have my hands on your book… See you when you stop by NYC!

  378. Oh I wish I lived in the States, I’d totally come along to see you! And I wish there weren’t so many other entrants into this giveaway, because I’d dearly love to win. Those are my wishes. Few, but big.

  381. If you don’t come to the Tampa Bay area, somewhere a kitten will die 🙁

  383. Um, I thought we discussed this. Portland needs you to help keep us weird. And there’s Voodoo donuts in it for you.

  385. That book cover is amazing. I can’t wait to get this into my store and sell it like crazy. <3

  386. Congratulations, and see if you can swing up to the Pacific Northwest while you’re out on tour.

  387. Seeing as I’m gonna miss seeing you in LA and the opportunity to have your book signed (won’t be there till the end of April .. and just passing through), I would LOVE to have a signed copy of your book!

  388. So, I checked out where you’re coming in Dallas and it’s like 17 minutes FROM MY HOUSE! It simply can’t get more awesome than that. I called the BF and told him that I was taking that day off from work and he instantly said “Me too!”. So when I got home I looked up where the bookstore was and was so excited it was so close to home it drove me to have drink in celebration…..

    Then the kiddo came in and asked what I was doing. I once wrote about you and your hilariousness helped my teenage son and I have a great bonding moment that was unexpected and filled with wonderous laughter. He has been an avid reader ever since and said he was going to take off school, so I said, No Way! but then we realized it didn’t start until 7pm, so yay! Now everyone gets to go! Can’t wait!

  389. I wish you were coming to Michigan!! We are going to listen to your audio book at work and giggle while we are doing lab work 🙂

  392. I would of course love to win the book and the audiobook – but I’d love even more to come to your book tour! Of course you’re not coming anywhere near Savannah, GA!!!!! ;-(

  393. I have my book on pre-order but REALLY want the audio version to keep me awake on my long late drives back from work! And come to AUBURN, ALABAMA!!! Please 🙂 You are a hit in our office…we have Beyonce puppets sticking up from our cubicles. Fact!

  394. Just learned about you from Ladie’s Home Journal article (March 2012). I laughed so hard I could’ve busted a gut. Can’t wait for the book. PS: I’ve never gone to a blog before. Is there a way to subscribe to them so that this comes to my inbox as often as possible? Anyone?

  395. I need your book for my honeymoon! That’s strange I know. But I’ve been planning on reading it while sipping cocktails and laughing histerically at/with you!

  397. After reading the excerpt from chapter 15 I could not NOT pre-order this book, except that I was doubled over in laughter so I had to wait a bit. Also, I concur you must come to Atlanta!!

  398. I’ll be seeing you on April 20 in Corte Madera, which is NOT San Francisco, but thats OK… and I want to win this to give to my mom cuz she can’t come because she is having surgery the Monday before. 🙁

  399. Come to Seattle….we even have a giant chicken/rooster here….I am sure that your hubby would like it to be a pair!

  400. You’re coming to Los Angeles! You’re coming to Los Angeles! You’re coming to Los Angeles!
    Come to my house. I’ll feed you dinner.

  401. I’m so happy for you! I’m gunning to be an author one day and really pleased you’re experiencing the joy of it now. You deserve it. I know it’ll be a big success. It’d be awesome to win a copy, but hey, I’ll be getting my hands on a hardcopy either way 😉

    Best,

    Jo

  402. OOH! I want to win! Aw crap, 4,000 comments. Not likely.
    Congratulations on your new baby, whose genstational period was longer than that of an elephant!

  403. OK, if you come to Chicago I’ll show up. But even if you can’t get a booking, come to Chicago anyway.

  404. I’m pretty sure that I desperately neeeeeeeed this book, since my day has had a tremendous amount of suck and I’m certain that your book doesn’t suck.

  405. WHAT!?! No Minnesota!?! But winter is over and it’s starting to warm up and I’ll sneak in a flask of Iron Butterflies and we can meet in the bathroom and smack talk people! It will be so much fun! I’ll wear my Traveling Red Dress and a tiara and bring one for you, too. Also, I want to win the book. I already preordered the kindle version but need something to put the book plate on. I’m greedy like that.

    Just let me know when you schedule the Minnesota date and I’ll get it on my calendar and stock up on vodka!

  407. I would like to add to the mass shout outs of cities and kindly suggest that you also come to the DC area. I’m sure we can figure out how to smuggle you into a government building so you can plant bugs for more stories. 🙂

    Also, fingers crossed for me being randomly selected!

  408. So cool! I really want to win so I have an excuse to ignore grad school and read something fun 🙂

  409. Come up 35 NORTH to Oklahoma City. We love you here. Seriously. /whinesbecauseicantdrivetodallasonathursday 😀

  411. I’m forcing all of my friends to read this for our book club. Because I’m so freaking excited to read it. And honestly think to be friends with me it should be a requirement that everyone reads the book (and your blog).

  412. You really must come to Portland, Oregon. I know its a bit rainy at times but our city is SO Much fun!! Powells on 12th and Burnside is the best place. Ask Jen Lancaster….She did a tour stop here twice!!

  413. Oh, oh, oh! I’m late to the party! I am SO thrilled for you, Jenny! As a longtime published writer myself, I truly understand the joy, the elation, the over-the-moon excitement you must be feeling. Wheeee!

    May you enjoy tons of sales, stellar reviews, and all the fabulous success you so richly deserve for bringing joy to thousands of people each day! 😀

    –Susan

  415. Please come to Michigan/Ohio/Indiana/Illinois/Wisconsin! I’m not picky, and totally willing to drive however many hours it takes. The excerpt you posted about working in HR cracked my shit right up!

  416. Come to Australia, we love you, and we’re bigger than Texas! Looking forward to having a good read of ‘Let’s Pretend …’, I haven’t bought it yet, hint. May it sell well, and may you blog on. Nikki, Sydney, Orstraya.

  417. So I don’t suppose you’re coming anywhere near Bradford, West Yorkshire, UK? We could hang out. I’ll bring a tequila gun? My local pub give you a free shot of Strawberry sidekick if you down a shot of tequila with the worm!

  418. Ok, I know the chances are like one in 10,000 to win the signed book but How great would that be… Iwould so love it! I pre-ordered the book like 6 weeks ago and can’t wait to read it. I work in HR and crack up at your stories about your experiences. It is so true that these crazy things really do happen daily. People are so bazarre, although I can’t say that because well I am still in HR. 🙂

  420. Congratulations! I’m a somewhat more recent reader but I’ve been here long enough to follow a portion of the book’s development and I’m definitely excited to read it!

  421. Please pick me. I never win anything. And I teach in a jail. Just think, inmates could learn from you! Or maybe just stalk you when they get out of jail. Better you, than me! Well, that probably didn’t help.

  423. Can’t wait to read your book! Wish you could come to Upstate New York. You have a lot of fans here.

  424. Oh, heck, throw my name in the hat, too. Who cares if there 4,417 people ahead of me — I feel lucky!

  425. One of the many reasons I curse living in the sticks is because we never get anyone awesome like you to do book signings here. lol!

  426. You really need to come to Louisville on tour…I’ve “converted” aka corrupted several of my new coworkers after re-decorating my cubicle with Bloggess items. Now my coworkers come & make my photo statues dance & have plays. Mini Beyonce gets a workout too – after a particularly difficult case you can see her on the edge of the cubbie going “KNOCK KNOCK MOFO!!!”

    So if you can’t come to Louisville on tour…at least come to my cubicle!

  429. Well, I will reiterate the requests for you to come up to the Pacific Northwest. Portland, Oregon would work, Powell’s books is a wonderful place. However, we will understand if you aren’t able to make it.

  430. Congratulations! This is huge and freaking out is what I would do if it happened to me..

    Fingers crossed they send you to Australia, so we can also get out fill of real life The Bloggess!

  431. How incredibly exciting! You and your ADD have been plucking away at this forever. Job well done! However, I’m disappointed you aren’t coming to Harrisburg at all. I’d love to see you live. However, I will have to assuage myself by commenting here and hoping I win your little sweepstakes.

  432. Ohemgee! I am almost as excited as you are, Jenny! Really!…now where did I leave my wine slushie!??

  436. Can’t wait to see you in San Antonio! Do they have a bathroom big enough to fit us all?

  438. ohmygod your book sounds awesome….and winning it for free sounds awesome for me

  439. I love you, and love that you are doing this!! Is it weird to say that I am proud of you even though I don’t actually know you? Probably, but I’ll say it anyway. I’m so proud of you for doing this even though it can’t be easy for you! It is quite inspirational. I’m sure the book is amazing, and if I happen to be lucky enough to get picked I will know for sure. 😉 But it’s pretty much a given because you are pretty darn amazing.
    Good luck on tour! You will be great, I know it. All you have to do is be you! That’s what will make it so great. 🙂

  440. I am very excited for this book to come out, unfortunately my finances are tight due to repairs needed on house so I am stuck hoping that the library near me is cool enough to stock your book, or that someone gets me your book as a gift.

    Congrats! I really enjoyed the preview, so it looks like the 10 years of work is paying off.

  442. Although I will buy your book as soon as it comes to my non-evil locally owned bookstore, the very idea of you reading me your book (via audio book) gives me tingles that I cannot explain. This must be what Twi-hards feel when they see Jacob shirtless.

  444. Wait, you’re seriously not visiting anywhere on the east coast except NYC?? Waaaaaahh!! Please come to Boston! Or Providence! I promise you Providence has a lot of charm. And craziness!

  445. OMG!!! I’m so buying the audiobook for my Mom (well, mostly for her, but also a little bit for me)! Not to mention that, although I’ve pre-ordered the book, if I win a copy I can totally give one to my sister! (Who loves you too!)

    Also, where’s the love for Chicago? We love you up here, too!

  447. You inspire me enough so that I have bought my own red dress. Thank you.

  453. Luv luv luv reading your blog/posts/articles. Hope you’re coming to MA.

  454. Yay! Super-exciting! Of course, I’d be even more excited if you were headed to Michigan or even Ohio, but I get it. Ann Arbor would love to have you, and we have fantastic bathrooms here, too. 😉

  455. Didn’t see Seattle on the list, I’m sure it’s just pending final minor details. BUT if’n you can’t make it to Seattle please send Victor, I’ve a question to ask to ask him, a really important question, besides I’m sure he needs a break.
    The title of the book, “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened”.
    Is that you or Victor speaking ? AND no that’s not my question to Victor.
    SHEESH Comments were at 4446, probably now a gadzillion or more.

  460. Yes!! Come to Kansas. We do have amazing BBQ, juicy butts and fantastic burnt ends. Can’t wait for the book to arrive.

  461. I would love to win too. I’m broke, but I’ll request that my library buy it. I pay taxes, so it’s like I bought it, really. Right?

  462. Oh my, I am crying after reading your HR chapter. I worked in HR before turning into my children’s full time wrangler. Loved it!

  463. Oh, I’m so excited to see your book in stores and to read it! Congratulations!

  468. Please add somewhere more east coastish! Preferably like Raleigh NC, but I’ll drive anywhere on the east coast for it!

  470. It looks as though your cat will be dutifully coating each copy of your book with eau de poot. I will be thoroughly sniffing my book when it arrives to be sure. CAN’T WAIT!

    Congratulations on all the book biz – I’d be peeing my pants with joy and excitement if I were you. Well, metaphorically speaking. I don’t depend on Depends just yet.

  472. I was really hoping that tail was a taxidermied squirrel but sadly, it is a cat. I can’t wait to get a copy!

  473. OMG, I wish I lived closer to those cities so I could see you in real live action. You are my fricken hero!!

  475. JENNNNNYYYYYY come do a talk down here in South Padre. I have a bunk bed for you AND your daughter! 🙂 I would love to come see yall in Houston but I got the timing all wrong. DARNIT.

    So proud of you about your book and i can’t wait to read it!!

  476. If you’re selecting ‘random’ then, wow, I’m the one to pick. I just tonight happened to find out about the existence of your blog, because of a random comment by a friend on Facebook. RANDOM, right? How did I never know about this blog?!?! It’s hysterical!!!

  479. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Please come to Ann Arbor, MI!!! I will buy you cupcakes and stare dreamily into your eyes all night, if you’d only just come read to me!

  480. I think you rock.
    Your blog always brightens my day.
    I can’t wait to read the book.
    I bet the audio book is even more awesome because we get to hear the story in your own words.

  481. Please come to Pittsburgh! (I don’t actually live there, but it is the closest real place near where I do live.)

  483. ^^^The title is just Butterfly from the Sky. The rest is a prepositional phrase… sorry, messed up the code!

  485. You’re going to be my first book signing! My sister-in-law introduced me to your blog a few months back and I am completely hooked. Now I find myself moving to Houston from Illinois (to be closer to you, of course [we should be best friends]) and am so crazy excited to read your book! Can’t wait!!!

  488. Come to Indianapolis! We’ve been needing a pick me up since lost Peyton manning!

  489. You have become a staple in our household …like chocolate. We have already pre-ordered the hardcover and audio. (My husband is lazy about reading.) The only thing we are sad about is that it is coming out right after our anniversary and our little road trip to take the baby to the museums. That would have been perfect for our car ride.

  491. 4,480. What a lovely number. Because I’m OCD and all my numbers must add up to 4s or 8s. See how life works out that way sometimes?! Love your blog…can’t wait for the book. Woohoo!

  494. I cannot begin to tell you how awesome this is. Like twine times a million. Like twine times a million in the hands of a ADHD unicorn. Love this and am prepping my pillows and fat pants for when I get the book and lock myself in the house to read it cover to cover.

  495. I love that you are going to be in Houston, Austin, AND San Antonio!!! I WILL make one of them!!!!

  496. Why aren’t you coming to Tucson? You have fans here, too!

    Also, I so heart your fluffy cat’s tail in the picture of your audio/actual-book.

    If I don’t win a copy, I totes want to see “8 pounds of uncut cocaine” on my bank statement when I buy your book… ^.^

  499. My friend desperately needs to read your book. And since she is divorcing an abusive tightwad, she won’t be buying it very soon.
    Hoping the book tour comes my way soon!

  500. Oh my gosh I’m so excited for you! I can not even imagine how much of a thrill it must be to have your book in your hands, so beautiful and new and YOURS! How does it smell? Congratulations! Many, many congratulations! I can’t wait to read it.

  501. I love how you clarified about not the cat butt. You are more then welcome to keep the booty. I’m way too allergic. 🙂 However, I’ll take the book, if I’m lucky enough!!

  503. You know I’m usually not TOO sad that I live in bum-fuck South Dakota, but since your tour comes NOWHERE NEAR HERE, life has taken a sudden, decidedly negative turn. :o(

  504. Pittsburgh, dear. That’s where it’s at. I’ll even drag some friends of mine. Hell, I’ll bring Peep Diddy. And Frodo the Bee. And a pic of you and Frodo to post on his blog? I’d almost consider paying for that. But then I’ll whine about having to pay, and then I’ll also giggle until I get light headed.

  506. I am so excited I can barely contain myself!! CONGRATS!!!!!! MY OH MY THIS IS JUST TOO EXCITING!!

  508. Me, me, MEEEEEEEEE!

    I want, I need, I gotta have your book!!! And I would totally buy my own copy, but I have an unhealthy addiction and unhealthy addiction>fantastic books in the money department. Or maybe I just lost my wallet. One or the other.

  510. Whoo hoo tour! Live it up like Willie Nelson and stop bathing! While all these people whine about how you are coming no where near them, I’m totally stoked for the Mongolian leg of your tour this Autumn. Kick ass in Ulaanbaatar!

  511. Man I can’t compete with 4487 comments. Plus I’m in Australia so I can’t come see you 🙁 boo

  512. Oh to live on the right side of the pond! I know it’s the right side because you guys have bagels and taxidermied mice in costume. I dare my little homeland to come up with something as weird.

  513. Gaaaa!!! I wish I was in Austin to see you on your (what I’m sure will be) AMAZING book tour! I’ll have to make sure my mom drops in and pays you a visit!

    Much love from South Korea!
    Elissa Jo

  515. I’d love to win 🙂 Australia needs more of your humour (I’ll even donate the book to my local library to share the love…. After all my friends have read it too).regardless, congratulations on getting published, your success with your hilarious blog and use of humour in all situations including pointlessly taboo ones like mental illness. Have a fab weekend too!

  516. OMG OMG OMG my scrollbar has never gotten so teensytiny teenie weeniee before, I’m lucky I didn’t go completely blind leaving you this completely boring FOUR THOUSAND AND NINETIETH comment. Hey, I JUST WOKE UP tho to read this, hard to be snappy this early!

    :::squeee:::: for you, Jenny! Ok. May I win now please?

    ~Cathy in Shrewsbury, MA

  517. Very wonderful, congrats. Last night I was on Amazon.ca, and they had a link to New Spring Releases, which I clicked. I scrolled through the 15 or so books, and yours was among them! I didn’t know it was yours at first, but I was intrigued by the title and the cover, so I clicked on it and added it to my wish list. Then I realized it was YOUR BOOK and got all excited.

  519. Have found you via Design Mom. Congrats on the book. Fun giveaway. Cheers from Darwin Australia

  520. My husband just left me last week to hike the Appalachian Trail. He will be gone for 6 months. Your book will be my new companion. Jazzed!

  521. So excited! I can’t wait to read this (and listen, because I will definitely be getting the audiobook as well!). 🙂

  524. Will you even get to the 4 thousand level of comments? I sure hope so! Happy to have you keep the cat tail. My husband is allergic anyway. Unless it’s stuffed, but I hadn’t heard anything of that nature about Ferris.

    Congrats on the book.

  526. Jenny, thank you for this blog. It cracks me up and I share regularly with my friends. Oh, and if I win, I will take the cat butt too…

  533. I hate waiting. Waiting sucks kitty butt. Luckily, you have one! Uh… the book I mean. Not the kitty butt. Although, it seems you have that too. Ahead of the trend. As usually. Awesome.

    Anyway, as tempted as I am to buy the audio version, I am going to attempt to consume it the old-fashioned way. Not sure if my will power is strong enough though. Will it be available for eBook readers too? Not that I would read it on my Kindle Fire. I only use that puppy to play games. Would be cool to just have. After all. It is an eReader device. I should have atleast ONE book on it. Your’s seems more than befitting. Just saying.

    Wow. I ramble when I am lacking adequate sleep. Forgive me. Like the numerous responses don’t make this long enough. I go and add more words to it. Sorry about that.

    I just did it again. A lot like Brittany… only older and not as hot. Damn. Don’t know where that came from. I’ll shut up now.

    Oh wait! One more thing… wait. What was it? I’ve already forgotten. Damn you sleep deprivation!!!

    OH YA! YEAH!!!! You’re coming to San Francisco!!! EEEEEEEEEEEE!!! I’m going to have to squirrel away money for that. EEEEEEEEEE!!!! (forgotten due to insanity. not from lack of admiration.)

  534. Crossing my fingers you will come to Chicago too. You know you love Chicago. We have really great bathrooms! And, I will gladly hang out in the ladies room with you and bring my portion of the Judy Garland trail mix. (I swear I have good stuff.) Promise!

  535. Good luck with your book tour! You will be completely awesome, I am sure of it. Can’t wait to read your book!!

  536. I am more excited than Juanita with a new apron!!!! Can’t wait to read this book. oxoxo

  537. WTF? I have to endure LA!? Why can’t you come to San Diego? It’s better on like 32 different levels in San Diego. Regardless, I’m excited for your book 🙂

  538. I haven’t had the internet for a while and I just finished reading the excerpt from your book in the previous post. I WANT THIS BOOK. Even if I don’t win it I’ll be picking this book up for myself (thereby breaking my 2012 resolution not to buy anything for myself this year, but it’s a necessity with this book, I believe) – hell, if I do win this book I’ll still buy it, only I’ll give it to my school library instead. Have fun on the book tour! On your next book tour (if you do plan to write another book, that is) you should come to CT. Maybe I’ll be able to catch a train to NY.

  540. I’m currently sitting at a literary festival surrounded by writers and carrying on about your book. I can’t wait for it to come out.

  541. I just saw that your book is being released ON MY BIRTHDAY… sounds like karma to me! I think i need to win an autographed copy. 🙂 If I can leave the rugrats with my hubby, I’m going to try to make the Austin date of your tour too. Yay!

  542. Pulll-eeezz make your way north, like way north, to Michigan. We desperately need your funny! You can bring all your stuffed things and terrify my pets and family with them. Pretty please! ^.^

  543. Congratulations! PS – your book cover makes me giggle a little each time I see it 🙂

  544. I’m so very excited for you and to get your book!

    You should swing your tour up to Seattle area and then hit a town called Klamath Falls in Oregon on your way to California. I know at least two Klamath Residents that would come see you ;0)

  546. Well, if I got to actually choose I’d pick the cat butt. I suppose a book would be fine though. Or the audio book, I haven’t actually read a book in years. I’d read yours though.

  547. Wow, Jenny, a book tour! I’d come and hold your hand if I weren’t as panic-attack prone as you. Together, we would bring the house down, and not in a good way.

  549. best news ever.

    let me know if you need a personal blonde paparazzi during the tour. im all over that position.

  554. Don’t you want to come to Fresno, CA, on your book tour? No? Why not? You can stay with us…

  557. There’s nothing in the Midwest? We’re not that bad :). Congrats, It’s well deserved.

  558. Oh, please please please come to Phoenix. I will even find the venue. Just please come so I can get my book signed! Or you could just send me that one. Please;)

  559. Can you please randomly select me for a copy of the book? And if you happen to pick someone else, can I have an autographed copy of the picture with the cat butt? Thanks in advance.

  561. Oh please come to Arkansas! You are so close already that it only makes sense. Hot Springs is beautiful this time of year. We have cherry blossoms from our sister city in Japan! In full bloom!!! (imagine the wheedling voice of a five year old here)

  563. Seriously, that’s so exciting! I may be on the train with all of the other Philly/DC area people. But if you could, it would be great if you could come to Philly or D.C. I recently moved from Philly to D.C. and I have to tell you, they’re both great cities. Actually, scratch the D.C. idea, I need a reason to go back to Philly. Please. I’m sure there are plenty of antique shops with taxidermied animals, and there’s a bunch of other kick-ass stuff to do.

  564. Come to Kansas, like hell come to Misery, I mean Missouri – you will feel right at home! I promise! My gal pals and I will take you to all the best shops for Taxidermy, and BBQ. Ok, not necessarily the same places but I will keep looking until I find one. In KCMO you can get the best of Kansas (which is by the way statistically flatter than a pancake and the best of Missouri which although it does not have Dorothy and Toto can nne the less lay claim to some of your most rabid fans who have been known to Taxidermy themselves with exceptional alcoholic beverages. Repeat after me what book tour would be complete without a side trip to misery, Missouri.

    I will even take you on a tour of the Truman Home if you want – you could do it in miniture……

  565. I dont see anywhere that you’re coming to Minnesota… owell. I guess i’ll have to settle for winning your book 😉

  567. 4543
    So that is like nil chance but I have to try. Because I pre-ordered your book on Amazon last December and had the cash ready to go, but of course Amazon doesn’t charge you until they ship, and they aren’t shipping until April and I’ve made it this far with that cash still ready to go, but of course something had to come up, so I get the joy of canceling my pre-order.

    It’s funny though because I looked at the photo and was all “OMG Bloggess book, audio AND CAT BUTT!” Then I read the bottom. Some might have been all, “She had to clarify?” Uh yeah. Not a single real reader of The Bloggess was able to continue without that clarification.

  568. I would love to give my friend an autographed version of your book for her birthday next month! She turned me onto your blog and I think it would be perfect for her!

  571. Totally want to win. I have enough cat butts here – tho – so I don’t need yours.

    And really really really wishing I still lived back in NYC. Dayum.

  575. I don’t understand, Seattle is one of the most well read cities in the country and you don’t come to Seattle? You would fit right in here. There is a place right up north that sells GIANT METAL EVERYTHING including chickens. It is like you are bypassing us because you don’t know how to ship home a GIANT METAL ZEBRA.

  577. Hi bloggess! I feel that you’re my soul sister as my name is also Jenni (although spelling is different) and I also have a confidence wig. But I attach mine permanently via hair extensions so that I can always be slightly less anxious than without it! I mean god what if I forgot it some day?! No no, permanently attaching is the way to go.

    I’d like to submit my bid for a copy of your book since I want it sooooo bad.

    Jenni

  579. I haven’t commented yet! So I’ll be in San Antonio next month most likely, but we leave on the 22nd. Boo! Why does my kid need school anyway?

  580. Pick me!! I would absolutely love an autographed copy of your book.
    Any chance you might be stopping by Ohio? That would probably make my head explode……but in a good way.

  583. I’m calling for a world tour. I’m sure your fans will be happy to provide plenty of twine, cat butts and alcohol wherever you go. (In other words, I’ll let you sleep on my couch and share my Absolut.)

  584. Chicago would be good – I’d only have to drive 2.5 hours to see you then!

    Pick me Pick me!!!

  586. I want to win! This book looks amazing and I love your blog! Can’t wait to read it.

  588. Holy SHIT I want an autographed copy! I preordered it on Amazon but wasn’t in time to get the autographed bookplate (dammit).

    I don’t live anywhere near any of those locations but I think this might just call for a road trip!

  589. Would love to win. I read the excerpt about HR out loud to my boyfriend who laughed hysterically. I then showed him Wil Wheaton collating paper to disprove to my boyfriend the rumors that he was a rude horrible teenager he had heard. I felt if he was willing to collate for you, then 1)the rumors must be false OR 2)he turned his life around. Keep up the good work 🙂

  591. Dear Jenny,
    I hope your tour goes well and you have a huge turnout. I have enjoyed your blog and the wonderfulness that it is. I hope the sales of your book is truely monumental. I believe we all can be inspired by your experiences. I hope you expand on the tour and make it to Tennessee in the future. I really would love to meet you and your hubby, cause meeting the man who married you is truly a great man.

    Love,
    Kian

  593. Yay for tour! I stalk-read this site, but I couldn’t resist posting and entering this… 🙂

  594. Yay! I can’t wait to get my very own copy! Also, I’m sure it’s been said in at least one of the 4600 comments but if you’re looking for more locations for your book tour…Chicago area. Chicago rocks. And, we’re having an awesome Spring so far. Hopefully I didn’t jinx it by saying that. Or that. Or that. Or that.

    Or that.

  598. I don’t see the Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia on your itinerary. Some sort of mix-up there which will no doubt be soon sorted. When is your magnum opus going to be published in the land Down Under I wonder? I may have to import it from Amazon US.
    In the meantime, I have set about trying to source a stuffed wallaby in Elizabethan dress for you should you visit.

  600. I would come to one, but you aren’t coming anywhere near me 🙁 very, very sad.

  602. WOW. Hope you make out here… we have an indy bookstore or two that will do wonders with all of you!

  603. Hello!! I’m very much looking forward to going to your book signing here in Houston. I just clicked on the link to copy all the details onto my calendar so that there’s no way I’ll miss this. But then I found this tidbit on the Blue Willow website:
    “Admission: In order to go through the signing line and meet the author for book personalization, you must purchase Let’s Pretend This Never Happened from Blue Willow Bookshop.”

    I ordered your book November 4th from Amazon. It’ll arrive April 17 (and I’ll get a bookplate signed by you! Yay!). By April 24th, I hope to have finished it. Do I rally need to spend upwards of $25.00 if I want to come to the book tour? I had already thought I’d buy another book as a gift but I has a sad about being forced to buy it from Blue Willow under compulsion (I probably would’ve bought it from them anway but I haaaaate being coerced into doing so). Help?

  604. Not a chance I’m getting the Kindle version. Autographed hardback or bust!

  607. SOOO EXCITING!! Come out here to the middle of nowhere in Texas- I promise to gather up book buyers and promote your greatness!!! 😉

  608. I will still be buying the copy I pre pre-ordered, but if I happen to win an autographed copy, my purchased copy will be gifted to a good home.

  609. We love you in the Midwest!! How about making a trip to Indianapolis? There’s tons of weird sh*t here that would perk your interest. LIKE … the worlds largest garden trowel (very lame) and an outdoor retailer that sells weird lawn “furniture” or “decorations” …… maybe you could find Beyonce a friend!!!!!! I’m a teacher — and we all love you! My 3rd graders are totally starting a Unicorn Success Club …. 🙂

  611. Wish you were coming to Hawaii! I didn’t pre-order one but I will be buying a copy if I don’t win one! Can’t wait to read it!

  612. My hubby and I adore you! We often sit in bed and read your blog on our iPhones, trying hard not to pee in our pants or wake our toddlers from laughing so hard. Please come to Kansas City, MO! We would love to meet you!

  613. I’m so excited for your book and tour!!! I’m sad you aren’t coming to Oklahoma, but fret not, I will be driving to Dallas.

  614. I have already pre-ordered the Nook version, but plan on purchasing a hard back copy too… can’t wait!

  615. Oops, just realized I put my email addy in the website field accidentally. Can’t see shit without my contacts in 😉

  618. Jenny,
    Thank you for making me laugh until I cry. My fist encounter with your humor was on one of my Mom’s group road trips. One of the mom’s received your blog entry on “picking your battles”, the rest is a memory made in history. I recently was reading Ladies Home Journal and saw a story on “Nothing says Love like a Big Metal Chicken”. “Could it be? THE Metal Chicken?” I asked myself. Sure enough, it was and it was also where I learned of your website. I no longer need to exercise as my stomach muscles feel like I just did an Insanity workout! Truly, perfect timing. One of our fellow mom’s just experienced 3 family deaths this past week. I was able to share this on Facebook and since she “Liked” my post, I know you made her smile. Thanks again!

  622. Totally awesome! Congrats 🙂

    Have to say I was surprised that North Dakota wasn’t on the tour list.

    I almost said that with a straight face…

  623. Excellent! Congrats! I’ll be getting the audiobook as soon as may be! 😀

  624. I was hoping you would come to Boston! Maybe you’ll add a few more dates and we’ll be one of the lucky cities…

    One can hope!

  628. I went through the preview you posted in like 2 minutes…so excited to read, if I ever make it to the top of the library waiting list.

  629. Multnomah County Library (Oregon) currently has 78 holds for your book, but only 1 hold (mine) for the audiobook. I can only guess that my fellow Portlanders don’t realize that YOU did the reading for the audiobook version. If they did, I’m sure there’d be at least 78 holds on that version as well!

  631. If you came to Chicago it would be cooler than an army of metal chickens carrying baskets of taxidermied squirrels wearing tutus… ok, well at least it would be more acceptable to the general masses than the easily rusted chicken/furry ballerina army. Do we really need to worry about the general masses though? Prob not unless they take my spot for the tour!

  632. I are ready ordered the E-book, but would love the audio book for my commute to my Student Teaching site. It would so cheer my up on or coming home from trying to motivate the unmotivated, or as they are better know, high school students.

  634. I notice that Sydney, Australia isn’t on your tour schedule. When do you think you’ll be coming to see us? 🙂

  635. I will definitely see you in Los Angeles, if I make it through all the smog, traffic, and fake breasts.

  637. 1OH Pulease! there is more to the east coast than NY. come to Baltimore, we’re delightfully quirky

  638. So TOTALLY coming to see you in LA. That’s 2 weeks after major surgery for me, but dammit all to hell, I’m going anyway. (Does the mention of pending scary major surgery get me a copy of your book I can’t wait to get my hands on? Come on, random people winning a book picker thingy! ;0)

  639. HELLS YEAH.

    I really have no shot of winning, yet either way; this comes out just FOUR fucking days after 21st birthday, and instead of celebrating getting drunk all week like a hybrid of a Tolkien dwarf and any ol’ regular George RR Martin character, I’m going to spend it reading this gem. I’m sure it’ll almost make up for that godawful last episode of Supernatural…that, and therapy.

  642. I would love to see you on tour! Too bad I moved from San Antonio to the Twin Cities! 🙁

  643. This has got to be a Guinness records comments record. Astounding! Come to Australia. I’m sure you’d love a stuffed wombat for your collection.

  644. Come visit the Americans stationed in germany–we need the humor to break up the seriousness here!

  646. I would love to see you if you could come to the Pacific Northwest. I lived in Texas last year. Darn it.

    Well, I know I don’t have much of a shot at winning, but here is my entry anyways…

  647. Yay! Yay! Yay! I’m so glad you’re coming to Northern California. At least the part that’s close to me. California tends to disappear from people’s thoughts north of San Francisco. Anyways, I will find a way to get into the city. Carpool anyone?

  648. Hope I win!!! Your excerpt from HR was hilarious. You are hilarious and I think your book will be an amazing success!

  650. I am SO excited for your book. I’m having trouble deciding between the eBook and the Audio book. On one hand, I will enjoy reading it wherever I am if it’s an eBook, and on the other I think it would be even funnier to hear it literally in your voice.

    Decisions, decision.

  651. (Snort!) Reading the past few comments, I really hope it’s a random number generator, b/c I about peed my pants laughing. Seriously, how do I compete with that?? But, like Beth, it’s almost my birthday, too. And if I can’t win the cat butt in the pic, you could at least make it up to me with a copy of your book.

    You know, so I can pee on more of my laundry.

    ‘Cause I need MORE stuff like that (the laughing — not the laundry. The Universe knows I’ve got Mt. Washmore in my laundry room and I’m too afraid to go in there much. So laughs, they’d be really good. Thanks.)

    ;o)

  652. Man I just scrolled thru 4 thousand comments on my smartphone to leave a comment, I’m pretty sureeit took at least 29 minutes, but that could be because I am on that “premium” network that runs caon turtles on a wheel. Anyway here is hoping my now cramped thumb will reap a reward!

  656. I was hoping I would get a copy of your book for my birthday next month, but it appears that my hints and direct asking for it haven’t worked lol. I will just have to get it for myself 🙂 Oh and come to Australia

  657. It is almost 3 am, and I have been on your pages for 5 hours. it may be the chain smoking, the vodka-moscato-slushee combo, or the joy of ignoring my husband, but I have come to realize I fucking love you and this site. Don’t care if I win, I just have to let you know. Thank you for the joy you have given, that kind that somehow manages to top my fizzy lifting drinks and bleeding dry eyeballs from reading without blinking for 5 hours.

  658. I want a copy of your fantastic book so bad that I could shit a unicorn covered in glitter. It’s the most unpleasant experience glitter could ever have. Pleeeeeeease?

  659. Congratulations on a very squeal-worthy moment! Love the cat bum in the pic too! Looking forward to reading you – just wish your tour extended to the UK – I’d be straight there
    Laura x

  661. today my kiddo diarrhea-ed AND vomited on me within a span of 8 hours. I am having a pity party as I wait for this sickness to descend upon me and think your fabulous book would make a nice present. for me. because I was vomited on. and pooped on.
    and. congrats!

  662. Woohoo!! Congratulations!!! I would the audio especially! My commute is sooooo long & painful! Plus the covers just make me happy!

  665. Congrats! I too would be screaming and jumping up and down if they actually printed something I wrote! Good luck with the tour.

    Love you even more for the Bon Jovi reference.

  666. I pre-ordered your book for my Kindle but I would prefer to have the hard copy and I would love it sooner than next month. Can’t wait to read it! Pick me! Pick me! =)

  667. I can’t see where to get a bookplate? I can’t get one from Jen Lancaster and not one from you… that’s not fair at all!

  668. I CAN’T wait to read this book!!!!! How about you come out to the East Coast and visit Virginia?

  669. Congratulation on your book! You must be so excited and proud. This is such an accomplishment. Keep up the great work!

  670. Congratulations! So excited for you! Can’t wait for this to come out!

  671. Come to Wisconsin!! but then if you came to Upper Michigan it would give you a lot of material to write about. Just a bunch of Yoopers up here, living in da’ woods, quite a unique culture. 🙂 CONGRATULATIONS!

  672. I WANT! I WANT! I WANT! My dedication is so much that I am going to miss a bachelorette party to come see you!

  673. Your tour isn’t coming close enough for me to meet you, but I am still excited that this book has become a reality.

  674. You know how they say, “You can’t win if you don’t play!”?

    Well I always play and I still never win…

    Good news though, The price on my Amazon pre-order went down by about $3 since I initially placed it. If it keeps up, maybe it will be nearly free by the release date…haha

    ~Melodie~

  675. Holy shit, you’re gonna be in Austin! I’m may have to get off the couch for this…

  678. Congratulations! Read the excerpt in your previous post and now I’m hooked and need more.

  679. Oh my. Almost 5000 comments! My middle finger got a cramp from all the scrolling I did in order to get to the bottom. 🙂 Congratulations! It must be a special awesome feeling when you held your book, your new baby in your hand. And yeah, book tour! and sad Chicago is not one of the stops. 🙁 Tweet us when you are taxed out from your book tour, ok? We are always here for you!

  680. You need to get a bus and tour around the country. People can follow you around and call themselves Bloggessheads. Or Jennyheads. Your call. And you can paint your tour bus like the Partridge Family. It will touch upon multiple cultural references and be the inclusive event that will have everyone singing around campfires and holding hands. You could bring about world peace, Jenny.

  682. Aww. I’m in Houston for work for 2 months and my short visit home (Scotland) coincides with your Houston visit. Gutted!

  685. I think this is better odds than winning the lottery without the risks associated with winning millions of dollars. And I will see you in Austin

  686. Beyond excited about the upcoming release of your book! Congrats. Will you be visiting Michigan on your tour?? Would love for the chance to meet you 🙂

  687. Here is my comment to be in the running for the book/audio book, followed by me begging for you to venture up north of the Texas border into Oklahoma. You know you want to. If you do, I will scour Tulsa for some sort of taxidermied critter to welcome you along with a whole gang full of fans!

  688. Is it too late for me to hop on the comment train for a free book? I’m going to buy a half dozen anyway for my friends, so pick me!! Also, I vote for you to add Vermont to your next book tour. We’ve got plenty of weirdos here who appreciate your style, Jenny. You’d be a hit!

  689. Adding my voice to those of us left out in the Southeast — Atlanta? Please???
    Or you could just tell us when your layovers are, and we’ll meet you in the airport bathroom. We know you have to connect here anyway, it might as well be interesting.

  690. I second the motion to come to Chicago! We have awesome things like restaurants dedicated to steak (sorry, I’m hungry and apparently craving one) and alleys named after unimportant people. Just in case you need further proof, I posted a picture here: definitionofsanity.wordpress.com.

    I think you are so important that, if you came, I would nominate Michigan Ave to be named after you!

  694. I just want you to know that there are over 120 posts with people begging you to come to Seattle. YOU WANT TO GO TO THERE.

    Please.

  695. Dear Jenny: it will take me three hours on public transit and the strongest anti-anxiety meds I can acquire by the 20th, but I will try very hard to come to your visit to Corte Madera. Without your brilliant idea, the confidence wig, I would never go anywhere. You’re awesome. I’m telling you all this now because I will either stutter or cry if I try to talk to you out loud. 🙂 Thanks for being so fucking cool, and writing, and never giving up. <3

  696. I love your honesty about your depression. I have taken the same approach with all of my illnesses as well. I believe in absolute honesty.

  697. Congratulations!! Can’t wait to check it out! I’m just catching on to your blog and am excited to read on and laugh with you:)

  698. boo hoo hoo! No Chicago stop. But I buy book the hardcover and the audio – ’cause that’s just the way I am …

  699. So awesome!!! I will do my best to see you when you come out to San Francisco!!

  701. i have the overwhelming urge to skip work on april 24th. because obviously. houston. duh. i would so totally drive there.

  702. Just some FYI (for those who have never attended a signing before):

    I found out that all of the bookstores in TX who are hosting will require you to purchase at least one book from them for the signing. While this is kind of ok, I realize that it is also kind of sucky for those of us who pre-ordered (so that we could get our signed bookplate OR just got excited ?), so I thought I’d let the other fans know to NOT order ALL of the books you want in advance, if you plan on asking The Awesome One to sign them for you, save at least one to purchase AT the event.

    Hope this helps – CAN’T WAIT!

  703. NASHVILLE, BABY!! It’s like Texas, but not at all…. Can’t wait to read it! YEEHAW!. yeah, I just said that.

  704. East West Texas. Where is the love for middle America? Chicago date please!

  706. Two things:
    1) congratulations on the book! I notice that Miami, FL isn’t on the tour list… no wonder you’re depressed! California sucks!
    2) the red dress. I AM DYING FOR THAT PEACOCK FEATHER RED DRESS! And it looks beautiful on you, just not as good as it would look on me 😉 which is too bad because when we show up at a party together someone is bound to post a side-by-side “who wore it best” post on their blog and, sadly, you would lose. Which probably wouldn’t help your depression much, that parts sad. I guess what will have to happen is that I’ll get you all sloppy drunk on booze slushies beforehand and then you won’t even care! See what a good friend I am?!!?

    Anyway, yeah… the book looks awesome and I love reading your posts. Keep it up cuz sometimes, it’s the reason why I’m able to get up too <3

  707. Congratulations! I laughed until I cried as I read the HR excerpts – the book may just do me in! Can’t wait to read it!

  708. Come to florida!!! Preferably South Florida…more specific, Fort Lauderdale!!!!! Love your blog, you definitely know how to make a girl laugh out loud!!

  710. So now I’m sad that I don’t live in New York. Cuz I would totally come. I’ve only recently gotten into your blog, but my husband is probably already sick of me laughing hysterically and then reading entire posts out loud to him.

  711. Jenny! I know others have said but I totally love that you are going to my small hometown San Angelo. I even love it more that you are ending the tour there. I don’t know what the “connection” is that others mention but it makes me love you all the more.

  713. If you haven’t checked out the 22 tags on Amazon that are currently associated with Let’s Pretend This Never Happened, I’m sharing them with you right here:
    8 libs of uncut cocaine (69)
    douchecanoe (45)
    humor (40)
    beyoncé (39)
    when your wrong your wrong (30)
    funny (22)
    recommended by jesus (22)
    bloggess (21)
    crazytown (18)
    demonstration of relevance (15)
    hilarious (11)
    heavy metal chicken (9)
    thebloggess (9)
    texas author (7)
    mother (4)
    tina fey (3)
    wife (2)
    like mother theresa (1)
    marriage (1)
    only better (1)
    overpriced-kindle-version( 1)
    sex (1)

    I think “Tina Fey” and “overpriced-kindle-version” are the only misfits.

  714. FYI. CatButt was one of the names the members of Pearl Jam considered before settling on Pearl Jam. CatButt was much cooler. IMHO

  717. So now I’m sad that I don’t live in New York. Cuz I would totally come. I’ve only recently gotten into your blog, but my husband is probably already sick of me laughing hysterically and then reading entire posts out loud to him.

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