This is supposed to be a post about how awesome sharks are but I can’t even do it because OHMYGODYOUGUYSMYBOOKISHERE.  And MY AUDIO BOOK TOO.  Sorry for all the screaming but I just got the final, hardback version that comes out next month and then I screamed a little because this is a decade in the making and also because OHMYGODYOUGUYS it comes out next month.

Sorry.  I’m geeking out in an incredibly embarrassing fashion but I can’t help it and you’ve been with me through this entire process so I want to celebrate with you.

So to celebrate I’m giving away an autographed copy of my book and of the audiobook too.  Just leave a comment and this week one of you will be randomly selected to win this:

Not the cat butt. That's mine.

And in related, panic-inducing news, I’m going on tour.  Much like Bon Jovi.  Or like artifacts from terrible disasters.

Details below! (Graphic courtesy of my amazing friend, Len):

Click on the graphic for details and ticket info. More locations might be coming soon. I'll keep you posted.

Come?  Pretty please?

UPDATED:  WE have a winner!  Leigh-Ellen of Canada, a book is on its way to you.  And a huge thank you for such an amazing show of support.  I so love you guys.

4,717 thoughts on “UDATED! FREAKING. OUT.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I’m so happy for you! And looking forward to reading the book. If Seattle makes it onto your tour list, I’d simply swoon with joy.


  2. Can you PLLLLLEEEEAAAASSSSEEE come to the Midwest??!! I would drive to see you and stand in line but none of the places you are going are even close to an 8 hour drive for me!! Kansas City would be great or Omaha NE. Prefferably Omaha, and I will take you out to dinner!!!

  3. Can’t wait to read the book and get my bookplate, but an actual autographed book would mean I can spread The Bloggess good word around a little further! And if you could find a way in your heart to make it to “sunny” Portland, Oregon, on your book tour, I will buy you a maple bacon bar or bubble gum donut from VooDoo Donuts! Hell, I’d buy you a whole coffin full if you wanted, cause they sell them.

  4. Would you PLEASSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEE come to Boston? (the closest “big city” to New Hampshire) It’s full of old stuff and I am sure you could find something fun to play with, maybe a taxidermied Lobster dressed in Colonial drag. Who knows! Congrats on your book, CAN’T WAIT TO READ IT!

  5. HUGE congratulations! I’m guessing if your tour went to every major city that wanted you, there would be no need for a permanent address in Texas because you’d never be home . Glad you are taking the wonderful crazy on the road. Best wishes and huge kudos for the courage in your decision. You Rock!!

  6. yay! double yay, you’re coming to LA. Boo, I’m a broke college student and probably can’t pay the $20 or whatever to go to that thing. Maybe I’ll work that out.

    I’m counting down to the day I get this book. I pre-ordered two copies so my stepmamma and I don’t have to share [generally we exchange books, but we’re separated by 400 miles of desert and I didn’t want us to have to wait].

    As an aside, I was totally almost at the Queen Mary the same night you were at the Queen Mary. Instead of going to support my boyfriend’s rapping with his friends, I ditched that to get dinner and drinks with coworkers, which was very much needed. I got home, was stalking you on Twitter, and was immediately pissed because I could have been ghost hunting and stalking you. Next time, bloggess, next time. [and now you’re going to hid in various Queen Mary bathrooms because I’ve frightened you]

  7. OMG please come to Seattle!!! I will host a book signing party for you!! You are nothing short of famous in our circle 🙂

  8. So excited for you!!! Wish you were coming to Seattle, but we love the crap outta you regardless 🙂

  9. Bet you’re flying right past Phoenix and not even stopping. Drop by someday. 🙂

  10. A part of me desperately wants to win the audiobook. We’re about to move from Washington back to Tennessee and it would make a great listen on the long drive. The other part of me is positive that should I win it, I will meet a terrible metal-crunching-bone-smashing death due to hysterical, uncontrollable laughter while driving. Oh well, I’ll take my chances! Congrats on your book! You’ve just achieved something that so many people only dream about. Scream all you want and then some.

  11. Serious congratulations. To properly celebrate, a visit to “Cake Wrecks” is in order. Pick me, please.

  12. Congratulations! It must feel fabulous to have a decade worth of work in your hands. P.S. I was a bit saddened that the cat butt in the picture wouldn’t come with the book – I have a nice empty spot on my desk that could do with a little bit of fur. Alas, I’ll have to find my own damn cat. 🙂

  13. out of 1990 comments so far I probably won’t win it, but I’d love to. Really enjoying your blog. Keep ’em coming. Thanks!

  14. OMG Can I have one even though I live in Canada and oh pretty pretty PLEASE?

  15. time out… AUDIOBOOK! Welcome to the big leagues! I drive so much that I don’t even bother buying very many hardback books anymore. Obviously I was going to make an exception for yours, BUT NOW… *Angels singing* GLORIOUS!

  16. I second what others have said about coming to Chicago. Come on, it’s not like you have to have a life or anything. Just travel around for our collective amusement. We’ll be sure to all tell you how AMAZING you are and how great it is to meet you!!! PLEASE?!?

  17. Oh, please please please come to Arizona! Beyonce puppet-wielding Arizonans would jump at the chance to meet you! I suggest Changing Hands Bookstore (http://www.changinghands.com/), an independent bookstore with a wonderful reputation in the Phoenix valley. I am sending them an email to make sure you are on their radar…..

  18. I’m so happy you’re coming to SF! Is it a joke that you’ll be here on 4/20 though? LOL – can’t wait!!!

  19. Well, I was totally hoping to come see you! But I live no where near any of your stops. So, I’ll hope for the next best thing with an autographed copy of your book or your audiobook. 🙂

  20. I’m a fairly new reader to your website (a friend sent me the link in January) and I cannot even tell you how much laughter you’ve brought to my life – usually on days where if I didn’t laugh I would have been crying in the bathroom at work. Would LOVE to win the book! 🙂

  21. I am so excited to read your book! And so happy for you! Also, apparently I really like exclamation points!!!

  22. Yay! Congrats. I can’t wait, I preordered long ago so I’ll be waiting patiently.

  23. Congratulations! (and wow, 2000+ comments!!) I love, love, love reading your blogs (been a LONG time chron.com reader) and can’t wait for my copy of the book to arrive 🙂 My husband and I will have to flip a coin to see which one of us gets to go to the Houston book signing, unless there will be babysitters there. Hmmm, is Juanita qualified? Thanks for sharing your life with us.

  24. 1999? Let’s make it an even 2000 comments shall we? Pretty please I want a copy of your book. Also – no Philadelphia on that tour list?

  25. Heck Yeah!!!!!!!! You will be here (Dallas) on my birthday! Happy birthday to ME! Might have to bring along the IT guy here at work, he has a little bloggess crush going on. I preordered your book and can’t wait! I was so torn becasue audiobook by you is even more amazing! Congrats on all your happenings. Sorry for all the exclamation points, don’t mean to scream.

  26. Can’t wait to read your book! You should come visit SLC Utah. I know so many locals here who absolutely LOVE you!

  27. Yes, please come to DC. Or northern Virginia! It’s very pretty here in Spring.

  28. This is such a huge accomplishment! Congratulations & felicitations! (Now do you have a visual of little Keri Russell’s and confetti in the air? Me too.)

    Beautiful, brilliant, yay!

  29. I’ll be at the Austin book signing! Can’t wait to see you in person and have you sign my book. Would love to win the book and audio, but then, who wouldn’t?

  30. Looking forward to reading it, hopefully, I may be able to see you in Dallas when you are here on tour, how come no authors ever come to the west side, ie. Fort Worth.

  31. I tried the ‘amazing Len’ link and I have to tell you, the drawing he made for your poster looks more like the amazing Len than the amazing Bloggess.

    I’d be careful visiting his house; he might imagine himself as you and be working on a skin suit in the basement.

  32. I can just imagine the lines for this book tour.. various dead animals in compromising pose, confidence wigs in all colors, the cry of ” WOLVERINES!” at random intervals, and booze slush’s for all! Damn I wanna go!!!

  33. Do Canadians count this time? 😉

    This is so awesome for you, congrats! (And awesome for us because we get to read the awesomeness that is your awesome. Awesome, eh?)

  34. You should add Iowa City to your book tour–we’re an actual UNESCO “City of Literature.” Which would be really good for your resume. Plus, we’d welcome you with cocktails, chickens, and random taxidermy.

  35. I have a road trip coming up and I plan to spend it listening to your audio book and avoiding awkward silences with my fellow travelers. Listening to this book won’t be awkward will it?

  36. I cannot beleive that you’re not coming to Little Rock, AR with all those other big cities on the tour. This place is a fucking booming metropolis and they are having you skip it? Not good planning there, book execs. Don’t you know this state is the home of Wal-Mart? Oh, you do? Oh, that played in to your decision? Shit.

  37. While I don’t need a copy of the book as I’ve already pre-ordered mine, I’d like to win one to give a copy to someone that hasn’t experienced you yet.

  38. Congratulations, Jenny. I wish your book was here today. I could really use the cheering up. I’m sure people tell you this all the time, but it feels as though I’ve really come to know you over the past year that I’ve been reading your blog. I think it’s awesome that you did your own reading on the audio tape; that will make it even more personal. I’m already plotting a way to try to get to one of the Texas tour dates, maybe Austin. I’m very happy for you. This is quite an achievement.

  39. OOOOH, pleeeease come to Nashville, to Parnassus Books – the only bookstore left in Nashville proper! (We have a Barnes & Noble but it’s 17 miles away, and a Books-a-million but it’s far away too and this is the bookstore that was just started by the author Ann Patchett that they talked about on the news and stuff because it’s not part of a chain…)

  40. You should definitely come to Canada, but the Ottawa part. I swear, April is more or less spring here.

  41. I apologize for being one of the people who signed up for the 5,000 (then 10,000) autographed bookplates; I hope your entire right side has recovered. If I win, I’ll give the inferior version I’m expecting from Amazon to my co-worker who introduced me to your blog, even though she’s over Beyonce and has asked me to stop putting the puppets in her mailbox.

  42. I am also very sad you aren’t coming to DC! I desperately hope that changes!

  43. What the piss! No Philadelphia? The country was founded here…by old white dudes who wore wigs in 90 degree weather. It’s on our state flag!
    I already ordered the book and am quite excited. Not “discharge” type excited, but excited nonetheless.


  44. Woohoo! I can’t wait to get my copy! And if I win can you draw a cat in it?

  45. Holy crap I want that! I guess I can be ok with no cat butt. You gotta come to DC! please please please.

  46. If you ever get up to Alaska…..I’d wet my pants. (I was in some sort of coma when I think you were here before…)

  47. PLEASE come to the Pacific Northwest! We all wear flannel and listen to grunge and are depressed and we desperately need some entertainment!

  48. Congratulations! I’m looking forward to reading your book. If your tour ends up including Colorado, I will be there for sure.

  49. Fantastic! It’s too bad you’re not doing any tours north of the boarder! However I have requested this for mother’s day and can’t wait to read it.

  50. Are you bringing Juanita with you on tour?! I’m sure she would do ALL your cooking and cleaning. Even if the motherfucking souffle was ruined. Can’t wait for your book!!

  51. Of course reading the audio book yourself is a good thing! Of course, I can’t read or listen to either just now, since it took me about 3 hours just to scroll down to the bottom of the page to add this comment.

  52. PLEASE come to Philly for your book tour. My wife LOVES you and you are an inspiration to her….and me, too. Hope to see you out here.

  53. When I read the portion from the book on your blog, I laughed so hard people at work started to stare.

  54. Full of awesome! And honestly, the cat’s ass makes the picture even better! Congrats on the book & I can’t wait to read it!

  55. I wish you were coming to Denver. Oh well, I’ve had my copy of your book pre-ordered since February and I’m so excited! I read aloud everything on the site to my boyfriend though, so if I won it, he would have his own copy and we would get to listen to the audiobook. Congratulations, and I can’t wait to read it!

  56. If you come to Michigan, I will learn how to taxidermy a wolverine for you.

  57. Cannot wait to see you in NYC!! Going to pay people to stand on line for me at all the B&N to make sure I get to meet you. Maybe I should plan for two lines per store. One at the main entrance and another at the bathroom.

  58. So….does the audio book come in 8 track?

    It’d be pretty sweet if it did….

  59. The cat butt would have been nice too, but I’ll definitely go for winning your book/audio book instead. Congrats on the book, by the way!

  60. Really? all the way out to the west coast and no stop in San Diego?????? Sad, it’s just sad.

  61. I was so excited to see you’re touring and coming to my area (NY) and on my actual birthday too! Then I realized it’s a Tuesday and I have to be home in NJ for my daughter that day. I wish I could see you in person! If you want a home cooked meal (badly enough to swing by NJ), consider this an invitation. I’m not a psycho (of course, that’s exactly what a psycho would say).

    (Hi Mary – I know you’re probably the one reading these.)

  62. Oh My God! Come to Boston! I love your writing a lot, but I’m not driving to NY for you. Actually, let’s be honest, I’m probably not going to brave anything where there might be more than 2 people, no matter what the reward is. So nevermind. Don’t come to Boston. I am looking forward to reading your book, alone, where no one can look at me funny.

  63. Really wish you were coming closer to the heart of the country! Can’t wait to read the rest of the book.

  64. Ooh! I’d love a copy of your audio book. And an autographed hard copy would be the new cornerstone of the library I’m going to make out of my daughter’s bedroom when she moves out. So…pick me! 🙂

    I wish your book tour was coming a little farther into the northwest so I could come see you, so if you want to add Spokane, WA to the list, I’d be there!

  65. I cannot wait to read it! Congratulations and feel free to because I can’t think of any!

    Way to go Bloggess!

  66. If I print this out and write a date for Germany on this poster, you’re obligated to come here, right? Right?!

  67. OMG. So excited for you – I know you’ve been working on it forever, so congrats! Now, with that out of the way, come to Toronto. Our beer is stronger here, and I’m buying. 🙂

  68. I so hope that you pick me. I am super excited about this book but do not think I’ll have the dough to get it when it comes out. I keep entering every contest (via you & book companies for ARCs, I review too). I just know that it will be a future favorite.

    & you’re going on tour? So awesome. I am jealous of my NYC friends.

  69. Congratulations Jenny!! Please consider coming to Canada. Ottawa specifically. I can guarantee you a crowd of at least 15 people for a book signing. 🙂 Every time I share one of your posts on my Facebook, I get you another couple fans. We love you, even though you think our money isn’t real but our bacon is.

  70. I came to your site via welcometomybrain.net and find you HIL-AR-E-OUS. Can’t wait to read more. Thanks for the laughs.


  71. Congrats!!! Can’t wait to read it. Also, your tour should come to Canada! Specifically Vancouver, pretty please? Its not that cold…anymore.

  72. I was so excited to see that you are going on tour…and then I realized that I don’t live in Texas. Please come to West Michigan! We have a beautiful lakeshore, a tulip festival in May (well, maybe a stem festival by then this year) and I know where you can visit a metal chicken farm. I would love you to pick me but if you don’t I will settle for the pre-ordered book and bookplate. Congratulations Jenny, you deserve it!

  73. Congratz! I love your blog, and can’t wait to read the book. Thanks for the giveaway.

  74. Holy shit Batman! This is the best news I have read today. Cannot wait for my hard copy to arrive, and I hope I catch you on tour! Congrats!

  75. Luckily for me, I already have 4 prime cat butts of my own. I can’t wait to get my own copy of the book, I read everything you post and adore it and yeah.

  76. I want that. My head would explode. Also I really want to come see you when you come to San Antonio. FIngers crossed

  77. Come to Powell’s in Portland! We know how to show awesome authors a good time!

  78. A tour!! That’s so exciting. Even if you aren’t coming anywhere near the southern US (where we love your blog, too). Sadness. We will survive. And buy your book. In traditional Scarlet O’Hara style.

  79. That’s great! I can’t wait to read it… which would be much easier if I were to have a free copy. 🙂

  80. I am so excited for your book. I just wish you were coming to Boston for a signing!

  81. San Angelo? But not Midland? Who’s scheduling you tour?

    (With Colbert grabby hand outstretched towards the camera) Autographed swag please!

  82. Jenny – Please visit Wellesley Books in Wellesley Massachusetts! Or anywhere in Massachusetts!

  83. Come, pretty please, to Portland, OR? I know you’d have a huge mess of fans come to try to get a piece of your hair or clothing. I’d be happy with an autograph. Maybe. 🙂

  84. I love what you’re doing! And for all of us that may seem a little crazy to the rest of the world, your blog makes me seem like I’m a little more normal, and gives me hope that there are others out there who are just as messed up as me and all of my friends. Congratulations on the book and no doubt it will be a best seller!!

  85. Woohoo! And I have been able to order it in the UK too; so happy, can’t stop smiling in a terrifying serial killer style.

  86. I’m so excited and happy for you!! Excappy? Hacited? Also, I’m really jealous of all of those places that you’re visiting because nobody ever will willfully visit Delaware. And I understand that.

  87. Congratulations! The excerpt you posted was deliriously funny, oddly familiar, but funny! btw Thanks for the Dr. Pants concert from your bathroom. 🙂

  88. I agree with the first commenter, because I’m also in KS!!!! Please come here! Or at least somewhere within a reasonable driving distance…

  89. I confess, this comment is a shameless attempt to win an autographed copy of your book (audio and otherwise), but I don’t really have a problem with that as I love your work.

  90. I will definitely come see you in Houston!!!! Also, have the signed inserts been sent out for pre-orders? I preordered a book ages ago and went to the insert link and filled it out too, but knowing my attention span, I probably did something wrong.


  91. Please come to Oklahoma City, it’s just a few hours away! You can stay at my house, in my daughter’s nursery (in her crib?). PLEASE PLEASE!

  92. I’m so excited for you (and for me since I get to read your book)! You deserve this more than anyone I don’t know in life but feel like I know through the magic of the intertubes.

    I would totally come and geek out at your booksigning tour but you aren’t going anywhere close to where I live, which fine! I get it. You’re just not that into me.

    I’m so happy for you and your success! Keep it up!

  93. Congratulations! I wish you were coming to Minneapolis. Can’t wait to read your book!

  94. I loved the excerpt from the book that you posted and passed it onto my fellow HR friends. It’s like a lingering taste in my mouth and I need more!

  95. OMG i neeeeeed your book!
    And since you are not coming to Atlanta, GA on your tour, I think you owe me one 😉

  96. That’s a trophy in the shape of a cat’s ass – which is to say, a cat’s-ass-trophy (say it quickly and it’s very close to mildly humorous).

    Also, what, not coming up to Canada? Come up to Toronto – we’re like New York run by Disney. You can crash in my guest room. I have twine.

  97. I already bought 2 both with name plates(Super excited!) I am hoping my bitch of a girlfriend is too lazy to actually buy her own copy because one of them is for her. Would love to have another one though! ( : Super excited for you! Like everyone else come tour where I live….Kansas City, MO. We can pretend it never happened?! ( ; Jess

  98. I’m so excited that you’ll be stopping by the Bay Area! I definitely want to go! 😀

  99. You are so phenomenally fantastic, I can’t even put it into words. I’m really hoping you add a date in Seattle so I can drive down from Canada to bask in your awesomeness.
    In all seriousness, you are an inspiration. Whenever my anxiety is getting the best of me I know I can come to your blog and find a luagh and the strength to keep fighting.

  100. Well Ms. Jenny,
    Congratulations on your book arriving. That must be a phenomenal feeling!
    I have a sense that if I were to win, I might just add a small headache to your life, given that I live up North in Vancouver, BC…. and I don’t want to do THAT!…so if I get picked at random… I promise to send you a postage paid box to deal with the annoyance that is ‘shipping to Canada’. Because I’m helpful like that.
    Either way, you are brilliant, and inspiring, and following you on Twitter always makes my day a little better.
    The day you followed me back, well, I sorta felt like *I* had written a book!! So thanks for that simple gesture that made me so #furiouslyhappy!

  101. I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE a copy of your book before all my friends get it!
    I would be all like, ha-ha! Suck it my bitches, Jenny likes me more because I have twine AND Beyonce. Oh, and a little flying pig named Bacon….which my “friends” thought it would be really funny to steal him off my front porch on New Year’s Eve while he was perched happily on Beyonce’s back! So not funny!
    Thanks for making me smile!
    Jeanne B

  102. You should totally come to Greetings and Readings in Hunt Valley, MD, about 15 miles north of central Baltimore. We have crabs and crab cakes and we’ll feed you!

  103. YAY! I really wish you were making a stop in Utah, I imagine a signing for your book would be more fun than any book signing the world has ever seen!

  104. If you come to Pa, I promise not only not to cook for you, but I will let you hide in my bathroom for your entire stay. I will even hire security to handle the masses that will gather outside my door waiting to see you! (My cat can’t keep a secret to save her life 🙂 )

  105. Yay! I can’t wait to get my copy!!! If only you’d come to Wichita…then I’d definitely some see you!

    Huge congrats!

  106. When you come to the San Francisco location (Book Passage – Corte Madera), I’m going to bring my large roll of twine. And if you want it, you can have it, because although walking into a book store with a large roll of twine will be awkward, it will be less so if I hand it to you.

    Plus, you’ll never run out.

  107. So excited! Just wish you were going to be here on a weekend instead of a weekday when I can’t get out to L.A. >_<

  108. You should definitely make Philadelphia a stop on your “Pretend” tour. We will shower you with Brotherly Love, cheese steaks and red dresses. And miniature red dresses for Hamlet and Juanita. Besides, those two need to get their pictures taken in front of Independence Hall holding American flags and wearing Colonial costumes. 🙂

  109. YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!! Super excited for you!!!!!

    Holy cow my finger felt like a mouse on a wheel trying to get to the bottom of the page to the comments! 🙂

  110. Audiobook! Perfect! I will play your audiobook this summer while digging up dinosaurs. (Note: dinosaurs do not taxidermy well. Skinny boney things. However, prairie dog skulls look smashing in miniature cowboy hats)

  111. Since you’re not coming to Portland, the least you could do is rig this and give me the books! Ha! Seriously, major congrats on the accomplishment!

  112. I wish your book tour was coming to Canada. We have bathrooms you can hide in because of your social anxiety disorder. We also love it when you make fun of our money and try to use it to buy Canadian bacon (which is really just ham, shhhhhhh). If I win your autographed book I’m going to give it to my best friend for her birthday because I have converted her to The Bloggess movement.

  113. OHMYGODYOUGUYSIsowanttowin!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASEOHPLEASEOHPLEASEpickme!!!!!!!!!!!! ILOVEYOUJENNYandIwannacometoyourbooktourwhenyougettoLosAngeles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITWOULDBESOFREAKINGAWESOMEifIcouldcollectmy”winnings”atyourbooktour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    So happy for you; love everything you do; can’t wait to meet you (altho I think if I were anxiety-prone, I would not know how to cope with a book tour, so I’m going to keep you in my prayers). WWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Yay, Jenny! 😀

  114. I know I’m not as witty as some of your other followers, BUT I do think of you Monday through Friday, because there is a house by my office that has a HUGE metal chicken on their upstairs balcony that they dress up for each holiday… Can’t wait for your book. Even if I have to buy it.

  115. Congrats! Can’t wait to read the book! Hopefully I’ll see you in Dallas in April!

  116. Commenting to try to win!
    I’m not going to be one of *those* people and use the comment as a chance to whine about you not coming to my city. After all, Minneapolis is AWESOME! It must not be on your list simply because you forgot it on the poster, not because you’re not coming here, right? RIGHT? *whimper*

  117. The bathroom in my house is clean and the Snoopy SnoCone Machine is ready to make wine slushees for your visit to Houston!

  118. I’m too poor to pre-order and my mom is threatening to just get .it on her Kindle.

  119. OMG you’re going to be in SF on 4/20? oOooooo that’ll be an amusing time. Can’t wait!

  120. So many comments already. I’ve ordered your book, but I also want the audio version, so if I win, may I have dibs on that one?
    This is so exciting for you (and us). Your tour doesn’t come near me (Detroit) – frowny face. If you picked Chicago or Cleveland or Grand Rapids (nice, smaller city, shouldn’t be intimidating), then I would drive there.
    But as it is, New York is the closest and that’s not doable. Okay, I’ll stop whining and rejoice with you on this momentous occasion. Booya!

  121. Comment! I like your taxidermied mouse cover. His ruffled collar just screams class. Totally going be the new trend or something this season. (new-old-new-again, i mean)

  122. So I would totally be stoked if you came to New England, but specifically Western Massachusetts… but I know you’re in Texas, so it prob won’t happen.

    I would totally love the audio book version if you would be so happy to pick me to win! I listen to books while I’m driving as I drive all over the state for work

  123. Yay! I just wish you were coming to Boston or NY on a weekend instead of a weekday.

  124. Yay! The book looks awesome. And though my chances are slim, with over 2000 comments so far, they’re better than the Powerball lottery.

    I’m bummed though, you’re not coming to Iowa? I mean, come on, we’ve got CORN. Plus awesome butterfly pork chops. What’s not to love. At least head on out to Chicago. All the midwest peeps have been shut out! It’s okay if you can’t though. I’ll still love you. Just maybe a little less.

    KIDDING! So happy for you.

  125. Please consider adding a stop in Florida. I promise no one will try to shoot you for packing candy, or arrest you while you’re still wearing (?) your butt plug, or inject you with fix-a-flat, or break your arm for pouring out their beer, or slap you with a piece of pizza, or adopt you to save their fortune, or…jeez. Maybe instead of you coming to Florida I’ll just leave. Excited about the book though!

  126. Hooray! I currently have a one-in-2129 chance of winning! Probably soon to be one-in-10,000 but I prefer to freeze time now and assume that I potentially could still win as opposed to likely lose! If you were coming to Canada I would be there with bells on! (total lie – Canada is HUGE – it would have to be in southern Ontario and that is still huge so probably still a lie. But I would super WANT to be there even if I had to drive 500kM (I have to reference KM instead of Miles because I am – you know – Canadian) only to be barred from meeting you by a protest being done by William Shatner and Nathan Fillion (both of whom are Canadian and both of whom are PROBABLY the reason you aren’t coming here, which will upset me until I am distracted by something awesome … such as reading your book! So see – it is meant to be that I win. Yay!).

  127. Can not wait to read your book, I just recently found your blog and became an instant fan!

  128. You so have got to come to Philly one day. I’d let you sleep in my sofa bed and eat Cheetos with Eddie & Jimmy. Can’t wait for the book. I was telling my MIL about your blog and your book and now she wants you to come sleep on her sofa too.

    PS. Congratulations on your book.

  129. Congratulations, Jenny! I can’t wait to get my copy and book plate next month! 🙂

  130. Yay for you! This is my first Bloggess comment. I felt like that needed to be said. Also, thanks to you, “douche canoe” is part of my regular vocabulary for undesirable people.

  131. OMFG! Even though I preordered it on my kindle, I would FUCKING LOVE to win either of those copies!! I can picture it now…suck ass day at work, pop in Jen’s audio book on my hour and half drive home and by the time I get there, I will be happy and laughing! If I don’t win, I’ll just have to go buy an audio copy. You’re a true inspiration and I hope that you can squeeze in Vegas on your tour!! Much love bubbles to you<3

  132. So many huge congratulations to you! I don’t want to win the book. I’ve already paid for mine. You know the one WITH OUT your autograph. pfft.

  133. Very excited! I can’t wait to read the book. I kind if want the audio book so I can listen to it on my long commute each day but I also fear crashing due to laughing too hard.

  134. So proud of you, and I totally understand the freaking out. You should be screaming it to the world… I wrote a book! Oh wait, you are. Ha! (And by the way, I’d love to win the copy of your book. Then I could be proud too.)

  135. Congratulations! You should come to DC, we are excellent at pretending things never happened.

  136. Count me in for this! Even though I have already pre-ordered. But I’d love the autographed copy too. And to hear you on the audio book. Damn… I’m kinda fan-girlin’ out here.

  137. I don’t see Madison, WI on that list. Tisk, tisk. I’ll take a book as consolation.

  138. Please add Seattle to your tour I’ll ditch work and everything to stand in line to say hi.

  139. Congratulations on the book! You have every right to freak out, geek out, and be ecstatic. Good for you! (husband and I are faithful readers…love the taxidermy)

    All the best,

  140. OMG, the audiobook! I must have!

    But if I listened to your audiobook in the car on the way to work, I may laugh so hard I crash. And would you want to be responsible for f’ing up DC traffic more than it is already???

  141. I sent your previous post to all my girlfriends and told them I was not going to lend them my copy, they had to buy their own. One is furiously downloading your old posts to have on her Kindle while she is on vacation in 2 weeks. San Angelo is only 9 hours away from Albuquerque, entirely doable with a couple of cohorts. See you April 28!

    I just looked and we have tons of taxidermists around here, even schools… FYI

  143. Please, please come to Ohio!!! We don’t get much here and so we live to stalk and would camp out, bring snacks, play games and what ever else we need to keep us busy while in line!!!!

  144. Congratulations again! It must be great to hold your own book in your hand. Any chance you will be coming to Canada – specifically Vancouver, BC??? Please?

  145. That is off-the-charts exciting and I am so excited for you! I am bummed that you aren’t coming to Missouri but am truly impressed that you are stretching yourself and do a tour. That is just awesome!

    Anxiously awaiting your release date!

  146. Please please please come closer to Kentucky. I would totally drive to Chicago for you, but New York is a tad far.

  147. Can you please stop in Alaska on your book tour? I would love that! Thanks!

  148. Woohoo! That is awesome. I would so love a signed copy …..Come to Abilene, TX, we’d love to have you!

  149. Of course, you would come to New York on the same day that I fly to London. Ah well, we can wave at each other at JFK. I haven’t scoped out the bathrooms at the B&N on the East Side, but I’m sure some of your rabid fans could spruce the place up a little. Some fresh flowers, some cozy, panic-reducing candles. An economy-sized bottle of Xanax. You know; it’s the little touches.

    Congrats and have a fabulous tour!

  150. I absolutely LOVED your book excerpt, and I can’t wait to read the rest! So glad you’re going to all those Texas cities!

  151. First time commenter, but I love reading your blog and would be super excited to get your book! Right now it is on my hubby’s hint list for an anniversary present.

  152. PLEASE come to Nashville! we have some book companies Headquarters here and we Always LOVE Authors!

  153. Last time in LA, it was a visit with Wil. This time come visit our house! We can be anxious together, and pet cats to relax.

  154. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE a copy of your book to read while I am on pregnancy bed rest. Your blog keeps me sane in an otherwise insane time.

  155. Oohh, I can’t wait to see you at Book People in Austin. Loved you at LTYM last year in Austin. Congrats on your book!

  156. LOVE! So glad that the books came in! Now I just have to patiently wait for mine! (or try to at least)


  157. Apparently Chicago is hopelessly un-hip because NO ONE ever comes to see us. Seriously – Blues anyone? The Sears (Or whatever the hell company bought it) Tower? I guess we went out of style with the 1933 World’s fair.

  158. **fangirl scream while running around the room** The Bloggess is going on tour!!!! **looks at locales & gets pouty face complete with tear swollen eyes** Why you no come to Miami? puhlease I’ll even call in sick!! We can find you a nice barnes and noble in the richey rich nieghborhood that is gauranteed to have a nice clean bathroom that you can hide in!!!

  159. dude, i’m so so SO proud of you and this book, BUT i’m mostly proud of you that you’re doing a book tour!

    (will it include wigs? if so, i might be there.)

  160. So excited to see you in LA next month! This is EPIC!

    Are you going to tour with a custom made bathroom like the one they made for you at the BlogHer People’s party?

  161. Wow, I kinda wish you had posted about sharks, but books are good too. REALLY GOOD!!! Congratulations. I would LOVE to win a copy. I am so excited for you!!

  162. I absolutely must have your audio book. It is the only way I’ll get through my eight hours of hell. Please?

  163. Congratulations! Your success keeps me motivated to finish my own book 🙂

  164. If you come to Oxford for the UK release of the book, I can take you out for a proper pint. 🙂 Congratulations!

  165. OH MY COW! That’s a lot of responses so quickly. HUGE CONGRATS…Geek Out tell they call you Urkle! This is a huge accomplishment!

  166. WOO-HOO!! You’re coming here on the 19th!!! I’ll totally come see you! 🙂

  167. YOU ARE SO FLIPPIN AWESOME! Too bad you’re not coming to Chicago, we could meet, and we could become best friends in real life (then we’d be more than imaginary “besties” like in my mind)

  168. Ok so really the odds of you reading comment 2140ish are slim to none but I say fuck it I am going to write anyway.
    1.) I want your signed book…the end.
    2.) Your book tour should come to Vegas. No book tours ever come to Vegas and there is lots of free drinks
    3.)I may or may not be helping to plan a proposal that will use a Beyonce. I will keep you updated.
    Thanks 🙂

  169. I hope I win! I hope I win!!!!! I don’t care that I already have the Kindle version set to download the second it is available….. I WANT THIS! 🙂

  170. If I call at your book like it’s a cat, is it more likely that it will come to me?
    What do I care. I’ll do it anyway.


    P.S. I want your book.


  171. OMG! I am so excited! I just can’t decide if I want to get it in book form or in e-book form…oh what the heck, probably both!!

  172. Come to Georgia and I will totally kill and stuff a Hogzilla for you. He, Beyonce and Juanita would be the best of friends.

  173. Fan-farking-tastic! I can’t wait to get mine, I think I’m going to have to get the audiobook too for rides in the car. On second thought, maybe not, I’ll probably get in an accident from laughing. Tricky. I’d love to win though, I’m from the smallest town ever in Canada and you’re not going to come here ever, so this is my only shot at an autographed copy. Love your site, it drags me up on the shitty days, and gives the most helpful information about zombie protection. Funny and informative, my fave.

  174. It’s a weird kind of euphoria when you see something you wrote get published. A legal “high.” 🙂

  175. The last book I read for my own amusement was “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.” So, I think it’s only fitting that my next book should also have a mouse on the cover. We’ll just replace the cookie with a cape, obviously.

  176. san angelo? if it were 20 years ago id SO BE THERE. alas…im in dayton ohio. im buying your book anyway, but id be stupid GEEKCITED if i had an autographed copy.

  177. This is fabulous!!! I can’t wait to read your book!

    In unrelated news but news that I think you’ll enjoy nonetheless, I’m currently sitting by the window watching the neighborhood feral cats glare at each other, trying to decide who is going to get the best sun spot on the next door neighbor’s back porch.

  178. I am incredibly sad that you are not coming anywhere near Oregon. Southern Oregon to be exact. I was gonna wear my unicorn success club t-shirt to the event. You should live web cam one of them, so us losers in towns that NEVER get anybody cool to tour in,can watch too!

  179. a few things….
    1. Yay! And congrats
    2. Sharks ARE awesome however I can understand your abandonment of them in favor of this even MORE awesome freak out
    3. Cat butts need to go on tour with you
    4. Do they even make bathrooms big enough for all of us plus catt butts to hold a tour in?

  180. oooooh! i want a book! and an audio book! and as long as you’re keeping the cat butt, then it’s all good! 🙂 Congrats, by the way!!!

  181. Congratulations! What an awesome reason to freak out. Now, when are you coming to SEATTLE???

  182. I’m so excited for this book to come out, and can’t WAIT to read it! If I’m at all able to come to the signing in Los Angeles, I will definitely do so (but my 11-month-old will make that difficult). Anyway, even if I win this contest, I will still come to the signing just to meet you!

  183. OMGYOUGUYS I’m totally psyched, too!! COME TO SEATTLE!! I moved from Austin, so having you visit will be like bringing the sunshine I miss so much. Can’t wait to real about all the debauchery and ribald adventures in your fancy book.
    BeeTeeDubs – this doesn’t get you out of a shark post. Did you see the pic of the dude high-fiving one whilst scuba diving? Yeah, that happened.

  184. April 17 in NYC! Where? What time? Please don’t make it an evening appearance since that’s a Cub Scout meeting night. Not that you will be at the meeting. Unless you want to go to Weehawken to hang with the pack. Which would be cool, at least for the den parents. (by which I mean me).

    Anyway, now you know that you’ll have at least one crazy cub scout mom at your NYC meet ‘n greet. You’ve been warned!

    Oh, and pick me! Pick me!

  185. I am so excited for you and I can’t wait to read your book. I love your blog and I’m sure I will love your book.

  186. I cant wait for your book to come out! 😀 but las vegas isnt on the tours 🙁

  187. Amazing. That’s what you are. So excited and proud and just thrilled for you.

  188. OMFG!! You’re coming to Dallas! Wooohoooooo!! I’ll be the one in the Juanita apron! (I have pre-orderd so if I’m the random winner, just pass it on to someone else. )

    And congratulations!! Very exciting — for allllllll of us!!

  189. ?Oh aye-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di-dee-di?

    A celebratory Irish drinking song for you! Congrats girl

  190. I should def win this because you’re not coming anywhere even REMOTELY near Columbus, Ohio, and now I’m absolutely heartbroken.

  191. Pick me please! Unfortunately, I will be on my honeymoon instead of in New York when you will be here. This is the one time I wish I was going to be in New York instead of anywhere else! To make it up to me for such inconvenient scheduling you can give me a free book and audiobook 🙂

  192. Well, I live in Jordan – you know, right next door to Iraq and Syria (lovely neighborhood, really), so I doubt your book tour will bring you here. But I want to win the autographed copy, and I promise I have a U.S. address, so you could really send it if I really won it. Congratulations on your new book!

  193. I already tried to beg and plead my case for your awesomeness to bless my house and it posted on the WRONG FRIGGIN’ POST! I need a wine slushed under my desk now. 9:45 isn’t too early in the morning, right?

  194. I’m in the Navy and at sea. I’ll probably be in the Navy for life. I would love to read your book!

  195. Congrats!!!! Proud of you & impressed by your efforts. Thank you for adding to my life. 🙂

  196. Come to Colorado. Pretty please? Seriously, me and Peyton Manning will make sure your visit will leave you feeling like the only difference between you an John Bon Jovi is a shaggy, frosted coif. Screaming fans, stadiums and all. And our stadium TOTALLY looks like a diaghram… not the anatomical part of your body… the contraceptive. I’ll leave it at that because I’m pretty sure I just convinced you to come to Colorado.

  197. YAY!!! I am going to try so hard to figure out how to come to one of the stops on your tour! I would love the audiocopy of your book!!! I already preorded the book, but as someone else said, I would gladly pass it on to someone who needs it!

  198. I already have a copy of your book pre-ordered, but I would glady accept an autographed copy from you! Also, you should come to Minneapolis, MN on a Thursday or Friday on your book tour!

  199. Congratulations!!
    Wish you were coming to Palm Beach FL but I will just keep counting down the days until my pre-ordered copy decides to show up in my mailbox. 🙂

  200. Congratuations! I hope you can come to Boston some time soon! Enjoy touring and the success of your new book.

  201. If I could figure out a way to drive down to SF from Seattle in 3 hours, I completely would. But those darn Space/Time Continuum guys keep checking up on me to make sure I don’t break things. Sheesh. One little disaster of epic proportions, and no one trusts you anymore. It’s not like I ended the world or anything. So if I manage to get down there don’t tell.

    Congrats on your book! When I get it I’ll hoard it with the rest of my load-bearing-wall destroying collection.

  202. When you have a blog as good as yours – a book of equal or parallel caliber is to be expected. How fantastic and wonderful for you – thank you for the laughter you bring to my friends and I over this last year, that’s how long I have known about you, i can honestly say your stories bring tears to our yes, not only of laughter, mind you, but heartfelt empathy and support as well.

    Thanks so much for adding yet another reason to get up.

  203. wow. not such good odds for winning but I’m gonna try anyway. I can’t wait to read your book!

  204. I think it’s official, The Bloggess Army is larger than Dumbledore’s Army. I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

  205. I am so excited for your book to come out. Bummet that your book tour wont bring you to New Mexico.

  206. You should come to Canada! You can use your $10 bill! But come in the summer- after the igloos have melted.

  207. I don’t blame you for the little freak-out! It’s freaking exciting!!
    But, how did you get my cat’s butt in your picture???
    I’d love to win this fabulous prize!

  208. Holy Skittle-crapping unicorns, Batman! I totally peed myself when I saw that you wanna give those away! Only thing better than getting my hands on my own TARDIS (and I’m working on it, don’t worry. First stop, your place… I’ll bring the booze, too! Drunken TARDIS driving- what could possibly go wrong?) is a FREE BOOK. Especially YOUR book! It’s like a party in my head! We can even invite Agatha Christie- bet that woman knows how to party. Or at least bring a little air of mystery. I’m just sayin’ right now- the judge did it. Don’t even bother considering the butler. He’s just a red herring. Mmmm… herring. I’ll bring that too. Best. Party. Ever.

    I’m gonna go change my pants now. OOH! Wouldn’t that be something to win? FREE PANTS!

  209. In the spam of 5 hours you’ve had 2,280 people comment on this……… You.Are.A.Rockstar.

    Many blessings of happiness and success in this and other adventures!

  210. Will you be wearing the red dress to any book signings? You really need to come to Minneapolis. The snow is all gone – really!!

  211. Disappointed that the cat butt isn’t included. I mean, come on, it’s CAT BUTT.

    However, I could be consoled by being chosen to win the rest.

  212. I can’t wait to read your book! And I’m so excited that you are going on a book tour too – maybe they can set the signing up in the bathrooms of the bookstores to make it a little bit more homey for you!

  213. I would love, Love, LOVE a copy of the book! Both paper and audio! Woohoo and congrats!

  214. Hells yeah, you’re coming to Book People! I will see you there, unless there’s a crowd. I hate crowds, they freak me out. If there’s a crowd I’ll be at Opal Divine’s boozing it up.

    PS Stop freaking out. You’re awesome.

  215. Wow. I think I will have to give your book a read. I haven’t read a book in the past 2 years due to chronic idiopathic chest pain making it hard for me to focus but there’s just something about your writing that makes me want to try!

  216. My dude and I have already decided that your audio book will be the setting for our honeymoon driving extravaganza. And if the rest of the book is as sexy as the HR/penis excerpt was, I know it won’t disappoint!

  217. YAY!!!! I see that Dallas is on the list. I cannot wait to find out the details. Do you think this would count as family friendly leave from work? I swear boss, my cousin will have an absolute panic attack if I am not there 🙂

  218. Already placed my preorder with a local independent bookstore but would happily give a 2nd copy to a friend. Can you come to Cleveland??

  219. Pick me, pick me! So excited for you, and I can’t wait to read your book!!! Are you sure you don’t want to come back to Alaska?

  220. Just told my brother the “Is this your penis?” story yesterday…love you.

  221. Weeeee! That’s great, I’d love a copy! Wish you were coming to Seattle, but hey, if wishes were fishes, we’d all ea…I guess I’d still starve…since I don’t eat fish…

  222. This is FANTASTIC! I can’t wait to get my copy but winning an extra one would be great! I would LOVE to hear the audio version. I’m sad that I don’t get the cat butt though.

  223. Pick me please! And come to St. Louis! I’ll take you to all the awesome places people act like don’t exist here!

  224. MAN! No one cool ever comes to my neck of the woods.BUT if you ever by any chance get to West Virginia, I’ll be first in line!

    Congrats on your book!

  225. Philadelphia luvs ya. Vegan cheesesteaks… pick me and I won’t make you eat one.


    And by that I mean a cat butt, but I ALSO want one of your book. One of your books? One book, that I want one of. I’ll go refresh my grammar knowledge while you pick me as the lucky winner.

  227. CONGRATULATIONS! I’ll be at the tour stop in Houston (will be a newlywed of two days – perfect present to myself!). So exciting for you (and me)!

  228. I, too, am sad the cat butt is not included but I’m so excited about your book! I wish you were coming to Boston? Boston in the spring is very Bostoninthespring-ish. You should come!

  229. I have a nice guest room I could lend you should you come to Raleigh, NC. Translation: COME TO RALEIGH, NC!

  230. 1) I would totallly, totally coem see you if you were stopping anywhere closer than Califronia. Preferably Seattle, WA, but I could be convinced to drive all teh way down to Portland if you’d like to meet in the middle…

    2) Please?

  231. Can’t wait to read your book! Could you come to Milwaukee please?!

  232. I know it’s not nearly as cool as San Francisco or Austin. But you are going to DALLAS, so could you (pretty please) come to Memphis??? It’s a very cool, very old town. Lots to see and do besides Elvis. Not that you can DO Elvis, since he’s been dead almost 35 years. Damn, wouldn’t it have been great if they had taxidermied him? Not so people could DO him, but so people could SEE him? But, I’m getting away from my originial point. There is a LOT to do here besides Elvis stuff (not that there’s anything wrong with that). Thriving music and arts scene, great food, and I WOULD GET TO SEE YOU! *please?!?*

  233. Yay YOU! I won’t be anywhere near any of your impending tour stops, but if you get to the East Coast I’ll travel to see you!

  234. oh boy oh boy oh boy!!! Pick me!! Pick me!!! You can even stay at my house when you come to Dallas!!

    Congratulations!! I can’t wait to get a copy! If it’s half as funny as your posts- I’ll be a happy camper!

  235. Jenny,
    I love you dearly, but knowing all about your anxiety disorder, I’m wondering where they are going to find a bathroom big enough to hold all of us when we come and see you on tour…
    The book is beautiful and is truly a testament to how hard you have worked and how much you have overcome!
    Congratulations…and YAY

  236. No Vancouver or Seattle date? Come on!
    Guess I just have to wait for my book to arrive!

  237. Please oh please oh please oh please come to Florida!!!!!! We had a bridal shower for two of the girls at work last night, and of course almost all of the conversation was about YOU! and your book, and your blog, and Beyonce, and Juanita, and balls…but that’s probably unrelated…Can’t wait, so excited!!!!!!!!!!!

  238. Don’t forget about your Canadian friends. I will pay the shiping if it helps. Canada loves ya babe!!

  239. Please, please, please come to Tucson! You might eve be able to find a taxidermied javelina to add to your family!

  240. Congrats on the book tour! I think you should add Bangor, Maine to your list…we have a Books a Million and they have fantastic bathroom facilities for your hiding pleasure and I’ll volunteer to be Security for you and slide books for signing under the stall!

    And I really hope my number comes up to win this prize pack…..I’ve had a very shitty week since bei g let go from my job (hence my free time to be able to be security), major case of PMS, and a skunk has taken up residence under my porch…..FML

  241. I’m gonna plead with you, oh grand and wise Bloggess: please consider me for this book prize!

    My fiance and I are in Mexico and books in English are about worth their weight in gold to me. They don’t even have to be good books. But if they are good books, as yours simply MUST be based on how much I read and re-read your blog… well then they are hallowed pieces of artwork displayed lovingly on a bookshelf in my home (after I’ve read them throughly of course). I even dust that shelf. It’s like the golden calf except I didn’t melt any earrings to make this shrine and I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be smited (smote?) for being a book worm. …you’d think for as much as I read I would not know the proper tenses of smite.

    Your book isn’t translated in Spanish [yet] so I won’t be able to find it down here and ordering it from the states… well most times places won’t ship down here without tripling the cost of the object ordered, or they package it in a way it gets stuck at border customs for just about an eon. And then I’ll be so behind from everyone else who’s gotten to read it. I just wanna keep up with the hip cool kids.

    Help me out. I’ll send you a tiny sombrero (or 6!) for Juanita and or Hamlet or Ferris in exchange. 🙂

  242. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaase come to Chicago! Because we have great food. And also 4 season in one day. And windy corrupt politicians. And Genghis Khan at the Field Museum. And Jellies at the Shedd Aquarium. And deep dish pizza. And hot dogs without ketchup. And a river with dead bodies in it. And a trolley. And Vince Vaughn lives here. Did I mention we have dead bodies in a river?

  243. Austin, Austin, Austin! I’m totally going to be there! Hooray!!!!!!
    Although, when you said “my book is here” I had hoped, for just a moment, that you meant ALL of them were here, and would ship. **Sadness** I guess it’s fair that you get to read it first, though!

  244. HOLY COW! I wish you were coming closer to me, but I don’t think anyone EVER comes to Arkansas. Hell even President Player left us!

    I would totally come if you were closer than 6 hours away! Of course I could fly to dallas, but then I would use up my frequent flyer miles, and while you are totally worth it, I want to use those for an evil plan.

    Oh and I would like to subject myself to the truckloads of other entries for an autographed book!

  245. Would you consider giving away the cat butt as well? I’d like the book either way.

  246. OMG, almost 3000 comments? Probably not going to win an autographed anything here, but I still wanted to say CONGRATS and WOO-HOO! and think you might add Boston to that tour list????

    BTW, I think you should autograph the cat’s tail just because it caught the awesomeness by being in the picture. You can then give Ferris Mewler to your husband and tell him he won a celebrity autograph! 😉

  247. I am happy for you Jenny about your book and everything good in your life recently. However, I thought you and Matthew Broderick would be having cake today because of his birthday. I would love a pic of you guys eating your cake with spatulas. 🙂 Maybe this will be tomorrow’s post.? I will check in then as I always do because I am not on Twitter and the sharks can wait.

  248. *squeal*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So giddy FOR you!!!!!!! I try not to comment, mostly because I’m too damn lazy to scroll past your hoards of fans, but I so love you and I so love contests… it’s actually a bit of a sick fetish, but I’ll leave those details for another day. Ah yes, and I’m totally pursuing a career change into the fabulous world of taxidermy because you have inspired me beyond words. I plan on telling my family this evening. I also totally plan on filming their collective reaction 🙂 *MORE SQUEALING*!!!!! xoxox

  249. Wow! Congratulations. This next month is going to be so freaking awesome for you! Congratulations.

  250. Offering a free copy of your book to fans/commenters is like dropping a guppy into an over-populated piranha tank.
    Marlin Perkins & Steve Irwin are in heaven double dog daring each other.
    Steve: “You should totally comment, with all the taxidermy you have, she’s sure to give you a book.”
    Marlin: “Are you nuts? How ’bout YOU comment. Her fans will cut you & I would pay good money to see that.”

  251. Given my phobia of mice…I actaully would not mind having your book on my coffee table. I might scream and/or throw things at it every so often, but then will be estatic to realize that it is not a real mouse dressed up as Hamlet.

  252. You should probably make a stop in Michigan, as I am a college student and unable to find money to travel any further than that. With that said, you are a huge inspiration to me, and it would be lovely to meet you in person.

  253. OHMYGODTHISISTOTALLYAWESOMETHANKYOU! Sorry for all the yelling, but I am just so excited that you are having a giveaway of your book. This is fabulous! Congrats and good luck on the road. I want to come and get a book autographed while you are on tour – can you add in a DC locale? Hmm? Pretty Please?!!!

  254. Oh my god, I need to win this signed copy so that I can bring it when you stop in Austin and have you SIGN IT AGAIN.

  255. I haven’t commented before but i think My wife would want a chance to win this so i might as well so we double our chances. BTW i am pro Victor and many times when my wife tells me about your wacky adventures, I think Victor would be happy to know I ALWAYS agree with him!!
    Thanks for your posts, they bring much joy and head shaking to my day!

  256. You’re coming to Dallas the day before my husband’s birthday! That can be his gift (since you won’t share the cat butt…so selfish).

  257. I’m looking so forward to reading your book! Thanks for taking the time to create it 🙂

  258. Jenny Jenny Jenny, you forgot to list Chicago as a stop on your tour! My birthday is April 28th so I will warmly accept your visit as a belated birthday gift!

  259. I’m so excited about the book! It’s number 1 on my to-read-while-in-the-hospital-or-up-with-my-new-baby list. Which does mean that I’m going to hold it until May and feel a bit left out of the awesomeness for a few weeks.

  260. I saw at least one. Person said you should come to Wisconsin, and I second that! (Or fifth, or whatever wee’re on now!)

    And even though I have your book release marked on my calendar, I can’t wait to turn my Kindle on and have it download! I’m going to act like I drunk ordred it and have no idea what it is, so I can have a solid excuse to sit around and read it instead of doing any of my house work!

  261. I already pre-ordered a book, but I can always use another to give as a gift.
    Also, make sure you add Atlanta! We have a big airport and stuff. It’s easy to find.

  262. I would love a signed copy (not that the odds are in my favor). Congratulations, Jenny!

  263. i can’t even imagine what it would be like to successfully write a book. wow. congratulations!

  264. Can’t wait to get my copy. And wish your tour was brining you to KY, because I ( and about 50 of my friends) would so be there.

  265. OMG! The houston signing is totally in walking distance from my office! You flipping rawk! I already pre-ordered but I’m totally gonna be there in line as soon as I get off work hoping to meet my hero. Thank you!

  266. You know, metro Detroit would be a GREAT place for an extended book tour.

    Not really, but it would be great to see you.

    Hooray for the book!

  267. I would love to come to one of your book tour stops but none are near me (Cincinnati). Can’t wait to read the book, one way or another. Congratulations!

  268. I am sure at some point you will be in Chicago and hopefully, Jen Lancaster can come as well (although I know she also has a book tour coming up). That way I could get to see both of you, my favorite authoresses! Due to my own anxiety issues, including screaming “We’re all gonna die!” anytime I need to go into the city, I would not normally do this, but for you Jenny – anything. You have been an inspiration for many of us, and an advocate for those of us w/ mental illness. I can’t thank you enough and I am sure your zillions of fans agree with me! Good luck on your tour. I’ll bring some extra Xanax, just in case.

  269. Awesome!!! I preordered it last week and I can’t WAIT to read it! I wish it was out now!!!

  270. Honestly, you go anywhere in Washington State and I will cross the border to see you!

  271. So I do love the cat butt addition to the photograph. I initially thoought it was a feather quill and then I realized it was cat butt…which immediately led to a spectacular mental image of you somehow writing your novel with a cat butt quill…and the rest of the cat was definitely still attached to the butt quill…

    Anyway, congrats on the book! I can’t wait to get my hot little hands on it (literally my hands are warm pudgy little baby hands…)


  272. Congratulations-I can’t imagine working on something for a decade! Please, pretty please, come to Denver? It’s beautiful here :). And I’m pretty confident I could deliver some taxidermied roadkill to your signing.

  273. Two Words: Totally. Awesome! All this AND you got to hang out with the Wheatons, too? You are having a GREAT month! 🙂

  274. Ooooh! I will totally take off work to come see you in Austin. And I also want to win, because I want the Audiobook, which I may order anyway so I can have it on my Nook. Because I think hearing you read the story will add just that much more to it. And I have pre-ordered my copy and a bookplate and I still wanna win because YOU. ARE. OSSIM.

  275. I love you and your crazy. Please move to Iowa and replace my product of inbreeding neighbors. There isn’t much to do, but there is plenty of corn to throw at people.

  276. I finally finished reading your entire blog. It’s taken me just over a month on my lunch breaks (and sometimes not on the lunch breaks haha) to read the entire thing. Everyday I’ve been filled with laughter, tears and so many emotions from your blog. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being YOU!
    Wish you were coming to Washington DC for a book signing. Guess I’ll have to catch the bus to NYC.

  277. YAY!! Super-duper exciting! Can’t wait to read your book! You are so talented and funny. Hope you have fun on tour too! :o)

  278. You are awfully endearing with your ongoing Squeeeee in anticipation for this event. I am glad to be a witness to it all. Cheers! -Jennifer

  279. You aren’t coming to FLORIDA???? WHYYYYYYYY NOTTTTTTTT? Ugh. I’m crushed. I still pre-ordered your book though. Please come. I’m begging…

  280. Dont know if you are more excited about it coming out, or all your fans… i think collectively, we are more excited simply because millions of excited persons have to have a *little* bit more excitement then 1 very excited Bloggess!! Looking forward to it!! Thanks for being my little laugh along the way, you are inspiring!

  281. I would LOVE to win a autographed copy of your book! I didn’t preorder in time to get the bookplate because, well because I’m an idiot sometimes. Looks like my chances are really good, huh, 1/2337 right now. Doh.

  282. Please come to Minneapolis and do a book signing at my house. We can make it a fundraiser for a good charity. Booze slushies. Nachos. No Nathan Fillion. You can even borrow my kayak and just go paddle out to the middle of the lake if you’d like.

  283. Congrats! I can’t wait to read your book! Have you ever thought about visiting South Africa? If you do decide to go to New Zealand or Germany or Australia, you’ll definitely have to come here too!

  284. I am saying many little prayers that you will be able to schedule a time to come to Portland (Oregon, that is- Maine is much to far away). I absolutely adore this blog, you, your animals and soon to be, your book. YAY!! congrats on all the hard work and please please please talk to someone about coming to PORTLAND!!!
    I will bring the wine slushies. (and Harold, my stuffed pheasant)

  285. Ummm…I think you forgot Nashville. I’ll forgive you, but only if you come to receive the forgiveness in person. In Nashville.

  286. HOLY crap I’m never gonna win this because look at all these comments. But anyway congrats!

  287. Congratulations!! I am so looking forward to reading your book.
    I want to say thank you…your writing has put a smile on my face when nothing else could.

    Ps. come to Canada. And since its so big, I’ll make it easier for you…..come to Toronto ;P
    I swear we is good people

  288. SOOO EXCITING!!! Wish you were coming to Virginia or DC even … sadly I cannot make to any other states 🙁 Oh well … cant wait to get my hands on a copy of the book. Extremely happy for you my dear. Awesome day indeed.

  289. I see that Anchorage, Alaska, is not one of the cities on your tour list. Got something against long plane rides?

  290. GOOD LORD I had to scroll for hours to post this!!! But many many many many many congratulations to you, your cat butt, and your book!!!

  291. With this many comments I know I don’t have a chance. But I’m going to suggest Columbus, Ohio. Who wouldn’t want to visit there…

  292. I hope I win, but I will probably buy your book even if I don’t. Also, depending on what time your appearance is in Los Angeles, I will definitely try to be there so that I can go all fan-girl on your ass. Be prepared for some majoring SQUEE-ing!


    Though I already pre-ordered the e-book version. I want all the versions. If you carved this on stone tablets, I would still want it.

    Also, totally coming to the New York reading! Non-confrontationally! With you! Not at you!

  294. Congrats on the book! Also, why are we skipping Denver? Now I’ll never be able to give you a neck hug!!!

  295. Congratulations! Also, so excited that you’ll be returning to Los Angeles for a book signing.

  296. Yea!!! Can’t wait! (Also…what? No love for the middle of the country? *pouts*)

  297. So very happy for you. I know your family is proud. I would love to go to a signing however, making $330 a month there is not much room for extras. I will be waiting until your book is out in paperback before I can buy it. Good Luck and have Fun!

  298. Bloggess your ROCK! I’m so happy that the book is coming out and can’t wait to read it. Your blog always inspires me and makes me feel that I’m not alone with my many struggles. Thanks for being you 🙂 KC

  299. AHAAAHHHHH Me WANT! I already have a copy on pre-order, but I can give that to some random person if I had a shiny SIGNED copy.

  300. I’ve been looking forward to your book release for months. If this giveaway is international I’d love to be entered.

  301. this is one of my favorite blogs and I can’t wait to read your book!! Looking forward to details for when you are in Dallas!!

  302. I wanna read it! I am sad you aren’t coming anywhere near me, but that’s okay. I understand. Really. *sniff*

  303. plane and simple……You are just fucking awesome. Much more than a ball of twine, even more than any metal animal, just fucking awesome.

  304. What, you’re not coming to Alaska? Trust me, people here would LOVE you. There’s nothing like 8 months of winter to make a person’s humor skew a little off center. And since the cat butt is evidently not being given away, will you please consider me for the books instead?

  305. Eh, the stocks on cat butt aren’t looking great anyways. You should really be trading out. Regardless, I would love your book. I am poor.

  306. Will accept signed book OR cat OR kick ass tablecloth(?) included in photo. If all are signed of course.

    (Shave cat, use sharpie?)(or tattoo?)

  307. Congratulations! They’re so shiny and pretty and I just want to get mine and hide in my bathroom all night while I read it! Can’t wait for next month!

  308. Can you please come to Atlanta?!?! Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!!!!! I really want your book, but that pesky little thing called “being broke” got in my way. Stupid money! If I could win it, that would be perfect. And, thanks for the recent excerpt from your book (except for the part of it making me want the book even more!)

  309. I am so excited for you!!!! I should have known better than to read the excerpt during lunch at work yesterday. My co-workers think I’ve slipped off the deep-end. My attempts to stifle my laughter were mostly unsuccessful.

  310. Please, please, please come to Canada (Manitoba specifically)!!!! We are very friendly here (and polite)!!!

    P.S. I’m sure we can find some kind of taxidermied awesomeness for you to take home!!!

  311. I mean YOU are pretty much the most bad-ass person I know. Not to mention, your posts are so much out of the ordinary and tremendously ridiculously awesome. Sorry if I can’t spell. Congratulations on this awesome achievement and safe travels on your book tour. Oh, did I tell how much I FREAKED out when you followed me back on Twitter (@ArtisticMind)!? I couldn’t handle myself. You are amazing. Truly! 🙂 Oh! And if you ever need illustrations….please don’t hesitate to hook a lady up! 😉 Hanks!!! (Thanks)

  312. You know, South Carolina would be a GREAT place to visit…we are supposed to have ‘smiling faces and great places’. In actuality, I can offer you moonshine, tea so sweet it’ll make ya slap ya momma, and a kick ass southern accent. 🙂 Seriously, can’t wait to read this book!!

  313. Me! PICK ME! Cause you’re not coming near me but I could probably smell you on the book. Lol

  314. Ahh! Wish you were coming to Cleveland! Please? Pretty please? I’ve got icecream and beer.

  315. I’m excited for your book! After that excerpt yesterday, I know it will be fantastic! And can’t you make a stop for us Midwestern fans? Madison? Milwaukee? I’d even take Chicago! 🙂

  316. Jenny, if there were any way that you could come to Orlando, I would skip work and come straight there to meet you. You know, at your book signing. Not in a creepy, I’ll drive two hours to stand outside your hotel room while you watch reruns of The Daily Show kind of thing. Well, unless you want that of course.

  317. I’m so excited!!! Your book is how I’m celebrating the end of my semester! Have to give myself something to look forward to after exams. :]

    Too bad you weren’t coming to Denver!

  318. If you can’t freak out over something as SUPER-FREAKING-AWESOME as this (this being your book of course), then really the world is pretty much doomed. Sincerely though, congratulations. A lot of people tend to give up on their dreams or ideas as time passes but you didn’t and now you’ve left your very own profanity laden mark on the literary world.

    I can’t wait to read it!

  319. OMG! OMG! OMG! I’ll see you in Austin!! I am supposed to go on my honeymoon but eh, that can wait. 🙂

  320. You had to choose dates I would be out of the country *shakes fist* I’m entirely sure it was intentional… I had a spatula I was going to bring and everything 😀

    Here’s hoping I win a lovely copy of your book as a consolation prize!

  321. Awesome, can’t wait for your book, but, please, pleaaaaase como closer to Southwest Texas (almost New Mexico) I mean a few hours closer, I will drive to you!!!

  322. Yay! You’re coming to LA. That’s the ONLY reason I didn’t buy your book on Amazon. I thought I’d be all PC and support whatever bookstore is having your signing. Did I mention, yay!

  323. SO exciting! I would love to get a free copy of your book (although if I don’t, I’ll just have to buy it myself).

  324. How exciting!!! If your tour comes anywhere close to NC I’ll definitely be there!

    As for the cat butt, I call false advertising.

  325. Congrats!!! Pick me pick me pick me!!! I’ll buy it regardless, butbit would be glorious to win!

  326. CONGRATULATIONS, Jenny!!!!!!!!

    Wish you were coming to Boston so I could invite you to hang out in my bathroom, but the decorating tastes of the former owners would likely give you nightmares about Pepto Bismol for months, so perhaps it’s just as well. Still … would be so wonderful to meet you!!

  327. Love you!!! Can’t wait to read your book. Did I already say that I love you? (in a completely non-lesbian way, not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

    I work in a remote logging camp, and am away from home for weeks at a time, sometimes your blog makes me laugh on days when I only want to curl up in my room and cry.

    Soggy Quatum Girl

  328. Of course, if you are going to tour like Bon Jovi .. remember you have to insist on getting bowls filled with green M&M’s only .. jus’ sayin’

  329. Wish you were coming to the NW on your tour, but you can make it up to me by sending me that autographed copy! 😉

  330. I may have to be your groupie on the Texas phase of your whirlwind tour of America!
    (without the degrading sexual part of it, of course)

  331. Jenny, you are my hero. Plain and simple. Never stop being you and NEVER stop writing about it.

  332. Seriously?! You’re not coming to Sacramento?? We were going to have a parade and everything… Now I’m crushed.

  333. How awesome!! But I’m sad, you’re not coming to Portland or Seattle. What, we’re too rainy and wintery for you? I mean, just because it snowed this morning (the pictures from Salem are stunning, even though us Portlanders only got a dusting). WHATEVER, Jenny.

    But hey, if you do come to Portland, July or August is a great time. The sun may actually come out and we may even have temperatures above 50 for once, is that too much to ask Mother Nature? Is it?

    But seriously, crappy weather aside– It’s really awesome that you followed your dream or whatever they say these days, and accomplished this whole book thing. I always find it inspiring when people do what they set out to do, especially big huge projects like this one. And also, major kudos for bringing depression out of the closet, kicking and screaming, it helps to not feel alone.