UPDATED: Everyone says “fuck off”

in Random Crap

Three quick things.  First off, I’ve decided to hold off on picking the final names for the dead Titanic-esque mice until they arrive and I can get to know their personalities better, but the randomly selected winner of an autographed copy of my book is Christine.  (Check your email, Christine.)

Secondly, I am very picky about putting ads on my blog which is why I can’t afford a swimming pool.  It’s also why I have a special note on my advertising page telling people that pretty much I don’t review anything except taxidermied animals in people clothes.  That’s why I thought it was so brilliant when I got an email from Blogologues (a live theater event that uses awesome blog post as scripts) telling me that they were sending me info about their latest play (which opens this Friday) STUFFED IN THE ARMS OF AN ANTIQUE ALLIGATOR WEARING A BASEBALL UNIFORM.  I immediately promised them a free link simply based on their awesomeness.  Even more fantastically, the alligator should have arrived yesterday but is MIA, which I can only imagine means that it has been mistakenly delivered to the house of some unsuspecting person who just opened a dead alligator dressed for a ball game.  Which is actually almost better than me getting it myself.  Victor agrees.  Mostly because we’re running out of shelf room for taxidermied alligators in people clothes.  Because we need more shelves.

I do, however, have a picture of the errant crocodile who is no doubt freaking the hell out of someone in Texas:

I don't know how all of these awesome alligators ended up in one shop but I'm assuming there was some sort of burglary at THE MOST BAD-ASS HOUSE IN THE WORLD. Victor says someone was probably involuntarily committed. We've agreed to disagree.

Thirdly, a few months ago I made a short children’s poem to explain to kids how to curse properly.  It’s called “Everyone Says Fuck Off” and it’s a lot like “Everybody Poops” but with less poop and more profanity.  My brilliant friend Lori Henriques heard it and decided it needed to be set to music and so (with the help of Peter Suk) she pounded this one out.

So without further ado, Everyone Says Fuck Off:

Everyone Says Fuck Off  (Plug in your headphones and click the link.)

UPDATED:  Guess what my baffled neighbor just brought me?  Victor says this is exactly why we never get invited to neighborhood barbecues.  I say that I wouldn’t want to share hot dogs with someone who opens packages addressed to me.  In her defense though, she was properly punished for her federally-illegal curiosity.

I love you, Blogologues.

251 thoughts on “UPDATED: Everyone says “fuck off””

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Blogologues is awesome! I”m totally attending once I’m out of undergrad

  3. I live in Texas and truly hope it was delivered to me by mistake…I can’t wait to get home and check my mail. *fingers crossed I get a taxidermied alligator in the mail*
    *both fingers crossed my daughter opens it first and I get the freak out text*
    Giggling inappropriately at work just thinking about it, thanks!

  5. I would pay big to see the look on the face of the person who accidentally receives the alligator!! I don’t live in Texas so it won’t be me. You gotta plug awesome people who do awesome things for you. And the poem is fucking awesome!! I’d love to see it on A Poem is… on Disney channel. Talk about educational!!! 😀

  8. oh god I could totally use an alligator in the mail — maybe it’d scare the dogs back into line.

    Okay, probably not.

  9. Now, if you got the fancified crocogators to line dance to the musical version of the poem, that would be cool.

  12. I think that rendition of “Everyone Says Fuck Off” is begging for it’s own Disney style animated video. It’s like Mary Poppins and all of the Disney Princess’s rolled into one “only with more profanity”. Super color saturation animation and one of those bouncing balls over the lyrics. OH MY GOD! You should make it into an illustrated book with a CD too! Brilliant!

  14. Well…..we refined ladies of the South throw the “F” bomb in a different way:

    Two southern ladies sitting and fanning on their Charleston porch.
    First lady: (imagine southern drawl…) Oh my husband is soooo good to me, see this diamond ring, well he had it mined in Africa and had the most exquisite setting designed for me.

    Second lady: “That’s nice”

    First lady: And see this magnificent Mercedes Benz? My husband went to Germany, had it especially designed for me, and shipped it home. He gave me a driver that takes me anywhere I want to go in it!

    Second lady: “That’s nice”

    First lady: And see this home? Every piece was hand picked with only the best, exotic materials used. I have fine Italian marble, gold faucets, and even a custom made closet just for me…..

    Second lady: “That’s nice”

    First lady: Well honey (to second lady)…..What EVER has your husband done for you?

    Second lady: Well dear, he sent me to the most exclusive charm school in Charleston, and there, they taught us that instead of saying “FUCK OFF”……we say…….”That’s nice”……………….

    🙂

  15. Should the alligator ever arrive, will he be collaborating with the musical mice? I think he should to keep their sound fresh.

  18. Wow, a play from blog posts. Talk about never-ending material!! Ha.
    The song is awesome. Sadly those in my family are very adverse to “fuck” and I have to bite my tongue. This song, and “Go the Fuck to Sleep” are my favorite things now.

  20. If I am lucky enough to be the Texan who receives your alligator, I have no intention of returning it. Instead, I’ll display it in my office and gesture menacingly at it when people have stupid payroll questions. I just wanted to be upfront about his fate, if he arrives here.

  21. I’d like to say that I am the kind of person that would forward on this alligator if it was mistakingly delivered to my Texas doorstep, but sadly, I am not that person. I would keep him, name him Usher (because he looks like he has sick dance moves) and then put him in my classroom to frighten my students (except they would love him, because really, who wouldn’t?)

  23. Well I’m in Austin, Texas but have never seen a gator so cool as the one on the surfboard. Maybe I just need to get on outta here and down on 6th street for a look around. I’m sure one will cross my path soon enough.

  24. Look how dapper they are! In fact, they are about to tell those rock n roll hooligans of the era of happiness and valium addiction to “fuck off!”

  25. Im sorry, is that gator in a matador costume? And we aren’t discussing it? thats one fancy alligator.

  27. Brilliant! Will definitely be checking those guys out based on their pure alligator awesomeness. 🙂

  29. I will play this to my phantom-yet to be concived children every night until they turn 40, when I’ll tell them to go fuck themselves

  30. checking my mailbox every five minutes until l find out if I’m the winner of the Mistakenly Delivered But Full of Awesome Baseball Playing Alligator…..

  31. I loved the original poem and I adore the musical version. If only this could be used at storytimes like Everybody Poops is. Then again, that librarian would be fired very quickly.

  32. Holy fuck… on all of it. Alligators wearing baseball clothes and arriving at the houses of unsuspecting Texans may even be better than Penguin Cam… which so far has no tap dancing whatsoever. Bummer.

  34. If the alligator comes to me in Austin, I’ll make sure my cat rubs himself all over it before I forward it on to you. Just to freak out Ferris Mewler.

  35. just as I thought my day could not get better, I have the chance to read about stuffed alligator lost in the mail and now I also have a new ringtones for my cellphone. life is good.thank you Jenny. Elisa

  36. Ok, am I the only one that noticed the plate behind your gator with the naked woman MISSING HER NIPPLES. For some reason, this just seems tragic yet hystercial to me.

    Carry on . . .

  37. I loved the song! I’m going to play it for all my friends! It’s just begging for a bouncing ball singalong YouTube video too. 🙂

  39. I forgot to add that I want to know what the thing in the back with the boobs sticking out is. It disturbs me because she looks like she lost her nipples. No one wants lost nipples.

    I think one of my greatest recommendations for this blog is: “If anyone could make me want a dead preserved animal in an unnatural pose dressed in doll clothing in my foyer, it would be Jenny Lawson.” Let me know when you find a large bear snarling so that I can put it on wheels and keep it next to the door. Every time someone comes around to try to solicit donations or tell me to come to their church, I can wheel it in front of the door before I open it. I want it to be a visit THEY NEVER FORGET.

  40. It’s obvious you’re wasting your time as a blogger/author and should, instead, become a composer of amazing songs. lol

  41. Well, with news like this, I suspect you will soon be inundated with dead alligators (much to Victor’s chagrine I’m sure)! Yay you!

  43. I love YOUR love of taxidermied alligators, but I’d promptly set that box on fire if it was accidentally delivered to me.

  45. Well, my aunt doesn’t say “fuck off”, but that’s because she thinks that little baby Jesus will spank her of something like that. The nice thing about having such puritanical aunt is the look on her face when you tell her to fuck off. Other words that make veins pop out are: piss, shit, cocksucker, pussy, and of course, twat. I don’t throw the “C” word around when she’s there though, I’m not a fucking barbarian, yo.

  46. My grandfather lives in Texas & is not quite “there” anymore. I bet he’d think it was pretty damn awesome to receive an alligator in the mail.

  47. Everyone says Fuck Off should be written as a musical for Broadway. Tony Awards would abound. This former school board member says Fuck Off. Mayhaps the reason why after 6 years I no longer sit on the board 😉

  48. I totally need the Everyonesaysfuckoff song as a ring tone! I would find that a total score! As for the alligator. Praying it goes to my not so awesome neighbor because that would provide me with great entertainment!

  49. only in texas could you be scared shitless by opening a baseball uniform clad gator meant for the bloggess. i live here and i am kinda hoping that gator’s in my mailbox.

  50. Clearly the mail carrier saw this package and took it home for himself. Or some elderly lady mistakenly got this package and succumbed to shock, unable to write “return to sender”. I hope it’s the first one.

  52. Lori’s music was already tremendous, i think this one will make the charts (dont know what charts, but it surely will be charted)

  53. Um, I don’t want to stomp on your buzz, but that is a lot of taxidermied animals recently, isn’t it? Should we be worried about a Hoarders: The Bloggess episode?

  55. I have made this song into my new ringtone for family members. <3

    Thanks Jenny and her awesome friends! Without you, my arguments with Siri would be much less entertaining!

  57. So I’m thinking there needs to be a music video to go along with this staring the mice-icians once you get them.

  65. Where does one find a taxidermied gator? I’m pretty sure my gator collection could just another addition… I am going to New Orleans in June… is that a good place to start?

  68. I’m impressed that they spent $50 on the aligator in order to get you to notice them…

    Also, one of these days I’m going to make a really cool pair of earrings out pf bones and send them to you, possibly without much warning.

  70. If that alligator arrived at my house – my dogs would eat it in about 5 seconds flat. Who can resist the smell of alligator jerky and varnish?

  71. The song is exponentially funnier if you open it in another tab, then scroll down your main blog page to the photo of the mice and look at that while its playing, ’cause then they’re tiny, profane little mammals and its AWESOME.

  74. “it has been mistakenly delivered to the house of some unsuspecting person who just opened a dead alligator dressed for a ball game” – oh my word.

  76. How sad is it that I’ve now taken to scouring the internet for amazing taxidermied critters? You’ve aroused an interest that I didn’t even know was possible to have. My poor neglected children…

  77. First, that is brilliant that you are SO specific with what you will or will not advertise. It makes you great.

    Second, I love that you see the humor in your package missing you. That would just be annoying to me.

    And finally, I want the surfer-gator! It would be a perfect good-bye present for my surfer-dude boss!

  78. Awesome poem. But just realized that YouTube overrides the silent function on my iPad. Or that button is broken. Either way, the poem had a brief priemer in a local coffee shop, complimented by the classical background music. I think the little old lady at the table next to me just about spit out her coffee. The glares I got while trying to turn off the sound were totally worth it.
    On a different note, I am now going shopping for earphones.

  79. This is so awesome! I don’t know what’s best – the taxidermied alligator or the song. No, I do. The song is best. The voice, the music, the melody – it all fits so perfectly with each other and the text. LOVE it. Will it be possible to buy the mp3 somewhere? I could probably rip it from the site, but I’d much rather pay. 🙂

  82. Jacques Brel is alive and well and living inside Lori Henriques in Portland, Oregon!

  83. Everybody Says Fuck Off, or as I like to call it – My Dad Says Fuck Off. Alot. When the Grandkids Are Around. And Doesn’t See Anything Wrong with That.

  84. Love the Gators, love the ringtone. You just made me smile, which after doing my taxes today, sort of makes up for not getting an alligator of any description in my mail slot.

  86. Headphones, schmeadphones, everyone says fuck off! That song was awesomesauce! Of course geniuses like the Bloggess have genius friends 🙂 Thanks for a song to hum at work!

  87. OMG. Now you have your own song? This is the beginning of something very awesome. I can’t wait for “The Bloggess: The Musical.” It could include an entire cast of people dressed up as taxidermied animals, singing a medley of your greatest hits.

    Please make this so. I would bring all my friends so we could throw popcorn at the stage and sing along.

  90. Best.song.ever! Needs to be released as an illustrated book with an accompanying audio file of this awesome song! You’ll sell a bazillion copies!!!

  91. If it lands in my mailbox in Houston, will you autograph it at the book signing?

  93. Brilliant rendition of your poem! Sounded very Sondheim-esque. Congrats to you, Lori, & Peter!

  95. That is quite possibly THE most brilliant piece of poetry I’ve ever read/heard. You have a gift. A terrifyingly beautiful gift.

  96. I dunno… The stitching on that surfing gator’s belly is kinda skeeving me out. But I am super-glad he’s NOT wearing Speedos (Visible stuffed-gator nutsacks? Like “Ew!”).

    Love the song BTW – I’ve been wanting a new ringtone!

    Scanning thru the comments: I once worked with a Claudia who did payroll. And she seemed nutty enough to be a Bloggess fan. Is it “Cloudia” by any chance??? (private joke – but if it’s her, she’ll recognize it!). OTOH I don’t think she was a Texan – hmmm…

  97. I so love the conversations you and Victor have. Thank you for my laugh today!

  98. Clearly, “Plug in your headphones and click the link” is code for, “open all the windows, plug in your speakers and TURN THE VOLUME ALL THE WAY UP so all your neighbors, passersby, and the entire population of the middle school behind your house can hear this wonderfully inspiring bit of parental wisdom” — and I *always* follow directions from The Bloggess.

    (Bail money, anyone?)

  99. How do you know the alligator is an antique?

    Is it because of the early period baseball uniform? Because I have to tell you that throwback uniforms are big these days in sports and you could have just gotten yourself a much younger-than-you-think-baseball-outfitted-alligator.

    Moral of the story: ALWAYS CHECK THE TAGS ON YOUR BASEBALL ALLIGATORS.

  100. I’m dubbing him Shoeless Joe Jacksonville Gator.

    If we weren’t already exceeding capacity at my house with me, my dog and the squatter/poltergeist who lives in my attic, I’d hunt him down and claim him for my very own. Shoeless Joe Jacksonville Gator obviously likes to throw; Winston likes to chase and retreive. It’s a win/win for everyone.

  101. Oh Jenny, your neighbors must love you. Unless you keep the taxidermy animals INDOORS and then your husband must love you.

    But who cares about them? WE love you!

  102. the poet was awesome as it is…but The Song is even better ( I doubted it was possible I have to admit that….)
    I will now force everyone I know to listen to that brilliant piece of whateverthefuckthatis!

  103. Holy cow that is awesome! That song AND the alligators. Now I feel the need to make a stop mo video with that song. Too bad I don’t have any stuffed alligators. that would be kick ass.

  104. I’m hoping this poem is the first of a series of poems!”Fuck off” is not the only profanity phrase we need to teach our children how to properly use.

    Baseball alligator is money…I need one to take to my son’s baseball games. A bleacher buddy! My son wouldn’t be embarrassed at all.

    Keep it coming, Jenny. Your posts always make my day!

  105. that reminds me, I need to have my children listen to that. they curse horribly. the other day, one of them said “Holy Ship!” and I looked up, confused expecting some glowing holy boat over my head.

  106. Well that’s what she gets for opening up someone else’s mail! I guess you’re just lucky she isn’t in love with taxidermied animals the way you are… She may not have returned them! And then of course you two would never be friends because she certainly wouldn’t be able to invite you over and have you see them. Imagine the war that could cause. I mean, you’d have Beyonce and Copernicus on your side (so you’d probably win) but what if your neighbor secretly had a horde of taxidermied animals as well? CHAOS.

    BEAUTIFUL CHAOS.

  107. And that’s what you get for opening other people’s packages.

    At least you taught her a good lesson about READING WHAT IT SAYS ON THE BOX.

  108. Neighbor to other neighbors: “You can’t even begin to imagine the weird things going on in that house! And I had proof for a little while. I took pictures! She has dead animals, and she dresses them up like baseball players!!!!!”

  110. I would have brought them by, and asked to see the rest of your collection, if I were your neighbor. Of course I’ve told my husband many times that I’d like to live next door to you… He thinks I’m crazy, I think he’s missing the awesome.

  111. This just made my day. I think your federally-punishable neighbor needs a visit from Beyonce.

  115. It always amazes me that people will open packages that don’t have their names on them. Only, my packages didn’t have an alligator dressed like a baseball player waiting to frighten them. So no lesson was learned.

  116. I cannot say how much I love this. And you. And your neighbourhood felon. Feel free to send her a card featuring your taxidermied collection and sign it “With love, all the dead shit that lives next door.” (And that’s the best possible thing, by the way. I have a taxidermied alligator head and his name is Jørg St. Wiffleton.)

  121. Do you think Lori will win another Parents Choice Gold Award for what she did? I think she will.

  124. Oh god. I fucking love you. I know that’s really the only thing I ever post, but that’s what wells up inside me every time I read a post like this. You make me realize that taxidermied animals in clothes are the greatest thing ever. How did I never see this before????

  126. ROFL I just need to take a moment to tell you how much I love you (no I’m not drunk) and thank you for your endlessly amusing obsession w/ anthropomorphized stuffed animals.

  127. LOVE the gators!! Is that…a matador gator?? A matagator? Hell if I know, but as one of the few (kinda) sane people living in Florida, we see those type of gators at damned near EVERY exit up and down the highway!!! Looks like I could make a killing selling them online to your multitudes of fellow fans! LOL! Love the poem, especially since I am renowned at having so many ways to say “fuck off” in my circle of friends…that, of course, means I just HAD to post the link on my FB page…

    Keep kicking ass Jenny!! Can’t wait for my book!

  128. I am wicked nosy. I’d have broken the law because it had your name and address, ergo it had to be fantastic. If you had opened the package on my doorstep today, Victor could give a semen analysis for IVF. Equally fantastic.

  131. I know you didn’t actually ask… but that gator’s name has to be Catfish Hunter. Just sayin’.

  132. Blogologues lured me in with an offer of an uncooked chicken and some paper clips to be a part of their show.

    Of course I jumped at the chance…

  133. I’m torn between the fact that I think it’s total fucking bullshit that if I swear on my blog I’m probably going to lose readership, and the fact that my partner says “fuck” literally every other word and it’s just too much.

    I love your poem 😉

  134. OMG, the song–awesome! Do you know Gilda Radner’s “Let’s Talk Dirty to the Animals.” One of my all-time favorites. Here is a link:

  135. Ah, I love nothing more than a story with a happy ending. The mailing of the alligators worked out brilliantly for you *and* the Internets.

  136. I’m glad to see that Clarence and Jeffery finally arrived. It was very rude of them not to inform you of the recon they were doing on the neighbors.

  139. YAY! Blogologues is awesome. I hear that Alone with Cats blog and the Humans are Funny blog are SO WORTH the trip to NY to see them on stage.

  140. Please tell me it was your elderly lady neighbor who opened the alligator. You know, the one that thinks you are a porn star or pole dancer or something?

    By the way I finally scraped together enough change to pre-order your book recently. I can’t wait for it to get here! I don’t suppose you’ll be signing any more bookplates for us procrastinators? Would it make any difference if I told you today is my birthday?

  141. Okay, here’s what we’ll do…we’ll take the taxidermied alligator and run around the neighborhood, putting them at your neighbors’ front doors, ringing the bell and videotaping the ensuing hilarity. It’ll be better than Victor meeting Beyonce. For reals.

  142. Seriously? But that matador stuffed alligator is the BOMB. He kicks baseball alligators A**. I need you senior alligator….

  143. Your obsession for taxidermied animals makes my day. As does the overall tone of this whole blog. Hilarious

  144. When I was in Florida a couple of weekends ago, I was in a shop with a huge shelf full of taxidermied alligator heads and I imagined them all in all sorts of hats and then I thought of you.

  145. OMG………. Most AMAZING SONG EVER… EVER. I want to download it and listen to it all the timeat work. How can I do that?? Its even better than the “Song to Help You Keep Your Job”

    Fuck Off. Love you and Fuck Off.

  146. Jesus.
    I think you should turn your house into a museum once a month, so everyone can bask in the glory of these magnificent finds. Wine slushies a must.
    I miss James Garfield. I think he’s my kindred spirit.

  149. Great. Now I want a dead alligator dressed as a baseball player. And more shelves. Thanks, Bloggess. 😉

  150. That song was the most brilliant thing EVER!! Must make it available on iTunes!! The cover would be a collage of taxidermied critters.

  151. I was hoping ‘Everybody Says Fuck Off’ was going to be a parody of REM’s ‘Everybody Hurts’ – that would’ve been a tall frosty 16 oz mug of AWESOME with a shot of hilarious for a chaser.

  152. C’mon! The others are great and all. But Mariachi Alligator?!?! want want want…

  153. Some of y’all need to quit contributing to Jenny’s addiction. I’m looking at YOU Jessica Abraham. I know, I know, fuck off. EVERYBODY SAYS THAT!

  155. I have to say I am a little jealous of the taxidermied alligators! I know that the best halloween costume EVER for you would be to have you as a taxidermied animal. I think a mouse might be the most appropriate, but maybe, just maybe, an alligator would be okay too. Juanita is so unique though.

    God I can’t decide! Maybe that is what you need for your unbirthday! A Bloggess costume as Hamlet Von Schnitzel! I can see it now and it is AMAZING!!!!

  156. 2 things:
    1. I totally followed your directions like a good student – plug in headphones and click the link: CHECK! and let me just say…. AWESOMESAUCE!
    2. I am not mature enough for you to say she “pounded this one out” without snickering aloud in the office.
    3. (okay, three things) I love your work. It makes my work better. Thank you Bloggess!

  157. 1) Alligators = excellent.
    2) If I was your neighbour, I’d be stealing your mail every day in hopes of dead animal surprises.
    2) The inclusiveness of “Everyone Says Fuck Off” is great. Grandma even gets hers. It reminds me a bit of the picture book, “Go the Fuck to Sleep.”

  158. You are obviously living in the wrong neighborhood. If you were my neighbor you’d be invited everywhere. Trust me.

  160. This is the best. fucking. post. ever.!!!!! I cannot get the tune out of my head – yippee!

  161. He’s our new pitcher for the Rangers – we can call him [insert obvious pun here] Yu!

  165. OMG. That needs to be a ring tone! I would happily donate a dollar or two to the charity of your choice to have my phone announce, “Everyone says fuck off!”

  172. If Id known as a young’un that someday there would be a blog by a gal who gathers taxidermied, sartorially conscious critters, I would not have let my mom throw away the ancient alligator in a top hat that stood on my grandparents’ coffee table, nor would I have tossed the creepy dead baby alligator wearing an orange ball gown and a crown that my uncle gave me. Because I would’ve known that someone, somewhere would’ve given them all the luv that their executioners did not.

  173. I used to get creeped out by taxidermy. And kind of up in arms about how wrong it was … until I started buying and sending dead animals to you.

    You are possibly the worst influence ever. And I love you for it.

  174. I wonder if your neighbor squealed and then died a little on the inside when she opened that package?

    The song is brilliant. Fer reals. I just want you to know that I will never say “Fuck off” again without hearing ? ? ? ?everyone says fuck off! ? ? ? ? in my head. It will harmonize nicely with the rest of the other voices there….

    Congrats on your alligators. I’m sure that they will be very happy at your house.

  176. I want a like-button for Expat-Mom’s comment!

    For those who doesn’t want to search all the comments, she wrote this: “If you build more shelves… they will come.”

    😀

  178. Is it just me or does the alligator on the left need a guitar? I’m talking about the one in the yellow suit!

  179. How can someone NOT notice that the package isn’t addressed to them? That heart attack your neighbor had as a result should teach her to check the address next time! LOL (Of course, I also heap blame on your mail carrier for not delivering the box to the right address in the first place.)

  180. i seriously hope that you told the neighbor who OPENED YOUR MAIL to fuck off.

  181. The Gators are totally smiling and yucking it up…in an evil sort of way. I want to touch their eyeballs. What are they made of? Marbles? Synthetic alligator eye? Oh crap…another missed fantastic invention/opportunity…synthetic alligator eyes.

  183. Considering that the most exciting things I get in the mail are usually offers for free samples of Enzyte, I’d probably open your stuff too if I was your neighbor.

  185. Those are awesome! I beat you in the bad neighbor contest though. I moved here 3 months ago & the second night this 60 year old guy rings my bell. I think oh he has a beard like Santa. How cute! Then I open the door all excited thinking someone has come to welcome me to the neighborhood like Marcia Cross’ character does on desperate housewives. Well, instead of muffins, he brought with him a whole lot of sass! As I stood there with a big smile plastered on my face, he proceeds to viciously scream at me for several minutes. He said my garbage blew across the street & his wife cleaned it up. He didn’t even introduce himself. He just went on with his fat arms gyrating spastically. I thought he might fly away but no such luck. I just stood like a deer in the heads light, my brain unable to compute what was happening. I muttered an “I’m sorry” & he stomped back across the street. I still don’t know his name but I heard he once squirted another neighbor’s dog in he face with the hose. Clearly he’s some kind of psychopath serial killer. I’m so mad I didn’t t tell him to suck it! During moments of reverie, I think about about ringing his bell, leaving a sack full of assholes, or something equally as rank & running In due time…

  186. Sometimes, neighbor is just so nosy and we can’t really help it but to tell them personally not be one…It is just crazy…

  187. I would like to know WHY these guys are not wearing alligator shoes? Clearly an oversight and it really should be corrected, (although the baseball guy needs alligator sneakers so as not to injure himself while playing).

  188. Where do you find these? Doubtless my wife won’t go fo collecting these, but the only taxidermy around is possums or raccoons whose last thought was “OMG A CAR!”

    Great find and blogologues looks fun!

    WG

  189. OK, By far in my book… Alligator Tie is the most awesome!!
    Now can the kids go to bed since I really want to hear this song.

  190. This is hilarious. By the way, I am recieving my kindle in the mail on saturday but i’m waiting so yours can be the first book I buy with it 🙂 Just cause.

    I’m not-so-slowly working my way through your entire blog. In a way, it’s what’s keeping me going. Thanks for being amazing!

  192. I was so enamored with this that I wanted to show it to my friend, and this conversation ensued on AIM:

    Me: Do you read the Bloggess? Cuz you should.
    My friend: every now and then
    My friend: I am not a big blog reader. i am actually not good at anything sequential unless it is in my face
    Me: “Secondly, I am very picky about putting ads on my blog which is why I can’t afford a swimming pool. It’s also why I have a special note on my advertising page telling people that pretty much I don’t review anything except taxidermied animals in people clothes. That’s why I thought it was so brilliant when I got an email from Blogologues (a live theater event that uses awesome blog post as scripts) telling me that they were sending me info about their latest play (which opens this Friday) STUFFED IN THE ARMS OF AN ANTIQUE ALLIGATOR WEARING A BASEBALL UNIFORM. I immediately promised them a free link simply based on their awesomeness.”
    My friend: XD
    My friend: she was the one who bought the wolf mask right?
    Me: Mask? It was an entire wolf skin that she would wear over her head.
    My friend: yeah that thing almost made me pee myself at NDK
    My friend: the girl who made it was all tucked into a corner under it
    My friend: and I thought it was a service animal
    My friend: till she stood up right next to me
    Me: BWA HA HA HA HA

    I thought you might enjoy it!

  193. I was hoping you’d get the matador gator b/c that’s really more realistic. Why would a gator be playing baseball? But, taunting a bull? Oh yeah, I can see that. The gator would be all “I’m messing with you bull and I ain’t afraid of your horns. I got teeth, bitch.”

  195. A warning to your neighbors (and to all neighbors who open other people’s emails): next time it will be a live one.

  197. So for next promotion at work….

    Celebration Mice.

    and Celebration Baseball loving Alligators.

    gotcha

  198. I got home from work on Sunday, and found a toy alligator in my front yard. And my first thought was of you! He’s still there, only someone has now moved him into my bushes. I haven’t decided if that amuses or scares me quite yet.

    But now I want to dress him up. I’ve named him Sparky.

  199. Well that Fuck Off song was just precious! I am going to send it to my niece. I’m SURE she says it in her “Fusion” club with her friends, formerly know as Methodist Youth Foundation. Now if we can get them smuggle in frozen wine slushies…..

  201. I wish I was your neighbor. It seems like when you bring somebody their accidentally-federally-snoop-opened-baseball-player-alligator (with a play), you should bring them cookies or cupcakes or something too. Just sayin’

  203. I like the baseball gator, but the matador is F-I-N-E. He needs a name, like, Juan Carlos dos Elba San Sebastian. Blogologue is a totally excellent advertiser. Only problem, their website doesn’t say where they are located. Apparently you just need to know that the Hudson Theatre is in – Austin?? (Since they mention SXSW, that seems a logical guess). Have fun with your new family members. Hope Hailey isn’t too jealous.

  206. “I can get to know their personalities better…”

    This is why I love you.

  208. You make me want to buy an taxidermied alligator and send it to a random person just for the images it conjures up

  209. Wow your friend has an amazing voice, hope this song is available for download at some point “hinty hint hint hint”, great blogpost as usual!

  210. Oh. My. Word. Those gators are truly the coolest thing. It must be so much fun at your house right now! I’m trying not to be jealous, it’s hard. Really want the surfer. Time to make friends with my local taxidermist methinks. And there’s something I never thought I’d hear myself say.

  211. So. . . when are the auditions for this play based on alligators dressed in ballplayers’ clothes?? I want in.

  212. You need the alligator on the surfboard. NEED IT. You could sit it in a guest bathroom that you’ve decorated to look like a Tiki Bar. Imagine: Pretty ocean blue walls. The Brady Bunch Tiki head painted somewhere… Juanita dressed up in a coconut bra and hula skirt dancing for her surfer alligator boyfriend on a shelf across from the toilet… with your book strategically placed close by so people have something to read while they ponder the awsomeness that is your Hawaiian taxidermy decorated bathroom.

  213. Oh my sweet zombie dog, that song is MAGNIFICENT!!! I may end up singing that for the rest of the week, and the weekend, and all of next week!!

  215. Oh my God. I saw the first picture and thought one was just an alligator in a suit and tie. Then I saw the second and realized he’s a matador.

  217. Wow, that is super creepy and cool all rolled into on. I’ve always thought those little gators were cute and now you can have one without it biting the crap out of you. On the downside its dead 🙁

  219. Love it!
    I feel the need to perform “everyone says Fuck Off” in a drag show…

  220. I am SOOO excited that they also sent you the matador gator. I was looking at the set of them, wondering why they didn’t select that one, because it was clearly too awesome to be left behind.

  222. Just think of Ferris Mewler. (Won’t someone think of Ferris)? When the micies arrive, and they will, he’s gonna make undecorating your Christmas tree seem like a day in the life of Norman Rockwell. He’s gonna flip a turd girdle I tell you, and then he will require valium vittles.

  226. if I was your neighbor, I would purposely open boxes that accidentally arrive at my house with your name on it. But, unlike your neighbor, I wouldn’t have just brought it nicely back to you. I would have strategically put it somewhere where you…or Victor…would find it. Like in the refrigerator.

  227. you know that scene in Disney’s Cinderella where all the little birds and other sweet rodents of the home and forest build her a dress? at least, i think it’s Cinderella. it just flowed together with the song. in my opinion, Everyone Says Fuck Off stanzas should be twittered by the little birds and Cinderella could sing the chorus/punch line. as a kid i thought that dress was so beautiful. when i grew up and studied costume design and had to make one for someone’s show, it was not fun and there were a lot of “fuck off’s” involved, certainly on my part and probably on the actresses part, too, while fitting it and taking too long and/or stabbing her with pins. My little secret: the pin stabs were a non-verbal “Fuck off”. Actresses gaining weight mid-show was theirs.

  229. I found the song both charming and perverse at the same time. Talk about cognitive dissonance!

  231. Ty Cobbigator. He’s menacing and the meanest gator on the team. Don’t fvck with him!

  233. I showed this post to my partner. His response: “you’d better not start doing this.” Him and Victor need to get together. Get the car.

  236. You have to make that song into a ringtone. You would make millions. I laughed so hard, if my bladder was not in a hammock I would have peed.

  237. I was reading this post and when I saw the picture of all the crocs I thought “Damn, I wish they would have sent along the one in the gold lamee too” then I scrolled down to your last shot and there it was.

    Double Bonus!

  239. I read this post 3 times before I realized “STUFFED IN THE ARMS OF AN ANTIQUE ALLIGATOR WEARING A BASEBALL UNIFORM” was not the name of the latest Blogologues play. Admittedly, it seems long for a title, but awesome at the same time. Even after I clicked through the link (because the Blogologues people are awesome) and read the information about the play I STILL thought SITAOAAAWABU was the name of the play. I really need to switch to gin.

  240. Isn’t this song just begging for a performance by Amanda Palmer (Mrs. Gaiman), perhaps accompanied on xylophone by Mr. Wheaton?

  241. Oh my gosh – I sooooo needed to hear that song just now! We have been having that type of day at work today (how to tell too loud co-workers to flip off without getting in trouble… or arrested) and this song just made our day!

  242. I would like to suggest that wherever the gator finds a place in your home that you call the shelf a Caiman Island….cause you know, they are caiman alligators. : )

    It seems appropriate that you would keep a piggy bank there too. You know just spare funds that are not subject to taxing.

  245. I just watched your spot on CNN, and I think you’re awesome! Your comments on the Rosen/Romney brouhaha were really great; I really respect you mentioning the third (non)side of the “mommy wars,” and how important it is to respect what others choose for their lives and their children.

    For me, the issue with all of these political “wars” (e.g. on women, on religion, and on parents) is that there seems to be a lack of respect for the sovereignty of the choices we make. Everywhere, we see instances of groups arguing about what is “right,” when “right” is so clearly a relative issue.

    Also, thanks for bringing attention to the zombie apocalypse. I agree that it would be a great way to spark interest in politics, survival, self-sufficiency, etc. among my generation. And we need to be prepared.

    Lastly, as a gay dude, thank you for believing in equality and saying so on national TV. Your child(ren) have a really great mother. 🙂

  246. Where do you find such lovely things?? I think my living room would GREATLY benefit from having such a wonderful animal…

  247. Jenny, I just wanted to let you know that I am SO HAPPY for you with all your success. I mean, hello? CNN? Oprah.com? Your very own memoir??

    I have been watching you (in a totally non-stalkerish way) since before you were known as The Bloggess and rooting for you, and you deserve all of this and more.

    Can’t wait to read your book.

  248. I love the “Fuck Off” song and already have it in rotation on my iPod. I tried going to Lori’s site to thank her, but only the main page somes up and I can’t go anywhere. Could you put in a request for an instrumental version so I can use it as a ringtone?

    Thanks again!

  251. oh em gee! i was reading your posts and then bam…i see my cousin-in-law’s name! Yay, Lori Henriques! i had my suspicions that she was extra cool but now i am for sure!

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This month’s book club picks are fire. For @fantasticstrangelings we have Lucky Red by @claudia.cravens and for @nightmaresfromnowhere we’re sending you Dead Eleven by @jimmyjulianobooks
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Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

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Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

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Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: Just read it. Trust me.

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