I made this.

I made you this. (Mainly because I need to raise some money for something ridiculous, stupid and awesome.)  It’s the perfect refrigerator magnet (as you might remember from my book).  It works in a multitude of ways: Scares off people stealing from your fridge.  Threatens your spouse during an argument when you aren’t speaking to them.  Helps you stay on your diet.

(I guess in this case “multitude” equals “3”.)


In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Robin’s Chicks, a humor blog you should probably check out.   Robin also wrote a great book called Ketchup is a Vegetable, and she has a really good recipe for fried okra I may have to try.

115 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I could probably use one of those magnets. I’ve never *intentionally* poisoned anything in the refrigerator, but there’s often something in there that’s old enough to at least be questionable.

    Laura @ Unlikely Explanations recently posted Probably Not Covered Under Warranty.

  2. 2
    jon spencer

    And I poisoned something else in the fridge.

  3. Can you do one with the same graphics but with

    Only enter Tom’s office if you are not going to upset him. Other wise you will die MotherF****r!

    But love the concept

    Tom Stronach recently posted Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeange.

  4. That magnet is the IDEAL stocking stuffer… Stocking up for Christmas now! (Pun intended.)

    Nic recently posted I’ve Found Love in a Hopeless Place.

  5. You need to make a magnet for freezers too. How else am I going to protect my ice cream?

    Jillian recently posted Will It Hold Up? Probably Not: A Literate Adult's Return to the Valley of Twilight.

  6. Loooove your letter to teenagers! Except it also feels like it’s to me, and I’m 30. . . when do babies stop being assholes?

    Melanie recently posted Southern Drivin'.

  7. I need that magnet

    Chooplah recently posted First Dates for Dummies.

  8. Wow. That magnet would be perfect for the workplace refrigerator to keep those lunch stealing creeps. So much easier to put that magnet on the door instead of putting Ex-Lax in a bait sandwich.

  9. Oh, I wish I had money and could buy this. My roommate’s would just LOVE it!

    Eoin Rie recently posted Monster Hunter International by Larry Correia.

  10. This pretty much covers anything I try to cook for my family. Plus, for charity?

    Cindy - The Reedster Speaks recently posted Unaccompanied Minor..

  11. Please oh please oh please come to the Philadelphia area on your next book tour. We have cheese steak and delicious pizza and Pennsylvania Dutch Country where we have towns named Intercourse and Blue Ball. Seriously.

  12. I want that refrigerator magnet. Even though it won’t be going on my refrigerator, it will be going on my food stash at work.


    EdT. recently posted WW: Dino-bugs!.

  13. In my fridge, it’s a safe bet everyone in the house has already built up an immunity.

    Bridget recently posted The Word for the 33rd Year of Bridget Callahan is.....

  14. Oh, I’d wear that on a t-shirt. Then you can make random strangers worried about their fridges.

    Kara recently posted Playing Hide and Seek with Killer Whales.

  15. The sad thing is…. in my fridge … there is always something in there questionable enough to make this scary

    Kerry :) recently posted … And finally… I get to play the part of Your Evil Wicked Stepmom….

  16. Love the magnet! Too bad it won’t stick to my fridge.

    Keitha recently posted Lunches July 9th - 13th.

  17. I loved the column to the teenagers, and I had my first child at 18 and raised her and a son to adulthood so I know it’s the truth.

    You do need to update the bio on the column though. It says that your book will be coming out in 2012, not that it is a smash hit (but much better than that TV show) in 2012.

  18. I am always happy to support good causes – but I’m even happier to support ridiculous, stupid and awesome causes.

    Katy recently posted Elsewhere, part two.

  19. In my house, it’s really easy to guess what’s poisoned, cause it’s the shit that’s growing mold/not the colour it was when I first put it in there.

    I always forget to eat my leftovers.


  20. How do I start a blog? Basically, I love to laugh, I like to drink, I hate people and I work with people….oh wait, you already wrote the book and blog, so I guess my work here is done. THANKS! So, can you come to the Pacific Northwest on your book tour? It rains every freakin’ day up here, but that means we read alot.

  21. Love it! And if my husband were still living with me, I would totally get it. May have to get it anyway and save it for a later date… HAHAHAHA!!!!

    Devon recently posted Fire In Ice by Devon Stewart.

  22. That is the coolest!!

  23. I dig this stuff.

    Mom Off Meth recently posted Baby Formula.

  24. And purchased.

    Tragic Sandwich recently posted Summer Cold.

  25. I totally love you & the blog, but even though I reeeeeeally want one of these, $27 for shipping to the UK is just stupid. Zazzle = fizzle. 🙁

  26. Ooh can you make that into an iPhone case? I would SO use that!!

  27. I would buy this magnet and put it up at work because someone keeps stealing my Diet Peach Iced Tea Snapples, but I’m already in big trouble at work for sending a series of “inappropriate” emails to a colleague this week (which I just posted about on my blog.)

    I’m also in trouble for randomly jamming my head in peoples’ offices during lunch to make sure they’re not drinking Diet Peach Iced Tea Snapple.

    Lauren@FilingJointly recently posted Cotton Candy, Sweet And Low, Let Me See That Tootsie Roll.

  28. I wrote a story on my blog about establishing an anti- lefover policy. I featured a guy standing in front of a regiferafor in a hazmat suit. That guy was me.

    Totally getting one of these for my wife.

  29. Love the magnet! I’m totally getting one!

    Crack You Whip recently posted Adventures in Being Complicated in Wal-Mart.

  30. I was hoping to see that Juanita birthday card you told me you would add to your store. 🙁 I know, busy – busy – busy!

    mousebert recently posted My Little Pony.

  31. YAY. I love this magnet.

    Keaven Neely recently posted An Asshole that I used to know.

  32. I need one of those magnets. For all 3 reasons.

    Also, we’re hours ahead of you and it’s already Saturday night over here. I’m slightly drunk and have had a claw-y kind of day. I can totally relate to that lion.


    Cara(Eli) recently posted I am....

  33. I also want to know more about what it is you’re saving for!

    Keaven Neely recently posted An Asshole that I used to know.

  34. I was once asked if I “was trying to poison” a dear friend of mine. All the times it has happened, it’s been by accident…

    Jillian recently posted This Is How Champions Are Made.

  35. That magnet is so awesome, I totally must have it. And probably some for my friends, too. I wonder if I could go to hypnosis so I could forget I bought it and then completely convince myself never to eat candy again…because of the poison, of course! 😉

    thedoseofreality recently posted Silence Is Not An Option.

  36. Seems like a funny one to post at work. Or the cold case at the supermarket.

    cassie recently posted snickerdoodle blondies.

  37. I predict I will be buying those magnets in the near future. It’s vacation time and all my friends are traveling. And so is my boss. And I’m watching their pets. In their houses. 🙂

    That open letter to teenagers is hilarious.

    Kelly at Cibatarian recently posted Upcoming beer and food pairing dinner at Christopher's World Grille.

  38. I will buy a magnet when you tell us what is ridiculous, stupid, and awesome.

  39. the fridge magnet is all kinds of awesome. i am a horrible cook, so the chances that it is “spot on” are pretty high.

    monica recently posted I don't know much, but I do know the Chupacabra (and he's not the largest rodent in the world)..

  40. I just gotta say, this blog is what keeps me sane while studying for my national dental boards!

  41. Too bad I’m broke right now. I would love to have one of those. But then I would have to poison something becasue the joke has to be real. HAS TO.

  42. I will buy one to help a sista out but I *really* need one that says “I farted in the ice cream.” I’m thinking it’s the only way to keep my fucking kids out of my frozen treats. You understand.

    Rach recently posted Girl Crazy.

  43. The Open Letter to Teenagers was an awesome PSA , much better than say … TEEN MOM..
    Oiy. I don’t know why that show is still on.
    Buying this magnet for my house, but somehow I think it would be so much better in a work enviornment..

  44. I will come back later to get one, love-freaking-love this. You rock and inspired me to send my ‘momblog’ to auto-pilot and start one that I can really speak my mind on, relentlessly with all the truthful, crazy pieces of bitching satire sarcasm I can possibly spit out, with out drowning in a drama pool of troll comments. Keep slapping ’em around, Lady.

    Jaime recently posted I dare you not to hum this...

  45. I’ve thought about writing something like that on the fridge. Nothing like counting on leftover burrito stuff or mac ‘n’ cheese, only to find the tupperware empty!

    Jen recently posted GUND "Top Dog" contest.

  46. Hello?? YOU are raising money for something ‘ridiculous, stupid, and awesome’ and no one asks you WHAT IT IS??? Enquiring minds want to know!!!! (Because I have a feeling your version of ridiculous, stupid, and awesome way eclipses most peoples…)

  47. Now I want a puppy.

    Kathleen recently posted Spilled Honey.

  48. That magnet will be on the office fridge as soon as it gets here.

  49. is there a button for “buy one of everything in this store”?

    Heretic Husband recently posted The Sweet Taste of Bitterness.

  50. Hmmmmm….can I get licesing rights to this because I think on college campuses…have you ever had to live with 5 girls???
    They eat all your stuff and then pretend you never had it in the fridge to begin with…bitches.
    This would totally keep them from tampering with other people’s yogurts.

    Martha recently posted I’ve gone crazy for Insanity Fitness.

  51. Would putting this on the work refrigerator be a bad idea? We have a food bandit. He is evil. He loves Greek yogurt, cheese, and basically everything that unsuspecting coworkers leave in the fridge. Even if it is clearly marked in Sharpie.

    Posy Palette recently posted Too Faced's new Primed and Poreless Pure.

  52. This thing you’re raising money for – is it a zombie rat because I think I may have seen one on eBay.

    As for the magnet, I shall buy multiple quantities. Then when I visit other people’s homes, I can place a magnet on their fridge like a magnet bandit and watch the drama unfold. Thank you for providing me with a do-it-yourself soap opera.

    Rhana @ Dumb {Squared} recently posted It's Friday night and the weekends here, I need to unwind with the party, Mr DJ.

  53. I am SO getting this magnet. The Hubby is constantly accusing me of trying to poison him. Just because I fed him some week old pasta once because I didn’t check the expiration date. Geez…. I mean, I had JUST bought it. It’s the damn store’s fault for selling me outdated food. Okay, so he vomitted and had cramps…blah blah blah…waaahhh….so SORRRYYY! Some people are sooo touchy. So now he SMELLS everything. Opens every container and sniffs like a fucking bomb sniffing dog and makes this face…this face that can only be described as the one you’d see if someone just saw Chloris Leachman naked. Yeah. That face. So I figure the fridge magnet will save us both a lot of aggravation. Thank you!

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted Watermelon Cucumber Martini.

  54. O.M.G! I ordered one for me, my best friend, AND my mom! LOVE IT!

  55. The magnet is just perfect for the home fridge or the pirate ship.

    And if you had like 100, you could distribute them freely throughout the Sears apppliance department.

    That could provide the economic stimulus the country to so badly needs.

    I had no idea you were also an economist.


    HogsAteMySister recently posted People-Watching at the Mall — Chapter 10,000.

  56. Hahah I love it. Is it weird I wanna put it on the fridge at my work?

    Mayor Gia recently posted Allie Thinks It's Hot, Too.

  57. You need to create a 2nd one that looks similar but says “So did I”

    Anna recently posted Rhubarb Snacking Cake, Quilts and Food Art.

  58. oooh! I hope the tour takes you somewhere close to Pensacola, FL!

  59. Can we get Harold the Disreputable Unicorn on a tshirt? PRETTY PLEASE?

  60. This will not work with my spouse…she does not eat leftovers. And when she does cook, I have to eat what she cooks. As for my god-family, they would just laugh about this…they are witches (literally, witches–the hexing kind).

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Everyone is nuts!.

  61. ‘A good recipe for okra’…

    I’ll be sure to file that in the recipebox next to the awesome recipe for headcheese and the amazing recipe for liver.

    Or was that a hint? Did you poison the okra?

    XLMIC recently posted Nothing new to report. Attention-grabbing, I know..

  62. I seriously just sat in stupefied contentment at the lion video. I watched it like, thirty times.

    Kelly@Sublurban Mama recently posted "Mawwiage..." - Impressive Clergyman.

  63. The mommy sharks on Ill advised crack me up and make me sad at the same time. Apparently, some people’s sense of humor breaks when they give birth.

    Selina recently posted Behave Badly.

  64. Good lord, I need that magnet.

    It’s possible my fridge (or something in it) could attack when I open it right now, which only makes me avoid cleaning it. I’m afraid I’ve started a colony of aliens/demons/creatures in there…like in Men in Black II when K was the god of the locker people.

    On the bright side, I’ve lost five pounds. Effective diet trick: poor housekeeping!

    Jess recently posted Why I Bellydance (This is not a funny post. You probably don't want to read it)..

  65. So today I’m sure we spotted a feral young rooster in our street. The first thought through my head was “knock knock motherfucker” which I am glad didn’t come out since my kids and neighbors were right there too.

  66. @Aby My friends from PA always told me Blue Ball was halfway between Intercourse and Ecstasy. Maps have proven this to be true.

  67. That teen pregnancy letter is genius.

    Kids are exhausting! Also ridiculously time-consuming.

    Jaime recently posted Homemade Friday: Sweet Sebastian, 4 years.

  68. I WANT that! It’s perfect for threatening my husband.

    Danielle recently posted Target is evil...but I love it..

  69. LOL! Instant win. I can’t wait until someone sees this over my shoulder when I answer the door. (Our fridge is right behind the door in our small ass apartment. O.o)


  70. You come up with the coolest crap! I wish I had an income and could purchase this. SIGH.

    Eleanor recently posted More Stop Mo Goodness.

  71. Magnet=awesome. You should make your way over to Portland, OR for your book tour.

  72. I think the magnets are terrific. I’d love to stash a few in my purse when I go to visit family and slap those bad boys on their fridge on my way out. Surprise! Or, when you stay in a hotel you could leave one for the maid as a tip so when she gets really annoying people with a child who poops in the tub (yes, this happened to us) on day two she can slap one on the fridge right after she finishes vaccuuming. Awesome!

    Lily from Itsadomelife recently posted Bravest Chickens In The Universe.

  73. I was so excited to buy this for the frig – then remembered that my whole ‘put it on there for when I’m mad and not speaking to my partner’ plan wouldn’t work since she reads your blog, too. Your popularity is kind of getting in my way. ; )

    And I can’t help but ask, what is the ridiculous, stupid and awesome thing you’re trying to fund??

    Jen @ Bible Belt to Boulder recently posted Moving day, and why we’re not very adept at being The Beverly Hillbillies.

  74. That magnet is going to go on my fridge in the new house. But only at random times. BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA…

    Sarah B. recently posted Day Two, Infinitely Better.

  75. It is the running joke that after every disagreement, whether settled or not, my husband switches plates with me because, “You won’t be killing me tonight.” Little does he know that I make our plates at the same time and only hold the one I don’t want so that the one I wind up with has the big piece of chicken. He will lose his shit when he sees this magnet, especially if I customize it to say tiny at the bottom: switch plates all you want, motherfucker.

    Arnebya recently posted Writer’s Workshop: Fame.

  76. You should also put these on the freezers at the local morgue.

    Pathologists have a very droll sense of humor.

    Plus also, they don’t sue.

    HogsAteMySister recently posted On Loving Dogs.

  77. What does it say about my life that I come here for a little sanity…?

    PB recently posted July Prize.

  78. If we could SEE the front of our fridge I’d totally buy that magnet.

    (This is the witchy one, in case you were missing me.)

    New tour? In Oregon this time? PLEASE!

    Julie recently posted Making ourselves known..

  79. This is right up your alley – a taxidermist in New Zealand who mixes up his roadkill.

  80. Poison it mildly enough and it’s like a free anti-depressant-enhancing enema.

    RIGHT?? RIGHT!!?!??!?

    Stephanie C | Seriously? Really?? Seriously? recently posted Oh. Hai..

  81. Just ordered the refrigerator magnet. Glad to have helped in funding your project. By the way, what are you going to do with the funds?

  82. OK, I am ordering the magnet… several of them. I will keep one and give the rest as gifts. LOL!!!!!

  83. I just sent the open letter to teenagers to my sister, who is NOT a teenager but IS the mother of a toddler who woke up screaming last night at 12:30 and stayed up until 4 for absolutely no reason at all. My sister needed the laugh today, mostly so she won’t murder the baby later.

  84. LOVE the open letter to teens post. As the mom of two teenage boys, I’ve embarrassed them the last few years by openly discussing condoms. When I send my oldest off to college, I’ll be sending him with a dorm fridge and a big box of Trojans. I will be finished with the baby-side of this parenting gig – I’m not raising grand babies.

    Denise Malloy recently posted Kirkus Reviews A Real Mother.

  85. The magnet is awesome. I have teenagers, so it may save me some $$$ on food.

  86. I fucking WANT that magnet!

    Jaime recently posted Knowing I'm no Oprah - GUEST POST!.

  87. Good to see you’re still getting good topical reviews


  88. Sloth prefered the wine slushees at Bloggess’s house. http://migalicious.tumblr.com/post/27282308078/anglepoiselamp-justamus-teratomarty

  89. 89

    where was this letter to teenagers 20 years ago??? my life would be sooo different right now…not that i was a teen mom…but just the puppy / baby perspective alone may have saved me…

  90. That magnet wouldn’t scare anyone away in my house. With my cooking, they already know that something’s poisoned in the fridge!

    Cheryl D. recently posted Health Care Is So Expensive!.

  91. I’m sure this has been pointed out to you (probably many times) before, but if it hasn’t, let me be the first to tell you that Dooce’s “Stuff I found while looking around” she started positing about 6 Months ago is a DIRECT ripoff of your “Shit I was doing when I wasn’t here…”. Just sayin’… Oh and just saying this too TheBlogess>TheDunce, oops I meant TheDooce.

    How’s the kitteh?

    Cathy in Shrewsbury, MA

  92. Letter to Teenagers is great. Do love it. It may decide now what to choose. lol!!!

    Willyn recently posted Honey, breakfast is ready.

  93. LOVE that letter to teens, I’m going to print that out and give it to each of my kids on their 13th birthday with a note at the bottom that says “And look, we already have a dog!” That should guarantee NO surprises for me! Right? Tell me I’m right!

    MJ Lynne recently posted My Children Are Electronically Deprived.

  94. I HAD to order this! Not because I poisoned anything (admission is never a good idea), but because it’s good to keep hubby guessing….he’s getting a little too comfortable lately.

  95. SOOO getting one! That’s my favorite line in the book!

    Em recently posted Karma(l) apples and oranges.

  96. Yay! I totally ordered several as soon as I saw this… I love it!

  97. 98
    Keely Tolbert

    You had me at ” I’m going one last book tour in a few weeks. More info coming soon…” Please please please let there be Kansas somewhere on the list. Or even Kansas City, MO – I’d totally make the drive…

    Ordering magnet now….for all 3 reasons! 😉

  98. So I recommended your book today as part of my summer reading list. My husband and I literally fought over the book and there were some really touch and go times that I thought some of the strangers at the beach may stage an intervention and call the psych ward because I was laughing so loudly while reading it. I really loved the book and have been recommending it to everyone I know…well, everyone I know that is awesome. I’ll keep my eyes peeled for you when you are on your next book tour. Would love to stalk you (um, did I say that out loud), if you are in the Seattle area.

    Rachel recently posted Summer Reading.

  99. I am totally getting one of these magnets for when my soon-to-be-ex-husband comes to do work on the house….

  100. I so need one of those magnets. Except that I live alone, so it might make me worry that I have an alternate personality staging a murder-suicide. Also, the teenagers wanting babies article? I may have to distribute that at local high schools.

    Natalie recently posted And Then I Ended Up on a Gang's Hit List.

  101. Bought a magnet today. Pure evil genius.

  102. That is funny. I should get one to help with the diet I am pretending to be on so I can eat what I want but not feel bad about it.

    TheFeelGoodDepot recently posted Boss Gives Employees $7,500 for Dream Vacations – The Feel Good Depot Way.

  103. What about Harold’s buddy, Hoppy the Junkie Bunny?

  104. Thank you one million times for creating such a magnet. I instantly ordered one. It’s the perfect way to threaten my boyfriend without actually verbally incriminating myself. Super helpful.

  105. Have you ever made a “No Soliciting” sign? If not, would you? I really need one, and I’d prefer a funny one that would make the bastards who ring the doorbell in spite of the no soliciting sign think I’m adorable and leave me alone.

    Bored Housewife recently posted If its Thursday, it must be America.

  106. You need to put together a bundle that includes two magnets and the book. And then send me all the money because it’s my idea.

  107. I really really reaaaally want that magnet! 🙂 Let me just say that for whatever the crazy reason, I hadn’t seen your blog until only recently and have quite fallen in love with it! You’re hilarious! I could only dream to be like you.

    You’re saucy, snarky, and completely adorable! May you live long!

    YOU’RE welcome. 😉

  108. Getting tired of Co-Workers stealing food from the Community Fridge? Post one of these bad boys on the door and see how long it takes HR to come knocking on everyone’s door asking who’s bright idea it was. Then you can blame it on the Bloggess, because if that doesn’t raise an eyebrow before you explain yourself, nothing will. (I’m pretty sure HR people don’t read The Bloggess, because it has nothing to do with work related activities or being an asshole. And by HR people, I mean, like, the higher-ups who do all the firing and general lame-ass shit)

    -The End

  109. I ordered the smaller magnet, not realizing it only says “in the refrigerator, good luck with that” Is that correct?

  110. It’s 6:02am and my early morning, online shopping for un-needed things has commenced. Please be advised that I have just put money towards your dead animal fund by ordering the lovely, “I poisoned something…” magnet. Thank you.

  111. BAUGHT IT! When it came my husband was very curious what was inside the envelope and got very annoyed when I did not open it in front of him. After he left for work I moved all the magnets around so this one was sitting in the middle of the fridge, at eye level, alone and obvious. He took a picture of it and texted it to me with a note saying “really?”. I dont think he really understand me sometimes……

    Nikki recently posted Should these things piss me, or just when I have PMS, or doesn't it matter?.

  112. I bought ten 3″x5″ magnets. Got them, words cropped off top and bottom. I email customer support and attach picture. They ask me if I want a refund and I say I’d rather have the magnets with all the words like I thought I would be getting. They say no problem. Get replacement (as in one instead of 10) magnet and it’s still “in the refrigerator / Good Luck” only. I was trying to do my bid to support the awesome Bloggess store, but I give up. ; )

  113. You’re either brilliant or insane! There us a fine line I suppose….
    At least you’re hot either way!

    The Hook recently posted #111: The Most Terrible Invention in Human History….

  114. I LOVE the magnet and am so getting one. I also want to thank you for finally helping me solve the problem of what I was bringing my campmates as a gift this year at Burning Man. We have losers come into camp sometimes to steal out of coolers…so I borrowed your design and went to zazzle to make stickers that say I’ve poisoned something in the cooler…my friends will love it and the thieves will hopefully think twice before messing with our camp coolers. Thank you so much! Your blog brightens my every week.

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