I dub thee Jefferson Peabody, the easily excited.

in Random Crap

Today Victor and I went thrift shopping for weird shit.  Or at least, I did.  Victor went to make sure I didn’t come home with the head of a chupacabra, which was an actual possibility this trip.

No shit, y'all. This is real.

I even went on twitter to see if anyone could identify it, but the closest guess was my friend Sara who posited that it was a reverse Mr. Tumnus.   (It would explain why only the head was mounted.)

Then we found a duck that really wanted to hug you.

Assaulting duck says: "HUG IT OUT, BITCHES."

We didn’t buy either of them though because they were expensive and I’m running out of room, and because I found something else that made my heart stop.

me: AAAAAAH!

Victor: AAAAAAH!

me: Right?

Victor: You were yelling with excitement. I was yelling with horror. Just...no. No, no, no.

me: WHAT -ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It’s an ancient, screaming, dead baby alligator.

Victor: Yes. Exactly.

me: AND IT’S ONLY TWELVE DOLLARS.

Victor: Motherfucking bargain hunter.

me:  It’s like someone found the best fucked up taxidermy ever and decided to charge by the inch rather than by the awesome.

Victor:  “By the awesome” isn’t a term of measurement.

me:  It’s metric.

Victor:  Please don’t buy that.

me:  It’s like he’s screaming about himself.  Like he can’t even believe how amazing he is.  AND I CAN’T EITHER.

You can't argue with him.

me:  Frankly, we should all be so lucky as to have the confidence of Jefferson Peabody.

Victor:  You already named him?

me:  Sometimes they name themselves.  HE’S TRYING TO RAISE THE ROOF WITH HIS LITTLE ALLIGATOR HANDS.

Victor:  Fine.  But I don’t know where you’re going to put him.  You’re running out of room for old dead animals.

me:  No worries.  I have the perfect place.

Jefferson Peabody feels your pain and/or hysteria.

PS.  Yes, of course there’s a greeting card.

 

361 thoughts on “I dub thee Jefferson Peabody, the easily excited.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Oh he is awesome. None of the thrift shops I visit ever have tiny taxidermied alligators. Maybe it’s where I live.

  4. I can’t wait to see the book your daughter writes about having you for a mom. It’ll be awesome. JUST LIKE YOU.

  10. Holy crap, I just almost peed my couch from laughing so hard. You almost owe me a couch, Jenny.

    Also, Jefferson is obviously Juanita’s soul mate.

  12. I feel like a part of my soul has been hijacked by him. I’ll never be able to eat a souffle without feeling guilty again. Thanks, Jeff.

  16. You always need a friend to echo your pain!!!!!

  17. for all the years I’ve resisted visiting friends that have moved to TX… now I;m starting to think I may have to…I never find cool stuff like that in baltimore.

  19. I think you need about ten more screaming dead animals to truly illustrate the tragedy that is a ruined souffle. Victor’s just going to have to deal.

  21. It’s like he’s saying “I love you” and “I’m going to eat you” at the same time.

  25. I don’t know why my husband never laughs as hard as I do when reading your posts, but he does wish to offer Victor asylum.

  27. Oh my gosh, I am having a coughing fit from laughing. Him and Juanita PERFECT!!!

  28. Jefferson Peabody is indeed awesome. Think of the hijinks that will ensue!

    However, I love love LOVE the fact that duck is hung just above a picture of crucified Jesus…. I see the resemblance a little… Is Jesus-duck still for sale?

  29. 1.Clearly, thrift stores in Texas are superior to those found here in Pennsylvania.
    2. I’m with Chris Illuminati, get the chupacabra, put it in the bathroom, and name it the Poopacabra. Because, um, amazing.
    3. That Alligator looks like an Opera Singer.

    Love this post. Made my entire day better.

  32. You people in TX have EVERYTHING! I can’t believe Victor let you go INTO a taxidermy shop, what with your history and all … Will you make him a frock?

  38. You really can’t argue with that logic. When he says he’s fantastic, you just have to nod and say yes, sir, you are.

  39. If only there were about nine more of him, you could have your own tiny alligator can-can line! Clearly, you need to look harder (and find a freakishly skilled seamstress that specializes in atomic-particle-sized sequins).

  40. Hahahaha. Omgoodness. I laughed so hard I scared my sleeping cat and she fell of the couch.

  41. Sweet jesus on a Ritz why can’t I find anything that amazing in thrift stores in CT or Cape Cod? Seriously. Victor doesn’t get it. Jefferson Peabody is amazing. And probably a hero. How could Victor say no to bringing home some sort of hero? It seems sort of un-American Victor. Just saying.

  42. As soon as I saw him I pictured that old WB frog, Michigan J. Frog (yes I looked up his name), that used to sing with the top hat and cane, “Hello my baby, Hello my honey, Hello my ragtime gal…” I love your taxidermy collection…
    STUPENDOUSLY SUPERBLY AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  44. Jefferson Peabody is totally an old-time southern preacher whipping the congregation into a frenzy of fire & brimstone; part James Brown, part the preacher dad from Footloose, part old-time carnival barker.

  46. YAY YAY YAY YAY!!! I laugh like crazy whenever you find something as wonderful as this, so I hope you never run out of room (or Victor out of patience!).

  48. Aaaaaaaaaaah!

    I love this little guy. Tell Victor he is blind to the awesomeness of Mr. Peabody. I think you need to get Victor some Adorable Glasses. They’re like rose colored glasses, but better.

  50. I just forced my husband to read this post… I shouted at him, “You’re scrolling too fast!” “FOCUS!!”… just couldn’t see him going through life without awesome dose of Jenny Lawson. He walked away smiling; his day is better for it.

  54. OMG you have me laughing around my exes friends! you officially OWN my humor

  56. I believe the first goat-looking thing could be a Himalayan Tahr…google it.

  59. It’s like Jefferson Peabody has known me my whole life and can hear exactly what I want to say to mot people most of the time but don’t! I love him! I love you for sharing his awesomeness with all of us! You are amazing, as always! Victor is such a lucky man!

  61. Put Jefferson Peabody in an itty bitty church and title it “Hallelujah!”. I’m telling you, that little alligator’s been moved by the spirit.

    Also? If you hang that thing over your toilet, I swear I will never, ever use the bathroom in your house. You’ll find me outside in the bushes. Which will thrill Quiet Asian Guy, no doubt.

  65. I have been in a million thrift stores in my life, and I have never seen a taxidermied animal. WTF?

  67. Souffles are highly underrated. Why don’t more tiny animals bake? The world would be a better place.

  69. Woman, you make me laugh until I cry and I can’t see to read. Then I have to get myself together so I can finish the post. Then it starts all over again.

  79. I needed a laugh more than anything today! Thank you SO much for brightening my day! I simply LOVE your blog! Can I hire you to live with me and make me laugh? We won’t call you a jester, that’s politically incorrect….we’ll think of a name at a later date.

  81. Oh just be my bff already, for fucks sake. I’ll move there. I have nothing here but my husband and kids.

  82. Apparently I need to come to Texas (?? I think that’s where you live – or I made it up in my head and now believe my own lie) because that’s where all the cool taxidermy is. Nothing cool in IL. Once found a deer head that looked like it would bust out in song any minute – but even that was in Ohio. If you ever find a deer head that looks like it could talk – drop me a line. Our stairwell will thank you.

  83. Every time I look at Jefferson Peabody I hear Oprah’s voice booming from his mouth, “I AM FAN..TAS..TIC!”

  84. I love you, Jenny. I have been so down with the Colorado shooting thing. This is the first time I laughed out loud. Thank you for what you do.

  90. He is fan-freakin-tastic but I do think a mini- megaphone in his raised hand would complete his enthusiasm. 🙂

  92. Our thrift store had a coupon this weekend of $10/$30. You would have to buy THREE Peabodies to even get to the minimum for the coupon – that is how much of a deal he is! Oh, and there were no dead animals AT ALL at our thrift store so the coupon was pretty much wasted. Too bad, really, or I could have bought them and sent them to you and Victor couldn’t say no because they were FREE.

  93. LOVE IT.. well him 🙂 I need to try and find me some dead animals for my home. All I have is a husband, 4 kids, and live hairy animals… my home is not yet complete.

  94. I’m sorry my giraffe (8 ft. from shoulders to head!) went on a trip to New York and you never got to meet him. You would have loved him!

  95. I need that “I am fantastic” picture on a shirt. That’s my answer whenever someone asks me how I’m doing.

  97. Dang…I soooo wish there were shops like that where I live! (Or maybe not. I barely have room for all my “collectibles” now. And my husband is a lot like Victor.)

  100. Look, I know that some people, and at least two stuffed dead animals, have a really emotional investment in souffles, but…

    Can we try to major on the majors?

    Focus on the really important things in life?

    I am ALMOST finished with “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened”.

    YAY!

    And also, FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    No pressure, but, really, what the hell else am I supposed to do with my time?

    Jenny, how are you doing with the follow up book?

    :-}

  101. I think I get a little credit for this find.
    Today, I was just reading the part of your book “And then I snuck a dead Cuban alligator on an airplane”, and couldn’t fathom how you would get by with just ONE taxidermied alligator.
    My powers of psychic suggestion are strong indeed.
    You’re welcome.

  102. Oh, he’s perfect! There’s no way you COULDN’T buy him, truly.

    And using “by the awesome” as a unit of measure is entirely appropriate. We make up our own units of measure all the time. Typically to do with D&D, because we are tremendous nerds.

  103. “Motherfucking bargain hunter…” Oh, Victor…when will you learn? It isn’t about the bargain, it’s about the fanfriggingtasticness.

  104. What kind a thrift shops do you go to??? I buy cute dresses and old books at thrift shops; you buy awesome. I’m totally shopping the wrong places!

  106. OMG! I love it. And I second someone else’s comment that he needs a fez! He is fabulous!

  107. i think it looks like he’s singing bohemian rhapsody, you know, at the ‘mamaaaaaaa’ part. in any case he’s awesome. and even awesomer with juniata.

  110. Woman, you kill me.

    I channel the excitement you have when discussing this with your husband.

    Juanita looks happy, or at the very least glad that someone is sharing her agony. Misery loves company they say.

    Congrats on the new addition. Keep it high or Hunter S Tomcat may kill it for a final time. I don’t think you’d be able to get your $12 back if that happened.

  112. He needs a little Italian military uniform. Obviously he’s not screaming, he’s singing opera!

  114. I wish that I could get excited about ANYTHING the way that you get excited about taxidermied animals. Just once in my goddamn life.

  116. Jefferson Peabody just made a shitty day way unshittier. I’d say $12 bucks is a bargain for a tiny stuffed alligator who looks like he’s screaming, “Oh, the humanity!” Tell Victor you are saving people’s sanity one previously-unwanted taxidermied animal at a time. And we appreciate it.

  117. So funny! I am still laughing many minutes after reading this post. While I honestly cannot imagine owning anything that was once alive and now dead and stuffed, I do feel myself a bit envious of this crazy cool alligator!

  119. I’ve only been reading your blog for a couple months now and I was hooked instantly. I asked for your book for mother’s day when the hubby texted me out of frustration and after a fruitless shopping trip. It was awesome, by the way. I read from it aloud to my mother in the hospital shortly before she passed from a brain tumour because each chapter could be read stand alone and it was a fun read. She could no longer read for herself and she seemed to enjoy it. Even when she was unable to speak coherently she would chuckle at the good parts, which was often. You are totally crazy and one of the coolest people on the internets! Both are meant as compliments, of course. I’m still trying to figure out where you would keep all these interesting finds of yours… I have too many kids so there’s hardly room for all of us much less cool baby alligators, frozen in time and singing hallelujah (or, you know, screaming).

  120. It’s as if he were waiting for you all his taxidermied life–of course you HAD to buy him. Welcome to the family!

  121. YAY! this is awesome! I just love you and all your old dead animals. Jefferson just looks so excited to see you! How can that not make you happy?

  125. “I throw my hands up in the air sometimes
    Saying AYO!
    I’m Fan-tas-tic-o!”

  127. You should have him facing Victor and caption it “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!”

    frankly, I think Victor may be the patron saint of husbands. I’m sure he has his shortfalls, Lord knows they all do, but he so groks you and steps back to let you….well…..be you. There’s gotta be a halo in there for him.

    Meanwhile, Jefferson Peabody is da bomb!

  129. I would LOVE to see you make a card out of the flying dug that actually reads “hug it out, bitches!” I could use a card or 5 like that.

  132. I loves him! I want him…or at least his brother/sister! On a bad note though, my boyfriend doesn’t want me to read your blog anymore, he says that every time I leave the house he is scared to death that I am going to come home with some f***** up piece of taxidermy. I think that he and Victor should go live in a retirement home together. I’ll NEVER give up The Bloggess!

  133. OMG, I also screamed AHHHHHHHHHHHH when I saw him. But the first kind of AHHHHHHHH, not the second. And my husband also wondered what the hell that was about. When I said The Bloggess, I could actually HEAR his eyes roll behind me.

    I think he needs a hug from the aggressive affection duck.

    I gotta say, I am NOT finding these awesome taxidermied animal stores anywhere around Kansas City. Something is WRONG with this motherfucking city, I say.

  134. the new souffle photo caused me to guffaw, awkwardly, which is the proper adverb to described most guffaws.

  135. Do you ever freak Victor out just by saying “I’m stuffed” after dinner?

  137. I love, Love, LOVE Jefferson Peabody! He is so awesome it almost hurts me!

  138. I wish you got the duck too – who doesn’t need an assulting duck to force us to hug it out every once in a while? Tell Victor it’s like free couples therapy. If he tells you it’s not free because you still need to buy the duck, you can tell him that little disagreements like those are EXACTLY why you need couples therapy.

  139. I believe that I will need to get this greeting card to hang on my office wall, so that when my bosses are being The Dumb, I can look at it and it will make me laugh from the sheer freaking awesome that is the duo of Juanita and Jefferson Peabody.

    I’ll have you know, you have probably just saved me from committing arson. 😉

  140. I agree with whoever said he needs a fez. He needs a wee mop and a bow tie, too. Because reasons.

  142. I love your brain!!!! I wish mine felt like it was half as awesome as yours. 🙂

  143. If it’s about the $12, I am sure there are plenty of us who will send Victor the $12. Heck, I’d do it even though I am currently unemployed.

    Thank you for this… I really needed this today!

  145. I love him! Where the heck do you find these gems? I especially love that his facial expression works for both horror and delight. I would put him in my closet, so every day I could picture him screaming “FABULOUS!” after I get dressed. Or, if I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see, he would back me up by screaming “AAAACK!” Too awesome.

  147. Just looking at him makes me happier. He’s JUST THAT HAPPY. Excellent shopping choice, as usual.

  148. Its surprising how victor let’s you out of the house. Oh wait, you have internet.it’s a losing battle on all fronts. God you make me laugh. Thank you!!!

  149. I would have been extremely disappointed had there not been a greeting card. As such, I have purchased one so that you can hopefully purchase the aggressively huggy duck. You’re welcome.

  150. My hairdresser in Austin also collects taxidermy. When I saw him a few weeks ago he was debating a $600 baby goat he’d found in a shop on South Congress. I can be excited for him and encourage it because it’s not going in my house. This tiny, screaming stuffed alligator, however, is nine kinds of cute. I cannot even believe I just typed that.

  151. I make my husband read your blog, Jenny, so that he can appreciate that other husbands out there don’t get to live the rich and varied life that he and Victor do. Being married to Southern girls is a blessing in the truest sense of the word.

  152. I need a full set of greeting cards……..an assortment if you will……I love all of your minions-and your fantastically warped (don’t take that the wrong way-it IS a compliment!) sense of humor.

  153. I have never bought a dead animal before but I would definitely have bought Jefferson Peabody. I couldn’t have walked away and left him there and I’m glad that Victor didn’t talk you out of this adoption. Jefferson is awesome and so are you; please don’t ever change <3

  154. The next time I’m teaching film and we’re talking about sublime images, I’m pulling this one up. It. Is. MAGIC!

  155. I love the souffle greeting card! But I have to say…that fucking alligator scares me, in much the same way that baby corn scares me. (Seriously.) It’s just…too small. And WHERE DID YOU FIND A DRESS FOR A DEAD ANIMAL? It fits SO PERFECTLY. It looks so…twee. (Which really is NOT a word one has the opportunity to use very often, so I think I should get points for it or some shit, like some kind of Bloggess Scrabble. Get to work on that and don’t say I haven’t helped you with marketing ideas, WAY more than Victor who obviously is still thinking INSIDE the box as opposed to outside the entire effing universe like I do.)

  156. I love reposting your blogs to FB. Not only because they are fantastic but to see how long my pastor lasts before he Unfriends me. Carry on and thank you.

  161. You made me laugh tonight. And considering that the evening has been so shit-tastic that I punched a wall, it was truly needed. Thank you.

  162. Awesome! I have no idea where you shop. The only dead animals I have found for sale are deer heads and big ol’ fish. Thanks for the laugh tonight!

  163. Omg… this is the first dead animal you’ve posted that I was repulsed by… he is actually kind of cute… adorable really… baby anything is cute…. even dead baby Gator … maybe its just the wine… or lack of sleep

  166. BWAHAHA! I love it! I’m sitting here wiping tears of laughter from my eyes. Needed the laugh really bad, since someone broke into my house, ggrrrr! 🙂

  168. You would think Victor would be more relaxed about these animals by now, especially after your anniversary sloth. I mean, it’s not like it’s a LIVE gator.

  169. Little dude doesn’t just raise the roof…he ROCKS DA HOWSE.

    He is so little and tiny and small and perfect. I’m super envious of your stellar score 🙂

  170. There is a “vintage” (code word for “old crap”) store on South Lamar in Austin where the funk just gets funkier! Make a day of it! I found a taxidermied wolf hound there that seemed to be more antique than vintage for the shocking price of $685. I bet you could talk them down. If he’s still around, which I’ll bet he’s not because who doesn’t want a taxidermied wolf hound for $685?
    http://www.uncommonobjects.com/

  172. I think Jefferson needs a wee chef’s hat and apron to compliment Juanita. What a find! So jealous.

  176. If you are running out of room, than you need to add a room. You can pay for this by selling tickets to people who want to come and see your stuff. Then, you’ll totally be in the roadside attraction business and you can keep buying more stuff and adding more rooms. Like the House on the Rock. That would be awesome. I’d totally buy a ticket.

  178. Measured in awesome is now an official form of measurement in my house. Also, Jefferson is *amazing*. I’m jealous.

  179. Wanita says “My mother fucking souffle is ruined” and Peabody is all “BITCH PLEASE!”

  180. Of course I was beaten to it, but yeah, I’d say that first thing is a Japanese serow. I would love to know how its head ended up in Texas.

    I think Jefferson needs a town cryer’s outfit and little bell.

  182. OMG. I just kept wondering if he was stuck in his egg like that. It took a few steps before I realized he was probably not screaming from being ripped from the womb. I do feel better now because he was almost certainly not trying to rip himself out of an egg when he died, he’d be too squished to scream then. Right?

  183. I swear he needs a little clock in his mouth like the crocodile in “Hook”…

  184. This just happened in my house:
    Me: “BAhaHHAHA”
    Tim: “What?”
    Me: “Oh, just one of my favorite bloggers bought a taxidermied baby alligator that looks like it’s screaming.”
    Tim: “…is that the lady who has A LOT of taxidermied animals?”
    Me: “Aww, yes!”

    My husband is a pro a listening. Amazing.
    Hahahaha

  186. It does speak to me, my day is already considerably improved. I can only imagine how much better I’d feel if Jefferson P. was on my desk. He was made for you. I rejoice in your good fortune.x

  189. This is fucking precious. I think you’ve found your new calling in life: making ridic cards out of dead animals. I had a great LOL at this, so many gifts bestowed on one person, praise tha lo-ah-da!

  191. Just got home and was waxing lyrical (as you do) about alligators and taxidermy. Flatmate “you’ve never mentoned this before”. Me *stomps off * “Are you f-ing joking me mumble mumble mumble”. I have now forwarded him the blog and expect him to have read and understood and totally get every single post by tomorrow. Or else.

  192. I love that! If you could find another you could use it to make a teeny tiny pair of alligator shoes for the squirrel…

  193. Just bought two of these cards at your zazzle shop – one will be a birthday card and one will be lovingly placed on my fridge. You need to make magnets out of these. Seriously.

  194. Awesome. This made my morning. I love it! I agree with the last comment. You need to make magnets out of these:)

  196. That motherfucker’s magical. And he goes so well with Juanita. And now I’m singing the theme song to The Rescuers, remembering the huge alligators Brutus and Nero (b/c nothing makes more sense than a 70’s movie reference of huge gators compared to Jefferson Peabody’s tennytininess, right?). Or were they crocodiles? Fuck you, grade school!

  197. Dear God, that IS full of the awesome!!! I want Lil Jeffy so bad!!!! That’s it, I request new swag made in his honor!

  199. Clearly, Jefferson is singing “Don’t cry out LOUUUUUD – just keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings. Fly high and proud. And if you should fall, remember you almost had it aaaaalllllllll!”

    There has to be a way to get one of those recordable chips they put in singing birthday cards and make him a singing alligator.

  202. Can you just put up the blank picture so we can Photoshop it ourselves with our own captions because I feel the need to waste 3 more days of my life working on that shit like I did with the Juanita one. Thanks in advance.

  203. WOW! I’m betting they can sing opera too! Look at the passion in those poses! I don’t actually know any opera words, so I’ll demonstrate with a little Aretha Franklin because she’s better than opera anyway. “R-E-S-P-E-C-T….”
    Maybe a little Gotye, “You didn’t have to cut me up….”
    OK – I’ll stop now – oh wait one more.
    or – Dorothy Moore, “…I should forget you. Heaven knows I tried….”
    WAIT – here is the perfect theme song for them:
    John Prime – …”Please don’t bury me down in that cold, cold ground. I’d rather have them cut me up and pass me all around…” (not that they want to be cut up, but the lyrics show how deeply they do not want to be buried.)
    They are very versatile in their music choices.

  207. OMG lady! you are killing me. Good thing my boss walked away before I crumpled into a big ball of hysterical laughter! <3

  209. My husband is with Julie K’s husband (comment 24). Maybe they need to start the Long Suffering Husbands Association. On the other hand, I know I keep my husband around because the entertainment, although rare, is excellent. And, instead of taxidermy, we collect bones: muntjac, sambar, serow, macaque, dog, and cat.

  211. “It’s like someone found the best fucked up taxidermy ever and decided to charge by the inch rather than by the awesome.” I think need that in a tattoo.

  214. Thank you for providing my at-work distractions today. Jefferson Peabody Meme’s it is!! PRAAAAAISE!!

  215. Please. Please. Please. Start Victor blogging his own thoughts. Cause they have got to be awesome. Half the time I’m reading this to hear stuff coming out of his mouth in reply to you. Favorite blog. Bar none.

  216. I never see taxidermy where I go. I guess in Mississippi they just eat whatever’s left over. I do have a store with a giant metal rooster down the street. He could be Jay Z. I’ll try to sent a picture

  217. Oh my gosh! Well day is made right there. Total bargain and also would have bought him in a second. Love him and you for making me smile! 😀 😀

  220. I wonder if Jefferson is somewhat offended at being relegated to a role as holla-back to a stuffed weasel?

  223. So fabulous….I’m a new reader/fan/obsessor, btw, and am midway through your book and actually know the region you mention as your home and am about to move back to a place, like, 40 miles from you, which is totally not what someone should say to a person with extreme anxiety, but maybe we could hide under desks together (I have Borderline Personality Disorder, so I’ll just mimic you, seriously). And soon my Juanita Weasel button will arrive, and I will wear it proudly, and doesn’t that just say everything. ::hug:: I think you are MADE OF AWESOME.

  230. I died. I saw the two of them together and I just DIED.

    I should know better than to read this blog at work.

  231. Holy shiz-nit Batman! That is either the coolest thing I’ve ever seen, or the creepiest! I’m really not sure which, but it matters not. It’s totally awesome. Congrats on the new member of the family.

  233. So, how much was the Affleck duck? Cause he is sort of cool and I would like to hang him over the door way…..coming into the Apartment.

  234. With Regard to comment #168: it’s South CONGRESS, not Lamar. I can’t be held responsible for my fingles when drinking.

  236. Love it! I actually laughed outloud. This is the perfect item to buy because when you look at it you smile. It pays for itself in happiness!

  237. Yep, that is pretty much all kinds of awesome. Jefferson Peabody is the perfect way to start Monday. Just can’t figure out why Texas ends up with all the awesome dead stuff? WHY?! I live in backwoods Georgia fer Chrissakes!

  238. Your husband is a saint. I would have been out on my ass years ago. That being said…that is so amazingly awesome. A few more and you could stage a zombie apocalypse or something.

  242. But……DID YOU GET THE MINIATURE PONY OR NOT?!? Sorry, didn’t mean to shout, I’m just getting anxious to know, since bidding finally ended.

  244. I agree with an earlier post-er that said he looks likes he’s singing. But it looks to me like he’s singing “Feelings….whoa, whoa, whoa feeeeeelings…..” And by the way, I can’t tell from the pictures—-what makes you so sure he’s a he and not a she? I kinda want photographic proof.

  247. Like Veronica, I am lamenting the fact that the thrift stores near me never seem to have dead animals for sale. I don’t think I’d buy one, but I would pose it in interesting places in the store and take its picture.

  248. The Small-Town, TX, it is a strange beast, y’all. In addition to a million Beyoncés of all shapes and sizes (including ducks, goats, pigs, and all this just at the large souped-up chain grocery store!), it makes signs that fill the heart with joy. A treasured memory of mine, the summer we moved to Paris, TX: a hand-lettered notice on the Burger King speaker that said, “Speaker is brock.” Yes sirree Bob – it DID. I won’t even tell y’all about the marquee sign outside the florist’s that said, “Tulips today – two lips tonight!”

  249. “Oh my GAWD! Did you SEE her shoes???” Yup, that’s the very first thing I thought.

    After giggling at Victor’s “motherfucking bargain hunter” comment. Heehee!

  253. I went all awesome with the Pony Danza magnet support love, because it has just the right amount of passive aggressive sarcasm I can use at my office, and made me snort with laughter, so I decided instantly “gifts!” And bought 5.

    Then they arrived, and I’m all “Yay!” And I opened it up and was all “noooooooooooooooooooooooo” in the best Juanita Weasel style I could muster, because those bastards at Zazzle didn’t properly resize the image to fit the 3 x 4 option.

    So now it’s just sarcasm with no meaning, and I found that was rather frustrating. So just thought I’d share the heads up with you to NOT buy the SMALLER magnet option! It’s all dressed up without a place to parh-tay, unlike Jefferson Peabody…

  258. Wasn’t Jefferson Peabody formerly a cartoon character with a top hat and cane? I LOVE his enthusiasm! This makes me want to hit some yard sales, because where I live there’d totally be some weird taxidermied shit.

  260. I love him! I never seem to find these types of treasures. I am happy to give him a home if the need arises.

  261. You know what I love?

    I love that moment at the end of all the funny when I scroll back up to the top and reread the title, and suddenly that’s funny, too! It’s like a bonus funny at the end (beginning) of all the other funny!

    “Easily Excited”, she says.

    HA HA HA HA!!! Love it!

  262. Can you pleeeeeeeeeease make a “I am fantastic” postcard? Please, please,please (with alcoholic cherries on top)?!

  263. How close are we getting to seeing stop animation? =) They would look really cute in a little show.

  265. abosfuckinglutely fabulous. jefferson peabody is perfect. does he need clothes? may i suggest a scarf. or cravat.

  267. @Susan D.
    And by the way, I can’t tell from the pictures—-what makes you so sure he’s a he and not a she? I kinda want photographic proof.

    Unfortunately for us, most reptiles have their reproductive organs on the inside so the only way to tell for sure is with an internal exam by a vet or a blood test. As little Jefferson Peabody has no more blood and can’t have an internal exam, we’ll just have to trust Jenny on this one. 🙂

  269. You really owe Victor a beer. No, you owe him a six pack. For that matter, I would be more than happy to buy him a round here in Houston. God knows he needs it.

    Love you anyway, Bloggess.

    His call – bar with western swing or a bar with punk. I’m not great on shades of grey. And red dresses just don’t work for me.

  270. Jefferson Peabody is a ROCK STAR, y’all. He totally needs some smoke, lights, and accessories.

  271. AHHHH!!! Sorry, but I feel a bit like you husband on this one… that thing gives me the heebie jeebies! O.o

    However, I understand that nothing in the whole world is half as awesome as retail therapy 🙂

  272. The first creature has been misidentified, he is absolutely NOT a reverse Mr. Tumnus, but rather a hornless Gump (see Return To Oz starring a young I-bind-you-Nancy), and JP is clearly screaming for someone to get the Gump a couch-body so he can fly.

  275. I really shouldn’t read this when I’m at work ….. but I can’t help myself. Luckily, the library is quiet right now and I was able to turn my snort of laughter into a semi-squelched-sneeze noise…..

    This newest addition to your family is quite the fantastic beast.

  276. You have opened my world to taxidermy, Jenny Lawson! I only thought major hunting conquests like deer and antelope were stuffed! Well, my grandpa had a stuffed pheasant. Anyway, I thought only fowl and deer-like animals were taxidermied. Now, I’ve been enlightened. I’m also really surprised that Victor is surprised/shocked by ANYTHING. I mean, really.

  278. This has absolutely NOTHING to do with the post, but has EVERYTHING to do with something I think you’d love.
    http://jezebel.com/5928322/meet-the-man-with-the-160-lb-scrotum
    I want to know if it jiggles.
    If I ever see this man on the street I am going to go up to him and ask, “Sir, may I touch your testicles?” and if he says no I am going to tap and run.
    Read your book by the way, it was FANTASTIC and led to my twelve year old cousin thinking I’m insane because I would laugh for fifteen minutes straight every few pages. I’m rambling, but serious check out the 160 pound scrotum.

  280. Oh, Christ on a motherfucking tricycle! I haven’t laughed that hard all month. I don’t know how I got here, but I never want to leave. You’re just that good.

  281. I don’t think you find these things. I think they find you. You are being stalked by dead animals!

  282. My husband will probably kill me if you and I ever meet because I KNOW we’d be the greatest of shopping-mates.
    And then we’d have to park our car on the driveway so that I could make a dead-animal museum in our garage.

  283. Sigh, I would love to have a taxidermied Polish chicken, it would be having a taxidermied Tina Turner or 80’s David Bowie in the house all the time. Without the chicken poop, or crowing. Who doesn’t love a chicken with an afro, or 80’s Hair band hair in the house ?
    http://search.aol.com/aol/image?q=polish+chicken&v_t=wscreen50-bb
    Here are some pretty pictures of the Polish that I just love.

  284. The best part is that he could also be yelling out of outrage. Like…. “WHERE ARE ALL THESE FUCKING LLAMAS COMING FROM?!? AND WHY ARE THEY SMOKING?? THERE IS NO SMOKING IN BARS ANYMORE, LLAMAS!!!! I’M SICK OF THESE MOTHAFUCKIN LLAMAS IN THIS MOTHAFUCKIN BAR!”

    It’s kind of a long tshirt though…

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  285. I imagine the alligator’s actually singing a very loud, operatic Broadway tune. Thus the jazz hands.

  287. I just have to say…when I see Jefferson Peabody with his arms outstretched I TOTALLY hear the voice of Regis in my head… it’s RUINED!

  288. I have a shitty, feeling-sorry-for-myself evening and then I saw this and promptly laughed until I made that weird squeaky noise. THANK YOU!

  289. i would love a big “i am fantastic” jefferson peabody pin for my shirt, please. actually, i would love three. oh, and a window cling for my bathroom mirror, please!

  290. I *strikethrough*blame*/strikethrough* *underline*thank*/underline* you for this mantra: I do not need to buy a baby octopus. I do not need to buy a baby octopus. I do not need to buy a baby octopus. but I wanna…. I do not need to buy a baby octopus. I do not need to buy a baby octopus. I do not need to buy a baby octopus.

    *sigh*

    thank you for being honest about your depression. You have helped me get through a very very dark time.

    sorry, you didn’t get your pony.

  291. Please make a magnet with “by the awesome” on it. However, may I request (very humbly and apologetically) that there not be any dead animals on it please? It wouldn’t be suitable for work. But a new metric measurement is totally necessary in the laboratory where I work. Please? pretty please? With a centimeter on top?

  294. You’re really going to have to stop adopting these creatures. At least you’re sticking to small stuff!

  295. Jenny, (I am going to just call you Jenny cause I think of you like a friend, and we would be on a first name basis I am sure if we ever met…I hope anyway…)
    I have to tell you, I have been reading your blog a while and more often than not I laugh so hard I cry and not like just normal cry, but cry so hard tears shoot out of my eyes uncontrollably and it really actually scares me a little cause sometimes I worry I won’t be able to stop…. anyway, this made me laugh that way! I just want to say thank you. I am currently reading your book too, and OMGosh I laugh out loud so often my kids come into my room to see what I am laughing about! Again thank you! Laughter is much needed in my life right now. I mean, we all need laughter all the time I know, but sometimes more than others, as you rightfully know. 🙂
    Sincerely,
    Kelly
    (and if we ever do meet, which I can only hope, please call me Ishmael, I mean Kelly)

  296. Oh please, how could anybody possibly pass that adorably impassioned little guy up? I mean, just look at him. You can imagine him belting out an operatic aria, or being in the midst of something hugely exciting, like spotting a new bakery in town; visiting an all-chocolate buffet; or having an orgasm (from the combined bakery products and chocolate buffet, of course). 😀

  297. I can’t even breathe I’m laughing so hard. Just finished your book and read aloud the bit about the water squirrels to my 19 year old son who was deeply engaged in playing some sort of psychotic game on his computer and he actually removed his headphones and laughed till he had tears running down his face. You are a marvel.

  298. I can’t believe you found the roof-raising alligator! It’s the only one missing from my collection now that I finally added the fist-pumping one last week.

  299. Ha ha ha! You made me laugh. And considering I’ve stopped taking my happy pills, that’s quite an accomplishment.

  300. Yeah, add me to the legion of readers who see him as a fabulous opera-singing alligator, complete with a top hat and cane. But not a monacle. That would be going too far.

  301. I’ve had a craptastic 2 weeks and just wanted to say thank you for making me (finally) laugh. My hope has been restored.

  302. So I don’t know if you came to Alabama on your fancy book signing extravaganza but if you did I missed it and will need the Tardis with a quickness, because I read your book yesterday and I think you’re magnificent.

  303. It looks more “praise Jesus” than raise the roof. Still, I have love for him. I bet you never thought that your baby Alligator would also be a holy roller.

  304. The apron? Fucking GENIUS!!!! I just ordered one & I kind of want to purposely sabotage a souffle while wearing it just for a great photo op.

  306. I love you and I can’t stop laughing. Please tell me there will be a photo statue soon. I’ll make room on my desk between Beyonce and Juanita.

  309. I was sitting here, traumatized after seeing a maggot crawl off my salad that I was having for dinner (made with lettuce I just bought yesterday and washed before I ate it), trying to think of ways to avoid ever eating again, and I stumble upon this. Thank you! Thank you for making me smile. You made me forget that I will need therapy for a little while.

  312. Sweet Jeebus, that’s amazing. I am constantly annoyed/awed by your ability to not only find awesome taxidermy, but awesome AFFORDABLE taxidermy. Victor should really appreciate what a bargain hunter you really are.

    Why the hell can’t I find thrift store alligators in South Carolina? It’s just not fair.

  313. I am wiping tears of laughter from my eyes… And this was a great birthday present blog… THANK YOU for being a little twisted ray of sunshine!!

  315. I live in Florida and I never run into cool shit like this. I love him!!

    ps. I’m mad ALL OVER AGAIN that you aren’t coming to Tampa. Your most awesomesauce fans are here.

  318. Also, thank you so much for fulfilling my dream of seeing a chupacabre. I have been DYING to see one for more than a year now. Stay awesome, Bloggess.

  319. This totally reminds me of a pic I saw on FB the other day with a dead lizard that said something like “a-reptile dysfunction.”

  320. OMG I. Can’t. Stop. Laughing!!! LOLOLOL!!!! Please bring these cards to Toronto. Please. I will buy a dozen. Seriously.

  321. That’s awesome. And even better is the combination with Juanita. I introduced a non-blogging friend to you and she has become a follower (I think she’s reading your entire archive or something) …so I will therefore have to send her that card. She will love it.

    You are such a giver!

  322. I almost now want to start collecting crazy taxidermy animals, even though they kind of scare me. I love that aligator he is so great. He will be a useful business investment for you I am so sure! Think of all the advertising you could do with him? He looks so happy always, business want their customers happy!

  325. I snort giggled until I almost peed my pants. Thanks for that! it’s been a rough few weeks, nothing like almost wetting ones self to cheer me up!

  328. It’s not often we’re graced with reptilian good looks, miniature adorableness and freakin’ JAZZ HANDS all in one bit of exquisite taxidermy. Hell yeah you had to take Jefferson home!

  329. Somehow this post slipped by me. So glad I went and checked your page and was able to experience the profundity of awesome that was just unleashed upon my being.

    I think Victor *might* be as funny as you are, Jenny. Does he REALLY say that shit, or do you just make him say it?

    And now I like alligators.

  330. Does Victor really curse that much, or is that added for comedic effect? And your neck of the world must be really nuts or I really need to get out more, because I have never run into taxidermied animals anywhere. It sounds like a magical life.

  331. I’m mistrusting zazzle’s reviews as I was looking at the ”Motherfucking Souffle magnet and one review was from missionaries ” giving out these magnets as prayer cards to go on the fridges of our friends. The response has been excellent!” Love the magnet though.

  332. We’re currently doing a lot of shopping for our new home, etc. My partner might once again be less than thrilled with my reading your blog since now I am totally going to use “by the awesome” as a term of measurement when we’re deciding what to spend.

    Love the new member of the family and that souffle card has been one of my favs for a long time.

  333. I immediately thought he looked like he should be singing Italian Opera. Also, I don’t know if I actually read this on your blog or if it is my imagination, but whenever you write conversations between you and Victor, I always hear his voice with a British accent…

  334. OMG!!! I want one!!!!! (I have little “toys” and mascots for my blog, because its a food blog, and if I eat the same thing a few days running, I put a mascot with it so my readers know I took the photo on a different day. I have some doozies (from thrift stores) but I have to say, the little aligator takes the prize as the most hilarious!!!) I’m new to your blog, and will be reading your book soon. Thank you SO much for this laugh today, and the laughs I know I’ll have as I continue to read your posts.

  335. Jefferson is singing “strumming my pain with his fingers!”. I’m sure of it. I feel like all us posters owe you $12 for the awesome post.

  338. How do you find these things?! He kinda reminds me of Fargo from Eureka.

  339. I need that screaming alligator like I needed the pink poochie stamp set as a kid!!! I’ll give you 15 whole dollars for it.

  340. @ tara pratt–have you ever tried to talk them down at uncommon objects???? It’s next to impossible… I once tried to talk them down on a melted wax manniquin they were selling for 150$… No go… They are proud of their merch. Go check out my half melted manniquin… She’s still there in the back corner before the special room starts. Sigh…

  341. I know find myself in the market for an Assaulting Duck that will yell, “HUG IT OUT, BITCHES!” in my mind.

  342. Not sure if you’re into it, but that alligator AND mouse look like perfect ravers to me. SO EXCITED FOR TECHNO! If you set up, Oh I don’t know, a miniature European Rave concert they would look fabulous in day-glow clothing and mini glow sticks. Just a thought, maybe for Halloween?

  344. Just finished your book, and just laughed my ass off at this post. My 3 boys ran over to the computer, took one look at the picture, and ALL STARTED YELLING, “I WANT THAT ALLIGATOR!” Ugh. So NOW I am going to HAVE to find one. And CERTAINLY, you bought the LAST ONE! By the way, my husband does not believe that you can laugh out loud while reading books. Whatever. Anyway, I laughed out loud while reading yours, and he was all, “Whatever you are reading cannot possibly be that funny.” So I started reading him stuff from your book and he would just get this stupid smirk on his face, and this particular smirk is what I call the ‘trying-not-to-laugh-but-it-really-is-funny’ smirk. Men.

  345. Jefferson Peabody is easily the awesomest awesome thing I have seen all year. True fact.

  349. My 9 year old took one look at the photo and screamed, “I WANT THAT TEE SHIRT!” So if you’re so inclined, you know, SOLD.

  350. Jefferson Peabody is super awesome, cute & yes he does look like he’s raising the roof! I have to admit that I too have been looking for little stuffed critters ever since I started reading your blog but unfortunately, I haven’t found a darn thing! I will fullfill this dream one day…

  351. I’m a little freaked out by taxidermy and dead animals in general and even I think this little guy is awesome. Great buy!

  352. So having finally seen the picture of Jefferson Peabody (we’re a little slow here, but we just got your book, and I decided to catch up…it’s been busy!) we found that we were in complete stitches over the picture of Juanita and Jefferson agonizing over the souffle. It has now become our favorite quote de jour and we found that infusing the second RUINED! with a Khanesque flavor a la Shatner seemed to bring out the agony even better. Seriously. I could totally see Shatner doing this. He did a really weird musical album with a trippy version of Bohemian Rhapsody, so why not souffle?
    Happiness is giggling over the book, by the way. I am an English teacher and can definitely appreciate the commentary. If I ever do get into a school system that is cool enough to let me get the book, and I do get any single malt, I will certainly send you some. Sadly, I have yet to find a school system that cool.
    That’s why I teach college.

  353. ps. Longest footnote that I have seen goes to Garrison Keillor. It went for days….

  354. I just discovered your blog yesterday through a pal and I haven’t stopped laughing since. There should be a contest where people could win a chance to go shopping with you. Seriously.

  355. I just read the chapter in your book about the magic squirrel. Laughed so hard I’m crying. Thanks so much for that! I am looking forward to the rest of the book.

  356. You have to check out eBay item 380458319243 – it’s Jefferson Peabody’s perfect bride! Just don’t let Victor see you, because she’s a bit more than $12. But a completely justifiable purchase, one feels …

  358. That damn ancient baby alligator is awesome! I quickly purchased the shirt so people knew I had enough self confidence to pull off a shirt that screams FANTASTIC with a picture of an ancient baby alligator on it. It makes for a nice conversation starter I think, except with weird people who would think I was the weird one for wearing a shirt with a baby alligator screaming FANTASTIC on it but I think those people probably would avoid talking to me and that is also kinda what I am going for.

  361. Hi Jenny,
    I just recently was introduced to your blog and may I just add that..I LOVE IT! I am now inspired to find my own furry stuffed friend and dress him/her (considered a squirrel with tutu). Though, I think following your blog and adventures may be more entertaining than creating my own. Thanks for the all the laughs!
    Jo

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