Hold me closer, Tony Danza

This weekend I spoke at the Texas Book Festival and it was very weird, but awesome.  Also, Tony Danza opened for me.  Or possibly Tony Danza headlined and I just randomly followed him.  Either way, it makes for a good conversation starter.  Also, when Tony Danza was walking backstage I gave him one of those knowing waves that you give to people that says “Oh, hello again, person-that-I-totally-know-very-well” so he had to stop and say hi just in case he really knew me, and then I sort of freaked him out unintentionally.

me to Tony Danza:  I once almost had this dead pony and I was going to name it Pony Danza so I could sing “Hold Me Closer, Pony Danza” to it.

Tony Danza:  Oh.

me:  But then I got outbid on the dead pony.

Tony Danza:  Ah.

me:  It had been dead for like a hundred years.  I didn’t ask them to kill a live pony.  I would never do that.

Tony:  I would never think that about you.

me:  Well, you don’t know me very well.

Then after Tony Danza left I realized that I never told him that the dead pony was taxidermied and wasn’t just an abandoned pony corpse.  So now Tony Danza probably thinks I have emotional issues and that I collect dead ponies.  And that is a sentence I never thought I’d write.

Hold me closer, Tony Danza.

PS.  A few hours later I ran into Tony Danza again and we rode around on golf carts together so I’m pretty sure we’re cool.  Or that Tony Danza really just likes riding around on golf carts with emotionally unstable women.  Hard to tell with golf carts.

PPS.  My new t-shirt.

 

270 thoughts on “Hold me closer, Tony Danza

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  1. AHHH!!! I live in Austin, and I was TOTALLY GOING TO GO TO THE BOOK FESTIVAL but then I didn’t think there was anyone I wanted to see speak. I WISH I HAD KNOWN YOU WERE SPEAKING–I WOULD HAVE COME!! Damn, now I feel cheated.

  2. Tony Danza seems like the kind of guy who would understand where you were coming from even if you didn’t fully voice it.

  3. First, you look pretty excellent in that pic.

    Second, the Twitter drama between you and Wil Wheaton recently was pretty damn hilarious…I mean really: Wil Wheaton was trying to find YOU at the Con. Because you’re that awesome, indeed. So now you have WW chasing you at conventions and Tony Danza opening your act…what’s next? HST gets his own reality show?

  4. Who DOESN’T like riding around on golf cards with emotionally unstable women? I’ve enjoyed many a golf cart ride with… myself. Crap.

  5. He DOES look slightly terrified inthe pic. But I’m sure thats not about you. Or maybe it is, but it’s DEFINITLY because of the dead pony. I’m pretty sure it’s because at this point in his career you are more famous that he is. And you liek to collect dead animals, so what does that say about HIM. Way to make Tony Danza feel insecure Jenny.

  6. I would have done the exact same thing as you. Or more likely I would have accidentally let a fart fly out at some inappropriate moment. These things happen to me.

  7. I think it’s pretty obvious to everyone that it’s Tony Danza whose weird if he doesn’t understand taxidermied horses. Obviously.

  8. similarly, my wife got an autograph from patrick stewart this weekend, and when she handed him the hand made drawing of herself and captain picard drinking tea, she said:

    wife: it’s me and you. we’re friends. we’re drinking tea. earl grey. hot.

    patrick stewart: oh. i would never have guessed. next.

    then we stood next to him for a photo which was more awkward than my first trip to the gynecologist. so yeah, good weekend all around!

  9. I just was telling my staff the story of how my first ever “Tiger Beat” pull out, that I put on my wall, was Tony Danza 😐

  10. I suppose he wouldn’t be too far off. Next time, bring Juanita with you. That’ll be a real conversation piece.

  11. …I don’t understand why he was at the Texas Book Festival. Did he come just to introduce you? Is he an author? I thought he was…an actor? Maybe? I’m going to stop now, I clearly need to spend some time googling stuff so I don’t sound so uniformed.

    (I really have no clue who he is though. I just thought I’d heard his name associated with a movie or something.)

  12. I love you. You make me so happy. I want to hug you in a very not too creepy way.

    Also, unrelated, but I love your outfit. I heart that shirt and necklace.

  13. So A) you look fantastic, and B) I was slightly disappointed when I clicked on the “new shirt” link, as I thought it might be a link to the darling top you have on in this photo. Hurrumph!

  14. You look like you’ve lost a lot of weight and you look awesome! I’ve never seen you in jeans before… Jean magic maybe? Either way you look really awesome!

  15. That is a situation I often find myself in. Seriously. I have to stop myself from writing about all of the Tony Danza run-ins I have in the suburbs.

  16. I have nothing to say about Tony Danza, I just have to say HOLY Frack you look fantastic!! Not that you looked awful before, just that you look even more amazing right now. I want to know your secret.

    Nah, that wasn’t too creepy, right? Ok.

  17. Laughed and snorted until I cried a little bit. I am SO glad I’m not the only one with “complete honesty syndrome”……which my sister accuses me of. When buying a pregnancy test at Wal-mart once I went into a complete description of how my husband had had a vasectomy, but if I WAS pregnant it would have been a failed vasectomy….I haven’t cheated, honest to god……until my sister finally whispered a vehement “SHUT UP” to me…..(test was negative…BTW)

  18. Okay, personally, that is the coolest story ever and you have an awesome picture to go along with it!! 😀

  19. oh my god. i am so stressed out right now i can’t hardly stand it and this made me laugh so hard. tears streaming down my face. thank god for you Jenny, never change. we need you just the way you are….

  20. i don’t care if i’m still sexually attracted to tony danza even though he may be old enough to be my dad. i’m too lazy to google whether that’s true or not. you lucky freaking woman.

  21. Every time I start to get jealous of your truly amazing celeb encounters and literary love, I remind myself that the Universe has a WHOLE LOT to make up for with you, and that you are only receiving a modest portion of what you are truly due. So of COURSE you get to ride around in golf carts with Tony Danza. It’s only right. 😀

  22. Someday you’ll get that taxidermied pony, and since you and Tony Danza are bff now, you’ll be able to call him up and you can walk him around whilst riding Pony Danza and you can sing and the universe will explode with awesomness.

  23. From the picture, its awesome by the way, it doenst look like you scared him too badly.

  24. I thought your new t-shirt would read, “Hold me closer, Pony Danza” !
    Cute story for sure.
    What are you dressing up as for Halloween? Looking forward to seeing that especially after the recently posted cat costume.
    Cheers!

  25. “Also, when Tony Danza was walking backstage I gave him one of those knowing waves that you give to people that says “Oh, hello again, person-that-I-totally-know-very-well” so he had to stop and say hi just in case he really knew me”

    “Tony: I would never think that about you.
    me: Well, you don’t know me very well.”

    Maybe you worked the first bit SO WELL he really DID think he knew you.
    You might’ve kinda undermined that with the last bit ;p

  26. If only you’d asked him to hold some twine. Or a lasso!

    That would be awesome. Now you have to meet him again so he can pose with a lasso.

  27. I have to know what it is he’s holding in his hand…
    Also, you’re wearing jeans!!! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a picture of you on here in jeans before.

  28. Danza has worked in Hollywood for decades and he before that he was a boxer; nothing you did could ever compare with those freak shows!

  29. Ha … Looks like Tony Danza is holding a gun. Well I guess he *IS* in Texas afterall. Carry on.

  30. You are TOOOOOO funny, Jenny. Love the golfcart bit – I could do that, just toss my bodywork table in the back and awaaaay we go. Keep the faith!

  31. Twelve-year-old Me is crying in the junior high bathroom over this; you are SO lucky. Do you think Tony Danza would substitute teach for me someday? So 44-year-old me could go cry in the bathroom…

  32. This cracked me up! Since the first person commented about your top, I’m going comment on your jeans. I’m always in the market for jeans, where’d you get them?

  33. It does look like perhaps he’s ready to inflict a blunt trauma to your head if you got that “SINCE I DON’T HAVE A DEAD PONY DANZA CORPSE, I’M JUST GONNA HAVE THE REAL THING” look in your eye…

    Either way…props for slightly freaking out Tony Danza, my little peach cobbler.

  34. ??My Little Tony, My Little Tony, My Little Tony Tale????
    I saw both you and Tony Saturday. Your reading was hysterical! I had to pass on the great advice – pretend you’re great at it!

  35. I’m a little disappointed, was so hoping the T-shirt read: Hold Me Close Pony Danza.
    Now that I would have invested in. Steal the idea, Jenny. Because I adore you!
    Love, your friend, Laurie F. in NY who is shivering in hysteria about the storm

  36. “Well, you don’t know me very well.” – zing! Great work, and as four thousand other people have already said, you’re looking fantastic.

  37. I like Tony Danza.
    He always seems like the friendly guy down the street. Even when I saw him on the Today show a couple weeks ago. I still thought that.
    He became a teacher and taught high school for a year. That’s what his book is about.
    It’s awesome that you guys hung out together.
    And now you both have a great story to tell about the weekend.

  38. OMG! You showed the guy from Who’s The Boss WHO’S BOSS!
    (Because let’s face it. Even if you did randomly follow him it’s not like anyone can prove it.)

  39. Phew, I was starting to worry about you after all those recent cat posts, but I see your looking great. Pony Danza, now that is going to be stuck in my head all day.
    -Gina-

  40. That’s awesome. We share the same socially awkward tendency toward inappropriate conversations when meeting new people. I crack jokes about suffocating children. Yeesh.

  41. Your blog is totally like The Secret..and whatever you write in there winds out coming true. You should write your next ten entries about there being like seven more Twilight movies and how scientists will one day soon discover that unicorn still exists.

  42. There are not words for how much I adorable you.
    Hold me close oh Pony Danza has entirely made my day.

  43. Well, if he didn’t know who you were before he CERTAINLY does NOW. I’ll bet he went straight to his iPhone and Googled you after the whole Pony Danza exchange.

  44. is he holding a taser? or a paper gun? or a nerf gun? because it kinda looks like he is. i love the t-shirt. i thought it would say, “hold me closer tony danza.” which i also love and is just fucking hilarious. and you look awesome!

  45. Why is Tony Danza not getting older? Shouldn’t he be like 100 by now? YOU look amazing – which is quite impressive since Mr. Danza is a wax figure who never ages. Kudos!!!

  46. I now can’t stop singing Hold me closer tony danza, and when my husband asks why, I keep trying to come up with a good lie because I was supposed to be doing work not reading blogs so i can’t say really why I have it in my head!

  47. So, since we’re on the topic of dead things and Tony Danza and songs involving his name…. I’m hoping you’ve had a chance to read Hold Me Closer, Necromancer by Lish McBride? It’s very, very funny. Her follow-up just came out: Necromancing the Stone.

    so good.

  48. Also it turns out there wasn’t any more to that Phoebe joke than the one you already made.

    As I’m sure is very clear, I spend my entire life extremely behind the times.

  49. I have to wonder if there’s a point where you’re so famous that the weird stories people tell you don’t even register anymore. I think that might be a thing. So on the plus side, he might not have even remembered what you said by the time you got to the golf carts. 🙂

  50. “Sad news. I met an unstable lady today with a penchant for collecting dead equines.”- Tony’s opening Monologue.

    Too bad his show got cancelled.

  51. No to be all superficial, but you look so cute! I love your hair, your outfit and your necklace- the whole look is casual fierce. Also, have you lost weight? You look great.

  52. I wish he would vacuum my curtains… oh wait. That sounded wrong.
    Oh, fuck it. You led off with a line about a dead pony and he still decided to get into the confines of a moving “vehicle” with you.

  53. LAUGHING LAUGHING LAUGHING OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And golf carts are awesome and for some reason give a person a lot of power at events and things… people lift up ropes for you if you’re in one. So, although I would LOVE to ride around in one with you for hours because you’re hysterical – I’m sad to say, that he might just be running low on Charles In Charge fumes and have been using you for the whole golf cart thing… but you never know. 😉 I’m guessing that’s not right… you know, Charles In Charge will last forever… and you’re awesome

  54. Many others have already said you look fantastic but can you really hear that too much? I think not. You look FANTASTIC Jenny!

  55. Do you think he recalls the line from “Friends”? I would TOTALLY sing that song to him, if I ever met him. And could sing.

  56. Now I’ve got that song stuck in my head, the real one, no the “Friends” version, no the real one… it all gets jumbled inside my head in a kinda sorta weird way. I bet Tony has heard way weirder stuff-I doubt it freaked him out… 😉 Congrats on hanging out with Tony. The song is still in my head…

  57. You look amazing! And I think this was probably the best conversation Tony Danza has ever had with a stranger, he’ll remember it always.

    And, are you really tall, or is Tony danza shorter than I’d imagined?

  58. Is that your book he is holding? Hope so, might explain where you are coming from a bit better 😉

  59. I love him! Saw him on ‘The Talk’ the other day and didn’t realise he’s now a teacher. Just hearing his enthusiasm for it got me out of my wtf-am-I-doing-with-my-life rut and into going back to college to study teaching.

    True story.
    I owe Tony Danza a Copernicus-hold for that light-bulb.

  60. You look amazing! And I’m sure that Tony Danza has had weirder things said to him…not many, but surely there are stranger people in the world…I tell myself that, because I’m a little off, too, so I want to believe that there are stranger people than me in this world.

  61. a bit off topic but what necklace are you wearing? it looks intriguing but can’t see it clearly and realized that I was staring too intently on your boobs and confusing my hubby. sorry about that, to both of you. just curious.

    (Thanks! It’s from Sandradan Jewelry: http://www.etsy.com/shop/sandrandan ~ Jenny)

  62. that echos conversations i have had all too closely. oops i left out the really important detail that made that seem not weird, oh wait its totally weird and maybe creepy, whyd i open my mouth kind of one sided conversations. AWKWARD! like when you thought it couldnt get much more awkward than junior highschool was kind of awkward. you are AWESOME!! thanks for being you 🙂

  63. Wow. Tony got old! It’s hard to picture him old. 🙁

    I think it’s really awesome that you combined three different medias into one awesome new song. That takes talent, girl, and even if you have talent, it can take you forever to get done!

  64. I’ve learned that it’s okay to be a little crazy and misunderstood as long as you LOOK good. And you do look good.

    He wouldn’t know what to do with a dead pony anyway.

  65. Tony D ain’t chopped liver in this photo, but you, girl, are looking FANTASTIC! And awkward– not so much. I went through a short odd but appropriate (at least in my mind) gifts-for-celebs phase. Watching them accept gracefully was a strong lesson in how to be a genuinely nice person.

  66. I just wanted to say, Jenny you are quite beautiful. You glow from the inside.

    Nope, not gay, married for 16 years. And I’m hormonal. All. The. Fricking. Time.

  67. Yes, he obviously doesn’t know you very well. Poor Tony. And I think he should be very flattered to hear something like that…right? Wanting dead ponies in his honour is good isn’t it?

    And even if it turns out he’s weird and likes riding around with emotionally unstable people on golf carts, doesn’t that make you guys cool anyway? Because he must admire your emotional instability and its hilarity?

  68. I can think of nothing better than riding around in golf carts with emotionally unstable women.

    Wait, that sounds wrong… :/

  69. I am constantly amazed at the “only you” moments you trip and fall into. You really do set the bar awfully high for the rest of us weirdo’s…*grin*

  70. “Count the head lice on the hiiiiiiigh-waaaaaaaaaay… ”

    Delighted to hear that you didn’t spend the Book Fair in the restroom, AND that you apparently went to the Con as well.

  71. Hope you had a great time at the Texas Book Festival. My husband was there some years ago with a book of his (yeah we’re two writers married to each other – exactly as good & bad as it sounds) and said it was pretty fabulous. I, of course, was home in NY with the kids & envious.

    Great photo by the way, you look radiant & Tony Danza only looks a little bit scared of you.

  72. Totally going to have that tune stuck in my head now with the new words… The photo is awesome! You are getting to do some really fun things, that is so cool.

  73. That Tony was willing to ride in a golf cart with you after that conversation shows he either totally understood you, or was very brave.

    I, too, would like to know what he is holding in his hand in the photo. A weapon to defend himself?

  74. glad you had a good time! and you DO look all sorts of skinny- and you look fantabulous! And if Tony Danza was your opening act he should’ve done internet research and it’s quite possible he already found out about Pony Danza after he googled his name and the link to the blog post came up.

  75. “…really just likes riding around on golf carts with emotionally unstable women.”

    Don’t we all?

  76. Oh yeah baby! One of the best Friends episodes. Phoebe would be jealous. And she probably would have also talked about something strange and scary upon meeting Tony Danza, albeit possibly less strange than dead ponies. . .

  77. This is the kind of random happenstance that only happens to the coolest people. also I feel really compelled to tell you that you look gorgeous in that picture.

  78. Oh. My. Gawd. Tony Danza. Golf carts. There’s a joke in here somewhere about showing him the 9th hole or something, but that’s better left unsaid, I guess. I love Tony Danza. He’s up there with John Schneider in terms of posters I had in my pink bedroom growing up in Texas. 🙂

  79. Well, can’t say you never had an interesting conversation with Tony Danza…

    I bet he will now start a blog about “riding around on golf carts with emotionally unstable women” that will reinvigorate his career..

    gotta luv the internet!!

  80. I really need to share your blog with my husband. He thinks I’m insanely random and there is no one else who could EVER see things the way I do…….so you see………

  81. You look FABULOUS! And so does Tony. What a great pic! And a hysterically funny story! I love living vicariously through your awkward conversations.

  82. I adore you… I often imagine what it would be like to actually have a conversation with you.. how entertaing THAT would be 🙂

  83. Tony Danza has this look on his face like : I can’t see one of her hands, where is her other hand???

  84. So that’s the key, huh? Just act like you already know them? I guess they meet so many people they lose track. Noted. Look out Colin Farrell.

    Also? You look fabulous. Oh, I see someone already said that. Because it’s TRUE, that’s why.

  85. I think you always look beautiful but you are exceptionally beautiful in this pic. Also, you are like me, you analyze everything you say after the conversation and then wonder what the other person thinks. I’m pretty sure most people think I’m loopy…..I’m ok with this. 🙂

  86. You look radiant in this picture. I hope it’s all real-radiant and you are feeling all-around spectacular.

  87. Wow! And I thought I had foot-in-mouth problems. When I met a famous news anchor once, I said “Oh my god, you are so short!” (he was like 4’10” with lifts in his shoes.) And then, because my FIM disorder is chronic I added on “which is so tragic, because your even your voice sounds tall.” I agree – blouse is lovely.

  88. What is that in the hand that is not grabbing you? You were probably in danger and didn’t even know it…good thing that photographer showed up.

  89. I was looking over the internet and found this: http://theworstthingsforsale.com.

    You’ve probably already seen it but I thought you’d appreciate it. I was disappointed that everything seemed fairly normal. Of course, then I got to the inflatable unicorn horn for cats and the gigantic inflatable penis costume, but that’s still kind of within the bounds of normal. So far, they haven’t featured anything even slightly like Pony Danza. I are disappoint.

  90. Okay, that shirt, is seriously cute! Also, I probably would have said something much worse than that and then run away when I saw him next so I never would have been able to straighten things out. You know, if security didn’t escort me out of the building while I was talking to him.

  91. I hope you also said something like, “So, are you speaking first or am I? Who’s in charge here? Or, I guess what I’m trying to ask is… Who’s The Boss?”

  92. He isn’t even giving you the, take the photo with the crazy lady before she dons the tinfoil hat and then eats you look. I would have got thay look. And then crashed the golf cart cause that’s how I roll, having been kicked off the course the two times I have gone. Glad you are awesome enough to not get kicked out and to meet cool celebrities! You rock!

  93. That’s outstanding. Lucky Tony Danza! I see a taxidermied something-or-other with his name on it in your future. Maybe he’ll even send you a pony!

  94. Did you get skinnier? You look thin. You need cupcakes. Maybe it’s just perspective, like you’re being dwarfed by the Danza. He needs cupcakes too.

  95. He looks good for a guy who was teaching in an inner city school….no overt scars running down one cheek. Still, I have to say YOU look better than him. No. Really. You do.

    Too bad you didn’t have a ball of twine, or a stapler, or some random piece of desk equipment handy. I’m sure he would’ve held it for you….unlike Nathan What’s-His-Name who’s just a self-absorbed stick in the mud.

    I’m just sayin’……..

  96. http://www.etsy.com/listing/113258180/taxidermy-peeking-mouse-necklace

    1) This is not spam. This is a legitimate comment. 2) I guess that sounds like something really clever spam would say. 3) This really isn’t spam. 4) I don’t know what you want me to do to prove it, JESUS CHRIST I AM A HUMAN POSTING A COMMENT ON YOUR BLOG, JENNY. I’VE READ YOUR BOOK AND EVERYTHING. 4)<—I put four again on purpose because I'm pretty sure a spam designer wouldn't do that. 5 or 6) Just please click on the link because I'm a dedicated reader who found something I think you desperately need. 7) I apologize to Victor in advance. 8) Thank you for being so wonderful, by the by. 9) Especially about all the depression related issues, it really means a lot to me and I'm sure countless others to have such a witty, wonderful person raising awareness and becoming a proponent for tolerance both from the outside world and of and/or for our anxiety-ridden selves. 10) THIS IS NOT SPAM. 11) But if it was, wouldn't it be the best spam ever? 'Cause there's no way you're not clicking on the link now. 12) Go ahead, click it. I'm done now, I promise.

  97. On a totally related stalker-esque note, I am currently sewing a quilt featuring a pixellated version of Tony Danza’s face and the words “You’re the Boss.” If all goes according to plan, I’ll show it to him at the Atlanta Book Festival and he’ll agree to autograph it, at which point I will fall on the ground in paroxysms of nerdiness.

    You’re welcome.

  98. I love reading your posts, they seriously make me laugh almost everyday. (Hopefully in the golf cart you were able to clarify the whole taxidermy thing.)

  99. My God, I love you people. I have actually lost 27 pounds in the last three months through a combination of slim fast and mental illness.

    PS. The tiger came from target and was $10.

  100. I just finished your book. I read it at the gym, and kept getting funny looks every time it made me burst out loud laughing. Can’t wait to keep following your blog.

  101. I met comic book artist and escapist S. Von Gorman over the weekend, and, like you, I’m quite sure my word vomit made me look like a complete and totally psycho in front of him. (I even yelled “If you’re looking for the rabbit, it’s dead!” at him. I kick ass.

  102. It so great to hear you this weekend in Austin and attend your book signing. You are such a sweetie! And having Copernicus in attendance was treat, totally bragged about it at work.

  103. Muhaha – I bet you haven’t been the only one making that “Hold me closer Tony Danza” reference, but you probably were the only one to freak him out with a dead pony named after him! 😉 But something like that could totally happen to me, I have a serious case of “Mouth operates faster than brain” too =)

  104. Great. “Hold me closer Pony Danza” has now been running in a loop through my brain for 3 days.

  105. I bet no one in the history of writing ever thought they would write that sentence. But I’m glad it was written because it’s perfect!

  106. Just wanted to say how awesome it is that you got to meet the real life Tony Danza – and you look great!!!

  107. #1) You look fanfuckingtastic. And happy! But how could you not be happy standing next to Tony Danza?

    B) Did you ask him who the boss is? For some reason I feel like I wouldn’t be able to help myself; even if it got me punched i’m the junk.

  108. Thanks for making me laugh out loud in the middle of the Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport and loose all my street cred. Oh wait… My Star Wars t-shirt probably took care of that already. Oh well, thanks for making me laugh. 🙂

  109. Well, this is upsetting. I tried to order the shirt, and Zazzle won’t sell it because it infringes on TD’s alleged celebrity. Balls to you, Zazzle. Balls to you.

  110. My mouth actually dropped open in astonishment at this post – only moments before I laughed until I cried of course. I so want to know what Tony Danza told people about that encounter.

  111. This is totally random, but your title “Hold me Closer, Tony Danza” Is that from the book… “Hold me Closer, Necromancer”? Cause that was an awesome book! And you should read it… If you haven’t already 🙂

  112. Interestingly, replacing Tony Danza with Matt LeBlanc in the conversation works just as well. the pun names do fail. Sometimes compromise is necessary.

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