Gravity's still working

You know when you run into a wall that has been there for literally the entire time you’ve lived in your house and you practically knock yourself out running into it, and then your husband comes in and instead of helping you up he just sighs and shakes his head like “This?  Again?”  And then you’re all, “Gravity’s still working” and he looks baffled and so you painstakingly explain “The gravity is still on.  I just checked.  YOU’RE WELCOME” and then he looks even more confused than usual?

My whole life is made of those moments.

*********

And in other news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

(Image courtesy of the Magnificent Mr. Shaw.)

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by Just a Drop – featured on Dr. Oz. From the creators: “Just a Drop is the revolutionary personal bathroom odor eliminator that works BEFORE you go.  Simply place a drop into the toilet BEFORE you go and Just a Drop forms a seal on the surface of the water preventing any foul odors from escaping into the air.  Made from plant extract and safe for the environment.”

 

145 thoughts on “Gravity's still working

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  1. I am constantly running into walls. And also banging my hands on door frames. It’s like they haven’t been attached to my body my entire life.

    Unfortunately my children have also inherited my clumsiness.

    Or my need to check on gravity.

  2. Haha! My husband has the same response towards all of my klutziness now. When we were first married, he would be so concerned when I would hurt myself, and now, he is just so very used to it!

  3. 2 weeks ago when part of our furnace exploded and filled our house with stinky smoke, in the dead of winter, I had to prop open the kitchen door to get airflow (no screens in the winter). To keep curious cats from going outside, I decided to close this neat little half-door the separates the kitchen from the rest of the house.
    I never use it.
    Guess who rammed right the fuck into it less than 5 minutes after closing it?

    Yeah.

  4. I had to call my husband this morning to come an help me b/c I got toothpaste in my eye. I have no idea how the hell that happened. Word to the wise – if you ever need to stop an intruder dead in their tracks squirt toothpaste into their eyes. It hurts like a MoFo.
    So yes, I completely understand those moments.

  5. Gravity failing is why the wife lets the pets sleep on the bed. If gravity fails then the quilt stays because the pets hold it in place. At least that’s the excuse she uses 🙂
    It needs to be tested regularly to make sure its still there

  6. Ha ha I saw this post tweeted and my first thought was, uh-oh, what did you trip over??

    I run into doors all the time – but my excuse is, they move. And then my husband pokes my bruises because he’s SO SYMPATHETIC.

  7. I used to have an enemy: a coffee table in our living room. I had bruises on my tights all the time.
    The table is now gone. I am left with bruises on my arms from door handles.

  8. …And in the process you’ve checked that the fabric of the universe is holding itself together. If you’d been able to run *through* a wall that had always been there, well, you’d know you were in trouble…

  9. I did this once and I hit the corner of the wall SO HARD that I got such a HUGE goose egg and an ugly black eye that I could no go in public for a week for fear of freaking people out. AND, I still have a “dent” in my eyebrow from the encounter. UGH.

  10. In addition to your proof that gravity is still at work, I also have scientific evidence that inanimate objects are secretly conspiring to plan my untimely demise, but only at certain times of the month. It can’t be coincidence.

    It could be happening to you, too.

  11. I’m never clever enough to explain the bruises on my shins from walking into the coffee table every gorramed day of my life.

    OTOH, I do trip over my own feet / dust / thin air so often that I’ve decided that I am tripping over the dead bodies of the Silence. I mean, the Doctor told us to start killing them all in 1969, but he didn’t tell us what to do with said bodies. I assume they’ve been piling up in the 40+ years since then, so they’re everywhere.

  12. Thank you. Just thank you. Some days need more crazy laughter than others, and you are always there to provide it.

  13. There is a giant, red, white & blue rooster near where I live and I think he needs to meet Beyonce. I think about her when I drive by it.

  14. Sadly all the links to the Dr. Who mini episodes are non functional, at least for me. I was so excited but then I just wanted to run full tilt into a wall.

    I try to emulate you in all things.

  15. I have no doors in my house for just this reason. It does make going to the ladies room awkward when there are guests over though.

  16. My mom used to never believe me when I said “I don’t know” in response to her asking me how I got various bruises and cuts. But it was really true – I would fall over and run into things so often that the resulting injuries didn’t even register in my brain anymore. Unless I broke something.

  17. The gravity was disabled at my house the other day. That’s what I get for using the leftover dried up mushrooms I found leftover from my childhood to garnish my salad.

  18. Totally stealing that. I run into stuff all the time. I’ll find bruises on myself and my husband’s like, “Where did you get that?” My response, “I have no idea.” It’s true, no clue. Glad I’m not the only one.

  19. I believe Eminem had the same realization a few years ago.

    That WTFEvolution page is hilarious.

    P.S. Bought your book, had it delivered. I’m very curious but I am forcing myself to finish my current book before starting yours. Wouldn’t be fair otherwise.

  20. Oh course it is still working….my boobs testify to that every moment of the day. (except when I am in a pool) then it disappears and I am happy, but hubby said I could not live in the water all the time. Glad it is working where you live too.

  21. It’s all your fault that I just watched slug porn. For the rest of the day that rope of mucus is going to keep appearing randomly in my head. Noooooooooo!

  22. Why doesn’t anyone ever appreciate when we check to make sure gravity is still working for them? No one in my house appreciates it either.

  23. Yeah, that’s frequently my method of self defense. Confuse him worse so he can’t make fun of me anymore. Or at least go to the point where I’m laughing madly and further conversation is futile.

    I love the image that Mr. Shaw did for you.

    So….did the Just a Drop folks like, know, when they handed you money? Because I think it’s an awesome sponsorship, but I just wondered.

  24. Some people just don’t appreciate the pursuit of science, Jenny.
    I don’t know about you, but the walls in my house reconfigure every few days, so gravity is the least of my problems…

  25. Gravity is indeed working. I was reminded lately when, after losing almost fifty pounds, my pancake boobs flopped out beneath my UNDERwire. You know, the wire whose entire job is to stay UNDER my boobs?

    Sigh.

  26. My father-in-law built a gravity alarm many years ago. If gravity fails, the bowling ball rises, and the buzzers alert. I feel so safe.

  27. Ah, the practical applications of physics! I test for gravity when my husband is lying on the floor and I jump on him from the couch yelling ‘GRAVITY!’ I figure, it’s not my fault that I land on him, it’s the gravity that’s pulling me down. He doesn’t think it’s half as funny as I do.

  28. I’m totally going to steal that the next time I fall, which is inevitably soon. Am I a total dork that can’t stay upright to save my life? Nope. I’m a frickin genius checking on gravity for the safety of others. I love it!!

  29. In my house we call it “the clumsy times”. Happens on a rotating monthly basis. Its how the boyfriend knows whats happening.

  30. I miss doorways all the time. This one time I gave myself a DIY nose job. Turned a little too quickly while standing a little too close to the doorjamb. CRACK! In my own defense, my nose does stick out kind of far.

    I can’t believe you didn’t include my workout video shot entirely on location in Target in your “shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with…” section. Maybe if I had done it naked…

  31. I read “weekly wrap up” as “weekly strap on”.

    In fairness, I’ve just woken up having fallen asleep in front of the TV.

  32. Thank you so much for making sure gravity is till working. You have no idea how often I wake up in the middle of the night frightened that I will float off the face of the earth.

    Also, random evolutionary fact for you: Evolutionists believe that the uakari has a red face because when primates first developed stereoscopic vision, they were attracted to the color red since it usually led to fruit. Plus, red is sexy. Nuff said.

  33. I think I will use “Just a Drop” to test the gravity in our house. I wonder if I can purchase it by the gallon and spread it around my bulldog, Wonderbutt’s, Poop Pen? Or, maybe I can just apply it directly to his bottom?

  34. God, again, so glad I’m not the only one doing this shit. Last year I was going through the kitchen doorway & managed to walk IN TO the damn woodwork, miscalculating the turn by at least 2 inches. I cracked my head so hard that I thought I had a concussion & went to have it checked. Everything was “Normal”, whatever that is.
    Oh, and whatever you do, don’t leave a hammer on top of a ladder while you’re movig it, cuz it will totally try to do a Marcia Brady football number on your nose.

  35. Okay now this drop in the toilet thing. How does it deal with the poop smell that builds up as the poop is falling to the toilet bowl? I mean there is a gap there isn’t there.

  36. So you are telling me my daughter is going to be you when she grows up? We have lived in this house since before she was born and she still can’t make it through the doorways without flat out hitting the wall right next to the door or at the very least taking out the trim around the door. Hope she writes an awesome book and can support me in my old age. 😉
    I also have a suggestion for your Zazzle shop, would it be possible to sell your cards by the box, only one of each card in the box. Same with the buttons. I would buy a box or two since it would involve one purchase versus having to click on each card to purchase individually. Why yes, I am lazy, thanks for asking. 😉 Love ya.

  37. In response to comment #2…. Yes, actually it is!!!! Gravity is uneven, based on the density of rocks on the surface of the earth, so it’s stronger in Texas than it is, for example, closer to the middle of the US. (not entirely sure if I explained that correctly, but I learned this from a link in a tweet from @tweetsauce on twitter. Sorry that’s so vague.)

  38. Is there something wrong with me that I think the funniest part of this is the sponsor? They don’t need to test this on cute, giggling women on Oprah. They need to test this on teenage boys and farting men who eat too much meat, queso dip with pinto beans, and other things with packaging that has warnings about anal leakage.

    ps – I find it endearing that you walk into walls in your own home. Who doesn’t? It builds character … or something.

  39. My Husband tries to turn a light switch on that doesn’t exist every time he enters our kitchen. We’ve lived here for 5 years. I sympathize with Victor for the first time ever. I feel this means I’m getting too tightly wound for my own good.

  40. I going to remember that line for the next time I trip over something. “Gravity’s still working. You’re welcome.

    Awesome.

  41. I know exactly what you mean. My husband never appriciates those little things I do for him either… it’s like he thinks these things will just check themselves. *shakes head* men.

  42. Thank you for the linking to WTF evolution. That shit is awesome. And… sometimes walls just jump in front of me. Not even near doorways.

  43. Just a Drop – I’ve read that pretty much any essential oil will work the same way. Whew. Now that information isn’t clogging up my brain anymore, trying to get out.

  44. This would be when my husband helpfully says “Gravity is law, not a suggestion.”

    On a happier note, my older brother would miss doors on purpose to make us ROFL. Best babysitter ever.

  45. This is a great comfort to me. Today I had a long conversation with myself explaining how I can actually see out the rear view mirror when it is tipped down to reflect only the back seat.

  46. Due to my frequency of walking into doors, My husband actually suggested that it would be best if I walked around with knee pads and a helmet so i dont get long lasting concussion symptoms. Also, i just ripped the tip of my toe off walking past my pug’s bone that he selfishly left on the floor. Seriously, gravity and my asshole pugs are killing me. I can feel my heartbeat in my toe.

  47. I love that this post is sponsored by… Just a Drop. I love that Jenny didn’t crack any jokes here as they are thoroughly unnecessary for…Just a Drop.

  48. Technically, If you run into something, you are likely testing Inertia is working, not gravity, unless running into it makes you fall down… 🙂

  49. You made my day with the “just a drop.” Dr. Oz really knows his shit. There goes my fear of shitting in other people’s bathrooms. 🙂

  50. I’ve walked through our sliding screen door enough times that my husband actually removed the entire thing. He would ask why, but the answer was always the same… I was checking to see if I could walk through walls yet. Guess not. 🙁

  51. Ha! I’m CONSTANTLY running into walls (and furniture, etc). Now my son has started running into door frames, too. My husband always gives me “that” look, too; I’m totally using your “gravity’s still working” line next time.

  52. My husband would have said “you’re taking yourself to get stitches this time. I’m tired of how they look at me.”

  53. The other day I fell up the stairs again. Up. Again. WTF. I think there’s a zero gravity switch in my house and someone is screwing with me.

  54. I personally am a fan of that old excuse, ‘Hey, the ground look sad and I’m a nice person, I had to high-five it!’
    Don’t worry, I too am one of those people who lacks simple co-ordination (or is it just memory? Should I really be expected to remember that I put my handbag by my feet when I sat down, though?).

  55. Walking into walls, tripping over edges that aren’t there, sliding on the floor where everyone else can walk perfectly fine, I hear ya!

  56. thank goodness you still had your wits about you after the collision and didn’t let a bump on the head alter your perception of gravity for the rest of us. It would be hard to explain to all my friends (well acquaintances) why they all started to float into space….

  57. Boobs falling to the ground. Stretching out like tennis balls in socks. Falling behind my back and having to be hauled up the side of me with pulleys and levers. That is what I thought this post was going to be about when I read the title “Gravity’s still working” I will say that I do also have experience running into doors. So now I will use the gravity check as an explanation. As usual…thanks!!!

  58. I check to see if gravity is working all the time. My husband just thinks I’m clumsy but I’m not, I’m really doing him a favor. 🙂

  59. I am very good about doing regular gravity checks for my family too. I think they should write me thank you notes.
    Carrie from Just Mildly Medicated

  60. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve run into stationary objects. I immediately jump to “my contacts are fuzzy, it’s messing with my depth perception.” Everyone knows I’m just a clown.

  61. My gravity checks usually involve dropping expensive fragile things. Like my iPhone. Again.

    And the unexplained bruises? No idea. Have them all the time. Genuinely haven’t a clue where they came from.

  62. Oh hell, I don’t even need a wall. I trip over my own two feet all day long. But I will tell you what’s been getting me lately – toddler gates. I try to step over them and typically end up tripping and going down into a heap. They should come with some type of warning: “Unless you’re an Olympic hurdler, do not attempt to jump over.”

  63. After watching little children just learning how to ice skate play hockey all weekend I too can attest that gravity is still turned on. It’s a good thing those kids wear pads and helmets. It’s something that you might want to look into. Pads and helmets could prevent injury to yourself while testing Newton’s basic laws of physics.

  64. Apparently your blog-love has a down side. It appears that all the attention has caused all the Dr. Who mini-episodes to be pulled for copyright infringement.

  65. I have a long history of walking into things. If my (ex)husband witnessed it, he would nicely say, “we just put that there.”

  66. Run into walls, then turn around and run into them again. Fall up the stairs and collapse after standing. Awe yes gravity is a wonder I want punished.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate,
    Tiffany

  67. Um, I totally feel like your hoo-ha is getting tentanus from sitting like that on Beyonce. It’s disturbing.

  68. Dr. Oz features snake oil with the same fervor as real medical information. Getting sponsored by something he featured may sound good to the sheep but I’ve seen email accounts hacked and used to virally spread links selling products he’s “featured.” Next, he’ll be promoting cures for three-inch white hairs on your forehead and who knows where that could lead?

  69. Is this where I can thank you for just making me feel like it’s ok to deal with sometimes crippling depression and to believe that normal is a fruitless and (let’s be honest) stupid pursuit? You make me feel that way and I am grateful.

  70. I run into the corner of our couch almost every day. My whole side of my very large thigh is bruised up because of it. And every time, my lovely husbands says “Watch out, we just loved that couch there!” thinking he is hysterical.

    He’s not.

  71. I run into the corner of our couch(that hasn’t been moved since we got it) every single day. My very large thigh is bruised up constantly because of this. And every time my husband says “Watch out, I just moved that couch there!” thinking he is funny.

    He is not.

  72. You and my boss have that in common, then. Every time he runs into a wall in our office, I think to myself, “If we ever get to design a new office space, I’m totally getting all the corners rounded off the walls.” I have also had to discreetly text him not once, but TWICE to alert him to the fact that he evidently walked under a pooping bird at exactly the wrong time, as there was avian dookie on the back of his shirt.

  73. I do gravity checks all the time!! And mine are totally unappreciated too. Just watch: One day we’ll forget to check; the gravity will go out and THEY’LL BE SORRY!! Won’t they!?!?!

  74. This is kind of like that time I ran into the (glass) door at work. Except I work in a restaurant, so my husband missed out. The guests all saw though. Then I went home early. Because I’d knocked my tooth (mostly) out of socket. The next day (after working! at a restaurant! with a painful and embarrassing lisp!) the dentist put a brace on my tooth that stayed for two months. My tooth is still just a little off kilter. ????

  75. I was all excited for an extra dose of Dr. Who! Boohoo is more like it now. I hate YouTube some times!

    As far as walking into walls? Yeah, all the time. I usually hit the corners though, trying to take them a little too sharply I guess. I’ve not turned around and walked full on into a wall. That takes a special kind of person. 🙂 You are indeed very special.

  76. Husband calls me the Epitome of Poise and Grace. Ususally right after I walk into a wall or trip over my own feet. Snort.

  77. I like to check for gravity when I’m walking down the stairs. I take extra care to put in one final step even when the floor is now level. Slamming your foot into the floor because you were expecting to reach it 7 inches later, is great for the knees – or so I hear

  78. Damn. I read gravity as “gravy” and now I really want some gravy with mashed potatoes. Fail.

  79. Oh no! Glad you are alright- and I’m stealing that whole “gravity is working” thing because if it’s not me falling, it’s something that I’ve just randomly decided I don’t want to hold anymore. I am the Queen of Dropping Shit.

    Oh and I’ve been cracking up at wtfevolution for the last half hour. Thank you for sharing that!!

  80. Ok Jenny this one sooooooooo utterly freaking sounds like me OMG! Seriously except I don’t usually walk into walls, I seem to catch my foot on EVERYTHING! My poor husband has learned to do the same as Victor, simply sits there and shakes his head as I am trying my utmost not to cry over the again broken toe or foot. At this point I have broken my toes and feet so many times they are frightening to look at, and I try to! Ew! Feet are ugly anyway lol. But seriously, you know the little metal corner piece on your box spring of your bed? Ours sits on the floor, and you know how tight it is to the box spring right? No one could possibly get anything between that metal plate and the box spring right? WRONG! I was walking past, not anywhere near as far as I can tell, when I somehow managed to catch my baby toe INSIDE THE FREAKING METAL CORNER! UGh I almost ripped my toe off, not only did I break my already ugly baby toe but I fractured the stinking top of my foot as well. Only me. Well and maybe someone else out there has the same issue where inanimate objects jump out and grab your feet?? Love you Jenny thank you for being awesome! You make my day!

  81. For some unknown reason, my husband enjoys reminding me of the time I was sitting down and fell over onto the floor – stone cold sober. Hey – better than falling off a ladder.

  82. Thank you for introducing us to WTFevolution. We’re having a lot of “learning-time” fun with it. *GOBLIN SHARK!!! eeeeeek!*

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