And that’s the best way to respond to: “WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE?”

in Random Crap

Conversation with Victor after the 40,000th time I failed to answer my phone:

Victor:  I AM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU.  WHY DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING ANSWER YOUR PHONE WHEN I CALL YOU?

me:  I didn’t hear it because I was too busy yelling at some idiot who claimed that you weren’t the most understanding and patient husband in the world.

Victor:  I…don’t even know what to say to that.

me:  You should probably just say “Thank you.”

 

The 40,001st time I failed to answer my phone:

Victor:  AAAAH.  IT’S A PHONE, JENNY.  JUST ANSWER IT.

me:  *mumble mumble*

Victor:  What?  What are you saying?

me: *mumble mumble*

Victor:  WHAT?

me: That was me practicing what it would sound like if I was gagged and bound and finally answered the phone with my nose to tell you which abandoned warehouse I was stuck in.  And you failed.

Victor:  WHAT?

me:  Because maybe that’s why I wasn’t answering my phone.  Maybe it was to make this drill seem more realistic.  I can’t just reach my phone immediately if I’m tied up.  IT TAKES FINESSE.

Victor:  You’re killing me here.

me:  It won’t always be a drill, Victor.  Get your shit together.

 

The 40,002nd time:

Victor:  YOU HAVEN’T ANSWERED YOUR PHONE IN HOURS.  I’VE BEEN WORRIED SICK THAT YOU’D BEEN MANGLED IN AN ACCIDENT.

me:  But I wasn’t.  I just turned the ringer off accidentally.  You must be very relieved.

Victor:  RELIEVED?  I’M PISSED.

me:  Well, that’s really the very opposite emotion to have when finding out that your wife is less-mangled-than-expected.  I think maybe you need to re-prioritize and call me back when you’re less confusing and ready to apologize.

 

The 40,003rd time:

Victor: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED?  WHAT IF I JUST NEVER ANSWERED YOUR CALLS?

me:  Hello.  I just found this phone.  I’m not Jenny.

Victor:  I FUCKING KNOW IT’S YOU.

me:  The girl who dropped this phone is inside a flaming building saving orphans. She told me to hold her phone for her in case you called.  How are you?

Victor:  Seriously, why can’t you just answer your phone?

me:  Why is the sky blue?  Why can’t they just make orphans fire-proof?  Frankly, we could ask these questions all day, but the main point is that your wife is a hero and you should probably bring her some egg rolls on your way home because I bet she’d like that.

 

The 40,004th time:

Victor:  AAAAARGH!

me:  You know, at this point it’s sort of your fault for expecting me to answer the phone at all.  It’s not like I haven’t set a precedent.

Victor:  JUST ANSWER YOUR DAMN PHONE.

me:  Technically if I answered right away the first time you called it would be totally out of character and would probably be a sign that I was being held hostage or something.  We should have code words so that if I ever need to talk to you in front of kidnappers you’ll understand me.

Victor:  I already don’t understand you.

me:  That’s why it’s good we’re having this conversation now.

 

The 40,005th time:

Victor:  I’m going to duct tape your phone to your ankle.

me:  That would make it very hard to talk to you.  I’m not really that flexible.

Victor:  But at least you’d answer the phone.

me:  Technically the doctor would probably answer the phone.

Victor:  What?

me:  Because I’m allergic to the latex in tape and I’d probably have a massive reaction and then I’d have to go the hospital and then they’d call the police because normal husbands don’t stick poisonous tape to their wives like some sort of deadly ankle-monitor.  And then you’d have to explain that to the police.  Who would be talking to you from my ankle.  Which would just be weird for all of us.

 

The 40,006th time:

Victor:  WHAT IF I WAS DEAD?  WHAT IF THIS WAS THE POLICE CALLING TO TELL YOU I JUST DIED?

me:  Well, that would be very depressing.

Victor:  Yes, but you’d never know because you never answer your phone.

me:  You can’t begrudge me a few extra hours of blissful ignorance.  Why are you in such a hurry to make me grieve for you?  It’s not like you’re getting any less dead, Victor.

 

The 40,007th time:

me:  OH MY GOD, DON’T YELL AT ME.  I DIDN’T EVEN HEAR IT RING BEFORE.

Victor:  Um…this is actually the first time I’ve called you today.  You actually picked up the phone the first time I called.

me:  Seriously?  That’s so weird.

Victor:  I know.  I’m so shocked that you answered that I don’t even remember why I called anymore.  My mind has gone utterly blank.

me:  Awesome.  I think we just switched bodies.

 

********

On an entirely personal note, this week has been sort of shitty, and if things keep going the way they have been I suspect that by Saturday kittens will go extinct and I’ll have my face eaten off by horses.  But just when I was feeling really sorry for myself I got a note from my editor telling me that my book (Let’s Pretend This Never Happened) has been on the NYT best-seller list for the last three months.  Which is insane.  And amazing.  And completely thanks to you and your fantastic support.  So I’m doing another give-away as a small way to say “thanks”.  Leave a comment (about anything) and I’ll randomly pick a few winners to get signed copies of my book.  Or, if you already have my book I’ll just give you the $15 and you can buy something by Neil Gaiman.  That guy’s amazing.

2,277 thoughts on “And that’s the best way to respond to: “WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE?””

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I’m single, but LOVE this. Why don’t people get it-the phone is there for my convenience and not the other way around.

  3. OMG! You will never see this because I am so far down the line for a free book. Anyway, I enjoy your blog but sometimes feel sad about seeing your stuffed animals in party dresses, hats, and beads because they were celebrating when they died. (Hope my sense of humor gets me a book-it would thrill me)

  4. @ Gristle : Series for led lighting. This from a retired industrial/commercial union electrician. Me. Those of us who huddle within the penumbra of Jenny’s humour should help one another as we are best able. And I have an embarrassing amount of spare time…….

  5. Comment #1,984 you may never see this comment, but if you do, I really hope your face hasn’t been eaten off by horses, or unicorns for that matter…..although that might be an amazing experience. just sayin.

  6. I really must get out of this house. Only 27 more weeks before the kids go back to school. Not. Surviving. Well.

    Question: Early this morning I found my 11yo daughter watching Hitler documentaries on Netflix. That’s not normal is it?

    And I’d love a signed book even though I bought a copy already.

  7. I bought your book and was 3/4 through it….when my dog decided that it tasted super delicious. Of course, he only mangled the last 1/4 of the book so I still don’t know how it ends. It’s like a cliffhanger!!

  8. OMG you are my husband!!! Except that he doesn’t have the decency to make up entertaining excuses for never returning my calls. I am going to go inform him that he’s slacking.

  9. Thanks for always making me laugh & for making me crave an eggroll!!

  10. Sorry this week was so crappy, but congrats on the good news! We need people like you.
    I got your book from the library and you could see it was already well-read.

  11. Thank you for writing the book! Having that book has helped me get through a shitty month or so (lay offs, having to live apart from spouse, moving house, job search). When things got to be too much I would retreat to the bathroom with your book.

  13. In regard to code words, I’ll tell you what we used to do when I was a Flight Attendant. The pilot told me that if I was ever being forced to call the cockpit by a hijacker, I should start the conversation with “This is Katie.” Since they already know your name, and there’s no reason to introduce yourself, doing so alerts them that something isn’t right, and they can be on guard.

    It came in useful exactly 0 times. But it MIGHT have saved lives!

  14. When people ask for my cell number, I straight out tell them I don’t give it out because I don’t answer it. I just use it to call out when I have the need (of course I have a land line with an answering machine). I recommend this to you; change you cell number and only give Victor your land line number. ;-D

  15. I need your book because I gave away the other three copies I bought as gifts to people who NEEDED to read your book! And now I am again bookless! And sad.

  19. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face in the midst of your craptacular week! virtual hugs from a complete stranger!

  20. I’d pay you 15.00 to sign my book- which is the paperback version because I had to save some money to buy slippers for my frog (not really) and although I love my Kindle I had to have your book-book because I love the cover, and because I still enjoy holding a good book in my hand.
    Apparently a lot of people enjoy holding a good book too- so congrats for being on the list for so long- you earned it.
    Oh, and I bought the paperback to get the extra chapter, which is awesome.

  21. Would you like an email address from the clownswilleatme.com domain?

  22. Poor Victor. I think he and I may be long lost siblings. It is truly difficult to be married to people who can’t seem to remember how to answer the phone. I think he and I are very much like Mother Theresa for enduring this.
    PS I really want to win a copy of your book. Please please please sign it too!!!!!

  24. As usual, I laughed out loud. Also, thank you for introducing me to David Thorne’s website. Now I have two blogs by awesome people who make me laugh to read! Win-win! 🙂

  27. Please tell me to stop reading this over and over. And to stop reading it to my husband…he has no sense of humor, at all. What does he mean I’m repeating myself, because it makes me laugh and I love laughing.

  29. I have a few people in my life who never answer their phones too.

  30. it’s dangerous to read your blog with my Dragon microphone on my head because I start snort and giggle and then Dragon asks me to repeat what I said.

    The biggest problem with Dragon is that it doesn’t know how to swear — what kind of talked upset is that, mother trucker? (That was supposed to say — and now I’m going to have to spell all these words out — “what kind of fucked up shit is that?”)

  31. Whoops, I got so irritated and distracted by having to spell everything out that I forgot to make dragons say mother Fokker. Let’s try that again. I forgot to make Dragon say mother Fokker. I don’t know what Fokker means but apparently Dragon much prefers it to fucking, which I have trained it to spell.

  32. I dont know why Victor gets so pissy about you not answering your phone, you obviously did. Maybe he needs to have Beyonce in his office with him so he does not get so lonely, they could chat, and at the end of the day they could have a martini and cigar.

  33. At least you try. I just blatantly ignore phone calls that I don’t want to answer.

    Also, your book is awesome and hilarious and I love it (and would love a copy of it). Here’s hoping this week gets better. And that kittens never go extinct!

  34. I would LOVE a signed copy of your book. So much so, that I would even put down the David Sedaris I’m reading to read your book instead! So, there’s that. 🙂

  38. It would make my day better if you gave me a copy of your book. I have it on nook, I do dramatic readings from it for my friends when we go away for girls weekends, but I neeeeeed it. See, I get to break my daughter’s heart later this weekend because I found out some sad Doctor Who news (Damn you, Matt Smith!) and I’m not looking forward to it. Winning an autographed copy of your book won’t fix things, but at least when she’s in her room crying and doing the teenaged angst thing, I can hole up in mine and drink beer and re-read the chapter about picking your battles.

  39. Matt smith is leavin dr. Who which is utterly depressing and very exciting all st the same time. Also I live in Nashville. I think Beyonce has been here because there are small metal chickens every where. I think Beyonce gets around

  40. Yay, book success!

    Also, I have had similar phone conversations with many people…for many years. You’d think they’d realize, at some point, that I just usually forget to turn my phone on ring.

  41. I recently found you, you’re welcome, well actually my friend found you first then bought a copy of your book for me. I thouroughly enjoyed it except the chapter on the burial and unburial of your dog as mine just died a week prior and it made me sad and also panic about what i would do if that happed to my Minnie. Anyway , you are hilarious- like a grown up Junie B Jones.

  42. I am pretty certain this is what text messages were invented for. At least that’s what I tell my husband when I don’t pick up my phone.

  43. Pick me! Pick me! I would LOVE to have my own copy of your book. (Instead of getting it from the library, friends, unsuspecting passengers reading on subway, etc.) 🙂

  44. Sorry your week’s been crappy but I wish I was I was as funny as you. And had an awesome picture of Wil Wheaton collating.

    And I may have my phone in front of m all the time but I NEVER hear it when my boyfriend calls me.

  47. I have a digital copy of your book, but I’d love an autographed copy. It’s rare that I actually laugh out loud while reading, but I remember putting down my nook and cry-laughing at several points. Thank you for that. 🙂

  48. So I have decided that “Inner Ninja” is my new theme song. This is slightly ironic as I am the whitest, loudest, and clumsiest woman in Minnesota. I have recently begun to suspect that my inner ninja has been secretly kicking my arse when I’m not looking as I seem to be covered in strange, unexplainable bruises. I want to tell my inner ninja to cut that shit out, but apparently she’s a much better ninja than I expected and I can’t catch her to give her a stern talking to. Since there is no end in sight for my vicious inner ninja attacks, I just say a little prayer each night, “Please…not the face.” So far, so good.

  49. Honestly, I just found your blog awhile ago, and spent several days distracting myself from feeling terrible by reading through your blog and giggling hysterically.

    So thank you. 🙂 You are clever, articulate and hilarious. I look forward to reading your book and future posts!

  51. I need a new bedtime story book to read to my children at night. I think yours would be perfect.

  56. Your book is my “go to” on a bad day … and now I’ve given a few friends copies when they are having a rough patch. Thanks for making us all smile!

  57. Pick Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Or not. Whatever. I’ll still read your book. Somewhere. Somehow. Perhaps over someone’s shoulder, at Starbucks? Wait, I hate Starbucks. Nevermind. I’ll just buy it, and we can forget all about this comment. Cheers!

  59. I’m allergic to latex tape, too! Clearly we’re twins who were separated at birth. Except I answer my phone. Normally. Sometimes.

  62. I’d like to say I just discovered you, your blog, your book, your awesomeness. But I didn’t discover you. My second cousin sort of stalked me on your behalf. I saw her twice in 3 days a few weeks ago, and she told me about you, how I should be reading your book, reading your blog, and braiding your hair if I could. Had I bought the book yet? How about now? But, I’m a contrarian. Any time something is sold so hard at me, I balk. Then, yesterday on Pinterest (which she sort of bullied me into joining a few months ago, and now it’s a major time suck) I saw a picture of a giant chicken. Which of course brought me here. So, after reading that post, and dying laughing, and I read it to my mom, while we both died laughing, and reading it to my husband, who apparently is a Victor and refused to laugh, I bought and read the book on my ereader and have subscribed to the blog. Yup. I full on drank the Kool-Aid. I’ve had a crap year, and am sitting in the middle of a season of discontent, but you really make me laugh, and that makes me feel less crazy. So, thanks for that.

  63. Answer your phone.It could be Steven Moffat wanting you to be the next Doctor.How cool would that be?! Also Hunter S Thomcat could totally be your sidekick since he’s already ginger.

  64. I’m too lazy to read so I listened to your book (and motherf**king loved it), my husband is not lazy and needs an actual book. Pretty Please 🙂

  65. Truth is, if you gave me the book I would just laugh hysterically…and then have to explain why I am laughing to my 3 year old….which would probably make me laugh that much harder…but as a single mom in Israel I think I’ve earned the chuckles.

  67. I just had to share this post with my sister-I am DEFINITELY the Victor in our sister-ship. Which also makes me think we’re pirates. Arg!

  68. Your blog and your book has been an inspiration to my wife and many friends.
    You keep us all rolling with your real hilarious presentation of everyday real life.
    Your husband must be the most patient man on the planet.
    Oh, and Neil Gaiman is a genius.

  70. My partner and I have conversations almost exactly like the ones between you and Victor.
    We read these constantly just because we know we have hope ;]
    LOVE YOU JENNY

  71. Wow. So many people kissing your ass for a signed book….and here I am puckered up with an extra coat of lip balm. Well, I have somethng they fucking don’t…Jenny, we were separated at birth and I have the other half of the locket to prove it. I’ll wait for you to process this bit of highly emotional information. I know you’ll do the right thing…well, probably.

  73. Omg I will definitely steal these excuses!!! I never hear my phone ring. Tho I often dance to the ring tone without realizing the music is my phone ringing!

  74. Oh I can so relate to Victor. lol! Thanks for making me laugh so hard! 🙂

  76. that was glorious. victor inspires me to write poems about him.

  77. My husband and I have very similar conversations. I don’t like the stress of never missing a call.

  78. I don’t really have my website up yet. I feel like a minority who never has her website up but who every person who wants you to leave a comment, expects you to have a website. I used to have a Website. I still have the address to my website
    Savanvleck.com I just haven’t finished coding/creating/screaming at it yet.
    So, please send me one of your books, before I kill my website or just plain out have a nervous breakdown from trying to figure out the creation of my website.
    Love your blog

  79. I’m sorry your week has been so shitty. I hope that it gets better soon.

  80. There should totally be a way to leave a picture in a comment because then I could leave you a picture of my precious kitten to prove they aren’t extinct.

  83. I am definitely using some of this WHEN I don’t answer my phone. Thanks for the new material…my old excuses were getting old.

  84. Just love what I have read. I would love to own a copy of your book.

  85. Read it after I got it from the library, but I need my own copy because I refer to your life often and I need to have it in print since no one believes me!

  86. I went out to celebrate my birthday yesterday and came home with a giant metal chicken. People stared as I walked through the street market as though they had never seen a girl taking her metal chicken for a walk. Actually, it’s rooster and he was very polite, he bowed and nodded and would have doffed his hat had he been wearing one. He’s living on the back deck right now, settling in nicely and has been named Jake. Had it not been for you and Beyonce, I never would have had the courage to get him.

  87. Thank you for making us laugh – our week has been very sad for reasons, and today you were able to help make the sun shine a little brighter. My boyfriend has been a fan of yours for years and told me about your site when we first started dating. He would be tickled if we got something from you 🙂

  88. You said to leave a comment about anything, so while I want to tell you how much I enjoy your shared hilarity, I shall tell you about my confused hen, Lucy, who is sitting on a clutch of eggs hoping for chicks. She’s confused because every time another hen hops into a nearby nesting box, Lucy jumps off her eggs and sits on the other lady’s egg. It’s taking neighborliness way too far.

  89. The book would be awesome because I already bought it on Kindle and I’m getting old and I can’t see the pictures. I hear the photos are larger in the printed version. Also, my kids who are 12 & 14 read it and loved it and said they feel just slightly less like they have the weirdest family on the planet now. Except that I let my son read your book at 11. (So much for parenting. We also took them to see David Sedaris.) It’s all culture right? Anyway, we all love your writing.

  91. Jenny, I already bought your book, but I would like a signed copy. Tell you what, you send me a signed copy of your book, and I will send you a signed copy of my book, but since my book costs $30 you’re getting the better end of the deal even though you are the one saying thank you. So in a way, you’ll owe me.

  92. I never answer when my phone rings. Apparently people find that annoying?

  93. Sorry your week was sucky. But look at how many readers you have! 2084 comments before mine!

  94. One of these days you will actually pick me so I will keep trying because I’m very excited for that moment to happen.

  95. I’ve been silently stalking your blog for months without ever leaving a response but the time has come because you asked and I like free stuff (especially your book, which in hardcover is much too pricey for me, ((which means I’ve overspent my ice cream and cigarette allowance this week)) and I don’t want to steal it digitally).

    Best,

    Lillith X

  97. I showed this to my DH. He read it all with a slight smile.
    Then said, “You still have to answer your phone.”
    And then tacks on “And Victor is still gonna be pissed at Jenny.”

    I already bought your book a long time ago… but if I were to win it I’d give it to someone who hasn’t!

  98. Dude I would LOVE a copy of your book. I got it on my Nook but that’s not really the same thing, is it? I should have a LIBRARY of good books to infect my spawn-girl with, right?

  100. Yeah, I never answer my phone. Unless it seems like a life or death deal, and even then it’s iffy.

  101. My Dad gave your book to read-which I loved. We were discussing it at my son’s soccer
    Game when my Dad said “she really seems to be obsessed with vaginas”
    You’d think that would be an awkward moment but no I just laughed
    And agreed with him!

  102. I need your book. I used to read a book a week. At minimum. But lately, I haven’t and that is really depressing.

    And my husband gets really mad when I don’t answer the phone because I leave it on vibrate all the time. I was at my dad’s one day and he called 15 times and I never answered. I finally called him back and he was almost at my dad’s house because he said he was afraid I was in an accident so he went to find me. Oppppppsssss.

  103. Jenny – so sorry that you’ve had a shitty week! **BIG HUG** You are the bestest, you make life better for all of us who read & love you blog, and you are also an inspiration by your candidness about your various struggles. Hang in there, hope this next week will be better! And congrats on having been a top seller for so long. (Yay!) I still need to buy my copy, so maybe I can help keep it up there on the list for a little longer! HAVE A GREAT WEEK! We all love you tons & bunches.

  105. Congrats Jenny! I hope you have a better weekend/next week 🙂 I look forward to reading your updates, they definitely brighten my day. Also all the weird women in my family love your book, so much so that my (most awesome) aunt got my sister and I Juanita aprons as gifts. Just awesome.

  106. I bought your book for my sister some time ago – and the last time she had a chance to read it she was sick, and you made her laugh so hard she would have a coughing fit and see spots. Understandably, she put it down.

    She got married yesterday – and your book is going with her on her honeymoon. Thank you for starting my sister’s marriage off with laughter. And taxidermied animals. 🙂

  107. Hi. Please give me your book. I really liked it, and I’d like to read it again, and I’m totally low on cash. Thanks!

  110. I would love one of your books! I hope you haven’t picked the winners yet! 🙂

  111. I don’t like phones much. Which is why when I phone my husband and he does not answer I go a little ape. I mean, do I really have to make YET ANOTHER CALL on this thing I already don’t really like? But all of that is probably a mute point if you consider that I need to phone my husband about 10 times a day to discuss everything that comes up, including the emails I jsut sent him….

  112. 2017 comments. Figures.
    It just took me like a year and a half to scroll down and say something.
    I hate the word scroll. I hate all words that start with scro-
    You’re welcome.

  115. Although I already have a copy of your book, I would gladly pass it on to somebody else to have a signed copy! 🙂

  116. Love this. and I know I won’t win. I never do. but I would like to – really. Or I may get my face bitten off by a horse, or a donkey. whatever

  118. I would love a signed copy of your book!
    And I look forward to your blog every.single.day 🙂

  119. I would love a signed copy of your book! I couldn’t get to your book signing when you came through Cincinnati! I look forward to your twisted sense of humor and completely unique way of viewing the world around you. Thank you for making me laugh out loud every time I read something you wrote!

  120. I already have your book – but not the one with extra chapters…or a signed version so if I win its an welcome upgrade!! Plus I already pre-ordered Neil Gaiman’s new book that comes out this month 🙂

  122. Victor doesn’t understand…. cell phones are useful because they are there when YOU want them. Not when others want you to have them. Also, they’re doing construction upstairs and I just heard a crack that sounded like they were uncomfortably close to breaking through my ceiling. bah. would love a book!

  123. OH MY GOD It’s so hard to get to the bottom of this page, it kept just scrolling backwards! The forces of the internet are trying to keep me from getting a comment in and competing for a free book!

    Anyway, I would really like one because my mom is turning 70 this year and I think she would love this book. If I don’t get a book that’s fine, I will still buy it, but I’d really like to not buy it if I can because I just graduated from grad school and I owe like my first born child to Federal Loans. This book wouldn’t even make a dent, but that’s the excuse I’m going with for the next ten years whenever I have to spend any money.

    Anyway, I love you Jenny! And I still want to live in your haunted dollhouse all the time!

    PS – I don’t know how to work the internet either… definitely just left this comment under the actual book page. I’m sorry. I would get rid of it but I don’t know how.

  124. you rock…. what happened to the last drawing it just like fell off the face of the earth… love ya. I just finished your book for the second time on my kindle and would love a real version of it!

  125. I have decided you would be the absolute best grocery store shopping partner ever. All the bananas in our local stores have words magically appearing. It’s AWESOME! Thanks for that, f’real.

  126. Kittens still exist as of this morning. I know because mine laid on my face all night and I woke up sneezing. I thought that might help make things seem a little brighter.

    Also, you’re fantastic and this made my shitty morning a thousand times better.

  127. This post perfectly describes my husband and I with my phone. I blame my cats, as I usually don’t hear it due to them using it as a seatcushion for their furry butts. Evidently feline fur if the perfect noise cancelling insulation.

  128. PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME!!!! Not only because I really want a signed copy but because I feel your pain. You can’t believe some of the nasty, hateful messages that my husband has left on my voicemail just because i haven’t answered my cell.

  130. thank you for marvelous ideas on what to say to my husband the next time he complains about me not answering my phone – which will undoubtedly happen soon. I want to readd the book for more clues to a happy marriage.
    Happy Monday,
    Pat

  131. I already have your book, but I loaned it out and I fear I’ll never see it again so I want, no I need another!

  132. I know you aren’t British, but when I first heard about your site (not that long ago) I totally read everything you wrote on your page in a British accent. (blogess- I mean, it’s not even a real title like say “duchess” is, but what the hey right?) Having a husband named Victor somehow adds to the whole thing. Then I saw you on some CNN thing, my world was temporarily rocked, and I still can not read your blogs without hearing a sort of British voice. Oh, and I’m from NJ, and probably have a really bad idea of what a British accent should be like, so it’s very awkward. I know it’s a bit odd, but I don’t think I’ll ever shake it, and I guess that’s ok.

    PS I tried picturing your husband as the guy from the young and the restless soap I watched when I was home from school on a sick day growing up. I don’t recall him being very British either, but that dude had a serious mustache.

  133. I just bought this book for my mom, who has been battling depression for…Hell…. too many years! She called me when your book arrived in the mail and she said she laughed so hard, it was like she was in a comedy club (a GOOD one). She then proceeded to read the title of the first chapter, then the second, then “ok, just one more.”

    Thank you for brining joy to my mom’s life. Hearing her laugh that deep, *true* laugh is the best sound a daughter can hear. Thank you 🙂

  134. I totally relate, because some people even have asked why do I have a phone if I never answer it… So simple, so I can call them, not the other way around. 🙂

    I want a book please.

  135. If my wife disrespected me in this way, we would have major problems. Just sayin.

  137. I already have your book and most of Neil Gaiman’s! Wouldn’t mind winning an autograph! Hope the RA is doing better too.

  140. Just read your book on my Kindle, and am now trying to read your entire blog because I’ve apparently been living under a rock.

  141. Victor sounds like my husband, since I really don’t bother to answer my phone much. I have valid reasons for not answering the phone, too. I made the mistake once of attending a PTA meeting, and now I have to hide from the PTA mafia for the rest of my life. Those parents do NOT take no for an answer!

  142. My last week and a half was not as bad as that, probably this one will just end with all kittens hating me rather than going extinct. Could still use a copy of your book to make me laugh though.

  145. Actually, I went to elementary school with a girl who had her check bit off by horse. Go figure. Best of luck to kittens. May they make it through this weekend.

  146. I have the audio version (which made my children stomp away because I was laughing so hard and wouldn’t explain the joke) and I love it so much – I hope to win this so I can give it to my friends to read.

  147. I would veto the ankle phone as well – i am SO not that flexible…

  148. Last weekend my husband and I spent a few days at my parents’ lake house and I was so excited to find our neighbors had a big metal chicken on their front porch! Hartwell, Georgia may be full of rednecks, but you know they must have good taste if they have big metal chickens on their front porch. [I just had to post a photo to FaceBook and I could not believe how many “likes” it got- apparently I also have good taste in friends ;)]

    I’d love to read your book!

  149. I saw your book in a bookstore in Ireland when I was there this month. I don’t know why but it made me smile!

  150. Maybe Victor can start calling my fiance so he’ll learn to answer the phone too? I’ll call you and we can just chat. If you answer….

  152. Pick me! Pick me! If I win I’ll either a) give the book to my lovely bestest friend Misty or b) use the DNA from your signature to make hundreds of Jenny clones that I will use to fire-proof orphans and save people from poisonous ankle tape undoubtedly put there by their dastardly, conniving husbands. Just thought I’d alert you to the impending wave of press you’ll get when your clones engineer a new species of un-extinct-able (?) kittens. Kurd love you XD

  153. Aw shit. Please ignore the “Kurd” in my previous comment. Where the hell did that come from?

  154. Hi, Jenny. I see like 2500 comments here and well, talk about slim chances. -_-
    I have a degree in engineering and an IT associate job and I’m giving that all away because I want to write. I have been looking for a writing job for a month now and I have a telephonic interview with this firm that might offer me a content writing position if I pass the interview. The starting pay is very less, but this is to following your dreams, right?
    I want your book. Signed at that. WhatteyBARGAIN. GIVE ME, please? 🙂

  157. I need to learn how to play beer pong.

    Can’t wait to read your book!

  158. You are so fun! – I am reading your book for book club, and just now looked at your blog and that conversation about answering the phone I love. Also love Neil Gaiman. I started reading his stuff in 2005, beginning with “Neverwhere”. Next was “American Gods”. Then “Coraline”, “The Graveyard Book”, some of his Sandman series, and a fairy tale about a princess and a tiger. I bookmarked your blog because I want to see something funny every morning. Great stuff!

  159. i’m with victor on this one… i CAN´T PHISICALLY LET THE PHONE RING more than once! it drives me crazy!!
    it also makes me very anxious when the home phone rings… for me it means bad news

  160. bought the book, loved the first few chapters, then LEFT THE BOOK on a plane in Atlanta. So, if you have some random person suddenly become a fan (probably a flight attendant) you have me to thank for being forgetful. You’re welcome. 🙂

    Also, obviously I would like to finish the book. Here’s to hopeful randomnimity.

  161. Love, love, LOVE the conversations with Victor!! I really, really, really want your book!! I’ve been waiting for the library copy forEVER!

  162. I need to crib some of these responses for my own loving husband. Do I need to give you attribution *during* the phone call, or can it wait until he gets back home? Thanks! (PS: I’d *love* a copy of your book)

  163. Hey, Jenny ~ I would love a signed copy so that I can give away my first one – it actually worked much better than the antidepressants I was waiting for the pharmacist to refill when I discovered your book in the grocery store and started reading it. I was so happy to discover your blog after I finished your book. Thank you so much for all that you share with us. I hope you your week is looking up now. Because I love kittens as much as your writing. And face-eating is unseemly.

  164. I hope Victor gets counseling so he can overcome his co-dependence. A healthy person would not put up with being ridiculed in public.

  165. I probably already missed the cut off on the giveaway, but I still wanted to let you know you are awesome. And I’ve been in the process of moving for the last 3 weeks, but now that I’m settled I am going to get a copy of that book.

  166. I adore you, Jenny. You make even the shittiest days a hell of a lot more fun. Thanks for being so awesome!

  168. I sort of don’t deserve to win your book since I’m not one of the people who bought it and kept you on the best-seller list but I’d like to win one anyway.

  170. This post was hilarious. Thank you for being so funny. Highlight of my week! 🙂

  171. –>My husband calls me on my cell phone, calls me at my desk where my cell is sitting, texts me on the cell phone and then emails me at my work email and personal account which is all in the same office. Five minutes later when I call him back to say I was in a MEETING, he doesn’t understand.

    So I repeat it very SLOW____LLLYYYYY

  172. I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy you. I read your book and have bought it twice as gifts for special friends who share my somewhat twisted sense of humor. Keep it up–you’re great!

  173. i swear i’m perpetually 6 months away from getting rid of my phone, forever. why don’t they make phones that don’t give or receive calls?

  174. At least you’re putting the effort in. Hope you get to go swimming soon (for ‘swimming’ substitute anything summery that you actually like doing).

  176. I go from being happy to depressed or anxious and I’m trying to hold on tight to a memory from yesterday. My son is 2 years old and I threw “helicopter” seeds up in the air. It was the first time he’s ever seen them twirl down to Earth and he was completely fascinated and happy.

  177. Oh thank you for making me laugh. Every time I feel down about something I come here and then I completely forget why I was upset. You are wonderful!

  178. I use 200 cell minutes a month and 100,000+ texts…we have the same issue.

  179. Thank you so much for sharing! You make me feel normal. I would LOvE a copy of your book!!!

  180. who are the winners of the book???? I NEeeeeeed a signed copy so badly…. I’m going to scratch up some furniture to destress…. *claws*

  182. Hope your week improves and congrats on your book’s awesome success!!

  184. More than 2,000 comments??? I’m more likely to win the G-damn lottery than win one of your books. And then I can buy hundreds of your G-damn books and hold my own cute little give-away contest. Where there will be fewer comments than free books, so everyone will win. So there, and thanks.

  185. Just in case you are as behind as I am, I want to leave a note to say I totally want your book. I haven’t read it yet and I really badly want to.

  186. Silly girl, horses don’t eat faces. (But they do step on cell phones that fall out of your pocket while you’re bent over trimming their cute little toesies.)

    Cheers!
    -T

  187. I’ve recently decided to re-read Lets Pretend This Never Happened, not only because it makes me so happy, but I too need a self help book on how to raise indoor raccoons during unfavourable Canadian tempatures, as they are slowly taking over the world.

  189. Wow….comment #2188…89…88…no 89. I feel like the donkey in Shrek and the only thing to say is ooo oooo pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!! So donkey loves your blog and was laughing histerically at yet another extremely entertaining Victor/Jenny convo. Why he doesn’t love you so much for providing constant entertainment is beyond me!

  190. You should pick me because I have a funny email address.
    Sometimes weeks (or months or years) are shitty. It will get better. Promise.

  191. Oh hell! Having your book to call my own would be horrible! All the nights doubled over in pain from holding back the laughter as my boyfriend sleeps, but if I have to I will take one for the team. Someone’s got to right?

    P.s. It would be AWESOME!

  194. I am exactly like that with my phone too! Except I don’t pick up because I set it down and can never find it…

  195. GAH! I would give money to have an actual conversation with you. Hilarious! Chin up, love!

  197. I often don’t answer my phone. Because I get freaked out talking to people. I would much rather they text me. Or email me. Because my phone does all that, too. I just don’t want to talk to them.

  198. SO needed that chuckle today – thank you!! Now I’m moving on to the Google post. Screw work!

  199. I LOVE Neil Gaiman too! But in a different way than I love you, Jenny. And I am prolly too late to be in the running for an autographed copy of your book and I live in Germany anyway, so I would prolly at LEAST need to pay for postage….but I sure would be honored to have an autographed copy. I read your book outloud to my husband and we both laughed and laughed and you blog is often the highlight of my day. SO….whether I win or not….thank you, Jenny. I know you may feel like you don’t really do anything…but you light up my life! Thank you SOOOO much.

  200. OK, this is a comment – do you ever have to call Victor? Is he having separation issues? Maybe a nice cookie would help.

  201. I swear my wife and I have the same conversations as you and Victor. We just can’t figure out which one of us is Jenny and who is Victor.

  202. I have to make an appt. with my husband if I want him to answer his phone. Seriously. God forbid there is ever an emergency. He won’t even look at his phone when it is ringing.

    Me: “Your phone is ringing”
    Him: “Yes, but I am not expecting a call”
    Me: “What if someone needs you?”
    Him: “They will let me know.”
    Me: “But you don’t listen to messages.”
    Him: “If it is really important they will track me down, no one told me they were going to call me today”

    GAAAA! I want to strangle him. Sigh.

  203. My wife is like that … not only with phonecalls… its an experience 🙂

  204. When I first saw my pineapple lamp, I felt as if we were running to each other. In slow motion across a field of poppies. And the tinman was there cause he is made out of metal and he was happy for us.

    I remember that feeling everytime I turn on the lamp and the pineapple GLOWS!

  205. On the bright side we all benefit from the comedy and one of these days Victor might actually bring you those egg rolls.

  208. These sound like conversations my ex and I use to have. He hated that I wouldn’t always answer his calls.

  209. omg!! Your entire conversation with Victor is basically my aunt and her husband! Funniest thing ever!

  211. I love you…so very much…can I have your book now please?

    P.S. What does Victor look like. I don’t think I have seen a picture of him. Are you going to make me look through thousands of posts to maybe not even find one?

  213. I am reading your book right now and it is HILARIOUS! I actually just found your blog today. Your book makes me laugh so hard I actually cry.

  214. Like Melissa, I just found your blog.

    I read your book on a road trip at Christmas and cried with laughter the entire way home. I tried to read parts to my husband, but couldn’t through all the sobs of laughter. I made him read it. Then I made my daughter read it. Then I made my book club read it – we’re meeting this Wednesday. I’ve asked them to bring along an embarrassingly hilarious (now, looking back at it) story of their childhood/adolescence/adulthood.

    Thank you for helping me keep my New Year’s resolution to read more humorous books 🙂

  215. I teach 2nd grade. Right before school was out, I was trying to explain to a seven-year-old why getting his mom to go back and sign all of his homework from a week ago (instead of each night, like the other children) wouldn’t cut it. “You can’t go back in time, dude,” I was heard to say. He looked at me with utter contempt and then said, as if I was the lowest form of ignoramus, “Uh, you can if you have a T.A.R.D.I.S.”

    Later, his family bought me awesome Doctor Who Legos for an End of the Year present.

    He stole them.

    True story.

  216. Me and some friends are doing a pro bono project at portraitsinblue.com. Can I get you to fill out the survey questionnaire – or even better, fill it out and mention it here. Love to hear from anyone who has a view

  219. I’m ruthlessly plagarizing this conversation to have with my husband.

  220. We’re reading your book as our first one in our newly formed book club. We’re also each bringing a bottle of wine with a name that reminds us of the book. Any suggestions? I was thinking maybe “Oops Merlot” tagline: a cheeky little red.

  221. Based on this comment alone, I MUST read your book!
    “You know, at this point it’s sort of your fault for expecting me to answer the phone at all. It’s not like I haven’t set a precedent.”
    And I will definitely use this response the next time my sister bitches about me not answering! Thank you!

  222. I just found out about your blog. It makes me feel more adequate. I love your sense of humor. I wish I could also rock your lines when having those phone conversations. I would love to read your book

  224. You are amazing. I found you after the chicken incident and my life has never been the same. Keep on being “Like Mother Teresa, only better” chica.

    Shan

  225. Holy shit… I had to scroll through looooooottttttts of comments to get here. I deserve to win. Though I’d like a signed copy to give a friend. I’ve got one already… 🙂

  227. Hi, Jenny. I’m sure I’m too late to comment on this post and win an autographed copy of your book, but I’m always wanting to comment so thought this would be a good time “just in case”. I already have your book, the kindle version. I love it and have read it twice already. I read your blog at work but on my phone in case you talk about something that should not be showing up on my computer. I think you are hilarious! When I read Victor’s comment “the cats have gone crapping on the stairs” I almost spit my pudding all over my phone!! Too funny. You are a true gem. And, on a side note, I have suffered from depression since (forever I think) at least late childhood. I am 42 now and still having trouble. I think it is great that you are so honest about it with us, your fans. I really do appreciate it.

  228. I know I’m way late on this one, but I’ve been AWOL. Had to post because my husband goes nuts over the phone thing, too. His first conclusion if I don’t answer (or even more so if I pocket dial him) is that I and our daughter have been kidnapped or are being axe-murdered. His reaction is NEVER to call the police, just to keep obsessively calling me until I answer so he can scream at me. Then I’m torn between laughing and getting pissed off that he hasn’t called in the troops. It’s a dilemma.

    I’m not posting in hopes of getting your book since I have the hardback, paperback and e-book (you never know which format you’ll want to read), but feel free to send me a taxidermied mouse, a card, or just some good thoughts my way! Your blog gives me great joy – Thank you!!!

  229. I didn’t send you the bat, but I wish I had. Fantastically ridiculous.

  230. I just read this whole post aloud to my husband. I told him I love you so much because I understand your logic. To which he replied “What logic?!?” I simply smiled and said “Exactly. She’s perfect!”
    <3 You are freaking awesome Jenny!

  231. I realize this post is old news by now but I love to make an entrance! I’m a designer and work in a old civil war era brick building…. This morning I walked in and the unmistakingly fresh smell of death lingered in the air. To make a long story short I immediately thought of you. 🙂 best wishes Jenny. Looking forward to a second book 😉

  232. Okay – this is really old news but it rings so true – I am married to a Victor but does he ever stop to consider his own phonequitte – no. He screens. So I may not answer immediately (or at all), I have a number of situations in which I simply refuse to answer the phone (gym, lectures, driving, bath, eating……yoga, bed etc.), and I often have the ringer off, but at least I never glance at the screen and decide I don’t want to talk to him……..I may think it but if by chance I hear the phone ring, it can be located in time and it is from him I never hit decline 🙂

    I actually think by husband has used all those lines about my lack of phone answering …… but clearly time I got a whole lot more inventive with my answers.

  233. My 17 year old cat Bunny, walked out of my life last week. I was doing something good…painting that door that was installed 5 years ago and had never been painted…and she just walked out the door and never came back. At least that’s what I guess happened, because I didn’t see her go. But the door was open for a couple of hours while I was working, and she disappeared that day. Life can be a bitch sometimes.

    And then today, I see that you’re doing this giveaway, but I’m 3 months late. But then, I don’t see a deadline, so maybe it’s like the door; it can still be painted later. But then my other cat, Zeke might run away. Nevermind.

  234. When someone asks me why don’t I ever answer the phone, I’ll say: because I already knew it was you. Everyone assumes that if you have a phone they can call you at any time at any place they wish & you’re supposed to answer when they want.It reminds me of a joke about an old lady whose husband gives her a mobile phone for the very first time & when he calls to ask her if she likes her new phone, she says “yes , but how did you know where to find me”. Good luck with your new book.

  235. Many thanks for the good writeup. It in fact used to be your discretion bank account the item. Look advanced for you to extra produced acceptable from you! On the other hand, what exactly is be in contact?

  236. OMG how have we never met – separated at birth lol I hate answering my phone! Txt me, email me, meet me in person (I’m very sociable you know lol) but please! For the love of god, stop calling me!
    (Yes, mother in law that includes you!!!)

  237. Omg I am the victor in my relationship. my wife never answers the phone because i suspect she is having too much fun with her Lesbian…i mean girlfriend…yah right!

  239. either I missed the point or I lack the sense of humor to understand what’s soo funny. It kills me not to know if she’s safe or if she’s gonna be late.

  241. On one hand, I appreciate your wit. On the other hand, I think it’s rude for a spouse not to answer their phone when their spouse is calling, especially if this happens regularly. I am serious. It is VERY disrespectful.

    No, your spouse doesn’t own you, it’s not about that, it’s about respect. OK if you have one of those obsessive types who has to call you every 5 minutes or something, okay–otherwise, yes, answer your phone already.

  242. What I find fascinating about this particular list of exchanges…aside from its most basic, underlining amusement factor!… is that they ALL take place via cell phone. You don’t wait til the poor guy gets home to have this convo. So, you’ve picked up the phone…. uh…. in order to be yelled at for NOT picking up the phone. Which should make you less likely to answer the phone. And if you NEVER answered the phone, these gems would never have been uttered. Thus depriving all us internet people of this amusing post.

    I can’t describe it any better so I will have to hope that you or someone else understands the irony that I’m failing to capture properly.
    (Also there are too many comments to skim through; it’s quite possible someone else already mentioned this way back two-and-a-half years ago when you wrote this. In which case I apologize for being repetitive.)

  243. Wow, she’s a writer and can’t pick up her phone? Wouldn’t want to interrupt that loud typing noise that blocks out the ringing of a phone. Now I can understand why her husband is pissed.

  244. I am sorry but that’s not right.. answer your phone to your husband if your busy say so abd call him back that way he won’t call hw will wait for your call back…

  246. As the “Victor” in my relationship, I have to say that the real Victor is very fortunate; it seems that you answer(ed) his calls on the 2nd (or 3rd) call. Far better than my situation: in my case I can call anywhere from 1 to 5 * 10^2483670657460564854743 times in a row. Only after I have ceased calling (and texting, etc) will she call me back. I literally could be on the news on fire, being tortured by some sort of horrible cult, calling her to say goodbye with my last breath, with her watching the live news feed focused on my face (with a zoom in on my phone with her picture and number on it) and she would wait until I had quit trying to call in frustration and call me right back. It is maddening, and I’m not sure how she knows when I’ve given up trying to reach her unless she somehow knows the nature of the reason for the call (I try calling more when it is more important, obviously).

  247. I am cracking up! My friend is totally Victor! I never answer my phone I am going to borrow some of these lines 😂

  248. (((robinson.buckler @ yahoo. com))) … restored my relationship and my boyfriend came back to me……………………………………………………..

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  251. I’m glad I’m the only one who doesn’t my phone. You made me laugh! Thank you.

  252. You sound like a terrible person who doesn’t give a fuck about your EXTREMELY caring husbanf, hopefully he wakes up one day and realizes he can find someone who will love him more, and leave you and your pessimistic, bitchh of a personality.

    (Mom? ~ Jenny)

  253. So the sky isn’t always blue, but when it is, All Knowing Google says “a clear cloudless day-time sky is blue because molecules in the air scatter blue light from the sun more than they scatter red light.” You said the comment could be about anything. Just saying.

  254. I’m victor here too.
    My friend says they’re available and then decline my calls after a half of the first ring.

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  269. Maybe the best response is to answer your FUCKING phone. Why the hell even have one if you’re going to ignore everyone who tries to contact you!?

  270. Hey, in your account you mention you’re allergic to latex. So am I. The advertisement for the socks “Fk Off, I’m Reading” which amused me no end since that was basically what I would snarl at my husband and kids (minus the fk off part being said out loud but thought really, really hard), turn out to be made with Spandex, which means latex, which would mean swollen itchy ankles for a week. I think I’ll make some labels with my sewing machine’s embroidery module. Maybe even a wall hanging to hang over my favorite reading chair.

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Personalizing stacks of books today and having lots of feelings. So many people send my books to others who are struggling. They ask me to write specific notes to their loved ones and the requests are so beautiful that I want to share them but I won’t bc it seems too personal. But just between you and me, if you’ve written something lovely to someone you love and I get to transcribe it for you I feel very lucky bc your words touch me as well. I am warmed by your fire.
Apparently two of my books were used without permission to train generative-AI systems. So, that sucks.
I can write. I can doodle. My talents do not extend to video. Sorry.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

Sarah Linn on Medium: Humorist or unstable person with an internet connection? You decide.

Uncommon Creatures Digital Portraits: Animal art inspired by Earth’s most magical creatures. Got your own beloved pet you’d like to memorialize? Have no fear… let me turn your fur-baby into a work of art.

Dark Matter Zine talks to authors, actors and artists in a free podcast available on all good podcasting platforms. Plus book reviews, book launches and more.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

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